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How can I manage grief related guilt? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: How can I manage grief-related guilt?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: When a loved one has passed, we're faced with not just a straightforward sadness, but other predominant emotions surface.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And the two most common ones are anger and guilt.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And we will focus on guilt in this podcast.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: So guilt is actually a protective part of us.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: It can either guide our moral behaviour and help us to learn about how to be around people, or it can be disproportionate and destructive, leading us to ruminate and punish ourselves.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: In grief work, I frequently hear I should have been there more, I wish I could have told them that, or I said the wrong thing, I wish I hadn't said that.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now these self-judgments can become more rooted, deep-rooted, and can complicate and prolong the grieving process.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Self-compassion is the key to challenging these thoughts and to get to a place of self-forgiveness.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And to do this, you can sort of own your own actions without excessive self-criticism or self-punishment.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can understand the motivations you had at the time and the context, the situation you were in at the time.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe, yes, you can learn from mistakes so you can not repeat the same things in your current connections.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of focusing, so as well as this process, it's important to focus on where you were there for those people, so your loved ones, so reflecting on your acts of kindness, the difference you made to them, your presence in their lives, you know, the fun and the joyful memories shared.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's really important to not forget.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I also encourage you to allow yourself to feel angry if you had a complicated relationship with a deceased.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, they weren't there for you or they behaved badly.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: You've always got to ask yourself: was the situation within your control?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are you taking on responsibility for things that were beyond your influence?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you do feel you need to apologize, or in fact, if you feel like you've got lots to say, I do encourage you to write a letter to the deceased.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: So whether it's an apology or telling them how you felt, even if it's an angry outburst.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's just releasing it, giving it to them.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, guilt can be detrimental, but it does have a purpose.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But acceptance and self-forgiveness are the ideal outcomes when you move past the guilt.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: There are no words from others that can take guilt away usually, or only temporarily it does that.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: But like grief, guilt is a process you should aim to move through and not get stuck in.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: The first number I'm going to give you if you need more support to talk to someone about this is cruise bereavement support around loss.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Their national helpline is 0808-808-1677, or you can call the Samaritans if you're struggling with big feelings at any time of day or night on 116-123.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So please do take care, practice self-compassion, and seek support if you need to.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.