Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #107 Finding Peace When You Have No Control

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#107 Finding Peace When You Have No Control · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the typop
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  Speaker 1: parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm doctor Justin Colson
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  Speaker 1: and I'm joined by Luke and Suzie, our husband and
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  Speaker 1: wife radio duo with three young boys, and today we're
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  Speaker 1: talking about dealing with the uncertainty of COVID nineteen. This
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  Speaker 1: one's not so much about the kids, it's more about
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  Speaker 1: us and how we're going. I mean, the reality is
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  Speaker 1: the rules keep changing and fair enough, but we're completely
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  Speaker 1: all at sea and we just want to know when
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  Speaker 1: things are going to end.
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  Speaker 2: Dr Justin Right now, we are facing a point whereas
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  Speaker 2: it's not so much about the things that have happened
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  Speaker 2: in the past, but we want to get some control back,
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  Speaker 2: in a sense of normalcy and a sense of we
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  Speaker 2: actually have a say in our life. And yet we
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  Speaker 2: can't realistically or reliably make plans for what the next
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  Speaker 2: three months are going to look like, or the family holiday,
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  Speaker 2: or the work projects, or what school our kids are
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  Speaker 2: going to go to.
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  Speaker 3: Like everything feels like it's up in the air.
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  Speaker 4: And that's me is a control freak out Justin Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Type A people people who have what we call a
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  Speaker 1: high need for cognitive closure. And that's me too, Luke.
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  Speaker 1: It's really really stressful because you want to make plans.
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  Speaker 1: You want to have all of your ducks lined up.
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  Speaker 1: You want to know exactly what's going to happen on
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  Speaker 1: this day at this time and get the itinery sorted,
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  Speaker 1: even if the itinery is just getting the children to school,
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  Speaker 1: but you want to make sure that you know what's
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  Speaker 1: happening and when, because I don't know. We feel like
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  Speaker 1: we're in control, we feel and by the way, that's
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  Speaker 1: an illusion, but we still feel like we're in control
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  Speaker 1: and we can make stuff happen. And it's not happening
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  Speaker 1: right now, is it. I mean, everything that we thought
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  Speaker 1: was going to happen in twenty twenty has been turned
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  Speaker 1: on its head.
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  Speaker 3: It's not even that the plans that we had have
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  Speaker 3: gone to poop a little bit. It's the fact that,
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  Speaker 3: you know, mentally, I get so much relief from knowing
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  Speaker 3: when my next holiday is coming and having it planned
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  Speaker 3: and being able to invest myself into the dream of
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  Speaker 3: the holiday that's to come. But I can't even do that.
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  Speaker 1: You know, in French, the word grieve is translated to
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  Speaker 1: I guess what we would say in English carrying a
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  Speaker 1: heavy load. And when we look at what we've lost
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  Speaker 1: so far in twenty twenty, with fires and with floods
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  Speaker 1: and storms, and now with COVID, I think that a
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  Speaker 1: lot of people really are grieving, which only makes it
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  Speaker 1: harder to move on. We're grieving what's lost. We're trying
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  Speaker 1: to make plans for the future, and every time we
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  Speaker 1: turn around, the government is changing its position on regulations,
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  Speaker 1: and understandably so that's not a tackle the government. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: new information comes to light, we need to adjust accordingly.
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  Speaker 1: It's really really hard for us. Therefore, when there is
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  Speaker 1: no such thing as cognitive closure right now, there is
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  Speaker 1: no such thing as planning right now, it's hard to
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  Speaker 1: have that sense of peace and assurance that we've got
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  Speaker 1: everything in order and we know where we're going, because
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  Speaker 1: the truth is, in many ways, we kind of don't.
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  Speaker 3: I guess this is the first time we've been confronted
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  Speaker 3: with the reality.
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  Speaker 2: That we don't have Control's right.
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  Speaker 1: The advice that I've been giving to people who have
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  Speaker 1: been struggling with this goes back to I think the
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  Speaker 1: easiest way to illustrate the psychological principle is to go
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  Speaker 1: back to a book that was written back in the
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  Speaker 1: nineteen eighties by a guy who really revolutionized the business
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  Speaker 1: world in some ways. His name was Stephen Covey. You've
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  Speaker 1: probably heard of the Seven Habits of High People, and
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  Speaker 1: in that book he draws this diagram. It's a circle
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  Speaker 1: inside a circle, a big circle on a little circle.
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  Speaker 1: He says that the big circle is what we call
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  Speaker 1: our circle of concern. Our circle of concern is all
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  Speaker 1: the stuff that you see on the news websites, but
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  Speaker 1: it's also the stuff about our future, you know, the
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  Speaker 1: things that are essentially beyond our capacity to do anything
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  Speaker 1: about because we don't have absolute control over them. He says,
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  Speaker 1: the more you spend time focused on your circle of concern,
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  Speaker 1: the more helpless you'll feel, the more out of control
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  Speaker 1: you'll feel, the more overwhelmed and anxious you'll feel. But
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  Speaker 1: when you concentrate on that inner circle, he calls that
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  Speaker 1: your circle of influence, what you do is you bring
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  Speaker 1: back a sense of personal agency. Agency basically means you
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  Speaker 1: feel like you've got a sense of control, like you
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  Speaker 1: can be in charge of what's happening in your life.
