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595. Why Success Starts With Self-Awareness · Be It Till You See It

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you took away our names and our identities and our genders and you looked at just the dots that were important to our identity, we both had a history of suicide in our family, we both lost our dads at the age of 18.
• 0:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: We both had siblings that we felt like relied on us.
• 0:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: There were these things that were identical to who we were.
• 0:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yet I went to law school and he went to jail.
• 0:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: He became a drug addict.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: He has turned his life around now and he's clean and sober.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yep, people look at him and they say you're such a screw up and people look at me and they say you're so successful What they don't realize is we were numbing the same thing Academic accomplishment was my numbing mechanism if I did enough if I focused on something else Then I wouldn't have to feel what I was going through
• 0:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to the Beat till you see it podcast, where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring.
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm also Logan, Ply's instructor and fitness business coach.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: I've trained thousands of people around the world, and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt.
• 1:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: My friends, action brings clarity, and it's the antidote to fear.
• 1:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Each week my guests will bring bold, executable, intrinsic, and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and be it till you see it.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a practice, not a perfect, let's get started.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: All right, be a babe, get ready.
• 1:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: This interview, we go on the best journey.
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's so good, the be it action.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was great.
• 1:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's also some really good action steps to take within the interview.
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: Amber Ferment is our guest today.
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I wanted to have her on because I got to be on her amazing podcast.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I loved her question so much.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I loved her responses.
• 1:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love the conversation.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was like, she should be on this show.
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because if anyone's been being it till you see it, it's her.
• 1:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we talk about people pleasing in perfectionism and success.
• 1:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I just think you're going to have a really great time.
• 2:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's going to be really eye-opening, pay attention to the SOS thing.
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's killer.
• 2:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: And let me know if you're a take-away star.
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: I want to hear about it.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: So here's Amber Furman.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: All right, be a babe.
• 2:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Get ready.
• 2:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: I know this is going to be a great conversation.
• 2:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because I've already had the pleasure of meeting this woman on being on her podcast.
• 2:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we could have gone on for hours.
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I decided, well, let's just continue the conversation over on my podcast.
• 2:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: Amber Furman, can you tell if when who you are and what you rock at?
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so excited to be here and I agree with you, we could have talked forever and you just meet people.
• 2:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's crazy.
• 2:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're both in Vegas because I think our response was how we have not crossed past like how is two amazing people that it is fantastic not met before now.
• 2:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm so excited to sum it up.
• 2:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a recovering perfectionist, a people pleaser that is learning how to not people please.
• 2:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm an attorney.
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a struggle man.
• 2:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: The struggle
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 2:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am a attorney.
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes in recovery, sometimes not.
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I do coaching and human behavior and podcasting and all of the things.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh my gosh, I think everyone their ears perked up when they heard, oh, you're covering perfectionist and I'm covering people, please are like a high who are you?
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, listen it because the people pleasing we looking to start there.
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: It is really hard and I think it's like, I think some people don't
• 3:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think that's so true.
• 3:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I also think we don't.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: We've never been told to talk about it because people pleasing is what we were told we were supposed to be as not even just women.
• 3:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I do think women have it more than men, but I don't want to exclude men from the conversation of people pleasing.
• 3:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but I do think that we as women were told that our job is to be there for other people.
• 3:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: We are traditionally put into nurturing roles.
• 3:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I remember being at the only female attorney at the criminal defense for my work that before I started my business.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we had a really sensitive case.
• 3:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember them coming in and saying, Amber, we need you.
• 3:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: We need a woman's touch.
• 4:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I said, you asked me, have you not met me?
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm so rough around the edges.
• 4:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you need somebody that can nurture this poor woman, I should be your last choice.
• 4:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can look at six men that will do a better nurturing job than I will.
• 4:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: But there's this perception that we're just supposed to take care of other people.
• 4:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 4:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and it's like, can you do know like what are in case people don't know what are some signs that they are a people, please, or do you have that off the top of your hand?
• 4:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, yeah, I think the one that's coming to my head the most right now is that you care about what somebody else is going to feel about your actions more than you care about what you're going to feel about your actions.
• 4:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you go to say something or do something in the first thought you have is, but what will the other person think?
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I am, I want to clarify that there's zero part of me that's telling you to go around being an asshole, just for the purposes of being an asshole, but if you're authentic self and you speaking your truth and who you are is going to piss somebody else off, then let them fucking be pissed.
• 5:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, okay, so here I have my mind when something places because one of the things that we coach apply studio owners a lot and sort of small business owners and I also just some life go out and I like talk to small business owners and it is amazing how many people like don't want to change their policies don't want to charge for late cancellation and won't raise their rates because they are so concerned with how it's going to affect the other person that it's actually affecting their business from making the money it needs to make for them to stay in business and it's like
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: to your point.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Of course, I'm not an asshole who doesn't care how they feel and I don't want to lose him as a client, but also if I don't make enough money doing this when I am working with clients, they are taking a spot from someone who could pay me so that I could actually provide for my family.
• 5:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I cannot put their feeling so far ahead that I'm actually suffering.
• 5:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I don't think we think about it that much, right?
• 5:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like if I am speaking my truth and I'm being me and I'm being authentic to who I am and that upset somebody.
