Latest / CALL ME MISTRESS / SEXUAL EXPERIENCES, ONE NIGHT STANDS AND TEACHING YOUR PARTNER SOMETHING NEW

Transcript

SEXUAL EXPERIENCES, ONE NIGHT STANDS AND TEACHING YOUR PARTNER SOMETHING NEW · CALL ME MISTRESS

• 0:07
  Hi and welcome to the latest episode of Call Me Mistress.
• 0:09
  I'm your Hostess, Mistress Mia, and you know my sidekick, Madame
• 0:14
  Lev. Me.
• 0:16
  Good morning. Good morning.
• 0:18
  Good. Morning.
• 0:19
  How are you, lady? I'm I'm doing pretty good,
• 0:22
  pretty chip chip Puray, I don't know.
• 0:25
  You did. That was fabulous.
• 0:26
  That was great. Oh wait, that's Australian.
• 0:32
  Yeah, you go Australian real quick.
• 0:34
  That's too funny. My husband, when he starts doing
• 0:38
  the British accent, he can't fucking do it.
• 0:41
  And I'm like, your grandmother is from fucking Manchester,
• 0:45
  like. Hello, just copy her.
• 0:48
  Wait, does he do it like as like a stemming?
• 0:51
  Well look, his grandma passed so she's not around anymore, but
• 0:55
  she had an adorable little accent and what the fuck is
• 0:58
  stemming? Like when you're have ADHD
• 1:01
  you'll just be like like just randomly blurred out in a
• 1:04
  different accent. No, we just randomly do shit
• 1:09
  like this and we start talking and I'm like, hey, give me your
• 1:12
  best, your breast. I'm going to you.
• 1:16
  Blah blah blah blah, give me your best British accent and he
• 1:23
  cannot do it and I'm like my God.
• 1:26
  You're I want to hear him do it now.
• 1:27
  Oh, it's terrible. I love it.
• 1:29
  It's to where to laugh at him. It's almost like Chinese meets
• 1:34
  meets American. Like I'm like what the fuck is
• 1:37
  that? I can't wait to hear.
• 1:39
  That is not British, but I did see a video of, you know,
• 1:47
  Princess Diana. God, she was incredible.
• 1:50
  And I know this is kind of like before your time, you know, when
• 1:53
  she got married in the 80s and every I.
• 1:55
  Watched all the documentaries. Did you?
• 1:57
  Yeah. See.
• 1:58
  So, you know, you appreciate it. But I saw in her funeral where
• 2:02
  Queen Elizabeth broke protocol and actually bowed to her, you
• 2:06
  know, And I was like, oh, that's so sad.
• 2:08
  So sad. Seemed to be like she was like
• 2:10
  this lovely, beautiful woman and yeah, life to be taken so early.
• 2:15
  We're talking about British accents.
• 2:17
  And then you showed me that picture.
• 2:18
  God. So Liv decides to fuck with my
• 2:22
  brain this early in the morning, where's my coffee?
• 2:25
  And tells me, oh, doesn't this look like Cookie Monster?
• 2:28
  And it's a picture of this woman's crunched up stomach
• 2:32
  meets her big ass titties and she thinks it's sexy and she's
• 2:37
  got like, fucked up areolas. So almost look like the Cookie
• 2:40
  Monster with the googly eyes. Not that's yeah, her areola was
• 2:44
  like too far over. Way far over.
• 2:47
  It was weird, I'm watching a nipple that offset and maybe if
• 2:50
  they were both offset it made sense, but they're both in two
• 2:54
  different spots on her boobs so it looks like cookie monster.
• 2:56
  Like a little crosshair. Well, you know this lovely
• 3:00
  woman. You have not met her yet.
• 3:02
  OK. She usually comes to all of our
• 3:04
  events. Super great lady.
• 3:07
  She actually had a breast augmentation done from this
• 3:12
  local surgeon. Well, she didn't do her research
• 3:16
  because I he's got lawsuits against him and he fucked up her
• 3:21
  titties. Now they're big, they're plump,
• 3:23
  they're very pretty, but both of her nipples are facing the wrong
• 3:27
  direction, like they go outwards instead of forwards.
• 3:31
  My mind go outward instead of forwards just naturally and see
• 3:34
  my. Brother-in-law, really I OK.
• 3:37
  Slightly. I'll show you later.
• 3:38
  OK. And so.
• 3:41
  Don't give me that face. There's like a little disgusting
• 3:44
  flop. No go.
• 3:46
  OK me this way it's. OK, you can show me your
• 3:49
  titties. I will.
• 3:50
  My fucking left titties killing me this morning.
• 3:53
  Let. Me see it?
• 3:53
  I don't know why you're sick. But anyway, so then my
• 4:01
  brother-in-law, he goes the same fucking surgeon and he, they
• 4:06
  fucked up his nose bad. Yeah.
• 4:10
  And I was like, you guys need to get your shit checked.
• 4:13
  Like you need to do some Google searches and they didn't do
• 4:15
  fucking Google searches on this fucker.
• 4:18
  But that's scary, Yeah. Those are two very important
• 4:22
  parts of your body. So Liv and I, we were talking
• 4:27
  just a few moments ago and we were saying that she was always
• 4:31
  naked as a kid. Yeah, it was.
• 4:34
  Well, I was too. He was.
• 4:36
  You're welcome. I think we are.
