Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #426 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#426 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now, I love Fridays.
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  Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of a
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  Speaker 3: bunch of books.
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  Speaker 1: About how to make your family happier.
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  Speaker 3: I'm here today with Kate Mead, who has joined me
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  Speaker 3: for a week of podcast fun. Kate, thanks for joining
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  Speaker 3: me for the final time this week.
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  Speaker 1: This has been such a treat to have you.
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  Speaker 2: Oh it's been fabulous and a happy Friday. And don't worry,
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  Speaker 2: beautiful Kylie will be back again on Monday.
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  Speaker 4: So programming as normal.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right now.
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  Speaker 3: And I mean, it's been really great to be with you,
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  Speaker 3: but I am looking forward to being with my wife again.
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  Speaker 2: I think it's I'm not offended by that at all.
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  Speaker 1: So glad, but this has been such a great week.
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  Speaker 3: I think that as we go through this move and
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  Speaker 3: make the transition to our new home, and I don't know,
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  Speaker 3: I mean, if Kylie's ever sick, or maybe if I'm sick,
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  Speaker 3: and maybe I'm going to catch COVID one day and
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  Speaker 3: we'll need a replacement, maybe you can do the Happy
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  Speaker 3: Families podcast with Kylie. I'm nervous about that thought, so Kate.
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  Speaker 3: Every Friday on the Happy Families podcast, we do this
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  Speaker 3: thing called I'll Do Better Tomorrow. The idea is that
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  Speaker 3: we reflect on the week that was and we consider
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  Speaker 3: what we've done well or maybe what we haven't. It's
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  Speaker 3: about being intentional and reflective and thinking, how can I
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  Speaker 3: learn from this week and my involvement with my family
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  Speaker 3: this week to make tomorrow or next week better. It's
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  Speaker 3: our favorite segment, and I'd love to know is there
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  Speaker 3: anything that really strikes you about what you could do
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  Speaker 3: better tomorrow based on either what you nailed this week
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  Speaker 3: or perhaps what you didn't get quite so right?
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  Speaker 2: Well, this one, for me is something that I think
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  Speaker 2: I'm still processing in that I guess it's about thinking
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  Speaker 2: about what can I do so I don't get to
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  Speaker 2: this point again. But this summer holidays seems to have
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  Speaker 2: had some challenges in the meadhousehold. We've had a child
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  Speaker 2: to positive with CLOVID. There's been the isolation that goes
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  Speaker 2: with it. There's been events on and off and not
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  Speaker 2: being able to catch up with family. That's my Victorian experience.
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  Speaker 2: But this week, justin I had to have a mumcation
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  Speaker 2: you've heard about a mumble case.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm an advocate of having a mum get away,
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  Speaker 3: a mumcation, whatever you want to call it. I think
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  Speaker 3: I think that we downplay or underplay the incredible mental load,
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  Speaker 3: not to mention the physical load that mums carry in homes.
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  Speaker 3: Research tells us really clearly that they carry an enormous,
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  Speaker 3: enormously disproportionate load in most homes. Even if we're not
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  Speaker 3: following the traditional patterns of division of labor, mums do
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  Speaker 3: tend to carry the cognitive load. So tell me about
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  Speaker 3: your mumcation.
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  Speaker 2: I booked a little hotel in Melbourne, ordered the big
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  Speaker 2: bed with the room with the view, and I got
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  Speaker 2: their early and I read a book and then I
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  Speaker 2: had a nap, and then I had a bath, and
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  Speaker 2: then I hopped back in the bed and I put
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  Speaker 2: the TV and then I turned the TV off because
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  Speaker 2: it was you know, who needs a TV on?
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  Speaker 4: And it was just peace.
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  Speaker 2: And if I reflect on this week of sharing with
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  Speaker 2: you and discussing all things families, you know, on episode
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  Speaker 2: one or which was Monday, I'd said to you, we've
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  Speaker 2: got a big family change coming up.
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  Speaker 4: I'm about to leave.
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  Speaker 2: The home situation essentially in Victoria and moved to Sydney
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  Speaker 2: where I'll be doing the communing backwards and forwards. And
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  Speaker 2: that's been a big decision, and.
