Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #397 Playing to Your Strengths

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#397 Playing to Your Strengths · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
0:05
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
0:09
Speaker 2: wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 1: Now.
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Speaker 2: Strengths don't just have to be things that we perform
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Speaker 2: well in that we can show off on the stage.
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Speaker 2: Strengths are much deeper than that.
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Speaker 3: And now here's the stars of our show.
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Speaker 2: My mum and dad. Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson.
0:24
Speaker 2: I'm here with my wife Kylie munder our six kids.
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Speaker 2: I'm the founder of Happy Families dot com, dot you,
0:28
Speaker 2: and the parenting expert and co host on Channel Line's
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Speaker 2: TV show Parental Guidance, which is what we're going to
0:33
Speaker 2: be talking about today.
0:35
Speaker 3: I cannot wait to see how free rangers do a sleepover.
0:41
Speaker 2: Boys, give your parents a hugs.
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Speaker 1: It might be the last time you.
0:44
Speaker 2: Say it's a hug?
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Speaker 4: Are we gonna have?
0:48
Speaker 1: Fuck?
0:49
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm a very healthy.
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Speaker 2: Free range chicken. Kylie. Last night, I know that you
0:56
Speaker 2: have to say yes to this question. But are you're
0:57
Speaker 2: loving this show? It's kept me riveted. I don't usually
1:03
Speaker 2: watch a lot of TV, but.
1:04
Speaker 3: I'm really enjoying watching the families evolve.
1:09
Speaker 2: You know what I'm enjoying. People are generally being really
1:12
Speaker 2: nice about the show. It's reaching a huge number of people.
1:16
Speaker 2: It's going extremely well, and it's giving us so much
1:20
Speaker 2: to talk about. When I said so much talk about,
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Speaker 2: I don't interested on the podcast. I mean in life,
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Speaker 2: like people are talking about parenting and trying to work
1:26
Speaker 2: out what we're supposed to do. So we should talk
1:28
Speaker 2: about last night. There are two things that happened last night.
1:31
Speaker 3: Well, the very first one came when we got that
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Speaker 3: first panoramic view of the crowded house. You literally, every
1:39
Speaker 3: time it comes into seit you like, you know how
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Speaker 3: big that.
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Speaker 2: House Isn't been in a house so big, so big,
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Speaker 2: like it's like a hotel. We had four families, four
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Speaker 2: full families, plus about I don't know thirty or forty
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Speaker 2: production crew plus Alison and I And there were rooms
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Speaker 2: that we didn't even need to use in that house.
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Speaker 2: Like it was huge.
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Speaker 3: It really wasn't that crowded, was it? Well?
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Speaker 2: How did you say it? I feel like the parents
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Speaker 2: probably felt like it was pretty credible. They were looking
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Speaker 2: after twelve kids for a day. I bet you they did,
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Speaker 2: So let's talk about it. We had two activities that
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Speaker 2: occurred last night. Our Tiger parents were put straight into
2:15
Speaker 2: the deep end. We literally set them all down in
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Speaker 2: the house and said, ninety minutes still the Talent show
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Speaker 2: and you guys have got it. And then our free
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Speaker 2: range parents also had an activity to do, which we'll
2:23
Speaker 2: talk about shortly. Let's talk about what we could talk
2:27
Speaker 2: about the Talent Show and there's there's a lot to
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Speaker 2: enjoy from it. Tiger kiss, don't say no, because that's
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Speaker 2: not one of the options. Do you know any jokes?
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Speaker 2: Then he got some really fron of jokes.
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Speaker 4: Don't you I go one?
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Speaker 3: Why did the pig cross the road because he was
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Speaker 3: hungry to get dinner? No, no entron plates, Ladies.
2:48
Speaker 2: And gentlemen, welcome to the show. The MC role that
3:05
Speaker 2: said was given the tiger parenting really came into play there.
3:08
Speaker 1: Okay, we have prepared a special joke for you.
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Speaker 2: Kevin just had to take over, all right, are we ready?
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Speaker 4: I did feel Kevin didn't quite give enough opportunities to Sebastian,
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Speaker 4: who was helping MC. I think Kevin maybe got a
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Speaker 4: little bit carried away and took over a little bit
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Speaker 4: at that time.
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Speaker 2: That's the part of tiger parenting that we would never Yeah,
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Speaker 2: we would let them go and let them make the
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Speaker 2: mistake that's Tiger Care.
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Speaker 3: The thing that I really wanted to draw out today
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Speaker 3: from that experience was watching some children who had absolute
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Speaker 3: clarity on what their strengths were.
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Speaker 2: You mean the Tiger parents' kids.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe very much, and these other kids who really
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Speaker 3: just didn't have a clue that they have strengths.
