Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Everybody Wants Your Life — But Nobody Knows The Truth | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep460

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Everybody Wants Your Life — But Nobody Knows The Truth | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep460 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why is a successful men's struggle in marriage at home?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Carrying the load, manipulation, boundaries, and covert contracts.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: The emergency poop story.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Erectile dysfunction.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why is a successful men's struggle in marriage at home, in other words, the private life, not matching what people see in public?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: This topic is coming up and up and up.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, if you haven't noticed, a lot of the content is geared towards a lot of our clients where they can't necessarily let the world see what's going on at home because their reputation depends on it or uh their status.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me everything.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't leave anything out.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, when we were when we lived in Canada still, we had a business that had been in existence for like what, 20 years or so.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: You were in the fitness industry.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so I married into the business.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so, and I knew a lot of people in the city.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so we had this fake marriage with this business that allowed us to be in contact with so many people that we had a facade that we had to keep up.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Or so it felt.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Felt like we had a facade to keep up.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: And then obviously, once we had some healing, we told everybody, and people probably didn't believe us because that's what you have to do.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: You you're so successful in life and you're successful in business, and then nobody, first of all, you don't want to tell anybody how bad it is at home, but they also don't, they probably won't even believe you because they're like, oh yeah, sure.
• 1:25
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's like what happened with us at least.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's true.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um there's a few reasons why I wanted to talk about this today because I think it's a lot more predominant than people actually really understand.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one of the reasons is by the way, you you look ripped when you're talking there.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, did I?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I see all your pipes.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh yeah, check out if you're on YouTube, look at the look at those pipes.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa, look at that.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Look at that.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so we have all these people, they come to us and they can't so for example, a really easy example that you can probably understand would be a pastor.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they don't want the congregation to know what's going on with their marriage, they have this image to uphold because they're trying to keep the church together.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, other examples are very successful.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is also women, guys, it's just it's more common for us to see it with men.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um very successful men, they built empires, uh, but the kingdom doesn't exactly match match the, I guess the castle doesn't match the kingdom.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh in other words, everybody thinks he's this great leader, and he's embarrassed, he's ashamed.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: He it in fact, I even wrote a song about it.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's not out yet, but it's called Everybody Wants My Life, and it's like it's about this guy who just like everybody wants it, but like Nobody knows what it's truly like.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's everybody wants the toys and the pretty wife and the beautiful children and the good job and the big paycheck, the big house.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody knows how hard it is behind the doors of that big house with that pretty wife.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and so I wanted to bring it up as well because also I Katherine was doing some master's work last night, and I just felt like watching a movie.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I watched this really lame movie, but it was this rich guy constantly telling his wife about how shitty she was.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: She picked the wrong earrings for the shape of her face, and like going on and on, always throwing in her face where he uh picked her up from, where he found her, and she was like the slum bartender, you know.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that's probably the common, although I'm sure it's very common.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you know, it's not really the point.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: The point is that the the question of why do we have all success in real life, but we don't have it in the home is simple.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, you weren't taught.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we've talked about this a lot, it's the role models that you have in your life, especially because a lot of very successful men and women who build a massive career, business, empire, whatever, you're coming from nothing.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're focused on learning how to do that.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're so narrowly focused your whole life on what you have to build that you'll even justify, you know, this is the goals that we have.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so for example, well, um, a common one we see all the time is well, we wanted to buy a new house, so I had to work more, right?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you even see this with people working two or three jobs.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, you're just not successful if you're working two or three jobs.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you just have to get real with yourself.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not to put you down.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you're working hard, but it's not going to get you somewhere.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine taught me that very early on.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You were like, if you want the gym to do better, maybe you should just focus all your energy on the gym.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, anytime we've ever been distracted, you've we've proven that right.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Every time we take on a new endeavor, which is even under the umbrella of our own business, it turns out to be a distraction, and then we're less successful at the thing that we know works.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: We actually just paid Alex Ramosy a very big lump sum.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh six figures.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, to get him to coach us.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: We is a strong word.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: He paid Alex Ramosy that money.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: No, I would I agreed to it, but it's a lot of money, guys.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: That was one of the reasons why was he was talking about distractions.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you make a certain amount of money, it's all patterns.