Latest / Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship / #155 - Thriving Solo: Making Friends and Creating Community After a Big Move (Lisa Giordano)

Transcript

#155 - Thriving Solo: Making Friends and Creating Community After a Big Move (Lisa Giordano) · Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

0:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I also think Nina that if we just all admitted that we want and need friends in life, I think a lot of things would be easier.
0:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I want friendship.
0:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I value my friends so much.
0:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I'm a good friend and I really take pride in that.
0:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I want new friends here.
0:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I want friends to do things with.
0:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I want friends to go out to dinner and do silly things with and go kayaking and all of that.
0:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I think that if we all just admitted that we just wanted friends, it's not a negative thing.
0:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Dear Nina Conversations about Friendship.
0:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I am your host, Nina Badsen.
0:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been writing about Friendship since twenty fourteen.
0:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's a lot of time talking and reading and studying about Friendship.
0:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
0:40
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a ageless, timeless topic which brings us perfectly to today's guest who is going to tell us about moving to a brand new town at the age of thirty one.
0:52
[SPEAKER_01]: single to a place that she had no family or friends.
0:55
[SPEAKER_01]: I loved her story because it is so uplifting, it is so full of fun and adventure and great lessons for anyone at any age and any stage to make new friends and it doesn't matter if you're in a new city or not because you can be in the town that you've lived in your whole life.
1:09
[SPEAKER_01]: and still be open to making new friends and wanting new experiences.
1:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Lisa Gerdano, after living for thirty-one years in the northeast, took a leap of faith and moved across the country to Austin, Texas, without knowing anyone.
1:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Filling her car to the brim and driving across the country with her cat, she embarked on a new journey and decided to document it along the way.
1:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Lisa is a normal single, thirty-something building of life she thrives in.
1:33
[SPEAKER_01]: She makes lifestyle content and documents navigating her thirties.
1:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Starting over, solo life, life and awesome.
1:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Her Instagram is thrive in your thirties.
1:42
[SPEAKER_01]: She has a really fun content about being new to town.
1:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Her story is relevant, whether you are new to a town or not.
1:49
[SPEAKER_01]: You will hear a little tidbit that I
1:52
[SPEAKER_01]: shared about my mom's idioth birthday, which is just a great reminder that you are never too old to make new friends even if you've lived in the same town for over fifty years, which was the case of my mom and Chicago.
2:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's hear from Lisa herself.
2:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I hope you enjoy the conversation.
2:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Hi Lisa.
2:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Dear Nina.
2:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Hi.
2:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for having me.
2:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm super excited for this conversation.
2:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I love when I'm on someone's podcast and then they're on mine.
2:17
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's been a year since I was on yours and a lot has happened to you in a year.
2:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, really your whole life is completely different.
2:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Can you just tell them what you were doing before when I first met you on your podcast and where you are now, where you live, what you're doing for work, all of that.
2:35
[SPEAKER_00]: When we first talked, I was living in Hoboken, New Jersey.
2:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I was working at a startup living the solo life, which I still am now, but back in October of twenty twenty four, I packed up my entire life in my car and a storage unit and river cross country from Hoboken, New Jersey to Austin, Texas without knowing anyone here.
2:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been here a couple of times and just really loved what the city had to offer and felt it really.
2:59
[SPEAKER_00]: authentically matched to how I want to live my life, especially as a solo single woman in her thirties and kind of how I wanted to shape shift my life moving forward.
3:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I've been here since October and have been in my first apartment where I'm sitting currently since January.
3:14
[SPEAKER_01]: That is a huge move.
3:16
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a huge move for so many reasons, but especially because I assume you have no family in the city.
3:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Zero.
3:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
3:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So did you have friends before?
3:24
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
3:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
3:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Can you tell me some of the things you chose it on what attracted you because you couldn't move anywhere?
3:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so to your point, I'm moving anywhere.
3:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I work a remote job.
3:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually am working a different job now and it's still remote.
3:35
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've really do have that flexibility and I know that a lot of people don't.
3:39
[SPEAKER_00]: So I feel very privileged in that.
3:41
[SPEAKER_00]: But I really honestly did a lot of self reflection on what I wanted my free time and weekends to look like.
3:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I am the type of person where I think that I really love activities and hobbies being outside and going to concerts and really like enjoying and immersing myself in things and hobbies and activities.
3:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And I always kind of like joke with my friends that I can't go out to dinner for the rest of my life.
4:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I just need to be doing something different.
4:05
[SPEAKER_00]: A music festival and so Austin has a lot of that to offer.
4:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Music concerts, festivals, art festivals, museums, the weather is great.
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[SPEAKER_00]: People are out kayaking and paddle boarding and just doing a variety of different things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But also a great restaurant scene.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to lean into that and a great like going out scene, there's a lot of comedy venues here, just a variety of things to do, which really helped.
4:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I really hear what you're saying on choosing a place where doing and being part of community is part of the culture.
4:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I did an episode, and of course, I don't have the number off the top of my head, but it was recent about sober curiosity with a woman who felt kind of what you were saying that the only thing there was to do in her town was like, go to the bar as watch a game, go to your kid sports, watch a game, drinking.
4:50
[SPEAKER_01]: It was part of it, and it wasn't as much activity, and she was thinking about, as she's getting older, then she wanna move somewhere, like Colorado, where
4:57
[SPEAKER_01]: doing is more part of it.
4:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's something to think about the hobbies you like and your hobby can't be like just scrolling on your phone.
5:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, exactly.
5:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm definitely guilty of that, too.
5:07
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, please.
5:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I really wanted to immerse myself in what life has to offer.
5:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I've had a huge life and mindset shift like in the last probably like two to three years about how I want to spend my free time and what community means and friendships and
5:22
[SPEAKER_00]: how to live my best life and, you know, for lack of better word, my whole profile and page is being able to thrive even when things are hard.
5:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So how did your friends react?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Your friends are out east.
5:31
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a good question.
5:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I had the mixed reactions.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's apparently some people not a fault to them, but maybe just like didn't understand.
5:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Your family's here and your sister's not that far.
5:42
[SPEAKER_00]: She lives in Savannah, Georgia and did a similar move at the same age.
5:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it was kind of just like, that's great, but why do you have to do that?
5:50
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, what's the reason or that's great.
5:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm excited for you, but I don't really like understand.
5:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I had other friends who were like, yeah, I'm not surprised at all.
5:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually had a handful of friends who were like, yeah, that makes sense.
6:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I lived in Baltimore for grad school.
6:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I lived in Philadelphia.
6:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I lived in Hoboken and I would always just
6:06
[SPEAKER_00]: that I just couldn't pick a city.
6:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that that's important to be aware about, but then also understand that you don't have to be stuck somewhere, and that there's no real reason, again, I'm privileged because I work for milk, but there's no real reason that you have to go somewhere, whether it's a relationship or a job, you can just go somewhere because you want to live that life, and you want to be in better weather, and you want to kayak on a Saturday.
6:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
6:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm thinking about this position of being thirty one coming to a city where you don't know anyone and what I love about your story I really want you to be on the podcast is I hear from a lot of people yes who have moved and need to make new friends but also who have been in the same town forever.
6:45
[SPEAKER_01]: and feel there in a friendship rut of some kind.
6:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And I felt like your story of being freshly new, not just five years ago, it's sort of a distant memory, but I mean, you're really living it right now, being in a new place where you had no family and no friends and having to make friends.
6:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I was hoping you could share some of the things you have done to make friends, because I want to be transparent too, that when I moved to Minneapolis, I moved with my fiance, who was from here and had family here.
7:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's really not the same.
7:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I
7:13
[SPEAKER_01]: had that safety net of his family of him.
7:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Your adventure is like our title full of possibility and thriving, which I know is a huge part of what you talk about.
7:24
[SPEAKER_01]: What did you do really take us through it?
7:25
[SPEAKER_01]: How did you make friends?
7:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that it's important to talk about kind of backstory a little bit in Hoboken.
7:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I had a lot of friends up there and still do and my parents and aunt and uncles and cousins, but you can still make new friends in your current area.
7:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And so even though I had community and things to do, I got a second job.
7:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I worked a front desk at a fitness studio.
7:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I still talk to a couple of those girls once going to fly out this year to visit.
7:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I think that there's other ways to meet people that you're not always stuck.
7:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that a huge thing is you have to put yourself in new situations and you have to be okay with whatever the outcome is.
8:00
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to be okay that maybe if you meet someone in new exchange numbers, you only may be like, hang out a couple times because you don't completely hit it off.
8:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I kept telling myself that when I moved here, it's not gonna happen overnight.
8:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And I still tell myself that and I probably will for the next year and a half, it's not gonna happen overnight.
8:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And as we're recording this right now, I only have transparently two friends that are really good friends.
8:21
[SPEAKER_00]: The three of us hang out every weekend.
8:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm working on making more friends.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I have two girls that I would consider like my besties here.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we do everything together.
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[SPEAKER_00]: like celebrate that for a second.
8:31
[SPEAKER_01]: That's huge to have people to do stuff with, that you actually would like.
8:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Because by the way, having people to do stuff with is just great on its own, even if they aren't besty status, right?
8:40
[SPEAKER_01]: But just their up for stuff, they're willing to go to a concert or go hiking on a Saturday.
8:44
[SPEAKER_01]: That's wonderful.
8:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes those early friends are the people who maybe will still be in your life in ten years or something, but that's okay.
8:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, absolutely.
8:52
[SPEAKER_00]: There's value in every friendship and I'm learning myself every day of how friendship evolves in every life stage, no matter where you're at or where your friends are at.
9:01
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to change and that's been a lot of growing pains for me personally and the heart truth of this life evolves.
9:07
[SPEAKER_00]: But to answer your question about how I was making friends,
9:11
[SPEAKER_00]: The two friends that I just mentioned actually messaged me on Instagram through my page.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The one found me on TikTok and moved here for a new job too.
9:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Similar story, same age.
9:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Also living single wanted to like start over and DMed me and said thanks for documenting this.
9:27
[SPEAKER_00]: We live a lot of the same life and morals and values.
9:31
[SPEAKER_00]: If you ever want to hang out and get coffee, that was back in October when I moved here.
9:35
[SPEAKER_00]: We've hung out.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think every single weekend except two.
9:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
9:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Since.
9:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I just love to give credit where credit is due to both you.
9:42
[SPEAKER_01]: You putting yourself out there on social media.
9:44
[SPEAKER_01]: People have a lot of negative things to say about social media and yet it has these really positive moments when it used well.
9:50
[SPEAKER_01]: It puts the social part in.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It really can connect you.
9:52
[SPEAKER_01]: So you had to be bolder role to do that.
9:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So good for you.
9:55
[SPEAKER_01]: But also to her.
9:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's actually really hard to reach out to a total stranger and be like, you seem really cool.
10:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I love to hang out.
10:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, a hundred percent.
10:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I told her that it takes guts to just message a stranger and kind of say like we share a lot of the similar life story.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And she said to me, thanks for normalizing what's hard.
10:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought that that was really authentic and vulnerable.
10:14
[SPEAKER_00]: That message helped me probably just as much as I helped her.
10:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I'll close as she live like two miles, Austin's on that big.
10:21
[SPEAKER_01]: That's great.
10:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Talk so much because it's really true about proximity and how important it is because a good message for listeners.
10:28
[SPEAKER_01]: It's always great to reach out to people.
10:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I think if she had message you and you guys have that great chemistry online, what you can feel at least to start, but then it turned out she lived a forty five minute drive.
10:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not going for a last minute walk.
10:39
[SPEAKER_01]: It just takes longer for those hours to add up that are required to make a close friend.
10:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Two miles is amazing.
10:45
[SPEAKER_01]: That's fantastic.
10:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the other side of it, I had someone else message me on Instagram.
10:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Say a very similar thing.
10:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I just moved here.
10:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I got a new job where the same age I'm also starting over.
10:57
[SPEAKER_00]: If you ever want to grab coffee, would love to connect.
11:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have to answer any of those messages.
11:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I could have seen that and been like awesome so great to meet you and that's it.
11:06
[SPEAKER_00]: But I chose to be vulnerable and was also in a state where like I needed friends.
11:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I also think Nina that if we just all admitted that we want and need friends in life, I think a lot of things would be easier.
11:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I want friendship.
11:18
[SPEAKER_00]: I value my friends so much.
11:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I'm a good friend and I've really taken pride in that.
11:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I want new friends here.
11:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I want friends to do things with.
11:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I want friends about a dinner and do silly things with and go kayaking and all of that.
11:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I think that if we all just admitted that we just wanted friends, it's not a negative thing.
11:34
[SPEAKER_00]: You need people to do stuff with doing things solo, right?
11:38
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really important too, but you also need people to like share this experience with
11:41
[SPEAKER_00]: You would probably appreciate this crazy story, but that other friend also sent me a DM and we got chatting and just heard about what broader to Austin and where she was living prior and where she went to college, et cetera, et cetera.
11:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Turns out the two of them, the girls that messaged me went to nursing school together, undergrad, and didn't know that the other person moved to Austin.
12:01
[SPEAKER_01]: No way.
12:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, in this day and age, it is hard to believe that just through social media, some kind that wouldn't have come up.
12:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Did they like each other in nursing school?
12:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Did they have good chemistry then?
12:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Sounded like it was a really big nursing cohort like ADD to a hundred people.
12:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that thing.
12:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, uh, each other, but I kind of like connected the dots and I was like, wait, you're an MP and you're from here and you did under, I was like, wait a second.
12:22
[SPEAKER_00]: This is way too of a small world, which I think also people need to remember to that it's a really small world.
12:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And so now that three of us are like the three musketeers, I love operand.
12:32
[SPEAKER_01]: No, you said something.
12:32
[SPEAKER_01]: There was something really important in there that stuck out to me.
12:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I loved when you said, yes, everyone should admit that they need friends and one friend.
12:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you said, I'm a good friend.
12:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I loved that that coming at it with that energy and attitude, which I know you have, but this is advice for other people coming at it with not sort of a sheepish.
12:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't believe that I'm in a state of life where I need more friends.
12:52
[SPEAKER_01]: No, you have something to offer.
12:54
[SPEAKER_01]: because other people do need friends and hear you are being open.
12:58
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like a gift to other people to be looking and be open to new friends.
13:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love that though, but to say, I'm a good friend.
13:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I bring something to the table.
13:06
[SPEAKER_01]: This isn't desperation.
13:07
[SPEAKER_01]: This is going to opportunity for other people frankly.
13:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And it takes a lot of guts and vulnerability to put yourself out online and make Instagram reals and talk about the hard things and stuff like that.
13:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I give myself credit too.
13:19
[SPEAKER_00]: But then I also give them credit.
13:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, it takes guts to message someone and be like, actually, I think we're living like a parallel life.
13:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's been really fun.
13:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But I've made acquaintances friendly friendships in other ways, which I'm sure we'll get into.
13:32
[SPEAKER_00]: But those are like my two closest friends here.
13:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't even the real life situation.
13:36
[SPEAKER_00]: It literally was just because I've decided to make content online.
13:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, what about some of the real life ones?
13:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, this real life such a funny expression, because those are real life that you know what I'm saying that didn't involve social media.
13:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, of course.
13:48
[SPEAKER_00]: I met this girl at the post office.
13:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my gosh, I love a class that's so like wholesome.
13:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I was at the post office picking up a package and it was a self-pick up.
13:59
[SPEAKER_00]: No one was coming to service the area.
14:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And so the girl in front of me kind of turned around and was like, do you know, there should be a ring this bell and I was like, I don't know what's doing.
14:06
[SPEAKER_00]: No one's coming.
14:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I noticed that she was wearing a New York Yankees hat and I am from New Jersey.
14:11
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I know that logo and I just asked her, are you from New York?
14:14
[SPEAKER_00]: And she said, no, but I just moved here from Manhattan.
14:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, no way.
14:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I just moved here from Hoboken and for listeners for geographical purposes.
14:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Hoboken and Manhattan are across the Hudson River from each other.
14:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm glad you told me that because I did not know the distance.
14:30
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're standing on the west side highway, you can see Hoboken and Jersey City.
