Latest / None of Your Business Podcast / Therapy Exposed: What Happens Behind Closed Doors

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Therapy Exposed: What Happens Behind Closed Doors · None of Your Business Podcast

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  Not only coming for one session a week, but sometimes twice a
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  week, sometimes double sessions. Sometimes also they're coming
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  for anxiety and then their wife has got something or their wife
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  has something and then they're the ones coming to therapy.
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  How to deal with that therapy? In general, as you know, for the
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  face value of it is having a friend.
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  Totally. Right now I could be myself.
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  I have nothing to prove to you. I don't have to impress you.
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  Where you actually have to come forward and share everything
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  with your spouse of every and every addiction you've done in
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  your history to finally reach sobriety.
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  Because when you're keeping secrets, it's going to impact
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  your marriage, your relationship.
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  You won't be able to heal. Welcome back everybody to
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  another fantastic episode of the None of Your Business podcast.
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  I'm your host, Michael Greenfield, joined by my Co host
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  Hoshi Schwartz. And today we have an amazing
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  guest, Mordechai Weinberger, who's with us, the leader of
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  Serenity Center, who's such an amazing sponsor of ours.
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  Funny fact, by the way, is that Maishi Schwartz, who was with us
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  on the podcast prior to this asked or a few podcasts ago, we
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  asked him like we asked every guest, you better be ready for
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  it to suggest a person as a guest for the next none of your
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  Business podcast and he. Picked you.
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  I'm honored. I didn't even know he knows you,
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  to be honest with you, when he picked you.
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  You guys weren't sponsors when we when we did it.
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  And is that why you do? We owe him a Commission?
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  And first of all, how do you know Maishi?
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  So Maishi is my brother-in-law, married my sister.
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  Oh. OK, so he picked someone in the
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  family. That's actually a very, very
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  good sign. So thank you, Maishi for
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  choosing you. That's we're, we're blessed to
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  have you here with us. And before we get into that,
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  thank you to our production team, Prime Source and of course
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  our sponsors, Serenity Center in Rockland County.
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  That's available for anyone that needs therapeutic services, most
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  of the time covered by insurance.
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  We make sure to mention that. Did I do OK with that little
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  plug? Absolutely.
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  OK. I appreciate that.
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  So let's get right into it. Who are you?
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  Give us a little bit of your background and let us have it.
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  So it's interesting, I started in the field 20 something years
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  ago in the alternative field. I mean, it's not licensed, not
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  going to therapy and everyone was like interested, like not
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  being licensed, some different modalities, even hypnosis, I got
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  trained in that. It's like very interesting.
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  After about doing it for a year, I am being successful and it's
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  time to get a prognosis. I think I'm going to go study
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  for my L sets and I'm going to be a lawyer, real estate lawyer.
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  Like that was sort of the the trajectory where I thought I'm
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  going as that's happening and as I'm studying and I'm doing
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  pretty well on the L sets, I'm going, but I love this.
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  And I really don't know a lot about diagnosis.
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  So I figured, let me consider doing that.
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  And I stopped meeting people and asking them, what do you say
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  about being a social worker? This one goes, my mother's a
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  social worker, my wife's a social worker, my sister's a
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  social worker. And they're like no man in the
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  field. Everyone's told me like, there's
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  no chance that you're going to make it in the field.
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  There's no need for male therapist.
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  There's no need for therapy in general.
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  This is going back 23 years ago, like therapy we don't need in
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  the from world we're OK. They're causing all the
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  problems. I still go for my social work
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  degree and it is so different getting a different perspective
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  from the alternative world to the social work world and I like
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  both worlds. We can even get into that like
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  how different they look at life and then that is really it's
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  taking off. It's being beyond successful
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  box. I'm helping a lot of people.
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  People are all coming privately, quiet, like no one has like
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  people. I had like a waiting list within
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  two years of like almost a six month to a year waiting list.
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  I'm going like something's wrong here and then prices are getting
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  higher and we got to help people.
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  One of the points I also noticed is that there's people are not
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  only coming for one session a week, but sometimes twice a
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  week, sometimes double sessions. Sometimes also they're coming
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  for anxiety and then their wife has got something or their wife
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  has something and then they're the ones coming to therapy.
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  How to deal with that and then children and also this is not
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  affordable. So while all that's going on and
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  I'm just realizing 10 years in the line, it's exploding,
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  waiting. Listen, like it's so hard
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  dealing with people saying please see me, please see my
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  family. You got to do something.
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  I realize I also need some more. We got to get awareness out
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  there. We can't have people going
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  behind the scenes. So I do what I call it, what I
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  call it analog is you guys are digital.
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  I had a phone line. I do a daily question and
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  answer. I did like radio shows, which
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  was then aired. It was like a pirated station in
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  Brooklyn, and it just took off. People are asking live questions
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  on a radio program, which was unheard of because we don't have
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  problems. So while that's exploding, my
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  waiting list is getting longer. But there's just only a limit to
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  what one person can do. And then I got to meet up with
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  one of our friends about six years ago, and I go, we've got
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  to do something to change it. And he says, you know something,
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  we'll team up with you. We'll open up an agency that
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  will be covered by insurance that you can have family members
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  coming, but we want quality work.
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  I'm not going to talk about in other places, but in other
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  places it's more like a factory. Like you're coming, you're
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  going, you're doing your work. And what we did is we're
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  focusing mostly on you're getting beginner therapist, but
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  beginner therapist, a lot of people.
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  But I also have like lived experience.
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  So you can have someone 40 going on a second on a second career.
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  So they've got wisdom, they have it, and now they're learning the
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  skills and the tips. So just to keep myself busy,
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  there's an entire agency going one day a week.
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  I keep my private practice, my skills because I got to go
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  through that when everyone loves you.
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  But once you're the therapist, why is not moving quick enough?
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  Why isn't that happening when you're 10 minutes late?
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  How can you not put me like, you got to be in touch, always
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  taking trainings. And while I launch this, I
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  realized I'm kind of bored. So to add on things, I went back
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  to college for my psychology degree.
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  I finished all the classes. I'm now on my last final year of
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  my dissertation. So I realized that you just need
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  the knowledge of just like I learned a lot from the
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  alternative world. Then it moved to learning social
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  work. There is a different head, like
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  a different part of you when you're getting trained as a
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  psychologist. And we can discuss each of those
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  different mind frames, but it's completely different trainings.
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  And it was hard for me to switch into a psychology mode, so I'm
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  doing that too. I'd love to hear about the
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  difference between hypnotherapy. Like you started in the
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  beginning and you said that there's a difference.
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  What is that fundamental difference like?
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  How do you? So I'll share with you 20 years
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  ago, I went to like the first conference where they had of
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  from therapists. It's not the first one, it's the
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  first one that I was there and I was talking about the
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  subconscious and they were all laughing at me because at that
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  time the primary therapy modality was CBT, cognitive
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  behavioral therapy. And I've got a special training
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  in that as well. And it's a beautiful system.
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  And if I would just give an idea, we know now with
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  neuroscience that the front part of the brain is where we think.
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  It's called the frontal cortex. The cortex, it's right here, all
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  our logic, I'm talking, there's no information.
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  It's lighting up by you brain. Millions of brain norms are
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  turning on at the same time. All we know is when we talk and
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  we're looking right in between our brain is a different part
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  called the limbic system. And that is got a particle, the
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  amygdala, hippocampus, that's the part of the brain that's the
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  fight or flight before, while I'm talking, before it gets to
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  your thinking, what I'm talking right now hits first the
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  amygdala and it's thinking what he's saying, is that dangerous
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  to me? Is that OK?
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  Am I safe right now? What's he saying?
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  Well, these days only the podcast is going to be terrible.
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  That filter is our fight or flight mode before it gets to
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  our thinking. So hypnosis and the alternative
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  methods, which today there are a lot of professional evidence
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  based methods are how do we get your fear mode to calm down?
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  So now you can use your logic. So let's take an example.
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  Someone's afraid of flying. CBT would tell you you're not
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  afraid of flying, you can do it, it's safe.
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  It's just a fear. Don't let the fear take over.
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  How many times have you done something that was hard?
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  Can we possibly do some exposure?
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  Can you get on a plane? Can you experience it?
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  Just sit there? Can you visualize it?
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  So these are all telling the brain you can do it and giving
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  behaviors where you can do it. The subconscious methods like
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  hypnosis is it gets right into the fear and sort of sort of
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  starts exploring why do you have the fear and old time hypnosis
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  is really you're telling the brain you're not afraid, you can
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  do it, it's easy. And when the subconscious is I
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  can do it. Now you're on the plane and I
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  can do it. It's not a problem.
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  The challenge is, and I don't like going into like everyone
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  like makes makes a system like it works and it's great.
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  The part of the reason that knocked hypnosis out of the
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  ballpark is that Hollywood got a hold of it and they started
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  having like you go to hypnotist and the the bell rings and also
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  you wire transfer all your money from one account to the other.
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  And people got petrified of hypnosis.
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  And they should be if that's how it works, but it doesn't work
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  that way. We can't get you to do anything
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  that you don't want. We can't get you to wire money.
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  And I know you have the stage hypnosis, which I'm also trained
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  how to do that. That's really true, but only
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  works on 10% of the people. So you're always going to
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  notice. They always got like 500 people
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  there and they get maybe 5:00 to 10:00 that can get up there.
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  And if you even notice that on the stage hypnosis from the 10
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  people on, they're really using two most of the time.
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  The other ones are most stage props like sleep and they fall
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  asleep, but they realize I can't get you to do things.
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  So in reality, hypnosis sounds great and it's a phenomenal
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  tool. There's a lot of it that we
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  still know from the 60s that are really powerful, but it's a
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  method that's meant to go into the brain like the subconscious.
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  And they are today a lot of updated systems that can help.
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  So like the subconscious systems are one method of therapy and
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  they're now evidence based systems like something called
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  EMDR for trauma. It's getting into that
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  subconscious part, just moving your eyes, another system called
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  brain spotting sensory motor, like so many different methods
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  that are not talking to the brain.
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  We're not telling you it's OK. We're just telling you we're
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  getting into the subconscious bypassing the talk or you need
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  to understand. You don't have to understand it.
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  Just move your eyes back and forth quickly and we'll get
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  there. So once you move past the
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  frontal part of it, there's many varieties of ways of dealing
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  with it, right? Does this work for, does this
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  work for everybody? Like is there anybody that you
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  have not been able to? So no method works for anyone.
