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THE DISCLAIMER: Poetry Special · The Hauraki Big Show

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show Podcast
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Get up even closer On Instagram, YouTube and TikTok Or
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Raw Dog It Four to seven every weekday On Radio
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Hodakit Backbone! Hello!
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: G'day fellas Hello, do you ever think people hate the
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: way that this podcast starts?
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: I don't even think about it No, I've never given
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: it a thought at any point, Keezy Nah, neither To
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: be honest I mean, I'd imagine maybe 10% do. They go, oh,
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: do they have to do that at the start of
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: every podcast?
• 0:37
  Speaker 4: I just push play and then I just skip 30 seconds.
• 0:40
  Speaker 5: Yeah, that's what I'd do. I mean, if it's an issue.
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: I feel like actually Breakfast used to do that. Matt
• 0:47
  Speaker 4: and Jerry used to. They'd do something at the start
• 0:51
  Speaker 4: of that.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: They'd play the music.
• 0:52
  Speaker 4: There's the music.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: Let's get busy.
• 0:54
  Speaker 4: Let's get busy. Oh, that thing. I'd fast forward that shit. Really?
• 0:59
  Speaker 4: I liked it. I fucking hated it.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: And it G'd me up for some reason.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: No.
• 1:03
  Speaker 4: It was good for a while and then I was
• 1:04
  Speaker 4: over it. You know what I mean? Because it went
• 1:06
  Speaker 4: for years.
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: That's what I'm trying to do is just. Gee you
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: fellas up a bit You know what I mean You
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: guys often come in and you're sort of Dragging your
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: arses on the carpet Come on fellas I think.
• 1:18
  Speaker 4: He was thinking about a dog That's got worms hanging
• 1:21
  Speaker 4: out of it's anus Have you got worms Keezy.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: It's a hell of an accusation from you Jase We
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: went by the chemist to get some stuff for our
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: trip Rubbers I did the classic While my wife was
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: in line.
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: Hitting on another woman I was.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Around the other side of the shelf hitting on another woman.
• 1:40
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: While my wife was buying rubbers. And I was like, oh, hey, babe,
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: did you still need this? And it was like holding
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: up deworming tablets. And then she was just like, no.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, okay, cool. And I was like, oh,
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: what about this? And it was like diarrhea chocolate or
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: some shit. And the pharmacist was just like grinning.
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: Did she like that?
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: She thought it was funny.
• 1:58
  Speaker 5: Yeah, that's good stuff.
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and then I cheated on her.
• 2:02
  Speaker 5: Then you what? Cheated on her?
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: No, that's not what I said.
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: It's not cheating if you tell her that's what's up.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: It's not cheating if.
• 2:09
  Speaker 5: She knows what's up.
• 2:09
  Speaker 4: What, in the chemists?
• 2:10
  Speaker 5: Did you cheat on her while you were in the chemists?
• 2:13
  Speaker 4: That's right.
• 2:14
  Speaker 5: Talk me through it.
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: Well, that's private.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: How about this? You talk me through a time you've
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: cheated on someone, and then I'll do it.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: You were a cheating bastard back in the day, Jason.
• 2:25
  Speaker 5: Yeah, a little bit.
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: Any opportunity you got, you're in there.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: I've never cheated, eh? I'm a loyal little boy.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: I have told you my cheating story, and it's a
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: tragic one.
• 2:35
  Speaker 5: It was a terrible outcome.
• 2:36
  Speaker 4: The girl on the bus.
• 2:38
  Speaker 5: Oh, no, that was not cheating.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: That was just you breaking up with her.
• 2:41
  Speaker 5: That was just breaking up.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: And that's when he decided never to break up ever
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: again and to just be a cheater.
• 2:45
  Speaker 4: Just cheat. Just cheat, yeah, yeah. Then it's on there.
• 2:47
  Speaker 5: No, my breakup story, you've heard that, with all my poems.
