Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #747 When You're Not Needed Anymore

Transcript

#747 When You're Not Needed Anymore · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Family's podcast Richard Marx q pac No kids,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Well you and me go to a rich Marx concert,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: my honey.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: At least I get to do it next year.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: You know how at the start of the podcast, Jr.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Always puts the best part of the podcast right there
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: that I think is a big quote. If he doesn't
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: do it, he didn't think it was as good as
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you and I did. And now here's the stars of
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: our show, my mum and dad. Hello, this is doctor
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families dot com dot you.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: I've been such a good mood today because it's Friday.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: But do you know what I'm really excited about, Kylie?
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: I think I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well that's because
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: you heard me cuing a few things up and getting
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: ready here on on YouTube. Right. So when you say,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: what what do we what?
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: A I I'm being dragged along to a concert night?
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: So are we going to a concert tonight? I'm so
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: excited we go to a concert? And how excited are you?
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Concerts aren't really my thing?
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Oh? Come on, but what about this song? Do you remember?
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Do you remember when we were dating? I'm sure I
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: must have sung this to you you remember this song?
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: Remember?
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So, folks, we are going to see Richard Marx
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: tonight at Q Pak Boom.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Remember this.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: It's going to be so great. I cannot wait. This
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: is what parenting is all about, having a night off
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: from the kids. Soep, you are going to get into trouble.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Tickets dim cost you half as much as Billy Joel.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: We're going to be hearing great songs like this. Remember,
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Richard Marx is amazing, big hair a great stuff. You're
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: my favorite song of all the Richard Marks songs. Though,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: tell me, I have a guess. Can you remember the
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: what do you think would be the best one? I
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: love right here waiting great stuff. You're not You're not guessing.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: You're looking at me like you don't know any of
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: your songs, so you can't possibly guess about this one.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: This one. I'm sad. I love this one Hazard and
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: you know what I love about this song? You just
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: don't know what happened? I know was what's so devastating?
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: I mean, he's he's singing this song and he sounds
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: like such a nice guy. But was he a creep?
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Or is he just the scapegoat? Did something bad happen.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited tonight. I'm so palmed. This is like
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: a I get to relive my mid to late adolescents,
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: early adolescents. I can't even remember what years it was,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: but Richard Marx Q pack no kids.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: Well you and me baby to a Richard Mark's concept.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: My honey, at least I get to do it next
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: to you.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: That might be the line of the day. I think
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: that that needs to be our A big quote. Like
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: you know how at the start of the podcast, Jr.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Always puts the best part of the podcast right there
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: that I think is he's if he doesn't do it,
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: he didn't think it was as good as you and
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I did as well as I did anyway. Hey, so
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: that's that's enough personal news for now. We've got some
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: more big news. We're going to talk more about this
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: next week. But we have a daughter who's about to
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: leave home, like literally leave home and move as far
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: away about it you can.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: We've got three more sleeps.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, other side of the world. Do a number two.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: She's about to fly the nest.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: Well, she might be doing a number two, but we've
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: not had a child do something this speak.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: Well, I first thought it got married at nineteen that
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: was pretty big. But this one, yes, but she lived
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: ten minutes away from this one at the age of twenty,
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: is flying to England for eighteen months. So we'll talk all.
