Latest / Messy Minded Mama / Episode 20 - Finding Your Mom Village

Transcript

Episode 20 - Finding Your Mom Village · Messy Minded Mama

0:12
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Messy Minded Mama, a podcast for moms who look managed but might feel a bit messy on the inside.
0:18
SPEAKER_01: I'm Kate.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: And I'm Jen.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: And we are here creating space for real talk about motherhood, mental health, and the invisible load so many women carry.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: Hi everyone, welcome back to Messy Minded Mama.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm Jen and I'm so glad to be here today.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is gonna be just a little different because you have just me behind the mic, but I am joined by a special guest.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm here with Alyssa.
0:43
SPEAKER_00: Hi Alyssa.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: Hi.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: Today we're gonna be talking about real moms, real stories, part of our series we've been sharing with you guys for a while now.
0:51
SPEAKER_00: And this is really just the space where we want to create honest conversations about motherhood being beautiful, messy, sometimes unexpected, and just really dive into some good stuff today.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: So today Alyssa is here sharing her journey of motherhood, how loneliness has shaped your experience after becoming first-time mom, and how intentionally building a community really transformed your experience, maybe the second time around, or maybe somewhere in the middle.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: So happy to dive into that and just learn more about how building a village has really been helpful to you.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: So let's dive in, shall we?
1:29
SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so thanks so much for being here.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: I would love for you just to kick us off by telling us a little bit about yourself, tell our listeners about you and your sweet family.
1:38
SPEAKER_02: All right, well, my name is Alyssa.
1:40
SPEAKER_02: Um, I have two kiddos.
1:43
SPEAKER_02: Bennett, she's four.
1:44
SPEAKER_02: We call her Benny, and Russell, he's uh we call him Rusty or Russ.
1:49
SPEAKER_02: We're still figuring out because he's just nine months.
1:51
SPEAKER_02: Okay, yeah, and we're just living in Highlands Ranch and yeah, building a community and just trying to get out of the house and play.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: I love that.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: So a local mom not far from me.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: So I love that we're here in person together, being able to record.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: Me too.
2:06
SPEAKER_02: This is great.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, good.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: So today we're really just gonna dive into again kind of the concept of village and how building it and having it can actually really change experience and motherhood.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: So let's maybe go back to wherever you want to start, but kind of that time being first-time mom, and what really surprised you about that, and what was that journey like for you?
2:30
SPEAKER_02: So I was a teacher, and then um, once our daughter was born, we knew that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.
2:36
SPEAKER_02: Okay, and um, which was great, and what was awesome is she was born in April, and so all my friends were on summer break.
2:44
SPEAKER_02: And so she was a newborn, and I had all my friends around, all my teacher friends, and then um we had the summer, and then once school hit and they all went back to school, I was like, oh god, like oh no, I did not plan for this at all.
2:56
SPEAKER_02: So I definitely think that I had some postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression that I just was kind of getting through.
3:03
SPEAKER_02: Like I thought that like this is just how it is, and you know, it's hard, having a newborn's hard.
3:07
SPEAKER_02: And my husband was had to go back to work pretty quickly, and so I tried to get out of the house as much as I could, but like I said, once all my friends went back to work and I was a stay-at-home mom, I know that I did not know how lonely it would be.
3:20
SPEAKER_02: Sure.
3:20
SPEAKER_02: And I like got stuck in the house a lot, okay, and I didn't know how to get out of the house, and that's just kind of my personality too.
3:27
SPEAKER_02: Like, once I like get into this mood, I need help getting pulled out of it, or else I get like really lonely and depressed.
3:34
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and like just getting out of the house was really hard.
3:37
SPEAKER_02: And then, you know, it's everyone's at work, and now I'm a stay-at-home mom and I've got this baby, and it's a baby, so like you know, there's like library story hour you can go to, but I felt like really uncomfortable to bring like a tiny blob of a person and try and connect with moms, or like I tried like going to the park or the playground, but when you just have a newborn, it's really hard to meet other mom friends, and I did not.
3:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I just like I had no one, and I had no one to talk to, and my family we were in Texas at the time, okay, and my family's in Colorado, so I didn't even have that outlet, so I just felt like okay, my family's very alone, yeah, yes, and I didn't feel alone before, so like I think it's just like that shift into motherhood that like you literally change, like so much changes, and my identity changed so much too.
4:22
SPEAKER_02: Like, even being a teacher, I was Mrs.
4:25
SPEAKER_02: Cook, and then I was a stay-at-home mom, and I went from Alyssa, you know, Mrs.
4:29
SPEAKER_02: Cook to just mom and alone, and that got that was really hard.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: Well, what a shock to your system, too.
4:35
SPEAKER_00: I feel like after you have a baby and then you were surrounded by like such good friends and like community in the very beginning, and then come fall, it was like everyone kind of disappears and back into their routine.
4:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I was like, I did not plan for this at all.
4:49
SPEAKER_02: I kind of felt like community would just like happen naturally.
4:51
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm a mom, I'm a part of the group, I'm part of the club, but you have to like find your people.
