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Surrender: When God Takes the Weight You've Been Carrying · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Murders to Music podcast.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: My name is Aaron, I'm your host and thank you for sticking around for almost one full year.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Can you believe that on May 31st will be our one-year anniversary, which I think is pretty cool?
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Also, what I think is cool is we've got over 60 episodes out now.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: We've got snapshots, which are quick, little 10-minute snippets here or there, stories, something fun, something I want to pass along.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: We had a rewind this week where we went back and listened to an episode because it made sense to listen to it about a law enforcement officer got killed in the line of duty in Alaska in 1984.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Happened to be the 41st year anniversary, so we're able to go back and listen to that.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: I love all of the guests that we've had on the show.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: We've had tons of great stories, personal.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: We've cried, we've loved together.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: It's been absolutely amazing.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: A question got asked this week Aaron, how do you find the topics to talk about on your show?
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: You know, and sometimes it's just knowing the right person, sometimes it is knowing their story, sometimes it's hearing a story and reaching out to that person and understanding that.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: It would fit Like when we listened to Jay Dobbins about infiltrating the Hells Angels.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: You know, I don't know, jay, but we're both cops at heart and it's easy to talk to them, and he was more than willing to come on and talk.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: You know, when I was sitting.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, as I go throughout my day, little things will come up and I'll be like you know what I should talk about.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: This I should.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: This should be a topic on the show.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: And about a month ago, two months ago, I was sitting in small group, you know, church group life, group thing and we were talking about miracles and the question was asked have you ever experienced a miracle?
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: And I had a response then and I have a response now and I'll tell you what those are.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: But before we do, I want to read what I got from a listener this week.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: So this week a longtime listener reached out to me and said hey, aaron, how's it going?
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: I've been catching up on some of the podcasts while mowing and you're doing God's work, my friend, keep it up.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I love the episodes where you talk about relating with people in small group and other social settings.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: It made a lot of sense to me and I experienced the same thing at times.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: Thanks a lot.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: And then he signed off.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I thought it was super cool to get some mail from him.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: It was just pretty awesome to hear that people are out there still listening.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: They've been a long time.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: They're catching up.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I think that's super, super cool.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: So let's talk a little bit about inspiration for the show and what happened in my world a couple months ago.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: So I'm sitting in life group and the question is asked have you ever experienced a miracle?
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: And as people went around that group and started sharing in their responses, I sat back with some discontent in my heart, you know, and at that time I was pretty frustrated and dealing with a bunch of emotions and turmoil in my life and just kind of I was just discontent.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: So I sit back and I think about this and I don't actually give an answer, but in my mind I'm thinking you know, have I ever experienced a miracle?
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Am I in the middle of one now?
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: And is this a blessing or a curse?
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: You know and by that I mean I've come out of law enforcement, I've come out of a world that I know.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: I know that God has got a better plan for me and I need to, you know, settle in and just go along for the ride.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: You know his plan is better than mine, but, man, I'm still holding onto the past and I'm still longing for the things of yesterday and longing for what I used to do.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: And where I'm at now, man, I feel worse than I did before.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: It seems like you know, is this a blessing or a curse?
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: So that's where my mind is when I hear this.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: I think why is there such hesitation?
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Why is there such hesitation to give God the glory in this situation that I'm in, in this time of transition, in this life change, in this moment, for something that I prayed for for so long?
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: God, just give me another avenue, give me a way out of this law enforcement thing.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: This is all I know.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: I've only got one skill set and all I want to do is make the money to provide for my family.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: I want equivalent vacation time so I can have a good work-life balance, and I just don't want the stress of death on me every single day.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Yet I prayed for that.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: I finally got that, and now I'm hesitating to release the control that my past has on me.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: I'm hesitating to give this to God Now that he's put me here.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: I'm holding on for what was yesterday and that hesitation to release control just instills a fear, a worry and anxiety.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: You know, the root of anxiety, I think, is fear At least it is in my case and that's where I was, you know.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: And to release everything and to release that fear would be to trust in something outside of my control, something that I can't see, and the faith to know that that is going to be okay.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: For somebody who has been in control and been a control freak their whole life, that is really really hard to wrap my mind around.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: It's really hard to release the control, give up that anxiety, that fear, that frustration, and just relax and release.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: So that's my issue.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I don't talk about this during the small group.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: I don't bring this up because I'm filled with kind of angst and anxiety, because one side of me is saying Aaron, let go.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: The other side of me is like I'm holding on to yesterday and what life used to be, and the hate and the frustration with the police department and the anger with the city of Gresham.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: And why didn't those people come to my aid?
