Latest / The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast / Nobody Likes You When You’re 83

Transcript

Nobody Likes You When You’re 83 · The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, friends. Here we are again. Isn't this fun? Let's keep getting together in my car.
• 0:06
  Being cute. Yeah. Okay. What do you want first? The depressing story or the depressing story?
• 0:11
  The depressing one? Okay. Yeah. Got it. No problem. That's what friends are for. Am I right?
• 0:18
  I have no friends. I have no friends.
• 0:20
  I texted a co-worker and I said, hey, do you have a teaspoon of allspice?
• 0:24
  And she said, normally I would, but I'm at the dentist. And I wrote back, does she have any?
• 0:30
  No friends. Like, seriously, not even fucking one. All right,
• 0:34
  quick, quick story, okay?
• 0:36
  It was my mom's birthday, end of September. She's 83 years young.
• 0:41
  And bring the kids over there.
• 0:44
  I didn't have my key, so I started just working in the garden,
• 0:47
  waiting for my sister to come.
• 0:48
  And, yeah, get inside. And my mom's leg looks like it would make this sound.
• 0:57
  Like it was red and swollen. And I noticed a big gash on her heel.
• 1:04
  And I thought, well, that's not good.
• 1:06
  Right? As one would. Am I right? Yeah.
• 1:09
  That is not a good look for an 83rd birthday party for a diabetic who has somehow,
• 1:15
  survived 11 or 18 near-death experiences.
• 1:19
  I thought, no, it's not good. I said, what's wrong with your leg?
• 1:22
  She's like, nothing. And I'm like, that looks like something.
• 1:27
  She's like, no, no, it's nothing. It's a fine. It's a fine. I'm a good.
• 1:30
  It's a fine. I was like, fuck.
• 1:32
  Okay. So I call my sister and I'm like, listen, her leg looks,
• 1:35
  I'm going to venture, what word do I want to use? I want to say terrifying,
• 1:39
  but it's not like terrifying.
• 1:41
  Terrifying it's concerning it looks concerning and she's like yeah yeah I'm
• 1:47
  like did you see this yesterday she's like no no I'm like so it's moving pretty quickly then
• 1:51
  yeah yeah yeah like I looked at my mom I'm like listen we're gonna have to call
• 1:54
  an ambulance and she's like no you're not and I'm like oh yes I am and then guess what she said,
• 2:01
  that's right she said no you're not and so I did,
• 2:05
  I did and,
• 2:07
  she did not like that my mom did not like that in fact and you know the fire trucks come first.
• 2:11
  And they're like, you know, they're a friendly group overall. Oh, I went down.
• 2:16
  Okay, sorry. Sorry, that was my mom calling. See, she can sense.
• 2:19
  She can sense when I'm talking shit. She's gonna fucking kick my ass.
• 2:24
  Okay, firefighters come. Listen, I don't know how you respond to highly stressful
• 2:29
  situations, but I think it's from all the sitcoms I grew up watching as a kid
• 2:33
  because no one loved me and no one took me to activities like I do for my kids,
• 2:37
  and I just watch TV all the time.
• 2:39
  So these terrible situations happen, and then I start saying stupid shit,
• 2:43
  you know? And like, firefighters are smart. Don't get me wrong.
• 2:45
  I'm not saying they're not smart, but they're not doctors or nurses. They're smart.
• 2:49
  They see some fucked up shit a lot of the time, but they're not able to fully
• 2:53
  diagnose from my experience.
• 2:55
  And unfortunately, I've had a bit of experience with this. Anyway,
• 2:58
  some of these guys, and like, I don't know when it was, like,
• 3:01
  when did it start to be cool to look like Ned Flanders?
• 3:04
  I'm not sure when that happened, but it's, it's happened.
• 3:07
  Like it's, it's definitely, definitely happened.
• 3:11
  I'm going to turn right here. I don't know where this goes. sorry,
• 3:13
  I just thought I'd tell you that. Anyway, they get in and there's a very serious
• 3:16
  looking woman. So of course I zoom in on her, like I'm focused on her because
• 3:21
  I have to, I have to crack that nuts. And she's talking and stuff.
• 3:25
  And I was like, oh, and she's like, they're trying to tell her like,
• 3:27
  yeah, you got to go to the hospital. And she's like, no, no.
• 3:30
  And I'm like, look, you got to go. And she looked at me. Okay.