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  So one of the big differences that I learned when you going
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  into the alternative method and when you're dealing with
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  professional methods are most alternatives tell you will help
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  everything. We're going to get the sun to
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  stop shining in middle of the day.
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  Just do this, breathe three times, hop 5 or 6 times and
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  it'll be done and. Wire me this money.
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  And why, Yes, and I actually want to defend in a moment all
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  the alternative methods because I would say most systems are
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  today, because I have a lot of training in the alternative
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  methods. I would say I can see where the
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  professional system stole them or borrowed them where they were
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  earlier in the alternative. They just made them evidence
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  based. So alternative methods don't
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  have the professional training of what are the limits to every
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  system? Who is it good for?
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  Who is it not good for? Who could it be dangerous for
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  every system? I mean, if you really want to
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  explode this thing, we can just talk about psychedelics later
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  on. But it's the same thing where
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  everyone's jumping that and no one's talking about the
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  warnings. Whoever is doing the alternative
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  methods like classic, again, alternatives, it'll change your
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  life. And what about the people that
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  were sent to psych wards that we still can't get them out of it
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  because they taking the drug and it's dangerous.
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  But like, give me an example what's very simple.
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  I know someone, I have current a client on my caseload where he
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  did a psychedelic where he was going to someone that's doing
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  shrooms, gave high dosages. It didn't work on him, so he
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  just doubled the high dosage. The person was sent to the psych
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  ward for about two weeks to stabilize with medication.
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  He went completely nuts. He's seeing lots of visions and
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  we can't get him out of that. It's not usually it's something
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  leaves your system, it's a real drug and now the person's stuck.
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  So after that with medication, he's now about a year stable.
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  But we need therapists that know or understand these concepts,
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  that also know the dangers. So I mean, it's a whole
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  different thing. I'm a huge proponent, I am for
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  psychedelics. It's the wave of the future for
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  certain population, for certain people and certain ways.
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  The danger is that we don't talk about the danger.
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  So one of the big things I learned in the professional
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  modalities, like I'm writing right now my dissertation and I
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  have to at the beginning, I'm going to be working on trauma.
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  So I'm going to be interviewing people with trauma.
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  I have to be approved by something called the IRB.
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  If I'm going to be speaking to someone that went through
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  trauma, how do I know my questions?
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  I'm not going to re traumatize the person.
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  Question number one, I got an approval.
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  Before I'm going to speak to someone, they have to see the
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  questions. I'm going to have to get
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  approval from the person's therapist.
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  Even if it was 10 years ago that the person's OK.
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  There's a lot of safety systems put into the classical.
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  Everyone loves making fun of the Western system, but there's a
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  benefit to the Western system. So, and I'm also going to have
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  to write in my dissertation. What was what were the limits to
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  the study? So like I only got people that
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  maybe were responding to emails, so that responded to wherever,
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  but my dissertation is limited to the population that I
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  interviewed. We're not making huge and gross,
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  let's say beliefs. So saying that this will help
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  everyone. So one of the first steps that I
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  learned difference is alternative and the professional
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  is alternatives usually don't talk about limits.
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  We probably can help you and professional is we're going to
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  start, we'll see how it goes. We're going to go low, we're
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  going to go slow because we don't want to hurt your
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  medication. Many times people are frustrated
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  when they're going to psychiatrist.
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  Why do I have to go every six weeks?
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  Oh, because they want their money.
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  No, because medication is a drug.
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  We want to start slowly. We want to see how your body
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  handles it. Even if 100 million people
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  respond great with this drug, but there are 20 million that
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  don't, we're not just going to prescribe it because hey, 80% it
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  works fantastic at what about the 20%?
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  So the medical world, the Western world has that little
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  concern and that's one of the big differences.
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  But. I love that, by the way.
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  Can I jump back to something in the very beginning that really
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  struck me and I can really resonate with that because I
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  think each of us here individually sees a vast
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  difference between right now and the moment today in 2024, then
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  in 2012 or in 2002. And what you said was?
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  2025. 20/20/25 what I say 2024 I'm still getting used to it.
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  I would just say is there a grace period, a new era?
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  How long I can say previously it's got to be 30 days.
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  I got to put. I didn't even catch them.
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  Exactly. I guess the inauguration. 242025
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  It's all relative. In any case, what you said was
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  that 25 years ago, this was something that wasn't even
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  talked about the word therapy. It was very stigmatized then.
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  And Fast forward 2025 years later, now there's a lot of
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  awareness around it and it's almost like you're not seeing a
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  therapist. Like what are you doing?
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  Like you have that available and, and you're not capitalizing
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  on it. Back then it was, you're seeing
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  a therapist. Wow, that's, that's crazy.
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  Like you must have real problems.
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  And then we discovered one day, oh wait, all of us actually have
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  problems. Surprise, surprise.
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  And even though for a long time people were shoving things under
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  the rug, especially in more religious communities where they
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  didn't want to get word out that there were things that were
• 15:02
  really happening and they thought it was a better idea to
• 15:05
  cover it up. But then problems actually
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  festered and started escalating. And it becomes to a point you
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  can't even manage it anymore. And now you're reacting.
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  Instead of doing prevention, you're doing treatment, which is
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  a lot harder. So now today, there's a lot more
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  awareness when it comes to this, and I think we're much more
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  accepting of it. So I could just relate it to
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  myself even 10 years ago. And, you know, I'm 38 years old,
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  in my 20s, like I would have never admitted publicly that I'm
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  seeing the therapist or that I feel like I should be seeing the
• 15:35
  therapist. Now today, I would shout it from
• 15:37
  the rooftops. All my friends know it's not a
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  secret. I love therapy.
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  I'm a big, big fan of it. I think that being in tune with
• 15:46
  yourself, being in tune with your feelings, being in tune
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  with your past and how that's affecting you today through your
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  subconscious that you don't even realize and somebody opening up
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  your eyes to that and really making those connections is very
• 15:59
  healing. And it's how you can grow and
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  become a better person. I do feel, however, and this is
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  what I want to ask you, is that there is still parts of our
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  communities. There are still parts even
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  outside of our communities in the world where therapy is still
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  looked at something that is frowned upon.
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  Like I don't know if that it's made-up hypnosis.
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  You're mentioning that you're talking about things in the
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  front part of the brain, in the middle part of the brain.
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  And some people would laugh at this and say, you know, this is
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  all made-up or people are exaggerating.
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  But why? How do we get more awareness
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  around this? And what is your thoughts on
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  really, you know, what are you doing?
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  It sounds like you're running a a big program these days.
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  You're trying to get it covered by by insurance, which is
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  amazing. I think every insurance company
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  that could be regulated and insurance has to cover for any
• 16:44
  family member should mandate it Once a week.
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  You should go to therapy for everybody to find themselves
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  like, what's the mission here? How are you getting it out?
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  And how are we going to bring more awareness to this?
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  Wow. So I'd like to take a step back
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  when we're talking about the communities, like why the
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  community was hesitant to accept it and where we are today.
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  You know, it's easy to just look at it like say, hey, they were
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  hiding and and stuff and that could be part of it.
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  But if we could also take a step back, let's say the 1940s,
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  fifties, 60s and 1920's, the psychologist, the founding
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  psychologist, Freud himself was an atheist and now he was an
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  atheist, was anti religion. So I had an opportunity to be
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  close to Doctor Abraham Twersky Zatzal.
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  And he shared with me he had an addiction center and he was very
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  close to a Catholic monastery. And he said they would send him
• 17:35
  all the priests and nuns to go to him.
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  Because in the early 1960s, and this is, I can say the big names
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  they viewed, if you're a religious person, whether
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  Orthodox, Jewish, whether Christian, it will you have a
• 17:49
  mental disorder that you still believe it.
• 17:52
  So if we were hesitant sending to therapists that believe
• 17:57
  against our religion, that if you came in, you have an OCD or
• 18:00
  religious OCD, they didn't look at it as we have today.
• 18:03
  OCD is an illness is a challenge.
• 18:07
  It will hit you at your biggest issue.
• 18:09
  So if you're worried about religion, it'll hit you there.
• 18:12
  If you're worried about cleanliness, it'll get you
• 18:14
  there. If you're worried about
• 18:15
  something, they looked at it. No, no, no, OCD is a religious
• 18:18
  issue because religion is the problem.
• 18:21
  That was a change that psychology changed from the
• 18:24
  1960s and on where it started getting its clients centered.
• 18:28
  It's about you. It's not about us, the
• 18:30
  therapist, our belief and our opinion about you.
• 18:34
  So Reba Vigdemiller, sometimes to get those pamphlets and when
• 18:36
  you see his swiping at therapist and everyone always shows it to
• 18:39
  me. Oh, you're this big therapist
• 18:40
  and he was like anti therapy and go, if you look at it, if you
• 18:43
  see what he was dealing with, the therapist at that time were
• 18:46
  saying you send a religious person to a therapist and
• 18:48
  they'll go the problem is here to restrain its religion.
• 18:52
  Today we're realizing every system is going to have their
• 18:55
  challenges. And if you don't have limits and
• 18:57
  if you're going to look at the American system or or Western
• 19:01
  system where you can do anything that you want.
• 19:02
  And we're still struggling. And California, freest of all
• 19:05
  has got like the highest diagnosis rates of so many
• 19:08
  things, including suicidality. So once we move away from the
• 19:12
  concept that religion was hesitant because we didn't have
• 19:14
  where to send, the belief was there's something wrong and
• 19:18
  we're trying to protect the system.
• 19:20
  Like we have a system and every system needs to work within it.
• 19:24
  What changed was people like me. I'm from the first therapist out
• 19:27
  there. Rabbanim didn't answer me when I
• 19:30
  was out there. There I was speaking to
• 19:31
  everyone. One of my like 2-3 of my closest
• 19:34
  friends, like 1 is in Lake where Montessio Solomon sent
• 19:36
  everything to him there. So in each area they start
• 19:39
  opening up. In fact, Hasidim which don't
• 19:42
  don't go to college now they're rebutting a Barabonim are giving
• 19:45
  them a term go to college to be therapists.
• 19:47
  They are social workers. Their field Hasidim have
• 19:50
  exploded in a positive way because they see the need.
• 19:54
  So our system, if we can look at almost a 2000 year system, we're
• 19:58
  resilient. We have a history, our Abundum
• 20:01
  care. Everyone's always going to find
• 20:03
  that one or two. Don't give me that one or two.
• 20:05
  Give me your of. Your love cares and cares for
• 20:08
  you and cares for your for his Kihila.