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you're stuck.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And okay, so this is the thing.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: If we apply this back home, we didn't A, spend enough time learning the right skills like we did, and we've proven in the real world.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: That could be how you have uh charismatic behavior, how charismatic you are when you speak to people, how they see you, how you present.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: People learn to present something, which isn't always fake.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's just when you have nothing left over, you bring something home that is the leftovers.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we call it leftovers.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And most people don't want the leftovers.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: If they do, it's for one day, and after that, marriages for a lifetime.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't work.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so we start to think number one.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I want the first helping of my husband.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: The only helping, actually.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm taking all of it.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing is it's fresh servings every single day.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so unlimited supply.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Unlimited supply.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so if you first understand, we weren't trained, we had poor role models, okay?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one of the things that I want to really stress here is a line that I use all the time.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: You never hear the person that came from the trailer park, this is you, if you're successful and you don't have it at life.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: You don't talk about the life you the shitty life you grew up in.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: You talk about how you got to where you are.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: You talk about all the things that you learned to be where you are today.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the first thing.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why you don't have the same life at home?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's why we stop people.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: You've heard us, if you're if you're an avid listener, we stop people when they start going down the rabbit hole of their story and their excuses because you don't hear us.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: We do tell you our story, but mostly we're telling you the things that we did to avoid staying in our story, and so that's why we do it to you guys.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's exactly what he's describing.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: We actually practice what we teach.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so once you start learning, you forget to apply the exact same lesson you learned in your real world, your career, your business at home.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: You talk about all the shit that hurts you, all the negativity.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't have the same life because it's impossible to create positive from negative.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, when you did this with business, you focused on the solution, okay?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And don't tell me, well, it was just me, because it was not just you.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: It never is just you.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Where did you read?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Where did you learn?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Which coach did you hire?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Which uh podcast did you listen to?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Which person in the field that gave you feedback?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you were talking about solutions.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I remember clearly talking to one man and trying to help me go to the gym, and I was like, try that, try that, try that, try that.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And about the sixth or seventh time we're having lunch, and he's like, Well, if you tried everything, man, why are we even having lunch?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you don't do that in business, and so why do we say I tried everything?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: So there's point number three.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: You try everything at home.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: No, you don't.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, you treat people differently in the real world because we already know you're too tired and exhausted, justifying and defending why you can't give everything you need at home.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so now it's not just a lack of skills, now it's like you're defending yourself and justifying why your lack of skills doesn't matter, and this is where it comes to be dangerous.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's when you start to blame your partner, right?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So many people, this comes up all the time with the finances, like the life that I give, the life that I provide.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is male or female, by the way, okay?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's just more commonly male.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you're talking about all the things that you do.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: So now we then start to go to that fourth, which is blaming.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Blaming them, who also they did not have the skills.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine came up with a great upbringing, decently, as far as we look at parenting and how things go, is good, okay?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And she still says she lacks skills and she had to learn a lot.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Mostly because I was a fucking basket case.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: But also, even though I grew up in a good home, quote unquote good, right?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like comparatively, I grew up in the best home.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have anything to complain about to most standards.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: However, I never saw conflict in my home.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: You guys might think, oh, that's so wonderful.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if I never saw conflict, how would I learn how to manage conflict?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: How would I yes, I learned to run away from conflict.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so even though I had a better upbringing than Cass did, Cass had a very traumatic upbringing.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: We both learned different things, and they those things did not go together, and that's what's gonna happen with you and your wife or your husband.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: No matter how you grew up, it wasn't perfect.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Now we'd like to change that, not to make it perfect, but we'd like to change it so that young people are learning how to navigate relationships, conflict, all these things.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's another topic.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: But the point is if you can wrap your head around these things, you can let go of a lot of the guilt and the shame that you feel.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about how you dove into work, if you dove into the relationships, if you dropped everything, uh like the phone for that client, for example, you know, like we we treat the real world differently until we understand this.