Latest / Intentional Guy / If Your Son Was Struggling With Porn, Would He Tell You? | Chris Rogers

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If Your Son Was Struggling With Porn, Would He Tell You? | Chris Rogers · Intentional Guy

• Michael Chestnut: Hey guys, welcome back to the intentional guy. You can see I've got Chris Rogers on screen with me today. And I'll tell you up front, we're talking about pornography, specifically how to help our son fight a battle a lot of us all know too well. So if you got young ears in the car, this might be one to save for later. But here's the question that made me book this conversation. If your son was struggling with this, would he tell you? Would he even know he could? Because most of us grew up in homes where nobody talked about this stuff. So we learned to hide it. Now our kids are carrying a phone with more temptation in their pocket than we ever had access to. And most of us aren't even sure on how to say a single word about this. So Chris has been on both sides of this. He spent his career working with teenagers and he's walked his own road of recovery. And Chris. Chris is not here to shame anybody. He's here to help us open a door most families keep shut. So Chris, welcome to the show today, brother. I am glad to have you here and to be talking on this conversation. Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah, absolutely. I know we were just chatting a little bit before we were recording, but sincerely I'm I'm really looking forward and thank you very much for Michael Chestnut: Well man, if you if you don't mind, let's just dive into your story because there's always our calling comes from our own experience as well. So would you mind sharing some of that with us? Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah, no doubt. So, you know, for all those listening, you know, my name is Chris Rogers. I'm from Long Island, New York, born and raised. And yeah, like Michael was saying, you know, for most of my professional career I was working as a teacher. You know, I was working as a music teacher in Manhattan for a long time. It's a extension of who I am, big part of, you know, what's important to me. But behind closed doors, like so many of us, I was struggling with life and coping in an unhealthy way, you know. I thank God was never enveloped in the world of alcoholism. I never had a dependency on a substance, but my vice of choice just so happened to be pornography. And just you know, the the word itself can sort of like rub people the wrong way or just kind of there's a stigma around it, let's call it what it is, right? So I first stumbled upon it, you know, statistically speaking, I was a bit of a late bloomer. I was about fourteen, right on the family computer, what started off as innocent curiosity. Like what is this? What's going on? Like I said, just so happened to stumble into behaviors that have proven to be unhealthy for me. To make a long story short, when it comes to the thing, you name the thing, I've done the thing. And I'ma let your imagination fill in the blanks. I've been there, okay? Michael Chestnut: Yeah. Chris - Rebooted Teen: And, you know, down the line, I eventually found a program and found a system that absolutely met me where I was at after trying to willpower my way through my own recovery process, white knuckling it and just You know, really just my form of recovery was just beating myself up until I got to where I wanted to be, you know? Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: And if I fell, it's like I was at level one of the video game, all over again, starting from scratch, you know, really low self-esteem. But in the middle of the pandemic, I found a program that really spoke to me and now I work alongside them. I'll shout out. The company's called Elevated Recovery. And what I do today, you know, I became so Immersed in that community, now I do this professionally. Like I coach men full-time that are high-performing professionals and struggle with an out-of-control behavior behind closed doors. But given my specialty and my experience with working with students in middle school and high school, that's my jam. Like that's my demographic. These are my homies, right? Like I Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: I I know how to interact with this kind of community without patronizing, without pandering, you know, just given my experience level. I'm able to combine both of those worlds, being able to combine the teaching hats with the recovery hats and blend them together into without trying to be over the top, what I sincerely consider my Magnum Opus, which is a program that I built called Rebooted Teen. And I'm sure we'll talk about that, you know, eventually. But yeah, that's that's a little bit of where I come from. Michael Chestnut: Well and Like I said in the opening, it's man, it's a difficult conversation, right? It's a difficult conversation. And, as a parent, we have to be cognizant that in today's world, our teenager boy, our teenage sons, they are enamored with this. I mean, the algorithms hit them, the curiosity. So we're just fooling ourselves. if we don't think that. But let me ask you, if we think our son's having a problem with this, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'll be honest with you. I