Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / I Thought She Was Nagging, But She Was Just Expressing Feelings

Transcript

I Thought She Was Nagging, But She Was Just Expressing Feelings · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  I honestly thought my wife was an unhappy, nagging, complaining
• 0:04
  ass person, right? But of course, as I diagnose
• 0:06
  narcissist, I'm going to misinterpret a lot of things.
• 0:09
  Of course, as I diagnose narcissist, I'm going to see the
• 0:12
  world through my own kind of narcissistic lens, is right?
• 0:15
  And of course, she wasn't actually nagging, she was just
• 0:19
  feeling unheard. So that's what we talked about
• 0:21
  today, y'all? How I and other narcissist
• 0:24
  misinterpret people's feelings when it when it affects us
• 0:27
  negatively, when it makes us feel bad at about ourselves and
• 0:31
  how we feel internally. How we feel as a person when we
• 0:34
  take your feelings or the feeling feelings of other people
• 0:38
  as as a personal attacks instead of just constructive criticism
• 0:42
  and love coming from a different place right?
• 0:44
  But before we hop too deep into the make sure you hit that
• 0:46
  subscribe button y'all if you don't know the story.
• 0:49
  My wife had left for the last time around what?
• 0:52
  This is February, March of 2020, right around when the pandemic
• 0:56
  was first getting kicked off and 1st getting started and the
• 0:59
  governor, right, I think it was Roy Cooper at the time had lit
• 1:02
  had it had like put out a stay at home order, right?
• 1:06
  And guess what? She did not stay at home.
• 1:08
  She she left. She packed herself up and left.
• 1:11
  And of course, I wasn't taking any type of accountability.
• 1:13
  I was blaming her. Blah, blah, blah, Boo Boo Boo
• 1:15
  Boo Boo. Y'all get it?
• 1:16
  Y'all get out of mind of a narcissist where I don't need to
• 1:18
  go into detail, but honestly, we had a couple marriage counseling
• 1:22
  sessions and I feel like that's what helped me out right before
• 1:25
  I go, I go any further. This is in no way, shape or form
• 1:30
  an endorsement for you to go to marriage counseling with an
• 1:33
  abusive narcissistic partner. This is not an endorsement.
• 1:36
  I have been in therapy for nine years, right?
• 1:38
  So my mind works a little different, right?
• 1:40
  And this is not, this is not me saying I'm the best narcissist
• 1:43
  in the world. This is just me stating factual
• 1:45
  data that I've had nine years of therapy, right?
• 1:47
  Don't let my therapy journey influence you to go to therapy
• 1:49
  with a lying, manipulative, cheating, narcissistic bastard.
• 1:53
  OK, that's it right there. But in reality, like we went to
• 1:56
  marriage counseling and the therapist let her talk, you
• 1:59
  know, he's on Zoom. So she muted me and just let my
• 2:01
  wife have a few minutes to just get her, get it all out of her
• 2:04
  system. And when my wife was talking,
• 2:06
  right, the whole time she was talking in my mind, I'm like,
• 2:09
  she is nagging, she is complaining.
• 2:11
  She's only talking about the bad stuff, right?
• 2:13
  That's how I saw it. I felt like everything that she
• 2:16
  was saying was 100% a personal attack on me from her own skewed
• 2:20
  perspective or something, that it was her dad's fault, right?
• 2:23
  Your dad wasn't there. So that's why you misinterpret
• 2:26
  things that a real man does. You don't know how a real man is
• 2:29
  supposed to act, right? But of course, I was not acting
• 2:31
  and behaving and treating her like a real man should.
• 2:33
  Of course. I yeah, I get, I get that.
• 2:35
  Just back off. Give me, give me a little.
• 2:36
  Give me a little grace. Damn, now, but for real, though,
• 2:41
  I was I was really not a good partner at that time.
• 2:44
  But while she was talking under new because this is over zoom,
• 2:47
  right while she was talking, I'm taking notes under the camera,
• 2:50
  right. You like I'm writing right now.
• 2:53
  You can't tell that I'm writing because you can't see my hands
• 2:55
  moving, but I'm taking notes on the under the camera just so I
• 2:58
  can have a rebuttal to everything that she's saying.
• 3:01
  Like everything that she's saying I have an excuse for.
• 3:04
  I'm going to like I cannot wait to talk.
• 3:06
  I'm expose you for how wrong you are, right?
• 3:08
  Because I had been in therapy so long, when it came my turn to
• 3:11
  talk, I took a second right. I was just like, what is she
• 3:15
  actually saying? Is she actually complaining or
• 3:19
  is she actually telling the truth right?
• 3:21
  Am I misinterpreting her complaints as the, her truth as
• 3:28
  a complaint, right, Is what she's saying.
• 3:31
  Does it hold any water? Is it valid in any way, shape or
• 3:33
  form? And of course it did, man.
• 3:36
  Of course I took my time with a response, with a reply.
• 3:39
  I told, I told her I just, I straight, I like, you know what?
