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Healthy & Redeemed | Is This Normal? Exploring the Difficult Journey of Grief - Part 2. · Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk

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Eli is a licensed counselor with a passion for helping Christians
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live healthier lives emotionally and spiritually.
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Each episode combines the truth of God's Word with practical
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advice to help you in your everyday life.
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Whether you want to grow emotionally, strengthen your
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faith, or handles life challenges with more peace, this
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podcast is for you. We're so glad you joined us.
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Let's get started. To God be the glory.
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Welcome back to the Healthy and Redeemed podcast.
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I'm your host, Haley. Today we're going to be
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finishing up our talk on grief. I will be talking about what
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prolonged or complicated grief looks like.
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How do you know if you're in it? And also, I will talk about some
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practical ways to move through the grieving process in a
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healthy way. So let's pick up with our
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conversation where we left off last time.
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Sometimes people feel like they're in this stage of
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prolonged or complicated grief. Like they feel like, Oh my gosh,
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I think I'm stuck. But really, if you look back and
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go, OK, like maybe Christmas came and something happened that
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really reminded you of your loved 1:00, and you're just like
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crying for two days or something like that.
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And then we think, oh, my gosh, I'm stuck in grief.
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I'm never going to get out. But really, you have to look
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back. And it's like, how has this
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whole past year been? Am I reacting in the same exact
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way that I would have six months ago or a year ago?
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Just because you have an intense emotion at a point doesn't mean
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you're in complicated grief or prolonged grief or that you're
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stuck in one of the stages. It just merely means you're
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experiencing a point of grief. According to the Center of
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Prolonged Grief that Columbia University, and I'm going to
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quote this here, prolonged grief is a grief that continues to be
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intense and pervasive, disrupting everyday life for
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longer than a year. People experiencing prolonged
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grief often describe it as feeling stuck in grief or frozen
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in time, as if the death has just happened.
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Grief dominates their thoughts and feelings, making it
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difficult to think about or concentrate on anything else.
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The future seems bleak and empty.
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They feel lost and alone. Relationships with the loved
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ones flounder, as does their own health.
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So you will see that is pretty extreme right?
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And most people after a year, although they still may be
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grieving, they have improved their functioning over time.
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So there is a small percentage of people that are in prolonged
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or complicated grief, sometimes a prior trauma or a loss or if
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they've got history of anxiety or mood disorders, insecure
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attachment or being a caregiver of the deceased, maybe they've
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experienced lack of support or some violent cause of death.
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That is when prolonged grief is going to be more more likely to
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happen. You're you lean one way when
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you've had these things happen, you're going to lean that way,
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but it doesn't mean necessarily that you're for sure going to
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experience prolonged grief. Like if you've had maybe your
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loved one died a violent death, you're going to lean toward the
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way of that could be prolonged grief, but it doesn't 100% mean
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you're going to experience. You are going to have a intense
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grief, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to
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be complicated or prolonged. A lot of that depends on your
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resiliency skills, how well you've done in the past with
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losses, what you've learned through those, your personality.
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And I also believe it has to do with how healthy your
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relationship with Jesus is. Columbia University actually has
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a self-assessment for prolonged grief, and I'm going to put that
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in the show notes. So if you think I'm having some
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of those symptoms that I mentioned, then just take this
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self-assessment and see if you might be experiencing that.
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According to the American Psychiatry Association, an
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estimated 7 to 10% of bereaved adults will experience the
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persistent symptoms of prolonged grief disorder.
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And among children and adolescents who have lost a
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loved one, approximately 5 to 10% will experience depression,
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post traumatic stress disorder, or and or prolonged grief
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disorder following their bereavement.
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So here are some symptoms of prolonged grief disorder.
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I'm going to just read these through identity disruption,
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such as feeling as though part of oneself has died.
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Marked sense of disbelief about the death.
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Avoidance of reminders that the person is dead.
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Intense emotional pain, such as anger, bitterness, sorrow
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related to the death. Difficulty with reintegration,
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such as problems with engaging with friends, pursuing
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interests, planning for the future.
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Emotional numbness, absence, or marked reduction of emotional
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experience. Feeling that life is
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meaningless, intense loneliness, feeling alone or detached from
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others. So if you've experienced grief,
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you're like, well, I've had all of those.
