Latest / ok storytime / My husband wanted to name our daughter AFTER his best friend… but I wouldn’t allow it! -r/BORUpdates | Reddit Stories | EP3131

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My husband wanted to name our daughter AFTER his best friend… but I wouldn’t allow it! -r/BORUpdates | Reddit Stories | EP3131 · ok storytime

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Carly.
• 0:01
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• 0:10
  Speaker 2: My husband wanted to name our daughter after his best friend,
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: but I wouldn't allow it.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Eh, eh, eh, name it after me.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: A age 29 female gave birth to our daughter three
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: days ago, and somehow we're still arguing about her name. After?
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I thought that was supposed to be figured out.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Okay. You're doing it in the wrong order. Yeah, she's
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: birthed and she's like, she looks like a Meg. Yeah,
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: you know?
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: That's Tiffany in my books.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: I'm writing this while she's asleep because I can't sleep anyway.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: And I honestly don't even know if I'm overreacting anymore.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: My husband, 31 male, has wanted to name her Claire
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: for basically my entire pregnancy. He told me it was
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: the name of one of his closest friends who passed
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: away a few years before we met. I said no
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: almost immediately. Not because I dislike the name, I actually
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: think it's pretty, but because I wasn't comfortable naming our
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: first child after somebody I'd never met or even heard
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: of until I got pregnant. I figured he'd be disappointed.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: We'd throw around a bunch of other names, and eventually
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: we'd find one that we both liked. That never happened.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Every few weeks, he'd bring up Claire again, sometimes while
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: we were already talking about names, and sometimes completely out
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: of nowhere. By the end of my pregnancy, I was
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: honestly tired of having the same conversation over and over.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: By the way, this comes from user throwaway7693200. And if
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: you want to submit your own stories, go to the
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: r slash OKStoryTime subreddit. I'm Keon.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: I'm Savannah.
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: I'm Sophia.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: And we're here to give good advice goofily. We do
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: not know everything. We only know what we'd do, so
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: let us know what you'd do in the comments. As
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: Opie says, the thing that's bothering me now isn't even
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: the name. We've been together for over five years, married
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: for two, And somehow, I have never heard of this
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: woman's name until I was pregnant. I've met his parents,
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: his brothers, his college friends, people he's known forever, and
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: nobody has ever mentioned a Claire. That's very obscure. I
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: even asked one of his college friends at our baby
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: shower because I thought maybe I'd somehow forgotten hearing about Claire.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: And he just looked confused and said he didn't know
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: who I was talking about. Then, after our daughter was born...
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: While we were filing out the paperwork, my husband asked
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: one last time if I'd reconsider. I said no. And
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: that's when he told me he'd always imagined naming his
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: daughter after Claire. I asked why he'd never told me
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: that before. And he just shrugged, said he didn't think
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: it mattered.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: What?
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: This is crazy.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: I like Suffer King. I declare there will be no Claire.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: No Claire here.
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: Oh, I do declare. Compromise.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Middle name.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: Oh. My mom thinks I should let him have the
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: name because it's obviously meant something to him for a
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: long time. My sister thinks... That's exactly why I shouldn't
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: do that. Maybe I'm just exhausted because I've barely slept
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: since I gave birth, but I'm so tired of feeling
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: like I'm missing part of the story. It's gotten to
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: the point where I'm thinking about calling his mom and
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: asking who Claire was because I don't know what else
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: to do. It feels completely out of line, but so
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: does finding out about somebody this important or While I'm
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: filling out our daughter's birth certificate. So what's on the
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: birth certificate then? Is it placeholder?
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: No name.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: Is it quotes?
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: Blankety blankety blank.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: Would I be overreacting if I called his mother?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: I don't think it's overreacting. I think you just want
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: to know and he's not telling you.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: His argument is really stupid. And he's like, why does
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: it matter to you? It's not that big of a
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: deal when it's like such a big deal to him.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it is a little weird.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: I don't understand why. Well, not why he like he's
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: like all or nothing.
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: Like there's no compromise at all.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: Also, the fact that like he's fighting with his wife
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: who has just given birth kind of piss.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Did you forget that I carried this baby?
• 4:14
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Do you do you care that I just went through
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: like a whole hormonal flush? I'm still kind of dealing
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: with it. It's been three days.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, this is very weird. Let's find out maybe
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: the reason why he wants the name Claire? Update two
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: days later. I wasn't expecting to update this two days later,
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: but a lot happened really fast. First, thanks to everyone
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: who commented. A bunch of you told me to talk
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: to my mother-in-law because she'd probably know the answer. I
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: went back and forth on it for a while because
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: it felt weird to go around my husband like that.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: But eventually, I did call her. She asked if I
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: wanted to meet for coffee the next morning, so I did.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: I honestly thought I was going to leave feeling embarrassed.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: I figured she'd tell me Claire really was just a
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: close friend and I'd realize I'd let myself get carried
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: away because I'm just exhausted and emotional and I just
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: had a baby. The first thing she had asked me
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: was what my husband had already told me about Claire.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: I said that she'd been his best friend and he
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: wanted to name our daughter after her. She just kind
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: of looked at me for a second. Then she told me,
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: They'd been engaged.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God. Bye.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: No, he's done. Don't ever.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: What is wrong with you? Giving this whole tragic backstory
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: to just be like, oh, I really want to be
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: reminded of my once past lover. Now is my daughter's name.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: Naming it after my past lover. Do you realize how
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: crazy that sounds?
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is insane. The more we talked, the more
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: names came up. His parents knew. His brother knew. And
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: one of his old roommates knew because they'd lived together
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: at the time. Funny enough, it was the same friend
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: who I'd asked at our baby shower. No one had
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: told me anything. Apparently, most people just knew he'd been
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: dating someone who got sick. His mom told me Claire
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: was diagnosed with an aggressive form of terminal illness not
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: long after they started dating.
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: Oh, oh, oh.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: So that that was not clear.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: That was not Claire.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: That was not Claire at all. I, whoa. Okay, so
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: he technically was not lying and he wants to honor,
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: I just. Nah, no.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: No.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: No, no, no.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: Especially how he's been so hung up on it and
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: not respecting your boundaries.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that has nothing to do with, you know, OP.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: Sorry, but this, I would.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: Like a name that we come up with, not in
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: remembrance of fiance who passed from an illness.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, time to get some clarity. Opie continues saying things
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: moved fast after that because they knew they probably didn't
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: have years together. So he proposed and she passed away
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: not long after. She also told me she'd assumed I'd
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: known about all of this for years. When we got engaged,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: she thought he'd already told me. Same thing when we
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: got married. Same thing when I got pregnant. I call BS,
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: but maybe I'm just looking to point fingers. I drove
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: home after that and just waited for him to get
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: back from work because there wasn't any chance I was
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: going to act like everything was normal. I confronted him
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: that night and it went awful. Truly, he acted like
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: an entirely different person. At first, he wanted to know
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: why I'd gone to his mom. Then it became that
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: I had no right to dig into his past. Then
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: it became that Claire had nothing to do with our marriage.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Apparently it does because you're not over her, which like
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: is completely fine. But like, don't don't project that onto me.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: Also crazy to be saying Claire had nothing to do
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: with our marriage. You're trying to name our daughter Claire.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: That in honor of her. That has to do with
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: our marriage, I believe. And the rest of our lives.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: Then it was that I'd betrayed his trust by involving
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: his family. It just kept changing. I'd answer one thing
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: and we'd somehow end up on arguing about something else.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: I asked him when he'd plan on telling me he'd
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: been engaged because we'd already been together for over five years,
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: married for two, and now we had a daughter. Get this, guys.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: He said he always meant to tell me, but he didn't.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: He never effing told me, and I'm so angry at
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: how selfish it was. I packed a bag that night
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: and went to my sister's house with the baby, because
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: we don't have a name yet. Before people assume we're
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: getting divorced, that's not why I left. I still love
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: this man, and we have a child together. I couldn't
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: imagine raising her split in two households. I left because
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: we were both angry, and I could tell the argument
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: wasn't going anywhere. My sister's been helping me with the baby. Yesterday,
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: she realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and practically shoved
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: a sandwich into my hands because I'd completely forgotten. This
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: whole thing has been exhausting, and I haven't slept at all.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: I should do that with you, Savannah.
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: What?
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: Stuff a sandwich into my hands?
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, sometimes you forget to eat.
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: It's true. It's true, you do. So I would love that.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah. If someone just put a sandwich in my hand,
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, score!
• 9:08
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: Obi continues saying a few people asked about the birth certificate.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: The hospital told us we had time to finish the
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: paperwork after we left, so we weren't forced to pick
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: a name before going home. We obviously aren't going to
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: leave it forever, but right now, neither of us are
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: in any position to make that decision. My sister started
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: calling her Ellie because she said she felt weird saying
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: the baby all the time. And somewhere over the last day,
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: I've started doing it too. All right, last of us players.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: I don't know if that's going to end up being
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: her name, but it's the working filler while the crap
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: storm is ongoing. My husband has been calling and texting
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: since I left. He wants to see our daughter. And
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: we've made that happen because none of this has anything
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: to do with her. Whatever's going on between us, she's
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: still his daughter and he does love her. I don't
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: want people getting the idea that I'm trying to keep
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: her away from him because I'm not. I've seen a
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: lot Yeah.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I like Ellie. I think Ellie's cute. I know a
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: few kids named Ellie.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Do you think... I mean, this is just a question,
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: just throwing it out there. Do we think giving her
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: the middle name Claire is reasonable, unreasonable? Do you think
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: it's going to be like, no, let's just scrap Claire altogether?
