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What You Don't Need When You're Going Through Divorce - Part 2 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warandry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate, where I'm going to continue the conversation or the episode about the things you really don't need when you're navigating divorce.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Separation, divorce, reorganizing life and family afterwards.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's a really loaded, overwhelming, destabilizing time where we think we need all the things.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there really are some things that you can let go of, put down, release yourself from.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the second part of a two-part episode.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, I'd invite you to go back and listen to that first and then come back in here to this week's episode.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go with part two of all the things you don't need when you're navigating divorce.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a whole lot of people to know your inner stuff.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need lots of people to know all the details.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it close.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: You really don't need lots of people to know the nitty-gritty details.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's wise to keep it close, to keep it to your inner sanctum, your inner circle.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Some people will choose sides, and that might surprise you.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Some people won't be able to help themselves from sharing things that you've shared in confidence, and yes, sometimes even with your ex.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So choose that circle really wisely and keep it close.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Navigating divorce can feel really lonely and really isolating, but you absolutely don't need a massive crowd to support you.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, or fortunately, really, divorce will show you who you can rely on.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: The experience often really reveals who your true friends are, those who stand by you and those who don't or can't or just don't know how to.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: There will be freezing out, there will be social circle shifts and changes.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just let them happen.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You only need a handful in your inner circle.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: That small circle of trusted friends can provide all the emotional need, all the emotional support, I'm sorry, that you need without overwhelming you with advice or opinions.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Cherish and nurture those relationships because they're really invaluable.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: They are really invaluable.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Quality over quantity really, really matters here.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So seek out those and hold those close, the ones who really understand and get you and value you and can hold the space that you need for them, you need them to hold for you.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And don't worry if your inner circle is small.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: You really don't need a massive support crew.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need numbing, you don't need negative or harmful inputs.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You really don't need numbing, negative, or harmful input.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: So be really mindful of what you're putting into your body and into your mind and into your soul.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you don't need a couple of glasses of wine every single night to cope, or whatever your numbing choice is.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Often these numbing kind of habits spiral and lead to more harm, or at least simple avoidance, than facing what's real for you, or supporting you to move through that hard stuff and towards healing.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I would invite you instead to focus on nourishing yourself as I spoke about earlier: body, mind, spirit.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: What you need is nourishment, heart, soul, and body.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Good food, good tea, good conversation, good people, good energy, good movement.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, make that a priority.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Good food, hydration, uplifting activities, surrounding yourself with supportive people who bring that positive energy into your life.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean the toxic posity.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, they need to be able to hold space for you when you are sad, angry, pissed off, all the things, but but seek out positive inputs.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Engage in conversations that inspire and uplift you.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Consciously choose healthy inputs which enable you to build your capacity to cope with the hard parts, build your resilience and create that solid foundation for doing the hard stuff, emotional healing.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: So positive inputs, feed your body, your soul, your heart, your mind with solid, uplifting, healthy, helpful, loving inputs.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to pretend.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to pretend you're happy, you don't need to pretend you're over it, you don't need to pretend you're devastated.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to pretend to be or to be feeling anything other than what you are or to be anywhere other than right where you are right now.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to pretend that you're happy, that you're over it, that you're ready to date.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: You also don't have to pretend that you're sad or devastated if what you feel is actually relief and release.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need everyone or anyone to think you're happy or healed or even okay, just as you don't need anyone to think that you're falling apart with grief if you're actually not.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is not about anyone else, and it's not their story.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually about you and your unique emotional journey through a really hard season.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone will bring their own expectation, their own stories, their own judgment, but it's not about them, it's about you.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: No one else can tell you or know exactly where you're at or how you're feeling or where you should in inverted commas be, even you, because sometimes we tell ourselves that you know we should be over this part, we should be feeling better than this, we should be feeling different to this.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: But it's important, really important, to allow yourself to move through each part, whatever that part looks and feels like for you, and not to jump to the end and pretend that you're happy or you're healed.