Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / Almost Good Advice Part V

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Almost Good Advice Part V · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: This is almost good Advice with Ben Higgins and Ashley
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Ayak and Ettie Ashley. How are you feeling about giving
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: some relatively good advice today?
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: I feel like you'll do a better job at giving
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: almost good advice, and then I will give very like
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: fifty to fifty advice where I'm not even sure if
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: I believe my own. But you know what, I'm feeling
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: better today than I have in the past couple of weeks.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: The more we do this, the more I'm like, maybe
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: people care, maybe people actually think that I have something
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: to say about it.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Well, I think the responses have shown us that's what
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: I mean. The responses have shown us that this segment
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: is really not only fun for us. It's maybe helpful
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: for us, you know, to talk through things and learn
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: things about, you know, how we see the world personally.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: But also hopefully it's helpful for all the listeners who
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: are writing us in or maybe listening to this segment
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: and maybe feeling less alone or grabbing some peace piece
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: of wisdom, or if you disagree with us completely, that's
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: fine too. Maybe at least you're thinking through questions about
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: life and situations that you've never thought through before. We
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: want you to disagree. We want you to agree. This
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: is a conversation for us just to try to find
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: out what our listeners are going through and dealing with
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: and thinking through in this world. And we're so honored
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: that you let us host this segment. So let's dive
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: into it right away. We have some really, really great
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: questions today, some that are going to definitely spark hopefully
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: a little bit of contentiousness, but also an understanding between
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: Ashley and myself. We start out with Marina. Here's the question,
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: how do I work on not thinking about a situation
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: that happened to me? I have something specific that I'm
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: thinking about, but I don't feel comfortable sharing that. I
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: know that other people can relate on this. It is
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: consuming me. Any advice would be great. Have you struggled
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: with this? I'm literally fixated on this situation.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: It's hard and we don't know it. Of course, if
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: it's something like so so serious that you need to
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: talk to a doctor or a therapist about, definitely I
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: go that route first. If it's not something like that,
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: my I've literally had one situation and I don't even
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: know it's the most random thing in the entire world.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Should I share it? It happened to me as a child. Okay,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: so I was chosen, which is hilarious now that I
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: have a good advice podcast segment. I was chosen in
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: a fourth grade to be a pure mediator as a
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: fifth grader and sixth grader each. There was like ten
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: from the entire grade. And you know, my parents were
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: super proud of this. You don't even submit yourself that
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: the guidance counselor and the teachers came together to make
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: a decision on it would be this. And my parents
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: are really proud because of course, like that means that
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: you know how to make a decision, you know how
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: to solve issues peacefully. And this one girl thought that
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: I was like stealing her best friend and I was
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: spending too much time with her, and the other girl
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: was annoyed because she wasn't getting as much time. So
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: this other girl that I speak of happened to also
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: be a peer mediator, and she took me to a
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: mediation and I was like so embarrassed that another mediator
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: would take me to a mediation because we should be
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: able to just talk this out together, right, I know,
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: I was eleven. It's like not a big deal. But
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: I never told my parents this, and I told my
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: parents everything. So for like twenty years, not twenty maybe
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: like twelve years, I held this secret from my mom.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: I thought specifically I was holding it for my mom,
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: and it would eat me live sometimes. I think it
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: was an absolute OCD thing where I'd be like, what
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: if something happens to my mom and I never told
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: her that I went to mediation. Great it was, It
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: was so OCD, but I would get this cycle of
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: thought and it would stress me out. And then one
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: day I was just like, hey, Mom, I'm like twenty two.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: I'm like, Mom, guess what this girl took me to
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: a mediation. One day she was like, oh, really, that's funny.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: That was it.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: So you tell me one of the most like traumatizing
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: moments of your friendship as a child is the fact
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: that you had a a mediator come in between you
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: and somebody else.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: Well that I had that somebody took me to a
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: mediation as I as we both were mediators. I know
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: this is the silliest story ever, but I'm trying to
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: tell you that there is like there's a situation like
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: this girl Marina is saying that there's a situation and
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: it's all consuming, and to me, my best advice is
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: that it could be it's probably so consuming in your head.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: But then when you say it out loud, if it
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: is something like a secret that you need to share
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: with others to make you feel better, once it's out there,
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: you're actually gonna be like so relieved and it's probably
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: hopefully not as big of a deal. Well, yes, I've
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: ever shared on this podcast.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: It's not the stupidest now, I don't think so. So
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: it's really hard to answer this without knowing the context
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: of the situation. We don't know the gravity of the
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: thing that's consuming you. If it's a mistake you made,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: you know. Ashley just talked about her situation where she
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: was hiding something from her family that she felt like
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: she needed to share with them because it was maybe
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: embarrassing for her, and also it was probably a realization
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: that maybe for the first time, somebody who's actually angry
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: at you.
