Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #292 Goodbye Benson

Transcript

#292 Goodbye Benson · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Now, there's something extraordinarily powerful about going through that and
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: helping the kids to have that experience to mourn and
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: a grieve, to understand the impermanence of life.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: And now here's the scars of our show, my mum
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: and dad.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Well, this is going to be an unexpectedly difficult podcast
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: to work our way through. My name's Justin Coulson. I'm
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: here with Kylie, my wife, where parents have six daughters,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: and today we're going to be talking about a really
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: funny conversation that Kylie had just last week with her
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: sister who rang to say, I'm thinking about getting a dog,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: and Kylie spent how long telling her not to get
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: a dog.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Well, she was actually literally she was in the car
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: and she was driving to the play to pick up
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: a dog.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: She had the kids in the car. They were going
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: to get the dog, and you made a turn around
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: and not get the dog.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Well, by the time I'd finished with her, I'd done
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: a pretty good job at convincing her that this was
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: not a good decision. And I still stand beside that conversation.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Dogs are a pain, right. They're noisy and you've got
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: to pick up after them, and they cost money, and
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: they sleep on the couch and they leave hair everywhere.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: And they bark, and hope your neighbors aren't particularly kind.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Then you have all kinds of neighborly disputes.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: And so that was the conversation we were going to have.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: And like you said, you stand by those arguments against
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: a dog even though we have a dog or had
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: a dog, because on Friday you took our dog to
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: the vet and he's had a tumor growing for a while,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: and the vet pretty much said, I don't think you
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: should take the dog home. I need to take care
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: of him here now and he's not going to come
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: back home. And so then you had to make a
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: decision do I take the dog home or do I
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: leave him here until you brought him home. And for
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: the next couple of hours, our family spent our final
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: goodbyes with Benson before we took him to the vet
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: on Friday night. So this podcast is about saying goodbye
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: to a dog, and it's probably going to be a
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: bit hard for us to get through, and it might
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: not be very long because it hurt, and it's so
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: funny because dogs are a pain. For all the reasons.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: I didn't even want a dog. More than decade ago.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: I got ambushed one long weekend because the RSPCA was
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: having a half priced sale. They hadn't they were inundated
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: with animals, and my mother in law said, let's just
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: go and have a look. Whoever goes and has a
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: look and doesn't come home with a dog. I knew
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: that i'd.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Lost the lost the argument.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: I'd lost the argument from the moment I got into
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: that car. There was no way we were coming home
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: without a dog. But you know, I made it really
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: clear about if we were going to get a dog,
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: knowing that I had lost the argument from the beginning,
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: that I would choose the dog. And I've stood by
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: the fact that I chose Benson all those years ago.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: But I think the reality is he chose.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: Us just the most beautiful dog. We have, this black
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: lab with the most perfect temperament and the most delightful
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: fun way of being. And we would love to tell
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: you about Benson and all the memories that we have,
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: but that's not really the purpose of this podcast, because
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: ultimately this is a podcast for a time poor parent
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: who wants answers, And I guess there's some questions to answer,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: questions about whether you should have a dog, whether or
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: the drama and the pain of having the dog is
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: worth it, and what we can do to help our
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: children to get through the loss of a pet. So
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: what I thought we'd do in this conversation is we'll
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: share a little bit about what happened that afternoon and
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: what we did with our kids to help them to
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: get through the evening and the weekend and everything associated
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: with it. So we went down to the vet around
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: about five point thirty on Friday night. The vet had said,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I'm closing up, but you can come in and you
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: can be my last person in the clinic. That way,
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: it'll be quiet and you'll have the place to yourself.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: So you brought him home from the vet. The kids
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: came home and they spent as much time as they
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: could giving him treats and giving him all sorts of love.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: We told them immediately exactly what was going to be happening.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: I was amazing, you know. Through that process, I watched
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: Benson had really taken a turn for the worse. Within
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: that last twenty four hours, and he was just on
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: his bed and wasn't going anywhere, and one by one
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: the girls kind of retreated to their rooms and had
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: their little cries on their own, and then they just
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: would come out at different points and spend some one
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: on one time with him, and it was it was
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: just beautiful to watch as they said their own little
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: goodbyes to him, and I loved how there was just
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: so much respect for each person in allowing them the
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: time that they needed. No one kind of crowded in
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: or took over. Was just one on one time, and
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: everybody seemed to just understand and know that that was
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: an important part of the process for them.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: I didn't talk to the girls about it, but we
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: decided that we weren't going to have him cremated. So
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: I went into the yard with a shovel and I
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: dug a hole as deep as I could, and then
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: we put him in the car. At five point thirty,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: we went down to the vets and the vet was
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: so good. They lit a candle out in the front office,
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: just which basically said if there's a candle burning, someone's
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: saying goodbye or pet. They sat with us, We put
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: Benson on his blanket. They gave him a catheter and
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: then put a muscle relaxant into the catheter, and he
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: just laid there for a couple of minutes, really peaceful,
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: really really relaxed, and I felt like we were I mean,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: we were so sad and we were doing okay though
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: until that moment when Emily, our seven year old, she
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: had decided at the last minute that she didn't want
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: to be in the room, and then she changed he
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: mind once she was out in the foyer on her own,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: and she came back into the room and saw Benson
