Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 409. Dealing with people you don’t like in the most productive way possible

Transcript

409. Dealing with people you don’t like in the most productive way possible · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Okay, welcome everyone, Welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:16
Speaker 1: So this podcast episode, we are talking about dealing with
0:19
Speaker 1: people that you don't like but in the most productive
0:22
Speaker 1: way possible. And when I talk about productive way possible,
0:25
Speaker 1: I'm talking about so you can walk out of that
0:27
Speaker 1: interaction with your sanity and with like the like the
0:31
Speaker 1: end goal in sight. I'm not going to go into
0:34
Speaker 1: what i mean by that throughout the episode, but I've
0:37
Speaker 1: got a whole bunch of points that I'm going to
0:40
Speaker 1: go through that i want you to ideally like. I've
0:43
Speaker 1: got like at least ten points, and i want you
0:46
Speaker 1: to ideally like write these down in dot point. This
0:49
Speaker 1: is the perfect episode if you currently have someone in
0:51
Speaker 1: your life that is driving you up the wall I'm
0:55
Speaker 1: talking about. It could be a friend, it could be
0:58
Speaker 1: someone in your friendship group. Well not a friend, because
1:00
Speaker 1: that's not someone you wouldn't like, But it could be
1:01
Speaker 1: someone in your friendship circle that just grinds your giars
1:04
Speaker 1: and you just don't get along with them. You could
1:05
Speaker 1: be a colleague. It could be someone that you're dealing
1:07
Speaker 1: with temporarily, like some kind of professional arrangement where you
1:11
Speaker 1: have to be dealing with someone you could be your
1:14
Speaker 1: landlord whatever. Okay, this will apply to all the above,
1:20
Speaker 1: So get comfortable, get your popcorn, and stay tuned. But
1:24
Speaker 1: before we do that, I'm going to talk about the
1:28
Speaker 1: brain fact, and the brain fact of today is about
1:33
Speaker 1: Riddlin and kind of what it is, how does it
1:36
Speaker 1: work in the brain to treat ADHD. Okay, So the
1:42
Speaker 1: common drugs to treat ADHD. We've got Riddlin and we've
1:45
Speaker 1: got DEXes, which is dexodrone dexodrine. But I'm mainly talking
1:51
Speaker 1: about Riddlin here, okay, because the two belong to different
1:54
Speaker 1: drug classes and they behave slightly differently within the brain.
1:58
Speaker 1: Sox this is dex amphetamines and it's an amphetamine. It
2:04
Speaker 1: is a derivative of an amphetamine such as methamphetamine MDMA,
2:08
Speaker 1: et cetera. And Riddlin is the brand name for the
2:10
Speaker 1: medication which is called methyl fenadate. Okay. So they do
2:15
Speaker 1: share similarities in their mechanism of action, but they still
2:18
Speaker 1: are pretty have distinct chemical structures, and they do differ
2:21
Speaker 1: in their potency and duration. So depending on which drug
2:25
Speaker 1: you are prescribed, you know, it depends on your you know,
2:31
Speaker 1: your needs basically, so they're not going to prescribe just
2:34
Speaker 1: a random one to you. Will be based on your needs,
2:36
Speaker 1: and then they're going to trial that and see if
2:38
Speaker 1: that works for you, and then maybe put you on
2:39
Speaker 1: a different drug if it doesn't work for you. So
2:43
Speaker 1: Riddlin is a central nervous system stimulant medication. Okay, So
2:48
Speaker 1: it's it is normally prescribed to treat ADHD, but it's
2:50
Speaker 1: also prescribed to treat narcolepsy. Okay. Now, the primary role
2:55
Speaker 1: of riddlin is to increase dopamine and neuropenephyrin in the brain.
3:00
Speaker 1: So these are the neurochemicals involved in attention, focus, and
3:03
Speaker 1: impulse control. And when these levels are low, or when
3:07
Speaker 1: these levels are imbalanced, it's going to throw off your
3:10
Speaker 1: ability to feel like you have these things under control.
3:14
Speaker 1: So increasing this neurochemical activity or neurotransmitter activity is aimed
3:20
Speaker 1: to help improve your concentration. It's going to decrease impulsivity,
3:23
Speaker 1: it's going to reduce hyperactivity as well. So how does
3:27
Speaker 1: it work. It works by blocking the reuptake of dopamine
3:31
Speaker 1: and neuropinephrin. And when you block the reuptake, I'm going
3:36
Speaker 1: to give you I've spoken about blocking reuptake of chemicals.
3:41
Speaker 1: In the past, when I've spoken about SSRIs to treat
3:43
Speaker 1: depression and things like that, this is a similar mechanism.
3:46
Speaker 1: So if you block the reuptake, the chemical, the neurochemical,
3:49
Speaker 1: the transmitter is not being cleared in the sign apps
3:53
Speaker 1: and therefore it's going to increase the concentration of that
3:56
Speaker 1: chemical between the signaps as the sign apps being the
3:59
Speaker 1: gap between your to neuron cells where that signal is transmitted.
4:04
Speaker 1: So if you imagine that one cell is dumping the neurotransmitter,
4:07
Speaker 1: the neurotransmitter then lands onto there's a gap the signaps,
4:11
Speaker 1: It then lands onto that receiving cell. Once it lands
4:14
Speaker 1: on the receiving cell, it lands on a receptor, and
4:17
Speaker 1: then the receptor is activated and then you get the
4:21
Speaker 1: action potential going through the next neuron. Okay, that's put
4:24
Speaker 1: it extremely simply. There's many other things that go on.
