Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep3: Quick Laughs with Jim 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep3: Quick Laughs with Jim 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I've always talked about my weight and my standout, but in the past, after shows, if I ran into audience members, they'd be like, Jim, you're not that fat.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're not that fat.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: But now, after shows, people are like, good show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: You nailed it.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: I like to eat.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: I like to eat.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: When you know when you like to eat.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: What's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: You must know your way around the kitchen.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: I know where the food is.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: But you must love to cook.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I like to sleep, but doesn't mean I want to build a bed.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: The truth is, I don't like to do anything.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I order delivery, I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Or do I have to do everything?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I did lose some weight last summer.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I did, I did.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I have my appendix removed.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: It still counts.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what the appendix was, and since I'm an idiot, I just pretended like I did.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: The doctor was like, we have to remove your appendix.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, both of them?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Luckily he thought I was kidding.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, ha! I'm so grateful he didn't call me out.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it would have said.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like, there's only one appendix.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, ha! Appendix.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: I I thought you said lungs.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: To me, they sound similar because I'm dumb.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what the appendix was, but I don't feel that bad.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: The doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Science isn't even sure why the appendix exists.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I heard that and I was like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it, it's a mystery to everyone.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: But for some of us, it causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Just the mother.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: There's always one person that gets too into that joke.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, kill the mother.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Kill her and smear her blood on my face.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's strange science doesn't know what the appendix does.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: That means nobody knows.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: You never hear science doesn't know, but Earl has a theory.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Earl, when you were cleaning the toilet, you mumbled something.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: How is that an acceptable answer from the entire scientific community?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we don't know.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Well, back to cloning everything.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And they just removed the appendix.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's the solution.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Take it out! We don't know what it does.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I returned to my family and we immediately went on a hike.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it was great.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Alaska's beautiful.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: My kids were having fun.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was pretending like I enjoyed being outside.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then suddenly we saw a bear like 500 yards away, this huge brown bear, like way bigger than a gummy bear.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I was so excited because I watched nature shows, but I had never seen a bear in person.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: So it felt like a celebrity sighting.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh my god, I've watched you on Animal Planet.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: So much taller in person.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Can we do a selfie?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: But unlike a celebrity sighting, there was the risk of death.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like you never hear, we're in a restaurant, Tom Hanks walked in and then he came over and murdered my family.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: That never happens.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: But the bear was far away.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I took out my phone and I started taking pictures.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then suddenly the bear stood up, roared, and looked right at me.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Started creeping towards me, tilting his head back and forth, almost like he recognized me.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: That guy looks like Philip Superhoffman.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was terrified.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Luckily, we were with a tour guide, and I looked at him and he goes, Don't worry, I have bear spray.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Do you have anything stronger?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like a bear gun?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't think this bear's approaching to get his hair done.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: And the bear kept coming, kept coming.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: And then suddenly the tour guy goes, Okay, I want everyone to start walking backwards slowly.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Walk backwards slowly.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: I guess so the bear could catch up.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: So we started walking backwards slowly.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: By then the bear was in a full sprint.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: I had surgery 12 hours ago, so I smelled delicious.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was also sunburned, so I probably looked like a giant land salmon.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: The bear couldn't believe his luck.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not gonna have to eat for a month.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna be eaten by a bear! Which is ironic given how many animals I've eaten.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I started humming circle of life and continued walking backwards slowly.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: I should point out, it's not like we were walking backwards slowly to a car or a cabin.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: We were walking backwards slowly to nothing.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: It probably looked like we were teasing the bear, like, come and get it, Mr.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Bang.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're looking to get a little grizzly?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Craving a little 2XL, are you?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: And before you knew it, the bear was upon us and he killed us and we died.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Such a bloody mess.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: No, what really happened is at one point the tour guy pulled out this thing.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: It looked like a pen.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, great, he's gonna ask for the bear's autograph.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I learned later on it was a bear flare, and he squeezed it, and this tiny fireball went out towards the bear, and I was like, oh good, something to anger the bear.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: But the fireball bounced off the bear, the bear stopped, and then just ran the other way like it forgot something at home.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: And we all looked at each other like, oh my gosh, that just happened.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: That just happened.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a true story.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, most of that's true.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's all true, except there was no bear.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: No, there was a bear.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: I've identified there are two times when it's socially acceptable to lie.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: To spare someone's feelings, it's okay to lie.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's also okay to lie to cover up a murder.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Allow me to explain.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: When we discover someone's a murderer, we also learn they've done some fibbing.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: But we tend to focus on the murder part.