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THE AGING PARENT CHECKLIST FOR WOMEN OVER 50 · Uncluttered and Unfiltered: The Podcast For Women Over 50

• 0:04
  Welcome to Uncluttered and Unfiltered, the podcast urging
• 0:08
  you to let it go and don't look back, with nationally acclaimed
• 0:12
  professional organizer Christine Stone and self-proclaimed Hot
• 0:17
  Damn Mess radio and TV personality Eden Kendall.
• 0:21
  Welcome to Unfluttered and Unfiltered.
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  We're the podcast for women over 50, but a lot of women that
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  started with us when they were over 50 or now 60 it up and that
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  means and. That includes me.
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  That includes you and it very soon will include me as well.
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  But that means we're thinking about things, for example, like
• 0:44
  what it's like to be a grandma, what it's like to have aging
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  parents. These are all things that start
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  coming your way. So we're going to cover a couple
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  of those. But one thing I wanted to start
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  on a really upbeat thing and that is on our on our ladies
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  only uncluttered and unfiltered private group, which you are
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  absolutely welcome to join. Somebody else posted and I love
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  this Gretchen posted. What cute names are first time
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  grandmothers landing on for themselves?
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  First of all, let me just say Gretchen, we love that you
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  started this threat. I mean, you hit the nail on the
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  head because 52 of you guys had a comment to make.
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  Oh, I have to hear some of these names.
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  So first of all though, what is your grandma name?
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  Christine, I'm Assisi. Cece And that makes great.
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  Sense and by the way, just just so you know, Cece is easy to say
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  because they've said it very early.
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  So you always have to remember what is early that they will be
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  able to say. Ah, I love it the.
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  Trick. Very cute.
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  OK so Michelle says she's really happy with grandma.
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  That's fine, I. Actually, grandma too, yeah.
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  I I'm fine with that. I actually jokingly, kind of
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  jokingly, because we watched the show Young Sheldon and there's a
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  character Mima, and I'm always like, I want to be Mima.
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  My husband's like, you're never going to be Mima.
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  I would be fine being Mima. I think that's adorable, Helene
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  said. My grandma name is Honey and I
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  actually. Have I like honey?
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  I like honey. Friend whose grandma name is
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  Honey or her Her mom was Honey so Mary says hers call her
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  Grammy. Lisa says Lolly and pop so that
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  they're lollipop. Oh my God.
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  I I love that. Yeah, I love that.
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  And Jackie says guru. Oh my gosh, that's.
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  Different, that is different Marian is Nana Mimi lala mean,
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  which is short for Janine, but that's I.
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  Love that. Lots of nanas.
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  There's a Nona. We have a Nona that's Trisha.
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  Here's a Gigi that's like CC. Yeah, I have a lot of friends
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  that are Gigi's. Oma and nae nae.
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  Nae nae, that's cute nae nae. Allison is Grandma Alley, so
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  they call her Galley. Oh, I like.
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  That galley. Kiki is a great one.
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  These are all so adorable. I love this.
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  So very creative. Let's see, Jerry says.
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  Gima G for grand and EMA for mom in Hebrew.
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  I love. That yeah love.
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  That So anyway, if you want to chime in with yours, that is
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  over on our ladies only on cluttered and unfiltered page.
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  Now we have all the regular social media.
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  In case you're wondering, this one is the only one we have to
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  actually be granted admission. And the reason we do that is so
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  that you can post on there and know that the only other people
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  that are reading it are other women that are over 50.
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  So now the other, the other thing I saw recently and in
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  regards to grandmas, as long as we're staying really upbeat
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  right now, is grandma dinner is trending and you do grandma
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  dinner already because you eat so early.
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  I eat so early that it's embarrassing almost.
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  The good news is because I have two grandkids, my daughter loves
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  it now because you know, you have to eat early and do the
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  bathing for the kids. So when I go to visit, we all
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  eat it like 4-30 or five. So it's great because she's then
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  got to go home. And so I I totally OK.
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  I started doing that though, not just because I'm old, but
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  because I feel like my digestion is way better when I don't eat
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  after six. So I do.
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  I can eat at 5530, but I just don't like to eat after six.