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: laying there, and just in this big, tearful outburst, she said,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: goodbye Benson, and I gave it this great big hug,
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: and ah, boy, it was tough. It was just so tough.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: And then the vet obviously gave him the final injection,
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: and about thirty seconds later he put his stepth of
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: scope on Benson's chest and said he's gone. And so
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: we wrapped him up in that blanket of his and
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: put him back into the car and brought him home
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: and we stood around this little grave that I dug
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: in the backyard and had a little funeral service for
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: our dog. It didn't take too long. Well, it took
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: a little while because there's a lot of us, but
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: we just shared our favorite memories of Benson.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: And then little Emily just gets us every time. When
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: it was turned she she was so articulate as she
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: expressed how she was feeling. She just said, I feel
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: like something's broken inside me and I don't know if
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: it will ever get fixed. I think that's how we
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: all felt are feeling a little bit at the moment.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Which is so funny because I never wanted to dog.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: You never, I didn't want a.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: Dog, but you know, even just you know, walking down
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: the hallway to hang the washing out in the laundry,
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Bens would always follow me. And because we've got floorboards,
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: I could just hear his little feet pitter patter. And
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: the other day when I went to i'd hang the washing,
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: it was just quiet. He's waiting at the gate. When
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: we drive in the driveway, he sits under the table.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: I'm so used to him meeting me as I get
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: out of the car and walking up the stairs with
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: me into the house. And so this week we're saying
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: goodbye to our dog of a little over ten years,
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: that rescue dog that you didn't really want, and that
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: dog who has frankly and honestly driven me crazy. I've
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: been so cranky. Stop barking, stop upsetting the neighbors, stop
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: escaping from our yard and making everyone on Facebook talk
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: about that dog that's escaped again. And yet and yet
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: here we are so in terms of the conversation that
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: we want to share with you. Well, first of all,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: we wanted to share with you what we've experienced over
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: the weekend because so many families go through it. But
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: I guess it kind of prompts that conversation, doesn't it.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Is it a good idea or aboud idea to have
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: a dog? You've had that conversation with your sister and said,
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: don't don't do it, You're crazy. Dogs are a pain,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: dogs are annoying. You don't want to do this to yourself.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: And yet there's something about the fact that we've lost
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Benson and said goodbye to him, and I am just
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: so grateful for the discomfort. I'm so grateful for the sadness.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for the pain and sorrow that we felt.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: There's something extraordinarily powerful about going through that and helping
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: the kids to have that experience to mourn and to grieve,
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: and to understand the impermanence of life.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: I still stand by the list I gave my sister.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Dogs are a pain. It's true, they are a pain.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: I agree too.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: And yet, but a friend, after she found out about Benson,
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: she sent me a little Facebook article that she has
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: obviously found and she just said, if a dog was
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: a teacher, you would learn things like when your loved
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: one comes home, always run to greet them. Never pass
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: up the opportunity to go for a joybride. Allow the
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: experience of fresh air and the wind in your face
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: to be pure ecstasy. Take naps, stretch before rising, run,
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: romp and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: On warm days, stop to lie on your back on
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: and wake your entire body. Delight in the simple joy
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: of a long walk. Be faithful, Never pretend to be
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: something you're not. If what you want lies buried dick
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: until you find it. If that hour when somebody is
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: having a bad day, just be silent and sit close
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: by and nuzzle them gently. That's the secret of happiness
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: that we can learn from a good dog.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that sounds like our Benson. So to take our
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: message from this slightly different podcast, we've normally got a
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: lot of energy. We're normally excited to share positive ideas
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: without making your family happy. The take home message, I
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: think is whether you get a dog or not is
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: really up to you or a pet of any kind.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: We can't tell you whether that's a good or a
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: bad idea, even though you told your sister that it
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: was a bad idea. But if you can, I think
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: you should because what we've felt over these last few
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: days is we farewelled. Our beautiful dog makes me feel
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: so alive, makes me feel so grateful for life, and
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: those memories like the day that he stole about a
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: dozen steaks off the side of the barbecue before I
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: had time to cook them for the dinner that we
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: were having people come over for. Boy boy Okay, I.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: Think the reality is when you can feel such deep loss,
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: it's just an acknowledgment that you've loved so deeply. And
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: if I could go back and have that conversation with
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: my sister.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: You'd still tell them not to get the Kelpy, wouldn't you.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: I still would tell him not to get the Kelpie,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: maybe a smaller dog that's less active.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: But I probably would encourage her to find the right
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: dog that their family could love, because they're just something
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: so beautiful about having had Benson in our lives that
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: I would never want to miss out on.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: I think it's going to be a little while before
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: we get another dog. We need to take our time
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: with that. And I know that you don't think we'll
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: ever get another one, but I've just got this feeling
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: it's just a bit of an inkling that we might
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: possibly end up grieving the loss of another dog one day,
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: because they really are man's best friend. We really hope
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: that you've enjoyed the podcast. Like I said, a bit
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: of a different one today. We hope that it helps
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: to make your family appreciate what you have or think
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: seriously about what life offers. And we hope that the tips,
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: as simple as they are, can help you if you
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: ever go through something like that with a pet of
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: your own or a loved one of your own, when
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: grief and loss come into your life. As always, the
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: more ideas about making your family happy, you can find
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: them at happy families dot com dot A you goodbye, Benson,