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: I would scrap Claire.
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: I don't think.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: No. Because that's all I'm going to... I'm going to...
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Every time I hear it, I'm going to think of
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: the lies and the whole story behind it.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: And the stress and the arguing and like, yeah, understandable.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: And also, I like how Opie was like, you know,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I'm not denying him to see her because this has
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: nothing to do with her.
• 10:47
  Speaker 5: The whole reason is because she was born and you can't.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Find a name.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: It's not that big of a deal. You're making it
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: a really big deal right now. Just name her Claire.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: You don't have a choice.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like, yeah. Also, I think couples therapy would help.
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Because it's not a.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: it's not really going well when it, it was based
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: off of lies, you know, and not even lies. I mean,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: I guess maybe he did tell like a lie or two,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: but like, it was more just like hidden information, not
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: saying what actually happened or not mentioning it ever. Yeah.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, you don't have to, but when it
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: comes time to really dive into it, you can't just
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: be like, go in and nope, never happened. Yeah.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: This is, Again, our child.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: We should have an agreement between us, not one or
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: the other.
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah. It's not.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: And then that just makes me, I mean, it would
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: make me spiral to be like, oh, my God, what
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: else is he hiding? You know, na, na, na, na, na.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: Also, it pissed me off that nobody else, everyone just
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: assumed I knew this. The one friend lied to me.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: Hate that.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Hate that.
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: All right.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: Well, let's finish up the story and find out if
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: the baby actually has a name. Opie continued saying, Agreed.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: But then again.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Can you even call it lying?
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. I was like, it's not really
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: a lie because he didn't even say who this girl
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: was or what. He was just like, there's no reason.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: I just like.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: Well, he was like, it's from a friend that passed away.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's from a friend that passed away. Yeah, it's like.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: It was like from a certain point of view. Yeah,
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: he is. He did tell the truth.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but that was a white lie. That was not
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: just a friend.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: It wasn't the full lie. It was like very half lie.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: It's not like I ever asked him, oh, were you
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: married before? Because who the heck asked that?
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: It's like one of the first questions you ask on
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: your first date with somebody. Like, what's your favorite color?
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: What hobbies do you like? Have you been married before?
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Do you want to get married? And how many wives
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: do you want?
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: Instead... I found out because he wanted our daughter to
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: have her name. And then I found out from his
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: mother that she'd been his fiance. That's the part I
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: can't look past. I look back on my other post
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: and it feels like it was written by someone else.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: Two days ago, I thought we were arguing about a name. God,
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: I was so naive. I suppose question has turned into,
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: would I be overreacting to leave him over this? I'm
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: certainly mad, but I don't think we're to that point yet.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I don't want that for my baby either. We don't
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: even have a full name for the baby yet.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I just, I feel like it should be between,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: you know, it should be up to the people involved
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: to name the baby, but you got to agree, you know,
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: and also it's just, This has been blown so.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: Out of proportion.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: I would also be like, what else have you lied
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: to me about? The fact that we've been together for
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: seven years or five, multiple years, more than four at least,
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: and you couldn't bring this up to me, tell me
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: the truth or any of this, and then you tried
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: to gaslight me at the end there?
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: It could have just easily been, hey... I wanted to
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: name Claire after this, blah, blah, blah, blah. And obviously
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: OP would have been like, no. And then that would
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: have been the end of it.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: But he kept circling back. Yeah.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: He was like very persistent and was like, no, no, no.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: We have to.
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: Why don't you tell me the truth? That's what you
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: have to do.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: Zero respect for you. That's unbelievable. I'm sorry. Do we
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: think do we think OP is crazy to leave him?
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: Would would she be overreacting to leave him?
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I think they should try couples therapy first. I don't
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: think they need to throw away. They don't need to
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: like start. She doesn't need to start her first child's
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: life off as.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: A single mom.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: You know, it's just, it's a lot.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: And you don't want to just like throw all of
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: that away.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: I hope it works out because the baby needs a family.
• 14:44
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: And a name.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: And a name.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: The baby needs a name.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: We're calling it the baby. And that's the end of
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: this story. We're going to go on to the next one.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: My wife gave me an ultimatum. Cut off my family
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: or lose her.
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: This is about my wife, we're both 27, of 10 years.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: And we have had our ups and downs, but overall
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: she has been my rock by my side the entire time.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: Dang, y'all got married at 17?
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: We have been together since high school, and she even
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: got pregnant while in our senior year. There's why they
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: got married. We got married shortly after and have been
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: together ever since. She had a very traumatic childhood growing
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: up and over her adult years, she started confronting and
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: working past those things. She's a genuine person who will
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: go above and beyond for others. Fairly recently, she's starting
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: to realize her own worth in cutting out the people
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: she doesn't feel have given her the respect to reciprocate
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: and have made her feel less than. My childhood was
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: the opposite. There were no traumatic things that happened to me.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: My mom and dad weren't together, but it's been my
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: dad and stepmom and mom for as long as I
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: can remember. So it was the norm for me. I
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: had always thought our relationship was normal, but in adulthood,
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: things changed. By the way, this comes from Important Process 637,
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: and if you want to submit your own stories, go
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: to the r slash showcase story time subreddit.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: I'm Savannah.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: I'm Keon.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: I'm Sophia. And we're here to talk about some stuff,
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: get some advice, but we don't have all your answers.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: We're literally only going to tell you what we would do,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: but you should let us know what you'd do in
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: the comments. As OP says, I would describe it as
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: neglect or extreme apathy. All around from both sides. When
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: we got pregnant, it felt like my dad thought I
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: was grown and all, but he didn't care what I
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: did anymore and stopped treating me like his son and
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: more like another guy. There have been things that they
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: have done over the years that have made us not
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: want to interact. And on my mom's side, there's probably
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: only a handful of times that we go over and
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: there aren't any issues. My wife and I had always
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: been on the same page as far as minimal contact
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: until now. Well, recently, my mom's side of the family's
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: grandma got sick. And since then, they wanted to say,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: let the past be the past and move forward, which
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: my wife and I do feel is dismissive to the
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: things that have happened before. We went there and actually
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: had a decent time for the most part, besides one
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: instance where my mom put my wife on the spot
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: in front of some friends. But we still left hopeful
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: that things could get better. On my dad's side, we
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: had a recent gathering that ended up in us trauma
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: dumping everything we had been feeling over the past 10 years.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: That sounds fun. I don't want to be there for that,
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: but that sounds fun.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: It was a very emotional time where I feel like
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: I had a real conversation with my father for the
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: first time. They acknowledged things for the first time. Some
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: things haven't changed in terms of them checking in on
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: us or seeing how we're doing or taking active involvement
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: in our lives. or their grandkids' lives. Biggest issue, I feel,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: is me. I have a non-confrontational personality, and it's what
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: has fueled most of these events to occur, because I
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: had not spoken up about them. After the last talk
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: with my dad's side, I feel like I do have
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: a voice and feel confident enough to say things that
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: bother me. Though I still want to do it on
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: my terms as they arise, I'd like to foster a
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: better relationship for the future. My wife, on the other hand,
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: does not feel that way and feels... Like I am
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: actively betraying her. She doesn't want to cultivate something in
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: the future because she feels like it's dismissing everything that
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: has happened previously. I don't feel that way, but I
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: understand how she feels. She feels like I am not
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: with her 100% on this, then that means I am
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: against her and the healing journey that she's been on.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: She said cut off my family or she is going
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: to leave permanently.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: What an insane ultimatum.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: That is now. But you're trying to mend things. You're
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: trying to find a middle ground. You're like, I'm just
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: finding my voice. Hey, Opie, you just found your new voice.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: I think you need to use it with your wife.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: Oh, I would like to move forward and mend relationships
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: with my family. But my wife doesn't and would rather
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: leave if I choose to do so. Any advice would
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: be appreciated. I understand that she's on her journey. Well, I,
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: but the thing is you, your journey involves reconciling with
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: your parents. So she can't be like, well, no, you
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: can't do that. Then that's denying you of your, um, uh,
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: your growth healing process.
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Of your growth, your healing process.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: Like all of that. And, you know, that's like saying
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: to her, like, oh, well, I don't like how you
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: are now. So you have to go back to the,
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: you know, how you were. Cause I don't like you
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: growing as a person without me. It's like you're both growing.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you're growing in different directions right now,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: but something's not adding up.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: I will say it's really hard because you guys were kids.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: You guys were 17 and you guys grew up real
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: fast in life came at you guys real fast yeah
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: and you are trying to mend those years that you
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: had relationship with that relationship with your family she may
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: be inclined to just like i'm done with them because
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: that's her personality now she's like i don't owe anyone
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: anything they don't owe me anything done like i don't
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: need anything just wipe my hands clean two different perspectives.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: I will say I, I'm very different than who I
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: was when I was 17. I'm pretty sure everyone in
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: the chat, everyone in the world can agree that, you know,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: I'm what, I'm 11 years older now.
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: That's crazy.
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: I'm 13 years older now. I'm still the same guy,
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: to be honest.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: See, I, I like grew up. I always, I mean,
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: not always, but I, but I'm very different from when
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: I was in high school. Not that I was completely different,
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: but like.