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And yes, that may be true. But actually for a diagnosis of
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prolonged grief disorder, the loss of your loved one had to
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have occurred at least a year ago for adults and at least six
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months ago for children or adolescents.
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And you have to have experienced three of those symptoms that I
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mentioned nearly every day for at least the last month prior to
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the diagnosis. So even though you've
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experienced probably those symptoms at some point in your
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grieving process, it is unlikely that those are still occurring a
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year after the death of them and that you're experiencing all of
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those symptoms or at least three of those symptoms every day for
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at least 30 days. So just keep that in mind.
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There's a self-assessment link in the show notes.
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Let's end this portion of grief, this difficult journey of grief,
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with some practical steps for a healthy grieving process.
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OK, so I am not saying that if you follow these tips that you
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are not going to feel grief. I'm saying you're going to feel
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grief. You're going to feel all the
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yucky emotions that nobody likes to feel or wants to feel.
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However, these things are going to help you.
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You don't necessarily, I don't think you have to do all of
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them, but implementing some in your life will help you move
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through the process in a healthy way.
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And so we're not trying to get rid of the grief, we're trying
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to process through the grief in a healthy way.
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OK #1 tell the story of death and effects of it on your life.
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It's important if you're going through grief that you talk
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about the person that you've lost.
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You talk about the effect that they've had on your life, the
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profound effect that they've had on other people.
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This is very important. It's a way to honor them.
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And bringing honor to our loved one that has passed is a healing
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#2 Understand the grief process and the effects of loss.
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Grief is not one and done. There may be times in your life
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that you feel it again. It may not be as intense as you
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felt it when it first happened, but things like weddings or
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births of children are going to be times where you miss that
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person desperately. So just note that it is
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important that we understand the grief process because that helps
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us work through it and helps remind ourselves that we're
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normal and this is a part of life here.
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Some great places to help you understand, you can Google most
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anything, right? We can Google about the grief
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process and the effects that loss has on our life.
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But a couple good resources. H Norman, right?
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He's an expert in grief, grieving and loss.
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He has written some wonderful books and I encourage you, if
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you haven't read a book by him and you've gone through grief,
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he's a great resource to have. So H Norman, right?
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He's got quite a few books. He's got his own website too.
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That's even got a lot of resources on there.
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So I encourage you to check him out.
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There's also some grief support groups, one's called Grief
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Share, and that is a great resource for people to plug into
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and you can go through this process in a healthy way and
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learn about grief. Also, there is a gentleman by
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the name of Kevin Ellers ELLERSI believe, and he has a workbook
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on Amazon that can help you work through some processes of grief.
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Also #3 identify the stages of grief that you have felt so far.
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So as we talked about grief, like just being a healthy person
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in general, if we're able to identify our emotions, that is
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an important part of being healthy and it doesn't change in
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the grief process. We want to be able to identify
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different feelings that we're having at different times.
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That just helps us be healthy. So we know, oh, this is a normal
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part of grieving is I'm feeling angry at that person, at myself,
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at God. That is normal #4 verbalize your
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feelings or emotions. This is an important part of
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being a healthy person in general.
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Also is verbalizing our feelings.
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We can do this through a journal.
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We can do this with friends, We can do this through spoken
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prayer is talk and verbalize our feelings.
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This helps it get out of our body #5 attend a grief support
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group. I mentioned grief share.
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Normally if you look up Hospice in your community, they'll
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normally host grief groups. You don't have to use the
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services of Hospice to attend a grief support group.
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Just call them and they'll connect you with some resources.
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Number six, be aware if you're avoiding the grief process and
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maybe identify what are those obstacles.
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Once you identify why you're avoiding the process or or what
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obstacles you have, then it's important to remove them so you
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can again move through #7 refocus on what life looks like
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without them. What did they do for me?
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How am I going to manage that myself now or how am I going to
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have others help me to do these things?
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So if you have a loved one that was really close to you and they
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helped you with lots of things, like they paid all the bills or
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they took care of the car maintenance, or they did all
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these things and now they're gone, you have to kind of look
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like, OK, these are the things I'm going to have to learn how
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to do, or I'm going to have to hire some of them to do them or
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have some friends help me with these things.
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You have to begin to look at life a little differently now.
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You have to look at what life looks like without them.
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So we're not going to stick our head in a hole, right?