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  And I think it's really helped, I think that you're not laying
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  flat or laying in bed right after you eat.
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  It's giving your body time to digest your food, so you can
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  make fun of me all you want, but I'll have a better digestion
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  you're going to keep. Doing your grandma dinner.
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  My grandma dinner. And a lot of people who do
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  intermittent fasting are also doing that.
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  You know they want to eat earlier so that they can not eat
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  for many many hours. But well, also, we talked about
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  this before. All the 5:00 dinner reservations
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  are 530. You can't get anymore.
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  Yeah, it used to. Be that was, yeah.
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  Even young people are all wanting to eat early, you know,
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  socialize a little bit and then go home and watch Netflix.
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  So it's a hot dinner reservation like 5530 and six.
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  It's not easy to get anymore. So it was.
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  Such a snowball effect to get to that.
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  But somehow the this generation, Yep, is happy to admit that they
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  would rather be a homebody. I mean, it's just it's so funny.
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  It's so funny. OK, so the other reason we are
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  in that mindset right now of aging is because you've had a
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  week of caring for an aging parent and we're blessed to
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  still have them. You know, we know that we
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  wouldn't trade it. No, but, but it can take its
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  toll on everyone involved. And I know.
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  Well, yeah, it's your. Pleasure to do so.
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  But let's let's talk about if our parents are aging, what are
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  some things that we should be doing, whether that's from an
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  organizational point of view or what have you?
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  Well, I'm just speaking from experience because my mom's 87
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  and I feel like when there isn't something going on medically,
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  you kind of like don't think about these things because you
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  just live your normal life. But then all of a sudden
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  something happens and it forces you to think about these things.
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  Why I don't think people want to think about it is because it's
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  depressing. If you want to know the truth.
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  I think that taking care of aging parents makes you look at
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  your future, which you don't want to really do.
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  And everyone thinks, well, it won't happen to me, but it
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  happens to everybody because it just, unfortunately it does.
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  And so I think being prepared ahead of time is much easier
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  than being slammed into it when there's an emergency situation
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  or a situation that needs to be dealt with immediately.
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  So what I have learned is creating a notebook or a file
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  box with all the important papers in the file box has to
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  have a handle so you can take it with you from place to place.
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  It's not something that should be stationary.
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  And what I've learned is you need to be very diligent note
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  taker and have all the documents that you're going to be asked
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  for that you need in order to get through any kind of medical
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  situation or emergency situation.
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  And so that's what I've learned in this past week, how important
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  that is. And I also, I also feel like
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  it's so important to take care of yourself because if you don't
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  take care of yourself as well and you get sick, then
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  everybody's in trouble. So it's important to take time
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  off, even if it's an hour to whatever, I mean, whatever will
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  relax you or calm you down and be kind of non negotiable about
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  things that you absolutely need, whether it's I just need to
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  sleep in my own bed or whatever it may be.
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  Trying to figure out what will help you recoup enough so that
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  you're there when you're needed. And so also really you and I
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  have talked about this long term care.
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  I don't think anyone wants to talk about it.
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  I don't think anyone wants to get it because it's extremely,
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  extremely, extremely expensive. And it's the least fun money
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  you'll spend. It's the least fun money you
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  will spend now, but it's the money you will be so happy you
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  spent when you're in your late 80s and 90s and people are
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  living so long. And what I've learned, and I'm
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  not saying every medical person, I'm sure there's wonderful
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  medical doctors and I have met a few, but when you hit a certain
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  age, they're not really concerned about taking you
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  seriously, about listening to you about, you know, like, and
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  they have a look of you've lived your life, you know, so that's
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  disheartening because you kind of see what your future is going
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  to be like. You're kind of written off as,
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  oh, you're 85, you'll be fine. There's nothing we can do for
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  you that medication or just go home and take a bunch of
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  medication and they don't watch what kind of medications?
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  And there's so many different doctors going on and none of
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  them communicate with each other.
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  And if you don't have somebody who's going to be that person to
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  do all of this paperwork, all of this legal work, all of these
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  medications, there's just, it's so, it's so depressing, so.