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: Just put this into perspective because I'm really a little
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: bit nervous. She's got to get on a plane here
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: in Marucci door and fly to Sydney. But from Sydney
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: she then has to go to the international airport or
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: by herself and get on a flight to go to Katar. Yeah,
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: and once she's in Qatar, she then has to find
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: herself on another airplane to get all the way to Manchester.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: It's so exciting, so exciting, I'm not.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: Sure she's going to even make it. I'm really nervous.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Well today for Alder, but it's tomorrow. I want to
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: talk about that daughter and the experiences that we've had.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: And I had a wake up call. I guess I
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: had this eye opening moment on Sunday. So for those
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: of you who have missed the news, our daughter is
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: going to spend eighteen months as a missionary for our
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: church in the United Kingdom and doing all sorts of
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: missionary work and service work. And I think it's going
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: to be such a good thing. One of the challenges
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: that you have as a parent as your kids grow
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: up is it's really hard to see them as anything
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: other than your kid, the one who fights with their
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: sisters or brothers and has a big sook when the
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: dishes need to be done, or mind you, this daughter
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: is really good with the dishes. But I'm just using
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: these as examples. We see this child as the obstinate one,
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: or the one who doesn't know how to take anything
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: seriously or can't possibly take everything. Yeah, I can't possibly
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: live without our oversight and our guidance. And that's kind
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: of I mean, she's my little girl. She might be
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: our second daughter, and she's definitely an adult. She's been working,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: and over the last couple of years, Kylie, I've found
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: that I have underestimated her with the very best of intention.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Multiple times. I've seen what she's done as she's finished school,
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: got through school really well, and then done the things
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: that she's done since school. And now she's doing this,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: and she's blown me away. Every time I've paused and
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: taken a good look at Holy smakes, look at this kid.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Go on Sunday in our church congregation. She was asked
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: to stand up and address I don't know, two hundred
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: and fifty three hundred people for fifteen minutes. She was
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: asked to give a fifteen minute talk about her preparations
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: and things that she holds really dear. And she spent
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: some time on Saturday morning putting some thoughts together, and
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: I asked her she needed a hand. She said, no,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: I've got it, and I was thinking, hang on, I'm
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: the professional speaker here, like you need my help, but
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: I didn't push. She said I've got it, and I said, okay, well,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: let's just hope that she doesn't crash and burn. She
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: stood up in front of that congregation and spoke for
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: fifteen sixteen minutes and was extraordinary. And I'm not saying
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: that as a completely subjective, emotionally involved father. I'm pretty impartial,
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: pretty disinclined to give praise to people who give talks,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: because it's really rare to find somebody who will give
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: a great talk. She did such a great job that
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: when she finished, I thought to myself, I think she
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: just gave the perfect talk. Like there is literally nothing
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: that I want to say to her about what she
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: could have done better. She just did such a great job.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: And I told her that. I just said, I'm not
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: into praise. I'm not into making you feel good just
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: because i'm your dad and I'm supposed to you know
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: that I'll tell you if I liked it and if
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: I didn't like it, And I just said, I can't
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: think of anything you could have done better. That was
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: absolutely brilliant. And again I just sat there, Kylie, and
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: I thought, so often we think to ourselves about our kids.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Are they not ready or I haven't prepared them well enough,
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: or this or that, or oh, my goodness, I hope
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: they're not going to go out there and make a
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: full of themselves or are full of me, or any
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: of those things. And I am concerned that she can't cook.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I am concerned that she's not going to do the
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: washing the right way or all of those adult things
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: that you just But she can learn those once she's
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: out there, once she living life.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: There's nothing like real life experience. Yeah, yeah, to teach
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: us the things that we need to learn at the
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: right time.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: I was just so blown away. I was so blown
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: away by this kid, and for all of the ups
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: and downs of parenting and all of the times where
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I think, oh my goodness, I might be a parenting expert.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I'm done. This is so hard. I'm sick of the kids.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: I want to have some time away. This was just outstanding,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: And that's my old do Better tomorrow. Just I guess
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: we have to keep on doing what we're doing because
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: it's working out. Okay. We just don't see it when
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: we're in the moment, But when we see the kids
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: in a different context, when they're not being our kids,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: when they're being people in society, when they're at a
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: friend's house, or when they're at school, when they're down
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: at the park or whatever it is, that's when we
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: get to see who they really are. Not when they're
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: in the living room and they're squabbling with their sister
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: about who ate somebody's last piece of chocolate. That's not
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: what really shows who they are. It's the stuff they're
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: doing out there. And I just feel so grateful. What's
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: your old do better tomorrow? As we get all set
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: for our concert tonight.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: Well, in contrast to that, I've had a pretty tough week.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: I've been physically unwell for much of the week.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: And you're coming off the back of me having a
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: couple of lousy weeks. Do you know how I got
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: over my lousy couple of weeks? Two things. First of all,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: you treated me like there was nothing wrong. That made