• 4:37
  We are a lot more like. We are a lot like we really are,
• 4:42
  but I I started putting clothes on by the time I was 6.
• 4:47
  Oh, I was like 16, yeah. No, no, because I had.
• 4:52
  I was in my room, I never was outside of my room.
• 4:54
  Like people knew that I was naked so knock on the door and
• 4:56
  not cover up or my sister would just barge in and she wouldn't
• 4:59
  give 2 fucks. She was like, all right, there's
• 5:01
  naked on her chair. Gotcha.
• 5:03
  Well I always slept naked so you know people would know that
• 5:07
  about me too. Did you sleep naked too?
• 5:09
  No. I.
• 5:14
  Was like, I'm still not over the Austin Powers.
• 5:19
  I fucking love Austin Powers, but I love it when he goes.
• 5:24
  Gives me the ebb jeebies. He really gave Mike Myers.
• 5:29
  I think he's so fun. He's fine.
• 5:31
  For sure, but he still gives me the ebb jeebies.
• 5:33
  Ohh well he I think his character is supposed to give
• 5:36
  you perv vibes because he's a fucking perv in it.
• 5:39
  That's what he's supposed to be. Yeah, well, it gave me.
• 5:42
  It was right on cue, baby. But you know, for years I did
• 5:46
  not know that, that the actual scene where he has the Japanese
• 5:53
  twins come up to him and he said he's like, Oh my God, twins,
• 5:58
  twins. Basil, you know, and she's like,
• 6:03
  my name is Fuk Yul. Her name is Fuk Me.
• 6:09
  Yeah, you didn't notice that Well.
• 6:11
  No, what? I didn't notice was that's
• 6:13
  Carrie Anne Arbar from Dancing With the Stars judge.
• 6:18
  Really. Yes.
• 6:20
  Wow, that was her. And I was like fuck Carrie Anne
• 6:24
  you big slut. That was great.
• 6:26
  She just, she did so great in that little acting scene.
• 6:30
  She should have done more. Yeah, she was always beautiful,
• 6:32
  honestly. But anywho, let's see, we're
• 6:38
  being talked today. I was, oh, I was thinking about
• 6:41
  sex in general. We haven't you just all live
• 6:45
  space. Well, I mean, I'm thinking, you
• 6:51
  know, we're we both always like, you know, walked around naked
• 6:54
  and, you know, just being so casual.
• 6:56
  And I think that, you know, people put, you know, things in
• 7:01
  a sexual nature and sometimes they shouldn't.
• 7:03
  But then I was my brain was going over to that cookie
• 7:07
  monster titty picture you sent me and then I was like, you
• 7:10
  know, I don't I'm not king shaming but people post pictures
• 7:14
  on fat that aren't flattering and I'm like you and I take
• 7:19
  multiple pictures of like one shot of 1 scene just to try to
• 7:25
  get it. Right.
• 7:26
  Yeah, at least one picture out of 50 would turn out right.
• 7:29
  Yeah, and you know, but damn, some people just don't care when
• 7:34
  they post these pictures or they think they look really good and
• 7:38
  they don't. Yeah, I know.
• 7:41
  Or then is it just me being a superficial bitch and be like.
• 7:45
  Well, OK, so how I think about it is if they're feeling
• 7:48
  beautiful and it's their body, they can't really change certain
• 7:50
  things about their body. And if they're feeling
• 7:52
  beautiful, let them feel beautiful.
• 7:53
  But I do not feel like Fetlife is for like, nudity, like where
• 7:57
  you're supposed to be for fetishes, not hey, let's fuck
• 8:00
  each other, you know, just get naked and.
• 8:03
  Well, you know a lot of them, they gear towards sex when they
• 8:07
  think BDSM. Well, I do think it's a very
• 8:10
  sexual game. Yeah, and I think that a lot of
• 8:13
  the guys on there, they want to show their Dicks.
• 8:16
  So it's still a sexual connotation, the women, you
• 8:19
  know? Yeah, we.
• 8:20
  Don't really need to see it though.
• 8:21
  We don't need to see Dicks. Bite your tongue.
• 8:24
  I like to see Dick pictures. I just like to see classy.
• 8:28
  Dick pictures, classy Dick pictures, or even the ones where
• 8:31
  they're like caged up. Or have like really hard CBT?
• 8:36
  Yes. I really like seeing.
• 8:37
  Those. Yeah.
• 8:39
  Yeah. But you're like, kinky.
• 8:41
  It's still. But you know, so much of the
• 8:43
  BDSM that you do in the bedroom, I mean, it correlates back to
• 8:47
  sex. I mean, yeah, I guess you're
• 8:49
  right. You're just like I want to see
• 8:52
  more BDFM not facts. Well, you know, I do like seeing
• 8:59
  it. I just wish that it was, you
• 9:01
  know, more more related to BDSM. Like I like the role play and I
• 9:05
  like not that I don't like seeing naked women.
• 9:07
  Yes, I'll be all about it. And I do like seeing dates.
• 9:09
  I'm just saying like, I don't know, I just I'd like to see
• 9:13
  more BDSM. Maybe I just didn't like
• 9:16
  people's start following different people or something.
• 9:18
  You want a little one-on-one class with Punky I?
• 9:22
  Don't know who that is. Is that your cat?
• 9:26
  No, you would have met her at the party.
