Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Relationship Saturday: 7 Post Breakup/Divorce Dating Mistakes You Need To Avoid!

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Relationship Saturday: 7 Post Breakup/Divorce Dating Mistakes You Need To Avoid! · I Do, Part 2

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Speaker 1: Hey there folks, it is Saturday, September 26th, and if
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Speaker 1: you just happen to be getting out of a relationship,
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Speaker 1: maybe it was a long-term relationship, you just broke up,
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Speaker 1: and maybe you're trying to get back out there, Roblox
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Speaker 1: has seven things you absolutely should not do. And with that,
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Speaker 1: welcome to this episode, this relationship, Saturday relationship episode. Relationship Saturday.
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Speaker 2: Yes, that's the way we were saying it.
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Speaker 1: Of Amy and TJ.
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Speaker 2: It's okay.
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Speaker 1: Robes, this is– I haven't heard these yet. You've been
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Speaker 1: through them. Now, are they obvious?
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Speaker 2: Some of them are, but they're worth mentioning. And I
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Speaker 2: do think when you're coming out of a breakup or–
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Speaker 2: this was actually– many of these tips came from a
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Speaker 2: place of, well, you've just been divorced. You're trying to
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Speaker 2: get back out there. But whether you're broken up from
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Speaker 2: a long-term relationship or a divorce– The rules are the same, basically.
1:00
Speaker 2: You're trying to get back out there. And these are
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Speaker 2: some tips that a longtime therapist put out there that
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Speaker 2: she has seen her clients do that have absolutely derailed
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Speaker 2: their ability to find a new relationship.
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Speaker 1: Derailed?
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Speaker 2: So these are the seven mistakes that you need to
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Speaker 2: avoid when you're getting back out there, when you're putting
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Speaker 2: yourself back out on the market.
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Speaker 1: Wow. Have you made any of these?
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Speaker 2: Well, I... Okay, so you're staggering. Obviously, I'm divorced twice,
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Speaker 2: so I'm sure I did. Yes, I probably, yes, made
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Speaker 2: several of these mistakes. I thought it was interesting, though.
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Speaker 2: She says, before you actually start dating again, You actually
1:43
Speaker 2: should decide. And I never did this. Are you looking
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Speaker 2: for something casual? Just want to have some fun? Or
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Speaker 2: are you looking for something long-term? Are you looking for
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Speaker 2: a partner? Maybe I take that back. I did know
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Speaker 2: I wanted a partner. I wanted somebody to spend the
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Speaker 2: rest of my life with. Yes. Did you have a
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Speaker 2: moment to make that choice? No.
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Speaker 1: Didn't have it. Didn't have the time. There was no time.
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Speaker 2: There was no time.
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Speaker 1: No, there was no time to go sit and be
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Speaker 1: with it and go sail around the world for a
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Speaker 1: little while.
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Speaker 2: That's wonderful if you have that.
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Speaker 1: Backpacking and do the whole eat, pray, love thing from
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Speaker 1: the blackmail perspective.
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Speaker 2: I think we all romanticize that we're going to have
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Speaker 2: that moment. It doesn't always happen.
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Speaker 1: It didn't happen that way for me, baby. No, I didn't.
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Speaker 1: It sounds good. I mean, it sounds like a journey
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Speaker 1: I would like to go on.
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Speaker 2: Yes. But I do love this.
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Speaker 1: Oh, my God. You just missed my journey.
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Speaker 2: A journey that you want. By the way, that ship
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Speaker 2: has sailed.
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Speaker 1: That's awesome.
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Speaker 2: Speaking of journeys.
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Speaker 1: You know what? I appreciate your confidence, baby. That's exactly
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Speaker 1: what I wanted to hear from you.
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Speaker 2: Okay. So if you do have that moment to breathe,
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Speaker 2: I do like the idea that you should kind of make–
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Speaker 2: a decision on what you're looking for. And it's perfectly okay. Well, no,
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Speaker 2: we haven't gotten to the first mistake yet. These are
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Speaker 2: just overall tips. If you're navigating a fresh breakup, um,
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Speaker 2: And then they also said, don't put so much pressure
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Speaker 2: on yourself. Sometimes all you have to do in the
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Speaker 2: early days of dating is decide with each person, do
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Speaker 2: I want another date? You can say, okay, I want
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Speaker 2: to meet the love of my life. I want to
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Speaker 2: meet the person I'm going to grow old with. But
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Speaker 2: then don't place that on that person when you sit
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Speaker 2: down with them on that first date. What you actually
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Speaker 2: should do is just say, all I need to figure
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Speaker 2: out is, Would I like a second date? I appreciate that.