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: People change.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: People change. And your family could change for the better
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: or for the worse. But yeah, I don't see why
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: not give it a shot. And this is for you.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be for her, but at least
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: for you.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: She can't give you that ultimatum. That's insane.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: She's not even giving you a chance to find that
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: healing within you because she's like, nope, it's going to
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: throw me off my journey. Let me reconcile for my sake.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be a part of it if
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: you don't want, you know, that's your boundary. That's your boundary.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: She should be there to support you or at least
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: be there for you and help you.
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: There's an update.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: Hello, everyone. Just to let you know, I have been
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: reading every single painful comment and the majority echo exactly
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: what my wife's been saying and feeling.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: Dang. Dang.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: I have had many discussions with my wife, and a
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: lot of them I started with how I was feeling
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: about something. Not every time has been just because of
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: my wife. Even more reason to cut them out.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: I get it.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: Not justifying anything or trying to make yourself sound better.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: I'm just making it clear that the decision I am
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: making isn't just because I have been given this choice,
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: but because it's my own realization of something I should
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: have done long ago, not only for my wife, but
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: for myself and our unit. This was just the catalyst
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: for my own realization and could have come up at
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: any time due to the past experiences. But it just
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: happened to be today.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: Okay, I need to know. He's just giving us buildup.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: What is his decision?
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, let's get right to it.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: Because it seems like his wife was very cutthroat of like,
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: choose me or them.
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and he's like, I'm not sure.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: The reason I made this post was not because I
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: felt blindsided or that she was in the wrong for
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: feeling how she does. but because it was something I
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: myself had to come to terms with. It was a
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: long time coming and I am fortunate that she has
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: stuck with me all this time. I just needed to
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: mourn that parental relationship that will most likely never be.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: I have scheduled a therapy appointment and made the active
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: decision to distance my family. I also wanted to say
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: that I mention our childhoods not to blame my wife's
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: childhood or anything, but to just give context to the
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: different mindsets and the personalities that we do have. I've
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: apologized to my wife for my passiveness all this time
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: and for now not being decisive on my feelings from
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: the jump on what she said alone.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: Dang, so he cut off his family.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: So, yeah.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: I mean, I get it. If they were like horrible,
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: you know, whatever types of people, I understand. But if
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: you wanted to reconcile with them, that's on you.
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: And she shouldn't.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, but I also get like if he doesn't
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: see it. Like if he's just in a constant pattern
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: of just like, oh, I grew up with this. This
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: is just how they are. Like just telling himself like
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: this is normal. This is family, whatever, blah, blah. But,
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: you know, and she's just like, no, it's not. OP,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: if you're not going to therapy, I would definitely suggest that.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: I don't think she has a right to do that.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: But if it is hurting you guys in your relationship
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: and both of you, you.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: Know, I mean, that was your family, but now this is...
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: That was your family growing up. This is your new
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: family now. This has been your new family for the
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: last 10 years. I mean, who knows what's going to
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: happen in the future? I feel like if you tell
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: them why, like, hey, you know what? We're deciding to
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: distance ourselves from you. But you just found this new
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: part of your life, your new chapter. You're like, oh,
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: I do have a voice. Oh, they do kind of
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: respect me. But, I mean, what's to say that they
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: go back to the old ways? Or what's to say
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: that they... Respect you now. Who knows?
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: Get some therapy for sure. But I don't know. We're
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: not professionals, unfortunately, on that part.
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: I have very mixed feelings about this.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: I do too.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: I'm kind of on both sides.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: I am too.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Because it just, I feel like we didn't get enough,
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: as much context as we did get. We didn't get
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: enough of like what truly happened between the family and
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: you two.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: I just hope OP doesn't regret it.
• 25:13
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: Or regret like, or like, not necessarily takes it out
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: on her, but like, oh, you forced me to do this.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: You gave me this ultimatum and obviously I'm going to
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: choose my core family now.
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: I wish you the best of luck, OP.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: I hope, you know, at least you can take care
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: of your core family and move on and hopefully use
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: that voice that you, that your newfound voice that you
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: found out that you had.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: I think definitely keep working on yourself and working together
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: as a unit, as you said. But I also think
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: like individual, maybe even couples therapy might help a little bit.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: I don't think it was fair for her to do that,
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: but Also, I don't know the situation.
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but it wasn't fair that his family kind of
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: just at 17, not necessarily, I'm not saying they abandoned,
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: we don't know. They didn't abandon him, but they just like,
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: you're an adult now.
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: Good luck.
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: But that's the end of that story.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: Hey, Keon here. We're going to get back to the stories,
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.
• 26:07
  Speaker 5: I treated my husband's family warmly, but they kept on
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: excluding my son.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: Dang, that's very cold. I, 35, female, am in a.
• 26:16
  Speaker 5: Loving, blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me.
• 26:21
  Speaker 4: I have a wonderful 10-year-old son.
• 26:23
  Speaker 5: My current husband, 32 male, lost his first wife four
• 26:26
  Speaker 5: years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We've built a
• 26:29
  Speaker 5: beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly
• 26:33
  Speaker 5: the same. I do the same with my stepson. And
• 26:35
  Speaker 5: the boys love each other like real brothers. We're genuinely
• 26:39
  Speaker 5: happy despite everything. The problem is my husband's ex-in-laws. He
• 26:44
  Speaker 5: is late wife's parents. They constantly bad mouth me and
• 26:47
  Speaker 5: paint me as the evil stepmom. Feeding every nasty stereotype
• 26:52
  Speaker 5: that I'm mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, blah, blah, blah, blah,
• 26:55
  Speaker 5: blah to my husband's parents and anyone who will listen.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: Probably like they think OP also is the one who
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: deleted the original wife.
• 27:04
  Speaker 4: OP called the Etsy witches.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 27:06
  Speaker 5: For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they
• 27:09
  Speaker 5: said things like stepmoms can never be real.
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: Why would she even care about him?
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: What the f- What?
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: The stepmoms aren't real. They can't hurt you.
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: Show me someone who's watched Cinderella way too many times.
• 27:23
  Speaker 5: They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to
• 27:26
  Speaker 5: turn everyone against me. By the way, this comes from StunningFactor871.
• 27:30
  Speaker 5: If you want to submit your own stories, you know
• 27:31
  Speaker 5: where to go.
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: I'm Dakota.
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: I'm Keon.
• 27:33
  Speaker 5: We are going to read this story and have our thoughts.
• 27:35
  Speaker 5: You can have yours in the comments because we only
• 27:37
  Speaker 5: know what we know. So let us know what you know.
• 27:39
  Speaker 5: And OP says, Every time they.
• 27:42
  Speaker 4: Visit, they completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.
• 27:47
  Speaker 5: They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets, only for their
• 27:51
  Speaker 5: biological grandson. When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with
• 27:56
  Speaker 5: my son, as he always does, they get visibly annoyed,
• 28:00
  Speaker 5: say things like, Why are you sharing with him?
• 28:02
  Speaker 4: That's for you only.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: Oh my god.
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: And even try to pull him away?
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: We leave.
• 28:07
  Speaker 4: We leave.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: I'm leaving.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: Everyone, thank you for your gifts. We're out.
• 28:11
  Speaker 4: Yeah, what are these? These are like the Dursleys from
• 28:14
  Speaker 4: Harry Potter.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what is going on?
• 28:16
  Speaker 5: My husband has been solid and always says other people's
• 28:19
  Speaker 5: opinions don't matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary
• 28:22
  Speaker 5: earlier by announcing on my stepson's birthday, if you are family,
• 28:26
  Speaker 5: then you are family to both kids. If that's not possible,
• 28:29
  Speaker 5: you are not family and not invited. I stopped him
• 28:33
  Speaker 5: because I thought a nice talk would work. I like
• 28:36
  Speaker 5: his idea better. I've been holding my husband back from
• 28:40
  Speaker 5: taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws
• 28:44
  Speaker 5: as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the
• 28:48
  Speaker 5: memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.
• 28:51
  Speaker 5: On my stepson's birthday last year, his side of the
• 28:54
  Speaker 5: family showed up.
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: With gifts and love.
• 28:57
  Speaker 5: On my son's birthday, almost no one came, and the
• 29:00
  Speaker 5: few who did showed up empty-handed.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: They need to learn. They don't need to be in
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: our lives. This is insane. It's one thing. It's still
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: insane if they treated Opie like this, to treat Opie
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: like this. But a child.
• 29:18
  Speaker 4: Like, what's going on?
• 29:19
  Speaker 5: Is your kid, like, left-handed and they're, like, super traditional, like, Christians?
• 29:23
  Speaker 4: Like, they're like, he's the devil?
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: They're just not. They're not of blood.
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: That's why.
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: So stupid.
• 29:31
  Speaker 5: Gifts aren't important to us as adults, but to a child,
• 29:34
  Speaker 5: it feels like rejection and being left out. My son
• 29:38
  Speaker 5: was sad and has started to me painful questions because
• 29:42
  Speaker 5: of this exclusion, like why they don't like him or
• 29:45
  Speaker 5: what he did.
• 29:45
  Speaker 4: Wrong, which breaks my heart.
• 29:48
  Speaker 5: I have zero family on my side, so he doesn't
• 29:51
  Speaker 5: have that extended network.
• 29:53
  Speaker 4: His birthday is coming up soon, and I'm dreading it.