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: If I got into a fight in the street then my partners would be there to help save my life.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Yet I get into a mental fight and I'm, you know, depressed and suicidal, ptsd and all this other stuff.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: And my partners don't even make the phone ring.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Damn them.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: Who are they?
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: These relationships are so not real and superficial.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Those are my feelings.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: So I'm caught up in this turmoil.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: Why wouldn't I want to get rid of that?
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Well, because to get rid of that would be to accept God's hand in this situation, give up control and just float aimlessly to see what was next on his path or on the journey, you know, and that's where I was.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: So there's the struggle that I'm having.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: That's why I don't come forward and say anything during this group session.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: But what I do do, I said, do do.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Anybody that knows me is going to know that I was going to say I did said do do.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Anyway, what I did do is I spoke to my therapist about it and I said hey, you know, this is what I got going on and we spoke about forgiveness and we spoke about seeing the situation for what it was, but realizing that I'm in that situation because God put me there, I'm in the situation of hell and turmoil and anger and frustration with the city and the fact the city didn't step up because that's where God would want me to be.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: So instead of blaming others, you know I was encouraged to look at it through a filter of where would God have you right now and what role did these people play in your life during this time of transition?
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Them not reaching out, them not talking, the separation, all of the anger, the frustration all of that played a role in my healing process and I was encouraged to take a look at it and see where that fits into God's plan and any lessons or silver linings that could have been learned from that experience.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: And at this time I'm still really frustrated with the police department.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I'm frustrated with the individuals.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: I have no room for compassion or really love for them.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: I'm just, I'm pretty wound tight.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: The other thing that was discussed was consider where God has you now, and I've mentioned this before, but you know my passion and my drive to do what I did was because I wanted to help people.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: And during the crappy app attitude session, she's like why can't you do that where you are today?
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: So a couple of weeks after the crappy attitude session, we're having this conversation and we kind of mend the two.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: You know, not only, why would God, where would God have you during this time and during this period, with the turmoil, and what silver linings and what can you learn from that?
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: And see the positive in that and seek forgiveness in that, because you'll never be able to move past that until you forgive.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: And that forgiveness piece is likely not a you okay, I forgive and you get to move on.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden, life is better.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: And that's not to minimize the role or what these people did, it's not to minimize the fact that they weren't there for me.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: That's not it.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: But what it is is to accept the facts that life happens and if I continue to hold on to hate, anger, distrust, fear, anxiety, all the bad things, I'm never going to grow as a person.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Then, on the flip side, asking well, where would God has you?
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Where he wants you right now?
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: What can you do today to help get over the past?
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: What can you do today to make your windshield bigger than your rear view mirror?
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: So I took that home and I pondered it.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: You know and it was about that time that I'm having these small group, you know meetings and I'm having these thoughts of this.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: This miracle have I experienced one Am I in the middle of it.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: I'm holding on tight to yesterday and I don't want to give up what I had for tomorrow.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: And if I don't, you know, if I give this up, then I'm giving in and I'm quitting.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: I'm quitting the fight, I'm not a quitter.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: All that stuff is going through my mind.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: So over the next I don't know month or so, I did a lot of praying about what does forgiveness look like?
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: What does it look like to understand the role that these people had in my life during this ultimately very short period?
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Right, it's a drop in the bucket.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: I'm 47 years old and we're talking about a two-year period.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Realistically, it's not that big of time, you know.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: But what role would God have these people to play in my life and what can I learn from it?
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: And more so than learning from that, the thing that was really going to keep me from moving on was forgiveness and what can I do to forgive?
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: And as I pray about this and work through this, you know and those started to feel just a little bit less anxious, a little bit less tension, a little bit less anxiety, a little bit less fear, a little more open to letting go, a little more open to accepting where I am today.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: And as time goes on, this continues to progress.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: And then I'm in therapy this last week and I sit down in the chair and I'm talking to her and I'm talking about you know how are things going?