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you don't have to be anything or prove anything about your experience to anyone.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's really no one else's business, right?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're healing your journey.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important to allow yourself to be where your feet are, to feel whatever is coming up for you, to honour the true feelings and not you know project an image of happiness or readiness or sadness or devastation or do things that you're not ready to do, whether that's dating, whatever.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you are feeling sad, if you are feeling grief, know that good things are coming.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Happiness is coming for you, even if you're not there yet.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Peace, that end of the back and forth with lawyers, the end to that is coming for you, even if you're not there yet.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So accept that where you are right now is perfectly okay, and that there are other things coming for you.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Happiness is out there even if you can't see it or feel it just yet.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to pretend.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need everyone to love or even to like you.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not his sister, not his mother, not her friends, not the parents at school pick up, people at the gym, not even your own parents.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Mine didn't for quite a while, actually, but that's another story.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Some will take your ex's side, don't take that personally, it's on them.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Tend to yourself, like, love yourself and do the things that really foster your self-loving side.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself love and meaning.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need everyone to be on your side to love or even like you.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now is the time to really ditch your desire, your inner need to be liked, because not everyone is going to like your choices, to agree with your decisions.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: What matters here is that you like you, you like who you are and who you're becoming, you like and honour your choices and your decisions.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, divorce is challenging, it's uncertain, and it can be really tempting to constantly seek external validation from fans, from family, even from your ex's loved ones that they still like you, they still care for you, that they still hold you in high regard.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: However, wanting everyone to still like you, even love you, can actually be harmful to you because not everyone is going to take your side, not everyone is going to understand or appreciate your perspective, to see your point of view, to hold the same values or belief systems that you do, and that has to be okay for you.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also really important for you to model that being okay for your kids.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: You really have to let go of what others think or believe or feel about you and be okay with perhaps them not liking you.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be okay that you like, love, and believe in yourself.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So focus again, deep self-compassion, deep self-acceptance, and embracing who you are becoming and accept that not everyone's going to agree with your choices.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you chose the divorce, whether you didn't, there's a whole lot of other choices that are going to be made here, a whole lot of decisions.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not everyone's going to like or agree, agree with them, and that's okay.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Again and again, it comes back to you.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: The most important person you need to like, love, care for, and respect is you.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And those opinions and beliefs and values and choices and judgments of others, they don't get to be a part of this story.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: The opinions, beliefs, values, and choices that matter are yours.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's your life, and you actually get to create the future version of your life regardless of what that means in terms of other people liking your choices, liking you.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I'm not advocating being an arsehole here, but I am strongly advocating that you make decisions that are aligned with your core values, how you want to show up for yourself, for your kids in the world and the life that you're creating, the future you're stepping into, even if some of your people don't agree or can't accept the new version of you.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And expanding on that, the last thing that you don't need as you navigate separation, divorce, and life afterwards, misunderstandings or external opinions.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: No one else's ideas or opinions matter here.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I'm not saying being an asshole, and I'm not saying ignore the inputs, advice from your trusted inner circle, paid advisors and unpaid, but you don't need a thousand voices crowding out your own voice right now.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, build that team of supporters and cheerleaders, people who get it, who get you, and I'm more than happy to be one of those for you.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: So let's have a chat if you want me to be in your circle.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Build your team of supporters and cheerleaders so you have values-aligned, trusted people to talk to, and you don't have to cope with loud external opinions or misunderstandings.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: You want and need your sounding boards, but you don't need anyone who's going to whip you up into a frenzy of anger and bitterness and revenge at your ex, at the situation, or at yourself.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: You want calm, considered, empathic, understanding.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You want on your sideness.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the word is.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: You want people who are communicating from a perspective that is yes, objective, can show you the positives and the negatives of what you're thinking, can bring it bring a different uh viewpoint, but you don't need someone who will constantly drown you out with their own stories, their stuff, their anger, their judgments, their bitterness, their resentment, whatever it is.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need misunderstanding, external opinion, or anyone who's going to whip you into an emotional state that is unhelpful.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want or need to hear stories of devastating divorces, and let me tell you, there's plenty out there.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want someone who's going to reflect back to you all of their own prejudice, their fear, their conditioning.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you need open hearts, open minds.