• 29:56
  Speaker 5: I'd even be happy to buy gifts myself that they
• 29:59
  Speaker 5: could give him if that makes it easier. I just
• 30:02
  Speaker 5: don't want him to feel left out again. Recently, after
• 30:05
  Speaker 5: they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or.
• 30:07
  Speaker 4: Play with the shared toys.
• 30:09
  Speaker 5: He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it
• 30:12
  Speaker 5: all to me.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: That's, I feel bad. Now I'm, now I feel really bad, OP.
• 30:18
  Speaker 5: Yeah, now see, this is why I'm like, you should
• 30:20
  Speaker 5: have just let husband cook. You should have let husband go.
• 30:23
  Speaker 5: You're either family to both of these kids or you're
• 30:26
  Speaker 5: family to none of them.
• 30:27
  Speaker 4: That's your decision.
• 30:29
  Speaker 5: You will not be invited in the future if you
• 30:31
  Speaker 5: don't learn how to respect a 10-year-old child.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: We gave them their one chance that the son had experienced.
• 30:39
  Speaker 5: I'm completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more.
• 30:42
  Speaker 4: That's natural. But the open hostility, the exclusion of my son,
• 30:46
  Speaker 4: and the.
• 30:46
  Speaker 5: Constant comments are painful. And there's an edit here. I
• 30:50
  Speaker 5: finally stopped holding my husband back. Thank God. He's now
• 30:54
  Speaker 5: taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his
• 30:57
  Speaker 5: side of the family. Either they are family to both
• 31:00
  Speaker 5: or family to none.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: Great.
• 31:02
  Speaker 5: Am I the a-hole for supporting this hard line now
• 31:04
  Speaker 5: after previously trying to keep the peace? Or should I
• 31:06
  Speaker 5: still be trying to make nice for the sake of
• 31:08
  Speaker 5: family and my husband's late wife's memory? I just want
• 31:11
  Speaker 5: my son to feel included and loved on his birthday
• 31:14
  Speaker 5: instead of rejected again.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: Girl, she's gone.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: Sorry.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: She's gone, and you are not to be blamed for this. Yeah.
• 31:21
  Speaker 5: There's only one person being severely negatively impacted by this,
• 31:26
  Speaker 5: and it's your child.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: I was going to say, I'll give you a guess.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: You get two. Then don't even set him up for
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: the failure. You're setting him up for failure by giving
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: him the idea of they will come or they might come.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: or your brother gets it, you'll get it too. You
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: just let him witness all of that, and now he's
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: going to feel bad. You just traumatized your child.
• 31:48
  Speaker 4: Well, I mean, to be fair, it's the rest of
• 31:49
  Speaker 4: the family.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: But yes, but I think OP's way of like, we
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: can do this the easy way first and see if
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: it works out. Talking it through. To the people who
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: are blatantly disrespecting OP and the child, you think the
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: people who are disrespecting a child straight to his face
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: are going to go, you know what? Their words did
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: make sense.
• 32:09
  Speaker 5: Comment one, I kind of understand why the late wife's
• 32:12
  Speaker 5: parents are more interested in their bio grandson, but doesn't
• 32:14
  Speaker 5: your son have two sets of grandparents as well? OP says,
• 32:17
  Speaker 5: unfortunately not. There's this thing called passing away. My parents
• 32:21
  Speaker 5: did that. And I don't have any contact with my
• 32:24
  Speaker 5: husband's family. Update nine days later. My husband's parents came
• 32:28
  Speaker 5: over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about
• 32:31
  Speaker 5: the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had
• 32:34
  Speaker 5: finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe
• 32:37
  Speaker 5: everything his ex-in-laws say about me. They responded that they've
• 32:42
  Speaker 5: seen everything with their own eyes and listed their issues
• 32:45
  Speaker 5: with me. That I'm too harsh and casual when talking
• 32:49
  Speaker 5: about his mother's passing, for example, saying she passed away
• 32:53
  Speaker 5: or she is passed away instead of using softer words.
• 32:58
  Speaker 5: That I'm careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.
• 33:02
  Speaker 5: And that I'm trying to erase his mother's memory.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. Get yourself therapy. Y'all have been taking
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: that out on OP and her son. Crazy.
• 33:13
  Speaker 5: They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat.
• 33:16
  Speaker 5: My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no
• 33:20
  Speaker 5: because he felt it would be cruel to bring a
• 33:21
  Speaker 5: pet home when we can't give it proper care and attention.
• 33:24
  Speaker 5: His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway.
• 33:27
  Speaker 5: I didn't even know there was any argument between him
• 33:29
  Speaker 5: and his parents over this. I only knew that he
• 33:33
  Speaker 5: told my stepson no when he asked. Now they're claiming
• 33:37
  Speaker 5: I manipulated him into refusing. My husband defended me and
• 33:41
  Speaker 5: explained that our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and
• 33:45
  Speaker 5: straightforward about his mother's passing so my stepson can learn
• 33:50
  Speaker 5: the permanence of it at his age.
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: Maybe they should do that for his ex-in-laws too.
• 33:56
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 33:58
  Speaker 5: That's why I use clear wording, not just about his mom,
• 34:00
  Speaker 5: but even when referring to my own past relatives. He
• 34:04
  Speaker 5: also said that when he was a child, he got
• 34:06
  Speaker 5: injured often, including breaking his arm once, but that didn't
• 34:09
  Speaker 5: mean his mother was careless.
• 34:11
  Speaker 4: He asked them, do you think I'm stupid or blind?
• 34:14
  Speaker 4: If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don't you
• 34:17
  Speaker 4: think I would notice? The conversation turned into a big argument,
• 34:21
  Speaker 4: especially over the cat issue.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: What?
• 34:24
  Speaker 4: It's a cat. Get the cat. It is, it almost
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: takes care of itself.
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: No, don't get the cat because you're succumbing to the in-laws,
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: the ex-in-laws.
• 34:34
  Speaker 4: Yeah, but I like cats.
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: You know what I say? Cats are cool. But you
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: know what I say?
• 34:38
  Speaker 5: No.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: We're getting a dog.
• 34:40
  Speaker 4: We're getting a ferret.
• 34:41
  Speaker 5: There are some more comments here. OP is clarifying who's bad-mouthing.
• 34:46
  Speaker 5: OP says, my husband's ex-in-laws bad-mouthed me to all the
• 34:50
  Speaker 5: relatives from my husband's side, including my husband's parents. So
• 34:53
  Speaker 5: the ultimatum my husband gave was for all of them.
• 34:57
  Speaker 5: And my husband's parents came to talk about it.
• 34:59
  Speaker 4: And then this happened.
• 35:01
  Speaker 5: Another commenter says, you still haven't told us when you
• 35:03
  Speaker 5: met your husband, when you started dating and when you
• 35:05
  Speaker 5: got married.
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: We said, no, I met him two and a half
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: years ago.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: No.
• 35:10
  Speaker 5: Also, like any of that justifies any of the behavior
• 35:15
  Speaker 5: coming from his family.
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Clear as day.
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: No.
• 35:19
  Speaker 4: Like that.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: Oh, well.
• 35:21
  Speaker 5: Because you started dating too early, his entire family actually
• 35:25
  Speaker 5: has the right to, you know, make your life's son terrible.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: Because he moved on. Because that's what his wife would want,
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: his ex-wife would want.
• 35:33
  Speaker 4: Update two.
• 35:34
  Speaker 5: Almost two weeks later, my son turned 11 yesterday. It
• 35:38
  Speaker 5: was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.
• 35:41
  Speaker 5: Most of the relatives we invited from my husband's side
• 35:44
  Speaker 5: actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because
• 35:47
  Speaker 5: they didn't want to upset my husband after the ultimatum.
• 35:50
  Speaker 5: They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but
• 35:52
  Speaker 5: the vibe was very, we're here to keep the peace
• 35:55
  Speaker 5: rather than genuine warmth.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: Imagine bringing gifts for both boys when it's clearly your
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: son's birthday.
• 36:03
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's weird. That's just like automatically, what the hell
• 36:07
  Speaker 4: is wrong with you people?
• 36:08
  Speaker 5: Most of them kept interactions with my son's short surface
• 36:11
  Speaker 5: level while being more natural with my stepson. We also
• 36:15
  Speaker 5: invited my husband's ex-in-laws, but they didn't show up at all,
• 36:18
  Speaker 5: which we expected. After cake and presents, my husband pulled
• 36:22
  Speaker 5: his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the
• 36:25
  Speaker 5: therapist's advice about using direct words. So our stepson can
• 36:29
  Speaker 5: properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us
• 36:32
  Speaker 5: for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it
• 36:35
  Speaker 5: made sense and said they'd think about coming. Before everyone left,
• 36:39
  Speaker 5: my husband and I thanked them all for showing up.
• 36:42
  Speaker 5: We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to
• 36:45
  Speaker 5: us that they came and.
• 36:46
  Speaker 4: Were there for both boys. I'm happy they showed up.
• 36:51
  Speaker 5: I completely understand that my son and my stepson are
• 36:53
  Speaker 5: not the same for them.
• 36:55
  Speaker 4: And I know they'll always love their bio-grandson more. That's natural.
• 36:59
  Speaker 5: I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son.