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Speaker 2: I think that's really good advice. You don't have to think,
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Speaker 2: are we going to get married? Um, you also don't
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Speaker 2: have to decide whether or not your parents, or if
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Speaker 2: you're of a certain age, your kids would approve or
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Speaker 2: whether you would want to move in with this person
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Speaker 2: or want to ever get married again. You can actually
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Speaker 2: just take it date by date. So when you start
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Speaker 2: this process, here are the seven mistakes. Number one, repeating
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Speaker 2: old patterns. Do not date someone who is like your
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Speaker 2: ex or remind you of them. Does that make sense?
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Speaker 1: Who the hell would want to do that anyway? Jesus Christ.
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Speaker 1: It's like a gag reflex. It should be.
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Speaker 2: I agree with you. I totally agree. It depends on
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Speaker 2: maybe what your breakup felt like or looked like.
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Speaker 1: Oh my God.
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Speaker 2: But some people will fall into the same pattern because
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Speaker 2: it feels familiar. It doesn't mean it's healthy. It just
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Speaker 2: feels safe because you know it. But actually just remember
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Speaker 2: how it ended. So, yes, this is a common thing.
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Speaker 1: That's insanity. Oh, yeah. If we ever break up, I
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Speaker 1: am going to go date a tall Asian woman. Like
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Speaker 1: give me the farthest thing and she's going to have
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Speaker 1: like a crop. She's going to have a shaved head.
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Speaker 1: Like she's going to have to be the opposite of
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Speaker 1: you in every way.
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Speaker 2: That's hilarious. Oh, my God.
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Speaker 1: All right.
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Speaker 2: Okay. So funny enough that you say that because the
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Speaker 2: number two rule is Do not date someone who is
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Speaker 2: the polar opposite of your ex.
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Speaker 1: Damn it. I'm blowing this.
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Speaker 2: I love that you walked right into that. Beware of
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Speaker 2: looking for someone who is a carbon copy of your
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Speaker 2: ex or over-correcting by choosing someone completely different.
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Speaker 1: A tall, bald Asian is probably over-correction.
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Speaker 2: Okay, but it's not even just about looks. It also
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Speaker 2: is about... Yes, and I will say I have made
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Speaker 2: this mistake in the past. I have never gone for
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Speaker 2: the same, but I have overcorrected. I have gone in
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Speaker 2: the opposite way, like unemotional, emotional. You're looking for something
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Speaker 2: that you didn't get.
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Speaker 1: White, black.
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Speaker 2: There you go. I mean, it could be something just
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Speaker 2: as similar.
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Speaker 1: This is an overcorrection.
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Speaker 2: Oh, stop it.
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Speaker 1: It is.
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Speaker 2: You're being funny.
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Speaker 1: I'm not being funny. This is an overcorrection. It's not
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Speaker 1: about looks necessarily. It's more about like compatibility. Culturally and
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Speaker 1: everything else. This is exactly what you're talking about. This
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Speaker 1: is an overcorrection.
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Speaker 2: Okay. You should be concerned then.
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Speaker 1: I am. All right.
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Speaker 2: Number three.
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Speaker 1: The listeners hear it in my voice.
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Speaker 2: You're hilarious. All right. Here's another mistake. prioritizing chemistry over
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Speaker 2: substance or vice versa. I think this is interesting because
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Speaker 2: if you've, look, I do believe once you've broken up
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Speaker 2: from a long-term relationship or you're in a divorce, a
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Speaker 2: lot of times, unless you were shocked and broken up with,
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Speaker 2: a lot of times you've been numb. You've been dead
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Speaker 2: on the vine for a while. And so you might
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Speaker 2: prioritize chemistry. Or maybe if you got shocked and you
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Speaker 2: were Like you couldn't believe that your person had just
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Speaker 2: left you. You might prioritize just somebody who you can
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Speaker 2: feel safe with, but you should never go to those extremes.