4:57
SPEAKER_02: I had like I had friends that had kids too, like uh me and my girlfriend had kids, they were a day apart, but she went back to work, she went back into the classroom.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: So we had very different experiences.
5:06
SPEAKER_02: She's a working mom dealing with daycare and those things, and I was a stay-at-home mom trying to figure out.
5:11
SPEAKER_02: And my husband worked a lot, so I'm like alone alone.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: Long days, long days, work day hours.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
5:18
SPEAKER_02: Yes, yeah.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I can't.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: I hear you talk about just this deprivation, I think, is what I'm hearing.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: Like at the end of the day, I think we talk a lot about or prepare ourselves maybe for like sleep deprivation and what that can look like, and what, and we're like, okay, I know I'm gonna be tired, I know I'm gonna be exhausted.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: But what you're talking about is social deprivation, and you saying, if I don't get out of the house, I'm not me, right?
5:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm not feeling like myself, I'm not feeling like the best version that I want to be in those moments.
5:44
SPEAKER_02: You needed that social outlet, yeah, and like having a job, right?
5:48
SPEAKER_02: That was something that I had to get out of the house every day.
5:51
SPEAKER_02: And I had was so close with my teacher friends and like even the kids at the school, like, all right, I had to be there at seven.
5:56
SPEAKER_02: I'm you know, that got me out of the house, and then once I was in that environment, I'm like, oh, this is good, and then I could be myself and talk to people and be social.
6:04
SPEAKER_02: And then when I didn't have that thing that was pulling me out, I got really trapped and really stuck and lonely and sad, and then that depression kind of like spirals, and then it's hard to climb out of, really.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely.
6:17
SPEAKER_00: And I appreciate just your openness and sharing the anxiety and depression.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: I think so many people go through that, and in the moments you might not even know what you're experiencing, right?
6:26
SPEAKER_00: But it feels different, it feels like that spiral, like you said, like something is off, and I need to figure out a way to get myself pulled out of it.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm curious as you think about maybe feeling lonely or feeling like you talk about identity, like feeling like you're losing pieces of yourself.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: Like, what did that actually look like for you when you thought, I'm not me?
6:47
SPEAKER_00: Like, how did you realize that?
6:49
SPEAKER_02: When I'm out and around people, I'm like bubbly and like talkative, and just I've got like I felt like more like a spark, and I just was finding myself just not feeling okay good.
6:58
SPEAKER_02: Like, and I'm just gone.
7:00
SPEAKER_02: The spark was gone.
7:00
SPEAKER_02: And then and then again, it's like, oh no, this is normal, but like it shouldn't.
7:04
SPEAKER_02: It is probably normal, but it's still not okay.
7:07
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and like there's points like I remember I'm sitting on the floor like in the living room, and just on you know, with my baby, and I'm like, this sucks.
7:15
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm it's the middle of the day on like a Tuesday, and I'm just crying and I don't know what to do.
7:20
SPEAKER_02: And it's you know, get out of the house, go for a walk.
7:22
SPEAKER_02: Well, we're in Texas, and where am I supposed to walk to?
7:25
SPEAKER_02: And she's clingy, and the thought of just putting on shoes and getting out of the house felt like a huge challenge.
7:33
SPEAKER_02: On top of that was the sleep deprivation and just bake newborn baby stuff.
7:38
SPEAKER_02: Totally, yeah, yeah, yeah.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: And when you don't have someone like right there with you, yeah, pulling you out, right?
7:44
SPEAKER_00: Right, and I hear you talk about your friends like a day apart and having your children, but very different journeys.
7:50
SPEAKER_02: Definitely, and she was, yeah, they were wonderful, and they were always a text away, which was good, but then that even becomes anxious.
7:56
SPEAKER_02: Like, I do that, I'll get I'll get like kind of anxious, and I kind of go into like myself, and that's something I learned through that process too.
8:02
SPEAKER_02: It's like, you know what?
8:03
SPEAKER_02: Actually, like if you guys don't hear from me, and my friends now are like really good about it, like they were like even texting me earlier today, and like it was nice to know that that that's who I am, okay.
8:13
SPEAKER_02: And I might just need a text, or like I might need someone to be like, hey, why don't you come out?
8:17
SPEAKER_02: Hey, where were you today?
8:19
SPEAKER_02: And that having that accountability and like accepting that in myself, telling my friends that this is how I am, and like just a thing I might need helped a lot too.
8:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, just a little nudge in like the right direction, especially when you are talking about the depression piece of it.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: I think then that does feel really isolating, and then it feels even harder to get back out there because it's like, well, I'm just in it, right?
8:40
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: So I think what a vulnerable thing to share, but what a positive thing for you to be able to share to say it just give me that nudge, give me that little push, hold me accountable if you're not hearing from me, because that's probably what I need the most in those times.
8:54
SPEAKER_02: That was a hard thing to like see and understand about myself too, because it felt like a failure.
8:59
SPEAKER_02: Like, no, it's not a failure.