• 37:04
  Speaker 5: And yesterday was a step in the right direction. My
• 37:06
  Speaker 5: son had a decent day. He was happy about his
• 37:08
  Speaker 5: gifts and that so many people came this year. He
• 37:11
  Speaker 5: wasn't ignored or left out like before and he didn't
• 37:14
  Speaker 5: ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in
• 37:17
  Speaker 5: how people acted towards him, but he still went to
• 37:20
  Speaker 5: bed smiling. I have to say, my husband has been
• 37:23
  Speaker 5: absolutely amazing through all of this. He has stayed strong,
• 37:26
  Speaker 5: protected both boys, and held that boundary and made sure
• 37:29
  Speaker 5: our son still felt celebrated. It feels like a lot
• 37:32
  Speaker 5: of this is damage control on their part, but at
• 37:34
  Speaker 5: least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We're
• 37:37
  Speaker 5: keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where
• 37:41
  Speaker 5: we can get it.
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: Right into it. Okay, this is better than... We're moving
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: in a positive note. The fact that your son was like, yeah,
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: this is pretty good. I enjoyed that one. Where it
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: was just a bare minimum.
• 37:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: Insane. But, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day.
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: Take victories like this, if you could call this a victory.
• 38:01
  Speaker 5: My biggest thing is why the beef with the son?
• 38:05
  Speaker 5: All those people were like, oh, well, you did this
• 38:08
  Speaker 5: and you did that and you're trying to do this.
• 38:10
  Speaker 5: Why would you then take that out on my son?
• 38:12
  Speaker 5: My son did nothing. What is wrong with you people?
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: My boy.
• 38:16
  Speaker 4: There's a third update. 12 days later, birthday celebrations.
• 38:21
  Speaker 5: A lot of people asked why my post focused on
• 38:23
  Speaker 5: relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family,
• 38:26
  Speaker 5: birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the
• 38:29
  Speaker 5: child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives.
• 38:32
  Speaker 5: Then the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate
• 38:35
  Speaker 5: celebration with their friends.
• 38:37
  Speaker 4: That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and
• 38:39
  Speaker 4: they genuinely enjoy it. Yeah, having two birthdays, that sounds sick.
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, who doesn't enjoy more party for me?
• 38:44
  Speaker 4: My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well.
• 38:47
  Speaker 5: It just wasn't relevant to my previous post because all
• 38:49
  Speaker 5: of the issues happened during the family celebration. Our relationship timeline,
• 38:53
  Speaker 5: quite a few people also wondered how long after my
• 38:55
  Speaker 5: husband's first wife passed away that we had met.
• 38:58
  Speaker 4: She had passed about one year and five months before
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: we met.
• 39:01
  Speaker 5: We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've
• 39:04
  Speaker 5: now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our
• 39:07
  Speaker 5: relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.
• 39:12
  Speaker 4: Now for the update.
• 39:13
  Speaker 5: After my son's birthday, my husband's parents came with us
• 39:15
  Speaker 5: to one of our therapy sessions. I honestly expected it
• 39:18
  Speaker 5: to turn into another argument, but it didn't.
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 39:21
  Speaker 5: Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we
• 39:24
  Speaker 5: use direct words when talking to my stepson instead of
• 39:28
  Speaker 5: softer phrases like passed away. she explained that children his
• 39:31
  Speaker 5: age understand permanence much better when adults use clear direct
• 39:36
  Speaker 5: language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing she also
• 39:40
  Speaker 5: explained something that I hadn't really thought about before because
• 39:44
  Speaker 5: my stepson lost his mother so young everyone around him
• 39:47
  Speaker 5: naturally wanted to protect him from more pain Between us,
• 39:50
  Speaker 5: my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot
• 39:53
  Speaker 5: of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened.
• 39:56
  Speaker 4: The therapist said that while those.
• 39:57
  Speaker 5: Intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct
• 40:00
  Speaker 5: conversations about death can make it harder for them to
• 40:05
  Speaker 5: fully understand that it's permanent. That was one of the
• 40:08
  Speaker 5: reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer
• 40:11
  Speaker 5: his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that
• 40:15
  Speaker 5: helping a child understand the permanence of passing isn't cruel,
• 40:17
  Speaker 5: it's actually an important part of healthy grieving. She also
• 40:21
  Speaker 5: made it clear that this wasn't something I decided by myself.
• 40:25
  Speaker 5: It was advice we were given in therapy and had
• 40:27
  Speaker 5: been following consistently. My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that.
• 40:31
  Speaker 5: They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive. My
• 40:35
  Speaker 5: husband then told his parents something that I think needed
• 40:37
  Speaker 5: to be said. He told them that if they ever
• 40:40
  Speaker 5: have concerns about our younger child or about any parenting
• 40:43
  Speaker 5: decisions we make, we want them to come directly to
• 40:46
  Speaker 5: us instead of making assumptions. He said he'd much rather
• 40:49
  Speaker 5: have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the
• 40:52
  Speaker 5: blanks or believing someone else's version of events.
• 40:56
  Speaker 4: We're coming up on the end here.
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: What a lame excuse. We thought you were just being insensitive.
• 41:01
  Speaker 4: And also it's like, you know, I mean.
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: Wow, this makes a lot of sense.
• 41:05
  Speaker 4: All this is dumb.
• 41:06
  Speaker 5: Again, it just goes, why are you, then why is
• 41:08
  Speaker 5: my son the one being punished? Why is my son
• 41:11
  Speaker 5: the one being excluded? Why is my son the one
• 41:13
  Speaker 5: being hurt? None of that makes any sense. You're sad,
• 41:17
  Speaker 5: bitter people.
• 41:19
  Speaker 4: I need groveling. I need people on their knees. I need,
• 41:22
  Speaker 4: I need, I need people in a deep bow.
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: I think it's, I think husband's like, you know what?
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: If it's just so like out of line or like
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: one thing is just out of line, cut him off.
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: And I feel like he made that abundantly clear.
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: Good on your husband.
• 41:39
  Speaker 5: You know, brush up on the acting skills, guys, because
• 41:42
  Speaker 5: you're acting like robots, even though you showed up.
• 41:45
  Speaker 4: Just treat my kid like he's a kid that you like.
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: It's not hard. Also, he's being a brat, which he's not.
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's the one thing we haven't seen is, does
• 41:54
  Speaker 4: your kid suck?
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: No.
• 41:55
  Speaker 4: Which, it doesn't sound like it.
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: Let's be real.
• 41:57
  Speaker 5: It doesn't sound like it because he took the chocolates
• 42:00
  Speaker 5: out of his pocket and said.
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: Here, you can have these back.
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: Oh, man, it's all melted.
• 42:07
  Speaker 4: Oh, it was awkward at times. There were quiet moments
• 42:11
  Speaker 4: after the session. They thanked us and left. No big
• 42:14
  Speaker 4: emotional talk.
• 42:15
  Speaker 5: The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective
• 42:18
  Speaker 5: a little better than before. Since then, we've noticed small
• 42:21
  Speaker 5: but meaningful changes. I'm glad they came. It feels like
• 42:24
  Speaker 5: a small step, not a big change. We're not expecting
• 42:27
  Speaker 5: miracles here. And that is the end of that story.
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: Well, that Is on a positive note. It's little by little,
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: which we'll take, rather than going backwards. I'm glad that
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: they are learning and understanding, but hopefully maybe get to
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: the point where it's just like, okay, this is normal now.
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: We're normal. Your kids are going to.
• 42:52
  Speaker 4: Grow up really cool.
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: That's my thought.
• 42:54
  Speaker 4: They're going to be really cool.
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: I just hope the one that does get favored... Does
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: he become like a golden child or like?
• 43:00
  Speaker 5: I don't think he will. He shares all his stuff.
• 43:03
  Speaker 5: He's like, yeah, I'm going to give him the stuff.
• 43:04
  Speaker 5: They have to like pull him away to keep it
• 43:06
  Speaker 5: from sharing.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, good on him to know like that's wrong. Like
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: this is wrong. I'm 10 years old and this is wrong.
• 43:13
  Speaker 5: It's pretty early to realize that adults can be dead
• 43:17
  Speaker 5: wrong about stuff.
• 43:19
  Speaker 4: But yeah, I remember when that hit me. I was like, wait,
• 43:22
  Speaker 4: just because they're old, they're not always right?
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: Every damn day. That is the end of that story.
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: My wife called me a cheapskate every time I asked
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: her to pay her fair share.
• 43:34
  Speaker 3: I'm just trying to be fair here.
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: My wife, 31 female, and I, 32 male, dated for
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: five years and have been married for about three.
• 43:43
  Speaker 3: About me.
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: I come from a family of four siblings and my
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: parents are upper middle class. My dad worked and my
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: mom took care of the household. I lived at home
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: during college. They paid for about half of my tuition
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: and I was able to get scholarships and student loans, 25K,
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: to cover the rest. Oh, about her. She is an
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: only child, and her parents are upper, upper middle class.
• 44:04
  Speaker 3: Ooh, they're a second upper.
• 44:05
  Speaker 4: Double upper.
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: It's like a double double. Ooh.
• 44:08
  Speaker 3: They double upped her. They probably have never had a
• 44:10
  Speaker 3: double double.
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: Dang.
• 44:12
  Speaker 3: They probably only buy the fanciest burgers in town.
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: Animal style.
• 44:15
  Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: Both her parents work, but they.
• 44:17
  Speaker 3: Don't live lavishly.
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: They paid for all of her living expenses and tuition
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: while in college, and she was able to use her parents'
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: credit card for a bit. out of college.