• 9:30
  Oh, wait. She is the big sexy blonde and
• 9:35
  she was doing a rope scene in the dungeon at one point, did
• 9:39
  you not? I was not in there.
• 9:41
  You were not in there. I saw people in the rope play,
• 9:44
  but it was so. Crowded.
• 9:45
  It was jammed. And like they, she really had an
• 9:48
  audience. And I was like, well, you know,
• 9:50
  OK, I just kept walking. I wasn't able to get, I wasn't
• 9:54
  able to squeeze in there. I mean, even people were in the
• 9:56
  mud room like. We got to get her to rope class
• 9:59
  because. Like give her more room. 100.
• 10:01
  Percent, she's gonna have more audience to be able to see
• 10:03
  because I mean, yeah, short people in the back, people can't
• 10:06
  see. 100% well, we'll have to do that.
• 10:09
  She's. This class is on loud how you
• 10:11
  tie and yes, I didn't be a great thing and her name.
• 10:14
  'S who? Punky blonde punky.
• 10:16
  Blonde, yes. She's an amazing cat.
• 10:21
  Tiger Lily. Oh really?
• 10:24
  Yeah. That is not my cat.
• 10:26
  That is my mother's. I do not claim that little
• 10:28
  fucker. OK, so my thought is punky.
• 10:31
  For some reason, no, my husband yesterday went out and he was
• 10:34
  getting the mail, taking the trash cans and putting them to
• 10:37
  the curb. Right.
• 10:39
  Well, he sees his poor little squirrel and we get big
• 10:44
  squirrels too. You know, a lot of the neighbors
• 10:47
  feed the squirrels and we're getting ready to put another
• 10:50
  feeder outside. But pretty.
• 10:53
  Little squirrel, he was so adorable.
• 10:55
  And so he's laying there and, you know, my husband went up to
• 10:59
  make sure that he was OK. And so he he picked the squirrel
• 11:05
  up because my little Twila went up to smell the squirrel.
• 11:09
  And so he picked the squirrel up and he put it up over on this
• 11:13
  this ledge and he was looking at the squirrel and he's like, oh,
• 11:16
  you know, I think he's dead. And he knew then it had to be my
• 11:22
  mother's cat. And that little fucker, he snuck
• 11:27
  back around. He's like, oh, my God, where's
• 11:29
  my meat? Where's my kill, you know?
• 11:31
  And he's like, oh, you know, he's like dodging things.
• 11:33
  He's looking around. He's like, where the fuck did he
• 11:35
  go? And finally he sees where my
• 11:38
  husband put it. And he jumped up on there and he
• 11:42
  got it. And he put it in his mouth.
• 11:44
  And I'm like, oh, you little fuck.
• 11:47
  And then, of course, my husband took pictures of it.
• 11:50
  I was like, God, he's like, yeah, I'm going to show your
• 11:53
  mother what a terrible cat you have.
• 11:56
  Terrible cat she has. Not me.
• 11:58
  Terrible cat she has. Poor Kitty, this is just being a
• 12:01
  cat. I know, but still you know.
• 12:05
  You're thinking of like, like a movie, like a cartoon movie
• 12:07
  where the cat's always chasing the mouse or the mouse is the
• 12:09
  good guy. Oh yeah.
• 12:11
  Sometimes the cat could be the good guy and he's just chasing
• 12:13
  the mouse because that's what God made her to do.
• 12:15
  Look, I don't like mice. I really don't.
• 12:18
  I don't like brodens in general, but I don't want to see that.
• 12:23
  And my thing of it is there's plenty of rats in the woods.
• 12:28
  It's like, go kill a rat that's still.
• 12:31
  Rats or mice? Yeah, they're disgusting.
• 12:34
  Don't kill a sweet, beautiful squirrel.
• 12:36
  They have a nice fluffy tail. It's a tree rat.
• 12:41
  They're so sweet though, yeah. Sometimes you know they're
• 12:46
  making nests in the wrong spots, or they're.
• 12:49
  Good. You know, they eat the acorns so
• 12:52
  we don't have to pick them up and they're cool.
• 12:55
  I love squirrels. OK.
• 12:56
  I I just fucking don't like rats.
• 12:59
  They're disgusting. They're just a.
• 13:01
  Different kind of rat. They are.
• 13:02
  They're disgusting, but. OK.
• 13:07
  Anyway, so remind me I have to tell you a story about this
• 13:15
  after but anywho. But sexual aspects of you know
• 13:21
  BDSM and then we correlate it back to fetlife and and sex in
• 13:26
  general. So do you want to talk about a
• 13:29
  sexy story? Like what?
• 13:30
  Of sex. Like like my scenes?
• 13:33
  Yeah, but you and your real life.
• 13:36
  I think all my scenes are slightly about me.
• 13:41
  All right, well, how about this? How about this?
• 13:43
  Because I, I was reading this article the other day and it was
• 13:47
  basically about how you connect with a new partner.
• 13:50
  Now again, we don't have to talk about my nephew.
• 13:53
  By all means, you can. You can.
• 13:55
  That's why you switched up real quick.
• 13:56
  I did. I have very clear on this.
• 13:59
  But I'm thinking about when you meet somebody, say it's a one
• 14:02
  night stand, right, you don't know it's going to be good.
• 14:06
  No. So my thing of it is there's
• 14:08
  certain things that guys should do.
• 14:11
  They don't necessarily know to do these things, and considering
• 14:15
  that 70% of our listeners are men, they really need to know,
• 14:19
  hey, this is what you should do, yes.
