Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 32: What Women Actually Need in Divorce, and It’s Not More Advice

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Ep 32: What Women Actually Need in Divorce, and It’s Not More Advice · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

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welcome to the magic divorce club podcast this is your space to
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successfully
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navigate your divorce with confidence and create a roadmap to
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the life of your
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dreams i'm your host hannah harvey i'm the author of how to
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divorce sober and i
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have helped thousands of women to process the trauma of divorce
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and step into an
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SPEAKER_01: exciting future
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please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
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podcast to grow and
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if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
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magicdivorceclub.substack.com
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for a host of other support tools hello and welcome to this
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week's Magic Divorce
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SPEAKER_01: Club podcast
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SPEAKER_01: Today I would love to talk to you about the fact that,
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SPEAKER_01: I can't believe it,
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SPEAKER_01: the Magic Divorce Club is coming up to its first birthday.
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It was about this time last year that the idea was sort of born
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in my head and it
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SPEAKER_01: started out as a kind of course.
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I thought it was just going to be a course and then it has
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developed into this
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SPEAKER_01: beautiful community.
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SPEAKER_01: That feels pretty wild and
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SPEAKER_01: I feel like I have learned so much just from having this space.
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There's so much about what women actually need in divorce
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because obviously what I
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SPEAKER_01: need is different to what you're going to need.
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Everybody's divorce is so wildly different and yet there are
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these moments where
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SPEAKER_01: everything aligns and it is the same.
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There were so many pieces where it's like you may have
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different triggers but the
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SPEAKER_01: way your body responds is the same and I have learned so much about this.
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It's been a real education in what really matters when you're a
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mum who has had
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SPEAKER_01: their world turned upside down.
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SPEAKER_01: So I wanted to share a little bit more about that and I've got kind of
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5 things that I've learned about what really matters in divorce
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so I'll share that
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but I also wanted to let you know that in order to celebrate
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the fact that Magic
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Divorce Club is a year I have created something next week which
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is going to be
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completely free and it's really expanding on what to do when
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you're just feeling
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SPEAKER_01: like your divorce is too much
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SPEAKER_01: Too many words, too many triggers, too much uncertainty.
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I'm going to help you next week really tap into what you can do
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about that.
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SPEAKER_01: So I'll talk to you more about that towards the end.
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But first of all,
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what I have noticed,
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and it's quite tricky this one because obviously as I'm
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SPEAKER_01: creating things for the Magic Divorce Club.
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I need to keep this very much at the front and forefront of my
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idea creation and
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SPEAKER_01: that is we don't need more information when we're going through divorce.
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You guys are probably drowning in words from solicitors,
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advice from friends,
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your own
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Brain overthinking every single thing so you don't necessarily
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need more information from me.
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SPEAKER_01: A lot of the time what is needed is steadiness,
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SPEAKER_01: a place where we can help your body to feel safer in this because
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you're basically on high alert at all times the body's bracing
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and you don't feel
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safe because everything's so uncertain and when that happens it
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stops you being
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able to access the part of your brain that thinks the clearest
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so we have three
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SPEAKER_01: levels in our brains
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and when the bottom level is in charge it stops you accessing
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the part of the brain
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that does really good thinking and can take on the advice it's
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being given and
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decipher whether it's what they want to do rather than being
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reactive all the time
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because when we're reactive when we're reactive that's when we
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make decisions that
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later on we're like why the hell did I do that it's because the
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body's just trying
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SPEAKER_01: to get safe
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I also think that we women are incredibly good at holding it
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all together in public
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so good at masking so good at pretending everything's fine but
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privately completely
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falling apart struggling to function on like when we're alone
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kind of thing
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What I am seeing is that the women in this group are so good at
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holding it together
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SPEAKER_01: for everybody else.
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And yet,
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when we're left to our own devices,
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it's like,
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who's holding it together for you?
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And that's when we maybe self-sabotage or just generally fall
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apart and have a bit
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SPEAKER_01: of a breakdown
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so that's been an interesting observation to go god we really
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do put ourselves
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through the mill in this just trying to keep it together for
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our kids for everyone
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else and we're sort of at the very bottom of the pile the other
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thing I've noticed
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is that what seems to hurt most is not often the big milestones
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you know in the
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SPEAKER_01: legal side or
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um working out the finances it's often the little moments
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they're like paper cuts
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that over time become a big wound it's the text messages
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constant contact with the
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ex that are unpleasant that are shaming that make you feel like
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shit about yourself
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SPEAKER_01: that make you doubt yourself it's
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the transition moments from having your kids full time to then
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maybe not seeing
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them for a few days and having to do a handover it's the super
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long emails either
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from your ex or from your solicitor it's that moment again to
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do with handovers
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SPEAKER_01: you're suddenly on your own at night
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and it's just too quiet or your brain won't shut the hell up
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because it keeps
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thinking over what you want to reply to your ex or what you did
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say and regret and
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just it's like being inside a washing machine inside your head
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it's all those
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moments that have the biggest impact on your overall well-being
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as you go through
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SPEAKER_01: divorce
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SPEAKER_01: I've also learnt that support needs to be practical.
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Not another demand on your time,
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not another thing to add to the to-do list.
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We don't need some kind of giant self-help or self-development,
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homework mountain.
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SPEAKER_01: We need the next step.