9:00
SPEAKER_02: This is just something that I might need, and then part of that finding like community and finding your friends are like the people that I don't have to feel anxious about telling that to, or like they've got me, like that's totally fine.
9:11
SPEAKER_02: Like, hey, if this is happening, like I'm sorry, I'm gonna I'm gonna try and pull out of it, and they're like, girl, we got you.
9:17
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'll text you, I'll see how you're doing.
9:18
SPEAKER_02: We'll make sure that you come out and do this thing with us, or we're gonna come to you.
9:22
SPEAKER_02: Like, I've had friends, you know, just come over, and that was anxious for me too now.
9:28
SPEAKER_02: But I love it when you know they knock on the door and like, okay, I needed to see you.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, you're right, thank you.
9:33
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah, yeah.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: I've been seeing so much lately about even just 12-minute conversation with like a good friend or someone that is that safe space where you can truly just like say whatever you need to, get whatever off your chest, and 12 minutes isn't that long.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: It's like answer the door, right?
9:47
SPEAKER_00: Go on that walk, do something for the 12 minutes because you do leave feeling so much better.
9:52
SPEAKER_02: I always feel so much better.
9:54
SPEAKER_02: Like, once I got getting out of the house, like getting dressed and doing the thing feels like such a chore, even like now, but I just like nope, this is what we're doing, and we get out of the house, and then once I'm there and once I leave, it's exactly what I needed.
10:06
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: So maybe you've touched on this, but I'm curious as you think about like reflecting back on that journey, that time of your life.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: What do you you wish someone had told you, or what was the most helpful thing, maybe that you I I really wish like women need women, and like mothers need mothers.
10:24
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm gonna get a little bit choked up because it like and like in you know, you don't know until you're you don't know what you don't know.
10:30
SPEAKER_02: And you plan, you know, for motherhood.
10:33
SPEAKER_02: Like I said, you get the nursery ready.
10:35
SPEAKER_02: We didn't even like barely even use the nursery.
10:37
SPEAKER_02: You get the clothes, you get the diapers, you get, you know, okay.
10:39
SPEAKER_02: I even had like a postpartum cart, sure.
10:41
SPEAKER_02: And then, you know, maybe some meal plans, whatever, things like that.
10:45
SPEAKER_02: But like you really need someone, like I wish I I wish I would have known how badly I would have needed that community, yeah, or even just like one other mother, or like just one other person that just like literally understands, and just a safe place.
10:59
SPEAKER_02: So I wish I would have known that part of it, and and then just how lonely motherhood can be, and stay-home moms too, like you're like, and that just shift into it.
11:11
SPEAKER_02: Like, I love it, it's the best thing I've ever done.
11:12
SPEAKER_02: I'm so happy to be doing it.
11:14
SPEAKER_02: I didn't realize how hard being a stay-at-home mom would be and how lonely it is, and how much you like need to get out of the house.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, with kids, without kids, whatever.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: Like, you need it all, right?
11:25
SPEAKER_00: You need that escape to be able to say, like, okay, there are other pieces here outside of this beautiful home that we're like raising these kids in and have, right?
11:33
SPEAKER_00: You need more than just that.
11:34
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: Well, and you're so right, we build it, we build the nursery.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: We spend all this, all the excitement kind of takes over to do these things that like we maybe we think like we should do that are gonna actually help us through it, and then it's like, okay, well, no, like you said, we barely use the nursery.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: We had an adorable nursery, but no one even really saw it.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: Maybe, right?
11:54
SPEAKER_00: Like we were just like living our best life in my room, whatever we've done.
11:58
SPEAKER_02: That's it, yeah, right?
11:59
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
11:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but then I'm like slowly unraveling, and I'm like, okay, well, you know, it just but again, you don't know what you don't know, and that that's why the first time around, like when we got pregnant this, I'm like, I can't do that again.
12:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like I need people, like I need to do this differently.
12:14
SPEAKER_02: I need to be, you know, around my family, first of all, and then I need to build that community up.
12:18
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, find my people.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: So let's go there and let's talk about how everything changed for you kind of the second time around.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: So I'm getting like these glimpses of what led to you prioritizing it.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: Tell me more, tell me more of what really went into that second time around and saying I'm gonna do things differently or I'm gonna do things better maybe for yourself.
12:39
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
12:40
SPEAKER_02: We wanted to move back to Colorado.
12:41
SPEAKER_02: I want to be closer.
12:42
SPEAKER_02: I met my husband here, we just wanted to be in Colorado again, and then I so I knew coming here and like we need to make friends because my daughter was turning two at the time, and I wanted her to have friends, we need to meet people, we're in a new state.
12:55
SPEAKER_02: So that was first of like first and foremost, we gotta get out and meet people because I don't want to be lonely.
13:00
SPEAKER_02: I can't sit at home alone.
13:02
SPEAKER_02: And we did move here to be with family, and I love them.
13:04
SPEAKER_02: I've got a sister, we moved here with her, and so we hung out all with them like for the few first like few months.