• 6:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think, oh my gosh, I can't say that because they're gonna be upset.
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are they putting the same thought process into whether they're asking me to be somebody different than who I am?
• 6:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right, why is it that we are the ones that have to adjust?
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I know this is gonna trigger some people out there.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you're welcome and I love you.
• 6:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because the reality is one of my favorite things is that your actions are all about you and their responses are all about them.
• 6:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So whenever I have somebody who responds emotionally to something that I'm doing the first question I ask myself is where the actions that I took in alignment with who I want to be as a human being.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do I need to adjust something?
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are they rightfully upset?
• 6:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Did I act out of alignment with who I am?
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I did, then I have some apologies to make.
• 6:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have some internal work to do.
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have some questions to ask.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if I can look back and say, I am 100% congruent with the actions that I took.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And yes, I want to repair this relationship, and I will be there for you when you're ready to have a conversation.
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I will not apologize when I am 100% in alignment with my actions.
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is a conversation you get to understand and accept me for who I am or don't accept me.
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it is a beautiful place to get to, but it's not easy.
• 7:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, thank you for clarifying like, we have you can self reflect to just address and also double check what you're doing.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because I think especially if you are trying to
• 7:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: not people please as much you're going to need that set of tools to help you get there because you're going to have people who get pissed off.
• 7:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: The first people will get pissed off for your close family and friends who will get that's who your people pleasing for so many years are not going to like when you start acting different.
• 7:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I think family and friends is the hardest because they're going to support you the least by nature, which is not all their fault.
• 7:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's human behavior, right?
• 7:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: We exist.
• 7:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: So for the people that are listening, there's this term that I love in NLP called perception is projection.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And basically what that means is we project all of the things about ourselves out onto the world.
• 8:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: So everybody that we come in contact with is meant to teach us a lesson positive or constructive.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: about ourselves, right?
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we can only see the world as we are.
• 8:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when we start making positive changes in our life, when we start becoming the next version of who we are, we are fucking with the perception that our friends and family have held of us for a really long time, and that messes with their identity.
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because now they're faced with, do you why love a love?
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Or do I stay and leveling up takes perage and getting out of a comfort zone and something that not everybody's ready to do, right?
• 8:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when they're faced with that choice, sometimes it's easier for them to try to convince you not to change.
• 8:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then it is for them to face their own bullshit of whether or not they're going to be willing to join you.
• 8:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh my gosh, everyone rewind.
• 8:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Hear that one more time.
• 8:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, so good.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's so good.
• 8:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: We can keep going on this path, but I also want to just say, like, maybe let's go on a journey with you.
• 9:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: You, like, have you always wanted to be a coach, did you always want to, like, dive into helping people with success and things like that, or was, like, being an attorney, like, the thing you want to do, like, what's the journey that got you to where you are today, podcasting and helping people like you do?
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, the answer's neither, so I will say that going to law school was a trauma response for me, and because it was a trauma response, the question I hated the most was what made you decide to go to law school or why did you go to law school because I never had an answer.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: For me, I grew up in, I was born in the 80s, grew up in the late 80s, early 90s.
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I say that because that period of time for those of us who were raised there, we were taught that we put in enough hard work and there was this level of payout.
• 9:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yes.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the end.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so we're hard and you're gonna get for a board of course.
• 9:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, also hard work is off.
• 9:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I fucking hate that phrase.
• 9:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: If you add that, if you add a layer of religion in there, the same thing.
• 9:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's a goal at the end of all this for the people who do everything perfectly right and work harder than he yesterday and you know also also you should do a hundred ten percent at work
• 10:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: just to prove that you deserve the paycheck you're getting and then be happy that they didn't fire you and not give you like all these different things.
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: Anyways, keep going.
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, so you get it.
• 10:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then the second part of what I'm about to share is the reality that we often say what it is we want to have, but we don't articulate
• 10:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: the reason those things are important to us.
• 10:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so we never understand and get to make the connection of whether what we think we want is actually going to bring the payout that we think it's going to bring.
• 10:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let me bring this down a little bit for you.
• 10:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I grew up in the world where money equaled success, success equaled happiness.
• 10:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was in so much pain.
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I talk about this in my book.
• 10:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I decided to go to therapy in 2016, and decided is an overstatement.
• 10:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I was suffering from panic attacks and had no choice but to go to therapy, because I couldn't breathe in 2016, it was the first time I had ever heard the term abandonment disorder.
• 11:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know what that meant.
• 11:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then I started looking back at my life, and I started experiencing death for the first time at the age of seven.
• 11:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: My cousin, I had two suicides in my family
• 11:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: My dad died when I was 18.
• 11:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like our brains don't comprehend that somebody died.
• 11:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: They just comprehend that somebody's gone.
• 11:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 11:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So for me, I was just so used to people leaving me that it created this belief that people aren't going to stick around and I've got to be super hyper independent.
• 11:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Along with that, after my dad passed away, when I went to a grief counselor for the first time, the first thing they did, which tried to put me on a antidepressants, and I never wanted to be medicated.
• 11:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: So in my brain, that connected, if I talk to anybody about not being okay, they're going to medicate me, and I don't want that.