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: You never hear, I'm angry he killed that guy, but frankly, I'm more upset about the lying.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's the dishonesty that bothers me.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Some trust has been broken.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of lying murderers, I watch a lot of Dateline.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to brag.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Some other winners out there.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: If you're unfamiliar or you have a life, Dateline is a news magazine show, like 60 minutes, but at one point, Dateline just went all in on murder.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it's usually spousal murder.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you watch Dateline, it appears most marriages end in murder.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Every episode starts the same.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: They had the perfect marriage.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, someone's getting killed.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: A husband, a wife.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they'll get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like you took a vow, do it yourself.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I was watching this one episode of Dateline about this guy who murdered his wife.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: It was gruesome.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was watching with my wife on our anniversary.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: My wife didn't care.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, she wasn't thrilled, I was taking notes.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: What are you writing down?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: This guy's just sloppy.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's like he's trying to get caught.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: If anything, this guy's plan was foolproof.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: What he did on his anniversary is he threw a party for him and his wife, and they invited all their friends so that they could see how happy they were.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next morning he took his wife fishing.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: He rented a boat, he brought a cooler, some tackle, three concrete blocks, and a tarp.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, for fishing.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: And he would have gotten away with the whole thing.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: But three months after his wife disappeared at sea, he got engaged to a stripper, which is kind of suspicious.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And to celebrate their engagement, they dropped acid, as tradition would have.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: And while tripping on acid, he admitted the whole thing to his fiance.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: And she turned him in because she didn't appreciate the dishonesty.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And as the episode ended, all I could think is, I'm a terrific husband.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: I've never even thought of murdering my wife.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I've never made plans to murder my wife.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I don't own concrete blocks.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: I can see some of you are like, Jim, I don't like the murder jokes.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like them.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: But wouldn't it be great if in a week you learned I was a murderer?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because then you could brag, you could be like, oh my gosh, we were at the taping for a special.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: And he had all these jokes on murder.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Were they good?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Not really, no.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: He was better at murder than comedy.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Recently I was invited to a surprise birthday party.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: It was a surprise birthday party for a dog.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's right, I have friends that are mentally ill.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: I went, I went, it was in my apartment building, and I needed the material.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: And to be fair, the dog was surprised.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't suspect the thing.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Dog didn't know it was his birthday.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: The dog didn't know it had a birthday.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: The dog wasn't sure why people were in the apartment.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: It was the dog's third birthday, which in dog years doesn't matter.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Someone made that up, and we just went along with it.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, one year equals seven for doggies?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: When I see a dog, I'll do math.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's not fulfilling some dog need.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's not a dog sitting in a bar right now, I'm not three, I'm 21.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: I can legally drink.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's not how dogs keep track of time.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you have a dog, you know they don't keep track of time.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: You've left your home, forgotten something, walked back in only to be greeted by your dog like you've just returned from war.
• 11:40
  unknown: They're back!
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's a miracle! They're back after I don't know how long, because I'm a dog.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: These poor dogs! We just attached these points of view on these poor dogs.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like dog is man's best friend.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: How desperate are humans?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're best friends, right?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Dog's like, well, aren't we different species?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Or we're best friends forever.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you lock me in the house all day with nothing but a bowl of water.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: You'd think you let your best friend sit on the couch.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: We're best friends.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now put on this fireman's outfit.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna do a photo shoot for Instagram.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, sometimes when you sleep, I think about eating your face.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: But I get it.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: I love dogs too.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: I love animals.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: We all have the friend that announces they love animals in a way that implies the rest of us are drowning kittens.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I love animals.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's a pretty exclusive group of just you and anyone who's not a serial killer.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I just get along with animals better.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Or humans don't like you.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: I did have an opportunity to go on a safari, which was unbelievable.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was breathtaking how bad the Wi-Fi was.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I went on a safari, which is just a fancy word for animal stalking.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what you do on a safari.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: You follow animals and watch them.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Beautiful.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Lovely weather out there.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: I prefer the cold to hot.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's surprising looking at me, given I I look like a snowman.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: I prefer the cold, you know?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: Last summer I was in Las Vegas.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: It was 114 degrees.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: 114 degrees.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: You can actually hear the sun at that point.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't feel safe.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, are we supposed to be here?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: 114.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you're never at a friend's house, you know, warming here.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I sent the thermostat to 114.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I like it.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Lizard.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Thermostats don't even go up that high.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: Meat thermometers do.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: I think God is just cooking people in Vegas.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: I love smoked meat.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: It was 114 degrees, which was shocking, but not as shocking as how casually Las Vegas residents just went about their day in that heat.