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: So I start telling her and I just feel this peace, you know, and I never really recognized the peace that I was feeling.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I wasn't upset with the police department, I wasn't upset with the city.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: I'm not upset with the city, I'm not upset with the police department.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: These are things that I've been hanging on to for years and have been the focus of many of these episodes.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: You know, this last week I ran sound at church, right, and you guys know, besides the police department, the church has also been something that I have distanced myself from, almost walked away from, argued with, fought with, swore to.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I mean, the church has been a rough thing for me over the last couple of years and for various reasons.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: But this last week I'm, you know, I'm doing front of house, sound at church, and I'm there at the practice and I'm there at Sunday, and I remember just kind of feeling at peace.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I'm surrounded by the people that I was once anxious around and frustrated with, yet there's no feelings of anxiety, there's no feelings of anger.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: There's understanding, there's compassion, there's love.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: There's these things that I'm not used to feeling and I just don't get it.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: You know it reminds me of the day that Keegan and I went scuba diving and you know there's an episode on this where I talk about it.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: But we're scuba diving, I'm about 60, 70 feet offshore, a hundred feet offshore, whatever it was, and I'm on the surface and all of a sudden I have a failure of some kind.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: I have no regulator in my mouth and I start taking on water and eventually I feel this pressure on my chest and I just can't breathe and I've got no regulator and I'm sucking in water and I'm literally drowning, three feet from my kid and I'm yelling.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: I'm telling him I can't breathe, I need yelling.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: I'm telling him I can't breathe, I need help, I need help.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: He's yelling for help.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: He's staying calm, but he's yelling and getting help off the shore and I keep sinking and I'm paddling and kicking up to the surface and I just break the surface and I can see the light through the green water and I take this breath of air, about half of its water and I suck it in and I start to sink and I kick back up, but then I get so exhausted I can't kick anymore and I start sinking and I literally am giving in.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: I'm dying, I'm drowning and this is the way it's going to end and I'm feet from my kid and I'm scared, but I, I just have this.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: I can't breathe in this pain and this pressure that I'm feeling.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden I'm under the water, I'm looking up through green water and then all of a sudden I feel somebody enter the water.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I can feel the concussion in the water and I feel somebody grab me and pull me to the surface and I break the surface and at that moment I knew that I was going to be okay and the sense I knew that I was going to be okay and the sense I completely went limp, my entire body went limp.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: I completely gave in, I surrendered.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: They cut the gear off me.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: It was popped the gear off me and I remember just floating on the surface, looking up into the sky and knowing that.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: And I looked over and the guy next to me his name's Mark and I trusted Mark with my life and I just knew that I was going to be okay.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: I felt that hand on my shoulder and the just the release of all that sudden angst, fear and anxiety.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: I'm talking two minutes of hell in that water, two years of hell in real life and to feel that release, that's exactly what I was feeling as I sat there and spoke about this, and it's amazing.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: I can see that God put these people into my world because I needed separation.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: I needed time away, I needed to not be bombarded by my people that God had me and he had me in his hands and he wasn't going to let me go.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: But I needed to distance myself from the folks at my old work and in order to do that, there needed to be some separation.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Right, you can't date somebody and then date them for a long, long time maybe 21 years and then break up and still hang out and, you know, go watch movies together.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: It doesn't typically work.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: So I needed that time.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: But I didn't understand it and instead of it being a personal attack on me, you know, I see it more as a God-ordained separation and it's okay.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: One thing I didn't even recognize is the week prior to going to see my therapist.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: I'm driving along and I'm talking to my old, I'm talking to my old partner, you know, uh, we talk almost daily and I'm talking to her and she's like, hey, we're in the middle of these three or four homicides right now and everybody's working around the clock and she's kind of venting to me and, uh, I'm listening and you know, I'm, I'm, I'm just being a good listener there and hearing what she has to say and I get it.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: I've worked around those clocks, I've done it.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I understand the frustration.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: And then a call came out.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: There was another murder that day and I'm driving somewhere and I'm like you know what, I'm just going to send some pizza over there.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: And I didn't even think about it.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: I called, I had some pizza delivered to the police department.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: I told her I'm like hey, there's pizza being delivered, pick it up.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Great, great, thank you.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: You know, that was shared amongst all my old peers and for me I just did it, because that's how the kind of guy that Aaron is.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: It wasn't until after the fact and that I really sat down with my therapist that it just showed how much release and relief and peace there really was, and it was way cool.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: You know, not only am I forgiving them and am I not angry with them?