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: And I think that's always.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: A moment you remember as a child, is when you
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: feel like, wow, the world maybe doesn't just completely love
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: me like my family does. Maybe I will have conflict
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: in life. It's really your first moment of conflict, and
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: that's always a memorable moment as a child, and we can.
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: Always well speak to that.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: But I don't know, so I'll go out it from
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: the angle maybe of if this is a mistake you made,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: or it's or maybe it's a way somebody has made
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: you feel. I think the best way for it to
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: kind of process through your mind is definitely to speak
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: to somebody. I always think that's a good option because
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: I do think having another ear to hear it and
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: kind of bounce some truce off of you will always
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: help you move forward.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: I also think.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: For me, when there's something on my mind or maybe
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling down and out in a day because it's
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: something somebody said or maybe something I did that I
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: when I hurt somebody unintentionally, is I like to sit
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: in those moments a little bit and think through what
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: I'm learning, Like what is actually bothering me? Like what
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: actually offended me? What actually hurt me here? Like was
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: it my ego? Was it what they said about the
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: way I looked? Was it about the way they said?
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: Was it something they said about the way I treat
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: people or the way that I come off to them?
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: As a person, and I have to really sit in
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: that and think through why did it affect me so much?
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Like why is this on my mind so heavily? Because
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: then I can start to get to the root of
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: the issue. I can really start to like dig deep
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: inside myself and say, Okay, this is obviously an area
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: of my life that I need to work on, or
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: an area of my life I need to bring to
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: somebody else to talk through with them, because this is
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: a very sensitive place subject for me. I also have
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: this theory in life that we're all going to mess up,
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: and I think as long as your intentions were pure,
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: like as long as your intentions were not to mess
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: up the way you did or to hurt somebody the
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: way you did, then it's a learning moment. It's a
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: moment for growth. It's a moment to say, Okay, I
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: don't want to do this again because I don't want
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: to have this feeling again. I don't want to sit
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: in this thought again. I want to get better next time,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: so I know next time when I go into the situation,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: maybe I won't lie, or maybe I won't be so
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: direct to somebody to hurt their feelings, or maybe I'll
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: listen more than I talk so that they can trust me,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: or maybe I won't share that secret with somebody else.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I think knowing like really sitting and where your intentions were,
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: and if your intentions were not good, then there's another
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: moment for growth is to ask stuff why your intentions
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: were good? Why were you trying to hurt them, Why
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: were you trying to make them feel a little less
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: about themselves, or any of those situations.
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: So I think there's a few things there.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: One is, as Ashley was mentioning, kind of that first
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: moment of conflict. I think the other thing is to
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: sit in this and understand why it's affecting you so much.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: You know, I don't know how that of a situation
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: this is, but I always I always recommend talk therapy.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I always recommend speaking with somebody in these situations to
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: try to just get mediator, to go back to Ashley's
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: kind of example, to kind of understand where you're at. Well,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: we have an next from Katie. Katie says this, I
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: have an older brother who I live with in his apartment.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: For reference, I am nineteen years old and he is
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: twenty five years old. Here's some background. He is currently
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: dating Mary and has been and has been for three
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: years now, after cheating on his ex with her. I
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: was the one who told the ex about the cheating
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: and ended their relationship, which really strained mine and my
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: brother's closeness. Me and Mary get along well enough, but
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't consider us friends. He has cheated on her
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: once before with his ex right after they officially got together,
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: and I'm the only one who knows. I had never
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: said anything because me and my brother are close and
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to herry our friendship more and that
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: we had finally rebuilt. But this is making me second
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: guess what I should have done. A few days ago,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: he invited over one of his female friends. This by
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: itself would have been fine, but I could loudly hear
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: them in the next room being intimate. When the girl
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: left and he realized I was awake, he told me
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: it's okay because him and Mary had broken up. I
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: didn't respond, but he reminded me that they are not together,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: so I shouldn't pull another stunt like I did with
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: his ex, and I said okay. But I have heard
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: him on the phone with Mary for the past three days.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: He always calls her baby pet names. He laughs with her,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: and they still act like a couple. My last relationship
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: ended due to my ex cheating, so it hurts knowing
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: I could be helping my brother get away with an affair,
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: but he claims they aren't together. Should I tell her
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: about anything? Or is it not my place?