14:33
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're standing on the waterfront in Hoboken and Jersey City, you can see Manhattan.
14:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I kind of just asked, and she was like, no, I just moved here.
14:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Actually, I lived in X neighborhood.
14:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, oh my gosh, my friend and her husband used to live in that neighborhood.
14:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I moved here from Hoboken.
14:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you live in Manhattan, you know Hoboken.
14:48
[SPEAKER_00]: We kind of just kept chatting.
14:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And she was like, do you want to exchange numbers?
14:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that weird?
14:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, do you grab coffee or something?
14:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Good for her.
14:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I love these kind of stories.
14:56
[SPEAKER_01]: People need to hear it.
14:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, people do things like this.
14:58
[SPEAKER_01]: People do ask for numbers.
15:00
[SPEAKER_01]: It happens.
15:01
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I took a pottery class a couple days ago.
15:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I noticed that another girl was there solo too.
15:06
[SPEAKER_00]: We got chatting.
15:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I asked her where she lived in Austin.
15:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Turns out she just moved back.
15:10
[SPEAKER_00]: She's from Austin.
15:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Just moved back here after living at West.
15:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Also was kind of starting over again, even though she's living with her mom and her parents.
15:19
[SPEAKER_00]: She was like, I'm reinventing myself in this city that I grew up in.
15:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we exchanged numbers and I was like, I have a pool of my complex, you know, if you have on a grout coffee, I want people who are listening to know that you have to be comfortable doing the uncomfortable thing and also not have expectations.
15:35
[SPEAKER_00]: There's people that I've hung out with that I've met on Bumble BFF that I hung out with once and never heard from again.
15:40
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just the reality, but if you find a couple people that start to click, or maybe someone that is doing mutual outreach, lean into that and kind of be able to put yourself in new situations, because there are people who want friends.
15:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I want friends.
15:54
[SPEAKER_00]: There are people who want friends too.
15:56
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you said you had to be comfortable being uncomfortable and that is so true.
16:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I think you also have to just not be comfortable sometimes.
16:05
[SPEAKER_01]: You may not ever get comfortable and then do it anyway.
16:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Push yourself.
16:09
[SPEAKER_01]: You got to push yourself to ask for the number to if you get the number to actually call the person, give your number all these things, take a lot of practice.
16:18
[SPEAKER_01]: You may never be comfortable.
16:20
[SPEAKER_01]: There are people
16:21
[SPEAKER_01]: for whom even well into their eighties, it's going to be uncomfortable.
16:24
[SPEAKER_01]: You will appreciate that my mom just had her eighties birthday.
16:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I was in Chicago for her party.
16:29
[SPEAKER_01]: She threw herself a luncheon, which I love.
16:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that she throws her own parties.
16:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Some of them was family.
16:34
[SPEAKER_01]: The rest was friends.
16:35
[SPEAKER_01]: There were four women there who I'd never met before.
16:38
[SPEAKER_01]: My mom has lived in the same town and in Chicago for many, many, many years since college.
16:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I know all her friends.
16:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So for there to be for new women, my point is she goes to classes.
16:48
[SPEAKER_01]: She does things.
16:49
[SPEAKER_01]: She meets new people.
16:51
[SPEAKER_01]: It never ends, but how did she meet them?
16:53
[SPEAKER_01]: They probably like we're in a class together.
16:54
[SPEAKER_01]: They probably got along well.
16:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, but something still has to happen.
16:58
[SPEAKER_01]: from that class and having a nice conversation for them to be at her ADF birthday party.
17:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Somebody did something vulnerable in there.
17:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't even know the whole story.
17:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And that every good conversation in every class you take, like you could go to a pottery class and really have a nice time with the people in and it doesn't have to turn into something outside of class and it still has value.
17:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It's practiced.
17:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Going to these things and talking to people, even if it's just in the class, it's still good practice in having conversations with strangers.
17:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I totally agree.
17:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that to your point, Nina, about having uncomfortable conversations, but not always expecting it to go a certain way.
17:30
[SPEAKER_00]: When I was living in Hoboken, I religiously went to this workout class and I didn't make a single front from it.
17:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's okay.
17:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I also was kind of there just to work out and get a sweat in and be around other women who enjoyed the same thing.
17:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's some really good music and start my Saturday off with a sweat.
17:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Hi, became friendly with the owner.
17:48
[SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes you can just be in spaces because you like the spaces and that is something that you enjoy and it doesn't always have to have a certain outcome.
17:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think navigating your expectations also is important.
18:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I often tell people, I wonder if you agree.
18:02
[SPEAKER_01]: It was where different ages and different stages that I don't actually think gyms are a great place to meet.
18:07
[SPEAKER_01]: People and I agree, it's good to work out.
18:09
[SPEAKER_01]: That's its own, obviously, good, healthy thing in your routine.
18:12
[SPEAKER_01]: But unless the class itself has a time where people can talk, but when the music's really loud, or even if it's yoga, let's say that's really
18:21
[SPEAKER_01]: encouraged to be sort of within and kind of taking things in, not really talking.
18:26
[SPEAKER_01]: It's hard to meet people as opposed to maybe powdery or hiking or something that has more quiet in and some talking time.
18:34
[SPEAKER_01]: You have to sometimes think about if you really are trying to make friends, maybe choosing things that have more discussion as part of it or time to talk.
18:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I agree.
18:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I see both sides of the coin on that.
18:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I do think that a lot of people go to workout classes to take care of their health and wellness and mental health and that's great and everything.
18:51
[SPEAKER_00]: But I do think that often workout classes are kind of put into people's schedules during the week to
18:57
[SPEAKER_00]: check a box in a way to like, I'm taking care of myself.
19:00
[SPEAKER_00]: This is great.
19:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I enjoy this and I'm gonna go out to dinner with my husband tonight and like they kind of part of their schedule.
19:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I agree that it's not always when intended outcome of a friend.
19:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I do think that if workout places have community events, you should go to that if there's a post class, happy hour, mock till hour or it's an instructor's anniversary and they're like doing something for it and your consistent client go.
19:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I think something like that, but it's definitely hard to kind of strike up conversation before or after class.
19:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I do think that a lot of times people are like in and out, and I'm guilty of that, too.
19:34
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to get in, you want to do something fun, take care of yourself, hear some good music, be around people so that you feel social, have a conversation with the front desk person or the random girl next to you, and then kind of go home and move on with your guys.
19:44
[SPEAKER_01]: I've got a lifetime and I see this, especially for the older set, you know, maybe sixty plus they do try to do that, which is nice.
19:50
[SPEAKER_01]: They have these coffees set up and clearly there's a need.
19:53
[SPEAKER_01]: People are coming to the gym to meet people, but there has to be a space.
19:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Literal space, you know, just mental space, a table, something, a place people can do.
20:01
[SPEAKER_01]: If we missed anything, things that you've done or things that you think would help other people and we haven't focused that much actually as I'm asking you a question.
20:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to ask you a question within the question on the solo aspect of it.
20:13
[SPEAKER_01]: If there's anything else you want to say about that.
20:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that important things I want listeners to know who made share similar story to mine or are just trying to expand their social life or whatever it may be is to just not have high expectations, but to also just be comfortable doing things alone.
20:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a couple of friends here, like I've said, but I spend a lot of time alone, and that's okay.
20:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Not everyone is always doing something all the time, and I think social media kind of clouds that expectation that there's always a friend group.
20:40
[SPEAKER_00]: There's always a birthday dinner, and a lot of Saturdays I'm doing returns at Whole Foods and walking around TJ Maxx to find a future grabbing a cute lunch and trying a new coffee shop, and that's it.
20:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I do have a role for myself.
20:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I do one social activity a weekend as much as I can.
20:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So whether that's grabbing coffee with someone and going on a walk, the river trail or doing a concert or doing something outside or whatever it may be.
21:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So this weekend, a couple of friends and I are going to the rodeo in Austin and then on Saturday morning, we're trying a new workout class and getting coffee after.
21:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I've created a role in myself to try to do one social activity weekend.
21:18
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not to say that I do that all the time last weekend.
21:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to hang out with anyone.