4:28
Speaker 1: So what happens is the ones that don't land or
4:30
Speaker 1: the ones that don't activate are kind of just floating
4:32
Speaker 1: in that signap. So then we have these little pumps
4:34
Speaker 1: or these other little cells that reuptake, so they collect
4:37
Speaker 1: what wasn't used and they you know, collect it up
4:41
Speaker 1: and then they pump it back into the original cell.
4:43
Speaker 1: Now for those people that have not enough of a neurochemical,
4:47
Speaker 1: you are blocking that reuptake, which means that you've got
4:50
Speaker 1: more time for that for example, dopamine to sit in
4:54
Speaker 1: that sign apps and hopefully activate that next neuron, So
4:58
Speaker 1: you get more activation of that next neur try and
5:00
Speaker 1: bring it up to kind of levels of the you know,
5:03
Speaker 1: the general public of what their levels would be or
5:06
Speaker 1: close to. That's the aim. So because the level is
5:12
Speaker 1: higher because you haven't cleared that signupse it allows more
5:15
Speaker 1: time or more chances for that chemical to perform its
5:17
Speaker 1: action on the receiving cell and you get a response
5:21
Speaker 1: that is according to the chemical that is binding to
5:23
Speaker 1: that target cell. So this increases activity specifically in areas
5:28
Speaker 1: such as the prefrontal cortex. So that's the part of
5:31
Speaker 1: the brain involved in planning, decision making, executive function, attention
5:35
Speaker 1: and more so we're getting higher activity in this area,
5:38
Speaker 1: which means enhanced cognitive performance. All right. Another key area
5:43
Speaker 1: involved in the brain is austraated, So we see an
5:46
Speaker 1: increase in dopamine in this area called australiat and, which
5:49
Speaker 1: is a brain region which is involved in motivation, action,
5:53
Speaker 1: and cognition. Okay, so this increase in brain activity is
5:58
Speaker 1: going to lead to improved symptoms, right. So some theories
6:02
Speaker 1: are that by doing this, the individual is more focused
6:04
Speaker 1: on the reward of the task instead of the effort
6:08
Speaker 1: involved in doing the task, which then makes them more
6:11
Speaker 1: likely to be distracted or to procrastinate, or you are
6:14
Speaker 1: more likely to be motivated and be productive on doing
6:18
Speaker 1: that thing, because if your focus switches when you're working
6:20
Speaker 1: on a task, if what you're focusing on changes, it's
6:23
Speaker 1: going to determine if you're likely to follow through or
6:24
Speaker 1: if you're going to be like, no, fuck this, I'm
6:26
Speaker 1: going to pull out and not even not even get
6:28
Speaker 1: started on that thing. Now, the side effects are increased anxiety,
6:33
Speaker 1: trouble sleeping for some people, for some individuals, reduced appetite,
6:38
Speaker 1: and of course it does not work on every individual,
6:40
Speaker 1: so it needs to be monitored by a healthcare professional.
6:42
Speaker 1: Like every drug, and even more so when you're talking
6:46
Speaker 1: about drugs that have their actions on the brain or
6:49
Speaker 1: on the central nervous system, it's very much case by
6:51
Speaker 1: case dependent. You're not seeing it work across the entire population,
6:55
Speaker 1: like you know, like a drug for example, like a
6:57
Speaker 1: regular painkiller, which kind of is a no brainer and
6:59
Speaker 1: works almost people. This is very different because it's not
7:03
Speaker 1: as easy to establish the chemical balance and imbalances in
7:06
Speaker 1: different people's brains and what's like the real underlying cause
7:09
Speaker 1: behind it. So that is the brain fact of today
7:12
Speaker 1: that is Riddling and the mechanism of action behind Riddlin
7:16
Speaker 1: and what brain regions it is working on. Now we're
7:20
Speaker 1: talking about the fun episode title, which is dealing with
7:26
Speaker 1: people that you don't like in the most productive way.
7:29
Speaker 1: So the way I'm going to go through this episode
7:30
Speaker 1: is I'm going to break down these ten or more
7:32
Speaker 1: points that I've written down, and we're going to work
7:35
Speaker 1: through these points and try and get our head around
7:38
Speaker 1: how we're going to work through these relationships in a
7:41
Speaker 1: really productive way, so we don't work ourselves up and
7:43
Speaker 1: feel like absolute shit every time we interact with this person. Okay,
7:47
Speaker 1: so what I want you to do is every time
7:49
Speaker 1: you are interacting with this person that you know you
7:53
Speaker 1: don't like, and when I'm talking about what I'm talking
7:56
Speaker 1: about in this particular episode is people that you already
7:59
Speaker 1: know you don't like. You already know this person's going
8:02
Speaker 1: to grind your gears. They're difficult to deal with. Yes,
8:04
Speaker 1: this can definitely be applied to people that you don't
8:08
Speaker 1: know that you're not going to like that kind of
8:10
Speaker 1: negatively unpleasantly surprise you. But I really want you to
8:14
Speaker 1: think about people that you're like, oh my god, this
8:17
Speaker 1: person's going to be there and I just cannot handle them,
8:19
Speaker 1: or I've got to send an email to this fuck
8:20
Speaker 1: with and I don't know how. And you're already working
8:23
Speaker 1: yourself up, okay, because so much of this exists in
8:27
Speaker 1: our head, So much of the working up factor of
8:30
Speaker 1: it exists in our head. You know, you've got their behavior,
8:33
Speaker 1: you've got your behavior, and then you've got how you're
8:35
Speaker 1: experiencing their behavior in your head, which makes it a
8:38
Speaker 1: thousand times worse than what it needs to be. Okay
8:41
Speaker 1: for the most part. So the first question you want
8:43
Speaker 1: to ask yourself is, before I interact with this individual,
8:47
Speaker 1: my in law, my boss, my whoever it is that
8:49
Speaker 1: grinds my gears, what do I want to get out
8:53
Speaker 1: of this interaction? I need to know. I need to
8:57
Speaker 1: be very clear on what my overall want out of
9:00
Speaker 1: this interaction is. Okay, Now, you might not have a
9:03
Speaker 1: major goal to get out of the interaction. But the
9:06
Speaker 1: interaction might be Let's say you hate your best friend's boyfriend,
9:10
Speaker 1: right and you're about to all go out, and they
9:13
Speaker 1: grind your gears and you just cannot handle them. Maybe
9:17
Speaker 1: your overall goal, the overarching goal, is I want this
9:23
Speaker 1: to be a you know, like a very peaceful, neutral interaction.