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: Hey, probably.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: Oh, and she burnt all your poems.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: No.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: I had....
• 3:00
  Speaker 5: The most productive. That was another one.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: That was the most productive writing, most productive year of
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: my life.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: Were you fuelled by the adultery?
• 3:13
  Speaker 5: Without question, no, I hadn't started it at that point.
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: How old were you? Was you? Is you? 20.
• 3:19
  Speaker 5: 20?
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: Righto.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Okay, so this was in 2007.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: And like I've said, like I've said, you know, previously,
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: I wrote over 500 poems in one year.
• 3:36
  Speaker 5: Sometimes I do three a day.
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: I had a notebook with me everywhere I went, writing
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: just continuously.
• 3:42
  Speaker 4: We've spoken about this.
• 3:43
  Speaker 5: Yes, and.
• 3:46
  Speaker 5: Some of them were fucking good. Most of them were shit.
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: Here he is once again.
• 3:51
  Speaker 5: Most of them were shit.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: I have never heard one of your poems ever.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: No.
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: Well, what's interesting about that is it means you didn't
• 3:59
  Speaker 4: work on any of them because generally you'll write a poem,
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: it takes you weeks, months to write anything that you
• 4:07
  Speaker 4: think is any good and you've written 500 in a year.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: The Hauraki Big Show.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: Weekdays from 4 on Radio Hauraki.
• 4:16
  Speaker 6: Oh, g'day, Matt.
• 4:18
  Speaker 5: Oh, hi, mate.
• 4:18
  Speaker 6: Yeah. Look, if you want the chance to win all
• 4:21
  Speaker 6: our on-air competitions and stuff and get amongst the live conversation,
• 4:27
  Speaker 6: tune in to the Hauraki Big Show, four to seven
• 4:30
  Speaker 6: weekdays on Radio Hauraki and iHeartRadio.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: The Hauraki Big Show podcast. Dolly Parton wrote Jolene in
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: one day, one afternoon.
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: Are you comparing James to Tony Parton?
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Well, you've got the same buzzies.
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: The best stuff I've ever written has just come out.
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: It's just comedy-wise. But anyway, let me finish my story.
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: Well, you've got ages, man. We can bag you for this.
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: All typed out, you know, and so there was about
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: 500 of them. Then I tragically– Each and every one
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: of them are– Tragically had an affair– And my partner
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: found out. I came back to my flat, walked into
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: our room, and the entire floor was confetti.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: And that's fair enough.
• 5:22
  Speaker 5: Yep, totally. Well, I went.
• 5:24
  Speaker 4: I think so.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: I was devastated because I had no copies. So that
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: was them done and dusted.
• 5:32
  Speaker 6: Interest.
• 5:33
  Speaker 5: And at the time, Keezy, that's what I said. Fair enough.
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: Interestingly, this ex-partner said that's her one regret that she
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: did that.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: She felt bad.
• 5:45
  Speaker 5: She felt bad about it.
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: It's a shit move. You both had a shit move there. Totally.
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: She's just trying to hurt you as much as she
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: possibly can. You're in the moment these things happen.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 5:55
  Speaker 4: You can see how it happens. Were you 20?
• 5:56
  Speaker 5: Yeah, 20, 21 or something like that.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what you're going to get.
• 5:59
  Speaker 5: Rage, Mogey. It was pure rage.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: And I'm talking like tiny pieces, not like thick so
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: I could.
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: She was off her head, was she?
• 6:09
  Speaker 5: Not that I could ever put them back together, ever.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: You've got a typewriter. Surely you've written a poem recently.
• 6:16
  Speaker 4: Well, he was writing lots of poems when he got there.
• 6:18
  Speaker 4: I doubt it's got anything recent there. Have you got
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: anything recent, Jase?
• 6:22
  Speaker 5: Not recent.