21:22
[SPEAKER_00]: So I said no to plans.
21:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I did the whole foods returns.
21:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And I went to TJ Maxx and Pekko and random stuff like that.
21:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's fine too.
21:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Not everyone is an extrovert.
21:30
[SPEAKER_00]: So just don't be hot on yourself.
21:32
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a great rule, by the way, you're using that muscle and it's important to use it or it gets really easy to not do anything.
21:39
[SPEAKER_01]: But I agree with you and it's really important to be comfortable doing stuff by yourself.
21:42
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a huge part of life and could make yourself not to try to fill every social opportunity.
21:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I used to be someone who hated spending time alone.
21:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And I never understood, I want to be romped around and doing things and be busy and stuff.
21:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Typically on a Friday night, I will just cook food and I love documentaries.
21:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll just sit on my couch with my cat and watch a new documentary and kind of learn something new about whatever this documentary is.
22:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And you don't have to be busy all the time.
22:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that it's important just to not be hard of yourself.
22:09
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, as I have said, it's just not gonna happen overnight.
22:12
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not gonna happen overnight.
22:13
[SPEAKER_00]: That's okay.
22:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you feel comfortable, maybe this was more a thing on Hoboken?
22:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Since you are still pretty new in Austin, would you go out with a couple?
22:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Is that unpleasant?
22:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Or is it a nice to have a different dynamic?
22:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I would.
22:24
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of my friends back home are in relationships in my roommate that I was living with, had a boyfriend, and the three of us would go out and get ice cream, especially when it was nice out.
22:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that was always fun.
22:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think that you need to have friends in
22:37
[SPEAKER_00]: a variety of buckets.
22:38
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to have the friends who are in relationships because you can learn something from them and they can learn something from you.
22:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they can learn from you to be more social or to try new things without their partner.
22:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can learn from them and observe relationship qualities and things that are good or bad or ask them relationship advice or dating advice or whatever maybe.
22:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I think that I have learned that you need to have friends in every area, especially where you are in life.
23:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So for me,
23:06
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really important that I have friends who are also single willing to try new things.
23:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And so those two girls that I mentioned earlier, we all moved here around three months apart.
23:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we're all kind of like freshmen in Austin together.
23:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Everything is new and everything is exciting and they haven't tried a restaurant and I haven't either.
23:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It's fun and I think that if anyone is trying to move to a new city, my advice is to really try to be friend people who are also new to that city because I've hung out with people here who have lived here for three years and they are in relationships and live at their partner and have really established themselves and that's okay.
23:41
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not personal.
23:42
[SPEAKER_00]: They just have like done all of the things that I want to do.
23:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe their lifestyle and schedule and commitments just look different because they've been here for three years now and so it's not
23:51
[SPEAKER_00]: personal.
23:52
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just kind of situational.
23:53
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think it's important to remember that, too.
23:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So so so important.
23:56
[SPEAKER_01]: That is not personal.
23:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so glad you said that cannot be overstated.
24:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I had to learn that myself moving here and focusing too much on people who already had friends here.
24:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I was so bitter about it for so long.
24:08
[SPEAKER_01]: It's part of like how I got into the friendship topic and letting go of that bitterness is so important.
24:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I wish I'd done it sooner.
24:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so embarrassed for the little chip I had on my shoulder for really too long.
24:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Now that I've been here so long, I've been here twenty some years.
24:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I
24:21
[SPEAKER_01]: very open to friendship.
24:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like my mom, like I hope that when I'm eighty, I'll have a couple new friends.
24:26
[SPEAKER_01]: That said, I don't want to spend every social opportunity of every week, always with someone who's brand new to town.
24:33
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a need that they have on that side that I really can't deliver on and then there's a certain pressure.
24:38
[SPEAKER_01]: You're so right that having people in the same freshman stage, I love that expression of experiencing things together and you're all more open to it like you said because you haven't experienced those things.
24:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe in Minneapolis, you know, I don't want to go to a certain museum for like the fifth time.
24:53
[SPEAKER_01]: But that would be great for two people who are new.
24:56
[SPEAKER_01]: There's another friendship opportunity that is I think important for people to remember, which is you can be in a similar stage as somebody which is helpful, but different ages.