• 20:11
  And collectively they're getting together and we're updating.
• 20:14
  And if you think about it, how long does it take to change a
• 20:16
  system in the United States in 2012?
• 20:19
  Years ago, therapy was worst thing.
• 20:21
  It's in every school, it's everywhere.
• 20:23
  This is a collective consciousness of our system.
• 20:26
  Do you think that the average person has more of a need to
• 20:32
  attend therapy? And to let me rephrase that, do
• 20:35
  you think the average person has more trauma that relates around
• 20:40
  religion, which is infused with their personal life as well, And
• 20:44
  therefore you cultivate both of those and they have a lot of
• 20:47
  trauma that they need to address or, or do you find that people
• 20:50
  that have no real connection to religion have just as much?
• 20:54
  Like, it's not about religion. Religion is just another
• 20:56
  variable. But therapy is applicable for
• 20:59
  every person. Every person has trauma for
• 21:01
  whatever reason. Like is therapy a factor in, is
• 21:03
  religion a factor in this at all?
• 21:05
  More so, less so. So I'm going to ask you to
• 21:08
  ground me because I want to give a drop history and then I want
• 21:10
  to go to that question. But when I go history, I might
• 21:13
  forget to get back to the question.
• 21:14
  So your question is how much does religion have a part to
• 21:17
  play? I would like to take your
• 21:18
  question first for a different question and that is should
• 21:21
  everyone be in therapy? And I have a belief.
• 21:25
  So as you said, you're shouting you're in therapy.
• 21:26
  I'm in therapy every week. And besides, for that, every six
• 21:30
  to eight weeks, I do an intensive therapy, about 7 or 8
• 21:32
  hours. I've been sharing it when I did
• 21:34
  my first programs and I share it on everywhere where I go.
• 21:37
  I am not embarrassed of it. I'm proud of it.
• 21:40
  And sometimes I get messages from the listeners going, I'm so
• 21:42
  disheartened. If you look like you're a
• 21:44
  healthy functioning person, you've got a good business,
• 21:46
  you're married, you've got children, and you're in therapy
• 21:48
  every week, does that mean that now we're doomed for life?
• 21:52
  And I appreciate that question. So I'd like to differentiate
• 21:54
  that. I believe that there are two
• 21:56
  levels where we're going. There's level #1 people that
• 21:59
  have trauma, people that are not functioning.
• 22:02
  That is one level of therapy. Then there's a different concept
• 22:05
  of like integral self-awareness, being more than who we are.
• 22:10
  And I believe I will be on a journey for life because that's
• 22:13
  who I am. I don't need to go like people
• 22:15
  are telling me like first you're busy in the alternative world.
• 22:17
  Like why do you have to get a, a social work degree?
• 22:19
  You're wasting money. You anyhow have a waiting list.
• 22:22
  Well, do you know what? Getting educated helped me so
• 22:25
  much. I have a different lens and then
• 22:27
  like I already have my own center.
• 22:29
  I'm ACEO. We've got 35 therapists, so
• 22:32
  close to 70 therapists at this point under us.
• 22:34
  Like it's huge. We've got 2-3 psychiatrists
• 22:37
  under under me. Like why do I have to go for my
• 22:39
  doctorate if I'm going to seek the same way I seek my emotional
• 22:44
  health. I'm seeking my knowledge and
• 22:45
  growth and I've learned a lot becoming a psychologist.
• 22:49
  I'm learning a lot like a dissertation.
• 22:50
  Why do I have to write a dissertation?
• 22:52
  Everything that I'm saying is very similar.
• 22:53
  I can show you studies, but my little fetish that I'm learning
• 22:57
  how to do something, so I'm growing.
• 22:59
  So I personally believe that both are needed.
• 23:02
  There are people are coming for issues, challenges.
• 23:05
  They deserve to have quality of life and if not, we know the
• 23:07
  generations that it's impacting. We can just give classic
• 23:10
  examples and there's a second part of growth and I think we
• 23:14
  need to be focusing on growth minded.
• 23:16
  Situation like that, which means everybody every participating in
• 23:20
  this because everybody has all growth that they can acquire.
• 23:24
  No one is just staying status quo.
• 23:26
  You got to keep growing. You keep learning.
• 23:28
  If you go to like the average school, how many people do you
• 23:30
  think are actually attending therapy on a consistent basis?
• 23:34
  Not have been to a therapist once or twice in their life that
• 23:36
  are constantly going and and you know seeking out to learn more
• 23:40
  about themselves and to address things like 50% of people in our
• 23:44
  schools 20% What's what's the number I.
• 23:46
  Would change the question what percentage do I think that
• 23:49
  either them, their spouse or their children a family member
• 23:53
  that should? Be going.
• 23:55
  Either should be but even went because today the parents, we
• 23:57
  might not be that open, but we're already sending our kids,
• 24:00
  our teenagers and our young adults.
• 24:01
  Sure, like dating coaches is normal, like everything became
• 24:04
  now we're we're having coaches. So I would probably say a family
• 24:09
  member. I'll probably say 70% of of
• 24:11
  people in shul have one member that has been to therapy.
• 24:14
  That has been that have been not necessarily different question.
• 24:17
  No, because people have different views of therapy.
• 24:20
  First of all, therapy again, it's expensive.
• 24:22
  I know that. I'm not looking to spend if you
• 24:24
  want like quote UN quote, anyone decent.
• 24:26
  Meaning they've gone through the clinic, so they've got their
• 24:28
  training. They now work their three years
• 24:30
  in private practice. Starting pay is $225.00.
• 24:34
  You're paying for 45 minutes. I know in my therapy sessions, I
• 24:38
  always need a double session because I need to talk.
• 24:40
  So I need 45 minutes or 40 minutes to get it out Now to
• 24:43
  start processing and getting what's going on.
• 24:46
  I need that extra 45 minutes. I don't know how.
• 24:49
  I mean, I'm sure people that are very wealthy, but the average
• 24:51
  person or even for me, $500 a week for me to do my emotional
• 24:55
  health or or staying attuned is very expensive.
• 24:59
  Not affordable. That's not affordable.
• 25:01
  And for people like the average person, even half of that is not
• 25:04
  affordable for for the week. It's not, and if anybody has.
• 25:07
  It's if somebody has. Insurance or regular insurance
• 25:09
  plan, do they cover anything relating to therapy?
• 25:12
  If you want to know the breakthrough that we're going
• 25:15
  through? So my concept is I want to take
• 25:17
  insurance. I want you to have the best
• 25:19
  therapist, but they're relative beginners, but they have lots of
• 25:24
  skills or knowledge. And we have the top supervisors,
• 25:26
  those that are charging 500 an hour, 250 to 500, they're the
• 25:30
  supervisors guiding the therapist.
• 25:32
  So I've changed several models or in the way an average clinic
• 25:36
  works. Average clinic is you get
• 25:38
  supervisor gets let's say an hour with a supervisor.
• 25:41
  So the supervisor, literally 40 minutes of that is about
• 25:44
  paperwork because if you don't have your documentation,
• 25:46
  insurance hits everything back, takes everything back with
• 25:48
  penalty. So not only did we not help you,
• 25:50
  well we're losing and we're out of business.
• 25:52
  So first thing we've done is know one hour of a top
• 25:55
  supervisor he's not spending or her, she's not spending her time
• 25:58
  with paperwork. We have a separate team for
• 26:01
  documentation. You're having one hour of
• 26:04
  learning, discussing your clients what to do.
• 26:08
  Second thing is I do every single week trainings in
• 26:10
  modalities I am teaching you. So everyone of our therapist
• 26:14
  doesn't just know one method of CBT or EMDR or trauma.
• 26:19
  I am teaching you DBT. I'm teaching you the latest
• 26:21
  evidence based practices. I am still a clinician where I
• 26:24
  have the experience. So it's not just CEO sitting up
• 26:26
  there doing podcasts. I'm sitting with people once a
• 26:29
  week giving trainings weekly. And then we have the clinicians
• 26:33
  go out to breakout rooms because some of them are on Zoom where
• 26:36
  they actually have to practice the skill on each other.
• 26:38
  So this is very different than someone, OK, I'm going to a
• 26:40
  therapist. I can't afford it.
• 26:42
  They're, they're new. They don't know what they're
• 26:43
  doing. No, we have younger ones for
• 26:45
  children because we find when you're 40 and plus, you have
• 26:49
  less patients for the six year old or the 8 year old.
• 26:51
  But when you're 2520 or 30, like that's your age, it's your kids,
• 26:55
  you're dealing with that. It's you have that and they're
• 26:57
  relating to it. So that's.
• 26:59
  Is this covered by? That so that is my agency.
• 27:02
  That's why, you know, I don't know if we say their names or
• 27:04
  not, but like that's their that's was the dream that we
• 27:07
  want to do it. I'm my goal.
• 27:08
  We say the names Neil Zellman, Serenity Center and you guys get
• 27:13
  a lot of credit because like you said a minute ago, and I just
• 27:16
  want to say this, that trauma is definitely a big segment of
• 27:19
  therapy, right? So you, you're walking into a
• 27:21
  shul and saying how many people here, you know, are dealing with
• 27:24
  trauma, that that's not our business, so to speak, but how
• 27:27
  many people should take advantage of the idea of
• 27:29
  therapy? I would say everybody, right,
• 27:32
  right. The thing is though, is that
• 27:34
  money obviously takes a role in it.
• 27:36
  So not every clinic is, you know, is billing insurance.
• 27:39
  And also it's difficult to get out there and go into a office
• 27:42
  building and you know, and to you guys do a very good job.
• 27:46
  Like, you know, there's noisemakers, there's private
• 27:48
  rooms in the waiting area. When you come in there's it's A
• 27:51
  and the intake is like 2 seconds so you don't bump into people,
• 27:54
  which I like. So do zoom.
• 27:56
  I want to know. Everyone goes like zoom.
• 27:57
  I love Zoom. I would say 50% of our clients
• 28:01
  that are coming in person first did Zoom for four months.
• 28:04
  I'm going to be meeting people. I feel I'm kind of walking
• 28:07
  through that door. It takes so much power to say I
• 28:12
  working on emotional issue. It's practically.
• 28:14
  Empowerment yeah I, I personally couldn't do Zoom during COVID I,
• 28:17
  I paused I can't do a therapy session, get a phone call in
• 28:20
  between a text somebody's honking at me if I'm in the car,
• 28:23
  you know so. Missing that human.