• 3:42
  I got to do something different here, right?
• 3:44
  I have to change my way. I, I, I, I can't keep doing the
• 3:47
  same thing because she's like, honestly, I, like, she's in
• 3:51
  control right now. She can like she doesn't have to
• 3:53
  come back. Like if I want her to come back,
• 3:56
  I have to be willing to sit right here and listen.
• 3:59
  I have to be willing to take a little accountability or or else
• 4:02
  she's not going to come back. Y'all don't know how the mind of
• 4:04
  a narcissist works? I'm also thinking like, I can
• 4:06
  find somebody else. I can find a different person,
• 4:08
  right? That's true.
• 4:09
  A lot of narcissists can find different people.
• 4:11
  They can find a new supply, but it will never be the same,
• 4:14
  right? But that's one thing I literally
• 4:16
  had to acknowledge in my own journey that I could find
• 4:18
  somebody else, but it wouldn't be the same.
• 4:20
  I could feign happiness. I could feign like I was making
• 4:22
  a better decision, but it wouldn't.
• 4:24
  But so I really had to sit there and think, I like, she's not
• 4:27
  nagging. She's telling the uncomfortable
• 4:30
  truth for me. It's not.
• 4:31
  It was uncomfortable for her as well because we needed a
• 4:34
  marriage counselor for her even to be able to, to have the
• 4:36
  courage to say that right, to feel like and for not only have
• 4:39
  a marriage counselor for not us not to be in the same room, for
• 4:42
  us not to be in the same house under the same roof, for her to
• 4:44
  feel comfortable enough to say that.
• 4:46
  So I had to like literally sit there and take.
• 4:48
  I was like, and when it became my turn to talk, instead of
• 4:52
  unleashing all this stuff that I had written down to say, I
• 4:56
  literally said you're right. You're 100% right.
• 5:02
  I don't have the authority to tell you how you should feel
• 5:06
  based on my behaviors. And I honestly think that
• 5:09
  shocked my wife, right? I honestly think it shocked her
• 5:12
  system because she's not accustomed to me talking like
• 5:14
  that, right? Most people are not accustomed
• 5:16
  to hearing their partner just take 100% accountability,
• 5:19
  especially when you're dealing with somebody that's clinically
• 5:21
  diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
• 5:23
  I was like, you know, you're right.
• 5:25
  I have not been the best partner.
• 5:27
  You are not nagging. I, I thought it was nagging
• 5:31
  because it made me feel bad when you, when you are talking about
• 5:35
  something that I have actually done and it makes me feel bad.
• 5:40
  That's not your fault. That's on me.
• 5:44
  That's 100% on me. You're like, if I do something
• 5:48
  wrong, if I just yelled at you, right for no reason.
• 5:51
  If I you you were trying to have a conversation with me in a quad
• 5:54
  calm voice and now I'm screaming and yelling.
• 5:57
  That's not your fault that I can't control the volume of my
• 5:59
  damn voice. That's on me.
• 6:01
  If I'm yelling and screaming, that's on me.
• 6:04
  Now, could I blame it on you? Yes, I could.
• 6:07
  Yeah, I could. Now, when I say blame it on you,
• 6:10
  it doesn't mean that like I'm it's 100% your fault, right?
• 6:13
  Just means that this is how I'm trying to escape the shame.
• 6:16
  I'm trying to get away from shame in the quickest way.
• 6:19
  The fastest way for someone, a narcissist like myself, to get
• 6:22
  rid of shame is to deflect it somewhere else.
• 6:25
  So in essence, to put it on you, it's very easy for us to put it
• 6:30
  on to you in these situations right here.
• 6:32
  So that's why you get a lot of narcissists that deflect.
• 6:34
  It's like, it's kind of like you playing narcissistic tennis,
• 6:37
  right? You hit something.
• 6:38
  You you hit it one way, they're serving it right back, right?
• 6:41
  And it's it's a very difficult thing to even try to deal with
• 6:45
  because you have a narcissistic person that's just being
• 6:48
  abusive. They're just, they're not trying
• 6:50
  to come to a conclusion like you are trying to not not conclusion
• 6:54
  A consensus, right? You are trying to come to a
• 6:57
  consensus. They are trying to win, right?
• 6:59
  Narcissist see everything in terms of wins and losses.
• 7:03
  If I have to admit take accountability, that's a loss.
• 7:08
  Now, anything outside of me, immediate accountability is a
• 7:12
  win. If I can get you, if I can give
• 7:15
  you a little bit and get a lot, that's a victory.
• 7:17
  If I can, if, if I can take 5% accountability, but also somehow
• 7:23
  get you to admit some type of wrongdoing, that's a win, right?
• 7:27
  Narcissist. And y'all, a lot, a lot of y'all
• 7:29
  can attest to this. When you're arguing with a
• 7:30
  narcissist, like they are arguing to win, they're
• 7:34
  absolutely not trying to hear you out.