13:10
SPEAKER_02: We hung out um with them a lot, but I just I just wanted friends, you know, and I wanted my daughter to have friends her age, yeah.
13:17
SPEAKER_02: So like I Googled like mom groups, I think, and just started like looking around.
13:22
SPEAKER_02: And then when we got pregnant again, I was like, yeah, definitely, because I know postpartum can be a dark place that I need that.
13:30
SPEAKER_02: I I don't just need like cute play date friends, I need my people, you know.
13:34
SPEAKER_02: So that's where I found Fit for Mom, and like Fit for Mom like really helped me there.
13:38
SPEAKER_02: Starting out, we kind of did.
13:40
SPEAKER_02: I found like uh mom, what is it called?
13:42
SPEAKER_02: Moms Club Highlands Ranch.
13:43
SPEAKER_02: Okay, they're awesome, love them.
13:45
SPEAKER_02: We did some play dates with them.
13:46
SPEAKER_02: I did like the mom walks, and which is kind of funny, like it was weird like googling like mom groups, like because then like I don't know, and I didn't even know that mom walk was a thing.
13:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and that's yeah, and like when I found out, and then once you kind of start like down that rabbit hole, you start to see all things that there are and like opportunities to go like meet other moms, but that's also a thing.
14:08
SPEAKER_02: I think like there's groups out there, you just have to like find them, and once you do, it's great.
14:13
SPEAKER_02: So we found that, and then yeah, like I found I actually did a little bit of Fit for Mom back in Texas, like right before we left.
14:19
SPEAKER_02: So I already knew that it was like a thing, and it's like wonderful because you can bring your kid with you, and um, so I knew that was an option when we moved out here.
14:27
SPEAKER_02: So I started looking at the fit for moms in our area, and I like I go to Southwest Denver, and that one worked out because they do the prenatal class.
14:35
SPEAKER_02: So I got to yeah, so I was pregnant and I got to be around other pregnant mamas, and I like Fit for Mom because I was an athlete growing up.
14:43
SPEAKER_02: I like a team, I like to move my body, it's just good for my brain, and so that's why I knew this was gonna work.
14:48
SPEAKER_02: So, like, I'm like, okay, something for me and something for my daughter, and then potentially like other kids.
14:54
SPEAKER_02: So I don't know, I just started Googling and like literally testing out groups, which was weird.
14:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and like, you know what I mean?
15:02
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm proud of myself a little bit because old Alyssa, I just want to fit in and get along with everybody, and so I would find a group and then try and like you know, just try and like mold in with them.
15:11
SPEAKER_02: And this time I was like, I need to find like my actual people.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: So there were some groups very intentional effort on their part of like this is I know what I'm looking for, I know what I'm after, I know what I need here, and now I'm gonna set on this journey to go find it.
15:24
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
15:24
SPEAKER_02: I had to be very intentional about it because you know, I really wanted to find our people here.
15:29
SPEAKER_02: I wanted to like really dig our roots in here, yeah, and just yeah, shopping around.
15:34
SPEAKER_02: It sounds like that, and like these other groups were really wonderful.
15:36
SPEAKER_02: It's just like, oh, I found my people, and then especially like pregnant, yeah, being around the other pregnant moms, it was it was amazing, and like they're my best friends now.
15:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, and how cool that there's something offered that you can do that while you're pregnant, right?
15:49
SPEAKER_02: So you already had your daughter, but you're pregnant again, yes, and you're looking to build that community, and something was like right in front of you that you could do that, and I loved it because I got to work out, I got to bring my daughter, so then that wasn't I didn't have to leave her or anything, and then there's play dates and then mom side outs, and so just like I think that's what helped is I just kept forcing myself to go to these things and like forcing myself to like find the right people, and then once I did find those people, it was forcing myself to continue.
16:18
SPEAKER_02: Sure, and like it does that make sense, kind of like totally, yeah, yeah.
16:22
SPEAKER_00: Well, and I hear I think the realness in what you said about shopping around, yeah, because it's so true.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: It's I think as a therapist, oh yeah, I tell people all the time that I'm meeting with like this needs to be the right fit.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: You have to feel like this is your space that you want to be, and we'll keep coming back, right?
16:37
SPEAKER_00: And that's actually gonna help you at the end of the day.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: Like I feel so passionate about that, and what you're describing is no different.
16:43
SPEAKER_00: It is you were after something that you knew what you needed, and it has to be the right fit for it to be successful for you.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: Right.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: For you to feel like, okay, now I have my I have my people, I have my crew that I can lean into as much as I need to as I'm going through this.
16:57
SPEAKER_00: So I think it sounds funny to say that, like use that term out loud, but it's you did it for yourself, and I think that's an important message to share with everyone listening today of it is okay to be picky in these situations.
17:10
SPEAKER_00: It is okay to do what you did and give it and test things out and make sure that it is truly what you're looking for.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: Because hearing you talk about it, I see you light up.
17:21
SPEAKER_00: Yes, it just paid off.
17:22
SPEAKER_02: Yes, it totally paid off, and it was really uncomfortable.