9:28
Speaker 1: I don't want. I'm not gonna you know, have I'm
9:32
Speaker 1: not gonna be worked up. I'm not gonna work this
9:34
Speaker 1: person up, because my aim is to leave there with
9:37
Speaker 1: the most peaceful interaction possible. Okay, no matter what happens,
9:41
Speaker 1: the best case scenario is that we leave that dinner
9:44
Speaker 1: and I feel sane, I don't feel like I've lost
9:47
Speaker 1: my shit, I don't have any demons. I can walk away.
9:50
Speaker 1: That's my main goal. Okay, Let's say you're dealing with
9:53
Speaker 1: the landlord. You could say my ultimate goal is to
9:57
Speaker 1: get this this thing fixed, or to get a duction
10:00
Speaker 1: in my rent because of whatever we could be fighting
10:02
Speaker 1: about all these other little things. But if I know
10:04
Speaker 1: what my overall goal is, it's going to allow me
10:07
Speaker 1: to navigate this conversation in a way where I've got
10:09
Speaker 1: you know, I'm focusing on that thing, So what do
10:12
Speaker 1: I want to get out of this? If you don't
10:14
Speaker 1: know what you want to get out of it, when
10:16
Speaker 1: you're about to interact with someone that you don't like,
10:18
Speaker 1: you will be swept up in what they want to
10:20
Speaker 1: get out of the thing, and that could be stirring you,
10:23
Speaker 1: pissing you off, getting you to argue about stupid little details,
10:27
Speaker 1: getting you confused, whatever, Keep just keep stay focused. Okay,
10:32
Speaker 1: Number two, Ask yourself, what are my actions showing that
10:37
Speaker 1: I want to get out of this? And does it clash?
10:39
Speaker 1: So if you look at your past interactions with this turd,
10:43
Speaker 1: what have your interactions shown in the past. Do you
10:46
Speaker 1: get worked up really easily? Do you get really upset?
10:49
Speaker 1: Do you get offended? Do you find yourself arguing the
10:53
Speaker 1: stupid little details? And if that is the case, if
10:57
Speaker 1: your actions show I'm willing to like go to go
11:01
Speaker 1: to the end of the earth arguing the stupid thing,
11:03
Speaker 1: or or if you yell at me, I'm gonna I'm
11:06
Speaker 1: gonna fucking attack you back. I'm gonna I'm not gonna
11:09
Speaker 1: be able to handle it. Or if you whatever that
11:10
Speaker 1: interaction is, or if you say something mean to me,
11:13
Speaker 1: I'm gonna shut down I'm gonna shut down and I'm
11:15
Speaker 1: not gonna talk to you, and I'm gonna be, you know,
11:17
Speaker 1: like a little nub you know, at this family interaction,
11:20
Speaker 1: whatever it is, Does that align with what you want? Do?
11:25
Speaker 1: My actions when I interact with this person aligned with
11:28
Speaker 1: my overall what I want to get out of this,
11:30
Speaker 1: And a lot of the time, if you're really frustrated
11:33
Speaker 1: with this person in your life, the answer is going
11:35
Speaker 1: to be no, it doesn't align. Okay. So, and the
11:40
Speaker 1: reason for that is because you're focusing on the small details.
11:42
Speaker 1: We've got to remember when we deal with someone we
11:44
Speaker 1: don't like, zoom out bigger picture. What are my actual priorities? Okay?
11:47
Speaker 1: The third thing you want to ask yourself is what
11:51
Speaker 1: do I think that they want to get out of this?
11:54
Speaker 1: Or what are they demonstrating based on their behavior that
11:58
Speaker 1: they want to get out of this? Okay? So, a
12:01
Speaker 1: lot of the time it's going to be power the
12:04
Speaker 1: other person. If there's someone that's grinding your gears and
12:07
Speaker 1: really up in your grill, a lot of the time
12:09
Speaker 1: they want power over you over a situation they feel insecure,
12:14
Speaker 1: and if their way of fine getting security, they maybe
12:18
Speaker 1: want to impress other people around them. By showing that
12:22
Speaker 1: they can control other people, they might want to be
12:26
Speaker 1: dodging get a good deal financially, so they're fucking you over.