• 11:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I just pretended I was good until I couldn't pretend anymore.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 12:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: After my dad passed away, I failed out of undergrad.
• 12:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was the first person in my family to go to college.
• 12:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I really struggled with this idea of brief and success at the same time.
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when I was at my rock bottom, I thought something's got to change.
• 12:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've always loved legal thrillers.
• 12:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I fell into the trap of thinking that life is an attorney was a John Grisham book, which it is sadly not.
• 12:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: My dad and I talked about me going to going to law school.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: He thought I'd really like it.
• 12:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was no longer here, so it was kind of a connection to him.
• 12:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: But most importantly, it's the only way I knew to make six figures and that money equals six success equals happy as happy people don't feel pain.
• 12:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: So in 2016, after I'd gone to law school, I'd made my first six figure income, I had the respect in my profession, and I still hurt.
• 12:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know how to breathe.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's one of my panicked tax started.
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was learning of the human behavior behind choices, healing from my own choices, uncovering and dealing with the mask that I put on throughout my whole life.
• 13:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: As I saw the benefits of that, that's when coaching kind of opened its doors to me.
• 13:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: Wow, thank you for that whole journey.
• 13:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think I don't have, I didn't have the grief part of it in my childhood, but I definitely had the hyper independence.
• 13:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, you know, there's pictures of me as a little girl like making my own breakfast, because my dad was like very into like, you know, then like you have to be able to,
• 13:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: Take care of yourself.
• 13:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like so like as a three year old like the bowl of cereal was poured and the milk was in the fridge and I had a grab the milk from the fridge I was already poured in a cup for me to fill my bowl and like I love the independence at talk But also layered with that whole and my parents for good reason like they live in a small town They did not have money so if they're like if you want to have a life that's not like this you have to go to college Cause college is going to guarantee a very jagged
• 14:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's so comical now, right?
• 14:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: It guaranteed a lot of student loans.
• 14:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm glad, of course, I'm glad I wouldn't be here today.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Had I not gone on that journey because I don't believe anything happens without happening for us, but because I'm, but I did laugh as, like, in the 2008 recession when I was at full-time Pilis instructor, that is not why I had to score four and I was like, well, this $700 a month student loan bill is sucks.
• 14:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: But I wouldn't have found the lies that I not been there.
• 14:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: So like all these different things happened for the way they go But it took me a really long time and I'm still learning today It's probably the thing the hardest thing I'll have to have to learn is like I cannot do it all alone So I'm constantly thinking my team I'm constantly thinking my team after mine myself my team and then when things go wrong I have to that my first reactions like I could have done it better and I have to go.
• 14:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: No
• 14:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: I could have explained it better.
• 14:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: I could have maybe, I could reflect back and see where I could have checked things more.
• 15:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: I could have, but like, that hyper independence is a really hard thing.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think for a lot of women, because what they do is they just do everything themselves and then they're burnt out and they're pissed off and they're resentful.
• 15:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 15:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, anything.
• 15:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when you say I could have done it better, you're saying you could have done it better than myself.
• 15:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're better than you're better than you're better.
• 15:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I could have done it better yourself.
• 15:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: I could have done it better yourself.
• 15:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, mm-hmm.
• 15:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 15:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Which is not true because I can't even do.
• 15:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: I can't even do technology myself.
• 15:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: So.
• 15:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right, and I fall into that often, and the reason I asked for clarification was because I wanted to make sure I understood what you meant.
• 15:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And maybe we could have, right, done it better.
• 15:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: But we can do it better once, and then they get to be better at it by doing it over and over again.
• 15:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I think more importantly, have you ever heard Rory Vatins TED Talk procrastinate on purpose?
• 15:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, yes.
• 15:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my gosh, I love this so much and one of the things that he says in there that really sticks with me is by saying yes to one thing you're saying no to an infinite amount of other things that you don't even know yet.
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when we say I could have done that thing better maybe that's true, but what is the thing that we actually did better that we wouldn't have been able to do had we focused on that thing that we might have done better right.
• 16:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah, I think that's so good.
• 16:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think like.
• 16:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: We all have our things that we are overcoming and like, it'll think, you're in the coaching world.
• 16:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: So like, maybe you can address this.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think there are perfectionists in us and all the people listening is that we should get over it.
• 16:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I've determined or come to some company that like, I'll think you're ever over it.
• 16:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: You just get quicker at identifying that you're in it.
• 16:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then you have to deal with it.
• 16:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is it?
• 16:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: The perfectionism?
• 16:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: the perfect or the thing that you're like whatever your trigger is.
• 16:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: So like the hyper independence or the people pleasing or it's not like you're like you just like overcome it and it's behind you and you'll never do it again.
• 16:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's like I think that like it still comes up in different levels or different ways and you have to go, oh, I recognize it a little sooner.
• 17:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like instead of taking days for me to get over it, like whatever it is, like I, it takes me an hour or it takes me five minute, I go, oh, that's me falling into that trap again.
• 17:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think it's so important to focus on that because one of the things that we do in our trainings is we help people with some emotion related conversations, which is basically every conversation we're ever going to have in life.
• 17:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when we think about some of these perfectionism and people pleasing and even overthinking or lack of delegation or whatever the behavior is.