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  Speaker 1: So there was all this guilt.
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  Speaker 4: So not only am I about to.
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  Speaker 3: Leave, Yeah, you're going to have a full time modcation,
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  Speaker 3: right Yeah, yeah, nice work, Kate.
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  Speaker 1: You're doing very well here. Yeah, but yeah, no judgment.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I come back happier, I come back rested, and
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  Speaker 2: I come back ready to face whatever the family needs.
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  Speaker 4: Again. I guess it was turned out to be pretty unimportant.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, And I think so.
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  Speaker 3: Last year Kylie went away for I think it was
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  Speaker 3: well for seven days and literally she was at a
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  Speaker 3: health retreat on the Gold Coast and had seven days
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  Speaker 3: with not even any phone reception, not even any Wi Fi,
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  Speaker 3: just seven days to completely yoga and stretch and walk
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  Speaker 3: and sleep and eat food.
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  Speaker 4: She went to Paradise.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah, it's actually again hashtag not sponsored.
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  Speaker 1: It's called Eden. Literally, it's called Eden Health Resort.
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  Speaker 3: And she came back and just was like, oh, I
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  Speaker 3: feel so real, like like reconnected and just I feel
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  Speaker 3: like me again.
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  Speaker 1: It was so important. So I think that I think
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  Speaker 1: that you should be.
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  Speaker 3: Able to do that maybe you're not going to do
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  Speaker 3: it every single week, and it's probably not practical for
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  Speaker 3: parents to be able to do that, whether their mums
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  Speaker 3: or dads.
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  Speaker 1: But I I.
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  Speaker 3: Think that it's really important that we don't make a
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  Speaker 3: big deal of that and that we don't feel guilt
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  Speaker 3: around that. On One of the things with self care
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  Speaker 3: that I talk about all the time, and that overwhelm
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  Speaker 3: is that quite often you'll you'll you'll take that time
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  Speaker 3: out for yourself, but the whole time you're gone, you're thinking, oh, gee,
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  Speaker 3: I feel so bad that I'm here and I know
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  Speaker 3: everyone's under so much pressure. And when I get back,
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  Speaker 3: I've got to do X and Y and Z as
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  Speaker 3: well as A B, C, D, F, G, HI, J
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  Speaker 3: and K. And you don't actually get to onwine. You
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  Speaker 3: don't get to have that restfulness. But it sounds like
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  Speaker 3: you you might have really dialed that in. You might've
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  Speaker 3: really nailed that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I just can't escape the guilt. If I could
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  Speaker 2: get past the guilt, bitch things so I can understand it,
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  Speaker 2: I can nod and verbally tell you on a podcast. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: if I could just organize that with my heart, that
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  Speaker 2: would be much better.
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  Speaker 3: That's all yeah, So I'm going to I'm going to
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  Speaker 3: give a little bit of doctor justin advice to every
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  Speaker 3: partner of a mom who needs.
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  Speaker 1: To get away.
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  Speaker 3: And this is the point where as a partner, and
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  Speaker 3: I'm sure Tank would have done this for you, but
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  Speaker 3: if he didn't, he needs to hear it. This is
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  Speaker 3: a bit where you say, I want you to know
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  Speaker 3: that while you're gone, we're so excited for you. We've
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  Speaker 3: got it covered. We're not we're doing for dinner. We
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  Speaker 3: know that tomorrow morning's routine is already scheduled, and I've
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  Speaker 3: I've got the headspace for it. And even if in
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  Speaker 3: my case, even if I said, even if I knew
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  Speaker 3: in my heart, I didn't have the headspace for Kylie
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  Speaker 3: to go away, my job is to say, you go,
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  Speaker 3: I've absolutely got this.
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  Speaker 1: And you don't need to worry about a thing. You
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  Speaker 1: don't need to feel guilty.
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  Speaker 3: In fact, while you're there, why don't you all your
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  Speaker 3: favorite thing on the menu as well? Just really just
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  Speaker 3: do what you need to do. And when you've got
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  Speaker 3: a partner who can say no need for guilt, I've
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  Speaker 3: got this, I reckon I make a huge difference. So
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  Speaker 3: I'm really glad you shared that one, thank you, and
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  Speaker 3: I hope that inspires a whole lot of parents to
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  Speaker 3: try it. It's also nice to do a polls get
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  Speaker 3: away every so often, just putting it.