• 28:24
  Yeah, the human connection to me is, but I like the idea of
• 28:28
  starting. No, no, I like idea for you're
• 28:29
  afraid and starting similar to what I wanted to say a minute
• 28:32
  ago, which is therapy in general, as you know, for the
• 28:34
  face value of it is having a friend is having someone to talk
• 28:38
  to. It's just, you know, it's just
• 28:39
  letting it out. You know, so many times she and
• 28:41
  I go through this in our lives is that there's one.
• 28:43
  Event a judgement free zone. Exactly.
• 28:47
  It's it's totally right now. I could be myself.
• 28:49
  I have nothing to prove to you. I don't have to impress you.
• 28:53
  You know really the way I look at it, what why I love therapy
• 28:55
  is as a sounding board. I, I love to hear what I'm
• 28:58
  saying because I'm talking freely right now.
• 29:00
  I'm talking in a place where I know everything that's being
• 29:03
  said stays in this room. I don't have a reason to hide.
• 29:06
  I don't have a reason to sugarcoat things or to package
• 29:09
  things. I could just be raw, real, and I
• 29:12
  can hear myself say it. And I think that that is really
• 29:16
  the biggest result that you get when you do, let's call it
• 29:20
  therapy. But it could be a friend that
• 29:22
  you trust. It could be just a third party
• 29:24
  that's just listening to you. And if the other person could be
• 29:26
  somewhere like yourself that's even educated and has the
• 29:29
  experience and can guide you and can keep the conversation going
• 29:32
  in the right direction so you're growing all the better.
• 29:35
  That's like that's that's a lethal combination where you're
• 29:38
  doing both you're really discovering things about
• 29:40
  yourself. You have an expert on the other
• 29:42
  side who's who's being the referee is making sure that
• 29:44
  you're staying on the right path and you're noticing things that
• 29:47
  you're saying is quickly connecting it for you.
• 29:50
  I think that that is an excellent outcome.
• 29:52
  And I would add on one more component of that, and it's
• 29:54
  weekly. Do you know the power you speak
• 29:57
  consistent when you speak to a friend?
• 29:58
  Hi, this and that, but it's not holding you accountable when
• 30:00
  you're coming next week. Hi, we, we assume the therapist
• 30:02
  remember. Sometimes they hear like they go
• 30:03
  to the therapist. She doesn't remember what I
• 30:05
  spoke last time, but she doesn't like no, your therapist should
• 30:07
  remember when you're walking in either if they have to look up
• 30:10
  their notes in advance or they should remember that because
• 30:13
  they should care. So if they care, they'll
• 30:15
  remember. But that's right.
• 30:16
  But it's, but it's power of consistency when you're going
• 30:19
  weekly, that's that's, that's almost called the interest.
• 30:24
  That's where you're getting all the benefits.
• 30:25
  Yeah, but The thing is though, I was, I was thinking a minute
• 30:27
  ago, all you guys were talking my the back of my brain was
• 30:30
  telling the front of my brain. The front of my brain was
• 30:32
  telling the back of my way to be quiet and wait till you guys
• 30:34
  finish. Not everyone has friends and
• 30:37
  this is a challenge that I've seen more and more every single
• 30:40
  day. This Michael in the past one of
• 30:42
  our podcasts, yeah, about people that don't have that one go to
• 30:46
  just, you know, they share everything with each other type
• 30:48
  of friend, right. And you're gonna have a harder
• 30:50
  time navigating your life without that.
• 30:52
  That's a really big asset that if someone doesn't have the good
• 30:56
  fortune of of having. And you and I disagreed.
• 30:58
  I said I think everybody has that.
• 31:00
  I think everybody has at least one person.
• 31:01
  You're like, you're very adamant.
• 31:03
  You said no, no, no, no. There's a lot of people.
• 31:05
  You, I did you say most people. Yeah, I said a lot of people
• 31:08
  don't have friends. I agree.
• 31:09
  With with Michael and I actually agree with both of you, but what
• 31:12
  I would like to take Michael's side is we might have a lot of
• 31:15
  acquaintances and people that we speak to, but how many people
• 31:18
  can you share your deepest fears?
• 31:20
  Not only that, the person that you could share your fears with
• 31:23
  that doesn't want to respond to you with their deepest.
• 31:24
  Fears. That's right, that.
• 31:25
  Happened so many times when you talk to a friend and tell them
• 31:27
  about your challenge. I had such a hard day.
• 31:29
  Oh, I also had such a hard day. I'm not interested in your hard
• 31:31
  day. I'm telling you about my hard
• 31:32
  day. My point of my message that I
• 31:34
  wanted to send was and and I think that this is you can
• 31:37
  resonate with this is that if you don't have that friend that
• 31:41
  is non judgmental sounding board and a little bit, you know,
• 31:45
  knowledge of how to deal with therapeutic stuff, then buy a
• 31:48
  friend, literally let insurance pay for it.
• 31:52
  But the consistency and the idea of going to somebody is so
• 31:55
  important. What's more important, going to
• 31:57
  the gym once a week or going to therapy once a week?
• 32:00
  What do you think? That's a hard one because I
• 32:03
  think both are important. What?
• 32:04
  If you had no choice, you can only pay for one.
• 32:06
  You can only pay for one. What do you do?
• 32:08
  I believe in the mental health because the mental health will,
• 32:12
  but I also believe in your physical.
• 32:13
  I can't even. Change, it's a tough one, right?
• 32:14
  No. And the reason why it's so
• 32:15
  tough, right? Because the physical part also.
• 32:17
  Feeling great, your endorphins are going and now you're coming
• 32:20
  on positive. On the other hand, Michael, when
• 32:21
  it comes to the body, right? I mean, it depends what you're
• 32:24
  like, if you're talking to your right hand or your left hand,
• 32:25
  you. Go to the gym so you can have
• 32:27
  the aesthetics of you know of an Adonis body that's not
• 32:31
  necessary. Go to go to, you know, mental
• 32:32
  health comes first. Somebody who's obese, somebody
• 32:35
  who literally is at risk for many diseases because of their
• 32:39
  weight, then they should probably deal with their
• 32:42
  physical. Right.
• 32:43
  So I would say my point was people are sometimes mentally.
• 32:46
  If both are sort of, you know, that's on the same on the same
• 32:49
  scale that you probably your mental community is a lot more
• 32:52
  important. You know your internal how
• 32:54
  you're feeling. You know you could be looking
• 32:56
  amazing outside, but if you're hurting.
• 32:58
  Inside, I just want you to know. By the way, I just want you to
• 33:00
  know I chose mental health. I have a six.
• 33:02
  Let's back up here. Exactly, exactly.
• 33:05
  Let me ask you this. When we talked about this,
• 33:07
  Michael, in the past as well, and I said, I think that, you
• 33:10
  know, in our schools, OK, that's where it all begins, the youth,
• 33:13
  that's where it all starts. And what I said was we've, you
• 33:18
  know, instituted certain things that we, you know, whether it's
• 33:21
  speech therapy, let's get in, you know, early, right, early
• 33:25
  intervention, earlier intervention, that, that type of
• 33:27
  concept. You know, even Jim, in schools
• 33:29
  these days, you know, it's once a week, twice a week they have
• 33:32
  to go to gym class as well. Why isn't there?
• 33:35
  And can there be a way that we start really bringing so much
• 33:39
  awareness to this that we mandate we regulate that in any
• 33:42
  school once a week, every single student needs to attend a
• 33:46
  one-on-one therapy, mental Wellness, check in with a
• 33:50
  professional, with someone. And this is part of the routine.
• 33:53
  It's part of the ritual as they grow up grade 1234 and you keep
• 33:58
  it going, get them started early.
• 33:59
  So we don't let things build up and we don't wait until there's
• 34:02
  a problem. Let that communication start
• 34:05
  flowing early. So I agree with you 100% and I
• 34:08
  would probably tweak it a little.
• 34:10
  So first, let's start in Serenity.
• 34:11
  We have already reached out to several schools.
• 34:13
  It's possible to get them through the government, which we
• 34:16
  have to have a satellite. We're already seven months in
• 34:18
  the process. And as ever, always dealing with
• 34:20
  OMH and always with other places, you know how things go.
• 34:23
  Whenever you want to start to do something, there's always going
• 34:25
  to be obstacles. What we actually want to do is
• 34:27
  do more groups, which means let's say their social skills
• 34:31
  today anxiety. Imagine when you go one-on-one,
• 34:34
  sometimes as kids will open up, teenagers will or won't open up.
• 34:38
  But in groups, it's a lot more. They're a lot open.
• 34:41
  So if you're going to start discussing anxiety and let's
• 34:43
  just take worry. So take out the word anxiety and
• 34:45
  say, how many times do you have to have a podcast and you're
• 34:48
  concerned, hey, maybe the person won't show up or maybe it won't
• 34:50
  be a good podcast. So you got negative feedback and
• 34:53
  then all of a sudden you have a couple of podcasters together
• 34:56
  and going, yeah, we used to have at the beginning, but less at
• 34:59
  the end. We used to.
• 34:59
  And also you're reinforcing to others.
• 35:02
  Oh, we had it. This is a normal fear.
• 35:04
  Or what about if you ever have to sneeze?
• 35:06
  I don't know if you ever need the bathroom.
• 35:08
  Like all these questions and also you just say, OK, we're all
• 35:11
  normal for the same fears. We're all normal with the same
• 35:13
  doubts. So in groups is where people can
• 35:16
  share or after that and you also teach skills.
• 35:20
  We could get to the moment. What I find the youth, I think
• 35:23
  like I was like getting asked like what's the benefits of
• 35:24
  mental health awareness, which everyone knows about it and the
• 35:27
  challenges we can go to it after that.
• 35:29
  We're losing our resilience, especially the kids going.
• 35:32
  I can't, it's too hard. I'm not I'm not dealing with
• 35:34
  that. I see Klau's role.
• 35:36
  We're dealing with a whole new issue that we never dealt with.
• 35:37
  I don't know if it's COVID. I didn't really see the studies
• 35:40
  yet. If it's in the non Jewish world
• 35:41
  as well, but we're 7th graders are saying I'm not going to
• 35:44
  school. They're not.
• 35:46
  It's not that they're hating school.
• 35:48
  It's not that they're being bullied.
• 35:49
  It used to be a phenomenal why they don't want to go to school.
• 35:52
  Now I'm not going and you can't push them.
• 35:53
  You have those old schools saying kick them out, the
• 35:55
  parents try that, get them to therapy.