• 3:35
  This is going to become family lore now. Do you know when you make the okay sign?
• 3:39
  Okay. I want you to make an okay sign. And then I want you to point the tips of your three fingers.
• 3:44
  At something. And she did that to me. And she goes in Italian,
• 3:49
  just wait till I catch you.
• 3:51
  And I looked at her and I said, well, hop on over. And she did not like that.
• 3:57
  And the fire lady looked at me and I'm like, she's pretty mad.
• 4:02
  She's pretty mad. And she's like, yeah, yeah. She doesn't want to go.
• 4:05
  I'm like, no, no. But I said, she's got to go.
• 4:07
  Otherwise, we're going to have to get her a parrot and an eye patch to go with that peg leg.
• 4:11
  And she went, and I was like yeah maybe that you know because like as if firefighters
• 4:17
  don't have a dark sense of humor all the fucked up shit they have to see come
• 4:20
  on come on anyway I got her is the point how's my mom she's fine,
• 4:25
  she was real mad she didn't in fact catch me and
• 4:29
  she was only in the hospital for two nights and they gave her like IB antibiotics
• 4:33
  she went home and pill antibiotics and listen I know I've complained a shit
• 4:37
  ton about the Canadian medical system because I've found it infuriating
• 4:41
  many, many times, many times.
• 4:43
  And I'm not saying that the American system is better. I don't know.
• 4:46
  I just have it in my brain that like, it's faster, but it also will bankrupt
• 4:52
  you. And maybe it's not as great.
• 4:54
  I just have like, you know, Grey's Anatomy, or it's all sparkly clean.
• 4:57
  And then it's very beautiful people making decisions and stuff.
• 5:01
  Oh, and one of my favorite parts is when one of the firefighters goes,
• 5:05
  Oh, does that look like neck fascia to you. And I guess they don't know that
• 5:09
  people know what that means. Like, if you don't know what that means,
• 5:12
  it's, I think, necrotizing fasciitis.
• 5:15
  It's like a flesh-eating bacteria.
• 5:17
  Yeah, not, you know, it's not what I wanted to hear at that time.
• 5:21
  And thank Christ, it wasn't. But I did look it up. And my mom ended up with cellulitis. Okay.
• 5:25
  Now, don't confuse it with gingivitis. It's cellulitis. If it goes unchecked
• 5:30
  in a diabetic, it can lead to necrotizing fasciitis, which is like not the best, ideally.
• 5:36
  Yeah. Anyway, what I was saying is, because we live in Canada,
• 5:40
  there's a wound care nurse that goes around and all she does is like,
• 5:42
  you know, take care of wounds.
• 5:44
  To get people out of the hospital and back at home where my mom wanted to be.
• 5:49
  And I haven't really seen her on account of my cunt sister came back and I have
• 5:52
  a strict no cunts policy outside of myself.
• 5:56
  No outside cunts. Okay. I'm not going there. She came back to ruin my mom's
• 6:01
  birthday. And then she also is staying to ruin Thanksgiving.
• 6:04
  It's Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend. Okay. So yeah. So you're up to speed.
• 6:07
  I mean, I don't know what level of exhaustion and depression this is,
• 6:11
  it's pretty intense. It's pretty intense.
• 6:13
  And I know I bitch about my job. I know I do. I'm sure I have.
• 6:17
  Maybe not on here, but I have in my life.
• 6:19
  But let me tell you, am I ever thankful for my job on account of how it forces
• 6:24
  me to walk as fast as I can safely, because I love safety.
• 6:27
  But very lucky in that regard to have something this physical to wear me out.
• 6:31
  Because if I didn't, I think I would really not do well mentally.
• 6:37
  And I'm already not doing well mentally.
• 6:39
  Yeah, like this is my best. I'm giving you my best. Anyway, I'm sure there's
• 6:42
  lots of other things I could be telling you about.
• 6:44
  Oh, for example, okay, I know this is very lesbian, but yada yada,
• 6:49
  I've been fixing lawnmowers, okay? And this lady's like, oh,
• 6:51
  you can just have this one.
• 6:53
  And I said, oh my god, thank you so much. That is so generous of you.
• 6:57
  And I went and picked it up. And it's just like a piece of shit.
• 7:00
  Like super lights made out of tin. It's got this shitty old fucking engines
• 7:03
  on it. It's like probably from 1995.