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: Dang, that's lavish to me. That's upper upper. That's upper upper,
• 44:30
  Speaker 3: I'll tell you. If I've ever heard of an upper upper,
• 44:32
  Speaker 3: it's that.
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: They give her large financial gifts each year for her
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: to invest or do whatever she wants, and she has
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: never done anything irresponsible with them. It does stay in
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: her account, and I never see or ask about it.
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: Neither of us ever struggled financially in the time that
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: we have known each other. We are both pretty frugal
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: and always had more than enough money left over at
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: the end of the day. We make similar incomes, but
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: I have typically made 10 to 20% more. We have
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: separate accounts, and it works for us, as we aren't
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: fighting about how much each of us spends. By the way,
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: this comes from Throwaway Cheapskate, and if you want to
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: submit your own stories, go to r slash ok story
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: time subreddit.
• 45:09
  Speaker 3: I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia.
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: I'm Keon.
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: And we are here to talk about some stuff, give
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: some advice, but we don't have all of your answers.
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: We are only going to tell you what we would do.
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: And as Opie says, over the course of our relationship,
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: I believe we've generally been fair with each other and
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: never kept too much track of who owes who what.
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: She would pay for groceries, I would pay utilities. I
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: would pay rent for a few months, then she would
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: pay for a few months. I've never felt like either
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: of us has paid way too much or way too little,
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: and it's a good balance.
• 45:39
  Speaker 3: So what's the issue here? Sounds great. Sounds like we're
• 45:43
  Speaker 3: living in a utopia.
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 45:45
  Speaker 3: Where everyone's upper, upper class.
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: For a while, she would jokingly call me a cheapskate
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: whenever I thought something was not worth the money and
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: found more value in something else less expensive. I would
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: laugh it off because it might have been a valid
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: dig at me, as I live a pretty simple life
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: and don't really want many materialistic goods. This has started
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: to evolve, and she would use the term whenever I
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: asked her to pay for or buy something. The most
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: recent example is that she accidentally broke something fairly expensive
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: in her house, and I asked her to replace it.
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: She procrastinated for months, and each time I reminded her
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: to take care of it, she would call me a cheapskate. That's...
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like she's using that term. Yeah.
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: No, that's not, that's just, that's just asking you to like,
• 46:27
  Speaker 3: like you broke it. Something for the house.
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 46:29
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't even like consider that like a, a thing of, Oh,
• 46:33
  Speaker 3: you need to buy it because you broke it. It's,
• 46:36
  Speaker 3: it feels more like, Hey, can you get us ever? Like,
• 46:39
  Speaker 3: can you do that work?
• 46:40
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 46:40
  Speaker 3: It feels more like the focus is on, Hey, just
• 46:42
  Speaker 3: like do the work because you broke it.
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: Can you replace it?
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: But also what did they break? Like a lamp. If
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: it was like a lamp or like, cause it, It's
• 46:51
  Speaker 2: taking her months to replace it.
• 46:53
  Speaker 3: Well, I don't know. I've been there.
• 46:57
  Speaker 4: Been there.
• 46:57
  Speaker 3: I had a broken organizer thing for three years. Just
• 47:02
  Speaker 3: got it.
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: New one.
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: Finally, I ended up paying for the replacement. And when
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: I asked her to pay me back, she refused and
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: called me a cheapskate each time I asked. Now it
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: is starting to bother me, but it's not about the
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: money as we both have enough. I don't care if
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: she ever gives me money for it, but what bugs me.
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: is her not taking responsibility for her actions and having
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: the audacity to call me a cheapskate after I paid
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: for the replacement of something she broke.
• 47:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what I don't get. Again, it doesn't feel
• 47:28
  Speaker 3: like OP really cares about the money. He's just like,
• 47:30
  Speaker 3: you need to do the work for something that you broke. Yeah,
• 47:33
  Speaker 3: I just, if I broke something immediately, I'm like, oh
• 47:35
  Speaker 3: my God, I'll pay for it. Yeah, exactly.
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: That's just in my brain. It's like, well, yeah, I
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: did it. Unless it's like super, super expensive. I'd be like, okay,
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: well I can finance it. I'll try. Give me like,
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: can I do back order?
• 47:48
  Speaker 3: It's just like if you promise to do something, do it. Yes.
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: And now it's been months.
• 47:53
  Speaker 3: And now it's been months and he did it. And
• 47:55
  Speaker 3: guess what? Still not there.
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: And now we have a problem. It's not even logical.
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: I just want an equal partnership with her. I had
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: a discussion with her about how I didn't like her
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: using the word the way she was using it now
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: and asked her to stop. I told her it made
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: me feel bad and unappreciated and explained all of the
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: expenses that I am taking care of for both of
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: us and never asking her to pay anything. Including home insurance,
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: car insurance, health insurance, HSA contributions, water, electricity, heating, internet,
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: property taxes, and home repairs. Sounds like you're living an
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: upper upper life.
• 48:27
  Speaker 3: It sounds like he's doing a lot here. Yeah.
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: She didn't seem to take the conversation seriously because she
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: continued to use the word days later. I decided to
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: make a spreadsheet of our financial situation to drive the
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: point home. When I was done, we sat down together
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: and went through the numbers. I showed her that I
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: only had a few hundred dollars left each month after
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: all the bills were paid, whereas she was left with
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: a couple thousand. I told her that I would like
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: us to split the shared expenses equally roughly. roughly $ 12, 000
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: plus any future home repairs yearly. She became saddened and
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: teary-eyed with the idea and said, I must not love her.
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: Aw.
• 49:03
  Speaker 3: Come on.
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: I would like you to buy my love now. Buy? Oh,
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: you must not love me.
• 49:09
  Speaker 3: My love equates to a very specific monetary amount.
• 49:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she's pulling that card. Oh, you don't love me.
• 49:15
  Speaker 3: You don't love me unless you pay $ 10, 000 every month.
• 49:17
  Speaker 3: That's it. is the price of my love.
• 49:21
  Speaker 2: Then you up it, Opie. You don't love me.
• 49:23
  Speaker 3: She uppers her money.
• 49:25
  Speaker 4: She ups it.
• 49:27
  Speaker 3: She goes, and there's also interest. If you want me
• 49:29
  Speaker 3: to love you more.
• 49:31
  Speaker 2: I need double the interest. Interest in me and interest
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: in the money.
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: Finance my love.
• 49:34
  Speaker 3: 10 bucks a hug.
• 49:36
  Speaker 4: Aw.
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: 20 bucks a kiss. Ooh.
• 49:39
  Speaker 3: And you know what? Inflation, man. I would just be deprived.
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: Inflation, man. brought up that she paid a larger percentage
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: of our house and if I want her to pay half,
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: I should balance that out. One statement she made was
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: that her dad pays for everything and her mom never
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: had to pay for anything even though she works and
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: that my dad pays for everything for my mom as well. Well,
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: that's not how we're doing it, buckaroo. So many people
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: get stuck in that mindset. Yeah, my brother's like that too. Well,
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: my parents did it.
• 50:04
  Speaker 3: This is why.
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 50:05
  Speaker 3: My brother's like that.
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: My brother will not let my sister-in-law go back to
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: work because he was like, you have to take care
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: of the kids.
• 50:10
  Speaker 3: Oh, they should. And yeah.
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: And she's like, I feel like this is like my job.
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: And but she's not like getting out and doing what
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: she wants and stuff. And I'm like, she should.
• 50:20
  Speaker 4: Do it anyway.
• 50:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, she wants to do like substitute teaching. She should
• 50:23
  Speaker 3: do that. Yeah, she could be around the kids. I'm
• 50:25
  Speaker 3: going to talk to your brother-in-law. It's my actual brother.
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: Let me talk to your brother. Not in-law.
• 50:28
  Speaker 3: Let me talk to your brother. I thought you said brother-in-law.
• 50:30
  Speaker 3: My brother's really cool. Let me talk to your brother.
• 50:32
  Speaker 4: My brother.
• 50:32
  Speaker 3: You got some words. My brother's cool. I'm going to
• 50:34
  Speaker 3: give your sister a job. Cool man.
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: She thinks that asking for this is basically treating her
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: like a roommate, not a significant other. She was concerned
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: that if she ever has kids or stops working, then
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: I will just treat her poorly and ask her to
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: pay me back for everything. She also said that I
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: make more money than her, so I should be paying more,
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: and that paying 100% means I love her 100%. I
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: tried to address all her concerns and reassure her that
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: I am crazy. crazy about her and i love her
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: so much but she was still feeling down about the
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: situation i feel like she somehow made this about her
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: and not about me feeling unappreciated for taking care of
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: many of the household expenses and wanting an equal partner
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: is a 50 50 split really asking too much she
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: did pay more for the house but if we ever
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: split up i would ask for the same ratio again
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: i feel like i don't really care about the money
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: but maybe she would understand if she shared the responsibility
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: with me i don't mind paying more but i just
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: want to feel appreciated how can i move forward from
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: here and get her to understand that there's an update.
• 51:31
  Speaker 3: Well it seems like the issue isn't is 50 50
• 51:34
  Speaker 3: fair because she just wants 100 exactly.
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah so it's like it doesn't seem like you can
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: really reason with yeah because she's like well this is
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: how my family does it and so it's just Yeah.