• 17:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Usually that is tied to some emotional response that usually tied to anger sadness bear hurt or guilt, which are five major emotions, normally when we're talking about
• 17:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: what what the purpose is of these behaviors, we can tie it back to one of those five emotions.
• 17:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: So as we do the emotion work, the behaviors start to shift.
• 17:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And one of the biggest ones is fear, right?
• 17:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll ask people, what's the purpose of not delegating?
• 17:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm afraid it won't get done as good if I do it or I'm afraid like somebody will see it and it won't be mine and then that'll trigger this imposter or whatever it is, right?
• 18:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when we're talking about this, understanding what we're actually feeling when we experience those behaviors is so incredibly important so we can deal with those emotions.
• 18:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I think also being able to tap into what the purpose of those behaviors are.
• 18:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So whenever somebody that I'm working with has a behavior like perfectionism or lack of delegation or whatever that it is, I'll ask them what's the purpose of this.
• 18:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they're like, well, it doesn't serve a purpose.
• 18:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my response is always it must or else you wouldn't do it.
• 18:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because yeah, free behavior has an intention.
• 18:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what is it that you're gaining or avoiding by doing these behaviors?
• 18:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because that's where the real work is done.
• 18:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: Ah, this as a habits coach that's the same thing like B. J. Falkway study with he said there's no such thing as a bad habit because every habit serves you if you don't like a habit that you have that's okay, but there's no there's not good or bad it's just yeah like they all either the providing certainty or safety or there's a
• 19:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: A actual positive feeling you're getting from it in your brain, even if you don't like that you do it.
• 19:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: If you don't like that you scroll, there's something that you're getting that's a dopamine hit that your brain is like this makes me feel good.
• 19:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Now, to unravel that, if we have to figure out what the prompt is and we have to figure out, you know, how do we get that same similar feeling with something else that you actually do want?
• 19:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: But I thank you for why that journey.
• 19:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Can I ask, I think some of that stuck out, and we don't have to talk about this if I want to, but you mentioned that going to law schools like a trauma response, I feel like most people wouldn't think that going and taking yourself to school would be a trauma response.
• 19:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: I guess I'm wondering, like,
• 19:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: What are some trauma responses that people might not realize that like that's a trauma response that they be doing?
• 19:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like can we talk a little bit about trauma responses?
• 19:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, absolutely.
• 19:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm an open book.
• 20:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I will go anywhere you want to go.
• 20:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let me give an example.
• 20:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this is when I started to realize that it was kind of a trauma response.
• 20:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have a really good friend of mine that I did a podcast interview with.
• 20:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: about four years ago when I first started my podcast these one of the first people that I met in the personal development space and one of the reasons we connected is because we had so many similarities in our life so if you took away our names and our identities and our genders
• 20:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he looked at just the dots that were important to our identity.
• 20:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: We both had a history of suicide in our family.
• 20:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: We both lost our dads at the age of 18.
• 20:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: We both had siblings that we felt like relied on us.
• 20:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: There were these things that were identical to who we were.
• 20:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yet I went to law school and he went to jail.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: He became a drug addict.
• 20:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: He has turned his life around now and he's clean and sober.
• 20:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: yet people look at him and they say you're such a screw up and people look at me and they say you're so successful.
• 21:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: What they don't realize is we were numbing the same thing.
• 21:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Academic accomplishment was my numbing mechanism.
• 21:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I did enough, if I focused on something else then I wouldn't have to feel.
• 21:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: what I was going through.
• 21:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that we fall into this trap of thinking that because our, and I'm really careful when I compare this, because our addiction is socially acceptable.
• 21:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 21:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: We convince ourselves that it's healthy, right?
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it's not.
• 21:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: We are still numbing.
• 21:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're, I mean, obstacle course very saying that I did for a really long time,
• 21:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: At some point in time, we get to feel the fields.
• 21:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: At some point in time, we get to just be human and be enough without feeling like we need to be or do or become something more.
• 21:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we feel that way, when we feel like I am enough right now, then the things that we want to do and become become additional exciting opportunities for us instead
• 22:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: and I think that's the difference.
• 22:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when we when I look at law school as a trauma response, the only reason I can say that it was one is because I didn't go to law school because I wanted to go to law school.
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I went to law school because it was the post of fix or stop the pain of something and anytime we do one thing because it's supposed to make us not hurt.
• 22:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that there's some trauma in there and that doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
• 22:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: It just means we get to
• 22:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: My yoga teacher was, I didn't even know my podcast.
• 22:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: And his talk, he was talking about like, everyone's labeled things as good in art and bad.
• 22:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: And he's like, that's just not really how it works.
• 22:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: He's like, you can't have happiness with that sadness.
• 22:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: You can't, like, all these things have to exist.
• 22:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: For you to feel happy, you have to have felt pain.
• 22:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, that's the only way you can do it, which I think is really interesting that we were taught like success.
• 22:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: He was happiness and happy people don't feel pain.
• 23:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's not true.
• 23:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: But he also said, like,
• 23:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, in our society, we tend to think, oh, someone who drinks wine at the end of the night is numbing, and that's bad.