17:24
SPEAKER_02: It was so uncomfortable.
17:25
SPEAKER_02: Like I'd go to a play date and we'd be doing something, and I'm like, I'm just like standing around and like my daughter's having fun, but I'm like not vibing with the other moms, that's totally fine.
17:34
SPEAKER_02: But then, like, so then I would try another group, and then try another group, and then like I said, I found the fit for mom in Southwest Denver, and I've just like I'm like in love with them and they save my life.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I want to hear more about like the uncomfortable.
17:46
SPEAKER_00: So I want to hear was there a moment where you were like, I don't think I can go today, or I don't know if I can show up.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: Was there some of that fear in you that was I don't know what this is gonna be like and if I'm gonna connect?
17:58
SPEAKER_02: And oh, oh, totally, like that totally pulls me out of my comfort zone.
18:01
SPEAKER_02: Like, I don't want to get out of the house anyway.
18:03
SPEAKER_02: Yep, and now I have to get out of the house and put myself in a very uncomfortable position, and it may not work out.
18:08
SPEAKER_02: So, like, you know what I mean?
18:09
SPEAKER_02: Like, when I was like shopping around for the right fit, and and there were times that that did happen, and I would go and I'm like, this was really weird and uncomfortable, but we did it, and like I could do like a little mom check, like, well, at least my daughter got to play, at least we weren't inside all day.
18:23
SPEAKER_02: So it was still good for you to see.
18:25
SPEAKER_02: So good, and and then it was like, Well, okay, let's move on to the next one, move on to the next one.
18:29
SPEAKER_02: And then once I found like the people that I loved, then it became a little bit easier, and then I think that that helped was like, okay, I love going to Fit for Mom, I like doing the some of the mom walks, but like, okay, now that I know that I like doing Fit for Mom, let's make a plan and a schedule.
18:46
SPEAKER_02: We're gonna go every Monday, we're gonna go every Thursday, and then building up the community there and being like, hey, you know, just making sure we're all like it's like accountability, like and partners and like texting each other and making sure we get up and show up.
19:00
SPEAKER_02: And now, which is like fun for me because like looking back at like looking back then, there I would have never thought that I would be like getting up twice, three times, four times a week to like go work out with friends, and now it's like a part of my routine.
19:12
SPEAKER_02: Like I go every Monday, Thursday, like that's my routine, so it's kind of a fun shift too.
19:18
SPEAKER_02: And like I like going because I get to chat with my friends, I get to work out, my daughter gets to go play, they've become like her second mommies and her crew, and like it's it's awesome.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and your son's gonna get this too.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, and they're all the same.
19:33
SPEAKER_02: I know I keep focusing on her because she's four, but she's well yeah, yeah.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: She was the one that like got you into her right now.
19:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, totally, but it is fun because there's all of us, we all have the baby because we're all pregnant together, so now we all have the babies and they all get to grow up together, and it's like it's so fun watching them.
19:46
SPEAKER_02: Like, they'll sit because they can sit up and like some of them can crawl around and this play.
19:50
SPEAKER_02: And it's like these are yeah, this is your crew, like these are your little best friends too.
19:54
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and it just makes it nice, like it just makes I'm just happier.
19:58
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm just happier with them.
20:00
SPEAKER_02: It gives me like a purpose, and it's a purpose outside of just motherhood, it's a purpose of like Alyssa.
20:06
SPEAKER_02: It's something for you, yes, yeah, and it can fit into being a mom too, so I can do both, and it that was a hard thing to to find, you know, like okay, new identity, new situation.
20:16
SPEAKER_02: This is something I want, it's really hard.
20:18
SPEAKER_02: How can I make this work?
20:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and it just took finding friends, yeah, good friends.
20:23
SPEAKER_00: And I'm curious, how did you know that you were there?
20:27
SPEAKER_00: And then because again, going back to this, I'm testing some things out and finding where the right fit is.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: What was what did you finally feel, or what did that give you that you were like, okay, aha, this like I've landed where I'm supposed to be.
20:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think it was just the women I you know, you just get a good vibe when you're talking to people.
20:41
SPEAKER_02: Like my very first fit for mom, it was a fit for baby class, and it ended up being with Dana, who like she owns it, and it was just a one-on-one, which it could be uncomfortable.
20:51
SPEAKER_02: And I remember like walking in and she's like, Don't freak out, but it's me and you, and I was like, All right, and I just could like talk to her, and she like actually genuinely cared and listened, and I felt like okay, this is an awesome person, I want to keep coming.
21:02
SPEAKER_02: And then I would I go to the next class and I'm like meeting other these other women, and we're all just kind of I just can't slowly feel like my mask that you kind of put up.
21:10
SPEAKER_02: I could start like feel it slipping, and like, oh, you know what?
21:13
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna show up and be authentically myself because I promised myself I'd do that.
21:17
SPEAKER_02: And then as I was doing that, I was seeing like, oh, she they like me, like she likes me, we can have a conversation.
21:23
SPEAKER_02: I you know, sometimes the drive home I would be like, oh god, did I overshare like that whole like anxiety of it all?