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: You go first? Let me go first?
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because I mean, okay, here, here's mine. I don't know.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: Your brother's definitely lying, and I still think you should
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: probably stay out of it. I don't know if Mary
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: ends up coming over. You've just heard her on the phone,
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: but she ends up coming over, and you can maybe
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: like drop some slight hints if you guys are alone,
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: try to vibe out how she's defining the relationship and
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: how seriously she's taking it. They've been together for three years,
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Hive and Mary. Though, I think you can't like make
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: the declaration to Mary about there's something going on. You
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: can you can maybe hint at it if you see
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: her in person, steer her in the right direction. But yeah,
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: you can't say anything. I don't think. I don't know.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: It's hard, Ben, Well, the first issue here is that
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: you live with your brother, and I think in a
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: healthy environment that could be a really cool thing and
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: maybe really good for your closeness and for memories together.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: I think at this point he's putting you in situations
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: that are no longer healthy for you guys to be
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: living this close to each other, especially in the same apartment.
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: And so if it's straining.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Your, like your relationship with your brother by seeing how
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: he is on an everyday basis, I think it's probably
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: good for you to move out, if that's an option
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: in your life. So that would be like my first
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: piece of advice would be trying to find a separate
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: place to live, because this does not feel like a
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: healthy environment for you, and it feels like over time
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: this is only going to get more unhealthy. The second point,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: and this is just going to be brutal honesty. Your
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: brother's not a good dude. He's not, and he's making
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: decisions that are going to really hurt people, not only
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: yourself who's writing in here, but also the women that
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: he's doing this too. He's practicing a behavior and getting
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: kind of in a rhythm of a behavior. It's becoming
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: a trend at this point that is going to lead
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: him in a direction that's going to cause a lot
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: of pain probably in his own life at some level
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: when it catches up with him, and it will, it
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: will catch up with him. And so you know, I
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: think one of the things that could be done here
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: is when it comes to advice, would we have a
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: conversation with him and tell him, Hey, this isn't the
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: man you want to be. I don't think and if
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: it is, I need you to tell me that so
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I understand you better. But I don't think you want
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: to be a man that continues to hurt people along
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: his path and life and affects relationships and treats intimacy
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: like it's something that could be thrown away. And I
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: think as a sister, that's a really you're a trusted,
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: loving source of truth for him, and I think that
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: is your role here, first and foremost is to ask
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: him who does he want to be in life? And
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: is this behavior leading him in this direction. The final thing,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: when it comes to your question of do you need
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: to tell Mary or not, I think it's a little
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: different than the question that we had a couple of
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: weeks ago when it came to the neighbor cheating on
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: the ex husband. I don't know. I don't know your
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: relationship with Mary.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: She says that she's not close, she's not friends.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they're they're close, but they're not considered like friends.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I don't think that you need to. And the reason
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: I say this and this this is a really tricky situation.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: The reason I say this is because I think your
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: brother's relationship with you right now is the thing that
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: you need to work on the most. It sounds like,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: and your brother and his behavior is something that you
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: need to be focused on at this point the most
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: because he's your brother, and I think family matters deeply,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: and you want to see your brother be a good
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: man to others, and you want to be proud of
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: your brother, and you want to see him thrive, and
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: and you want to see him live a life that
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: is fulfilling and not you know, practicing this behavior. And
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: so for me, I would say, I don't think your
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: focus needs to be on if you need to tell
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: Mary or not. I think your first focus needs to
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: be on sitting with your brother. And if that conversation
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: goes poorly and you feel like he is going to
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: be hurting Mary as time goes on, then I think
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: I would go with the same suggestion we gave the others,
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: which is, Hey, you need to talk to Mary about this,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: and if not, I'm going to So you need to
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: let him know first, because I think him being blindsided
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: by you doing this twice. Even though I think you're
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: in the right and I don't think there's any wrong
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: to what you did, I think the blindsidingness of doing
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: this twice will lose your ability to speak any truth
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: into him in the future, and I think right now
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: he needs that more than anything else.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: Does that make sense.