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Speaker 2: If you want a relationship that lasts, you can't just
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Speaker 2: look for chemistry. You can't just look for substance. You
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Speaker 2: literally have to have both and you can't lose sight
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Speaker 2: of that. And I do think people do when they
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Speaker 2: feel alone and sad and desperate and they're looking for
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Speaker 2: something to bring them back to life. So I thought
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Speaker 2: that was fair. The fourth mistake people make, oh, I
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Speaker 2: think a lot of women are going to understand this.
7:18
Speaker 2: I don't think a lot of men will understand this.
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Speaker 2: You should never date someone's potential. And you have to
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Speaker 2: ask yourself, do I have a history of a fixer-upper?
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Speaker 2: Am I always hopeful that I can change someone? Or
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Speaker 2: I see the potential of what you could be if
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Speaker 2: only dot, dot, dot. Do not date someone's potential ever.
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Speaker 2: You have to accept people for who they are. And
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Speaker 2: the big point is you've already had a failed relationship.
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Speaker 2: I hate to say failed, but you already had a
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Speaker 2: relationship that didn't end in forever. So remind yourself, you
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Speaker 2: don't have to settle this time around, but people sometimes
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Speaker 2: rush to that and they think he's almost perfect. I
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Speaker 2: can fix him. Do men think that about women? No,
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Speaker 2: I didn't think so.
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Speaker 1: We don't look across the bar and think, man, I
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Speaker 1: could help her.
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Speaker 2: That is....
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Speaker 1: Wow. We don't do that. Guys look and she needs
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Speaker 1: to already be good to go in our eyes. Isn't
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Speaker 1: that funny? I know exactly what you're talking about and
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Speaker 1: absolutely you're right to say what you said.
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Speaker 2: You know what? I feel like this is exactly you
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Speaker 2: and me talking about real estate because we've just started
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Speaker 2: down this path. potential part of our lives. And you
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Speaker 2: said to me, I want, I'm at an age now,
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Speaker 2: I want to walk in and say, this home is
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Speaker 2: exactly what I wanted. It's perfect. I don't need to
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Speaker 2: fix anything. And I said, I would like a project.
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Speaker 2: I would like to say, what can I do to
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Speaker 2: leave my mark on this place and make it even better?
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Speaker 2: Isn't that funny? Real estate and relationships.
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Speaker 1: I said, absolutely not. So no, That is an absolute
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Speaker 1: woman thing. And I don't know if that speaks to
9:10
Speaker 1: you all's what?
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Speaker 2: Control, our need to control. I actually think if you,
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Speaker 2: and I have to be honest here, and it's not
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Speaker 2: something I'm proud to admit, but I do think there
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Speaker 2: is a level of control because if you think you're
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Speaker 2: the reason why your partner is better than they were,
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Speaker 2: you can take credit for it. There's some attaboy there.
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Speaker 2: There's some like ownership, like, yeah, I did that. I
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Speaker 2: think it's ego. And I can say this and saying that,
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Speaker 2: knowing that I have absolutely felt that way in the past,
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Speaker 2: not proud of it when I look at it from
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Speaker 2: this perspective, but I think if we're really being honest,
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Speaker 2: that is a part of it. But women want to
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Speaker 2: be in charge. We do. Of our families, of our homes,
9:55
Speaker 2: of our lives, we want security. We want safety. Maybe
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Speaker 2: we weren't guaranteed it historically and that's was passed down
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Speaker 2: either anecdotally or biologically, but we need to feel safe
10:05
Speaker 2: and to feel safe. If we feel like we have
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Speaker 2: something that you, that we gave you or that you owe,
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Speaker 2: that we, that we're owed back from like, we feel safer.
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Speaker 2: It's totally false and ridiculous and not smart or healthy
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Speaker 2: or anything. But I do think that's what it's based in.
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Speaker 2: It's so interesting when you start to dissect it. That's
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Speaker 2: just my two cents. I could be totally wrong. But
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Speaker 2: it's also been my experience. So yes, ladies, do not
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Speaker 2: date someone's potential. They actually don't respect you for it
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Speaker 2: or feel like they owe you anything. And you are
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Speaker 2: falsely being lured into some sense of power structure that
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Speaker 2: doesn't actually exist. Would you agree?