• 51:45
  Speaker 3: It just feels like this is it. It's not like
• 51:47
  Speaker 3: she's saying, well, I make less, so it should be 60,
• 51:49
  Speaker 3: 40 or 70, 30. She's saying it should be 100.
• 51:52
  Speaker 3: She said, I make less, so you pay for everything. Yeah.
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: And if you don't, then you don't love me. Which
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: is very manipulative.
• 51:59
  Speaker 3: Very, very manipulative.
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: If anything, she's the cheapskate. Come on, baby.
• 52:04
  Speaker 3: Bring it back.
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 52:05
  Speaker 3: You just start turning on her. You go, oh, you
• 52:08
  Speaker 3: don't want to pay anything?
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Cheapskate. Literally. Yeah.
• 52:12
  Speaker 2: I would call her parents. Call your in-laws and be like, hey,
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: big question. Whenever she didn't get her way or didn't
• 52:17
  Speaker 2: get something, did she question your love? Oh. And whenever
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: she did that, you immediately bought her something?
• 52:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Were you bad parents?
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: Question. Hello there.
• 52:29
  Speaker 3: Question.
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: I know you're on the up and up.
• 52:32
  Speaker 3: Did you spoil her a little bit?
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 52:34
  Speaker 2: Are you a horrible parent?
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. There's an update 17 days later. I read through
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: all the comments and I appreciate the ones giving advice.
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: But to the ones trying to find holes and making
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: wild assumptions, slow your roll up for a bit. We
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: knew each other's financial situations before we got married and
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: have talked plenty about financial goals. I know everyone wanted
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: us to have a shared account already, but we can't
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: change the past. So all of this is based on
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: the reality of separate accounts. My wife and I discussed
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: the issue further. I explained that I didn't really want
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: her to pay half of the expenses. But I only
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: wanted to discuss and ask how I am actually being
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: a cheapskate. She admitted that she said some things she
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: didn't really mean in the heat of the moment. She
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: apologized for her name calling and we were able to
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: have a rational conversation. A lot of people jumped on
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: the 100% pay equals 100% love comment so I asked
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: her what she meant. And she took it back and
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: said she was wrong to say it. She has been
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: doing better about calling me names and I really haven't
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: heard it at all for the past year. I asked
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: if there was any deeper issues bothering her.
• 53:34
  Speaker 3: Thanks for the suggestion.
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: And she said that she would like some additional outings
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: or vacation with the vid. We really haven't done much
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: in the past two years. We agreed that we should
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: start getting out more or we have been trying out
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: one new restaurant each week. We took a vacation last
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: year and we were planning some more trips this year.
• 53:50
  Speaker 3: She also wanted more hugs.
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, $ 10. Oh, that's pricey.
• 53:54
  Speaker 3: I don't know if OP can afford that.
• 53:56
  Speaker 2: In this economy, yeah.
• 53:57
  Speaker 3: Not really in your budget. No.
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: I don't know if it's completely solved, but it is
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: getting better. And I do think, you know, him asking her, like,
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: how could we, like, figure this out? And her saying,
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: let's go out.
• 54:11
  Speaker 3: I love that he immediately followed up with, like, hey,
• 54:14
  Speaker 3: that was kind of whack. And then she's like, yeah,
• 54:16
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry. And then he's like, what's the real issue?
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: Right? Yeah.
• 54:20
  Speaker 3: And they dove in. deep yeah they dove down underneath yeah.
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: The upper upper had built up i've been having a
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: lot of like uh therapy sessions of like discovering like
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: things and i'm like whoa like going back to like
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: the core and i'm like oh i just have never
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: like dug dug dug dug dug dug dug and she's
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: like no no keep going and i'm like i don't
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: i don't really know and then i'm like i feel.
• 54:43
  Speaker 3: Like my problem is that i i know why i
• 54:46
  Speaker 3: am the way i am in many ways that's good
• 54:49
  Speaker 3: sometimes it doesn't help to.
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: Know why I know what the root of this is.
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, I know where it started. I know
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: where it started.
• 54:59
  Speaker 2: Where did it start?
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: I know where it went. Where it always does.
• 55:02
  Speaker 3: And I know where it's going.
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: It's on the up and up on the inside.
• 55:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: We discussed that having a shared account with a 55-45
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: contribution ratio would be fair and the remaining would go
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: to individual accounts. We still don't think it's for us
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: for various reasons, but we are still discussing it. And
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: eventually we realized if we have kids, it's going to
• 55:21
  Speaker 1: end up like that anyway. We sat down and went
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: through the budget together. We realized that I had made
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: a mistake and copied my own salary in her section.
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: So it looked like she had a bit more left over. Sorry, everyone.
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: She plugged in her numbers and we looked through it.
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: We decided that until we are comfortable with the shared account,
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: property taxes and home repairs would be split 55-45 and
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: I would continue covering everything else. We are happy and.
• 55:43
  Speaker 3: At peace with this resolution.
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: We still sit down each month to plug in our
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: expenses into our budget and see where we are at.
• 55:51
  Speaker 3: And that's the end.
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: Hey, it's Carly, Keon's girlfriend, here.
• 55:56
  Speaker 3: We're going to get back to the stories, but here's
• 55:58
  Speaker 3: three minutes of ads from our sponsors. My wife admitted
• 56:02
  Speaker 3: she wanted another man's attention more than mine, so I
• 56:05
  Speaker 3: demanded answers.
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: What's wrong with me?
• 56:08
  Speaker 3: After we had our kids, my wife, 35 female, gained
• 56:11
  Speaker 3: a lot of weight, like 80 pounds. And honestly, I,
• 56:14
  Speaker 3: 38 male, was fine with it. I thought she was
• 56:17
  Speaker 3: still hot, and my desire for intimacy never waned. So
• 56:20
  Speaker 3: for a while, she was fine with her weight too.
• 56:22
  Speaker 3: Fast forward five years, and all of a sudden, my
• 56:25
  Speaker 3: wife gets really into fitness and nutrition. She buys a Peloton,
• 56:29
  Speaker 3: goes on a strict diet, and loses all the weight
• 56:31
  Speaker 3: and then some. She looks like she did when I
• 56:33
  Speaker 3: met her in her early 20s. She looks great, but
• 56:36
  Speaker 3: like I said, I thought she looked great heavy too.
• 56:38
  Speaker 3: Then one day last week, she comes home from work,
• 56:40
  Speaker 3: and I can tell something is really bothering her. I
• 56:42
  Speaker 3: ask what's wrong, but she's just evasive and distant. This
• 56:45
  Speaker 3: lasts a few days before she finally breaks. She tells
• 56:49
  Speaker 3: me that the reason she was so determined to lose
• 56:51
  Speaker 3: weight was because she wanted attention from the guy at
• 56:56
  Speaker 3: work she has a crush on. She said that all
• 56:58
  Speaker 3: the women have a crush on this guy and she
• 57:00
  Speaker 3: just wanted his attention. By the way, this comes from
• 57:02
  Speaker 3: Throwaway Crushed Husband. And if you want to make your
• 57:05
  Speaker 3: own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit.
• 57:08
  Speaker 3: I'm Sophia. I'm Savannah.
• 57:10
  Speaker 2: I'm Keon.
• 57:11
  Speaker 3: And we just want your attention when we give advice.
• 57:15
  Speaker 3: So give it in the comments below.
• 57:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: Please.
• 57:20
  Speaker 3: Period.
• 57:21
  Speaker 2: There you go.
• 57:21
  Speaker 3: And Opie says, well, apparently she got too much of
• 57:24
  Speaker 3: it on the day she came home. So upset. He'd
• 57:27
  Speaker 3: apparently been flirting with my wife for a few weeks.
• 57:29
  Speaker 3: And that day he asked her if she wanted to
• 57:32
  Speaker 3: have dinner with him after work at a restaurant that
• 57:34
  Speaker 3: just so happens to be in a hotel. Oh no,
• 57:37
  Speaker 3: not the restaurant hotel combo.
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: Oh, you can't do that. He probably already has a
• 57:41
  Speaker 1: hotel rented. No, he's like, oh God, we might as
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: well just rent a room.
• 57:45
  Speaker 3: I'm so stuffed. I can't do anything. I've filled myself
• 57:47
  Speaker 3: with cheesecake.
• 57:48
  Speaker 2: I filled myself. We might as well lie down. I
• 57:50
  Speaker 2: filled myself. Might as well fill you too.
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, and she said, that's too far. I have a husband.
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: And she went, I'm so upset.
• 57:56
  Speaker 4: I need to call my husband.
• 57:58
  Speaker 3: He heavily implied that they could get a room afterward
• 58:01
  Speaker 3: or even skip the restaurant and just get room service.
• 58:05
  Speaker 4: That's crazy.
• 58:05
  Speaker 3: I feel like he heavily implied by saying that those
• 58:08
  Speaker 3: exact words. Yeah, he heavily implied, hey, let's just rent
• 58:12
  Speaker 3: a hotel. Yeah, he said, can we rent a hotel?
• 58:15
  Speaker 3: The entire hotel just for you, baby. The whole thing.
• 58:17
  Speaker 3: She tells me that to this point, it was all
• 58:19
  Speaker 3: just fantasy in her head, but now it was real
• 58:21
  Speaker 3: and she snapped out of it. She realized that she'd
• 58:23
  Speaker 3: gone way too far. She declined his invitation, of course,
• 58:27
  Speaker 3: and felt she needed to confess what she'd done to me.