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We're going to figure out what life looks like now #8 if we
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have feelings of guilt or we're stuck in anger, we need to be
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intentional about working through those, especially if
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there's some sense of unforgiveness.
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If the bitterness or anger is coming from unforgiveness, that
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we work through that process. I do have an episode on
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forgiveness, so if you want to go back and check that out if
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that's something that you're struggling with.
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A #9 express unsaid things through a letter or an empty
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chair or at the gravesite. So it's important that those
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things that you feel like you didn't get to say, it's
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important to get those things out.
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So we can write them a letter. We can set up an empty chair and
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talk to them like they were there, or we can go to the
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gravesite and talk to them there.
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So it's important that we're getting whatever is left unsaid,
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we're getting that said #10 talk about the loved ones with other
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family members through memories. It is important that we don't
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just never speak of them because we're scared we're going to cry
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or we're scared we're going to upset someone.
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It's very important that we honor their life, especially
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through good memories, and it's great to do that at family
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gatherings. Maybe you have a special dish
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that they liked or you just share some stories of like,
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wouldn't they think that was the funniest thing?
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Things like that. It can't be hard and people may
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shed some tears. You might shed a tear.
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It's still an important part of the grieving process.
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Do you want to teach your children godly traits such as
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kindness, gratitude and forgiveness?
15:18
The Red Ball is a story of Renata, a young girl who
15:21
receives a special gift. When that gift goes missing, she
15:25
is left to figure out what to do.
15:27
Through her journey, she learns a lot about herself and what
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forgiveness really means. The lessons found in the book
15:34
can be made even more meaningful with the Red Ball Companion
15:37
Activity Book. Featuring over 30 activities,
15:42
both books are the perfect addition to any homeschool
15:44
curriculum or as a thoughtful anytime story.
15:48
Get your copy today and help your child build a heart that
15:51
reflects Jesus #11 When coming up on new days without the loved
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one, like the anniversary of death or birthdays or holidays
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that we mentioned earlier, it is important to make a plan on how
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you're going to spend that day and, and choose something you
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can do to honor them or that's going to really bring some good
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feelings for you. It is so important that you make
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a plan. Don't just sit around and dread
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the day is coming. Make a plan for the day.
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I promise you it's going to help you feel a lot better.
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It may well most certainly it's still going to be a sad day, but
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it is going to give you an underlying sense of peace when
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you have a plan for the day. I can't tell you how many people
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have let these days slide in without any preparation.
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And it is really affected them hard, much harder than if
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someone has a plan. They're going to go here,
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they're going to release some balloons, they're going to go to
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the graveside, they're going to volunteer at their favorite
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place. They're going to do something
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that helps them honor that loved one.
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Maybe they're going to take the day off work, whatever #12 if
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you're grieving seems to be interfering with your daily
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functioning, it might be helpful to set up a grieving time.
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So if you listen to the last episodes on worry, I talked
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about a coping skill called worry time.
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And this is basically a time that you set aside to worry.
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And in the grieving process, you set aside a time to grieve.
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So if you're having a hard time getting through the day, which
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will be typical, it's very normal and common for that to be
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in the early days. But if you're three months down
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the road and you're still having a hard time functioning at your
17:49
job or just getting things done, maybe setting aside a grieving
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time would be helpful. So that day from 7:00 to 8:00
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PM, you're just going to set aside a time to cry, to think,
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to be depressed, to just get all in your feelings.
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And that way during the day is your, these waves come, you can
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go, OK, I'm just going to set that aside.
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And we're going to come tonight. And I'm going to think about
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that and process that and just let myself feel it #13 look for
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ways to honor your loved one. And this can be serving at their
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favorite charity, making a donation to their charity,
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making good choices in life, doing things with your life that
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honor them #14 this is a spiritual one.
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Pray, read the Bible, find some scriptures that are helpful to
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lean on. It is so important to be
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spiritually disciplined at this time.
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And this is going to be really hard.
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It's going to be hard to pray. It's going to be hard to read
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the Word. But be open with God as you pray
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about your feelings. Tell him you don't have the
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words to say. Ask Him to lead you to
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Scripture. That's helpful, but reading
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Scripture is going to remind you of God's promises.