• 14:21
  Vacation, yes, and then if they just know the right ways to
• 14:25
  touch a woman, even if you don't have good Dick, that person will
• 14:28
  remember you, yes, you know, just touched.
• 14:31
  Exactly what have been some of your experiences?
• 14:34
  Has there been like some fails, like oh God I'll never fuck him
• 14:38
  again? Oh yeah, all the time.
• 14:42
  Men think they got it and then their shit don't stink or
• 14:45
  they're like, well, I'm never going to see you again, so I'm
• 14:46
  just going to get mine and not worry about anything.
• 14:48
  So it's just like, you know, just kind of gross.
• 14:51
  Did they tell you the story about, you know, when I'm
• 14:54
  touching this, I know the microphone's picking this up.
• 14:57
  I'm like thinking about Dick and feet and I'm rubbing my fucking.
• 15:03
  Big ass coffee cup. Yeah, OK.
• 15:06
  So. That was the noise you made.
• 15:13
  I'm thinking of a big cock like. That's not what they sound like.
• 15:21
  Maybe if you like blow on the tip, you know when you like, you
• 15:23
  blow on a bottle. You know, like, like maybe and
• 15:30
  we'll try that later. Do I speak whales?
• 15:34
  I. Mean they come out like shoots
• 15:36
  up like a whale. Yes, spark or blowhole.
• 15:40
  God, there's so many topics we can go from here.
• 15:42
  We lately been talking about nothing and everything at the
• 15:44
  same time. Fuck.
• 15:47
  OK, All right, so we're talking about sexual experiences, but I
• 15:53
  will tell you you brought up feet.
• 15:56
  OK, while you're thinking of your story, I'll tell you one of
• 15:59
  my stories. OK, so I went to meet a foot
• 16:03
  guy. I went somewhere to meet him and
• 16:05
  he reserved a room at a hotel. OK, so it was by a casino.
• 16:10
  So I told my mother. Did I tell you the story before
• 16:13
  I. Don't know, probably.
• 16:14
  But I told my mother and my sister-in-law, who will be your
• 16:18
  potential mother-in-law one day. God, I'm so sorry.
• 16:22
  I told them. I said, hey, look, I'll drop you
• 16:24
  both off at the casino. I'm going to go over here and
• 16:27
  I'm going to meet this foot fetishist.
• 16:29
  I drop them off and I bring a big bag of shoes, different
• 16:32
  shoes that he can, you know, feel and do whatever else he
• 16:36
  does. In this session.
• 16:37
  I had this one pair of shoes. I, I've had them for years.
• 16:40
  I love them. They're like they're goldish,
• 16:43
  copperish color. They're sequin, they're pretty
• 16:46
  and they're kind of open toed and they kind of open on the
• 16:49
  sides and that kind of thing. So I do the session and during
• 16:53
  the session he likes to take his Dick and rub it in the sole of
• 16:57
  my shoes. Now mind you he's got baby oil.
• 17:02
  I have baby oil all over my feet.
• 17:05
  He has baby oil all over his Dick.
• 17:08
  And then therefore my shoes are covered in baby oil on the
• 17:13
  inside. Now I wear a size 9.
• 17:18
  OK, my sister-in-law is a 7 1/2. She thought as she sits in the
• 17:24
  back seat that she was just going to be nosy because she's
• 17:27
  very nosy since she goes through my duffel bag with all my shoes.
• 17:32
  And she's like why are you bringing all these shoes?
• 17:34
  And she says you know, I love shoes.
• 17:37
  Well of course she starts trying them on.
• 17:39
  Well the first pair I didn't even use for the session.
• 17:42
  She tried those on no issue. Second pair she tries on and
• 17:44
  she's like oh baby. Well she said why are they so
• 17:47
  oily? I said, well, you just found a
• 17:50
  pair of shoes that he put his penis in and she's like, oh God.
• 17:56
  You know, I mean, it's kind of her fault.
• 17:57
  You can't be going through stuff like that.
• 17:59
  Yeah, so I'm like, why the fuck are you going through my shoes?
• 18:02
  In this bag, I think that's completely rude.
• 18:04
  Well, she was my babysitter when I was four years old.
• 18:07
  If my mom goes through my bag, yeah, it is rude, yes.
• 18:10
  You have to at least ask, hey, is it alright if I go through
• 18:13
  this bag, you know, is there anything that's going to be?
• 18:15
  Uncomfortable. I'm telling you your soon to be
• 18:17
  mother-in-law has zero fucking boundaries.
• 18:19
  So. Sorry.
• 18:20
  Well, I'll say something. Yeah, so that's the kind of shit
• 18:23
  she would do. And then she, yeah, she went
• 18:29
  through them. And I'm like, well, you just
• 18:31
  had, you know, some Dick juice on your feet, but good for you.
• 18:35
  Consequences. Isn't that funny?
• 18:37
  But you know the funnier part? She was so grossed out by it
• 18:40
  that a few years later she ended up coming to the dungeon and
• 18:43
  seeing the same guy in the dungeon with oil on her feet.
• 18:49
  Yeah. Turn of events, Yeah, girl.
• 18:54
  Oh, that's funny. Isn't that funny shit?
• 18:56
  OK, I didn't have a story when I brought up feet.
• 18:59
  No, not feet, but like one night stand.