• 58:30
  Speaker 3: I was crushed and still am. First, I'm actually upset,
• 58:33
  Speaker 3: she told me. I know this is some form of cheating,
• 58:36
  Speaker 3: but I didn't suspect anything. She could have just kept
• 58:38
  Speaker 3: this to herself and not passed her burden on to me.
• 58:41
  Speaker 3: So the thought comes to my mind that maybe she
• 58:42
  Speaker 3: wants me to dump her so she can be with
• 58:44
  Speaker 3: this guy and that's why she's telling me. OP, let's
• 58:46
  Speaker 3: not jump to conclusions.
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: Hold on, don't assume.
• 58:49
  Speaker 3: So I ask her that and she breaks down crying.
• 58:51
  Speaker 3: That's not what she wants. And says she loves me
• 58:53
  Speaker 3: and just wanted to be honest with me and apologize.
• 58:56
  Speaker 3: Nothing physical happened. I'm pretty sure of it. I can
• 58:58
  Speaker 3: track her phone and also have pretty free access to it.
• 59:01
  Speaker 3: She never hides it, leaves it everywhere, and that phone
• 59:03
  Speaker 3: never leaves work. I suppose she could be cheating on
• 59:06
  Speaker 3: her lunch break and leave the phone. But I just
• 59:08
  Speaker 3: don't think she'd leave the phone and... and not be
• 59:10
  Speaker 3: available for the kids. So I don't think I want
• 59:12
  Speaker 3: a divorce.
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, let's work through this first. I don't think it's
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: divorce worthy. Yeah. Yeah.
• 59:17
  Speaker 3: I love her and we have kids. But it's just
• 59:20
  Speaker 3: eating at me that she did all the work she
• 59:22
  Speaker 3: did to be attractive for another man. I don't know
• 59:25
  Speaker 3: where to go or even what to ask of her.
• 59:27
  Speaker 3: I just need some advice. Therapy probably would be the
• 59:29
  Speaker 3: first step here.
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: For sure. I think individual and couples.
• 59:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Emma. Emma Wilkins says it's emotional cheating at least.
• 59:37
  Speaker 3: I honestly and I would love your thought on this.
• 59:39
  Speaker 3: I feel like it's a step before that because it
• 59:42
  Speaker 3: wasn't mutual until he asked her out. And then she
• 59:45
  Speaker 3: was like, well, unless she was flirting, which it doesn't
• 59:47
  Speaker 3: feel like she said she was.
• 59:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we probably got the tip of the iceberg.
• 59:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 59:51
  Speaker 2: She was that she was trying to lose all that weight.
• 59:53
  Speaker 3: She was trying to attract him by working out and
• 59:56
  Speaker 3: looking good.
• 59:57
  Speaker 2: I think it was achieved.
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: So I would equivocate this to like when I used
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: to do yoga all the time, I was a yoga fanatic. Um, I,
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: every time I would go, it's not like I was
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: going there for myself. Yes, I was like, I was
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: paying the membership, whatever, blah, blah, blah. But I, I
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: had to be the best one in the class. So
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: like I would be competing the entire time. Sure. So
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: is it like, is it wrong of me to like
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: use this for, you know, like it's not cause yoga
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: is supposed to be freeing and very, you know, like,
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 1: like clearing chakras, whatever, and making sure your mind is free, whatever,
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: letting go, and relaxation, basically, like a reset. But for me,
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: it wasn't. I was like, oh, I'm better than these people,
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: and now I can prove it. When they would say,
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: good job, Savannah, in the class.
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 3: My week is made.
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 3: So it feels like that. It feels like somewhere in
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 3: that range. No, I'm not saying that it's not bad
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 3: because it is a problem and it is bad, but
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 3: it feels like a step at least to me below
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 3: emotional cheating.
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: I would agree with that. Yeah. I, It's like she's
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: thought about it, but then when it actually happened, she went, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 3: This is not good.
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 1: So it kind of was just like in her head.
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 3: It was a fantasy, which she said. It was, yeah.
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: It was a fantasy. But then when it started to
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: become a reality, that's when she pulled back, which was
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: the right decision.
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 2: I agree.
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 3: And that's why it is fixable.
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 1: Agreed.
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 3: Okay. I talked more with my wife after my first
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 3: post in an attempt to understand why she did what
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 3: she did. From what she tells me, every woman in
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 3: the office swoons over this guy. They all flirted with him,
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 3: my wife included, and he never flirted back. So she
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 3: did flirt with him. A few of the single ones
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 3: have basically thrown themselves at him, but still get nothing.
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 3: So my wife thinks to herself that when she was
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 3: younger and thinner, she could and did have guys that
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 3: look like him chase after her. So she wanted to
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 3: prove to herself that she still could get the attention
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 3: of a hot young guy if she wanted. To answer
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 3: a common question, yes, she was very heavily flirting with him,
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 3: but she says that he knew she was married, and
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 3: since she didn't plan on ever being with him alone,
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 3: it was harmless. Now that I think about it, she
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 3: was in a great mood in the few weeks prior
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 3: to her breaking down. She was kind of all over
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 3: me as well.
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 4: We hadn't had.
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 3: That much spicy sleep in years. She tells me that
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 3: it wasn't so much that guy at work heating her up,
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 3: but how his attention made her feel, which again, I
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 3: always have given her plenty of attention. Why that wasn't
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 3: enough to make her feel good about herself, I don't know.
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 3: And that's really what hurts me most. What I thought
• 1:02:21
  Speaker 3: of her didn't matter. She says what I thought did matter,
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 3: but she asked me if she walked past me on
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 3: the street at her heaviest, would I turn and look?
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 3: I don't do that with anyone, but I would still
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 3: have found her attractive. But I guess I see the
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 3: point she's making. When she was younger, she did get
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 3: a lot of head turns, and she got used to that.
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 3: She liked the attention, and when that all went away,
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 3: it made her depressed. In the end, I think we'll
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 3: be okay. I'll get over this, but as of now,
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 3: I'm not letting her know that. I told her she
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 3: needs to go to therapy and work on why she
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 3: needs this external validation from people she doesn't care about.
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: She agreed to do that. I'm kind of the same in, like,
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 1: stranger's validation. Well, it's very much a woman thing, too.
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: yeah because we're told that we need to look a
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 1: certain way for people yeah and that is not saying
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 1: that she hasn't done something wrong to be clear but
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: i do think it is something that we are told
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: yeah well it's like the same thing like i don't
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 1: like i don't know like so it'll be like my
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: sister says something and i'll be like yeah yeah whatever
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: but then a stranger says something i'm like oh yeah you're.
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 3: Right yeah it's like i don't know why i do
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 3: that well you don't like i think it's the idea
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 3: of My sister or my partner or something already loves me,
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 3: already sees underneath. But this stranger complimenting me has no
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 3: reason to tell me this compliment.
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 2: It's new. It's exciting. It's like, okay, I know this
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 2: person is attracted to me.
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I know this person actually means that compliment because
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 3: why else would they say it? Yeah, because my ex
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 3: would always get mad.
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: He's like, I told you that. Why didn't you just
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 1: go with, like, why didn't you say mine was.
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 4: A good idea?
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, well.
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 3: Well, I think that was, you've already said that was
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 3: a difference.
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 3: But yeah, I definitely think she needs to go to
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 3: therapy because this is absolutely an issue.
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: That you need to work on. Oh yeah, for sure.
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 3: And it's not... She needs to work on.
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: Her getting the validation from other people when... The only
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 1: person you really care about is your partner, you know,
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 1: at the end of the day.
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 3: Even then, it's not even she needs validation from her partner.
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 3: She needs to find it with inward. And I think
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 3: that's the issue is because he's giving her validation, but
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 3: it's not enough. But she didn't. Yeah.
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 3: So I think she needs to go that way and
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 3: figure out. Yeah. Like, why don't I feel compliments?
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 3: Of like, oh, yeah.
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 1: Like you say, like, oh, I love your bangs today.
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't really look great.
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 3: But I'm like, I will.
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean anything less, anything more, and that's all
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 1: it means.
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 3: Personally, I love when my boyfriend compliments me.
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 3: I feel great.
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: Oh, if a significant other compliments me, I'm like... say
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: less but uh keep going.
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 3: We've got a little bit left like i said in
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 3: my original post i don't think she did anything physical
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 3: with him we have lifestyle 360 and i see where
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 3: she goes and she goes straight from home to the
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 3: office and back every day she either brings lunch or
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 3: gets something delivered i just don't think that happened i
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 3: acted cold toward her for a few days may have
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 3: been a little cruel but i wanted her to sweat
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 3: a little and think i was questioning the relationship Selfishly,
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 3: I wanted to see her panic and try to win
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 3: me back. I felt I needed to see she cares
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 3: what I think of her. She was a mess bordering
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 3: on desperate. She cried a lot, which eventually broke me.
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 3: I love her and couldn't stand to see her sad.
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 3: I mean, but like she did. She did the thing
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 3: that was wrong. Yeah.
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 1: So like she should be sad.
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah. She messed up. So in short, she's going to
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 3: therapy and we will do couples counseling down the road.
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 3: Thanks for all the advice, everyone. That's great.
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: Perfect.
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it is something that you can come
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 3: back from. I think that we know now that we
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 3: know she was flirting.
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 4: I agree.
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 3: That's cheating.
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 3: And it's going to take a lot more work.
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 2: And that's the end of this story.