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And guys, even as we're rebuilding our marriage, when we were rebuilding our marriage, we had to learn a lot of this also because it's easy to drift with everything you're building.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And part of it, Catherine wasn't really involved, then she got more involved, then she got more involved, now she's heavily involved, whatever, right?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Guiding and and leading with different strengths and whatever.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: But like the thing is, it's always a balance of prioritizing what's real, what's real life and what's not.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was just reminded, like, we went to the fireworks 4th of July.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Dennis, our president, his wife joined us with a couple other couples.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And Dennis, like, we had this hard rule where we don't, when we're when we're all together, we're not talking business, okay, as much as possible.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I say hard rule very loosely.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but Dennis We try, let's put it that way.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Dennis like snuck in because he wants to publish his book, maybe not through the publishing company, but kind of go through a different way.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Oh, that's really cool.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like you learned a lot.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then I navigated it away to something different because that's exactly what will happen if we uh that's not I skipped a thought.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So exactly what will happen is that you start to create a rift, right?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: So he's talking about that with me.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: He's probably already had that conversation with his wife, she's out there to have a good time, and all of a sudden, he starts to care more about what needs to be done with the real world and less about what she needs, and he'll he'll justify it.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you were on board with that before.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: You support it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that's by the way, another real reason why I think people have major success in the real world, but publicly it's great, but not private.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Is that once we're pardon me?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Assumptions.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Assumptions, yes.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Go on.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you were okay with it before.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's no different than saying, you know, I'm gonna take care of the kids, and it's gonna be I'm gonna be barefoot and pregnant, and I'm gonna love my children, and it's gonna be beautiful, and you're gonna go to work and you're gonna come home at 5 p.m.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: and I'm gonna hand you your whiskey and your whatever, and then we're gonna have sex and go to bed.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's a nice little picture I just needed, right?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Is that what your life looks like?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: No, your kids.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: I just I was picturing like in an apron, literally barefoot and pregnant in the twenties.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pretty sure they drank of whiskey back then.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, that you like you think, you picture this beautiful thing, and then real life starts, and your ch children are vomiting on you, real vomit and verbal vomit, and they're mistreating you, and he's at work and he's being mistreated.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: You come home, she wants you to take care of the kids, she just wants to be with you, or she doesn't want to be with anybody.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: You you drink way too much whiskey, and then you don't have sex, and you might not even go to bed.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it turns into because you had the assumption that she's gonna take care of the kids, I'm gonna go to work, it's gonna be this beautiful life, but then real life kicks in and you're like, oh shit, what do we do when a wrench is thrown in?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: So it's the same thing when, oh well, you were on board with me to with me publishing my book.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know that I have a deadline.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Then this is just theoretical, a real example, but a theoretical explanation.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: I thought you were on my team.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I thought you wanted to do this.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if you want to do this, then we have to do this.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's the assumption that she's still okay with it when it becomes to be too much because you haven't had a damn conversation about where you are now.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Which leads us to the I think the most uh basic but uh easiest to miss the thing that's causing the problem with uh your private life versus your public life, is you enable the things that you don't want in your private life.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: So in familiarity, greeds, contempt.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Contempt.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: So like if you think about it, when work happens and something like you address the issue.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: When that client has a need, you address the issue.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And what we do.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And what we do at home is we enable it.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: So we would say, let's say, um, you did have too many whiskeys, she didn't want to have anything to do with you, and so you stop initiating conversation, hugs, sex, whatever, okay, and then that becomes more of a norm.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: So all of these normal behaviors that you're used to, also things that you don't want or don't like, we don't have because we don't have them.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like in the real world, we get what we want.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's respect, there's adoration.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: People come to you and they ask, How do you have that life?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody wants your life, the song I wrote.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they're not wrong to feel that way because it's the life that you present, because you don't have anybody you can talk to.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's why sometimes we have to do NDAs and stuff.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like you you have to understand, like with our clients.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: With our clients, yeah.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: We I get it, but the reality is until you face it, you're going to stay stuck and you'll never match your private life to your public life.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And one day it will backfire.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because one thing that um we definitely notice is if we well, I'm not gonna try to scare you, just think about it really real though.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't solve the problem, what do you think will happen?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: The public will know about your divorce because you'll be fucking divorced.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, duh.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: So what are you what are you afraid of now?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So go get help.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Go learn.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.