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: It was like, you were like, let's play friends, B, time to walk the dog.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, get inside! The earth is on fire! Get inside and beg for God's forgiveness.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: You've obviously angered him.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's why Vegas is called Sin City.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's the same temperature as hell.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: I have a friend from Vegas.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: I told him it was 114.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, that's nothing.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, that's something.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually the temperature you boil water at.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that bad.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: Not if you're making ramen.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, that's our summer.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's not summer.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: Summer is when you barbecue on a grill, not the sidewalk.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's so weird to be places where summer is the enemy.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was like in the Southwest, they talk about summer like it's an ex-lover they never want to see again.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_02: We gotta get out of here before summer gets here.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Last year I couldn't leave my house when summer was here.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: You ever notice the further north you go, the more obsessed people are with summer?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like I in February, I was in Bangor, Maine, and everyone was talking about summer.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone I met, they're like, you gotta come back during summer, you gotta come back.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Which is a strange way to greet someone.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, how are you?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Come back later.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it was everyone.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta come back during summer, you gotta come.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, but I'm here now.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: Just make sure you come back.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: I I didn't want to come the first time.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I love how northern cities sell summer.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, summer here's unbelievable.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's perfect for 112th of the year, it's ideal.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, it's a tundra filled with alcoholism and depression.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: But for those 13 odd days, that's worth it.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't horseback ride mainly because I prefer to be comfortable and it's not the 1800s.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure the horses aren't thrilled either.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, why am I carrying you around?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: I saw you drive up in a Honda Civic.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: But people like the horseback ride.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: I have a friend, she told me the reason she enjoys horseback riding is because she loves horses.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Which seems like a strange way of expressing love for something.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: Making it carry you around on its back.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I love my great Aunt Katie.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: Not gonna make her carry me around on her back.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Not anymore.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know why we have to specify that it's horseback riding.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Other people like, hey, you want to ride a horse?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: What part?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: The part that looks like a seat, the back.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh god, because I've done horse ass riding.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: That was painful.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: I kept falling off.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: I should probably tell you the rest of the show is all horse jokes.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is he serious?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: There are different types of horses.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: He's gonna keep going, isn't he?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: There are breeds of horses, right?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Which is different from horse breeding.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you've ever seen two horses breed, but that'll keep you awake at night.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: If you've never seen two horses breed, do not YouTube it.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: Do not YouTube it and print out still images.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do that.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: Don't affix your face on one of the images and show your wife think it's funny.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: She won't think it's funny.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: But that says more about her than you.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: What was I talking about?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: Horses.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's strange how we treat horses.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: We give horses shoes.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know if horses need shoes.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: You never see a horse in the wild walking around like, ow! Ow! Wish I had some damn shoes! We give horses shoes that are metal! Metal! That's worse than Crocs! That must be hard to shop for, right?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have anything in metal, but not a slip-on?
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: Something I can nail to my foot.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we do, we nail it to their foot! And when we're not doing that, we're literally tossing the horseshoe around as a game.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: The horse must be like, what the hell do you do with my shoes?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: Probably looks like we're taunting the horse.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, horse, why don't you come and get your shoes?
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: Go and grab it all your kids because you don't have hands! The horseshoe, a symbol of luck for everyone, but the horse.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if this is true.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: Someone told me that when horses are sent out to stud, some female horses will wear high-heel horseshoes.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Makes them more confident.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be paying for this later on.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, and I've been on my feet all day.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's gotta be the end of the horse jokes.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: Horse people.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not talking about people that are half horse, half human.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: Which are centaurs and they don't exist anymore, right?
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, people who own horses will tell you that the horse can't even feel the nail going in their foot.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: Not that anyone's ever heard a horse go, that's fine, hammer away.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: Next time, glue, just don't tell me where you got the glue from.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that was too edgy.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: There's no horses in here.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: There's not a horse in the front row going, hey, take it easy on the glue, Joe.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna- I love how some of you look forward.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a horse out there?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's strange how we treat horses.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: The most shocking way we treat horses is when they break their leg, we shoot them.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's a harsh medical plan.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: And someone explained the reason they shoot horses when they break their leg is because it's unlikely the leg will heal properly.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, unlikely?
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a chance?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine how stressed out horses must be?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like I stepped on a branch, it was a branch, put down the gun.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: Look at the branch, it's a branch.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: Even if they're injured, they're like, I'll walk it off, I'm gonna walk it off.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: Put the gun down.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: Jeez, you guys, anyone you ever heard of Ben Gay?
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: What's going on?
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: Put down the often the museums or art museums, and those are the most intimidating, right?