25:03
[SPEAKER_01]: That is still a great friendship potential.
25:06
[SPEAKER_01]: being new to town, perhaps both being single, and like this case, even if you're ten years apart, but also people who are new to any town, or who are just looking for friends in the town they're in, to that forget to look outside your age.
25:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I only in the past I'd say five years have started making younger friends.
25:23
[SPEAKER_01]: They've added so much to my life.
25:25
[SPEAKER_01]: We're in slightly different stages, but it's really tennis that brought us together.
25:28
[SPEAKER_01]: What if I didn't play tennis?
25:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I couldn't find someone to play because nobody in my age with kids who have teenager.
25:33
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a silly to be stuck in that.
25:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And I also have friends who are probably ten years older.
25:37
[SPEAKER_01]: It's really writing that brought us together.
25:39
[SPEAKER_01]: We have that in common.
25:40
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't always need to have all the boxes, Jack.
25:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I totally agree.
25:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And that actually is something that I'm still learning.
25:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's easy to be like, oh, well, they're twenty five or oh, they're like thirty seven.
25:51
[SPEAKER_00]: How are we gonna bond or whatever?
25:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, what are their morals?
25:54
[SPEAKER_00]: How do they see the world?
25:55
[SPEAKER_00]: What do they value?
25:56
[SPEAKER_00]: What do they like to do for fun?
25:58
[SPEAKER_00]: For example, when I was living in Hoboken when I worked at the fitness studio, I became and still a really close with one of the instructors.
26:04
[SPEAKER_00]: She's thirty eight and I'm about to be thirty two.
26:07
[SPEAKER_00]: The wisdom and just maturity and insight that she has been able to give me.
26:13
[SPEAKER_00]: She went through a divorce and was single and then now is in a new her relationship.
26:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Being able to understand that experience through her and the maturity and insight, I would have never gotten
26:25
[SPEAKER_00]: from a twenty four year old because maybe they haven't experienced that yet and that's okay.
26:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I totally agree with you Nina, but that was something like I had to learn.
26:32
[SPEAKER_00]: It was kind of awkward and hard.
26:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you kind of just learn.
26:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, they want the same things and then it doesn't matter.
26:37
[SPEAKER_00]: What I've learned is that
26:40
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people are in similar life stages regardless of age.
26:44
[SPEAKER_00]: You can be thirty eight and single.
26:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm almost thirty two and single.
26:50
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a similar life stage.
26:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that when you shift your thinking, it can actually make for a healthier experience.
26:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Lisa, thank you.
26:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So much for first of all, being willing to come in here and share your wisdom not to bring up age again, but you know, I am quite a bit older than you, but it has been a very long time since I moved to a new town and I didn't do it completely solo packing up my car on my own like that.
27:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I admire what you've done.
27:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It sounds so fun.
27:16
[SPEAKER_01]: It sounds like you're really living just a fantastic fun adventure out there.
27:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And I will have everywhere in the show.
27:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Those people can find your TikToks, your Instagrams, and like really see the stuff you're doing in Austin.
27:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I will also have our episode from your podcast because we talked about navigating friendship and adulthood, which I guess people probably used to hearing me talk about that, but it would be if you want to hear Lisa again.
27:38
[SPEAKER_01]: you could check out her whole podcast that she's going to continue when she has time and isn't settling into a new town.
27:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
27:45
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, everyone, come back next week when our friendships are going well.
27:48
[SPEAKER_01]: We are happier all around.
27:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Bye.
27:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Hello listeners, huge favor to ask of you if you have been enjoying this podcast.
27:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love if you would share it with a friend.
27:58
[SPEAKER_01]: It is truly the best way to spread the word.
28:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Of course, if you have time to leave a review on Apple that is wonderful or to leave five stars on Apple or Spotify, that's great.
28:08
[SPEAKER_01]: But if you're going to just do one thing to help out the show because it has helped you in some way, sharing it with a friend is the best.
28:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Take an episode and say, I really think you would enjoy this.
28:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm just so appreciative.
28:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I love having the community where that is growing.
28:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for considering that.
28:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Have a great week.