• 23:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: But actually, like, there's been a lot of people who've even said like many pills, he said it.
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's some else who's like, if that glass of wine helps you relax after a hard day, and it allows you to connect with your family and it allows you to talk to them and to be fun.
• 23:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: It might not be bad.
• 23:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: Now, if it's you're doing it every night to numb from the pain of work and also ignore your family, then it's not really serving you.
• 23:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Then it's so like we do have responses to things and as long as we're evaluating how is this actually serving us?
• 23:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: Is it serving us?
• 23:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: Is it actually serving the people that we say we love?
• 23:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Then we need to stop being so hard on ourselves about some of the things that we're doing and that some things that we might not deem healthy are really healthy because I actually really liked you
• 23:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, I have a really after living in LA and living around unhoused people first long as I did just it's really it's like nails on a talkboard when someone says that they're lazy.
• 24:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Why don't they go get help?
• 24:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: Why don't they use resources?
• 24:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it's just like we have no idea what their life was that led them here.
• 24:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Most people who are mentally healthy do not choose to live on the streets.
• 24:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you know, like most people.
• 24:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And only that, like I love that we went here and I'm going to piss some people off here in just a minute.
• 24:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: So remember, you love me.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just did a keynote in Nashville in March and my keynote is every victim needs a villain.
• 24:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's so easy for us to look at people who live on the street as being a victim and be the person that's like, why don't you do this or why don't you do this?
• 24:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: What about the person that wakes up pissed off at their job every single day and doesn't
• 24:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: What about the person that wakes up and doesn't run their business the way that they want to or that they could in order to make more money?
• 24:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: What about the person that wakes up without good relationships with their family and then allows those relationships to destroy them inside?
• 25:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because they have a roof over their head doesn't mean that they're any less of a victim than anybody else.
• 25:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we get to sit back and say, yeah, it's really easy for us to sit here and judge this type of victim because we can look at them and we can identify that they are not societally acceptable, but your type of victim whatever it is your victim of because I promise you every single person is a victim of something.
• 25:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's love less easy for us to look internally and say, what am I not taking control of in my own life.
• 25:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, gosh, but a great TED Talk and also like I think like what came to my mind is like a lot of people are like, well, my problems aren't as bad as so it's not that big a deal.
• 25:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that works double sorted wise, right, because number one, my problems aren't as bad as this, so I don't need to deal with them.
• 25:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's really unfortunate because the person who is living on a house didn't wake up one day and live on house, they were not that bad problems that started it, right.
• 25:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: But second of all the other side of that is when it comes time to become something great.
• 26:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: We also use that to say, well, my life didn't have the transforming moments because my problems weren't that bad, so I don't have anything to share with the world.
• 26:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we get to just stop comparing ourselves in general and say, there's this thing that I don't like about what's going on right now and regardless of whether somebody else has it worse, I still get to deal with this thing.
• 26:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I want to tangent just a little bit because you mentioned something earlier that I want to make sure that we dig into, which is the success happiness thing.
• 26:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're on my mind.
• 26:37
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 26:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: So we're going here next.
• 26:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Poxic, happiness and toxic positivity culture that some people live in.
• 26:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I.
• 26:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely despise affirmations the way that they are traditionally taught, which is standing front of a mirror and tell yourself you're pretty until you believe it because this fake it till you make it mentality doesn't work and if I don't think that I have self-worth and I don't think I'm pretty and I don't think like that I'm capable of whatever then standing in front of a mirror and lying to myself about it isn't going to do a goddamn thing except for convinced myself I'm a liar.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 27:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, the greatest of like distance.
• 27:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: So yeah, that's why this is not called they could tell you make it.
• 27:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 27:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, that's what you said love and love.
• 27:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we get to pay attention to what that voice is.
• 27:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you stand in front of a mirror and you say I can have a seven figure business, I can have an eight figure business.
• 27:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is that voice tell you?
• 27:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because instead of just telling that voice, it's wrong.
• 27:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: We get to understand where does that voice as beliefs come from and and heal whatever that is that makes us believe that.
• 27:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So and I'm not saying like so the best way that I've ever seen affirmations done is to say this is who this is what I want to accomplish.
• 27:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is who I need to be in order to accomplish it.
• 27:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this is who I think I am now so that you can see the gap between them to become it.
• 27:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then your affirmations become things about yourself that you are in control of that you are committed to being in order to level up to that next step of your life.
• 28:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's the first side.
• 28:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: The other side is this toxic positivity and happiness.
• 28:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, if somebody else looks at me and says, just think happy thoughts, I'm going to shove them through a glass window.
• 28:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, so I want people to hear this because especially in the clickbait side of personal development, there's like just feel better about yourself.
• 28:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 28:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's great.
• 28:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for the million dollar advice.
• 28:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like when someone says, well, you know, calm down.
• 28:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 28:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's like the same.
• 28:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: The same this response happens.
• 28:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think like as we know, as you and I know on the other side of things, yes, you can always look back on a rear view mirror and go, that shitty situation was a great thing to help me pivot.
• 28:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: but while you're in the shitty situation, what you don't need to hear is just think happy thoughts.
• 28:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: This is gonna be great.
• 28:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like this is no, no one needs to hear that from you.