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  Speaker 2: Out of there, one of those but yes, please yeah,
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  Speaker 2: So Kylie.
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  Speaker 3: And I we need to get to the break and
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  Speaker 3: do mine in a sec But Kylie and I have
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  Speaker 3: at least a quarterly get away as a couple, and
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  Speaker 3: we have found that what it does for our relationship
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  Speaker 3: is unspeakably amazing and just so critically important. So great
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  Speaker 3: to do it for yourself, great to do it as
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  Speaker 3: a couple. Not everybody can work out how to make
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  Speaker 3: their calendar's.
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  Speaker 1: Work to do it all.
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  Speaker 3: But Jim makes a difference after the break, the things
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  Speaker 3: that I got right or wrong, I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 4: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 7:40
  Speaker 4: a happy family doesn't just happen.
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  Speaker 3: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast. The podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now with Justin and Kate.
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  Speaker 3: So I'll do better tomorrow is were we reflect on
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  Speaker 3: how we're doing or what we can do better, and
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  Speaker 3: you've shared an absolute ripper, Kate, I'm going to go
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  Speaker 3: in the other direction. During the week, I've been talking
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  Speaker 3: a couple of times about how my family's in the
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  Speaker 3: midst of a relocation, and Kylie and the kids have
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  Speaker 3: actually been here a bit and gone a bit, and
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  Speaker 3: I've been in charge of kind of getting the house
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  Speaker 3: ready for sale and doing a whole lot of packing
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  Speaker 3: and getting stuff out of the house so the house
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  Speaker 3: looks good so that we can sell it, because we
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  Speaker 3: couldn't possibly sell it the way it was looking before,
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  Speaker 3: all the before we got rid of all the stuff.
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  Speaker 3: And this is frustrating, and it's one of those things
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  Speaker 3: that as a parent you just I don't know if
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  Speaker 3: there's actually an answer, but I've found myself, and I
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  Speaker 3: hinted at this in yesterday's episode, I found myself consistently
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  Speaker 3: saying to the kids, not now, can't you see that
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  Speaker 3: I'm busy. I'm not necessarily using those exact words. I'm
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  Speaker 3: certainly softer and more gentle with the kids, but essentially
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  Speaker 3: the message that they're getting is Dad hasn't got time.
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  Speaker 3: Everything else matters more because I'm packing or I'm cleaning,
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  Speaker 3: or I'm trying to get some work done because I
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  Speaker 3: actually have a business to run as well, and these
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  Speaker 3: kids are on holidays and they're bored and they're frustrated,
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  Speaker 3: and all their toys have been taken away from them
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  Speaker 3: because they've gone into boxes so that we can make
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  Speaker 3: the house look good, and they're kind of just sitting
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  Speaker 3: there on their hands, going, this is the worst. And
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  Speaker 3: then they'll go to Kylie, can I watch some TV?
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  Speaker 3: And Kylie say, well, there's nothing else for you to do, okay,
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  Speaker 3: And then I'll walk into the house and say, I
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  Speaker 3: can't believe these kids are on screens.
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  Speaker 2: Again, and around, round and round and around she go frustrating.
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  Speaker 3: And as I've been reflecting on it, I don't know
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  Speaker 3: if there's actually an answer because and maybe this is
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  Speaker 3: maybe this is helpful for someone, and this is why
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  Speaker 3: I wanted to share it. Sometimes and you want to
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  Speaker 3: make sure that it's not chronic. You want to make
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  Speaker 3: sure that it's not all the time. But sometimes there's
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  Speaker 3: simply nothing that you can do. The house has to
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  Speaker 3: be packed, the house has to be cleaned. The kids
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  Speaker 3: are on holidays. They can either help or they can
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  Speaker 3: watch TV or be bored, and they actually can't have me,
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  Speaker 3: and I can't have them, and it's breaking my heart.