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  Is the experience you're having right now, I hate to interrupt,
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  but this experience you're having right now, is it concern
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  for in your case, your mom is 87.
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  Are you thinking also as you're doing this, that you don't want
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  your own daughters to have to experience this?
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  And then also you're thinking about yourself because you don't
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  want to have to be struggling to be cared for.
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  Well, I think, I think it's all three.
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  The first thing you think about, because we all get older, is you
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  think about yourself, especially if you're in the hospital and
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  you have a lot of time to think. That's the worst part because
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  you're just sitting there going, OK, it's just me and you're,
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  you're the parent you're taking care of.
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  What if I wasn't here or something?
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  Then you're all alone in a hospital bed and it immediately
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  goes back to you. Like, what if I was all alone in
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  a hospital bed #2 in my, and this is just my opinion, you
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  don't want your own kids to disrupt their lives, their kids,
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  their everything to take care of me and my, And some people say,
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  well, it's their duty. I just don't believe that.
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  I believe you're given one life on this earth and if you spend
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  20 years of it taking care of an elderly parent or 10 years
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  taking care of it, you're really, really not only the
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  stress it'll take off your life because it's so stressful, but
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  you're really kind of shortening your horizons and what's going
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  on in your life. And a lot of times you've
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  already raised your own kids. So you've looked forward to this
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  point in your life to be able to travel or to be able to do
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  whatever you want to do, take up pottery or you know, whatever it
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  is. And you're not able to do any of
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  that because you're taking care of an aging parent.
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  So yes, I think it's all of it because you really, and also you
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  think your kids will want to do that, but you're talking like 20
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  or 30 years from now and you don't know what will be
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  happening. What if, I mean, God forbid one
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  of them's not, you know, you don't know what life holds.
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  So yes, I personally do recommend long term care, but I
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  understand it's so ridiculously and I say ridiculously
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  expensive. So because that will give you
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  Peace of Mind for yourself. It will give you Peace of Mind
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  that God forbid something happens to my husband and I'm
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  alone, whatever, that you will be able to make sure you're
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  taken care of. And it's a shame and I'm going
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  to say this, that it's not more readily available because we are
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  an aging society and it will only, only help people rather
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  than just try to make money in an industry.
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  It's the only way people can have Peace of Mind as they get
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  older. We're all going to have issues
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  health wise. And so it's, it just, it's
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  something that's important because the amount of doctor's
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  appointments and medications and it gets, it gets tough as you
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  are in your late 80s. Tell the thing you said to me
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  about you said, well, like if you want to get in a place that
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  costs less than this, you may as well just check in and say
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  goodbye because that's you're not going to survive.
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  Yes, I did a lot of research on because my mother did not have
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  long term care. My mother-in-law has long term
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  care but my mother did not. And so I was doing a lot of
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  research and it just breaks your heart that the place is, at
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  least here where I was looking, $4000 and under fourth a month.
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  By the way, this is a month. And that's not for any extras
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  like someone who has to disperse medication or whatever was not
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  really that nice at all. And so you know that if you're
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  going to have to go that route, if you can even afford that,
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  because that's a lot of money a month.
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  A month. And for yourself, like, I mean,
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  you know, you save for your own retirement, you save for
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  yourself. So if you're having to put your
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  own money into something that expensive, you're, you're
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  looking at your future as well. So it made me very, very
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  disheartened to see that if you're not spending six to seven
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  to $8000 and more a month, you're going to be in some sort
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  of place that you're, you're, you're going to feel guilty
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  putting him in there, first of all, and they probably won't
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  live long. You know, you're kind of saying
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  goodbye because it just, that's the way it happened.
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  So it's, it's been a, a, a very big awakening for me.
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  Can you imagine waiting 11 years to get screened for cancer?
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  And I just think that it helps to have somebody who's going
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  through the same thing, because tons of my friends are going
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  through this because they're all in their 60s.
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  So, and some of them have it so much worse because their parents
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  have Alzheimer's, which is so bad.
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  And so there's so many different medical problems that you would
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  be dealing with in a different way.
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  So I just, I think it's, it's important to be able to talk to
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  someone who's going through it or a therapist, if you have a
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  therapist, because it can be a very lonely experience.