• 28:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: They can come up with it themselves, but at first they do have to fill the feelings of the shitty situation.
• 29:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and when I hear that, so the one for me that really resonates in the reason I laughed is because when I was suffering from panic attacks, I would love it.
• 29:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: When people would say, Amber, just breathe.
• 29:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, have you ever had a panic attack?
• 29:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm telling you, that's what I'm not capable of doing right now.
• 29:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I would love to just breathe.
• 29:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: You make it sound so simple.
• 29:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: like it takes every thought that I have in every ounce of focus to get air in my lungs right now.
• 29:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: So just breathing doesn't seem as easy as you make it sound, but I think the other side of this just think happy thoughts comment that you made is it makes us feel like we're doing something wrong or that we are wrong because we're not okay.
• 29:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it is okay to not be okay.
• 29:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just not okay to stay not okay, right?
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I got a water bottle at a conference I went to once that said nobody drowned by falling in the water.
• 29:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: They drowned by staying there.
• 29:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, like, we get to acknowledge, like, I'm not okay right now.
• 29:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: How long am I going to allow myself to not be okay?
• 30:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And...
• 30:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Where do I need to be and who do I need to be around in order to be okay?
• 30:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So in this vein, I encourage all of my clients to create an SOS list and I actually encourage them if they have an iPhone to go into their text replacement and come up with an SOS phrase and replace SOS with their SOS phrase.
• 30:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So for example, mine is I'm stuck at the airport because my SOS moments are normally overthinking.
• 30:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember talking to a good friend of mine and I was venting about what direction I was going to take my business.
• 30:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was tired of constantly feeling like I was having the same conversations about growth and not taking action in all the bullshit.
• 30:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I said, you know what I feel like?
• 30:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I said, I feel like I'm stuck at the airport.
• 30:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she says, what do you mean by that?
• 30:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I said, I feel like somebody has given me an all-expense, golden ticket paid vacation to anywhere that I want to go in the world.
• 30:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: All I have to do is pick the plane that I'm going to get on, but instead of actually choosing a plane, I'm standing in front of the departure sport, looking at which one that I want to do over analyzing every decision, and then I become Tom Hanks living in an airport, right?
• 31:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So for me, any choice I made would be a better choice than what I'm doing right now, but I'm so overthinking it that I can't express what I want.
• 31:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I think that what's important is when we're in those moments, we are sometimes so in our thoughts that we don't know how to ask for help.
• 31:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if you have that close-knit group of friends that you can say you are on my SOS list, if I text you and say I'm stuck at an airport, I am in my shit.
• 31:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So whatever your phrase is,
• 31:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: what you'll find and what's beautiful is that the moment you send that message your brain knows that it's okay and you will normally have the answers that you're looking for before they even call you back.
• 31:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's that decision to ask for help that allows your brain to say, okay, now I can see solutions.
• 32:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if you find yourself in those places, pick two or three people, reach out to them, get their permission, then I'm going to put you on what's called my SOS list.
• 32:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is my SOS phrase.
• 32:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is what it means to me.
• 32:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I ever send this to you, it just means that in that moment, I really need somebody to check on me, because I don't know how to ask for help.
• 32:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh my God, that is so good.
• 32:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I love that so much, because it makes me think of like,
• 32:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: Bernay Brown said, like, I have five people.
• 32:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: I have a name of five people in my life who's opinions of a matter, and they know that their opinion is a matter.
• 32:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: And if I have bad feedback or something comes up, I look at that list and it's like, okay, well, they're not my five-person list.
• 32:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: So who are they?
• 32:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it makes me think of that.
• 32:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's like having these lists of people that can help us because it is hard to fall in the water, not judge yourself or fall in in the water, not
• 32:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: get frustrated that you're back in the water.
• 32:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then you're like, okay, well, I get to fill my feelings.
• 32:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then somehow, it gets to come to habit and you're still in the water, right?
• 32:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I really do like that, like, we get to fall on the water.
• 33:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: We can actually fill these feelings.
• 33:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then when we're ready to get up and ask, like, we have a way of asking for help, which isn't like, I need help right now.
• 33:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because that is so, the recurring perfectionist in the world.
• 33:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, that is like, that's like a, that's a four-letter word, it's, I need to, yes.
• 33:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, because a lot of this perfectionist thing comes from, you know, everybody's different.
• 33:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I hate lumping behavioral traits into this is where they come from, but I've seen some trends.
• 33:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of it comes from believing that we had to be something in order to be valued and loved and worthy of connection, right, that just ourselves wasn't.
• 33:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if we are in perfect, that means that we're unlovable.
• 33:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I find that there's a lot of that connection between perfection and, and then the, at the other thing that I love right now is the word clarity, because I see that everywhere, and I remember it's a child's authentic moment clarity.
• 33:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, like my coach kept saying, so when you're going to take action and I said, I just need some clarity, just need some clarity and I didn't realize how much I said it and I'll never forget her telling me Amber, you realize clarity is just the word perfection is used to not use the word perfection.
• 34:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I love you.
• 34:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: I look coach who said a certain teeth perfection disguise.
• 34:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, oh, you're right.
• 34:21
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like it's right.