• 35:57
  They're not listening, They're not opening up.
• 35:59
  And this is a whole separate issue where we're losing our
• 36:02
  resilience and there's a way to build it up.
• 36:04
  And I actually believe the group process of sharing.
• 36:07
  How do you? Overcome.
• 36:08
  I have to, I have to mention I was just talking to someone
• 36:11
  yesterday about this and I'm just thinking while you're
• 36:14
  talking now also about a group and serenity and anxiety, a new
• 36:19
  look on a, a instead of Alcoholic Anonymous, Right.
• 36:23
  Alcohol. What is it?
• 36:23
  What is it? Yeah, that's Alcohol Anonymous.
• 36:25
  Full stuff. Yeah, exactly.
• 36:27
  I go to ACA. Anxiety, Anxiety Anonymous.
• 36:30
  Yes, making a group of people that just are recognizing.
• 36:34
  Not that we're, you know, you know, battling every day with
• 36:37
  it, but we recognize that anxiety is a real thing and
• 36:40
  where it comes from And from a man's perspective, having a
• 36:42
  group of men sitting in a room and talking about the the the
• 36:46
  challenges of the masculinity part of, you know, challenges of
• 36:50
  why am I anxious? What am I doing with my spouse
• 36:54
  or friends or relationship at work?
• 36:56
  Let's sit in a room and talk about it.
• 36:59
  A a anxiety anonymous are you in?
• 37:01
  I'm in. What are you or she?
• 37:03
  Listen, I'm in for anything. You know that.
• 37:05
  I'll try anything one time. Michael, you had some questions
• 37:08
  here that I skimmed through. Uh oh.
• 37:10
  You know what? Then let me do the lightning.
• 37:11
  By the way, You. You.
• 37:12
  Was she asking? For a lightning.
• 37:14
  Ground because they're amazing. Some of these questions are
• 37:15
  phenomenal. I would love to hear your take
• 37:18
  on these things. There was a podcast a few
• 37:19
  podcasts ago where she said take it out to the bar and shoot it
• 37:22
  and it's gone. I took that.
• 37:24
  But Michael, it's all about the content.
• 37:26
  I just want to tell you something.
• 37:26
  How about the questions like this?
• 37:28
  I'm all. I just, I just want to tell you
• 37:29
  something. But she said it and I said to
• 37:30
  myself, I'm not taking it out to the barn and shooting it.
• 37:32
  I'm going to reconstruct it. And I sat down and thought to
• 37:35
  myself, if I'm doing a lightning, I, I'm not giving up
• 37:37
  on this lightning round. By the way, in general, I came
• 37:39
  up with this concept of a lightning round and it's like,
• 37:41
  you know, fiery hot topics, one word answers, it's been going
• 37:45
  OK. And she the other time was
• 37:47
  saying, Nah, it's not working. And I said to myself, and I
• 37:49
  said, you know what, if it's not working, then maybe he's right,
• 37:51
  but maybe I need to redo it somehow.
• 37:53
  So I took it and I said, let me ask questions that are relevant
• 37:55
  specifically to the guests and ask hot topic questions I come
• 37:58
  up with. So I think I came up, I feel.
• 38:00
  Bad for him because some of these questions you're going to
• 38:01
  have a hard time just saying yes or no to.
• 38:03
  It's a loaded question. All right, so here we go.
• 38:05
  We have the Lightning round brought to you by Serenity
• 38:07
  Center. I'm going to ask you a bunch of
• 38:08
  questions. They're quick witted answers.
• 38:12
  The only thing I that you have the ability to do is you get to
• 38:15
  answer one question with none of your business.
• 38:17
  OK. You got one pass, so use it.
• 38:20
  Should a spouse have access to their partner's phone?
• 38:24
  Yes or no? Yes.
• 38:26
  Can exes ever truly be just friends?
• 38:31
  Depends. Is flirting outside of a
• 38:34
  marriage? Let's say you're at a restaurant
• 38:36
  harmless or dangerous? Oh.
• 38:38
  Come on, these are all. Both.
• 38:43
  I like that he's squeamish. I mean, I'm doing a good job.
• 38:45
  Should you tell your friend if you don't like their spouse or
• 38:49
  girlfriend or boyfriend? Never stay out of it, you're
• 38:52
  saying? Is it OK to fake happiness in a
• 38:55
  marriage? For the sake of the children,
• 38:57
  for short term, yes, absolutely. Can men and women truly be just
• 39:02
  friends? OK, pass.
• 39:05
  You mean none of your business? Is love at first sight real?
• 39:11
  Yeah, for the first hour or two, I like it and then it.
• 39:15
  Kicks in there, just a couple of more.
• 39:17
  Is it better to be feared or? Loved both.
• 39:21
  Either one's dangerous. Can teachers, even for a high 5
• 39:25
  or a pat on the back, ever touch their students?
• 39:29
  In reality, they all do. It's impossible not to, so it
• 39:31
  has to be appropriate. Have you ever hate your kids?
• 39:36
  Maybe once from all my six kids in history.
• 39:39
  OK. You didn't use any of the none
• 39:40
  of your business. So I like that.
• 39:41
  So, Michael, now that we got past that, I want to go right
• 39:43
  into the first one. OK.
• 39:45
  And. You answered, you answered yes
• 39:48
  to this question. And a lot of people listening to
• 39:50
  right now, I know like, this is a big, big topic.
• 39:53
  Yeah. And I have my personal feelings
• 39:55
  on it. We will discuss, but I'd love to
• 39:56
  hear why you said what you said. Should a spouse have access to
• 39:59
  their partners for now? Let's all remember that into the
• 40:02
  world that we live in our phones.
• 40:04
  You can learn about everyone in a in a few minutes by going
• 40:07
  through their phones. Exactly.
• 40:08
  OK, so phones are very personal. Search as well.
• 40:10
  Yeah, phones are very more there.
• 40:12
  Yeah, phones are very personal. So almost in a way, what we
• 40:15
  really asked you is, is it OK? Is it recommended for a spouse
• 40:19
  to be able to read their spouse's minds and which is the
• 40:23
  only sanctimonity that they have, the only like like things
• 40:26
  that's sacred that can live in your head that other people
• 40:29
  can't necessarily see? The next next best thing is
• 40:31
  their phone. Give them your phone and you can
• 40:33
  get a whole. World on that person so you said
• 40:36
  that yes you think that they should have access to each
• 40:38
  other's phones. Please explain I would shift it
• 40:40
  back to you if you're married and if we're going to the
• 40:43
  ultimate level I you know let's take a step back.
• 40:46
  There is a psychologist and this this chart is something that we
• 40:50
  use all the time it's called Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
• 40:53
  This is something I'll explain to how we use in the Holocaust,
• 40:55
  and we'll see where we are and how cloudy.
• 40:56
  So like how the nation is growing.
• 40:58
  There are five steps. He says.
• 41:00
  Every human must have these five.
• 41:02
  He believed they're in that order.
• 41:03
  And I'll go through them. But we know now you could change
• 41:07
  orders. But there must, he said.
• 41:08
  So the first one is physical needs.
• 41:10
  We need to be able to breathe. If we don't have oxygen, we're
• 41:13
  dead. Our emergency, our immediate
• 41:14
  need is how do I breathe food? If we don't eat, we're dead.
• 41:19
  So that means first thing is you must make sure your physical
• 41:22
  needs are taken care of and otherwise you're not looking for
• 41:25
  the second level. So imagine a pyramid, which is
• 41:27
  your emotional needs, emotional safety.
• 41:30
  So first one is, do you have a house over to live in?
• 41:32
  Otherwise you'll die of hypothermia.
• 41:34
  Do you have food? Otherwise you'll die because you
• 41:36
  didn't eat. Second level is now are you in a
• 41:38
  safe environment where you're not being physically beaten,
• 41:41
  where you're not going to be killed but emotionally you're
• 41:44
  going to be traumatized and abused that we see those people
• 41:47
  they can't function, but they're functioning more than someone
• 41:50
  that didn't have what to eat so first level's physiological
• 41:53
  second level is psychologically safety or or physical safety.
• 41:58
  We're not talking about death. The third level is now starting
• 42:00
  to belong. You need to be in like a
• 42:02
  community like where you have like we have friends.
• 42:04
  Our community is an amazing level.
• 42:06
  Yes, connections and everyone needs connections, whether
• 42:09
  you're Jewish or not. Then comes your level.
• 42:13
  Who are you like? What do I like doing?
• 42:15
  Start swinging up a me. I start existing and then comes
• 42:18
  the highest level, which is I just forgot those terms for
• 42:21
  that, but that is sort of like creating something in the world.
• 42:24
  Now let's take a step back. Most depending on where your
• 42:28
  marriage is or depending on how we view our life is where it's
• 42:32
  going to answer that question about your cell phone.
• 42:34
  If you're in your marriage. This was one of those questions
• 42:37
  that because you're doing it for the sake of the children stigma
• 42:40
  about divorce, which really doesn't exist.
• 42:42
  But anyhow, but those people are still stuck with that stigma.
• 42:44
  Maybe your kids won't be that well off if you divorce because
• 42:48
  it's two separate homes, a little confusing, whatever it
• 42:50
  should be that people are staying in a marriage, but
• 42:54
  you're not at the highest level where we're really one where I
• 42:56
  can share with you my deepest, darkest secrets.
• 42:58
  You can know it in the essay, in the sexual addiction systems is
• 43:03
  a part where you actually have to come forward and share
• 43:06
  everything with your spouse of every and every addiction you've
• 43:09
  done in your history to finally reach sobriety.
• 43:12
  Because when you're keeping secrets, it's going to impact
• 43:15
  your marriage, your relationship.
• 43:16
  You won't be able to heal. That's a disclosure stage.
• 43:20
  You have to be a while in therapy and you have to get your
• 43:22
  wife prepared for that. But in the essay Addiction of
• 43:24
  the 12 step, and that's a very vital component because now that
• 43:28
  there are no secrets, this is who I am.
• 43:31
  This is who you are. Are you going to accept me?
• 43:33
  And will we finally heal? Will we actually address the
• 43:36
  issue? So now let's go to that cell
• 43:38
  phone. It was a black and white
• 43:39
  question that you asked. Now my answer is, where's your
• 43:42
  marriage on this triangle? Are you just together, but
• 43:47
  emotionally there's no connection?
• 43:48
  Are you together and emotionally this connection?
• 43:50
  Are you emotionally and you guys are really meshing you like
• 43:53
  similar things, you respect each other's differences.