12:31
Speaker 1: But you've got to ask yourself, what do I think
12:34
Speaker 1: that this person wants to get out of it? Because
12:35
Speaker 1: if I'm a bit more aware, if I have more
12:38
Speaker 1: awareness of their overall intention, then again I have more
12:42
Speaker 1: control on how I navigate this thing. I can stay
12:45
Speaker 1: focused on what their overall goal is and if I'm
12:48
Speaker 1: going to give into that or not, and what giving
12:50
Speaker 1: into that looks like. Because if their goal is to control,
12:53
Speaker 1: they want to be in control. They want to throw
12:55
Speaker 1: their weight around because they're insecure and this is what
12:57
Speaker 1: makes them feel good. And if I'm always like snapping
13:01
Speaker 1: and getting upset and blowing up, then they got exactly
13:04
Speaker 1: what they wanted and I didn't even get close to
13:07
Speaker 1: what I wanted. Okay, And sometimes you think of while
13:10
Speaker 1: I was standing up for myself and I was standing up.
13:13
Speaker 1: But a lot of the time we actually lose the
13:16
Speaker 1: essence of what standing up for ourselves means if we're
13:19
Speaker 1: dealing with an incompetent fuck wit, and we end up
13:22
Speaker 1: causing more harm on our mental health. Than what we thought,
13:25
Speaker 1: you know, standing up for ourselves would do. You've got
13:27
Speaker 1: to be well, I'm all for standing up for yourself,
13:29
Speaker 1: but when you're dealing with someone who's impossible, you've got
13:33
Speaker 1: to think where where is the line of where I'm
13:37
Speaker 1: going to walk away feeling mentally sane after this interaction
13:40
Speaker 1: versus not? Because sometimes you're going to fight a losing
13:43
Speaker 1: battle and you could use the excuse oh yeah, yeah,
13:45
Speaker 1: but I had to stand up for myself. I had to.
13:48
Speaker 1: Sometimes you've got to like play the long game, or
13:50
Speaker 1: you know, in order to win the war, you've got
13:52
Speaker 1: to lose the battle kind of thing. Okay, So number four,
13:57
Speaker 1: knowing what I know is my current behaviors with my
14:02
Speaker 1: behaviors of the past, the best course of action to
14:04
Speaker 1: have my needs met? Okay, And I'm going to tell
14:07
Speaker 1: you right now the answer probably going to be no,
14:09
Speaker 1: because if you're listening to this episode, you're going to
14:11
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, no, I've literally, you know, fallen into
14:14
Speaker 1: the trap of letting them get away with it, or
14:17
Speaker 1: letting them be little me, or playing small when they
14:20
Speaker 1: do be a little me, or snapping or you know,
14:24
Speaker 1: getting caught up in the nitty gritty stupid things because
14:28
Speaker 1: they're trying to trip me up. I need to be
14:31
Speaker 1: the one that stays. You know, zoomed out is focused
14:34
Speaker 1: on the end goal, and so ask yourself, knowing what
14:38
Speaker 1: I know, is my behavior the best course of actions
14:40
Speaker 1: to have my needs met? Okay, because you've got to
14:43
Speaker 1: teach people how to treat you, and how I behave
14:45
Speaker 1: with one person isn't going to be how I behave
14:48
Speaker 1: with another person. And it's not because I'm a different
14:50
Speaker 1: version of myself every time. But if I'm around someone
14:53
Speaker 1: who I trust, I don't have to think, Like, for example,
14:56
Speaker 1: if I'm hanging out with my cousins, I don't have
14:58
Speaker 1: to think what do I want out of this interaction.
15:00
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with people that I trust, I instantly go
15:03
Speaker 1: in with my walls down. Because I'm around people that
15:06
Speaker 1: I trust and I feel very safe around emotionally Versus
15:10
Speaker 1: if I'm going to interact with someone I know I
15:12
Speaker 1: don't like, I need to mentally gear myself up, being like, Okay,
15:16
Speaker 1: this is what I want to affect, this is what
15:18
Speaker 1: they normally do to me, this is how I normally react,
15:19
Speaker 1: and this is how I normally feel when I walk away.
15:21
Speaker 1: No thank you, no, thank you, no, thank you. I
15:23
Speaker 1: need to figure out how I'm gonna walk into this
15:26
Speaker 1: so I can walk away feeling like I'm at peace.
15:30
Speaker 1: I don't have to win, I don't have to whatever.
15:33
Speaker 1: I want to walk away at peace. I want to
15:35
Speaker 1: feel good about myself and I want to feel calm. Okay,
15:40
Speaker 1: Number five, am I choosing battles instead of the bigger
15:43
Speaker 1: picture and then getting tangled up and choking on bullshit
15:46
Speaker 1: instead of being the calm one in the room. Okay,
15:49
Speaker 1: So sometimes you need to lose the battle. Sometimes you
15:53
Speaker 1: need to let them have the last word. If you're
15:55
Speaker 1: at a dinner and someone's like prodding, prodding, prodding, prodding,
15:59
Speaker 1: this is where I, personally, unless I've got the best
16:02
Speaker 1: one liner to shut them down, and I don't. This
16:05
Speaker 1: is where I'm like, in the long run, who's going
16:08
Speaker 1: to win out of this? And what does winning look
16:10
Speaker 1: like for me? Winning is my sanity? So what's going
16:15
Speaker 1: to you know? Because I could be like, no, I
16:17
Speaker 1: have to have the last word they you know, they
16:19
Speaker 1: hurt me, I'm going to hurt them back. But that's
16:20
Speaker 1: not winning because then you leave so fired up, so
16:24
Speaker 1: worked up, instead of thinking this person is insecure. This
16:28
Speaker 1: person has obvious issues, right that are not my problem.