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It's going to give you hope. It's going to give you
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gratitude. It's going to help us look for
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things to thank God for even as we are broken hearted #15 Keep a
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regular routine as much as possible.
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Try to get back into a regular scheduler routine as soon as you
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are able to do that. Now, I'm not saying it's going
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to be easy. You're going to have a hard time
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concentrating. You're going to have a hard time
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remembering things. You may seem a little scattered,
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but just know that's normal. But it's important and it's
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healthy that you get back to the things that God has created for
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you to do. And it is going to help your
20:10
mental health in the long run as well #16.
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Maintain good sleep, exercise and eating so you're going to
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take care of yourself physically.
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Make sure you're eating in a healthy way.
20:23
Ensure you're sleeping at least 8 hours a night and exercising
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in some way once a day. In previous episodes, we talked
20:31
about creating healthy coping skills.
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This is why it's so vital that we have these healthy things
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integrated into our life every day.
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So when these big things happen in our life that we've already
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got good things to lean on, this is going to help us move through
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whatever situation in a healthier way.
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So if trauma comes if. If death of a loved one comes,
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if major stress comes or anxiousness comes, we are we
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have got our life in a way that's healthy already and
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that's going to help us move through things in a healthier
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way #17 socialize. This is important in all times
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of our life, but especially important when we are struggling
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emotionally. So maybe having coffee with a
21:26
friend, joining an extra Bible study so it'll help you engage
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with others, asking someone to lunch, doing something to
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socialize. As we mentioned, this is
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important part of being healthy in our everyday life, and it's
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especially important when we're going through something
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extremely difficult. Also #18 ask for help.
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If you need help practically or emotionally, please reach out to
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someone for help. Like, this is so hard for us to
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do, right? But people want to help.
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People care about you and me and they want to help.
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We have to just, you know, step on our pride a little bit and be
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humble and ask people for help. Ask God for help.
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This Put people in your life so you can lean on them.
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Don't worry, you can pay them back someday.
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But for now, allow yourself to lean on the people that God has
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put in your life #19 give others grace.
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I know, but I preach this all the time because I've.
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Yeah, People aren't going to respond perfectly to you.
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I if you've experienced a hard time in your life.
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I know I have. I'm sure you have.
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People are going to say and do all the wrong things.
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Loss, death, grief. It can make others feel really
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uncomfortable, and it will often lead them to say and do things
23:09
that just seem frankly insensitive.
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But we have to know, and we have to remind ourselves that people
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do care. Sometimes they're just awkward
23:21
because they don't know how to show it or to say it.
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We have to give people grace. We can't just walk around angry
23:31
because people aren't responding to us in the right way.
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People aren't going to say the right things.
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They're going to say things that are insensitive.
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I have been shocked at some of the things that I have heard
23:42
people say, but honestly, I've probably said insensitive things
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too. Well, I'm going to take that
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back. I know I've said insensitive
23:51
things not on purpose, but just because I had nothing else to
23:54
say and something just come out of my mouth.
23:57
So have grace for people, know that they do care and you're
24:02
just going to have to not be easily offended and try to
24:07
easily forgive. I know it's hard.
24:09
You're already having a hard time, but it is important to
24:13
give people grace and #20 is to wait before you make big
24:21
decisions. I know that a lot of decisions
24:24
have to be made in especially in the early months of someone
24:30
passing and depending on if it was a spouse or child or a
24:35
parent, like you do have to make lots of decisions.
24:38
But if it can wait, I would encourage you to wait a bit to
24:43
make big decisions. I'm a big encourager of don't
24:47
make decisions in the midst of emotions.
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When you're having a lot of big and a lot of emotions, it's not
24:57
a good time to be making decisions in.
24:59
So if you can prolong some decisions, I would encourage you
25:03
to do that and wait till you're feeling a little bit more stable
25:07
cognitively to do that. So that is 20 practical steps to
25:13
have a healthy grieving process. Again, you can do all those
25:19
things. That doesn't mean you're not
25:20
going to hurt, you're not going to grieve, and you're not going
25:22
to have a hard time, but these things will hopefully help you
25:26
go through the process in a healthier way.
25:29
Also, there can be some really helpful grieving exercises that
25:34
you can do that are in some different grieving books.
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And if you can find a book that's written by some
25:43
professionals, people that have worked in the grief field for a
25:46
long time, do those, I would encourage you to do that.