• 43:56
  Are you now that she knows your deep needs, you know her needs,
• 43:59
  You're accepting that we might have different needs, but I can
• 44:02
  share it. And then the ultimate level is I
• 44:05
  see my growth through you. You see your growth through me.
• 44:08
  My challenge that I have you, my spouse is actually that right
• 44:13
  and left foot. You're going to balance my
• 44:16
  challenges, my shortcomings. If you find someone that's very
• 44:18
  outgoing, most likely both your wives are quiet and very
• 44:21
  homebound people. That's the balance.
• 44:23
  Otherwise, imagine how your kids will be.
• 44:25
  You guys are out there all over. Who's going to take care of
• 44:27
  there's a dirty diaper. Oh, who cares?
• 44:29
  But right now, let's go out for dinner.
• 44:30
  Let's go meet some friends. Don't worry, let's be on the
• 44:32
  phone. There's that that balance, that
• 44:35
  yin or Yang that happens in marriage.
• 44:37
  So if your marriage is at that level where you want to get to
• 44:41
  that level, self disclosure, what are you hiding on that
• 44:45
  phone that you don't want her to see well.
• 44:49
  My answer is by the. I'm sorry, my answer is I'm not
• 44:50
  at level 5 yet. That's right.
• 44:52
  And by the way, by the way, that's OK 98.
• 44:54
  Percent of us aren't. And you're setting a lot of
• 44:56
  people up for divorces. Like if you're, if you're
• 44:59
  encouraging this, I am. Raising the bar, you know it's
• 45:02
  raising the bar. Know where your marriage could
• 45:04
  get to if you think it's acceptable.
• 45:06
  Like we start making a rule it's unacceptable for a spouse to
• 45:09
  ever look at your phone. What we're saying is.
• 45:10
  Invasion of privacy. Invasion.
• 45:12
  I love these words. Invasion.
• 45:13
  Why is there? First of all, it's more into the
• 45:16
  marriage. It's not about that.
• 45:17
  First of all, on my phone is not just my information, yeah, it's
• 45:21
  other people's information as well.
• 45:23
  That's they're sharing exclusively with me, that
• 45:26
  they're not anticipating my wife or my children or my sibling to
• 45:31
  be looking through it because they don't want to share that
• 45:32
  with them. They're sharing with me.
• 45:34
  So. It's not just my information
• 45:36
  that's a different point I'm protecting whatever else is
• 45:38
  going on granted on that. So let's change it let's change
• 45:40
  your question. Can you have a cell phone where
• 45:42
  friends can share private stuff with you HIPAA stuff.
• 45:46
  We don't have to share it. OK, we don't talk about yourself
• 45:48
  on the bet you. I'm not talking about others.
• 45:50
  Let's take it to you. Do you want your marriage to get
• 45:53
  to a level that you're not afraid that if your wife opens
• 45:56
  up anything and everything is there, that's the place?
• 46:00
  We would like to. Aren't there just some things
• 46:02
  that don't need to be? It might be better.
• 46:04
  Aren't there some things? Couldn't there be a little bit
• 46:07
  of? Space that everybody has on
• 46:08
  their own and let's do. Is it beneficial Because
• 46:11
  everyone's going to be different?
• 46:12
  Is it beneficial to have your own space?
• 46:13
  Absolutely. But the point is there is a
• 46:15
  trust that if she would ever ask, can I look through it, She
• 46:18
  might never look through it, but you knowing that whatever you
• 46:22
  got there and however you're texting people is going to be
• 46:25
  appropriate. And if your wife sees that,
• 46:27
  she'll feel OK and you'll feel the same.
• 46:28
  By the way, what about trust to her?
• 46:30
  How do you feel that you know your wife?
• 46:32
  You never have to look, but you can trust that if you say, hey,
• 46:35
  I want to look through what you text and maybe say, you know
• 46:37
  what this person is going through.
• 46:38
  I don't want you to look at their thing.
• 46:40
  But you feel the feeling of trust that you know she's not
• 46:43
  texting inappropriate stuff. How would you feel?
• 46:46
  I would trust her and not, I don't feel compelled to look
• 46:49
  through her phone and I'm aware that there going to be things
• 46:51
  there that I probably don't know a whole lot about.
• 46:54
  I don't know everything about it, but I want to give you an
• 46:56
  example. An example would be, let's say I
• 46:58
  have really foul language that I use, you know, in a certain
• 47:02
  manner with certain people. And I don't do that in front of
• 47:05
  my family and I don't do that in front of just anyone.
• 47:08
  And that's sort of a side of me that for whatever reason, that's
• 47:11
  how I engage with, with that, you know, group of people.
• 47:15
  I don't want my wife seeing that And, and therefore I want to
• 47:19
  keep that private. I want to keep it to myself.
• 47:20
  And I also don't think I'm hurting my wife.
• 47:23
  I don't think I'm lying to her by her not sort of seeing that
• 47:26
  and making it so visible to her. I I just think that there is a
• 47:30
  like the phone is just like the one thing that everybody has
• 47:33
  that's to themselves because it's really just you in the
• 47:36
  internal like, why do I need to share that with, with, with
• 47:40
  other people? I feel like you're just opening
• 47:41
  yourself up and like it's a perfect world that you're about
• 47:44
  that you're painting. What's that?
• 47:45
  Does she know about that side? Let's say theoretically, if you
• 47:48
  would like. Yeah, I'm sure she does.
• 47:49
  And I'm not saying that example like I know, I'm just I want to
• 47:51
  thank theoretical. Process so there are different
• 47:54
  levels that we can get to and I think if we would start let's
• 47:59
  take a step back cuz I have a lot of knowledge about the
• 48:01
  addiction language or not just I don't want to call this
• 48:04
  addiction but our deepest secrets is actually gonna
• 48:07
  destroy us. If you don't have a place to
• 48:10
  share, let it be a therapist. It's completely HIPAA compliant.
• 48:13
  No secret gets out in the way you break addictions, the way
• 48:17
  you break anxiety, the way the way you break almost any
• 48:20
  challenge, financial issues. You know how many people don't
• 48:22
  want to share everything with their accountant because they'll
• 48:25
  know where I'm spending or legal issues?
• 48:27
  If you don't share it with the lawyer, there's no way he or
• 48:30
  she's going to defend you. If you're not sharing it with
• 48:32
  the accountant, they can help you budget.
• 48:34
  And the same thing goes on in ourselves.
• 48:36
  If you've got secrets there, those secrets are going to pull
• 48:40
  you down eventually. Now, I'm OK, you don't want to
• 48:43
  share that with your spouse, fine.
• 48:45
  But who are you sharing the authentic you?
• 48:48
  And that is a big goal with therapies to help us get the two
• 48:51
  together. And many times when people have
• 48:53
  addictions, as long as we hear scandals happening or how it's
• 48:56
  because there's a split person in that person, there's the
• 48:59
  public outside world, and then there's the me.
• 49:02
  And if we don't get these two reconciled, reconciled together,
• 49:06
  we're stuck. OK, I hear this is obviously a
• 49:09
  very controversial topic. Very enlightening.
• 49:12
  I love different thoughts, no? But it was very insightful, the
• 49:14
  way you. Very, Yeah, yeah, no, yeah.
• 49:16
  Look, I think if somebody is like, just like paranoid to the
• 49:20
  point that he's always hiding this phone and like.
• 49:22
  And let's not let him look. I hear that's very extreme.
• 49:25
  I'm not saying I know the wife. I want to look at your things.
• 49:28
  That's again, overstepping boundaries.
• 49:30
  Do you ask is it OK for a husband, let's say, to to be
• 49:34
  able to go through the phone or a wife to feel comfortable that
• 49:37
  everything is OK? Trust has also got to be earned.
• 49:40
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. With that, I mean there there
• 49:42
  were a lot of other questions here also that was not
• 49:44
  comfortable to answer. What would you say?
• 49:46
  What would you say if I tell you the same question about a
• 49:48
  financial partner? Would you allow your financial
• 49:50
  partner to go all your books no matter what?
• 49:54
  No, I I wouldn't want that either.
• 49:56
  No, you have to. That's something else.
• 49:57
  Financial, financial, financial. Yeah.
• 49:59
  I thought you meant like, No, no, no, no.
• 50:00
  Just you have a business partner house, no, a business, no, a
• 50:03
  business partner going through the expense.
• 50:05
  They have the right they you, but it's uncomfortable.
• 50:07
  I don't want them knowing that I spent some of our money there
• 50:10
  when they should have spent somewhere else.
• 50:12
  Yeah, I mean, that's not by the question you asked.
• 50:14
  Is it OK to fake happiness in a marriage for the sake of kids?
• 50:17
  And I'd like you to elaborate in that question because this is,
• 50:20
  you know, this one. This is a big one.
• 50:21
  You know, I'm going to go with the with the cursing on this.
• 50:24
  Also, I don't curse in front of my kids ever.
• 50:26
  And I curse a lot and and and I don't.
• 50:29
  Think you're a big curser? No, no, no.
• 50:30
  But I but I, I don't even do it in business.
• 50:33
  I just do it. What do you do it?
• 50:34
  To behind closed doors, closed your cell phones, my therapist
• 50:38
  No, but the point is that like, am I?
• 50:40
  I'm not being fake when I come home.
• 50:42
  It's just the rule. It's like a certain thing like I
• 50:44
  have, right? So I'm wondering if the same
• 50:46
  thing could be applied as a rule when you're coming into your
• 50:49
  house and you're dealing with the challenge with your spouse
• 50:51
  and your kids are seeing, is it OK to sort of like it's fake,
• 50:55
  but it's not meaning like getting along or happy or so on.
• 50:57
  So that was weird. I think to really give this
• 50:59
  please question a little more credence, I think you have to
• 51:01
  look at the two extremes. Let's talk about two people that
• 51:05
  have not been getting along for a long time.
• 51:07
  They have a hard time even being around each other.
• 51:10
  Like, they're really, really just not In Sync whatsoever.
• 51:14
  And they choose to live this way and stay married for the next 25
• 51:19
  years for the sake of their kids, whatever that means.
• 51:22
  And we'll get to the minute if that's the right approach.
• 51:24
  And they're basically not happy. But they're putting on a front
• 51:28
  for what they think is, is a greater good for the sake of the
• 51:32
  family or is it better to just you get divorced, just move on
• 51:38
  and that will give you a better outcome.