• 19:02
  Oh yeah. What was your one night stand
• 19:04
  story? Like a like a good one.
• 19:06
  Good or bad? I feel like most of them are bad
• 19:09
  because if they were good I'd keep them around.
• 19:11
  Well, my thing of it is so men can learn what they should do
• 19:15
  and what they should not do. We'll never.
• 19:18
  Ask, hey, does that feel good? That's so annoying that sit
• 19:21
  there and say no or yes or maybe just lie to not hurt your ego.
• 19:25
  Like I'm definitely not going to see you again, especially if I'm
• 19:27
  having to say no, but I'm not going to tell you no because
• 19:29
  that's going to hurt your feelings.
• 19:30
  You don't want to hear that, okay?
• 19:32
  Because then you work. It's not hard enough.
• 19:34
  It'll break you a little bit. So don't ask that question.
• 19:36
  So do you ever give them instructions on what to do?
• 19:39
  Well, usually I don't let them do anything if they're the first
• 19:42
  time I'm doing it. I don't let them do anything
• 19:44
  that they feel like they have to learn how to do.
• 19:46
  Like if you're eating me out, you got to have some time there
• 19:49
  and I'm I'm using you once. I'm not doing it.
• 19:51
  Unless you got like a really good kiss here and you're like,
• 19:53
  maybe they'd be good at it and just kind of let them do it.
• 19:57
  So First off, Liv is sitting on the couch with her legs spread.
• 20:03
  But she's covered up with a blanket.
• 20:06
  But she's facing me like, yeah, they're going to spend some time
• 20:08
  down there. They're like my Kitty cat much
• 20:13
  on a girl. Chew on my bubble gum.
• 20:18
  OK, so so is it safe to say you're a little submissive and
• 20:23
  bad? For sure.
• 20:26
  For sure. So roles are reversed.
• 20:28
  You're you're submissive in bed. You're, you're telling him, do
• 20:32
  you give him instructions on what to do when it comes to
• 20:35
  like, oral pleasure? Well, if I know him, you know,
• 20:39
  you know, when you're submissive, you don't want to
• 20:40
  hurt their feelings you, but you want to, you want to have
• 20:43
  communication because you want to feel good eventually, you
• 20:45
  know what I mean? And then if I keep somebody
• 20:47
  around, if I know this one's like, hey, this one's got a
• 20:48
  little bit of potential, I'll keep him around and then maybe
• 20:51
  I'll end up liking him. Or maybe you just wear just sex.
• 20:54
  Yeah. But yeah, then I start giving
• 20:57
  like, oh, do it right there. I'll like, move his head to
• 21:00
  where? It's supposed to be OK.
• 21:03
  All right, I get it. And I was gonna say you said
• 21:06
  something like you really don't even like your ass licked.
• 21:09
  I don't like anal my my butt hole licked.
• 21:11
  It doesn't have any like nerves like that for some reason.
• 21:14
  Gotcha. I like the perineum or the tank
• 21:17
  or whatever you want to fucking call.
• 21:18
  I think it's a gross word, but. Perineum is better than tank.
• 21:21
  Yeah, Tank. Sounds so gross even for a guy.
• 21:24
  Disgusting. But the little piece of skin in
• 21:26
  between both of them, I think it's like just close enough
• 21:29
  where it feels like when you're going to The Dirty spot, but it
• 21:31
  still feels good because it's got a bunch of nerves there.
• 21:33
  Yeah, All right. So aside from licking your
• 21:39
  taint, I said it just for you. Tainty.
• 21:45
  The tainty dainty, tainty, tainty.
• 21:47
  Tainty. Tainty.
• 21:47
  Oh my God, that's cute. You like that?
• 21:49
  Dainty, tainty. Yeah, I like that.
• 21:52
  And now I'll lick somebody else's ass.
• 21:54
  Not a new person, yeah, but like if I'm close enough with them.
• 21:57
  Yeah. Definitely.
• 21:59
  I've like three guys, assholes in my life.
• 22:02
  OK, right on. I.
• 22:06
  Don't know, it's just nice to please them in a different way.
• 22:08
  I think so too. I think so too, and especially
• 22:10
  when you're giving them a nice little hand job.
• 22:13
  I was getting a blowjob, getting all that.
• 22:16
  Shit in the wet. Damn.
• 22:17
  Yeah. I'm pretty ruthless, right?
• 22:21
  I might seem innocent, but there is no innocents here.
• 22:26
  It wouldn't work in my relationship if there was.
• 22:30
  Good to know, all right. The face.
• 22:34
  You know, if that's how you can win somebody over, honestly,
• 22:37
  when you're inside and, you know, because I think everybody
• 22:40
  has some type of, you know, sexual talent.
• 22:43
  Oh yeah. Like somebody be like, like, I
• 22:44
  have this one friend. Yeah, the girl I used to be
• 22:47
  sleeping with. Yeah.
• 22:48
  She can ride backwards on a Dick like nobody business for as long
• 22:52
  as you can go. And I'm like, I can't do that
• 22:55
  once. Like I can't do it the way she
• 22:57
  does it at all, not even a little bit.
• 22:59
  I don't have that talent at all. But I give blowjobs like
• 23:02
  nobody's business. I'm with you.
• 23:04
  She can't do that, but she can do she can do some things and I
• 23:07
  can do some things. So if you put us both together,
• 23:08
  we're like the perfect. Woman, I bet right on.