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: You want those who are on your side but also who won't let you fire up unnecessarily or flip side wallow too long in self-pity or self-judgment or self-blame.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: You want those who get it and get you on a really deep level and can objectively reflect back at you what your experience is, will gently call you out on your own bullshit if necessary, and who will be your biggest supporters, loudest cheerleaders.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: That strength you need when you don't think you can keep going or do that next hard thing when all you want to do is crawl back into bed and pull the covers over your head and retreat from the world.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: You need deep empathy, deep understanding, powerful cheerleading, empathic space holding, as a as well as just a little bit of fire for those parts of the journey that are just shitty and hard and that need to be acknowledged as such.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: So build that inner circle really wisely and well and shut out the misunderstandings, the noise, and the external opinions that aren't helpful.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, what you do need.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: What you do need going through divorce, and this is not going to come as any surprise to any of you who've listened for a while.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: You need a team.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: It really does take a village.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: So build your team really wisely, really well.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Again, if you would like me on your team or you'd like to have a conversation with me about what it looks and feels like to have me on your team, book an intro call by the link in the show notes and we can have a chat.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: You need a non-judgmental space.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: A space where you can bring all of it, share it, express it, thoughts, feelings, bring it all.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: And whether that's through coaching with me, therapist, a support group, or that trusted inner circle of friends, having that space to be vulnerable in a non-judgmental way is really, really crucial.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: You need a sounding board for all of it.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: That emotionally available, nurturing, objective sounding board that will be your lifeline through this process.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: You need that combination of a really safe, non-judgmental space with a sounding board so that you can be held, you can process what you need to process, but then you can have reflected back at you different perspectives, options, possibilities that can lead you to deeper insights, a deeper understanding, and also just a space to rant when you need to.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: You need expert objective guidance, choose them wisely.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know what you don't know, and your emotions can and often will cloud your judgment, and they can cloud the judgment of anybody emotionally involved, those close to you.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: So seek out the expert, objective guidance, support that you most need, whatever that is legal, financial, real estate, social, emotional, whatever you need.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Seek out those experts, choose them in a values-aligned way, as in, you know, make sure that whoever you choose to be on your team holds your values and use them, lean on them for objective advice and guidance when you know that your emotions potentially are getting in the way.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: You also need understanding from those who've been there ahead of you.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, yes, I say you don't need to hear the stories of somebody's devastating divorce, but it can be really helpful and deeply validating, supportive, all the things for you to have a perspective and see the hope and what's possible for you after this through someone else's lived experience.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I know my own personal lived experience is really powerful in my work with one-on-one clients, so while I do say don't get caught up in someone else's drama story of their divorce, sharing with others who've been there ahead of you, carefully, consciously chosen, can be really helpful.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: It helps you have a really solid vision of future possibility for yourself, for your family.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: It helps you know that you know other people have done this hard stuff.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've done it, many of my clients have done it, and you'll hear stories of clients in other episodes of the podcast.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: But really anchoring into other positive stories to inspire and trigger hope for you when it's really hard and feels really heavy and can be super supportive.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: But as I said, choose those people and those stories subconsciously so that they are positive, they are uplifting, and you're not getting dragged down into the vortex of someone else's devastating or destructive divorce.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, you do need deep emotional support.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is really hard and it's heartbreaking, and it rocks every part of you, every part of your life, even if you chose it.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: So that deep emotional support really is crucial.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: It'll help you process your grief, release whatever it is you need to release, come to a space where you can make conscious future focus decisions, maybe lead you through forgiveness, reframing, rebuilding your sense of self so you really can switch your focus to what's ahead, what's coming for you, what you're consciously creating, that future you want for yourself.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not just be held back or consumed by all that you're leaving behind, all the loss, and not held in an emotional state where you're not able to make those conscious and future-focused decisions.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: So you really do need some form of deep emotional support, however that looks for you, so that you can process all the stuff that's coming up.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be a lot, and as always, if you want me on your team, let's chat about how that can look.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can talk about it.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I always ask you this if you know someone who is sitting in indecision about a relationship or a marriage, or at the very beginning, thinking about separation, maybe they've just been told by their partner that it's over and they're in the messy, hard parts of separation or divorce.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Please please share the podcast with them.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: The more people who can access this information, find this support, the more families and couples we can support to divorce with less drama.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: So please share it with someone that you think may be supported by it.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here, and until next time, bye for now.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.