16:33
Speaker 1: And also this person is not me. My brain doesn't
16:36
Speaker 1: operate the way this person's brain operates. By me arguing
16:39
Speaker 1: with this half wit, it's going to I'm suggesting to
16:43
Speaker 1: myself that I'm at that person's level, and that I
16:47
Speaker 1: you know, if I'm arguing back, I'm saying, we're on
16:49
Speaker 1: the same playing field, right, So if I can acknowledge
16:53
Speaker 1: all these things, then we're not the same person and
16:54
Speaker 1: all these different things, then I'm going to feel a
16:56
Speaker 1: whole lot better being like, you know what, you're on
17:00
Speaker 1: your own journey. You having this you know, bullying thing,
17:03
Speaker 1: that is you on a journey that I don't have
17:06
Speaker 1: to go on, and so I won't. So I'm gonna
17:09
Speaker 1: sit here and mind you, it's very easy to say
17:12
Speaker 1: this when you're calm. This is why I'm saying, you've
17:14
Speaker 1: got to prep yourself for these these thoughts. You've got
17:17
Speaker 1: to prep yourself, right, it's the pep talk that you've
17:21
Speaker 1: got to give yourself before you interact with these people,
17:23
Speaker 1: because it will become second nature. But if you're used
17:26
Speaker 1: to snapping, if you're used to someone says something and
17:29
Speaker 1: you see red, because you've had it up to here,
17:31
Speaker 1: up to here, and I'm pointing to my to my pairline.
17:34
Speaker 1: If you've had it up to here with this fucking person,
17:37
Speaker 1: then it's so easy to get triggered and you go
17:39
Speaker 1: off the rails. This is why it's so important to
17:42
Speaker 1: have these PEP talk preps. So write these points down
17:45
Speaker 1: because you don't have to listen to this forty minute
17:48
Speaker 1: episode every time because you might not have the time.
17:50
Speaker 1: But if you have these key points down, then you're like,
17:53
Speaker 1: all right, right, right right, I'm going to go to
17:55
Speaker 1: you know, my my, my in laws and they they
17:56
Speaker 1: were and bang, go through the list, Go through the list,
17:59
Speaker 1: go through the list. Okay, So always remember that when
18:04
Speaker 1: you're interacting with this person, those are the key points. Like,
18:07
Speaker 1: they're a different person to me. You know, they're going
18:10
Speaker 1: through a fucking journey that I don't need to be on.
18:12
Speaker 1: They're likely very insecure, they might have demons, they've got
18:15
Speaker 1: maybe a history that has caused them to behave the
18:18
Speaker 1: way they're behaving, and that's not my problem or my responsibility,
18:23
Speaker 1: and so then you've got to think, Okay, knowing that
18:27
Speaker 1: is my pride going to override my logic, okay, because
18:33
Speaker 1: pride is what's telling you you are right. Let them
18:37
Speaker 1: know you're right. Pride is telling you you you know
18:40
Speaker 1: they said this to you, even the score say it
18:42
Speaker 1: to them. But the problem is that pride will very
18:47
Speaker 1: often leave you feeling worse off. It's going to leave
18:50
Speaker 1: you realizing that you fixated on something so much smaller,
18:54
Speaker 1: and it's going to leave you very shaken. We've all
18:57
Speaker 1: been there. I've been there. Oh, I've been there, and
19:00
Speaker 1: I'm sure what we all can relate to that emotion
19:03
Speaker 1: of when you leave an interaction and you're like, oh,
19:06
Speaker 1: that was very ugly, and a side of me, an
19:09
Speaker 1: ugly side of me came out because I had to
19:11
Speaker 1: match their level, and the only way to match that
19:14
Speaker 1: person's level was with this ugly side of me coming
19:17
Speaker 1: up that I don't even like. That's so not even me.
19:19
Speaker 1: And I'm trying to level up in all areas of
19:22
Speaker 1: my life. I'm trying to be this person.
19:24
Speaker 2: And here I am having a cat fight with some
19:28
Speaker 2: cunt on the other side of the table, or here
19:30
Speaker 2: I am being like oh because like someone like put
19:33
Speaker 2: me down, or here I am battling it out with
19:35
Speaker 2: my fucking with this lawyer or a landlord or someone
19:38
Speaker 2: in a professional setting, you know, and it's just causing.
19:42
Speaker 1: Me mental health problems. Now. It's causing me anxiety, it's
19:45
Speaker 1: causing me a lack of sleep, it's causing me to
19:46
Speaker 1: like really suffer in other areas of my life. Number six,
20:11
Speaker 1: Am I falling for their tactics due to the lack
20:15
Speaker 1: of me not having my eye on the prize? The
20:17
Speaker 1: prize being your sanity. When I say your eye on
20:19
Speaker 1: the prize, it's your sanity. Okay. The difference between an
20:24
Speaker 1: adult having an actual discussion or a debate or an
20:29
Speaker 1: argument versus a child, right is that as an adult,
20:34
Speaker 1: you can keep your eye on the prize. You can
20:38
Speaker 1: focus on your sanity, not say something you'll regret, maintain
20:42
Speaker 1: your status as someone who can regulate your emotions and
20:47
Speaker 1: be in control of your emotions, and not revert to
20:50
Speaker 1: acting like a toddler with zero emotional regulation skills and
20:53
Speaker 1: snapping at the first person that snaps at you. Okay,
20:56
Speaker 1: you're thinking, it's not about I have to say stand
21:00
Speaker 1: up for myself right now. Okay, I have to put
21:03
Speaker 1: them in my place, and that's the only way I'm
21:05
Speaker 1: going to feel good about myself. You've got to look
21:07
Speaker 1: back at your past and think. I'm all for standing
21:10
Speaker 1: up for myself, but sometimes standing up for myself is
21:14
Speaker 1: me protecting my space. Right, if I've got a track
21:19
Speaker 1: record with someone who always treats me poorly, for me
21:24
Speaker 1: moving forward, the best way forward is to be like,
21:28
Speaker 1: I've done what I can do with this person. I've
21:30
Speaker 1: tried to speak to them nicely. I've tried to do this.