know where to talk to men and I can do that, but with with a young person and dealing with puberty and shame, and who wants to talk to your dad about this? I mean really. So how how does how does a dad approach this? Chris - Rebooted Teen: I there's certainly not one singular approach, but I think you really hit it on the head. I mean, a and let's also call it what it is, you know, odds are pretty high that, you know, if you're a man in the 21st century, odds are high that you have some sort of history to sexually compulsive behaviors yourself. And when you notice your son dealing with something similar, you suspect that they are, it can feel a little troubling, completely understandable. Where your method kind of goes from, you know, do as I say and not as I do, you know? So Michael Chestnut: Right. Chris - Rebooted Teen: it it can be very common to feel a bit of like a hypocrite, you know? But ultimately, what can you do? You're not a mentor, share with me something that always sticks with me. And the phrase is you can't protect a heart that you haven't reached. And Michael Chestnut: Mm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: truly, I mean, like you said, you know, if someone you're talking to is 27. You know, you'll be able to maybe have a more sort of rationale-based conversation, like, okay, do this, here's what you can do, call me if you need anything. But if the person you're interacting with is 10, we have to understand that they're not ready for that type of conversation yet. All a child wants to know is am I safe and can I trust you? It will look like various things, but at the end of the day, all you can do As a father or a guardian, like if you have a young person in your life that you suspect is struggling with a sexually compulsive behavior, before we get into the nuance of exercises and tools and coping strategies, we'll get there. But the priority of the matter is answering those questions. Am I safe and can I trust you? I mean, we'll dive into the nuance, but the heart of the matter is starting right there. I mean, one other thing to keep in mind. And I say this to parents all the time. If you lead with shame, they will stay the same. I remember, Michael Chestnut: good. Chris - Rebooted Teen: you know, I I remember when I was a kid and and my parents, God bless them, you know, with all the best intentions, unfortunately, it's very common to kind of lead with the approach of like, This is not how I raised you, you know, how could you watch this filth? You know, what do you think you're doing? Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: But and you mentioned this in your intro, and I totally agree. Through that type of conversation. I mean, consider it from the child's shoes, right? There's this hide and lie dynamic that's sort of formed. Where it's like, okay, mom or dad says that this is bad, but this makes me feel good. Like it makes me feel excited. It makes me feel not alone, whatever it happens to be. So if this is bad and I like it, therefore I must be bad. Therefore, Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: a seed of shame is planted, you know? So Okay, I guess I won't talk about this then, you know? So the name of the game is curiosity, you know? Like I want to Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: encourage others out there, and this is where I can possibly help, to get in the habit of simply asking questions. Because it's not like our behaviors fall from the sky. They don't come out of nowhere. Michael Chestnut: Right. Chris - Rebooted Teen: So even if, like, yeah, there's there's things about pornography that are questionable at least and controversial at worst. It's, you know, what leads you there? Like what do you get out of this? What are you looking for? Like beginning those types of conversations to hopefully build up the skills to have your child in a way kind of become an expert at themselves with enough practice in asking questions. You're training your child to get curious about their own behaviors. You follow through with a lesson that again, my behaviors don't just poof, like magic, like like the feeling will oftentimes inform the behavior. So really getting curious about that and leading with a shame-free, am I safe and can I trust you attitude is truly the place to start. Michael Chestnut: And I like that because knowing this, dealing with adult men, pornography is usually the symptom of something else. And the pornography is is feeding something else, whether it's past traumas, loneliness, depression, who there's just there's lots of different things that it's a symptom of, right? So I always say you gotta know your kid. no one should know your kid better than you. But the truth is our kids also know how to hide things from us really well. As, we we're just good at that as kids. So let me ask you, what are some red flags maybe that a parent should watch for to see if their kid is involved in something like this? Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah, you know, I I like to break it down into three basic categories. Like if you're kinda sniffing suspicion somewhere, like if you have an inkling that something might be going on, I like to break it down to three categories. There's social, technological, and behavioral. So technological might be the most obvious. Like, do you notice like a newfound sense of secrecy when it comes to their device usage, whether they have a phone or an iPad or something? Don't look at my stuff. you know, don't touch my iPad, don't look at this, you know. It's just it it doesn't automatically mean that all the red flags should be, you know, thrown out, you know, or all the alarms should be set off. It's just an invitation or an opportunity to implement a conversation. So all these Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: quote unquote red flags to look out for, they're not a cause for panic, anxiety, or emergency. Again, it's an opportunity to open up a line of dialogue. That's all this is. So technological, do you notice on their device, which by the way, little side rant here, be aware of what your children are downloading. Like I'm a big advocate for if you purchase a device for your child, opening up, giving it to them, like, okay, I'm going to give this to you, but make no mistake, this is mine. This Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. I I I like that you said that because that is one of the advice I give to kid to parents. But the problem is, I'm getting I'm talking to parents when it's too late. So hopefully you're listening to this before we get to this stage. And I'm I believe a lot of parents want to be their kids' friend. And that's down the road. That's not right now. Right now, I got to be their parent. And right now. I like what you said. This is mine that I'm letting you borrow. Therefore, I and we have to understand the phone today has more stuff than it had five years ago. In Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yes. Michael Chestnut: just five years, the changes are astronomical. The Chris - Rebooted Teen: Mm-hmm. Michael Chestnut: apps are so dangerous now. So, you know what? If that means childproofing your child's phone and they can't download an app without your permission. Okay, are they gonna like it? No. Should you really care? No, not really, because it comes back to what you said, because I think it's they want to feel safe and keep and do you trust them, right? And I think it's our job to say, I'm not doing this because I don't trust you. I'm doing this because I don't trust what's out there. And it's my job to keep you safe. Simple lying. That's all it is. So it can go back to those two things that you said adolescents are looking for. And we're just Chris - Rebooted Teen: Mm-hmm. Michael Chestnut: providing that. That's our job. Provide the safety. And then trust. It's not because I we can shame him. I no, I'm not doing this because I don't trust you. I don't trust what the manufacturers and the people with these apps are doing because they're targeting young people. Nothing to do with you. Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah, I can totally go off on that. And like, you know, it's like I don't trust what's out there, but also I value your well-being enough to place a boundary. You know, it's like Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: and I talk about this with clients all the time. Like there's like a bit of a you know, a misconception when it comes to boundaries. So if I'm talking to a client like, all right, you know, you know, what are your boundaries? And they'll say, Okay, no bringing my phone into bed, no eating. Past 11 p.m., no staying up late, no this, no that, I don't do this, I don't do that. It's like, okay. Here's the thing about boundaries, right? It's n the primary purpose, or the only purpose I should say, it's not just to keep the bad stuff out. It's also to protect what you deem important. It's to keep, you know, protected like the things that you value. It's kinda like Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: like the you know, the analogy I give, it's kinda like a gamble bowling. Right? It's like, yeah, they'll keep you out of the bumpers, but they're set in place to make the thing that you're aiming for easier to hit. That's the point of boundaries. So it's like, you know, I'm enacting this boundary to, yeah, keep the bad stuff out, but also protect your well-being. To also protect you from, you know, getting lost into too much screen time. You know, I'm I'm putting this because I love you, you know? Michael Chestnut: Yes. Chris - Rebooted Teen: So that's a little thing about boundaries. But but real quick, so there's the technological Cues to look out for. some of the social cues, you know, if you notice a change in your child's demeanor, particularly when it comes to conversations around relationships or conversations if the sex talk happens to come up, you know, or about friendships or about authority figures, whatever, do you notice like this newfound sense of cynicism? You know, it's just something to just keep an eye out for. It's like, huh. That's a little bit different. Which, by the way, again, doesn't mean all the alarms should be set off, because as part of your child's cognitive development, you know, questioning authority is really just trying to find where the boundaries are. Again, am I safe and who can I trust? That's all it looks very it looks different in different ways. I'm not saying tolerate disrespect, but I'm trying to say that's where that is coming from. Yeah, so social and behavioral, you know, beyond the