• 51:40
  And you're actually not even getting the benefits you think
• 51:42
  you're getting because that direction is causing more harm.
• 51:44
  Those are kind of the two ways. And obviously we have a little
• 51:47
  bit of area in the middle, but those are the two extreme things
• 51:50
  like I was. Going to say the area in the
• 51:51
  middle means obviously you don't just get divorced.
• 51:53
  You go through therapy, you get out, you try.
• 51:55
  But you realize after all that, that I guess, right?
• 51:58
  Let's just, you know, put a bow on this question.
• 52:02
  So the answer is each case is really an individual case
• 52:05
  sometimes. So if we go back to the hot
• 52:07
  Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it depends what's needed.
• 52:09
  So I have a good friend of mine, Davan and Shul.
• 52:12
  He tells me his grandmother was in the DP camp right after the
• 52:15
  war lost her entire family. His grandfather was also the
• 52:19
  same DP camp, he says, and his grandmother was like smoking a
• 52:21
  cigarette, like with that little, that extra piece of the
• 52:23
  hand of those times. And his grandfather goes over to
• 52:26
  grandmother, says, you know, I have no family.
• 52:29
  I heard you have no family. We'd like to get married.
• 52:31
  And she's holding the cigarette. She goes look like a nice man.
• 52:35
  Yeah, I'll marry you. And he says, like, they stayed
• 52:37
  married and they were different and they had ups and downs and a
• 52:40
  Maslow's level on the first level.
• 52:43
  They needed to live. They just needed a nice Jewish
• 52:46
  boy, a nice Jewish girl. Heard she has, you know, lost
• 52:50
  everything. She looks nice.
• 52:52
  She doesn't seem overly traumatic.
• 52:53
  She's not yelling and screaming. They're waiting for food.
• 52:55
  He's he noticed. It but they stayed at level 1.
• 52:58
  So here's where the question is. So if a marriage at level 1,
• 53:02
  they're not fighting, they're not damaging the kids if that
• 53:04
  marriage can stay that way and that's their choice.
• 53:07
  Remember, I'm not judging. I can't judge what's best for
• 53:10
  you and I don't want you to judge what's best for me.
• 53:12
  If that couple chooses to do that, then that's OK.
• 53:15
  If they now choose if they can live amicable or not damaged and
• 53:20
  then go to a second level, we're OK.
• 53:22
  You know, we pay the bills together.
• 53:24
  We'll go to weddings together. But I have my friends, you have
• 53:26
  your friends. It's almost like texting you
• 53:27
  doing this, doing that. Chavez, however it works out and
• 53:31
  they're OK with that. Do that.
• 53:33
  We can talk about the damages of that.
• 53:35
  Bolin is a major family therapist, and he shares that
• 53:38
  what the children are seeing at home is actually going to
• 53:41
  emulate. That's how their brain, the
• 53:43
  subconscious and conscious thinks.
• 53:44
  This is normal. So when many times children come
• 53:47
  from dysfunctional, abusive homes where their father or
• 53:50
  mother used to beat them, now they're not hitting, but they're
• 53:53
  yelling and screaming and there's such resentment.
• 53:56
  And when you tell them you, you see what you're doing, they go,
• 53:58
  no, no, you have no idea how healthy I am.
• 54:00
  I am the most healthiest person because what I grew up was
• 54:03
  unhealthy. And you're trying to tell them,
• 54:05
  no, this is still unhealthy. Their brain can't recognize it.
• 54:10
  So that's sometimes the challenge when we think, OK,
• 54:12
  we're staying in the marriage on the end.
• 54:14
  What about the other case? And I again, I don't want anyone
• 54:16
  to jump because whenever you talk about when you question
• 54:18
  someone gets divorced, somehow when you push them to stay, you
• 54:21
  get whatever. But what about when you teach
• 54:24
  people to divorce? You just bailed and sometimes
• 54:27
  they go. It was so abusive, right?
• 54:29
  But did you try everything? Did you invest in it?
• 54:33
  Were you willing to sometimes take challenges and sometimes
• 54:36
  the kids learn we just bail on things.
• 54:39
  So we have to have both ways. It's did you do your best?
• 54:42
  It's not other judging. No one will ever know what
• 54:45
  really happened. No one, barely the therapist
• 54:47
  does. And serenity.
• 54:48
  Our goal is to give you top notch private practice
• 54:52
  experience in an agency setting. That means we take all
• 54:54
  insurances and this is individual, this is grouped and
• 54:58
  this is most importantly, you can do it in person, on Zoom, or
• 55:01
  even over the phone. We're here to help you break the
• 55:04
  stigma, get help and have it affordable.
• 55:07
  Let's go back to this lightning man.
• 55:08
  There were a couple of questions here where you weren't able to
• 55:10
  answer yes or no. Can exes truly bit as friends?
• 55:13
  That question came from like a husband and wife that you know,
• 55:16
  and the and the kids are seeing it, you know, like is it OK to
• 55:18
  be friends? And there are families that do
• 55:20
  things they go on cruises together.
• 55:22
  Is that OK? Is that like, you know, I'm
• 55:23
  assuming the answer is obviously it's OK, right?
• 55:25
  It's encouraged. It's not obviously when when
• 55:28
  they're exes, yeah. So there's a lot of challenges.
• 55:30
  It's very confusing because sometimes they get along and
• 55:32
  when there's an ex that means there was a divorce, it means we
• 55:35
  couldn't get along. It's but then and going on
• 55:38
  cruises together we're your long terms together.
• 55:41
  You're a long time on a boat where you can't get off.
• 55:44
  There's a reason why there's a divorce.
• 55:46
  Either him or her or you're triggering each other.
• 55:48
  You could be great people, but together it's just.
• 55:51
  What if together for three days they're perfect and they can go
• 55:54
  on? Because I actually know of
• 55:55
  couples that got divorced and with their kids, they spend, you
• 55:58
  know, they go to Florida together and stay in separate
• 56:00
  houses. But it's.
• 56:01
  Like the point that's space, here's space, Sure, absolutely.
• 56:04
  That's OK. Most of the time the divorces is
• 56:08
  because we can't handle it. So just take a classic example.
• 56:11
  He likes being on time to something, she's two hours late
• 56:14
  or vice versa. And they're now together on this
• 56:16
  cruise and they're going to sit together and once again she's
• 56:20
  late and he's like, are we waiting for her?
• 56:21
  Like why don't you text your mother?
• 56:22
  Where is she coming? Like we're waiting the whole
• 56:24
  family and you're going to. So the triggers that happen are
• 56:28
  they don't leave the divorce is saying I can't handle your
• 56:30
  triggers or you can't handle my triggers.
• 56:31
  I had a friend of mine that once got divorced and he came to me
• 56:34
  afterwards and he said, why didn't you warn me?
• 56:38
  Why didn't you tell me? You knew she was whatever, fill
• 56:41
  in the blank, right? And I said to him, you were
• 56:43
  already engaged. It's like my father once taught
• 56:47
  me a long time ago, if the woman is at the wedding asking you,
• 56:50
  how do I look in this dress, you look amazing.
• 56:53
  No matter what you you're already at the wedding, It's too
• 56:55
  late. If you're in the bathroom and
• 56:56
  you're changing and you wonder how I look, OK, you know you
• 56:59
  have a RIP in the back. You should fix it or it doesn't.
• 57:01
  It's not fitting, right? So that same story, like what
• 57:04
  are you supposed to say to a friend?
• 57:05
  If you have a friend that's dating someone and you realize
• 57:07
  they're they're doing something terrible to them and it's not
• 57:09
  bringing the best out of them. I'll share with you a great
• 57:12
  story. Or in the bundle colony where
• 57:13
  someone shares with me that his father, he's a bit of a rebel,
• 57:17
  like, you know, and his father calls up the principal and says,
• 57:20
  what do you say? Information about this girl?
• 57:21
  He goes, run away, she's a rebel.
• 57:24
  He goes, sounds like my son. And they're married and happily
• 57:27
  married and like each pot's got its cover.
• 57:30
  You're saying keep, it's none of your business, keep out of it.
• 57:32
  There's information you feel that might help them or be aware
• 57:35
  of, then just say you know this and this.
• 57:37
  That's a great point, by the way, that you're saying.
• 57:38
  So I should tell my divorced friend who's asking me why you
• 57:41
  didn't say anything. The answer is because I don't
• 57:43
  know your situation. And sometimes for a person that
• 57:46
  might be arrogant, their spouse potential is a person that's not
• 57:49
  so arrogant. That's right.
• 57:50
  So you know, I wanted to say your spouse potential is is
• 57:53
  arrogant. That's what works for you.
• 57:54
  That's right. Yeah, exactly.
• 57:56
  So I, I do like that one of the other questions we went through
• 57:58
  also here, which I thought was a fun one, which was can, can a
• 58:01
  man and a woman be friends? And I know it's potentially
• 58:04
  taboo and it's a challenge and, you know, what do you do with
• 58:07
  that? But I have to tell you in
• 58:08
  business, I'm friends with a lot of women and I'm genuinely
• 58:11
  friends with them. And I think that I'm, I'm
• 58:15
  sanctifying the world that we live in and God and our religion
• 58:19
  and Judaism, when I'm respectful to them and I can just befriend,
• 58:22
  they know they can call me for advice.
• 58:24
  And I go to a lot of trade shows and I want the people at the
• 58:27
  trade shows to know that you can be respectful and respectable
• 58:31
  when it comes to the opposite sex.
• 58:32
  And I think it's important to recognize there's a limitation
• 58:36
  and there's a boundary, right? So how do you do that?
• 58:38
  How do you create the, how do you give a message to people who
• 58:40
  are in the business world, especially young men and women
• 58:43
  who are going into the business world who they're they're like
• 58:46
  deer in the headlights at a trade show.
• 58:48
  Like, Oh my God, I've never hung out with so many of the
• 58:49
  opposite, you know, type of people in my life.
• 58:51
  Like suddenly I'm with men and I've never been with men.
• 58:53
  It's only with women. I've never been with women.
• 58:55
  So how do you go about that, you know, challenge and balance that
• 58:59
  respect versus being friends versus, you know, taking it to
• 59:02
  the next level? I think this depends on various
• 59:06
  levels. So first of all, the person over
• 59:07
  various factors. There's a religious level.
• 59:10
  How comfortable are you? Like what does friendship means
• 59:12
  friendship talking and doing the business is friendship.
• 59:15
  Shaking hands is friendship giving a hug and you need to go
• 59:18
  through your religion level, get through that filter.