• 7:05
  And I thought, well okay so what like i'll see what it needs maybe it only needs
• 7:10
  like a few bucks worth stuff and i'll give it to someone else because i don't
• 7:12
  have fucking room for any more lawnmowers,
• 7:15
  I get it home and I start to take it apart and every single plastic component
• 7:19
  on it is scorched. Everything on it.
• 7:23
  Like the cable that runs from the spark plug to the coil completely burnt.
• 7:29
  And I messaged her and I was like, has this thing been on fire?
• 7:32
  Like, I was just so curious. Like, is there a story behind this?
• 7:36
  And her response was, not that I'm aware of.
• 7:39
  Okay i i'm pretty sure if i'm pretty sure that's not the right answer i feel
• 7:45
  like the correct answer to that question if in fact it is no is just plain no,
• 7:51
  not not that i'm aware of like what kind of fucking non-committal bullshit answer
• 7:56
  is that i feel like that means yeah but i'm not telling you well i picked up on it,
• 8:01
  on account of all the the springs are black every plastic bit is burnt.
• 8:05
  Like, why did you, why did you give this to me? I just, I don't understand people.
• 8:10
  It's right up there with when people give me bottles of water that have been
• 8:13
  opened and some of the water is missing.
• 8:16
  Like, sometimes it's just better to not, you know? Sometimes you better just
• 8:20
  don't because, I don't know, people are weird.
• 8:23
  So yeah, you know, I just want to bring you guys up to speed and I just want
• 8:27
  to rub my face a lot and lay in a dark room, but I can't because it's thanksgiving
• 8:33
  and i've got a bunch of people coming over yeah.
• 8:37
  Oh, Kate, this is my last rant. I do not have time to talk to you about this.
• 8:42
  I, I treat myself to Instacart Costco sometimes because I just don't have the
• 8:46
  bandwidth to go in there for many reasons. Like there's so many reasons that
• 8:50
  I fucking hate Costco and I think everyone else, everyone else does too.
• 8:54
  So I Instacart, but I know for a fact that the best time to Instacart Costco
• 9:00
  is in the morning when the moms are doing it. Is that sexist?
• 9:05
  Yeah I mean misandry is that what they call it when you fucking hate men like
• 9:08
  men don't belong in certain jobs like you know how men say that women shouldn't
• 9:11
  do certain things like I don't want to be a minor,
• 9:14
  because remember in the like 2010s when those minors were trapped underground
• 9:18
  I was like no that's not the fucking job I want because you know that the smallest
• 9:21
  twinkiest looking guy got raped,
• 9:23
  absolutely brutalized down there and they just don't talk about it like as a
• 9:27
  woman or half a woman or whatever you know I don't want those jobs,
• 9:31
  now as a woman I don't want a man shopping for me.
• 9:37
  And I'm not going to talk about what his nationality was, but I will say he
• 9:41
  is probably very unfamiliar with kitchens, with cooking, and with grocery shopping on the whole.
• 9:48
  So take that as you will. I'm sure that makes me racist, but culturally,
• 9:52
  a man in that culture would never be in a kitchen that I can imagine. Okay?
• 9:57
  And I texted Sarah, and I'm like, listen, I think we're making a mistake by
• 10:01
  not ordering this in the morning. And she said, well, I can't get there to get
• 10:04
  the groceries inside, so we have to do the afternoon.
• 10:06
  Yeah, sure enough, okay, so they only list certain things on the Costco Instacart.
• 10:11
  I know you guys are so fucking riveted right now. Like, hold on to your Birkenstocks,
• 10:15
  ladies, okay? Harness up those cats. Who the fuck knows where this story is going, right?
• 10:20
  Exactly where you fucking pick it is. Okay, so they only had organic turkeys,
• 10:24
  available, which are like pretty fucking expensive. Like, you know,
• 10:27
  80 bucks for like a 19 pound turkey.
• 10:30
  Kind of a lot, right? But in my opinion, I've cooked frozen turkeys,
• 10:35
  I've cooked fresh turkeys, fresh strickers are more forgiving.
• 10:38
  They dry out, takes a lot more to dry them out. And I'm a fucking terrible turkey
• 10:42
  cooker. Like I try real hard, but I make a lot of fucking gravy,
• 10:45
  if you know what I mean. Okay.