obvious of, you know, acting out, you know, again, just just is there a new sense of anxiety? Is this this newfound sense of isolation? Is this newfound sense of is there a switch? Like that's really what to look for. All these, just to really pin this home. I know I'm a broken record, but just to really drive it home because With when I get the opportunity to speak to a parent, it's like they see one, it's like, no, here it is. It's time. It's like, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's your child. Okay. All these signs that I'm putting out are just an opportunity to enact a conversation where curiosity is king. It's a matter of you being that safe and trusted adult that perhaps you wish you had. But mostly Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: what this child needs. So as far as red flags and things to look out for, those are just, you know, the first few that come to mind. Michael Chestnut: Well and and those are great because I I liked what you said there too. Just because you see red flags doesn't necessarily mean that's happening too, because God did not create a stranger creature than a junior high boy. Okay. So it could be a number of different things, right? So we don't have to automatically go to the worst scenario, but even too If you do find that your kids involved in this, to me, that's great that you caught it, right? Chris - Rebooted Teen: Mm-hmm. Michael Chestnut: Because it now that you're aware of it, you can do something about it, right? But it's very careful on how you deal with it because teenagers are notorious for shutting down quickly. Teenagers, there's a maturity issue. Sometimes they're not, they're just not at that maturity level where they're able able to face it. So I I agree with what you said. Let's not go at it with shame and shaming them because all that's gonna do is r reinforce probably what's feeding the desire to watch this, right? Chris - Rebooted Teen: yeah. Michael Chestnut: So we got to be careful with that. And and my thing is this. You don't have to be the one to fix it. Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah. Michael Chestnut: it it it might be, you know what, I might need listen me and you're gonna go talk to your youth pastor right now about this, right? Or there's a person like you that they say, I'm gonna we're gonna get you a a a coach on this, correct? Or they go to rebooted team.com, get the free resource, parent resource that you've got, fill it out, and ask. how do I go about this? Right. Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah. Michael Chestnut: the one thing that I've learned in helping men, and I think it's true with our kids too, it's not my job to fix them. It's God's. I can't fix anybody. And I'm Chris - Rebooted Teen: Okay. So Michael Chestnut: not going to be able to fix my child. What I'm going to end up doing is probably casting more shame on them. And I also know this with raising two teenagers that the more I preach at them, the more they want to do the opposite of what I'm saying to do. It's it's kind of a Natural born rebellion, right? So a lot of times I'll have parents reach out. I I've had a couple boys, teenage boys I've worked with, and their parents said nothing different than what I said, but because it was coming from me, it was different. Chris - Rebooted Teen: Right, right. It's a tough pill, you know, it's a real tough Michael Chestnut: It is. Chris - Rebooted Teen: pill to swallow and Here's the thing, you know, I like to think of, you know, when I was a kid, like I was a big like theater guy, you know, little story. Like my parents Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: met, you know, doing a production of Grease and they were Danny Zuko and Sandy, so that's how they met. So I was kind of, you know, out of the womb singing and dancing, right? so that was a big part of my life. I like to think of in the most ideal circumstance, like there's this image that I that kind of excites me, where the home Is kind like the rehearsal room. And I say it that way because I mean we alluded to this a little bit earlier, but the technology, man, it it it's not. I remember how big of a deal it was when I was in middle school making my first MySpace account. Like that was that was when social Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: media, this is pre-Facebook, YouTube was a new thing. This is my first exposure to social media, and I remember how much of a cultural moment that was for my generation. Now, I mean, it's a it's a whole different ballgame. So we're talking about a generation that, first of all, does not know what life is like before social media. Like, like, take that in for a second. Like how ubiquitous Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: and just like, you know, omnipresent that influence is. You know, we're talking about a generation that doesn't know what life is like without that, you know, sort of this expectation to be. A performer on this virtual stage when you're st it's like being thrust into a boss level when you're still learning the controls of the game. You know? So understand that these are where these children are coming from. But getting back to the rehearsal room, having been so used to being a performer on this worldwide virtual stage, the rehearsal room is