• 59:21
  So this way you're now comfortable with what you're
• 59:23
  doing. Then comes the second part of
• 59:25
  learning to interact with other people.
• 59:27
  There's like a a tremendous amount of therapist that will
• 59:29
  men will only work with men and women that will only work with
• 59:32
  women. And I think that's wonderful.
• 59:34
  But I personally found them, the ones that I speak to is as a
• 59:37
  therapist, I need to be able to work with both because if I'm
• 59:40
  working with a husband, I don't see the prospective side of the
• 59:42
  women. I haven't dealt with that at
• 59:43
  all. It impacts me.
• 59:45
  But it's a professional relationship where it could be
• 59:47
  high and like we're, we're really getting into things, but
• 59:50
  it's on that level. So I think everyone really needs
• 59:52
  training on how to get comfortable where you are based
• 59:56
  on your person and your religion level.
• 59:59
  So I think for from people, that's their boundary.
• 1:00:02
  I don't remember what you said about fear or love what?
• 1:00:04
  Which one did you pick? I would probably pick love, but
• 1:00:06
  I said both because I, I'm very, I like very much the 8020 rule.
• 1:00:11
  Like I use it all over in life. Some business is the concept
• 1:00:13
  that 20% of your clients will take 80% of your time and you
• 1:00:17
  want to put 20% of the challenges to 20%.
• 1:00:20
  You want 80% actually focusing on the clients and the customers
• 1:00:22
  that are good. The same 8020 rule has been
• 1:00:25
  proven in psychology that when you want to the psychologist
• 1:00:29
  name is Doctor Gottman. He is a PhD psychologist.
• 1:00:32
  He was also an MIT mathematician and it's brilliant.
• 1:00:35
  He's able to predict a divorce to 91% when an average therapist
• 1:00:39
  could get maybe 35%. So he took mathematics and he
• 1:00:43
  combined it with psychology. So one of his metrics to see how
• 1:00:46
  a marriage will go, I can mention a couple of them, is so
• 1:00:49
  we're sort of in a room like this, a camera on the other
• 1:00:53
  side, a glass, you know, a mirrored glass, A1 sided mirror.
• 1:00:57
  And one of the things he has like on the chair, something
• 1:00:59
  called the Jig Ometer, he calls it.
• 1:01:01
  And that is to see how many times the husband and wife are
• 1:01:03
  looking at each other or the relationship is and the cheer
• 1:01:06
  shaking. And there's like an average
• 1:01:08
  number that normal couples have when you don't like each other
• 1:01:10
  or when you like and then like if you hate each other, like the
• 1:01:12
  jiggalometers, like off the charts, that's one of them.
• 1:01:15
  Is it actually called the jiggalometers?
• 1:01:17
  That's a great name. Isn't that a great name?
• 1:01:19
  So he has another concept, which is called the five to one
• 1:01:22
  principle. And this is great for anyone in
• 1:01:24
  marriage or anyone having a relationship that you want to
• 1:01:26
  build. And he says for every 5
• 1:01:29
  compliments that you give the person, or in his case it's
• 1:01:32
  marriage, your spouse, you can give one critical comment.
• 1:01:35
  He says marriage is when he's doing marriage work and they see
• 1:01:38
  the failure. It's 5 to one in reverse.
• 1:01:40
  There's five criticism for everyone compliment that they
• 1:01:43
  give. It's the same 8020 principle.
• 1:01:46
  That means if you take 5 * 2 is 10, you get 2 criticism for
• 1:01:52
  every 10 comments for every 8 positives.
• 1:01:56
  So now fear or love, if you're going to allow 20% of your
• 1:02:01
  customers take over your whole business, you're going to be
• 1:02:04
  you. You'll be ignoring the good
• 1:02:05
  customers. You can be losing your whole
• 1:02:07
  business. If you're always busy
• 1:02:08
  complimenting. You're so great, you're so
• 1:02:10
  great, but something bothers you and you resent it.
• 1:02:12
  You keep it in and you don't address it.
• 1:02:14
  You don't give that 5 to one ratio.
• 1:02:16
  You're going to end up resenting your spouse. 5 compliments.
• 1:02:20
  Notice 5 things that you like something that you don't like
• 1:02:23
  and discuss it. So therefore, I feel it should
• 1:02:24
  be 80% love, 20% fair. That's how I would answer that.
• 1:02:28
  Well, that's a great answer. I have to tell you, my brother,
• 1:02:30
  Rabbi Yitzhak Greenfield, he's a marriage therapist, counselor.
• 1:02:34
  He just created. This is your brother?
• 1:02:35
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:02:36
  He's a good friend of mine. We're together on that radio
• 1:02:38
  that that pirated. The pirated radio.
• 1:02:40
  Brilliant. Yeah, yeah, he's very good.
• 1:02:42
  I know that he just came out with a whole program of dealing
• 1:02:45
  with, you know, marriage challenges and he.
• 1:02:48
  It has a game integrated into it to to work on your end.
• 1:02:51
  He once said. And something that resonated
• 1:02:53
  with me and I'll end with this, he said you have to wake up
• 1:02:56
  every every single morning with the cup being empty.
• 1:03:00
  And it's your job to fill up that cup.
• 1:03:02
  And that cup gets filled up with compliments.
• 1:03:05
  It gets filled up with love, it gets filled up with recognition.
• 1:03:08
  You wake up in the morning, good morning, you look amazing today
• 1:03:11
  or have a great day. I'm going to miss you.
• 1:03:13
  Those are filling up the cup. And that I took that to the bank
• 1:03:16
  and it works for me tremendously in my relationships.
• 1:03:18
  And it just helps with children, with spouses, with friends, with
• 1:03:22
  business partners. Business partners.
• 1:03:25
  People forget that, you know, your business partner.
• 1:03:27
  It's not just all about business.
• 1:03:29
  It has to be the emotion side. It has to be the relationship.
• 1:03:31
  You come in, you see your business partner.
• 1:03:32
  Good morning. Wow, you look good today.
• 1:03:34
  I like your sweater. You know, at trade shows, it's
• 1:03:36
  one thing I teach everybody is the first thing you say to
• 1:03:39
  someone is a compliment. And there's always something to
• 1:03:41
  compliment someone with. So that's what I learned from my
• 1:03:43
  brother Yitzy. And that's what I call him, by
• 1:03:46
  the way. He's great.
• 1:03:47
  And yeah, I appreciate that. Before we let you go, though,
• 1:03:50
  we're going to ask you one final question, which we always ask
• 1:03:53
  every guest is did you enjoy yourself?
• 1:03:55
  I had a great time. This was a lot of fun.
• 1:03:57
  OK, great. You have any questions for us?
• 1:04:00
  Where did she go? She is running a business for us
• 1:04:04
  and with us and he has sometimes a hard stop.
• 1:04:07
  So he disappeared. But I want to tell you, I'm
• 1:04:09
  feeling that penis in this chair and I hope that I'm doing a good
• 1:04:11
  job taking it over. So we have one final question
• 1:04:14
  for you, which is who would be a great guest on the None of Your
• 1:04:18
  Business podcast in your opinion someone that you can, you know,
• 1:04:21
  pick that would be a great guest in your seat?
• 1:04:24
  So we have by us a board member of Serenity because we're
• 1:04:27
  not-for-profit and her name is Bossy Friedman.
• 1:04:30
  I know, bossy. She is very attuned, very aware
• 1:04:34
  to what's happening. She wears many hats and she is a
• 1:04:37
  major motor that's helping us be where we're at and she she has a
• 1:04:41
  tremendous impact on so many different industries.
• 1:04:43
  So you know what we just talked about this Bossy is actually a
• 1:04:46
  good friend of mine and we speak all the time at shows and
• 1:04:49
  conferences and, you know, we talk about the clinic that, you
• 1:04:52
  know, you guys have and, and the things that she's doing.
• 1:04:55
  You guys have an amazing event that you do annually as an
• 1:04:58
  organization where you bring the police officers and the
• 1:05:00
  firefighters and all the different people to the fields
• 1:05:03
  and everyone to Can you get her on the horn?
• 1:05:06
  I prepared a yesterday. Yeah.
• 1:05:11
  Hi, Bossy. I am right now on the None of
• 1:05:14
  Your Business podcast with Michael Greenfield.
• 1:05:16
  Wow. That's awesome.
• 1:05:18
  It is. And he asked me if I could think
• 1:05:21
  of one person that I would think would be a great person to come
• 1:05:24
  on to this program. And I said there is no one like
• 1:05:29
  our board member, someone that has been a driving force every
• 1:05:32
  step of the way. And you've had such a powerful
• 1:05:34
  impact on Spring Valley and Muncie and so many different
• 1:05:38
  areas and different businesses. And I think you have a lot that
• 1:05:41
  you can offer. So you're on speaker with
• 1:05:43
  Michael over here. That was a great pitch.
• 1:05:45
  Bossy. Hi.
• 1:05:46
  Hi. How are you?
• 1:05:49
  You're so lucky to have voice. I want, I want to preface it.
• 1:05:52
  I want to preface it by saying I called you a friend.
• 1:05:55
  And I'll and I'll tell you and I'll clarify it to anyone
• 1:05:57
  listening. I have a rule.
• 1:05:59
  If there's anyone that I help or that helps me in life, I call
• 1:06:02
  them a friend. If there's anyone that I learned
• 1:06:04
  something from, I call them a rabbi.
• 1:06:06
  So Mordecai, you're now my rabbi.
• 1:06:08
  Bossy. You've always been my friend.
• 1:06:10
  Bossy, do you accept? Oh, wow.
• 1:06:11
  Put on the spot here, guys. That's the idea.
• 1:06:19
  I mean, I sure why not? I would love to share with the
• 1:06:20
  world, you know, my experiences in life.
• 1:06:24
  OK. Amazing.
• 1:06:25
  And do you consider me a friend? You're absolutely OK.
• 1:06:29
  All right. Well, Michael, you're amazing.
• 1:06:32
  Thank you. Talk to you soon.
• 1:06:33
  See you soon. All right, guys, that's a wrap.
• 1:06:36
  Thank you everyone for joining. Don't forget to like and
• 1:06:39
  subscribe. Thank you again, Prime Source,
• 1:06:41
  our production team, our amazing production team, and thank you
• 1:06:44
  for Serenity for being such a valuable partner and sponsor of
• 1:06:47
  the None of Your Business podcast.
• 1:06:49
  Thank you. All right.
• 1:06:50
  Amazing.