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: It's fantastic advice, Ben, stop it. We're going to have
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: to rename this segment. Ben's great advice.
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: No, I mean I do.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I think I think this is tricky and it's hard,
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: and there's like, this is one of those situations where
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: everything is so and so much in a gray area.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: There's no black and white right response here or right answer.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: If she told Mary, I don't think you're in the
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: wrong at all for doing that. I just worry about
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: your ability to support your brother Will if he finds
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: out you did that again. Like I think the first
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: step needs to be sitting with him, and then you
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: can make a decision on how to move forward from there,
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: but I think first he he probably could need you
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: and like use your love right now, because he's again
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: we said it last week, hurt people, hurt people, right.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So that's my advice, that's.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Ben's advice, And if it were me, I'd be like, mom,
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: what should I do? Brother? Guys, brother is doing this.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: He's so gross, it's tough, it's it's it's hard. He's
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: obviously hurt though.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: I mean, I read this and I see probably some
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: some type of pain in his life or whatever has happened,
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: you know, in your guys upbringing has kind of probably
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: I'm hoping he has a good example back home. I'm
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: hoping you do a parance that you can call and
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: trust and talk to. But I'm assuming at this point
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: you don't, just because it wasn't mentioned uh in the question,
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: And so if if that's not an option, then my
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: first step would be sitting with him.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: Ben. I'm gonna read the next one.
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: I don't even know where to start because this guy
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: sounds so gross.
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: Why why? Okay?
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: So I'm so like I can't even like put myself
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: in this situation because I encountered a manage how you
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: read it Okay, this is Lula, and she says, how
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: do I get nudes off my boyfriend's phone? My boyfriend
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: sexted somebody who I thought was my friend behind my back.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: Well that was my friend, Apparently not so much. She
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: was interested in a threesome and asked to see my nudes,
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: so he sent her photos and videos of me that
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: he had. By the way, guys rated our question, I
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: feel absolutely disgusting and I'm gearing up to leave him,
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: but I need to get some things in line first,
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: due to kids and living with him. I would also
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: like to make sure he doesn't keep any photos of me,
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: so I asked him to delete them as a condition
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: of staying together, and he agreed to do so. But
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: the other day he mentioned that since we haven't been
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: having sex, he decided to restore an old version of
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: his phones that did have the nudes on them. He
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: had done it in a couple He had done it
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: a couple of days prior to telling me, and only
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: admitted it when I was kind of fishing for information
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: to see if all of them are actually deleted, How
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: can I remove them in a way that he won't
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: be able to recover them. I still have all of
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: his passwords.
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, this dude sounds gross. You know.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: First off, he's holding these pictures over Lula in a way.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: That's like black Maley.
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I mean it's it's terrible. Uh.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: You know, this feels like a techy question for me, actually,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: and I don't I'm not a tech expert, and so
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: I do believe we probably have a producer on here
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: who would know how to permanently delete photos and videos.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: I don't have that answer, but let me start. Let
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: us start Ashley with kind of talking through the situation
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: in general. One, I'm really glad you're getting out of
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: this relationship. I can't understate just how disgusting really this
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: behavior is the fact that he would not only send
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: your videos to somebody else, and I'm not quite clear
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: here if it was with your permission or not.