4:03
Speaker 2: So this is what I love about the podcast. We're
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Speaker 2: not just doing a recap of the show. We're actually
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Speaker 2: talking about the issues that matter to parents. How are
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Speaker 2: you supposed to know what your kid's strengths are? How
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Speaker 2: do you help your children to recognize and develop their talents,
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Speaker 2: their abilities, their gifts, their capacities, their strengths.
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Speaker 3: I think for most people, we see a talent as
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Speaker 3: being something that you can show off, right, a musical
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Speaker 3: instrument for instance, singing, you know, you're really good at sports,
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Speaker 3: or in their case, they tried to teach the magic tricks.
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Speaker 3: But it's something that you can see and sometimes it
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Speaker 3: actually isn't. But I think the most important thing in
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Speaker 3: helping our kids to recognize what their strengths are, what
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Speaker 3: their talents are, is leaning into the things that they
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Speaker 3: just are naturally drawn towards. And one of the best
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Speaker 3: ways we can do that is by actually exposing our
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Speaker 3: children to a wide range of activities.
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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah. So there's a book called The Strengths
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Speaker 2: which by Professor Lee Waters. Leah and I are both
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Speaker 2: based at the Center for Oh sorry, we're both aligned
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Speaker 2: with the Center for Well Being Research at the University
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Speaker 2: of Melbourne, and in her book The Strength Switch, she
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Speaker 2: talks about different strengths and how we can just notice
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Speaker 2: them in our kids and sometimes their performance strengths like
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Speaker 2: Leo and Mimi can play those musical instruments like holy cow,
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Speaker 2: they're good at that. But there's also these things called
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Speaker 2: character strengths. So she gives some examples in her book.
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Speaker 2: Imagine if parents use these kinds of words. Now, this
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Speaker 2: isn't going to look very good in a talent show.
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Speaker 2: By the way, you can't stand up on stage and
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Speaker 2: have someone say to you, I really admire the strategic
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Speaker 2: thinking you showed an organizing the fundraiser at school. But
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Speaker 2: strategic thinking is a strength, or you show great teamwork.
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Speaker 2: I'm proud of your humility. I wish I had your
5:43
Speaker 2: self awareness and self control. I love the way you
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Speaker 2: forgive your brother, or the integrity in which you make decisions.
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Speaker 2: I can see your love of learning, your persistence, your
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Speaker 2: work ethic. So strengths don't just have to be things
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Speaker 2: that we perform well in that we can show off
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Speaker 2: on a stage. Strength are much deeper than that. They're
6:02
Speaker 2: not just that.
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Speaker 3: But I think when we recognize what their strengths are,
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Speaker 3: then we're able to almost hand pick the kinds of
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Speaker 3: activities that we would introduce them to which tap into
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Speaker 3: those strengths.
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Speaker 2: I'm currently reading Andre Agassi's autobiography, it's called Open. He
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Speaker 2: was raised by it. Not just a tiger parent. He
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Speaker 2: was raised by like the most over the top on steroids,
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Speaker 2: crazy abusive tiger parent that I've ever heard of. It
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Speaker 2: was just staggering how hard his dad pushed him to
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Speaker 2: become the world number one in tennis. From the age
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Speaker 2: of six, he was hitting literally a couple of thousand
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Speaker 2: tennis balls per day, every single day. And what Agass
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Speaker 2: he talks about is how much he hates tennis. He
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Speaker 2: just he hates tennis. He never liked it, he never
6:48
Speaker 2: wanted to play, but his parents wouldn't listen. And I
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Speaker 2: think if we really want to help our kids to identify, recognize,
6:55
Speaker 2: develop their strengths, we need to listen and watch, And
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Speaker 2: the other thing that really stands out to me that's
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Speaker 2: important is we've got to expose them to lots of
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Speaker 2: opportunities to develop themselves in terms of both their maybe
7:09
Speaker 2: they're sporting or their drama, or their art or their
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Speaker 2: craft or their music, but also their character. Are we
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Speaker 2: putting them into opportunities where they're not just pleasing themselves
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Speaker 2: all the time. Where are they learning, what are they developing,
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Speaker 2: how are they growing? And really what it comes down to,
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Speaker 2: I think and Kevin and Debbie's Tiger parents really exemplify this.
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Speaker 2: They're willing to sacrifice for their kids to develop their strengths.