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Speaker 1: I don't know. I've never been in that position.
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Speaker 2: You've never tried to change anybody because of what you
10:52
Speaker 2: just described.
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Speaker 1: Across the bar. For what? Yeah. Anybody out there ever
10:55
Speaker 1: tried to change a woman?
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Speaker 2: It's a fool's errand.
10:57
Speaker 1: Let me know how that went.
10:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. All right. When we come back, we're going
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Speaker 2: to tell you about the next three mistakes that you
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Speaker 2: should not make when getting back out there post-breakup. Welcome back, everyone,
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Speaker 2: to Amy and TJ. Yes, it is Relationship Saturday. We're
11:23
Speaker 2: talking about folks getting back out there into the dating
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Speaker 2: world post-breakup, post-divorce. And the fifth mistake that people make,
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Speaker 2: I get this, introducing their kids too early. So, yes,
11:40
Speaker 2: this is for many of us who are dating with
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Speaker 2: children that so many people have. so like if you
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Speaker 2: feel something for this other person, you're so excited to
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Speaker 2: blend your families, to introduce your kids. And the experts
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Speaker 2: warn that is a really big no, no, you should not.
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Speaker 2: When you think you should wait even longer. And that
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Speaker 2: makes sense.
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Speaker 1: Well, because is the thinking that's a detriment to your relationship?
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Speaker 1: Because once that happens, are you, you're making bad decisions
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Speaker 1: based on the kids in that relationship?
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Speaker 2: No, actually, this is for the kids' sake. They say
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Speaker 2: it is unhealthy for children to meet multiple short-term partners.
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Speaker 2: And oftentimes, we just get too excited about this person
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Speaker 2: who we think might be the next husband, the next wife,
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Speaker 2: and we just rush to have them meet our kids.
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Speaker 2: And our kids are the ones who suffer. So no,
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Speaker 2: this is actually a mistake That ultimately affects you because
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Speaker 2: if your kids are upset by it or your kids
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Speaker 2: are thrown by it, it's not going to be healthy
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Speaker 2: for you or for your partner going forward. And it's
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Speaker 2: always better to wait, they say, to introduce your kids
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Speaker 2: to the next person in your life. So that was interesting.
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Speaker 2: The sixth mistake that people make, sharing too much too soon.
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Speaker 2: You will lean into this. They say one of the
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Speaker 2: biggest mistakes people make post-divorce, post-breakup, is talking endlessly about
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Speaker 2: the divorce, about the breakup, about your children, about all
13:20
Speaker 2: of the heartache. Like, you focus on that almost in
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Speaker 2: a way. And especially if the other person also is
13:26
Speaker 2: coming out of a relationship, you end up talking way
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Speaker 2: too much about the past.
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Speaker 1: Okay.
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Speaker 2: It can drag you down.
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Speaker 1: Whoops. There's a mistake you make in your dating life.
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Speaker 1: It could turn somebody else off. Okay, that makes sense.
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Speaker 1: Nobody wants to hear all that.
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Speaker 2: And they say like, of course, be honest about the
13:44
Speaker 2: divorce or the breakup if it was fresh. Because we've
13:49
Speaker 2: seen this on all of our dating shows. If someone
13:51
Speaker 2: goes on a dating show and broke up with their
13:54
Speaker 2: boyfriend or girlfriend two weeks before, it can cause problems
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Speaker 2: if the next person finds out that you have just,
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Speaker 2: you're fresh off a divorce or you're fresh off a breakup.
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Speaker 2: that never sits well with somebody who actually is seriously
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Speaker 2: interested in dating you. True. Um, but they say, obviously
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Speaker 2: you don't need to share the details in any point,
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Speaker 2: but they say the thing to do in turn is
14:21
Speaker 2: to ask plenty of questions about them and don't, you
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Speaker 2: don't feel, you don't feel the need to share or
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Speaker 2: overshare about your relationship status. And the last mistake that
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Speaker 2: experts say people make when they get back out in
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Speaker 2: a field, too much focus on whether your date likes you.
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Speaker 2: I don't think you're going to understand this. I think
14:43
Speaker 2: this is for the women, but tell me if I'm wrong.