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: Probably. There was plenty. He was doing plenty when he
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: got it. It's like a trampoline, though, Keezy. You play
• 6:29
  Speaker 4: with it hard. You go hard for a couple of
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: days and you're over it.
• 6:31
  Speaker 5: Yeah, pretty much.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: But you were just writing acrostic poems, though.
• 6:36
  Speaker 5: No. It was jizz.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: Mogi, jizz. And it'd be like, Mogi, the M was Mike.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: The O was- Ogling. Ogling.
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: The G was jizz.
• 6:49
  Speaker 4: No, the G was gonorrhea.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: Gonorrhea. Mike, ogling, gonorrhea. And then the E was ears.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: And the Y- Was why do I bother?
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: Why do I bother?
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: Well, that's what I'm asking myself right now, to be honest.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: I love the idea that you wrote 500 poems in
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: a year, but they were all acrostic poems.
• 7:10
  Speaker 4: Like real shit ones? Yes.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Have you ever written a limerick?
• 7:14
  Speaker 6: No.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Because the limerick's the one that there was an old man.
• 7:17
  Speaker 4: There was a man called Jizz.
• 7:19
  Speaker 5: One of the- It felt.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: Like he'd lost his fizz.
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: One of the best sugar and spice sketches was a
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: Shakespeare that I wrote.
• 7:26
  Speaker 5: That came out in one splurge.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: Was that the one with the fruit hanging down?
• 7:30
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: That was a good- That was a good one.
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: That was very funny.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Although Johnny skipped a few lines in that video.
• 7:36
  Speaker 5: Very weird.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: Funny as though. Very weird. It just makes no sense.
• 7:40
  Speaker 5: I don't know why I wrote that, but there you go.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: Is that on YouTube? Or did we share it on
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: our Hauraki Big Show, I think?
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: We did. Very funny.
• 7:50
  Speaker 5: Back in the day. But how was your day, fellas?
• 7:53
  Speaker 4: Oh, good question, man.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Good.
• 7:55
  Speaker 4: I got out of my pyjamas about half an hour ago.
• 7:58
  Speaker 4: Good for you. It's good stuff.
• 8:00
  Speaker 5: Well, you're working from home.
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: Just up there, just working from home, man. Nearly there.
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: I've got all of these things that I need to do.
• 8:07
  Speaker 4: A couple of them are you, Keezy, you mad bastard.
• 8:11
  Speaker 4: And I'll get them all done tomorrow, and then I'll
• 8:14
  Speaker 4: be free.
• 8:15
  Speaker 5: Yeah, nice.
• 8:16
  Speaker 4: Just do more shit.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I had a bit of a down buzz morning. Did you?
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Until about 10.30, I was like real down in the dumps.
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: Oh, easy.
• 8:26
  Speaker 5: Talk us through it, man.
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: How do you turn it around, man, when you're down
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: in the dumps?
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: Well, the thing for me... I think I've told you this,
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: is this whole I feel unsettled. I don't know where
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be going. And you don't care about it, Mike,
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: but for some reason it really affects me. But the reason,
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: and I'm not saying, oh, yeah, why do you even care?
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: I don't even care about it. It doesn't bother me.
• 8:41
  Speaker 4: But the reason it doesn't bother me is my whole life.
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: You've done that. That's what I've done. So it doesn't
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: bother me.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: I've never done that.
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: Yes, exactly.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: So I have to be out of my house when
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: I get back from Japan. We don't have anywhere to
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: go to. No houses have popped up for us to buy.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: We think we've got a place to stay, but we're
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: not sure.
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: Right, okay.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: And so that, and then for some reason that just-
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: How long have.
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: You got when you get back?
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: A week and a half.
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: A week and a half, yeah. I think I would be, yeah,
• 9:03
  Speaker 4: I'd have knocked your chances.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: But then the thing that makes me feel better is
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: it's like, oh, I've still got, you know, whatever, however long.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: But also just I've started packing up the house super early.