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  Very, because your husband, your husband, I mean, it's not his
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  mother, you know what I mean? So so they are concerned for
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  sure, but it's not the emotional attachment.
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  And it's typically the sibling that is closest that's going to
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  bear the brunt of it, which in your case.
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  Is me. In our case, and I'm going to
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  knock wood right now and say that we haven't had to
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  experience very much, but my sister is closer, but I don't
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  like the idea of her having to bear all the responsibility
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  either. So, you know, there's, there's,
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  there's a lot to think about. Like I, I one day, that's it.
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  First of all, that's something that can wake you up in the
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  middle of the night. Oh yeah, for sure.
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  But you know, you one day you're going along, everybody's fine,
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  and the next thing you know, it's like having a child again.
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  Well, and also I the reason why I wanted to talk about this is
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  because people don't talk about it and then it happens and it's
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  like they, they're like deer deers in the headlight.
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  They are like, what do I do? Where are all the important
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  papers? What medication is she taking?
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  Who are her doctors? Like all of a sudden you don't
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  know anything. And, and so having this done
• 17:32
  ahead of time, that will take one thing off your plate, just
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  one. It won't take everything off,
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  but it'll take one thing off your plate because you'll feel
• 17:42
  in control of something. Because when this happens,
• 17:45
  you're out of, you have no control.
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  You are in the doctor's hands. You are it's.
• 17:51
  You have no control over the situation.
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  OK. So you've been very helpful in
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  putting together what you think would be a very complete.
• 18:04
  Yes. File box.
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  Now, do you feel, and we've been talking for, I'm going to tell
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  you 17 minutes. Do you feel like we maybe need
• 18:12
  to break this up into pieces, give everyone a starting point
• 18:16
  and then we can come back a week later and tell the rest?
• 18:20
  Or how do you feel about this? Well, I can.
• 18:23
  I can gloss over it quickly and you can get the gist of it.
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  So we could just see, but I, I think I can gloss over it pretty
• 18:33
  quickly. I, it's just such important
• 18:35
  information that you don't, you don't want to gloss over it too
• 18:39
  quickly. But I mean, I just think it's
• 18:42
  important whether it's a file box or a notebook.
• 18:45
  Like for me, I'm doing a notebook because I think
• 18:47
  everyone's situation is different.
• 18:50
  Some elderly parents have a lot more than some other people's
• 18:55
  parents have. So you really have to decide
• 18:59
  what you need, because if you only need a notebook and you
• 19:02
  could just carry a notebook around, that's fine too.
• 19:05
  So it's basically putting it, you know, I'm a category kind of
• 19:11
  gal. So it's putting it in
• 19:12
  categories, labeling dividers, having like clear sheets that
• 19:17
  you can drop the documents in the clear sheets so that
• 19:21
  everything is super neat and organized.
• 19:24
  And if you don't have some of these things, now is the time to
• 19:28
  either do it online through a legal app or legal website, or
• 19:33
  hire attorney to do these legal documents so that you're not
• 19:38
  even having to worry about this down the road.
• 19:42
  That the first thing is, and I learned all of this because of
• 19:45
  my mom, her driver's license. I, I never had my mother's
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  driver's license, her Social Security card, birth
• 19:53
  certificate, any military documents.
• 19:57
  My mom's not in the military. But if you had, that would be
• 20:00
  very important if you had military documents.
• 20:02
  So any kind of identifying things would be the first
• 20:06
  section. Next would be medical and
• 20:09
  health, of course, insurance cards, what medications they're
• 20:13
  taking, an advance directive which is a legal document, a do
• 20:17
  not resuscitate order, legal document, their medical history.
• 20:22
  So important because my mom, thank goodness, kept one in her
• 20:28
  computer and would update it regularly because she was
• 20:31
  allergic to medications. So she had it in her purse and I
• 20:36
  was able to grab that out and tell them what she was taking.
• 20:40
  So it's so important to even do something like that in your
• 20:44
  notes app, just what they're taking, what they're allergic
• 20:47
  to, and a doctor contact list. I don't know about your mom.
• 20:53
  My mom has so many different doctors.