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: No, No, it doesn't really seem like it was ibsolutely discussed.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, so let's say that. Well, first off, that's that's terrible.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, there's very few things that are more violating
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: in life than somebody that you're intimate with, that you're
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: close to, that you trust, taking advantage of that trust
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: and intimacy, and also of taking advantage of you as
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: a human and and doing whatever with these videos. He is,
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: So this is this is a terrible situation, and I
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: feel for you, Lula, and I hope you're listening to
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: this and just understand that if you're feeling really like,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: just like you said, disgusting and and kind of just
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: down and out, I'm We're sorry, first off, but we
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: hear you. But you're you're not in the wrong here
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: for wanting to get out of this thing as quickly
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: as possible. I do believe though you're there's a lot
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: of Wisdomulan what you're saying where you have to get
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: some things together first. And I don't know how he
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: would respond based on the behavior you've mentioned. It doesn't
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: sound like he's a great dude, so I'm doubting he's
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: going to respond. Well, if you were to say, hey,
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: this is over and I need you to remove those
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: videos and pictures. I also don't know what kind of
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: legal recourse you can have if somebody has videos and
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: pictures of you on their phone and you have ended
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: this relationship. I don't know if there's maybe some legal
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: recourse you could have to make sure that those get
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: deleted permanently from his phone. I don't I don't know
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: you know that kind of law, and I can't really
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: speak to it, but I do believe that is a
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: really smart first step here is to make sure that
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: those are gone. But I would hope you could be
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: honest with them and say we're done and as a result,
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: you no longer have privilege to me and these pictures
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: of me. You've taken advantage of this privilege. You haven't
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: treated me well, and I need those pictures gone immediately,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: And I hope, I mean, it sounds crazy to even say,
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: I would hope he would just respect you and do
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: that in front of you for you. Now, let's bring
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: in Let's bring in Easton. I think Easton is our
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: tech expert.
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: Easton.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Is there a way to permit make sure you permanently
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: delete pictures and videos from your phone?
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: There is the thing that frightens me. I don't want
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: to be the bearer of bad news. But when you
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: delete a photo on an Apple device, they exist in
• 22:48
  Speaker 4: like a recently deleted folder for I think thirty days
• 22:51
  Speaker 4: and then they're gone forever and you can go in
• 22:53
  Speaker 4: there and clear those out. But the fact that she said,
• 22:56
  Speaker 4: he restored an old version of his phone. This man
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: is going to extreme lengths to hide these pictures and
• 23:05
  Speaker 4: get them back. I wouldn't be surprised if he has
• 23:08
  Speaker 4: them on a computer somewhere, to our drive or something.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: I would go through every piece of technology that you
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: can get your hands on from him. You do have
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: the passwords, I would use them, go through every photo album,
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: delete everything you can find, and then after that I
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: can't imagine that you have too much power unless he
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: worked to of course, share them in the future after
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: you guys break up. Hey, and by the way, do
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: that deleting before you announce the breakup to him.
• 23:39
  Speaker 4: I mean, if you have all those passwords, I say,
• 23:41
  Speaker 4: log into his iCloud in deulate the old versions of
• 23:43
  Speaker 4: his phone too. I mean, this man doesn't have a
• 23:45
  Speaker 4: backup of anything.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: Working off the fact that hopefully this guy has an
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: Apple where it's like all very easy like that. But
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: if yeah, he has other stuff, there's not like an
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: eye cloud that's all like consuming, I would uh.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: I don't know why I want to say this, but
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: I just feel like I should too. When you do
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: do this process, when you go through the steps here
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: as Easton mentioned, I do want to reiterate there is
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: a way to permanently delete these. If it's on only
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: a phone, you go you delete it, and you go
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: in the recently deleted files and delete those and then
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: they're gone. So make sure you know if it's just
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: on a phone, that's a good step. When it comes
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: to other, you know, devices that he might have stuff
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: saved on, you would know that a lot better than
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: we would if those exist or not. And if they
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: do exist, then make sure you check those. But I
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: didn't want to just mention that. And when you go
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: through this process, I feel like I just want to
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: say you should have a peer there with you, a
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: trusted friend.