where you can ask questions. The rehearsal room is where you can. Make mistakes. I mean, you have all your different directors with a different area of expertise. You got your music director, you got your stage manager, you got your choreographer, your drama director, right? You got all these different people, again, in an ideal healthy circumstance, that are there to help you perform better. They're there to help you give you the tips and tools and techniques to perform the show of your life better. But here's the thing. The rehearsal room is not the performance space. You can mess up and laugh about it. Like it's part of the process where everyone together, with their experience, with their areas of expertise, we're all there to build something. It's a collaborative effort. You're on the same team. This is why I say, you know, when it comes to these types of conversations, keep this in mind. Write it down somewhere. It's not just you versus your child. It's again Michael Chestnut: Right. Chris - Rebooted Teen: you and your child together versus the problem. That's Michael Chestnut: Yes. Chris - Rebooted Teen: what it is. So that again, with all the work that's done at home, it's kind of home-based. Literally, when it is time to perform, to do what your child does, they are prepared. You know, they've done the work, they've learned the choreography, they know their lines, you know, they know the songs, whatever it is, they're prepared. So Michael Chestnut: When I Chris - Rebooted Teen: Really sorry, yeah. Michael Chestnut: I think it goes back to what you said too earlier that we value them and I think a lot of times our kids don't know how valued they are by us. And I think communicating that Chris - Rebooted Teen: my gosh. mean when you talk about, you know Yeah. I was saying, like, you know, especially with the influence of social media where it's this constant state of FOMO and looking over your neighbor's fence, you know, it's we're constantly reminded of what we don't have. We're constantly Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: reminded of what we're not doing. And again, my heart goes out to this generation. And when I say this generation, I'm literally talking about the People that are probably in middle school and high school right now. Okay? A generation that is more stimulated than ever, a generation that is highly more anxious than ever. Like there was a stat that was came out last year, like more than 61% of Gen Z has been diagnosed with some sort of anxiety disorder. That's not good. Something's going on, you know? And with the omnipresence of, you know, smart technology, iPads, smartphones, whatever. It's no wonder that you know children are being exposed to porn at a younger and younger age. You Michael Chestnut: yeah. Chris - Rebooted Teen: know? So there there's there's a lot to be said as far as a child simply not knowing. Again, it it might seem like once you've matured and you had some life experience and you have that breakthrough moment, it's like, yes, I am valuable. Like I have been built with, you know, not of a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. But the Truth is, that's a lesson that needs to be taught. You know, that that needs to Michael Chestnut: one hundred. Chris - Rebooted Teen: be demonstrated, you know. So that's that's really what the mission is. Michael Chestnut: W 100% because we we will tell our spouse we love you. We make sure that our spouse knows, I I value you, we we make sure to commit to that intimacy with them, right? And then with our children, sometimes we do the opposite as men. We got that masculinity thing. And I have been so thankful to watch some men who are very masculine men, but who make Sure, their family understands their value structure. And their value structure is this: I only value first what God thinks of me. Chris - Rebooted Teen: Mm-hmm. Michael Chestnut: But then social media, I don't care what everyone on there thinks of me. What I care about who who values me and what they think of me is your mother and you guys. That is important to me. So I'm not living a fake life. On social media, because we have a lot of people who are living total hypocrisy because social media has enamored that into us. And so we have this generation. No wonder the percent rate is what you said, because who can live up to those pedestals that we're having to try to measure ourselves up on on social media? And I cannot imagine in three years from now how worse that. is going to be. Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah, and and it really calls to mind, you know, just the simple yet profound value of conversation, particularly about that lesson. You know, you're you're built, you know, to connect. You're you're built with a purpose. You're you're you're you know what I used to tell my students? It's like, you know, using the word perfection kind of like, you know, tickles my ear because one Taking it to the personal for a moment, I 100% know what that's like. Even pre social media, right? I mean, we all remember the feeling of where do I fit in? Who's my clique? Who can I trust in the high school cafeteria? But Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: now you take that type of state and multiply up at about a thousand million jillion fillion, like that's