21:30
SPEAKER_02: And then but but I still would show up, like, okay, that felt weird, but I would still show up, and then I keep being myself, and nothing bad happened, and like then it was like we became friends, and like the conversations became awesome, and then it was you know, I just felt safe.
21:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and then another like fun moment that was great.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: So they also I'm like trying to like plug all this different mom stuff, but it's like my life right now, so this is the community that yeah, you through a lot, yeah.
21:56
SPEAKER_02: It's it's like the best I love, I'm I love with them, but it's called Body Well.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: And it's like just a mom group, and that it focuses on food, nutrition, and then also mental health.
22:04
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
22:05
SPEAKER_02: And then after a workout, it's just a mom only.
22:07
SPEAKER_02: After workouts, we'll do meditations.
22:10
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
22:11
SPEAKER_02: And I think like it was my first body.
22:12
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna cry.
22:13
SPEAKER_02: I was very postpartum and I wanted to show for myself, like, you know, and I could still I could work out and stuff.
22:19
SPEAKER_02: And I remember sitting in this meditation, and like we all just like worked out together, and just I'm sitting with this group of women, and we're going through this meditation, and the energy in their room just felt like I'm sorry, I'm gonna cry.
22:30
SPEAKER_02: It just felt like so, like this is this is it.
22:33
SPEAKER_02: Like, I needed this.
22:34
SPEAKER_02: Like, there's something so special about women gathering, and something so special about mothers gathering.
22:40
SPEAKER_02: And like what worked for me is fitness, but like we all have we're all different, but we're all mothers, and we all had that like common, you know, we what got us there was that we want to work out, but what kept us there and like kept us vulnerable and open with each other is this motherhood journey, and that was something really special that like you know, I remember just like feeling this like intense, like I don't know, like this energy and like this is amazing.
23:04
SPEAKER_02: Like, these are my people.
23:05
SPEAKER_02: Like, I am myself, I feel good around these people.
23:08
SPEAKER_02: I can't wait to see them, and like I'm a better, happier mom because I'm taking care of my mental health, and that's something like I really needed, and yeah.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's such important things you're calling out.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: I think that like being authentically you, having this dedicated moments where you're like, I'm gonna show up as me, and then realizing they like me for me, right?
23:29
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's so empowering for you to then be able to be like, okay, I have found my place when you can actually show up authentically yourself and safety.
23:37
SPEAKER_00: You brought up it being a safe place.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: And I'm picturing like you guys doing this meditation in this room, and nothing probably would feel safer in those moments than being surrounded by a group that's doing it together, living it together, right?
23:50
SPEAKER_00: Like feeling all of that energy in that room.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure that was uh hearing you seeing you describe it for one and like hearing you talk about it.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: I can tell like how impactful a moment like that had been for you.
24:02
SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, thank you.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
24:06
SPEAKER_00: So you have given me like all this confidence if you have to build a village because I know we need we need it.
24:12
SPEAKER_02: I'm like trying that too.
24:13
SPEAKER_02: Like, we need a village, yeah.
24:15
SPEAKER_00: So I think to listeners out there, because I I relate so much to what you're talking about.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: I moved back to Colorado, same as you.
24:22
SPEAKER_00: Like my son was like eight months old, and your daughter was almost two, right?
24:25
SPEAKER_00: I think you said so trying to find that.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: And I didn't do the best job that you did of searching and looking for it.
24:31
SPEAKER_00: I had some friends here from before, and I had some things I kind of settled back into, but I could have done a better job.
24:37
SPEAKER_00: So wondering if you were kind of talking to listeners, talking to people that are like, I'm looking for this, or I think this would help me.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: What advice would you give a mom who really wants community but doesn't know where to start?
24:48
SPEAKER_02: There's like moms club everywhere, there's mom walks everywhere, there are fit for moms everywhere.
24:54
SPEAKER_02: So if that sounds like something you want, yeah, just like literally Google it.
24:58
SPEAKER_02: Or like find something, because that's like I like fitness, I like activity that worked for me.
25:03
SPEAKER_02: Like, find something that you're interested in, yeah, and then find the moms in that group too.
25:08
SPEAKER_02: Like, I mean, I've I'm sure like book clubs or like library, you know, crafting, I'm sure there's stuff because then then you can show up for just you and not just like a play date for just your kiddo.
25:18
SPEAKER_02: I think that helped me a lot.
25:20
SPEAKER_02: And then just go.
25:22
SPEAKER_02: Like, just do it, like just do it.
25:24
SPEAKER_02: This is coming from the most like anxious, girly, scared, didn't know how to like show up as myself.
25:30
SPEAKER_02: But the it's the I'm gonna cry again.
25:32
SPEAKER_02: That's the best thing I ever did for myself was just like just go and then just keep going.
25:36
SPEAKER_02: And then, but if like you find a place, find a group of moms or a group of community that doesn't fit you, that's okay.
25:45
SPEAKER_02: And then find the next one and the next one until something that clicks, and then when something clicks, sh keep showing up because eventually it will get to the point where you don't even have to like think about it.