21:32
Speaker 1: I've tried to It's never worked. So I know that
21:35
Speaker 1: for them, they get something out of it when I
21:36
Speaker 1: bite de bait. So they want me to try and
21:40
Speaker 1: quote unquote stand up for myself. So what I need
21:43
Speaker 1: to do is eliminate the energy that I'm giving to
21:46
Speaker 1: this person. That's what I need to do. I need
21:48
Speaker 1: to just say the bare minimum that I need to
21:50
Speaker 1: say in order to have this interaction, and that is that, okay,
21:54
Speaker 1: and that's me standing up for myself. I'm not giving
21:57
Speaker 1: you that energy anymore, Okay, I don't have If you
22:00
Speaker 1: accuse me of something that's your belief. I don't have
22:04
Speaker 1: to now delve deep and to prove myself. I don't
22:06
Speaker 1: have to prove anything to you, including why I need
22:09
Speaker 1: to defend myself. I'm going to remove the energy because
22:11
Speaker 1: it's not worth my time. Okay, Number seven, am I
22:17
Speaker 1: trying to teach a more on a lesson? This is
22:20
Speaker 1: where we really get caught up. This is where we
22:22
Speaker 1: really choke. Okay. I was talking to my mum recently
22:28
Speaker 1: and she was dealing with this agent and they were
22:32
Speaker 1: going back and forth. And this agent, like a real
22:34
Speaker 1: estate agent, was I'm telling you a nightmare. I've read
22:38
Speaker 1: the emails. I was like, Oh, anyone who deals with
22:42
Speaker 1: this man needs like a degree in like psychiatry to
22:47
Speaker 1: feel better about it. This guy was just like a
22:49
Speaker 1: piece of work. But then my mom was saying, no,
22:53
Speaker 1: but I've got to raise these things because he's got alone.
22:55
Speaker 1: He's got alone. And I'm like, this is the problem.
22:56
Speaker 1: This is why you're getting so worked up about it.
22:58
Speaker 1: You it's not your job to teach a moron a lesson.
23:02
Speaker 1: He's an adult. He's never gonna learn, at least not
23:05
Speaker 1: from you. Got his eye on the price, He's trying
23:08
Speaker 1: to get something. You go in, you get what you need,
23:11
Speaker 1: You figure out what you're are on the like you're
23:12
Speaker 1: ire on the price, and you leave. You want minimal
23:15
Speaker 1: interaction with this person. The moment you start trying to
23:17
Speaker 1: teach someone a lesson, you were saying, you know what,
23:19
Speaker 1: I've just increased the amount of interaction time I have
23:23
Speaker 1: with this idiot. I don't have to teach you how
23:29
Speaker 1: to be a respectful adult. It is not my job
23:31
Speaker 1: to teach you how to behave like an adult, to
23:33
Speaker 1: teach you what's right and what's wrong, what's respectful and
23:36
Speaker 1: what's disrespectful. Where you made a mistake and where you
23:39
Speaker 1: didn't make a mistake, where you forgot this thing, or
23:41
Speaker 1: where you did it. That's not my job. I've already
23:43
Speaker 1: identified that you're not someone I'm going to be friends with,
23:46
Speaker 1: or you're not someone that we could have like a
23:48
Speaker 1: you know, fruitful relationship. So why am I doing this
23:51
Speaker 1: to myself? You know, I'm working myself up for what
23:55
Speaker 1: I'm teaching. I'm trying to teach someone something you don't
23:57
Speaker 1: even like them, know you thinking? You also, you're thinking
24:02
Speaker 1: you have to teach someone a lesson is delusional, right,
24:07
Speaker 1: because just because you have a moral compass, it doesn't
24:09
Speaker 1: mean that they have a moral compass. You're wasting your time.
24:12
Speaker 1: Stop trying to teach people a lesson. Just because you
24:17
Speaker 1: are morally correct, or you deem yourself to be morally
24:21
Speaker 1: correct because you're more respectful because you're nicer. It's going
24:26
Speaker 1: to land on death ears. Okay, the next one, number eight,
24:31
Speaker 1: How am I going to protect myself moving forward when
24:34
Speaker 1: I deal with this individual? Okay, so now you know
24:37
Speaker 1: what you're looking out for. Now you know what you're
24:39
Speaker 1: are on. The prize is now you've got to say,
24:41
Speaker 1: when shit does hit the fan, when this person does
24:44
Speaker 1: grind my gears or press my buttons, what is my
24:47
Speaker 1: protective mechanism to myself? Am I going to make eye
24:51
Speaker 1: contact and then turn and start a conversation with somebody else?