• 34:23
  [SPEAKER_03]: Like I'm so rough.
• 34:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: I need it.
• 34:25
  [SPEAKER_03]: I hate it when you're right.
• 34:27
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, you're like, I know that.
• 34:28
  [SPEAKER_03]: I knew that.
• 34:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's this video, this is what I feel like when I talk to my coach sometimes there's this video of a little boy I'll have to send it to you and you can put it in the show notes.
• 34:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's hilarious a little boy and you know those slides that we grew up with like not the safe ones that kids have today but the metal ones that you are either going to burn your ass on when you go down or you are going to end up bruised because you went so fast that you hit the gravel.
• 35:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I was watching a video of this little maybe six year old boy and he's walking towards this death slide that we grew up with and he's carrying a blue toboggan behind him and you can see it in his little six year old boy brain.
• 35:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's going to climb up that there's a slide and ride the toboggan down this metal death slide and his mom's videoing and I love this so much
• 35:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: and his responses.
• 35:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know you told me that lots of days and so I feel like every single time my coach says something to me that makes sense.
• 35:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, you tell me this all the time, I know I'm still going to take my blue tobog and up my deathfly to figure out how this works in my own damn choices and then you and I are going to figure out how to fix the outcome.
• 35:52
  [SPEAKER_03]: Oh my god, please send it.
• 35:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: We have to link it and also it's, it's, well, I mean, so I apply the instructor, I was teaching someone in my group who's in my mentorship program, who's trying to uplevel her teaching.
• 36:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I was giving her some practice, I know, but like, I should be able to do it by now and I'm like, okay, hold on.
• 36:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like,
• 36:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: I know that you know what the exercise is supposed to look like.
• 36:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: I know that you've been doing this for years, and your body has been able to cheat its way through this.
• 36:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I also know that you signed up to no longer do that.
• 36:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: The problem is that your body wants to do the easiest thing, because it's just that's it's trying to conserve calories.
• 36:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's literally trying to conserve calories.
• 36:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: So we know that the new way, the better way, the stronger way,
• 36:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: is better.
• 36:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: But to rewire our brain to do it that way, to do it that way is going to take more calories.
• 36:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: So our body wants to do the easiest way.
• 36:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think like us, you know, use clarity or search and you have these other the perfectionist person of us is like, okay, I'm not.
• 36:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to work on being in perfect.
• 36:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then our brain's like, oh, look at this thing over here.
• 37:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: This is a great way to like hide out.
• 37:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because it's harder, it's more calorie consuming, it's more awareness, it requires more thought to actually not like to actually live in that imperfect place and like be willing to make a mistake or be willing to go on the wrong flight or be it is requires more calorie so our brains on bodies are very good at sneaking around and taking shortcuts.
• 37:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love it.
• 37:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And one of the things that's coming to my mind right now, and I think I'm going to go do this.
• 37:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've never done it before.
• 37:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think I'm going to, and I would encourage some of your listeners to do it.
• 37:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to know how it goes.
• 37:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to leave my house without a plant one day.
• 37:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I just want to find out where I end up.
• 37:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And maybe since we're both in Vegas, we can leave our houses without a plan together.
• 37:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And just figure out what choices present themselves to us and where we end up when we don't have a expectation of how our day is going to turn out.
• 37:58
  [SPEAKER_03]: Okay, we're starting to do this.
• 38:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: I have three months in town.
• 38:01
  [SPEAKER_03]: So let's set a date where we're this and then and then we'll have a date the next day to talk about it, right?
• 38:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: What opportunities do we miss and and I'm not telling people they shouldn't plan like am I my schedule is like completely planned out.
• 38:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: because it's important to.
• 38:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I also think that every now and then we need days where we just figure out where we would end up if we didn't have expectations about what the day would look like.
• 38:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: What would we say yes to and what opportunities do we miss when we're so focused on something else?
• 38:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, because I mean like when we go on vacation, some people can't have a vacation day that's not over planned.
• 38:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: My husband, I went on vacation earlier this year after our big tour art tour was
• 38:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: 8,000 miles like 22 cities, 47 events like every day is planned out otherwise we don't make it on the tour on time.
• 38:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: So we have a vacation that's planned after every tour and I took them to this hotel I love and we literally laid by the pool and I got so I read two books and I got so bored I was okay.
• 38:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm really bored now.
• 38:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: It would be a good time for us to do something else and he's like, what do you want to do?
• 39:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, I don't know.
• 39:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: Why don't we just drive into town and see what we see?
• 39:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, had the best time wandering around a town, you know?
• 39:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: But like, like, we do this more on vacations ideally.
• 39:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: Relax and you have.
• 39:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: But like, we don't ever do it like on a on a day that normally we plan out or in our own towns.
• 39:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: It makes me think of artists.
• 39:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I love it.
• 39:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 39:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's do it.
• 39:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I also want to share for those of because we've talked so much about perfection.
• 39:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love and and I would encourage if your listeners are artistic, they can, they can do this or they can go like find a picture on the internet, but whenever a friend of mine or a client of mine talks to me about perfection, I'll ask them to introduce me to their unicorn.
• 39:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they'll be like, what are you talking about?