25:55
SPEAKER_02: You can show up as you are, you can show up messy, you can show up in those moments, and then it becomes like second nature.
26:02
SPEAKER_02: Like I never thought I would be where I am today with this, but just do it, like just do it.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think like what a what an easy tip, right?
26:09
SPEAKER_00: Just to like lean into the things that you're interested in.
26:12
SPEAKER_00: Yes, to be able to say, like, okay, if I'm not the fitness person that's not what I want, then what are other things that can help me just get out there and go for it?
26:21
SPEAKER_00: And so I think such a good reminder of giving yourself the permission to like do it for you, find what connects well to you, and and go.
26:30
SPEAKER_00: And just go, give it a try.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: Because I always say, like, what do you have to lose?
26:34
SPEAKER_00: And that sounds cliche sometimes, but what do you have to lose?
26:37
SPEAKER_00: Like nothing.
26:38
SPEAKER_00: Put yourself out there and give it a try.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: And if it doesn't work and you don't want to go back, guess what?
26:43
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to go back, right?
26:44
SPEAKER_00: You can move on, yes.
26:46
SPEAKER_00: Um, and Kate and I always give permission to our listeners on the show, but like permission to be picky, permission to look around and find that right fit, I think is so important.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
26:56
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I love it.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what's one thing that you wish every mom knew about asking for help?
27:02
SPEAKER_02: Oh in my situation, sometimes I would be okay asking for help, but I would be in a spot where I don't know if I could help somebody.
27:11
SPEAKER_02: Like if you're in like a really vulnerable space and it's like I need help with something, but I don't know if I can give that back to you right now, I would feel guilty, so I wouldn't ask.
27:21
SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
27:22
SPEAKER_02: Like, you know, like I I need someone to show up for me today, but I don't have the capacity to show up for you.
27:27
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:27
SPEAKER_02: And so I would just so I would just shut down.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: So wouldn't ask it all, right?
27:30
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because I can't offer it to you, and I felt like it had to be this like give and take.
27:35
SPEAKER_02: And it can be like event, you know, you do have to be the villager in your village.
27:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but um, but like if you can't show up for someone right now because you're needing the help, then that's okay.
27:45
SPEAKER_02: So just find the per find your safe people, and it is it, and I know this is another cliche, it is okay to ask for help, but I think it's a cliche thing because it's so important, and we need to keep like telling ourselves that ask for help, ask for help.
28:00
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to ask for help and and releasing the guilt that comes with it.
28:03
SPEAKER_00: Like what I hear you talking about is like, oh well, if I can't give the state back right now, then it comes with like some guilt over like, well, then I maybe I shouldn't be asking.
28:10
SPEAKER_00: It's like, well, no, that's kind of the whole point, right?
28:12
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I need it now, and when they need it, then I'll have it.
28:15
SPEAKER_00: Give it if I can give it back.
28:16
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and so then you feel like you're constantly yeah, exactly.
28:18
SPEAKER_02: You feel like you're constantly drained because you're not getting asking to help, and then you can't help people, and then no one's winning.
28:23
SPEAKER_02: So ask for the help, take the help, fill your cup up, and then you can be there for other people too.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: I love this conversation.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: I think it's so helpful.
28:34
SPEAKER_00: Again, even like thinking about my journey in motherhood, like things that I wish I would have done a little bit more, and it's because the conversations aren't always there, right?
28:41
SPEAKER_00: Like we don't always know where to go to be able to find some of the supports we're looking for.
28:44
SPEAKER_00: We don't always know that we need it in the moments either.
28:46
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes it's just being really in tune with what do I need, and then being able to say, like, okay, now what are the next steps and making it simple, like break it down one step at a time, like one day at a time.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to all be done at once, right?
28:59
SPEAKER_00: Oh, right.
28:59
SPEAKER_00: It's a journey for sure.
29:00
SPEAKER_00: Yes, definitely is.
29:02
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I think maybe last question for you today is what's one small thing that a mom listening today could do this week to move just one step closer to finding her village.
29:15
SPEAKER_02: Go to the thing.
29:17
SPEAKER_02: Like, just go to the thing and like because like like I said for me, like the library wasn't my thing, but I I tried the library playgroups or I tried meeting people at the park.
29:26
SPEAKER_02: But if that's your thing, like the thing that you know that you'll do, just go and just just maybe just talk to one mom.
29:32
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like just go and just talk to one mom and have one little conversation, get one little phone number, get you know, maybe just text another mom this week and just be like, do you want to meet at the playground?
29:45
SPEAKER_02: And like, even if that's uncomfortable for you, pick up a coffee, meet them at the playground.
29:49
SPEAKER_02: I know that's another cliche thing or the pool right now or wherever, but if you're thinking about it, and even like your community could still be small, it could just be one other mom.
29:59
SPEAKER_02: Just make the connection, like go out of your comfort zone and just do your best to just connect with one person this week, and then it will build.
30:07
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:07
SPEAKER_00: And I think I mean that that does simplify it, right?