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: a huge difference. And secondly, after two weeks of languishing
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: and just thinking, heck, I'm a well being expert, I'm
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: a parenting expert. I'm supposed to know how this works.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: I just decided that I was going to pretend that
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: everything was fine, and by pretending, actually suddenly got better.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: So fake it till you make it.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, kind of yeah, faked. That's not clinical psychological advice.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: There's a lot more work that needs to be done
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: for people who are dealing with depression and anxiety and
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: so on, but sometimes that's actually all you need. Just
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: fake it till you make it. I bounced back like
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: I came good in in phenomenal ways because I faked
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: it till I made it. Even in relation to a
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: couple of bigger issues and a couple of big relationships,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: I just pretended they were fine and they actually became fine.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Like they're not perfect, there's still stuff, but they're fine. Anyway,
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I cut you off. So you've had a tough tough week,
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: and you've been sick for a few days, which makes
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: it worse.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: And so the mood kind of for me has shifted,
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: and I was feeling quite low, and then the lead
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: up to Sunday was feeling pretty depleted emotionally and physically,
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: and I ended up calling my dad and asking him
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: to pop over and just spend some time with me.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: And when you say you called your dad and us
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: then to pop over, he lives an hour and forty
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: minutes away with your mum. I like that they lived together,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: but your mum wasn't well enough to come, so your
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: dad just jumped in the car and said, sure, I'll
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: come and spend an hour and forty minutes with you.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: He did, well, I'll drive for an hour and forty
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: minutes so that I can spend some time with you.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: And so because of the timing of his day, we
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: actually attended church together and you know, relished in the
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: opportunity to see our daughter just blossom, really blossom. Yeah,
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: it was. It was interesting because their oldest sister actually
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: looked at me that afternoon and she said, did I
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: actually just literally witness Abby grow up today? She was
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: personally blown away at who was standing in front of
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: her and the things that she shared and just the
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: confidence that her challenges have actually given her. Yeah, and
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: it was really beautiful to witness. So coming off the
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: back of that and still feeling quite low and just
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: really needing to be with my dad, I sat with
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: him for a little bit of time and kind of
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: offloaded would be the best words. Just had a big
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: cry and this.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Is what has been like being married justin.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: But I just I pose the question is it really
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: worth it? Like I feel like I have given the
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: very best of everything I am and everything I'm capable
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: of doing and being, and yet the kids still fight
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: like crazy and the bickering is just intense, and their
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: unwillingness to help when I need it, and the list
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: is just a mile long. And I just had got
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: to the point where I kind of felt, you know what,
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: I actually don't want to carry this anymore. It just
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: feels too heavy. And the interesting thing is, over the years,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: as I've spent many hours with my dad is it's
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: not usually anything he says. It's just that I feel
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: enveloped in love in those moments. And as I watched
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: him start to process, I recognize that there was actually
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: two things going on for him in that moment. He
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: was trying to process my pain while he actually relived
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: his own as a parent. To be a parent means
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: that you pretty much wear your heart on the outside
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: all the time, and it has the potential to break
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: a million times over so many different ways and for
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: so many different reasons.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: But to just know that, well.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: My dad couldn't fix it, he could love me and
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: he could understand, and he could sit with me in
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: that space was such a gift. And so I guess
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: the take home for me is remembering that my relationship
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: with my dad has never been perfect. It has been
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: fraught with challenge, and there have been emptying fights over
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: the years, and you know, disharmony and discord and real
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: honest challenge. But when the going gets tough, he's my
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: safe harbor. He's the place that I want to go
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: because I know that the turbulence seeds can't reach me
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: in that space. And if he can do that for
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: me in spite of all of my weakness with my
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: own children, hopefully I can be that person for them. Now.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: They think they're big kids and they're capable of doing
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: life on their own and that's what they're supposed to
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: be doing. But there will come a time where the
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: seas will get too much and if they only know that, well,
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: I can't fix it that they can come home to
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: a place of love that I think I've succeeded as
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: a parent.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: That's my takeover, Kylie. I really love that that story,
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: and I'm grateful they shared it. It also reminds me
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: of all the times where I get it wrong, where
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: I'm not the cool dad, where I'm not the patient dad,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: where I'm anything but, and it's a great reminder for
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: how we can be better. The Happy Family's podcast is
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: our executive producer. Hey, we really hope that you have
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: a great weekend. We are definitely going to have a
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: great weekend because Richard Marx tonight. I can't wait for that,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: and I'm hoping that tomorrow we're not going to be
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: so tired that we can't be great parents for the weekend.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Have a great weekend, everyone, Thanks so much for listening
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: to Happy Family's podcast. If you would like more information
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: about how to make your family happier, you can find
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: it all at happy families dot com, dot a you