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: Advice.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you should have somebody with you, because I feel
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: like this could be a very contentious moment and based
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: on the question that you asked us, it doesn't sound
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: like this dude is a good dude, and it doesn't
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: sound like he'll probably respond very well to it, And
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: so I would just recommend having somebody there that you
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: trust beside you as you go through this for multiple reasons.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: One is they can validate that you've asked him to
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: do this. If this ever does become a bigger subject,
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: and two just to have that support next to you
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: and with you as you do this. This could be
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: a very emotional time for you as well, because there
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: is going to be things that probably you have to
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: go back through and look at and see and it
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: will probably mess with you a little bit.
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: And that's okay if it does.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: But I just want you to make sure that you
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: kind of have a community around you while.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: You do that. It's really smart, Ben.
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: Ashley. Why do I mean?
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: I've never been a fan of the saying that guy
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: suck because I just don't. I know so many good
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: dudes in my life. I know so many men that
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: I look up to that I get wisdom from, that
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: I talk to, that I learned from, that support me well,
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: that care for me well. I have an amazing dad.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: I've been lucky to be surrounded, I think intentionally and
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: sometimes just by luck with really good men. So I've
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: never liked the that guys suck. But goodness gracious, these
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: questions are making me question them, right, I mean, some guy,
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: let's like, I think at this point I'd agree with yes,
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: some guys do like this is this is some terrible
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: stuff that these dudes are doing I don't like it.
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: It's actually like fire me up, and it makes me
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: sad and angry for the women that have entered into
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: these uh men's lives, but also for the men, because
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: I know they can be better, Like I know that
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: they they're better than this, and they're for whatever reason,
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: doing things that aren't just done with poor intention. They're
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: doing things that are drastically going to affect the mental
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: well being of these women's lives. And I think that
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: is a power that nobody should have over somebody else,
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: or nobody should at all release that power on somebody else. Right,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: So this is this is heavy stuff. I hope, hope
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: if you're listening again, we go back to the beginning
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: of this episode where we just talk about if you're
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: listening and you're finding yourself in a similar situation, maybe
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: you're feeling a little less alone. Maybe you're gaining a
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: little bit of insight into how multiple people on this
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: show would deal with it. But if you disagree with
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: everything we're saying, again, that's okay. But maybe you're thinking
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: through these situations a little bit, like you're at least
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: considering how you would respond or what your advice you
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: would give, and I think that's a benefit to everybody
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: as well, because these are tough, These are real. This
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: is what people are going through who listen to the
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: show weekly with us. And I hope Almost Famous podcast
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: maybe gives you not only a place that you feel
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: les alone, but a little brevity in life to talk
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: about some crazy reality show that gets the air on
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: our TVs. And and hopefully this podcast is a place
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: where you can just maybe take a second and realize
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: that your problems, yes they're major.
• 28:03
  Speaker 3: But you're not alone in them. Other people are going
• 28:05
  Speaker 3: through stuff too.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: Well. Put Ben Seriously, we're again sermons, got put them
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: out there. These are basically this is basically Ben sermon,
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: except for we don't call it Ben sermon.
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: Ben sermon. That'd be great.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: I did just speaking to church last weekend, and I
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: just got back from Reno, Nevada, actually where I got
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: to hear the head coach of Nevada give a speech
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: to his team that really fired me up and rallied me.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: My best friend coached out there, and I got to
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: see his wife and two boys, and it was really
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: cool to kind of hear what it's like to be
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: a mentor and a coach, not only my buddy, but
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: the head coach. So I feel like I've gained some
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: wisdom this week and learn from some great men.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: That's really cool.
• 28:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's cool.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: All right, we'll be back with another episode of The
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: Almost Famous Podcast. We have some great interviews coming up
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: on our threat that you should look for to. We
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: are going to start bringing more past contestants and current
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: contestants onto The Almost Famous Podcast.
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: Now it's about time.
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: It's about that time of year where we're bringing in
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: some of the people that are the biggest names the
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: making the headlines and we're gonna chat with them. Also,
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: we're gonna continue to break down Joey's season of the Bachelor.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: But this has been almost good advice and so until
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: next time, I've been Ben, I've been Ashley.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: See you guys. Thank you.
• 29:27
  Speaker 4: Follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcasts on
• 29:30
  Speaker 4: iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.