25:52
When professionals share what they know, like these things
25:55
that I've shared, that's because I've worked with people grieving
26:00
for many years. So generally those things work.
26:04
Now, not all things work for every individual, but just
26:08
generally speaking, those things will be helpful.
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Let's close today's episode with some scripture, some that I find
26:18
encouraging. From Ecclesiastes 3 one through
26:22
8, you'll probably find it very familiar.
26:25
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity
26:30
under the heavens. A time to be born and a time to
26:35
die. A time to plant and a time to
26:39
uproot. A time to kill and a time to
26:43
heal. A time to tear down and a time
26:47
to build. A time to weep and a time to
26:51
laugh. A time to mourn and a time to
26:56
dance. A time to scatter stones and a
27:00
time to gather them. A time to embrace and a time to
27:05
refrain from embracing. A time to search and a time to
27:10
give up. A time to keep and a time to
27:14
throw away. A time to tear and a time to
27:19
mend. A time to be silent and a time
27:24
to speak. A time to love and a time to
27:29
hate. A time for war and a time for
27:34
peace. Healthy people understand there
27:39
are seasons in life, Seasons that are hard, and seasons to
27:45
move forward, to laugh, to dance, to heal, to mend.
27:52
Life moves forward no matter whether we want it to or not.
27:57
The morning comes, the sunsets, the tides come in and goes out.
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First Thessalonians chapter 4, verses 13 and 14 say, Brothers
28:13
and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who
28:17
sleep in death so that you do not grieve like the rest of
28:21
mankind who have no hope for. We believe that Jesus died and
28:27
rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus
28:32
those who have fallen asleep in him That, friends, is really
28:39
good news for believers. We believe that when we die that
28:43
we are with Jesus and all those who have put their faith in
28:48
Jesus will be with him when they leave this life.
28:52
We have hope, we know truth, and we know we serve a good,
28:59
faithful, and compassionate God. It is vital to always be working
29:05
on learning about God and the truths as He shared in the Bible
29:10
because this is going to help us not get stuck in the loss, but
29:14
get stuck in the hope we know this world is but for a moment
29:19
of time and eternity. We grieve, yes, but we must
29:24
grieve with hope as our foundation because we don't
29:28
grieve like the man who has no hope.
29:31
We grieve like a person who has hope, and our hope is in Jesus
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Christ. This is from Revelation 21,
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three through 4. And I heard a loud voice from
29:47
the throne saying, Look, God's dwelling place is now among the
29:52
people, and he will dwell with them.
29:56
They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be
30:01
their God. He will wipe away every tear
30:06
from their eyes. There will be no more death or
30:11
mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has
30:16
passed away. Remember, we can rejoice because
30:21
we are moving closer to a time where there will be no more
30:26
mourning, no more death, no more crying.
30:29
All will be made right as it was intended, from creation.
30:33
This is what we can rest our hope in.
30:35
God intended us for life. He didn't intend for us to have
30:41
tears or pain or death, and we are going to be able to rest in
30:47
Him. Meanwhile, you can know that God
30:52
is with you. He loves you and He hurts with
30:55
you. He will comfort you though, if
30:59
you let him, and He will bring you joy.
31:02
Again, Friends, thank you so much for joining me.
31:07
If you found this or any episode helpful, please let me know.
31:11
You can do that through e-mail or text, and that link is in the
31:15
show notes. If you can leave a rating or
31:18
review about the show wherever you listen, that would be so
31:23
helpful to me. Or if this episode has been
31:26
helful, you can share it with a friend.
31:29
Hey, did you know that I have healthy and redeemed merch?
31:32
Yeah, short for merchandise, go to my website
31:36
writtenbyhealey.com under the tab podcast, scroll about
31:40
halfway down and there you're going to find a sweatshirt, a
31:43
long sleeve shirt and a thermos. I love my thermos.
31:48
It's a good one. Now let's go out into this big
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God created world and live healthy and redeemed, reflecting
31:58
Jesus Christ rightly in all that we do.
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Thanks again for taking the time to be here with me.
32:05
Lord willing, I'll see you next time.
32:07
Thank you for listening. The information provided is to
32:09
be used as a resource. If you have a serious mental
32:12
issue, we would encourage you to contact the therapist in your
32:15
state.