30:10
SPEAKER_00: When we think about not having to look for, I think when we say the word village, then we imagine the masses, right?
30:15
SPEAKER_00: We imagine it being huge, and the reality is you don't need it to be huge, you just need it to be right, you need it to be the good fit, you need it to be all the things we've been talking about today, and that doesn't mean that it needs to be massive and huge.
30:28
SPEAKER_00: So um taking that one step for that one person, and maybe it's a friend that you already have that you haven't connected with in a while, and it's just like sending that text message or placing that phone call, whatever it looks like.
30:38
SPEAKER_00: So I what I'm hearing and what you're describing is just trying really to simplify it.
30:43
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: For me right now, because my kids are five and seven, and it's like I've I've have since found my community and I love it, and it's growing every day, thanks to like you being here and all the people I've gotten a chance to meet.
30:54
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I do think there's times when I'm like, where are the moms today?
30:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:58
SPEAKER_00: Where are the moms of the five and seven-year-olds?
31:00
SPEAKER_00: And then if I put myself in that spot of thinking, where are they or where do I want to go, then it's like, okay, well, maybe I just go to the bounce house and then I just get to have a nice little chat with someone that I either know or don't know when I show up and my kids get a play and I feel better because I got out of the house and I'm connecting with others and doing all the things.
31:18
SPEAKER_02: So talk to someone and you never know like what that could come from.
31:21
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I need like a group of people, I needed like a consistent thing to go to.
31:24
SPEAKER_02: So if that's you, then like find your group.
31:27
SPEAKER_02: Like find that group and just show up.
31:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: I love it.
31:32
SPEAKER_00: I think people listening are gonna probably take those steps because you have simplified it and it's basically just breaking it down to go do that one thing.
31:41
SPEAKER_00: Just take that step that maybe you've thought about taking that you've been a little reluctant to take.
31:45
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
31:46
SPEAKER_00: So I think with all that, I want to thank you so much for being on and sharing your experience, being vulnerable with it, you know, telling us about your journey because it's not always easy to talk about this stuff, but hopefully um, it's helping you just to reflect on it and this amazing journey that you've been on in finding your village.
32:05
SPEAKER_00: But also, we always say on this podcast, if we can just like touch one person, right?
32:09
SPEAKER_00: And reach out to one person that might need the help, then it's all worth it.
32:12
SPEAKER_00: And I strongly believe that your message today is gonna do that.
32:16
SPEAKER_02: I really hope so.
32:17
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it it is.
32:17
SPEAKER_02: I am passionate about it because it it did save me.
32:20
SPEAKER_02: And yeah, we really need we need each other, moms and moms, women need women.
32:25
SPEAKER_02: We need to get together and gather and hang out together, share our stories, yeah.
32:31
SPEAKER_00: All the messiness, all the beauty, all the messiness, all of it, all of it together.
32:36
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so as we wrap up today, I think we always try to leave our listeners with like an affirmation or just a takeaway.
32:43
SPEAKER_00: So maybe this is my therapist's take on it, but I think that one thing I want everyone to walk away with is recognizing that connection and community isn't just like a nice thing to have, it's one of the greatest protective factors for our mental health.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: And Alyssa, today you talked about mental health and how like this did save you in those ways.
33:03
SPEAKER_00: And I do believe that strongly too, that um connection is one thing that if we can give it to ourselves, then we are gonna be better off for it.
33:10
SPEAKER_00: Speaking of community, I did want to share with everyone listening that we just hosted our very first local mom's night out.
33:18
SPEAKER_00: It was so much fun the other night.
33:20
SPEAKER_00: We got together, we connected, we vision boarded, we laughed, and everyone in that room just was creating their dreams, connecting with each other and finding maybe their next village.
33:29
SPEAKER_00: So it was such an awesome thing.
33:31
SPEAKER_00: So we are excited to continue creating those opportunities for all the moms that are local or far.
33:37
SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna have more in-person events, we're gonna have virtual events coming.
33:41
SPEAKER_00: If you would like to learn more about upcoming events, then be sure to follow us on Instagram.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: You can find us at messy.minded.mama, or you can visit our website, messymindedmama.com.
33:53
SPEAKER_00: We would love to connect with people again, both near and far.
33:56
SPEAKER_00: Thank you again for being here, Alyssa.
33:58
SPEAKER_00: So great connecting with you.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: So good.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: We can't wait to have more conversations like this soon.
34:02
SPEAKER_00: We'll bring more real moms, real stories.
34:05
SPEAKER_00: And until then, we'll see you next time.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here with us today.
34:11
SPEAKER_00: If something in this episode resonated, we're really glad you listened.
34:15
SPEAKER_00: Messy minded or not, you're not alone in this, and you don't have to have it all figured out.
34:19
SPEAKER_01: If you'd like to stay connected, you can follow Messy Minded Mama wherever you listen to podcasts.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: And follow us on Instagram at messy.minded.mama.
34:29
SPEAKER_01: We'll be back to connect again soon.
34:31
SPEAKER_01: Thanks for being here.