14:48
Speaker 2: I was actually thinking about this when I looked at this,
14:50
Speaker 2: that you would be like, what are you talking about? Women,
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Speaker 2: I believe so many of us will date someone that
14:58
Speaker 2: we think likes us. So date someone you like rather
15:03
Speaker 2: than focusing on whether or not they like you. And
15:06
Speaker 2: don't present yourself as someone you think they will like
15:11
Speaker 2: rather than being your authentic self. They say that most women,
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Speaker 2: a lot of women, try to get their date to
15:18
Speaker 2: like them without fully considering whether or not they actually
15:22
Speaker 2: like their date. It's again, it's power, it's ego. I
15:26
Speaker 2: care more about feeling loved or feeling liked then I
15:31
Speaker 2: am actually considering liking or loving someone else. Does that
15:35
Speaker 2: register at all with you?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes sense. That's unfortunately, and you just tagged
15:42
Speaker 1: it on a younger generation, if you will. But it's
15:47
Speaker 1: a mindset of I need to be adored. I need
15:50
Speaker 1: to be liked. I need to be loved no matter what.
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Speaker 1: No matter what. And so, no, that's a, I'm not
15:58
Speaker 1: surprised by that. I don't know. It's unfortunate, babe, that
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Speaker 1: you're seeking adoration.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: And sometimes you don't care where you're getting it. Can
16:20
Speaker 1: you imagine being in a relationship with somebody that you
16:23
Speaker 1: actually don't care about, you actually don't love, and the
16:25
Speaker 1: only thing you care about is the fact that they
16:28
Speaker 1: do like you?
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Speaker 2: Awesome.
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Speaker 1: Bro that's a tough way to live.
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Speaker 2: It is. And I think if a lot of people
16:36
Speaker 2: are honest, that might be a choice you made without
16:40
Speaker 2: realizing that's why you made it. And it's really interesting
16:45
Speaker 2: when you see it put like that, you have to
16:47
Speaker 2: take a step back. So yeah, I did think that
16:50
Speaker 2: was so interesting that the number, like the last mistake,
16:54
Speaker 2: and they wanted this to be a focus was whether
16:56
Speaker 2: or not you actually like that person or love that person,
17:01
Speaker 2: or do you just like how they make you feel?
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Speaker 1: Aren't those scenarios? We've heard them before. I've certainly heard
17:07
Speaker 1: them in movies before, right? But yeah, but he loves
17:10
Speaker 1: me so much, right? Almost people are even disappointed sometimes
17:14
Speaker 1: that they don't love that person.
17:17
Speaker 2: I think it's really common.
17:19
Speaker 1: Right? And people, I'm sure you could probably got some
17:23
Speaker 1: in your head already that we have known folks like
17:26
Speaker 1: that and been around those scenarios that you're just... Like
17:29
Speaker 1: you can't believe it, but you just can't get out
17:32
Speaker 1: of it. But it's such a nice prayer. Where am
17:34
Speaker 1: I going to find somebody better? Who's ever going to
17:36
Speaker 1: love me better than that? All those things get tied
17:39
Speaker 1: into what you're saying.
17:40
Speaker 2: It's so true. We watch, as we pointed out, a
17:42
Speaker 2: lot of these relationship from Love Island to Married at
17:46
Speaker 2: First Sight to 90 Day Fiance. And we do hear
17:48
Speaker 2: a lot of people repeat this phrase. I want to be.
17:54
Speaker 2: I want to be adored. I want you to worship me.
17:57
Speaker 2: Like I deserve this. And there are plenty of women,
18:02
Speaker 2: I think more so than men, but maybe men too,
18:04
Speaker 2: who say what I need is to be worshiped. I
18:07
Speaker 2: need you to love me no matter what. And that
18:12
Speaker 2: actually isn't love. And so this is so interesting when
18:15
Speaker 2: you start to learn some lessons from a relationship that
18:19
Speaker 2: didn't work. The big point is to not fall into
18:22
Speaker 2: some of those same patterns when you're trying to find
18:25
Speaker 2: a relationship that actually will work. So I thought this
18:28
Speaker 2: was a fun way to kind of just, yeah, to
18:30
Speaker 2: examine what's next and how to do better next time.
18:33
Speaker 2: But we always appreciate you listening to us, everyone. I'm
18:36
Speaker 2: Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes. We'll talk soon.