• 20:56
  She has the cardiologist, she has, you know, the knee doctor,
• 21:00
  she has the eye doctor, you know what I mean?
• 21:02
  So it's so important to know who's who because when they
• 21:06
  asked you, well, who's her cardiologist?
• 21:08
  I don't know, you know what I mean?
• 21:10
  So, so knowing who they are also, where is their will, their
• 21:16
  power of attorney, the healthcare proxy.
• 21:19
  Thank goodness my mom had one so that that wasn't an issue.
• 21:23
  Any kind of trust documents because like I said, if you wait
• 21:28
  till after this amount of stress that will be piled on you is is
• 21:35
  just ridiculous. Financial bank accounts, credit
• 21:40
  cards, any retirement accounts. A lot of people in their
• 21:44
  seventies, 80s and 90s have been retired.
• 21:47
  So you don't know what they have in their retirement, their
• 21:51
  pension, what are their monthly bills, what are they paying for?
• 21:56
  So that's so important because if you're going to end up having
• 21:59
  to step in and pay, don't you? You need to know what you're
• 22:01
  paying for. Right, exactly.
• 22:04
  If they're in the hospital for seven weeks, you don't want
• 22:07
  their power being turned off. Right, exactly anything to do if
• 22:12
  they own a home, their their deed to their property, how much
• 22:15
  mortgage they're paying the V anything to do with their
• 22:19
  vehicles, the titles to their cars, any insurance policies,
• 22:25
  whether it's any kind of policy, life insurance, they may have
• 22:29
  two or three different ones, any valuables that they have listed
• 22:35
  out so that you're not like searching around trying to find
• 22:38
  what you need when you need it. Then of course we need to talk
• 22:42
  about digital access because we are in a digital world.
• 22:46
  And I had this happen to a friend of mine when her husband
• 22:50
  died abruptly without notice and she could not get in to any of
• 22:55
  his banking anything because she didn't have his passwords.
• 23:00
  And I always think when I'm at a client's house and I learn like
• 23:03
  I always take one thing away from something that like, I feel
• 23:07
  like God put me there to learn this lesson.
• 23:09
  And I always, that was like 10 years ago and I always
• 23:13
  remembered that always because you don't want to be in a tragic
• 23:18
  situation and you can't get anything because you don't have
• 23:20
  any of their passwords. And the banks are not sweet
• 23:24
  about it. They don't care that you don't
• 23:26
  have their passwords. So it has to go through probate
• 23:29
  and all that kind of stuff. So it's so important to and it.
• 23:33
  May not even be a probate situation.
• 23:34
  It could be that they are in the hospital and you need to access
• 23:39
  their money. Yep, exactly.
• 23:41
  So it's not a matter of they've passed and you want to be able
• 23:45
  to get their money, you might need to use their money and
• 23:49
  unlock it because it could be in an investment.
• 23:52
  Right. And then you need the banking
• 23:54
  passwords. So everything is password
• 23:58
  controlled, any kind of their phone, their cell phone, you
• 24:03
  can't get into it unless you have their password.
• 24:07
  And we all know unless it's a murder, Apple will not to throw
• 24:12
  that in there. Apple will not.
• 24:14
  And it even take, even if it's a murder, it takes like 6 to 8
• 24:18
  weeks to get that unlocked. So according to Dateline, so, so
• 24:26
  that's so important as well. And then this is something my
• 24:30
  own mother never wants to talk about, but it's so important,
• 24:34
  which is funeral, burial arrangements.
• 24:38
  For for some reason, a lot of elderly people do not like to
• 24:43
  talk about this. But then it puts the stress on
• 24:47
  you on what to do. So you're making all these
• 24:51
  decisions and you're like, I don't know, is that right?
• 24:53
  So really having that in writing on what their wishes are would
• 24:58
  go in this notebook or in that file box.
• 25:01
  So in my opinion, that should cover you.
• 25:05
  You could add anything else to it that would fit into what's
• 25:09
  going on in your life in your elderly parents.
• 25:12
  But I think this is a great starting place.
• 25:15
  And like I said, you can use any notebook.