24:54
Speaker 1: Am I going to say to my friend, Hey, look,
24:57
Speaker 1: every time we hear this person whatever, can you just
25:00
Speaker 1: just be there? And if I need to pivot and
25:03
Speaker 1: talk to someone else, Like, I don't want to snap
25:04
Speaker 1: like I normally do. I don't want to get into
25:06
Speaker 1: these fights and like ruin the vibe for everyone else
25:09
Speaker 1: because myself and this person always fighting. Can you just
25:12
Speaker 1: be and then your friends like yeah, oh yeah, because
25:14
Speaker 1: I also hate it when you guys get into a fight,
25:16
Speaker 1: So yes, I'll be there for you. And then so
25:17
Speaker 1: that way, like you're prepping someone else to help you,
25:19
Speaker 1: am I Is it something that I can just walk
25:21
Speaker 1: away from? Is it something that I don't need to
25:23
Speaker 1: reply to that specific email? What is it that I
25:26
Speaker 1: can already plan ahead where I can start to protect
25:30
Speaker 1: myself when my in law says this thing to me?
25:33
Speaker 1: Can I just have something that's you know, gonna not
25:36
Speaker 1: give me demons? So if I'm like, no, no, no,
25:39
Speaker 1: I don't feel right sang a one liner back to them,
25:41
Speaker 1: because then I'm gonna regret it, that's okay. Well, what
25:44
Speaker 1: can you do that you know that you can still
25:46
Speaker 1: protect your space and then step away, even if it
25:49
Speaker 1: means a circuit breaker, even if it means like they
25:51
Speaker 1: say something to you, you say, you know what, I'm
25:53
Speaker 1: excuse me, I really need to make an ergent phone call.
25:56
Speaker 1: Break it, break that, whatever it is. But you're like,
25:59
Speaker 1: I'm not going down this path again. I'm not doing
26:02
Speaker 1: this to myself. I'm not doing this to myself, no
26:06
Speaker 1: matter how hard you prod. No matter how hard you prod,
26:08
Speaker 1: I'm not engaging. Okay. The next one, number nine is
26:17
Speaker 1: remind yourself there is a reason I do not have
26:21
Speaker 1: a good relationship with this person. Okay, So why am
26:25
Speaker 1: I letting myself get upset or worked up when they
26:28
Speaker 1: say something mean or hopeful or untrue about me. I've
26:31
Speaker 1: already established that we are not friends. I've already determined
26:35
Speaker 1: that I don't want this person in my life. Why
26:38
Speaker 1: they're not a good person in my eyes? Why am
26:40
Speaker 1: I then so delusional in thinking that they were going
26:45
Speaker 1: to be nice to me. I don't need them to
26:46
Speaker 1: be nice to me. I've I've already determined who they are.
26:50
Speaker 1: I've already determined their character, right, So expect their behavior
26:56
Speaker 1: and it's not going to be a shock if you're like, oh,
27:01
Speaker 1: oh my god, every time the same person says something
27:04
Speaker 1: bad to you or mean to you or hurtful, who's
27:07
Speaker 1: the fool? You? Sorry, but you are the fool And
27:11
Speaker 1: I've been there too, And it sucks because you're like
27:14
Speaker 1: wishful thing. I don't know what it is, what it
27:16
Speaker 1: is that we say to ourselves, wishful thinking. It's like,
27:18
Speaker 1: I literally know your track record. I know I don't
27:21
Speaker 1: like you. I know we're never gonna be friends. I
27:24
Speaker 1: don't like your character. So why am I getting upset
27:27
Speaker 1: when I should have just expected this behavior? Expect it
27:32
Speaker 1: and then be shocked and amazed if they don't follow
27:35
Speaker 1: through with their normal behavior. They are showing you a
27:39
Speaker 1: pattern of behavior. You take it with both hands and
27:41
Speaker 1: you run with it. You like, thank you for that information.
27:43
Speaker 1: Thank you, because now I can figure out what I'm
27:45
Speaker 1: gonna do. Stop getting upset. You're wasting your time. You
27:49
Speaker 1: are wasting your time letting this person upset you again
27:52
Speaker 1: and again and again. They can upset you the first time,
27:54
Speaker 1: maybe the second time, but the third time you're like, can't.
27:57
Speaker 1: I need to get my shit together. I need to
27:59
Speaker 1: get my shit together and stop expecting differently from this
28:02
Speaker 1: person because the fool is now met and I'm better
28:04
Speaker 1: than that. I'm a lot smarter than that. This is
28:06
Speaker 1: not on brand. Okay, The next point number ten is
28:10
Speaker 1: stop acting like a child that can't see around corners.