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  Speaker 1: When we focus on our circle of influence, we say, well,
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  Speaker 1: I can't do anything about X. Y and Z, But
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  Speaker 1: I don't need to. What I can do is something
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  Speaker 1: about here and now. I think the easiest way for
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  Speaker 1: me to describe it is we do the next best thing.
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  Speaker 1: So we look at the situation where and we say, well,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know what my next holiday will be because
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  Speaker 1: I don't know if we're going to have one until
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  Speaker 1: at least Christmas, and who knows what's going to happen
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  Speaker 1: in terms of the government regulations around travel, particularly if
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  Speaker 1: it applies to crossing borders or even going overseas. But
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  Speaker 1: what I do know is that I can start to
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  Speaker 1: put some money away for when holidays are allowed, or
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  Speaker 1: what I do know is I can make this plan
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  Speaker 1: with my family, or I can do this with my
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  Speaker 1: family because at the very least we know that we'll
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  Speaker 1: be allowed to camp in our backyard. We operate within
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  Speaker 1: our circle of concern, and what happens there sorry within
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  Speaker 1: our circle of influence, and what happens there is we
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  Speaker 1: do just the next best thing that we can do
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  Speaker 1: is we start to feel empowered, We start to feel
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  Speaker 1: like we are actually in control of something. And what
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  Speaker 1: happens then is our circle of influence seems to grow.
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  Speaker 1: We seem to be able to control more and more
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  Speaker 1: because we're focusing on what we can control rather than
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  Speaker 1: what we can't.
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  Speaker 5: Well, it's good because external forces are indicating to us
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  Speaker 5: our circle of influence is shrinking, or at least becoming
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  Speaker 5: Swiss circle with holes in it. But the reality is
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  Speaker 5: we still apply the same logic, which is only focus
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  Speaker 5: on those things which you can control, and if.
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  Speaker 4: That's got smaller, then so be it. Still focus on
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  Speaker 4: that smaller list of things.
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  Speaker 1: One of my favorites, So I mean, this is really
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  Speaker 1: this is a conversation about resilience as much as anything.
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  Speaker 1: And one of my favorite stories of resilience comes from
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  Speaker 1: a man that I had the opportunity to spend some
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  Speaker 1: time with an interview and get to know reasonably well.
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  Speaker 1: His name was John McLean. John in nineteen eighty was
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  Speaker 1: an up and coming rugby league star out at Penrith
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  Speaker 1: and he was also right into triathlon. He was trying
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  Speaker 1: to work out which way do I go. I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to be a sports star one way or the other?
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  Speaker 1: What should I be? And one day, while he was
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  Speaker 1: training for a triathlon then the p and triathlon, he
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  Speaker 1: got hit by a truck on one of the busy highways
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  Speaker 1: in Western Sydney, and how he survived is beyond anyone's understanding,
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  Speaker 1: but he did become a paraplegic. He lost all movement
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  Speaker 1: from his belly button down. At that point, he was
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  Speaker 1: concerned about a lot of things as he went through
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  Speaker 1: the next twelve months of rehab and all of those
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  Speaker 1: hospital visits and physio and so on and so forth.
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  Speaker 1: But what he recognized pretty soon is that I can
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  Speaker 1: worry about a whole lot of stuff that I can't
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  Speaker 1: do anything about, or I can just focus on what
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  Speaker 1: I can do something about. As he focused on what
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  Speaker 1: he could do something about, he built up his upper body,
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  Speaker 1: he strengthened himself. Eventually he represented Australia at the Paralympics
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  Speaker 1: in rowing. He went and became the first Australian paraplegic
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  Speaker 1: triathlete and also one of the first paraplegic triathletes to
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  Speaker 1: complete the Hawaii Iron Man. He did it three times
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  Speaker 1: and he swam the English Channel. It took him twelve
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  Speaker 1: hours fifty five minutes. In case you're wondering, that's a
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  Speaker 1: long time to spend in the water, especially water that cold.
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  Speaker 1: What he did was he focused on what he could do.
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  Speaker 1: He focused on what the next best thing was in
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  Speaker 1: front of him, and he did that, and in so doing,
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  Speaker 1: he expanded his capacity to do more and more and more,
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  Speaker 1: until all of a sudden he was focusing on completely
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  Speaker 1: different things and achieving more than anybody would have ever
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  Speaker 1: thought was possible. When he got hit by that truck that.
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  Speaker 4: Day, Wow, the reality is his dream to become an
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  Speaker 4: athlete didn't change, just looks different. Yeah, a lot of
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  Speaker 4: circumstances around what other people limited him with did And
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  Speaker 4: that's a good reminder for us as we face whatever
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  Speaker 4: we're facing, whatever we feel limited in, whatever dreams have
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  Speaker 4: been crushed in the uncertainty, we have a little pivot,
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  Speaker 4: a little realignment, a little bit of reframing, and suddenly
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  Speaker 4: you might realize that that dream hasn't been crushed at all.
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  Speaker 4: Dr Justin Coilson has been inspiring. Thank you so much
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  Speaker 4: for helping me to answer our question.
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  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families