• 23:12
  That's why it's good to have varieties, because there's some
• 23:15
  things I can't do. Yeah, I understand that.
• 23:19
  I understand. Like the gripper, I can grip a
• 23:24
  little bit, but not like that. That was something else.
• 23:30
  Forever the Griswold gripper. You know what I'm sensing we
• 23:36
  need to have AT shirt made for her?
• 23:38
  Oh my God she would like this. She's so cute.
• 23:41
  Fucking love that the Griswold gripper and nobody will know.
• 23:46
  Nobody would know. Yes.
• 23:48
  And she would be able to just, you know, proudly wear that
• 23:51
  shit. Yes.
• 23:52
  She would love it, yes. OK, Yeah, that's what we'll.
• 23:56
  Do. We'll do that for.
• 23:57
  Her, Absolutely. Griswold Gripper.
• 24:00
  We got to think of a cute little like.
• 24:01
  Name for him now? Yeah.
• 24:04
  Wait, who's the name for who? For her husband.
• 24:07
  I thought he was Griswold. Well, he's Griswold, but he's
• 24:10
  not a gripper. I've never met him.
• 24:12
  Yeah, you did. We don't like conceptual immuno.
• 24:15
  Oh yeah, yeah. Well, there.
• 24:16
  You go. I mean, there's got you've.
• 24:17
  Met him as a person but not as a sexual abject in bed.
• 24:20
  Yeah, I don't think I ever will though.
• 24:23
  No. Well, no, because your boyfriend
• 24:25
  doesn't want you. I'm saying I've been around
• 24:27
  another guy naked and yeah, like sexually meeting them.
• 24:31
  But like, I'm not saying like I have to like fuck them.
• 24:33
  The No, that's true. I didn't.
• 24:35
  You can't really fuck a woman. But I can stick my finger in
• 24:37
  there and I'm like, God damn, You think he's got a tight
• 24:40
  asshole? He could be a gripper, too.
• 24:43
  I don't know about that. He's my dear friends.
• 24:46
  We don't discuss things like that about nothing.
• 24:51
  He has a special name for me. Uh huh.
• 24:54
  So yeah. Oh, you're talking about like
• 24:58
  that. Yeah, we're very good friends.
• 25:00
  We're not sexual friends, but we're very good.
• 25:02
  No, I. Meant like the name that you
• 25:04
  were saying that you wanted to give them.
• 25:05
  It could have been not sexual. You didn't give me no context on
• 25:08
  that, so I was. Going on sex.
• 25:10
  This conversation was supposed to be all about.
• 25:12
  Sex it was. I don't know where we're on
• 25:14
  anymore. This is how we talk in real.
• 25:16
  Life, this is so. It's all over the place.
• 25:19
  This is our conversations all the time.
• 25:23
  We have a little bit of structure when we're on the air.
• 25:26
  See, this is the thing when we do the video podcast, we really
• 25:29
  have to stay on topic. I know this is so hard.
• 25:33
  Yeah, you know? And it's OK because people kind
• 25:36
  of know that we kind of go fucking everywhere.
• 25:39
  But maybe they like that quality about us, I mean.
• 25:42
  That's, I mean, that's what we do.
• 25:43
  So I mean, and they like our podcast.
• 25:45
  Maybe we can get some comments on that.
• 25:46
  Tell us what you think there. You go, there you go.
• 25:49
  I mean, we always get positive feedback.
• 25:51
  We really do now. I've had people at the very
• 25:55
  beginning, beginning years ago when I first started, I would
• 25:59
  laugh so fucking much at my old friend.
• 26:04
  And so I had to stop that. It's just like, it's really hard
• 26:07
  to not laugh at things. People were just like, there was
• 26:11
  one person, I, they wrote me a review and it's like, oh, that
• 26:13
  hideous laughing. And I think it was somebody who
• 26:15
  I know who fucking hates me. Oh, I was like, that's what
• 26:18
  that's mean. I know.
• 26:19
  Well, yeah, because I was like, you know, everyone else that
• 26:22
  I've met, they're just like, oh, I love your laugh, but I'm like,
• 26:25
  you can laugh too much sometimes.
• 26:27
  Though Yeah, I guess. I mean, it's like repetitive and
• 26:30
  like kind of like obnoxious. Yeah, no one wants to hear that
• 26:32
  all the time. And I get it.
• 26:34
  We're laughing all the time. We do, but sometimes I have to
• 26:37
  take out some of my laughter because it's a lot.
• 26:39
  Yes, it's a lot. See, I'm doing it again.
• 26:45
  Giggle. You have a cute little giggle.
• 26:48
  Thank you. I think you're partial though.
• 26:50
  Let's get back to tainty. OK, Dainty, tainty, dainty,
• 26:54
  tainty. OK.
• 26:55
  So yeah, I wouldn't say necessarily I gosh.
• 27:00
  You don't like any part of yourself like down there.
• 27:03
  Oh yeah, no, I'm good with oral, trust me.
• 27:05
  I'm saying like on your butt. Oh yeah.
• 27:08
  You like that? Oh yeah, I do.
• 27:10
  I like that. But now, you know, I'm married
• 27:13
  to somebody who is. He was total.
• 27:16
  It's like this total neat freak. Anti ass eater.