• 25:17
  It's super simple to do and just make sure you have dividers and
• 25:21
  you labeled the dividers. OK, what I'm going to do is I
• 25:25
  will transcribe everything you just said.
• 25:29
  Well, not me, ChatGPT or no, I'm sorry.
• 25:32
  Claude, because I'm. Told that only old people use
• 25:35
  ChatGPT, young people use Claude.
• 25:38
  So but we will use AI. We will transcribe that and put
• 25:42
  it into some bullet points and share that with you on our
• 25:45
  ladies only Facebook group because I know that all went by
• 25:48
  really fast. I mean, please, you're welcome
• 25:50
  to listen to it over and over again and make notes.
• 25:53
  Let us do that for you. We're happy to.
• 25:55
  And also, since we do have an O Ladies Over 50 group on
• 26:00
  Facebook, I think it's so important to talk to other
• 26:04
  people that are going through that.
• 26:06
  I mean, I feel like they should be having support groups for
• 26:10
  that. If you are the one dealing with
• 26:13
  your aging parents alone, that I feel that there should be some
• 26:19
  kind of support so that you're not feeling so alone.
• 26:23
  My, my own sister is a nurse right now.
• 26:29
  She's in a situation where she had some surgery and so my mom
• 26:32
  is doing the caregiving. So I mean, you just really
• 26:34
  never. Everyone's situation is
• 26:35
  different. However, we did ask this
• 26:37
  question on our uncluttered and unfiltered ladies only page.
• 26:40
  We said many of us are blessed to still have our parents with
• 26:43
  us. Aging parents are reality that
• 26:45
  many of us face and it can bring a lot of change, worry and
• 26:48
  responsibility. So what are some of your
• 26:50
  challenges? And we have many, many responses
• 26:53
  from you ladies and many of you ladies responding to other
• 26:56
  ladies. About.
• 26:57
  That very thing. So, so yes, by all means make
• 27:01
  connections. That's why we have that group.
• 27:04
  We have all the other social media you can think of.
• 27:06
  But the one thing you have to be invited into and we a couple
• 27:10
  times a week go in there and let everyone in as long as we feel
• 27:14
  like they are a woman over 50. And if they breach any kind of
• 27:18
  trust, they get kicked right out.
• 27:19
  They we find that they're trying to sell you anything or take
• 27:23
  advantage of the situation. So it's a safe space.
• 27:25
  That's what what I hope is. Yeah, and also, I'm not an
• 27:29
  insurance agent, I'm just a daughter.
• 27:32
  So if anyone has in our Facebook only ladies over 50, I mean, if
• 27:37
  you find something where long term care is reasonable or you
• 27:41
  find some secret trick how you get around something, whatever
• 27:45
  it is, I mean post it on there because people, I mean, like I
• 27:50
  said, I'm not an insurance agent, so I don't know anything
• 27:53
  about that. So.
• 27:55
  Exactly. So you know, we're not we're not
• 27:58
  experts in much of anything. Christine can expertly get you
• 28:03
  organized. I feel like that was a really
• 28:06
  good organizational tip that you just gave.
• 28:07
  I mean, and then some and then some.
• 28:10
  But you know, anything you hear on our show, you take with a
• 28:12
  grain of salt and you do further research.
• 28:15
  And if you act on it and it it causes you any sense of relief,
• 28:18
  please share that as well with our group.
• 28:21
  And as always, we ask for you to share our podcast with just one
• 28:24
  friend. If everyone does that, then our
• 28:26
  numbers would double if everybody watched.
• 28:29
  And you know, if our numbers double, Christine is going to,
• 28:34
  we're going to throw a party and Christine is going to get up on
• 28:36
  the table and give us her disco. Oh yeah, I'm still going to do
• 28:40
  it. I'm telling you she's going to
• 28:41
  do it. She's I'm going into full John
• 28:43
  Travolta Saturday Night Fever mode.
• 28:46
  Yes, ma'am, that is it. OK, so on that note, I mean,
• 28:51
  it's hard to sleep at night knowing what's around the
• 28:53
  corner, but having having each other is the best we can offer,
• 28:57
  right? So you know, when it comes to
• 28:59
  losing sleep over the future, you can let it go.
• 29:05
  And don't look back.