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  Speaker 3: And I know that it's breaking them because I've I
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  Speaker 3: heard them murmur and mumble and complain either to me
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  Speaker 3: or to Kylie about it, And I think when it
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  Speaker 3: comes to I'll do better tomorrow. Sometimes the purpose of
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  Speaker 3: this segment is to say, here's my reflection and here's
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  Speaker 3: what I'll do differently. But the reality is I don't
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  Speaker 3: know what I'll do differently. I don't know that there
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  Speaker 3: is something I can do differently.
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  Speaker 4: Do you say this to the kids? Have you said
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  Speaker 4: that to the kids in this situation?
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  Speaker 2: Like moving house is one of the most stressful things
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  Speaker 2: that we will go through as a family, Like this
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  Speaker 2: will be one of those big moments, remember when we moved.
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  Speaker 4: Do you tell them about that, like you talking to
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  Speaker 4: them through that.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, that's probably a very silly question for me
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  Speaker 2: to ask, but you're kind of the I can't fix
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  Speaker 2: this right now.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So the correct answer to that. Cape Mead Radio
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: announces Slash Radio producer Slash newfound parenting expert is no
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: the parenting expert on this podcast actually hasn't because the
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  Speaker 3: parenting expert on this podcast has been so damn busy
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  Speaker 3: packing boxes that he hasn't taken a breath to sit
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  Speaker 3: down and say, hey, kid, oh, and know it's really hard,
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  Speaker 3: And it's really funny that you say that, because on reflection,
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  Speaker 3: I'm so caught up in all the stuff that I've
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  Speaker 3: got to do that. And Kylie may have done this
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  Speaker 3: because she's had a lot more time with the kids,
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  Speaker 3: but I haven't actually sat with the kids and said,
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  Speaker 3: and it's hard because I'm not available, and I know
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  Speaker 3: that I've got my head in a million places. But
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  Speaker 3: it's probably pretty hard for you too, isn't it. You
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  Speaker 3: want to tell me about how sad you are that
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  Speaker 3: we're leaving behind the home that we've loved, or we're
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  Speaker 3: leaving behind the dog that we buried in the yard
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  Speaker 3: that we all loved so much, or we're leaving behind
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  Speaker 3: our friends, or do you know what I mean?
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  Speaker 1: Like, I mean, this is therapy FORMU Kate. You're doing
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  Speaker 1: a great job.
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  Speaker 4: We get so busy, though, don't we in the doing?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so my i'll do better tomorrow is probably I
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  Speaker 3: need to pause a little bit, stop being so busy,
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  Speaker 3: but also acknowledge that sometimes we are so busy and
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  Speaker 3: sometimes there is just that much to do that there's
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  Speaker 3: not much.
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  Speaker 1: We can do.
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  Speaker 3: But you've asked that question unscripted and reminded and reminded
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  Speaker 3: me that sometimes we actually do just need to pause.
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  Speaker 3: Even if we can't do anything, just pausing and listening
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  Speaker 3: is often enough. So that's why I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it was perfect if you asked me and Justin,
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  Speaker 2: well I have you, And to Kylie, thank you for
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  Speaker 2: a fabulous week. My gosh, it's been good fun and
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  Speaker 2: has me reflecting on my family and my situation.
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  Speaker 4: And yeah, it's just been a wonderful week. So thank you.
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  Speaker 1: Well, it's been great to have you.
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  Speaker 3: I think that anyone who's listened to the podcast this
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  Speaker 3: week would agree that you've amply filled the role of
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  Speaker 3: Happy Family's co host with Kylie being away in a
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  Speaker 3: wonderful way.
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  Speaker 1: And if the need arises again, we'd be glad to
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  Speaker 1: have you.
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  Speaker 4: Back and I would be honored. Thank you, Justin, Hey.
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  Speaker 1: Have a great weekend, Kate and everyone have a wonderful weekend.
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  Speaker 3: I hope you do get to spend some really high
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  Speaker 3: quality time with your family over the weekend, and that
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  Speaker 3: you're not doing what I'm doing and packing furniture removal
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  Speaker 3: boxes in and day out of the Happy Families podcast,
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  Speaker 3: theres Always is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
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  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd like more
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: andful about making your family happier, please visit happyfamilies dot
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: com dot au