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Speaker 2: They want to know what their kid's strengths are. They
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Speaker 2: give them the opportunity and we see them like they're
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Speaker 2: a musical family and those kids love music. So to me,
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Speaker 2: it comes down to as parents, are we asking the
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Speaker 2: right questions and exposing our children to the right opportunities,
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Speaker 2: But then are we listening to the kids and giving
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Speaker 2: them those opportunities to develop and grow? I mean, if
7:53
Speaker 2: we have a look at those other families, Kylie, the
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Speaker 2: four nine year olds from Breton Tony Breton Tony pretty
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Speaker 2: much on the show. Yeah, we haven't really given our
8:02
Speaker 2: kids any extra curricular opportunities, any chance to develop and
8:06
Speaker 2: explore what their strengths and talents might be. And Penny
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Speaker 2: and Daniel pretty much the same. We heard that from
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Speaker 2: them as parents. My main point is, if you're going
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Speaker 2: to help you kids to recognize and develop strengths, you've
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Speaker 2: got to expose them to opportunities and listen. That would
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Speaker 2: be my take home message.
8:20
Speaker 3: Well, after the break, we're going to tackle the best
8:23
Speaker 3: sleepover ever.
8:24
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
8:27
Speaker 1: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
8:30
Speaker 1: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and don'ts
8:32
Speaker 1: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
8:35
Speaker 1: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
8:39
Speaker 1: families dot com, dot au slash shop.
8:42
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
8:44
Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now, And we are
8:47
Speaker 3: reviewing last night's episode seven of Parental Guidance. We've talked
8:52
Speaker 3: about the Talent show and how we can help our
8:55
Speaker 3: children to recognize and develop their own strengths so that
8:59
Speaker 3: they can shine in their own right. But I'm really
9:02
Speaker 3: interested in this sleepover because can I tell you when
9:05
Speaker 3: you guys started that pillow fight, all I could think
9:08
Speaker 3: about was, holy smokes, that's a lot of feathers.
9:13
Speaker 2: The cleanup took so long and everyone was coughing and spluttering.
9:16
Speaker 2: I mean you saw Devy running out of the room.
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Speaker 2: I mean, Annie hissame, well.
9:19
Speaker 3: Are you when she did the snow angel, the feather angel,
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Speaker 3: I couldn't believe how deep the feathers were. There was
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Speaker 3: a lot of feathers.
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Speaker 2: It was absolutely insane. The cleanup was horrendous. Let's talk
9:31
Speaker 2: about the free range parents though, a couple of things
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Speaker 2: that stood out to me when we're watching What Happens
9:35
Speaker 2: when kids were in this situation. Did you notice the children,
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Speaker 2: particularly of the strict parents Andrew Miriam, Yes, i did.
9:43
Speaker 2: Doughnut time, sting axactly one. Li've heard whatever all as
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Speaker 2: she and screen time.
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Speaker 4: That was particularly noticeable at meal time.
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Speaker 2: Is it dinner time? No?
10:00
Speaker 3: You?
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Speaker 1: Why?
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Speaker 2: What? Really?
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Speaker 4: There was a large group of the children just glued
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Speaker 4: into a laptop and almost oblivious to what was going
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Speaker 4: on around them in the room.
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Speaker 2: There was no sense of family.
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Speaker 1: A lot of the children just doing their own thing,
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Speaker 1: do what they wanted to do. But the collective sense
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Speaker 1: of togetherness didn't exist at all.
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Speaker 3: There was just no ability to regulate by themselves.
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Speaker 2: Or no desire. I'm sure that if they needed to,
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Speaker 2: they could have and would have, but there was no
10:30
Speaker 2: desire to.
10:31
Speaker 3: With no limits in place, there was absolutely just there
10:35
Speaker 3: was no desire to control anything. No, no, n And
10:41
Speaker 3: what was interesting was they knew mum and dad were
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Speaker 3: literally watching.
10:44
Speaker 2: But mum and dad are mum and dad today, No,
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Speaker 2: the free range parents are. I Also there's a few
10:50
Speaker 2: other things that stood out to me though, and I
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Speaker 2: think this was some excellent, excellent parenting. Number one, let's
10:54
Speaker 2: get outside and run these kids ragged.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, we can play soccer.
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Speaker 2: Let's say do the soccer field. It's a part. It's
11:00
Speaker 2: a sleepover. We know that everyone needs to get to
11:02
Speaker 2: sleep eventually, so let's tie them out. And it was
11:05
Speaker 2: so great to see the way everyone got outside and
11:07
Speaker 2: just ran around.
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Speaker 3: Well, and the parents were involved fully, And I think
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Speaker 3: that that's a massive lesson that we can all take
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Speaker 3: away from that. We want the kids to be busy
11:16
Speaker 3: and doing stuff, but how often do we actually say,
11:18
Speaker 3: you know, go and play in the background while I
11:20
Speaker 3: do my things inside and they.