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: I'm loving on them.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: And this isn't about me.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: This isn't about you know, aaron, being a good guy.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: This is about just the change in my heart and the answer to prayer, which was way cool.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: I found this last couple weeks.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: I've had to be over in my old city several times for my current job, you know, and for so long I would drive through the city and feel this angst and anxiety and I would see things on street corners and I would remember conversations and I would pass a police car and have a meltdown.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: Um, now I find myself driving through the city and I'm unaffected.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: The I would say the memories are there, but I don't even think about them.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: But there's definitely not any emotional baggage that I'm carrying with me when I drive through the city, and I never thought I would experience that.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: I never thought that I could come to a place in my world where I wouldn't drive through the city and melt down in some form or fashion about my prior life.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: It's way cool.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: It's an answer to prayer, it is.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: It's awesome, it's it.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: It it's only of God, not of me.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Um, my stubborn ass would want to hold on to this forever because it gives me something to fight for and dig my heels in and be a horse's patoot.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: But instead God has worked on me, answered my prayers and just given me a freedom, which is way cool.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: I go back to that question that was asked have I ever experienced a miracle Before?
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: I was filled with angst and anxiety.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: When I think about that question now, am I in the middle of one?
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: Absolutely I am.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Is it a blessing or a curse?
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: It's a blessing.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: This is a total blessing, and the timing is everything.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: All that fear and hesitation and control and worry and anxiety that I had, all of that is gone.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: I don't feel that and I don't know where it went, other than God took it from me because, again, it's not of me to release that on my own, but I just feel like a new person.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: I haven't felt this much peace inside in a decade or more.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: I haven't felt this much peace and love and and I'm not even an asshole to those people around me when I'm driving down the road Sometimes I am when I'm driving down the road, but I'm getting better and I don't always yell at them.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I only yell at the really bad ones.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: So I mean, for me that's a win, that's a win-win.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: So things are getting better.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: To release the fear and to trust in something outside of my control, something that I can't see, in the faith to know it'll be okay Over a period of time and answered prayers, I totally released that and gave that up and it was way cool.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: I'm really excited about the future.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: I'm really excited about the opportunity that I have where I am right now in this world, with my family, with my new job I say new.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: It's been two and a half years I'm finally starting to be able to speak the language and walk the walk and talk the talk just enough to be dangerous.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: I don't feel any longing or connection to my old world at all.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: I don't look back and feel like there's something dragging me down, or at least I'm still attached by an umbilical cord to this thing that used to feed me.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: It's not that way.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: I feel severed and separated and I'm at peace with that.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: I'm at peace with the way things went and the finality of it all, and for me to be able to feel that way.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: It may not mean anything to you, but if you've been around this podcast, you know I've had some really hard times and this is huge for me.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: So I'm super excited.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I want to help others.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: I want to motivate others who might be in a similar position that I was in to seek help, to realize that there's another way.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: There isn't out.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: You're not stuck, you're not alone, there's no reason to put the gun in your mouth.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I want to encourage people that you know maybe everybody is doing great and nobody else needs to hear this message, but I don't think that's the case, or we wouldn't be in the situation in this nation that we're in, with our law enforcement and first responders.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: I don't want a soapbox for Aaron.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: I want a opportunity to share the message of resiliency, love, peace, hard work, dedication and the tools that are out there to help people absolutely change their lives.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, that's all I've got tonight.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: I just wanted to share the peace of where I am and the love that I feel and no, I'm not taking more medication, don't blame it on that.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: This is just a heartfelt thing, you know.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying there won't be bumps in the road, but, man, I finally have felt like the hard work is paying off.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I finally feel like my windshield is bigger than my rearview mirror.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: I finally feel blessed and content with not only where I'm going, but where I've been.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, that's the Murders to Music Podcast.