• 10:46
  It's about as dry as my vagina. That's disgusting. That's not funny. Okay.
• 10:51
  That is not, that is not funny. Is it true? None of your fucking business. All right.
• 10:55
  Anyway, so I, they only let you select the fucking organic turkey and these
• 11:00
  Instacart guys get paid a percentage of your total.
• 11:03
  Okay. So I'm like, okay, so I go, I click, I click,
• 11:07
  the organic turkey, but I leave a big note I do not want organic turkeys I want
• 11:12
  regular fresh turkeys 12 to
• 11:15
  14 pounds each because I've come to experience you cook two small turkeys
• 11:20
  they cook more evenly they cook faster that way otherwise your breast is dried
• 11:25
  out if you know what I mean and your and your
• 11:27
  dark meat is ready or vice versa the breast is fully moist,
• 11:32
  and the dark meat's not even cooked So this is what I found works for me. What happens?
• 11:37
  Not going to say any names, but this young gentleman gets there.
• 11:40
  And I said, please, I'm messaging him. I'm like, please message me when you get to the turkeys.
• 11:45
  He says, okay. He's like...
• 11:48
  Turkey's here and i'm like okay can you please send me a photo of the of the turkeys
• 11:53
  doesn't write me back 10 minutes go by i'm like hello he's like oh i'm in the
• 11:57
  car i'm driving to you and i was like did you get the turkeys thinking oh he
• 12:01
  must have read the note i put
• 12:03
  and the fact that i even in the messages said i do not want organic turkeys
• 12:08
  please get me a 12 to 14 pound like you know what i mean,
• 12:11
  he fucking gets my house drops all this shit off i look at the turkeys he got
• 12:14
  me two turkeys all right but he got the biggest fucking ones they had because
• 12:17
  they're 19 pounds like 9.8 kilos I don't even know I didn't do the math on that
• 12:21
  it's a fucking huge turkey okay,
• 12:23
  and not only that he got me both of them and they had leaked turkey blood all over,
• 12:28
  the bottom of the box and did he put the turkeys in a box by themselves no he
• 12:32
  put other items that I was planning on eating like say you know bananas and
• 12:38
  candies for Halloween all in that box so I took a picture.
• 12:42
  I bitched about it. Now, you know, what's going to happen? You know,
• 12:45
  what's going to happen? Am I going to hear from Instacart? Am I going to get a credit?
• 12:48
  Are they going to say, yeah, too bad. Go fuck yourself. You should have ordered
• 12:51
  in the morning when the moms were shopping. Maybe. Why can't we refuse a male shopper? Why?
• 12:57
  Not all men. I feel like Electric Gary could go shopping at Costco and like,
• 13:01
  read the notes. I just feel like, you know, not everyone is cut out for everything.
• 13:06
  Could I make it as a gym teacher? No. No.
• 13:09
  I don't usually like kids, and I would just be blowing the whistle all day and
• 13:13
  then, you know, pointing my finger very sternly onto my clipboard.
• 13:17
  But would I be teaching kids? No. Would I care about their health?
• 13:22
  Not really. No. So, you know, you got to just stay in your lane.
• 13:25
  Which stereotype are you going to be? Delivery personnel. It was the only option
• 13:28
  for me. The best option. Right?
• 13:31
  Yeah. Small engine repair. I'm getting there. I'm getting there.
• 13:34
  Just don't give me anything with self-propel because I'll just spin myself into
• 13:36
  a tizzy. Okay. Anyway, thank you so much for listening.
• 13:39
  Please let me know if you think that men should not be allowed to be Instacart shoppers.
• 13:44
  Because I just don't think so. And that doesn't make me racist,
• 13:47
  but it does make me mean and a little bit of a jerk.
• 13:51
  Okay, well, I can't wait to see what the fuck goes wrong this weekend.
• 13:54
  So yeah. All right, I'll keep you posted. Okay, thanks for having me.
• 13:57
  Now I get to go to work. Isn't that fun?
• 13:59
  Isn't that fun? And you know what's really fun? Is that's going to be the highlight
• 14:02
  of my day. Some days, the best part of my day is working.
• 14:05
  Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay, love you. Love you. Bye. Don't call me.
• 14:08
  Don't call. Don't write me anything. I hate emails. Don't send me emails. Don't. Okay.
• 14:13
  I hate that. Don't reach out. I don't know if I can do it. Okay, bye.