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Speaker 2: Go, oh, this is boring now, in fairness, when you're
11:26
Speaker 2: recording a TV show and you've got nothing to do
11:28
Speaker 2: except play with the kids, it's much easier to do
11:30
Speaker 2: that in real life. Sometimes you do just need to
11:31
Speaker 2: send the kids in the backyard so that you can
11:33
Speaker 2: get things done. But let's acknowledge we could probably be
11:37
Speaker 2: more involved with our kids than some of us perhaps are.
11:42
Speaker 2: The other thing that stood out to me was that
11:44
Speaker 2: they still have limits. So a lot of people keep
11:46
Speaker 2: on saying, oh, free range parent and kids can do
11:48
Speaker 2: whatever they want. No, no, no, it's about kids exploring and
11:51
Speaker 2: understanding what the limits are. But Daniel made it really clear,
11:54
Speaker 2: all right, guys, the screens are off. We're going to
11:56
Speaker 2: have some quiet time. Now. You can stay up as
11:58
Speaker 2: long as you like, but the screens are off, the
12:00
Speaker 2: lights going down, do you know what I mean? Like
12:03
Speaker 2: he was saying, there's a certain cutoff time here where
12:05
Speaker 2: we're not going to let you continue to just party
12:07
Speaker 2: all night.
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Speaker 3: I wasn't actually sure how they were going to handle that,
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Speaker 3: and I was really impressed, just again allowing the kid's
12:14
Speaker 3: autonomy to choose their own bedtime, but creating boundaries around
12:18
Speaker 3: it was I was impressed.
12:20
Speaker 2: Well, is there anything else you want to talk about
12:22
Speaker 2: in relation to last night's episode before we wrap things
12:25
Speaker 2: up with a couple of take home messages that really
12:27
Speaker 2: stood out.
12:27
Speaker 3: I'll be really interested to see which parents go through
12:32
Speaker 3: to the final round.
12:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right, Well tonight tonight we find out from
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Speaker 2: a Briton Tony our routine parents and Andrew Miriam as
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Speaker 2: strict parents, what's going to happen in their challenges and
12:43
Speaker 2: how they're going to fair compared to these two groups
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Speaker 2: of parents. Take home messages from last night's episode.
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Speaker 3: Helping our kids recognize and develop their strengths, yes, provides
12:54
Speaker 3: them with an ability to feel competence. Oh yeah, and
12:57
Speaker 3: as a result have comforts in their own ability.
13:02
Speaker 2: So to help them to recognize and develop their strengths,
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Speaker 2: we need to expose them to opportunities and then listen,
13:08
Speaker 2: pay attention to what lights them up and brings them joy.
13:12
Speaker 2: And the op to take home message I think from
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Speaker 2: the second day in the crowded house with Penny and
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Speaker 2: Daniel and their sleepover party is that getting involved with
13:21
Speaker 2: the kids really makes a difference, and you can be
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Speaker 2: pretty loose, pretty free range, and still have clear limits
13:28
Speaker 2: around what's okay and what's not? And I think they
13:31
Speaker 2: showed that really well.
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Speaker 3: I'm just feeling really sorry for whoever's on tonight because
13:36
Speaker 3: after that sleepover they are going to be sugar dosed
13:39
Speaker 3: and exhausted.
13:41
Speaker 2: We can't wait to find out what happens in tonight's
13:42
Speaker 2: episode of Printal Guidance. Please join us on Channel nine
13:45
Speaker 2: from seven thirty this evening. The Happy Family's podcast is
13:48
Speaker 2: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is
13:50
Speaker 2: how executive producer. Hey, just before we wrap this up
13:53
Speaker 2: on Saturday of this week, I'm going to be spending
13:56
Speaker 2: the entire day doing a couple of workshops called Little
13:59
Speaker 2: People Feelings. If you've got little people who have big
14:02
Speaker 2: feelings and you'd like to know how you can navigate,
14:04
Speaker 2: regulate and manage what's going on with those kids, please
14:07
Speaker 2: jump on to Happy Families dot com, dot you, or
14:09
Speaker 2: our Facebook page. Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families and sign
14:12
Speaker 2: up spots are strictly limited, sold.
14:15
Speaker 3: Out last time, and there are a lot of people
14:17
Speaker 3: who were really sad they didn't get in.
14:19
Speaker 2: Only allowing fifty people into each workshop, and it's all
14:22
Speaker 2: done virtually. We would love to have you join in
14:24
Speaker 2: for Little People, Big Feelings this Saturday. For that and
14:27
Speaker 2: a whole lot more about making your family happier, please
14:29
Speaker 2: visit happyfamilies dot com, dot a u