28:14
Speaker 1: You're more developed than that, so behave like it. Okay,
28:18
Speaker 1: you need to get a spine, and you need to
28:20
Speaker 1: remind yourself that you are the one that decides if
28:25
Speaker 1: someone's gonna let you feel a certain way or not. Now,
28:28
Speaker 1: this doesn't apply to someone who you've let your walls
28:31
Speaker 1: down and you've trusted and you've built a relationship with
28:33
Speaker 1: and then they've gone to fuck you. Ever, that's different, okay,
28:35
Speaker 1: because you've built rapport, you've built trust with this person,
28:38
Speaker 1: and then they've gone and deceived you. Right. What I'm
28:41
Speaker 1: talking about is you are well aware of the interactions
28:45
Speaker 1: you're gonna have with certain people once you learn their character,
28:50
Speaker 1: start to see around corners better. Okay, I want you
28:54
Speaker 1: to remind yourself. It's like, why would I let somebody
28:58
Speaker 1: who has a completely different character to me determine how
29:01
Speaker 1: I feel about myself? That's crazy if I think about
29:04
Speaker 1: it logically, if I remove emotions and think about it logically,
29:07
Speaker 1: you imagine that you're talking to a friend, right, and
29:10
Speaker 1: there's one person in your friend's life that's trying to
29:13
Speaker 1: put them down, trying to put them down to and
29:14
Speaker 1: you're like, bro, you got so many good people around you,
29:17
Speaker 1: got so much going for you. Why you listen to
29:19
Speaker 1: what this person says? You don't even like them? Do
29:21
Speaker 1: that for yourself? Okay, So you got to say, it's
29:25
Speaker 1: my call. If I'm gonna let this person make them
29:28
Speaker 1: feel shit about me or make me walk away having demons,
29:31
Speaker 1: or if they're gonna let me snap or not, it's
29:33
Speaker 1: my call. And I know it's hard at the start,
29:37
Speaker 1: but the more I practice these like pep talks and
29:39
Speaker 1: these questions and I get my head around having to
29:43
Speaker 1: deal with this person, it's going to become easier and
29:45
Speaker 1: easier and easier, and then it becomes second nature. And
29:48
Speaker 1: then I learned that automatically. That's how I start to
29:51
Speaker 1: deal with painful people that I don't like in my life.
29:54
Speaker 1: I only give them the bare minimum energy to get
29:57
Speaker 1: what I need to get out of this situation, and
29:59
Speaker 1: I don't give it many more time of day. Right,
30:03
Speaker 1: So finally ask yourself, am I able to be ruthless?
30:08
Speaker 1: Or am I a weak dog in this situation? Ruthless?
30:12
Speaker 1: Or a weak dog? Am I a piece of like
30:16
Speaker 1: gluten free bread that crumbles just by looking at it?
30:18
Speaker 1: Or do I have a spine with integrity? Like? What
30:21
Speaker 1: is it going to be? Because at the end of
30:23
Speaker 1: the day, you can't control other people's behavior. You can
30:26
Speaker 1: only control yours. You now have not just this episode,
30:30
Speaker 1: but all my other episodes, plus other resources out there
30:33
Speaker 1: that I haven't given you. But you have the ability
30:36
Speaker 1: to preempt these things. You can write these things down
30:40
Speaker 1: and give yourself the pep talk. Look at your old behavior,
30:43
Speaker 1: you know, like you could workshop these things. We're always evolving,
30:47
Speaker 1: we're always growing. You might have been the person that
30:49
Speaker 1: always snapped and that easily reacted, but not anymore because
30:52
Speaker 1: you can evolve and you can change as many times
30:54
Speaker 1: as you want. Okay, So ask yourself, do I have integrity?
30:58
Speaker 1: Do I have a spine? Or do I not? And
31:01
Speaker 1: I'm gonna choose because I'm more than happy to accept
31:06
Speaker 1: when someone deceives me, when I trust to someone and
31:09
Speaker 1: they let me down, and that's fine for that to
31:10
Speaker 1: be a shock, But I'm not gonna let myself get
31:12
Speaker 1: shocked when the same can't comes back with the same
31:15
Speaker 1: bullshit in the same way for the tenth time. That's
31:18
Speaker 1: just ridiculous. Why am I getting myself worked up? This
31:21
Speaker 1: is just crazy? Like this is just ridiculous, all right,
31:25
Speaker 1: So remember you need to prioritize yourself. You need to
31:27
Speaker 1: be looking at the bigger picture. It's not about the battle.
31:31
Speaker 1: It's about the overall end game of what I need
31:33
Speaker 1: to get out of this, And most of the time
31:34
Speaker 1: what you need to get out of that is just
31:35
Speaker 1: gonna be your sanity after that interaction. Or it might
31:39
Speaker 1: be like one main thing that you need to, like
31:40
Speaker 1: with my mum and this guy that she was emailing.
31:43
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what you want out of this interaction.
31:45
Speaker 1: Stop fucking around with his stupidity. Just get what you
31:49
Speaker 1: want out of this interaction and be done with the guy. Yes,
31:52
Speaker 1: he's lied a thousand times, but I on the prize
31:56
Speaker 1: you're not here to teach him a lesson. Okay. If
31:58
Speaker 1: you get caught up in the battle, you choke, You choke,
32:01
Speaker 1: you get frustrated, and you worked up, and then you
32:03
Speaker 1: can't enjoy your day. So and then you end up
32:06
Speaker 1: being no better than them. That's not what we're here for.
32:08
Speaker 1: You're definitely better than that shit. You are better than
32:10
Speaker 1: that shit. That is all for today's episode. Guys, thank
32:14
Speaker 1: you so much for tuning in. I hope this is
32:16
Speaker 1: like lit that rocket under your anus and you are
32:20
Speaker 1: ready to have this interaction with this person. You feel empowered,
32:23
Speaker 1: you don't feel scared, you don't feel intimidated. You're like,
32:25
Speaker 1: I've got my shit under control, Thank you very much.
32:29
Speaker 1: Now I can sit across you at the table or
32:31
Speaker 1: across whatever, and I've like mentally prepped myself to have
32:34
Speaker 1: to deal with someone like you. Okay, love you guys
32:36
Speaker 1: so much as always remember be kind to your brain,
32:39
Speaker 1: be kind to yourselves, be kind to your brain. Don't
32:41
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
32:44
Speaker 1: Don't get the