Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #683 I'm Bored Mum!

Transcript

#683 I'm Bored Mum! · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Now, okay, I have two words for you, missus Happy Families.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Two words, and I would like your reaction to them.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: This unscripted. I have no idea what you're going to
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: say when I say these two words. Are you ready?
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Uh huh?
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: You know every parent will have heard those words more
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: times than they want. But it's so funny. Literally, just
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: the other day, Emily came to me and said, Mom,
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: can I watch the TV? And we have to hide
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: the remote or else The TV is on twenty four
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: to seven, and so I didn't actually answer her. I
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: closed the door to my bedroom so I can go
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: and collect it. And when I returned, literally thirty seconds later,
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: instead of her being there frustrated, she'd actually picked up
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: a book and she was sitting there reading. And had
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: I have been just a second smarter, a second faster,
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: I actually wouldn't have given her the remote. She didn't
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  Speaker 2: need it. Yeah, but just like us, our kids go
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: for the quick fix, so when they're bored, there isn't
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: in their mind, there isn't a quick fix, and they
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: want they want instant gratification. But if we can just
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: extend them a little bit, more times than not, they
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: find something that is so much more gratifying to actually
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: participate in than what they're asking for or what they're
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  Speaker 2: suggesting they can't have if we just give them the
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  Speaker 2: time to work it out.
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  Speaker 1: So I've got a couple of things to say about that.
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  Speaker 1: The first thing is I've found when the kids come
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  Speaker 1: to me and say that on board and I start
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: to give them a list of things that they could do,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: you know what I wouldn't do that, that's right. I'm like, well,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: hang on, you're telling me that you're bored, and I've
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: just given you six options, six alternatives, six things that
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: you could do, and you don't do any of them,
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: so you're obviously not that bored. Like it drives me
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: up the wall. But what they're really saying is I'm
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: bored and I know what I want. I want. I
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: don't know the TV, the TV, I want games, I
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: want whatever it might be. And when we don't give
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: them that thing that they want, it's.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Just like I'm hungry. That nothing healthy is is what
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: they want. They just want the sugary drink.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm agree. We'll go
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: and have a piece of fruit, go and have a carrot.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: And they're like, I'm like, well, you're not hungry, So
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: funny you say that. The other thought that I had
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: was that, And I want to kind of be gentle
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: with what I say here. It's not our job as
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: parents to solve our children's boredom problems.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Well, if we continue to do that, then they find
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: themselves in a position where they don't actually know how
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  Speaker 2: to self regulate, how to self soothe, how to work
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: things out for themselves.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: How to solve their boredom problems. Yeah, that's exactly right.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 1: I want to be with this though, because every now
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: and again we actually do have some responsibility in terms
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: of what they're doing. Like, it's important we give them
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: an environment where there are options, where they have some
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: capacity to choose activities that are enriching. Otherwise they will
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: just sit in front of the TV. So they do
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: they own a bicycle? Is it safe for them to
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: ride down the street or go to the park. Do
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: we have toys and games and books? Do we have
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: a puppy? Do we have a backyard, a trampoline, a
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: swing set? Like, what do we have that will facilitate
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: some kind of play? Do they have neighbors or cousins
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: or somebody that they can play with. I think that
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: as parents, we do have. While it's up to the
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: kids to ultimately work out what they're going to do,
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: we've got to make sure that they're not in an
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  Speaker 1: impoverished environment where there's nothing to do except stare at
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: a screen.
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  Speaker 2: So my best friend growing up, she lived behind me,
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  Speaker 2: and there was no fence between our houses, so we
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: could just walk between our properties and what was so
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: much fun. I lived on a flat block, but she
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: lived below me, so when it was wet, it would
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: get very mossy and we'd end up sliding down the
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: hill to get to each other's to see each other,
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  Speaker 2: and it was just so there was so much more
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  Speaker 2: to do at her house. It felt her house was
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: set up to have fun and her parents had actually that.
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  Speaker 2: The dining table was just a small dining table in
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  Speaker 2: a very small room, But next to the dining table
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  Speaker 2: was this cupboard. It was completely full of art supplies
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  Speaker 2: and so most afternoons, after score, I would go down
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  Speaker 2: to Sarah's house and we would sit at the dining
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  Speaker 2: table had windows that looked out onto the street, and
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  Speaker 2: we would just create. It was no thought that we
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  Speaker 2: could be bored because the cupboard was there and we
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  Speaker 2: had access to all the sticky tape we could want,
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  Speaker 2: the staples, the cardboard, the recycling materials, colored paper, create
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  Speaker 2: paper pom poms. It was just all there and it
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  Speaker 2: was one of my favorite memories are with my best
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: friend at her kitchen table.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad they shared that that's beautiful. I'm going
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: to add as well, I think that younger kids do
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  Speaker 1: need more assistance than older kids. Like I said before,
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: it's not our job to solve our kids brought and problems.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: But the younger child, the more supervision that they do need,
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  Speaker 1: and the more the more we do have a level
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  Speaker 1: of responsibility to assist them when they're saying, I'm stark
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  Speaker 1: on board, I've got nothing to do.