• 27:20
  Well, yeah, he's not a particular person that he would
• 27:23
  like to do that. You know, I think when I make
• 27:28
  him do it, I would be like, he was in bondage and I'm just like
• 27:32
  sitting on his face to torture him.
• 27:34
  So that's OK. But you know, I also told a
• 27:38
  certain person that if he quit smoking all together, I.
• 27:43
  Know who that person is? You know who?
• 27:44
  That person is that he could lick my ass.
• 27:47
  So you know I'm all about sticking to my word.
• 27:52
  Now, he hasn't said anything more about it, but, you know,
• 27:56
  I'm open to it. But it's just, you know, it's
• 27:58
  one of those things where it's like, it's really intimate.
• 28:02
  So it's like, I think I might have to wear, you know, panties
• 28:05
  and. That doesn't make it fun.
• 28:07
  Well, it can make it fun. Why don't?
• 28:10
  You do like edible panties. Oh my God, What?
• 28:14
  You're so gross. That's a.
• 28:16
  Good idea Or like damn a fruit roll up or something you know
• 28:21
  what I'm saying? I don't want to eat no cotton
• 28:26
  ass. I want to feel the skin and it
• 28:29
  pulsating in my mouth. You are hardcore.
• 28:33
  I'm not letting them go down in my vagina.
• 28:35
  That's not, I didn't say vagina. I'm just clarifying on this.
• 28:38
  You know a butt pulses too whenever you get going.
• 28:41
  I'm, I'm aware, I'm aware. No.
• 28:46
  So back to oral sex. So anyway, I used to go, God,
• 28:49
  this door is wide open. It's like, God, I hope my
• 28:51
  mother's completely deaf. But anyway, there used to be
• 28:57
  this really cute guy. My friend Crystal would always
• 29:02
  say, oh, caramel. Oh yeah, he was a caramel God,
• 29:06
  he was hot. Anywho, he was a.
• 29:10
  Caramel. That sounded racist.
• 29:12
  He was a caramel. Like what?
• 29:15
  No, he was a black man, obviously, but he he just had a
• 29:18
  really pretty hue to his skin color and it was like caramel.
• 29:23
  So I would call my little caramel lover.
• 29:26
  And so he was really fantastic in bed.
• 29:30
  He really was. He was gentle and just sexy.
• 29:35
  But let me tell you, the oral capabilities of this man I've
• 29:41
  still never had yet to this day. Yeah, I feel like that's going
• 29:45
  to be my ex-husband. He was good at doing that.
• 29:48
  Oh yeah, 'cause. You know, he would come so fast
• 29:50
  that he kind of had to do it. So he was always on it so and he
• 29:55
  had to work on it. OK.
• 29:57
  And we were. Together for 13 years.
• 30:00
  See, now I hit the microphone. God it.
• 30:03
  Was just chaos today. Total chaos.
• 30:06
  I got dogs over here, dogs over there, my mom downstairs.
• 30:14
  But yeah, so I mean, I think though when the longer you're
• 30:17
  with somebody, the better they're going to get it stuff.
• 30:19
  If they're willing to learn, you know, they think they're just
• 30:22
  good at it. They're just going to keep going
• 30:23
  the way they think they're going.
• 30:25
  Yeah, Instead of listening to you.
• 30:27
  See, the only thing about like someone like, well, like with
• 30:32
  your ex-husband, he was a virgin when you met him and he's only
• 30:35
  been with you. Yeah, so he learned that shit.
• 30:38
  So he, yeah. So you have to really learn
• 30:40
  that. See, with, with my husband, it's
• 30:44
  more or less like, hey, we're going to do bondage and you're
• 30:47
  going to be forced to do this because I think he likes the
• 30:49
  aspect of being forced, you know?
• 30:53
  But other times it's nice to be like, hey, get over here, do
• 30:56
  this, you know, but everyone's different.
• 31:00
  Everyone is different. But I will say that my caramel
• 31:05
  lover from years ago was absolutely incredible and bad.
• 31:10
  Just just saying. So I think certain people stick
• 31:14
  out, you know, And he wasn't one of those guys that had him like
• 31:18
  a massive Dick. Because I told you I'm not all
• 31:19
  about that massive Dick. I don't think it's about the
• 31:21
  Dick, it's about the head it. Is it is.
• 31:25
  You know the the G spot's only like 2 inches in there?
• 31:28
  Yeah, all you need is 2 inches. You need a good.
• 31:30
  Head. No kidding.
• 31:33
  No, I mean I want to live. In one or two inches.
• 31:36
  But you know, we do like a little.
• 31:37
  More I do like, I mean a finger I can get out of the finger for
• 31:40
  the rest of my life if I had a really good finger in there.
• 31:43
  I still need showing you the picture of the guy that has had
• 31:47
  the 26 inch cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 31:51
  I forgot. I did not know.
• 31:53
  Yeah, see, I've told this story to people before, but he was the
• 31:56
  one when I first met him, we had talked and when we were talking
• 32:02
  at some point in time, he ended up having to go into the
• 32:05
  hospital because the pressure with the constant blood flow
• 32:10
  going to his stick, it affected his heart.
• 32:15
  He couldn't get like a reduction.
• 32:17
  Well, he had to go get a reduction, but they only do
• 32:19
  those types of reductions at the time in California.
• 32:23
  They couldn't, they couldn't do them here.
• 32:25
  So he went before he went and got this reduction.
• 32:29
  You know, he was in the hospital.