• 39:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I said, well, if we're going to talk about things that don't exist, then we might as well talk about unicorns, right?
• 39:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, like, just think about, like, we would never say, I can't go do something today because I have to take care of my unicorn.
• 39:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then we'll be like, that is out, like, that's so dumb.
• 40:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like unicorns don't exist exactly, exactly my friend.
• 40:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: Amber, I was like, okay, I have one more question because I would love, I mean, I get, I feel like I get this asked all the time and we brought up success enough, like, how, how do you define success now, because I'm assuming it's changed since it's no, it has absolutely changed.
• 40:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Rich to be happy and not helping.
• 40:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, freedom, which I know really is in a definition.
• 40:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love when people define words with other non-defined words, so I'll go a little bit deeper on that.
• 40:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: For me, I love knowing that if I wanted to pick up and go to Nashville for a month, I can pick up and go to Nashville for a month.
• 40:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I have a friend who needs me or if my family needs me, I might uncle passed away or I'm sorry my cousin passed away in August and I was able to just go stay with my aunt or I call in my uncle.
• 40:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is why it's so hard.
• 40:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's so much older than me.
• 40:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: But either way, I was supposed I was able to go stay with his wife for a little bit and not have to worry about work because.
• 41:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I could travel.
• 41:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So location, freedom, and independence is so incredibly important to me.
• 41:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then feeling like I'm in control, you know, not necessarily not having responsibilities, one of my coaches quotes that I steal from her all the time.
• 41:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'll give her credit is choices of powerful things suffering as always optional.
• 41:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when I step back and I say whatever happened today.
• 41:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was in complete control of my choices in how I spent my day.
• 41:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if I am not happy with the way my time was spent, then I get to look at my choices to determine how I'm going to avoid repeating that again in the future where did I spend time that I didn't want to spend time.
• 41:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: So time and location freedom is my definition of success right now.
• 41:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: I do love that.
• 41:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: I do love that.
• 41:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, we could obviously talk for hours.
• 41:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: We're gonna take a brief break and then we're gonna find out how people can find you.
• 42:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: Follow you work with you.
• 42:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sounds good.
• 42:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: All right, Amber.
• 42:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: We'd like to hang out where are all the places people can hear your amazing words of wisdom more.
• 42:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, first of all, I have a free Facebook group, which we are revitalizing.
• 42:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's been pretty dormant for a while, and I'm committed to changing that.
• 42:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, if you want to be a part of that revitalization, called the Break Your Bullship Box community on Facebook, so you can go check that out there.
• 42:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Other than that, socials and the book and all of that stuff is on my website, that's developmentsolutions.com.
• 42:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Amazing.
• 42:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Amazing.
• 42:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, you have actually given us so much.
• 42:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's a few things I'm like, well, that's a beat action.
• 42:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, that's a beat action.
• 42:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: But for the, for the bold, execute little intrinsic target steps, people can take to be, until they see it, what do you have for us?
• 42:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: You can take from what we've already gone over or you can add more.
• 42:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I think the first thing that I would say is if any of your listeners are interested in taking that next step, I do have an online 90 day succession jumpstart training that starts to get you into some really actionable steps.
• 43:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if they're interested in that, they can go to jumpstart dot success development solutions dot com the actionable piece that I really want to leave people with is an understanding that you have complete control like you make decisions every single day, whether you realize you make decisions.
• 43:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if there's anything that you are not 100% happy with in your life, then we get to dig into what decisions you're making to create that, because avoiding making a decision is still a decision.
• 43:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what choices are you making and how can we make different choices?
• 43:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's the actionable piece I would leave them with.
• 43:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Love, love, love.
• 43:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: Amber, so fun.
• 43:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, we have a date to make about our unplanned day.
• 43:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then also a date just to be in person.
• 43:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: You're wonderful, amazing.
• 43:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: You guys share this with a friend who needs to hear it.
• 43:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: Share this with that people, please, friend who doesn't realize that they are.
• 43:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: They won't know that we told them to do that until they get to this part.
• 44:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then yes, that was for you.
• 44:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: And make sure that you share any takeaways with Amber or the be of hot.
• 44:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: We want to hear from you.
• 44:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: We want to hear what your takeaways are.
• 44:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: And until next time you know to do, be it till you see it.
• 44:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's all I got for this episode of the be it till you see a podcast.
• 44:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review.
• 44:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: And follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcasts.
• 44:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Beat Pot on Instagram.
• 44:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: I would love to know more about you, share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it, help us and others be a tell you see it.
• 44:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: Have an awesome day!
• 44:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Be it till you see it is a production of the blue pod cast network.
• 44:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at plus one three one oh nine oh five five three four or send a DM on Instagram at be it pod.
• 44:57
  [SPEAKER_04]: It's written, filmed, and recorded by your host, Leslie Logan, and me, Brad Crowell.
• 45:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: It is transcribed, produced, and edited by the epicteam at Desenio.co.
• 45:06
  [SPEAKER_04]: Our theme music is by Ellie at Apex production music, and our branding by designer and artist John Franco Chilfe.
• 45:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.
• 45:16
  [SPEAKER_04]: Also to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website.
• 45:21
  [SPEAKER_04]: And finally, the Meredith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.