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  Speaker 2: So one of the best things that I learned through
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  Speaker 2: my childcare training was not having everything out at once.
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  Speaker 2: You know, so you'll have a selection of toys, but
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  Speaker 2: rotate them, put some away so that when they come
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  Speaker 2: out they're fresh because they haven't seen them for a month.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: You know, Emily loves Lego, but she goes through phases
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  Speaker 2: with it. So when she's had enough of it and
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: we're not seeing her play with it, I actually just
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: put it away and then it will come out three
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  Speaker 2: four months later and it's like she's never seen Wiko before.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: There's a renewed energy around it. So with your younger kids,
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: you know, a great way to kind of help with
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: that process is just put two or three different activities
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: out for them that they can choose to play with
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  Speaker 2: that you're not dictating what they play with, but they're
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: available to them. If things are put away in boxes
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  Speaker 2: and you know behind closed doors, kids don't see them.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah that's right. They don't open it up and say, oh,
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  Speaker 1: let me explore all the way back here.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: But just like you and I, if you open up
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  Speaker 2: a cupboard and there's so much in there, there's almost
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: a sense of overwhelming you don't know what to choose.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: So for our younger kids, giving them a few options
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  Speaker 2: that are available and out is going to be a
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  Speaker 2: huge winner.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to share two other ideas that are
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: important I think for this conversation. Then we need to
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  Speaker 1: wrap it up The first is that there's a belief
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: that's often promoted on Instagram and the mummy blogs and
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: that sort of thing that we should let our kids
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  Speaker 1: be bored. It's good for them. If they're bored, they'll
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: become creative. You see.
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  Speaker 2: I don't agree with that.
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  Speaker 1: No, Well, the research doesn't support it either. There's limited,
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: if any, research that really supports that idea. It's kind
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: of become this popsych myth that's exploded and everyone's like, oh, yeah,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: let the kids be bored. What happens when the kids
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  Speaker 1: are bored?
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  Speaker 2: I think what they're actually trying to say is let
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: your children have autonomy and the choices they make, but
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  Speaker 2: to actually revel in their bordness, that.
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  Speaker 1: Bored We can have boredness if you want.
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  Speaker 2: Is where we end with the flower all over the kitchen, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: you sare? Or lipstick all over the walls.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah. It's great if the kids have got some unstructured
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  Speaker 1: time in the appropriate environment, in an enriching environment. But
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  Speaker 1: what data actually shows is that boredom, especially when boredom
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  Speaker 1: is long lasting and continual, it's associated with depression, it's
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: associated with anxieties, it's associated with It's true that the
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: kids might become creative, but they've become creative in a
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  Speaker 1: whole lot of ways that you don't want them to
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  Speaker 1: become creative. They actually or in.
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  Speaker 2: Some ways, I feel like they become lifeless.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's exactly right, because life feels hopeless.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so there's no light in their day because nothing,
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: there's nothing to be excited about. There's nothing that actually
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: creates a sense of curiosity.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: Exactly exactly. So boredom is generally not actually good for kids,
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  Speaker 1: unless it's a facilitated kind of boredom. That I mean,
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  Speaker 1: when the kids come to us and they say I'm bored,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: we'll say, well, how can we help you with that?
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  Speaker 1: That's really I think the best response, how can we
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  Speaker 1: help you with that? Or what option can you think of?
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  Speaker 1: But the last thing that I want to highlight is
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  Speaker 1: if the kids are bored, it's amazing how good it
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  Speaker 1: feels to get involved. It's amazing how good it feels
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  Speaker 1: to say, you know what, let me stop what I'm
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  Speaker 1: doing and let's hang out. Let's do that thing. What
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  Speaker 1: would you like to do together? You feel good, they
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: feel good, everyone feels connected. It's just really really great.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: Well, I've actually never thought about it and literally until
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: you said that. But when our kids come to us
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  Speaker 2: and say they're bored, is that maybe not a bit
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: for connection?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah it could be. Yeah, I like that. I'd not
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  Speaker 1: a thought of it either. I'm saying it without even
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  Speaker 1: realizing that I'm saying it. So we hope that if
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: the school holidays as they move ever so slowly and
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: warmly towards an end, creating a bit of I'm bored,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: hopefully a few of the things we've talked about today
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: will be helpful for you. Tomorrow, we're going to have
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: a conversation about routine. Why well, if you're in Queensland,
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: the school holidays are officially finished for Queenslanders next week.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: I guess it depends on whether you've got your kids
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: in a public or a private school as to what
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: day they head back, and there's only one week to
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: go for the Act New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, WA,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: THENT and Tazzy. So we're going to talk routines tomorrow
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: on the podcast. We'll see you then. It's The Happy
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Family's podcast summer series.