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because in art museums, they tell us what is the good art.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: We have no say in the matter.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: Touch good art.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'll take your word for it.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: They treat everyone like a child in an art museum.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: Don't touch anything, nobody touch anything.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't gonna.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now I kinda want it.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's speaking in hushed tones.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Be respectful.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're about to look at the work of a madman.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: He painted this after he chopped off his own ear.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: Why are we whispering?
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: Van Gogh's dead.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: Even if he was alive, he couldn't hear us.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: Recently, after a show, Simon came up to me.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, you know, it's not pronounced Van Gogh, it's pronounced Billy Joel.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: I do find it hard to leave art museums, mainly because I can't find the exit.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: Create another room filled with paintings of ugly Dutch people.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: In the 1600s, they painted every ugly Dutch person.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, you're her to look at.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: Can I do your portrait?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: Making that hey, look good, aren't you?
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: Fine art.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: I sometimes feel like it's wasted on me.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like the Mona Lisa, we've all seen the Mona Lisa.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: The most beautiful smile in the world.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: The most beautiful smile.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, have you seen Allie Berry?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: Heck, have you seen Chuckberry?
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know if Mona Lisa's smiling.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: To me, it looks like she's just came from the dentist.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, eh.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: Nova can't wear off.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: Art museums will occasionally ask if you'd like to become a member.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: Would you like to become a member?
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_02: How often would I have to come here?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think I can only pretend to be interested once.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: There's always people sketching in an art museum.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: I always point them out to security.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, copying.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: Got a forgery happening mid-forge.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: Those art museum security guards, you know, they're important.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: Some of that art is priceless, some of it's on loan.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: You see that next to a painting?
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: On loan from a rich person.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: The poor people may look at my art.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let them get their peasant fingers on it.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: Some of that art is priceless.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: Recently, a Da Vinci painting sold for$450 million.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: What room do you put that in your house?
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_01: I put that in the game room.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: It was a Da Vinci painting, Salvatore daMundo.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: It was a painting of Jesus.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: But it's not like Da Vinci even knew what Jesus looked like.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: He painted it 1,500 years after Jesus walked the earth.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: So he was just guessing.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, I don't know, he's got brown eyes, probably.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: He probably just painted someone he knew.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, back in the day, they're like, people are like, what is that, your nephew Eddie?
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: Da Vinci's like, no, that's Jesus.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: The savior of the world.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: Eddie's wearing the same outfit as him.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's a coincidence.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's gotta be hard to work in a hospital.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: That hospital lighting, everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: I walked in, they're like, we should get you to the ER.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just here to see my wife.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you have jaundice.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_01: See, compared to- Oh my gosh, I have jaundice too.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: We all have jaundice.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: When my wife would nap, I'd go to the cafeteria.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: Hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment, but they're still serving food like a Shawshank redemption.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: How about selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: Jim, you're a monster.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: There's different sections in hospitals.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's the emergency room, the intensive care unit, which sounds scary, but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the intensive care unit.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: That kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like, look, we care, but we're not gonna be a spaz about it.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: I get a phone call, I'm gonna take it, right?
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_02: We're like the mediocre care unit, which is better than we couldn't care a less unit.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_02: Those guys are horrible.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's wild.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: My wife was in surgery for 10 hours, and before the surgery, the surgeon told me, goes, halfway through, I'll probably stop and get lunch.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need to know that.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Why even tell me that?
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: Was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria?
• 26:40
  unknown: What are you doing here?
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: I get these cravings.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Those Snickers commercials are true! But he was a great brain surgeon.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: We learn later on that he's like the best.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe there's a competition.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: America's got tumors.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: Heidi Klum thought it was the best.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: The best brain surgeon.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon?
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: None of us can even get in med school.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: A brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards, specializes in neurology, after that, specializes in surgery of the brain, and we're like, yeah, but are they any good?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they're a brain surgeon.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know what they do with the bad brain surgeons?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: They don't let them become brain surgeons.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine the pressure on a brain surgeon?
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: At no point during their work day can they say, hey, it ain't brain surgery.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's always brain surgery! Every day! What's you do at work, honey?
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_01: Brain surgery! That's fine.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: You want some fruit?
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_01: Never my wife had a she had an amazing team of doctors.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: She had the brain surgeons, she also had an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_01: Ear, nose and throat.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_01: That kind of sounds like they didn't make the cut for brain surgery.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be a brain surgeon.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: Let's stick with the ears, nose, and throat.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be better with the things surrounding the brain.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: Can I have the eyes?
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: Let's stick with the ears, nose, and throat.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: We promised the eyes to the nerd at lens crafters.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: Why pick on optometrus?