• 32:31
  They said, OK, we've got to schedule the reduction, blah,
• 32:34
  blah, blah. But for now, you have to live
• 32:36
  with it for the next, you know, couple of months.
• 32:38
  And he couldn't break away because he was taking care of
• 32:40
  his elderly parents, so he couldn't leave the house
• 32:44
  normally unless he had a plan setter.
• 32:46
  So I'm like, you know what, I'm going to come and meet you.
• 32:48
  You seem like a nice guy. I knew him through a friend.
• 32:53
  And of course, when I met him, he came out in his garage and I
• 32:58
  was like, you know, he's wearing long shorts, but he had to make
• 33:03
  sure they were extra long, you know, And my God, that glory
• 33:10
  when he like pulled his pants a little bit down and then just
• 33:14
  kind of pulled out that fucking bat out of his pants.
• 33:18
  I was like. What that's that's too much?
• 33:25
  I wouldn't know what to do with it.
• 33:26
  I mean, there was no way you really can have sex comfortably
• 33:29
  with it. Serious.
• 33:30
  No, no way. You know, I mean you can.
• 33:33
  Get like the head in and that'll be it.
• 33:35
  You could get more than the head.
• 33:36
  So it was thin. No, it wasn't thin.
• 33:40
  It wasn't a fucking coke can though either.
• 33:43
  OK, so it's like a just a earthier Dick normal and then
• 33:46
  just really fucking long. It was thick.
• 33:48
  It was like the mini cans, put it that way.
• 33:51
  I could do that. It's still pretty big, but yeah,
• 33:56
  at the time I was like, I just want to, you know, suck his
• 34:00
  Dick. And you know, he didn't even
• 34:03
  have. Balls like a tree.
• 34:05
  Exactly. He didn't even have massive
• 34:07
  balls either. So anywho, just picking it up
• 34:11
  was like like I was a flautist in in grade school.
• 34:18
  So I was like, I can't hold it sideways like a flute, but I
• 34:22
  sure can't play the fucking clarinet right here.
• 34:26
  That's cool, I would have liked to do it just to say that I did
• 34:29
  it, but I feel bad for him for like long term relationships.
• 34:32
  Yeah, well, and this guy was amazing.
• 34:35
  He went and he took care of his dying girlfriend.
• 34:40
  She was dying of cancer, took care of her, took care of his
• 34:44
  elderly parents. One had Alzheimer's.
• 34:47
  I mean like he did nothing but give give give.
• 34:52
  And God definitely gave him back they.
• 34:54
  Sure did. Well he has this disorder that
• 34:57
  even after he had the reduction it still grows so it doesn't
• 35:04
  even matter. So the blood just still fills it
• 35:06
  up. Yes.
• 35:07
  Even after reduction. That's wild.
• 35:09
  Well, and it's going to continue to grow, period.
• 35:12
  That's the issue. And it is a condition, I forget
• 35:16
  what it's called, but there is a condition with that.
• 35:20
  So, you know, this has been, you know, 11-12 years ago, one of
• 35:25
  them snoring. I know you can hear it.
• 35:28
  Yeah, it's been like 11-12 years.
• 35:30
  And that's Twila over there snoring behind you.
• 35:34
  And that's sweet. But.
• 35:36
  But anyway, I can now imagine that it's grown even more
• 35:42
  because they cut it down to 9 inches.
• 35:45
  That's doable 9 inches for some people.
• 35:47
  At least somebody can handle. Yeah, that's great.
• 35:49
  Yeah, it's just fabulous. So now I don't.
• 35:53
  Know still pretty big. I would like maybe like a 8,
• 35:56
  seven and a half. Yeah, I think he's just cool to
• 35:59
  look at. I mean, yeah, but not for a long
• 36:02
  term relationship. I'm not.
• 36:03
  It's hard to take. I told you about that one guy
• 36:06
  and he was cordless phone guy and ginormous.
• 36:11
  I mean, we couldn't even connect having sex, you know, because he
• 36:15
  had to go for so far back, you know?
• 36:19
  Yeah. Crazy.
• 36:21
  I know all these men. You know all men want a big
• 36:23
  Dick. You know they want it.
• 36:26
  But even when they have it, they they still complain about it.
• 36:28
  They still complain. It doesn't matter.
• 36:31
  They just want bigger, bigger, bigger.
• 36:33
  Yeah, and. Then when they're too big, you
• 36:35
  talk to somebody as too big of a Dick and they're like, I just
• 36:38
  wish it was normal. Yeah.
• 36:39
  Just so I can please my woman. That's all it's about.
• 36:42
  It's just pleasing your woman. You think that a bigger one's
• 36:44
  going to please her? No.
• 36:44
  It's about how you work it. Exactly, exactly.
• 36:49
  All right, I think we've bored them enough with our handshakes.
• 36:53
  This one's been quite interesting.
• 36:55
  Oh, my God, it's been interesting.
• 36:57
  We're going to edit some of this shit anyway.
• 37:01
  Until then, you know what? The sirloin.
• 37:04
  You always look at me like, Oh, oh, you're in the headlights.
• 37:07
  Oh, is it then? Oh, do I need to say something?
• 37:11
  I love it. Sorry.
• 37:12
  I'll redo that. All right, Liv, it's been fun.
• 37:18
  So you want to tell everyone goodbye?
• 37:21
  Goodbye. It's the latest episode of.
• 37:25
  Call me Mistress.