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what's the next thing I need to do not all the things because
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when you look at
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divorce as a whole it's just one big overwhelming dump of stuff
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and it's impossible
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when you've especially when your body's like not feeling safe
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to decipher what's
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the next thing I need to do like today like that's where
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support is at its best
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because it's practical and it stops your body and your mind
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feeling like you're a
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failure you just go okay I can do the next thing and then you
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do it and that slowly
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but surely builds your self-esteem and the big thing that I've
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noticed over this
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year is that feeling held feeling within you know within a
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community where you're
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SPEAKER_01: not on your own and that feeling supported that changes everything
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SPEAKER_01: Not because it's going to fix your divorce or change how your ex behaves,
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SPEAKER_01: but it helps you come back to yourself much quicker.
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SPEAKER_01: And that's what counts here.
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SPEAKER_01: When you're feeling self-doubt,
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SPEAKER_01: when you're feeling empty and alone,
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SPEAKER_01: being able to come back to yourself and to say,
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SPEAKER_01: I'm not going to abandon you,
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SPEAKER_01: that changes everything.
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SPEAKER_01: That changes how you feel
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on a day to day basis that changes the way you show up for your
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kids the way you
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show up for yourself for your friends for your family actually
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wanting to go and be
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part of life again when you know so much of it is just wanting
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to be a hermit and
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hide away and not have to see anyone but if you can come back
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to yourself and not
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SPEAKER_01: abandon yourself anymore it opens the door to a whole world out there
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beyond your divorce and what I thought would be lovely here is
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that I've been
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chatting with Laura who's been in the Magic Divorce Club she's
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been a one-to-one
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client and taken part in one of my courses I asked her a few
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questions this week to
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get a bit of feedback about how things were for her and what's
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changed now and I
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SPEAKER_01: thought it'd be really helpful here to show you what she's experienced
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SPEAKER_01: So in this clip I'm about to share,
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I have just asked Laura exactly what has changed in the way
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that she now responds
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SPEAKER_01: to messages or when triggers land and this is what she said.
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SPEAKER_00: That has also massively changed.
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SPEAKER_00: I can't remember the last time I sent an essay back.
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SPEAKER_00: One of the last things for me to really embed into
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what I do is realizing that I actually don't even have to
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respond sometimes and
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that took a little while for me to understand because the
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people pleaser in me felt
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like I was being rude but sometimes the skills that you sort of
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taught me make me
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realize actually that what he's saying isn't necessarily asking
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for a response so
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it's viewing things through a different lens not feeling like I
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have to justify
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SPEAKER_00: myself all the time and over explain keeping things really brief
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and whereas you know a year ago I would have felt like all of
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that would have been
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a reflection of me being rude of me potentially being
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controlling and manipulative
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and all those horrible things that I don't believe about myself
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at all but I'm I
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was fearful that other people would think that that's what I
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was doing now I've got
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the physical evidence and proof in my emotions and in my body
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that how calm it is
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SPEAKER_00: that actually
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it's protection so this is the thing that I didn't understand
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before how important
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it is to protect your energy so because I've experienced that
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now I've got the
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evidence to to know that that actually is the right path and
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that sometimes um well
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always you just need to prioritize your energy and decide where
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it needs to be
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going so that is what I mean when I say this work is practical
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it's not about
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SPEAKER_01: becoming calm just for the sake of it
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it's about having enough steadiness to protect your energy and
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choose what actually
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needs your attention so thank you so much to Laura for sharing
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that and like I say
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next week to celebrate the fact that we've turned one it's
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evolved over the year
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I've learned so much I've created something for you guys to say
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thank you for being
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SPEAKER_01: here it's completely free it's for women
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like you like me who find divorce keeps knocking them off
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center feels like it's
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too much there's too many words too many texts too many paper
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cuts turning into
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something that just feels incredibly painful and part one goes
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live on Monday so do
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SPEAKER_01: be sure to make sure you're on um you know the Magic Divorce Club
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list make sure you're subscribed and you will get all of that
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completely for free
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there are three parts so this is like my best stuff I'm just
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sharing it with you to
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say thank you for being here and finally what I would really
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love you to do after
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you've listened to this podcast is to get in touch like how
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long have you been here
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SPEAKER_01: what have you found helpful I would love to hear from you
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and if you've been here you know a year or just a few months
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and you've never been
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in touch get in touch I'm here I'm just here in my house
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waiting to see how I can
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help you and I'd love to know what is the moment in divorce
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that knocks you off
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center you may have listened to what I've said today you may
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have listened to what
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Laura said and gone no that's not me so tell me I need to know
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so that I can help
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SPEAKER_01: even more
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and when you feel triggered when you feel knocked off centre
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what happens what
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happens to your body to your mind and what do you think would
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help you most in
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those moments so just hit reply to the email or you can send me
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an email hannah at
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hannahharvey.uk and just say I heard your podcast this is
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what's going on for me
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SPEAKER_01: you do not need to be in a good space to get in touch
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you know just tell me what's going on I'm here I want to I mean
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I'm here whether
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you get in touch or not but I want you to know that you are
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welcome here and I am
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always so grateful to hear from you to hear what's coming up
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for you and I respond
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to everyone so please just get in touch I'd love to know what's
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going on for you so
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SPEAKER_01: that
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I can keep improving what the Magic Divorce Club is doing okay
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thank you so much
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SPEAKER_01: and I'll see you next week
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Thank you so much for listening and if you could subscribe and
15:39
leave a review that
15:40
SPEAKER_01: would be amazing for all of your tips and tools head over to
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magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find everything that
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you need there
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SPEAKER_01: you've got this and I've got you