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: Those ear, nose, and throat doctors, they must look at dentists and think, just teeth?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's it?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: What about the tongue?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_01: Not the tongue, just the teeth.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: You just work on teeth, surgery on teeth?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I don't do the surgery, that's the orthodontist.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: I mostly scrape stuff off of teeth.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_01: While I listen to 80s music.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: I love Debbie Gibson.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: When you think about it, dentists, they don't do the surgery.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: They don't even clean the teeth.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, you guys do everything, and then I'll come in and jab with a sharp object.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I listen to Debbie.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ignored at my Y.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ignored at all health clubs.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I walk into a fitness area, even in a hotel, people always look at me like, I didn't know they serve food here.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: The only people that approach me are personal trainers.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, You looking for a personal trainer?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh no.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_01: You should be.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I've gotten to the point if I'm approached by a personal trainer, I just act like they're hitting on me.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, hey, how are you doing?
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm married.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think you understand.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: I understand perfectly.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_01: You want to get with me, but I'm taken, so you can look, but no touching.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: I got to do some international shows this year.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_01: I performed in Japan for the first time, which was amazing.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I wasn't in Japan just for stand-up, I was also modeling.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_01: Wish that wasn't that funny.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: But Japan, the Japanese are just, they're they're better at being human.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_01: Can we admit that?
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: They're, you know, they're more polite, they're better at design.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: The Japanese toilet, are you familiar with the Japanese toilet?
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_01: The Japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence and fixed it.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: And that is in a Tokyo airport bathroom.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_01: You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: You leave an American public restroom with PTSD.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: Your only thought is, how can I forget that experience?
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_01: Is there alcohol nearby?
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_01: The entire time I was in Japan, I felt overweight, probably because I am overweight.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: But generally the Japanese are thin.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there are people that are overweight in Japan, but not like in America.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're better at not being thin.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you get really fat in Japan, they make you sumo wrestle.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_01: They make their fat people fight each other to entertain the thin people.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_01: And the fat people in Japan go along with it.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_01: Why am I doing this?
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's prestigious.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: Now you try and push that other fat ass out of the circle.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_01: We try not to giggle.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_01: But first, throw in this giant diaper and put your hair in the butt.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's very dignified.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: Japanese are quiet and polite.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: They're like the opposite of my children.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: I had my kids with me, and they were always making loud noises.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: Occasionally I would catch a Japanese person looking at my poorly behaved kids, and then they would look at me, and I'd always say the same thing.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_01: We're Canadian.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, we're not Canadian, but that is what some Americans do when they travel internationally.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: They tell people they're Canadian, which I think is cowardly.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I always tell people I'm North Korean.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_01: Then I get the respect I deserve.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_01: How much attention does the country of North Korea need at this point?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_02: Every two days, North Korea's like, we're gonna blow up the world.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't there a part of you that's like, then just do it?
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like the UK is not that different from the US.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if anything, you go over there and it seems like British people are trying to be different from Americans.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, oh, you drive on the right side of the road, then we're gonna drive on the left side of the road.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you call your mother mom, then we're gonna call ours mom.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you call that a cookie, then we're not going to the dentist.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_02: I know that's true.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_01: I did notice something when I was over there.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, British people, they don't say the before hospital.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_01: You ever notice that?
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, hospital?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was feeling knockered, so I went to hospital.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever they would do that, I'd say, Stop that, that's wrong and weird.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: Are you trying to sound like a polite caveman?
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I had a friend from London, he was like, What makes you think you're doing it properly?
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I go, because I'm American and we invented the English language.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: It was a pet peeve of mine, so I did some research.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know why British people don't say the before hospital?
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because they're dicks.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_01: I know that sounds harsh, but admit it, British people always talk to Americans like we just walked into their jewelry store with two full bags of garbage.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_02: May I help you?
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_02: Are you lost?
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I love the Brits, and I would never do those jokes.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_01: There.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: Snow animals.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_01: And no, I was walking through Piccadilly Circus and I saw they had an MM store.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I looked at that MM store, and it just made me think of all the things the British have given the Americans.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like our language, Shakespeare, the Magna Carta, and I looked at the MM store and I thought, now we're even.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_01: When I looked at the MM store, I wasn't even embarrassed to be American.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was just shamed to be human.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because has anyone at any point in their life thought, when are they gonna open an MM store?
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, I can buy MMs absolutely anywhere, but I like to buy in bulk.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: In a pro MM environment.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, we don't need an MM store.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_01: We don't even need different colored MMs.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: They all taste the same.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: They're just bits of chocolate shaped like Advil.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_01: With an M on it.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're not even MMs, they're M's.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_01: We don't do that with anything else.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_01: You want some raisin and raisins?
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_01: Grab a handful of raisin and raisins.