• 7:36
  They don't want to hear what you have to say.
• 7:37
  They're not trying to just be equitable or have a decent, a
• 7:41
  decent conversation. They are trying to win.
• 7:43
  They're trying to defeat you in battle, which I know sounds
• 7:46
  stupid when you're dealing with a partner, but they're trying to
• 7:48
  defeat you in battle that they run through your head right
• 7:51
  there. It's something as simple as an
• 7:54
  argument is taken as treated like a battle when you're
• 7:58
  dealing with a narcissist. I know that.
• 7:59
  Again, I know how ignorant that sounds, y'all, because I'm the
• 8:03
  one saying it, I'm the one living it.
• 8:05
  I know how ignorant and how dumb this sounds when I say it out
• 8:10
  loud. You don't have to come at me.
• 8:11
  And just like Lee, that sounds so stupid.
• 8:13
  I know I'm the one that's saying it, right.
• 8:16
  I'm the one that has lived it and of course y'all have lived
• 8:19
  it as well on the other side. That's going to be different.
• 8:22
  You know what I mean? Because you were survivor and
• 8:23
  I'm not. Well, I've deal with a
• 8:25
  narcissistic woman. I don't know.
• 8:26
  I would never consider myself a survivor.
• 8:28
  I had a narcissistic woman I've dealt with, but I'm more
• 8:31
  narcissistic than her. I would say especially now,
• 8:34
  right. I thought she was nagging.
• 8:36
  I know a lot of people. If you, and this is not just a
• 8:38
  male to a female or female to male thing, this could be like
• 8:42
  the same gender. This can be parent to child or
• 8:44
  whatever the case may be like the narcissist in your life.
• 8:48
  When you're offering some type of constructive criticism or
• 8:51
  trying to correct a wrongdoing or trying to get an apology,
• 8:54
  they are 100% taking that as a personal attack on themselves.
• 8:59
  They're looking at you like why you attacking me?
• 9:02
  Some of them might say it. They might literally look you
• 9:04
  directly in your face and say, why you attacking me?
• 9:08
  Why are you being like, why are you coming at me like that?
• 9:09
  Why can't you? Just why you?
• 9:11
  Why can't we have a civil conversation?
• 9:12
  And outside of the accountability, it is civil,
• 9:15
  isn't it? That's how it goes outside of
• 9:17
  you holding them accountable. It is civil until they start
• 9:20
  losing their minds and yelling at you and screaming at you and
• 9:23
  trying to find a way to hold you accountable for something that
• 9:27
  they themselves have done. Because that's the rough part,
• 9:29
  right? That's the rough part right
• 9:30
  there when they try to hold you accountable for something that
• 9:35
  they themselves have done, right?
• 9:37
  And that's why they consider it nagging.
• 9:39
  Any like, if it's not praise, if you're not praising them, you
• 9:45
  are criticizing them. I'll say it just like that.
• 9:48
  If it's not praise, if you're not praising them, you are
• 9:51
  criticizing them. And it's not me just trying to
• 9:53
  say that everything is criticism.
• 9:54
  But if it's not good, they automatically take it as bad,
• 9:57
  right? If it's not something that makes
• 9:59
  me smile, it's automatically going to make me sad.
• 10:02
  And that's literally the way a lot of narcissist minds work,
• 10:04
  right? Like you are trying to hurt me.
• 10:06
  You are trying to do something bad to me.
• 10:08
  I didn't deserve this. And again y'all, there's no way
• 10:14
  to correct a narcissist behavior until they themselves want to
• 10:18
  correct sad behavior. Unless, unless you have some
• 10:23
  type of leverage, in order to get a narcissist to move, you
• 10:28
  have to have some type of leverage to get them to move.
• 10:31
  You have to have some type of leverage to move them because
• 10:34
  otherwise they'll just keep trying to run over top of you,
• 10:36
  right? Because that's how Narcissus
• 10:37
  work. I'm going to run over top of you
• 10:39
  because some way, shape or form, I see this as a direct benefit
• 10:42
  to me. And that's how I keep working.
• 10:44
  That's how I keep doing what I do, right?
• 10:46
  Right. Because Narcissus is going to
• 10:48
  see it that way, right? So you made it this far in a
• 10:50
  video. Y'all, you got something from
• 10:52
  this video. Make sure you hit a thumbs up,
• 10:54
  hit it, turn those notifications, hit that
• 10:56
  subscribe button and drop a comment in the comment section.
• 10:58
  Y'all leave a if you made it this far, leave like a peanut or
• 11:01
  an acorn in the comment section like let me know that you just
• 11:04
  supported all the way to the end.
• 11:05
  And if you want to do a one-on-one into the code mental
• 11:08
  MENTAL 15 for 15% off all one on ones and phone calls.
• 11:12
  It doesn't work on the packages, y'all.
• 11:14
  It just works on these single phone calls because the package
• 11:17
  is already discounted right? So mental MENTAL 15
• 11:22
  mentalillness.net for everything y'all peace.