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah, which is smart.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: And so I've put half of our houses already in
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: the garage, in boxes, labelled.
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah, good shit.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: And it makes me feel a bit better.
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: My only thing would be, Just to make sure you
• 9:23
  Speaker 4: don't spend any time on it when you're away.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: No, totally.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: My wife and I discussed that. We're like, at the
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: end of each night, we might check Trade Me for listings.
• 9:31
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: And outside of that, nothing.
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: No go, yes. Yeah. Which is a good way to
• 9:36
  Speaker 4: do it. I would go, I would suggest that you
• 9:38
  Speaker 4: do first thing in the morning, then you've got a
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: whole day of activities to get that out of your mind.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:43
  Speaker 4: Because if you do it at night, you're taking it
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: to sleep with you. You have yourself in sleep.
• 9:47
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: So for some reason, nothing really affects me usually, but
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: this has. Mm-hmm. And, yeah, there's a few other little
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: things that I'm like, oh, fuck, I've got all this
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: to sort. I've got to do this oh my god
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: but then I feel better now because I just started
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: doing some fucking work getting it done man crossing it off.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: How do you eat an elephant Keezy one bite at
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: a time one bite at a time mate it's the
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: way to do it when you try and do everything
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: all at once.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: Not good can't eat an elephant in one bite that's why.
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: You know I'm going to go to Aussie down the
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: beautiful coastline there And the rest of the world can
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: fuck off.
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: Really?
• 10:23
  Speaker 5: That's my attitude.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: Even pugs?
• 10:25
  Speaker 5: Well, no, I mean, pugs and I will be in contact.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 10:29
  Speaker 5: Because we like to, you know.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: Will we be in contact?
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Or am I part of the rest of the world?
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: No.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: Is Moggy going to fuck off?
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: No, no, I would like to fuck off. I want
• 10:42
  Speaker 4: you to be over there just doing whatever. It's just
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: soaking up the culture, man.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, totally.
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: Both of you guys just soaking up. I look forward
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: to when you get back and hearing about Your different
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: experiences with the local culture.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: The issue is, where I'm going, it's pretty much the
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: same as here. Whereas Jase is going to Aussie.
• 10:56
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's pretty out there, but I mean, it'll be interesting.
• 11:00
  Speaker 5: I'm intrigued.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: It will be interesting, Jase.
• 11:03
  Speaker 4: It's going to be great, man. It'll be great. It'll
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: be hot. Your kids will be there.
• 11:06
  Speaker 5: Yeah, that's true.
• 11:07
  Speaker 4: How good.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: Running around, playing on the playground and stuff. No, they
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: won't be doing that.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: We'll be shucking oysters and eating good food.
• 11:16
  Speaker 4: Hell yeah.
• 11:17
  Speaker 5: One of the places we're staying.
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: Will you be shucking on a chilli dog?
• 11:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah, for sure. Golden Beach. It's got an awesome backyard
• 11:26
  Speaker 5: with a fire pit. This majestic, huge barbie. So I'm
• 11:31
  Speaker 5: planning on having a massive barbie.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: What are you going to put on it?
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: They've got a lot of huntsman spiders in there.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, big ones.
• 11:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah, probably.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Prawns. Probably carry Jase away.
• 11:41
  Speaker 6: Shrimp.
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: You've got to do shrimp.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Saucies.
• 11:42
  Speaker 6: Shrimp.
• 11:43
  Speaker 4: You've got to throw another shrimp on the barbie. Maybe
• 11:45
  Speaker 4: even a cray.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: That's cray, man.
• 11:48
  Speaker 4: It's madness.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Hey, listen to the big show, 407 Weekdays Radio.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, man.
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: Are you going to tell them that?
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just.
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: You're gone for two weeks.
• 11:56
  Speaker 6: Bye. We're going.
• 11:58
  Speaker 5: Bye.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: We'll see you in two weeks.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: Bye.