what we got going on. But not to be completely hyperbolic. This is, you know, a conversation like this is so valuable. And again, I I'm really appreciative that we connected, but it really is like a drop in the ocean, you know. But what I Michael Chestnut: yeah. Chris - Rebooted Teen: used to tell my kids on that thing of perfection, I was a music teacher, right? So let's say, you know, someone was struggling with trying to sing a song well or whatever. They were concerned about their voice cracking or whatever. So I would tell them, okay, you ever see a show on TV or a clip on YouTube or something of, you know A show like American Idol or you know, America's Got Talent or the Voice or whatever. And they were like, Yeah, I've heard of that. It was like, Okay, cool. You ever see somebody on stage just like singing a song, and all of a sudden they just get so wrapped up in it, they just start crying. Just start getting really emotional and start crying. And some might say, Yeah, I I've seen something like that before. I'm like, Okay, cool. So for all intents and purposes, they're not sounding very good. Their voice is cracking, they're straining, maybe they're So lost in emotion that they like forget the words or whatever. But you notice how the audience is responding. They're all on their feet going like this, no one's like, boo. And I'm like, why do you think that is? The lesson that I would oftentimes tell my kids is it's this innate human thing that despite what you might see on social media or movies or whatever, people would rather see something real than something. Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: There's just Michael Chestnut: Yeah. Chris - Rebooted Teen: this innate yearning for authenticity. You know, and then I would say, like, all right, you know, you ever see like a, you know, a comedy movie, right? Like the movie itself is hilarious, you know, but then oftentimes with many comedy movies, what happens at the end of the movie? There's the bloopers where all the actors are like, you know, there to work on this particular movie and they're making stuff up. They're messing up their lines, and for one reason or another, We enjoy that almost so much more. Why? There's just this human thing. People would Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: rather see something real than something perfect. So not to be totally cliche and corny, but you know, I really think that there is such, you know, realness in just the end of the sentiment of being yourself. Because I think in a generation that's growing up in the age of AI of quote unquote fake news, again from that state of what's real, who can I trust, there's a generation that is thirsty for that sense of authenticity, you know? So that's that's Michael Chestnut: Yep. Yep. Chris - Rebooted Teen: what I really hope to instill through this program, you know. Michael Chestnut: That's great. Well, well, let me ask you this question. I have a lot of men on here. I and I know a lot of men. me personally, I had battled, I had my own bout with pornography, destroyed my life. it's sometimes I've got men that they don't want to go to their child because the shame and guilt is always like, how can you talk to this kid when you yourself In some cases, it's not you used to battle this. Some of it is you're still battling this right now. And so Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yep. Mm-hmm. Michael Chestnut: what that shame and guilt does, it paralyzes us from then going to our child who we're suspecting this, and I and I I always tell the man when I'm looking at I go, do you really think your kid doesn't know? You're r you know, nobody knows you better than your own kids, okay? You think they don't know? Chris - Rebooted Teen: Mm. Michael Chestnut: So what do you say to that guy? How do how does he push through that? To me, I think he can use that even Chris - Rebooted Teen: Hm. Michael Chestnut: so to help his child. Chris - Rebooted Teen: The first thing that comes to mind for me is something that another mentor once shared with me. You don't have to be healed to help. You don't have to have all your stuff together. You don't have to be perfect and what have you. I mean, I'll save you the suspense. None of us are nor will be, you know. But when it comes to guiding your child along, again, you don't need to be healed to help. And truly understanding that yes, you're connected through this, you know, unbreakable bond, but you are two separate people. having your own separate experiences, you know, so Yeah, kinda like Michael Chestnut: Well Chris - Rebooted Teen: Go ahead. Michael Chestnut: well so let me ask you this then, okay? This is my dad. This was my dad. You know how my dad told me about the birds and the bees? Chris - Rebooted Teen: Tell me about Michael Chestnut: So my mom told him to go go talk to him. Now you gotta understand the background of this. My dad was a Baptist preacher. Okay. So my dad tells me that the birds sting you and go, I'm no wait. The birds and the bees is the bees sting, Chris - Rebooted Teen: The bees thinking? Yeah. Michael Chestnut: and the birds go chirp, chirp. The the you know the Bees bees go buzz buzz and the birds will poop on you. Right. And that was my that was my birds and the bees story. And I remember Chris - Rebooted Teen: Amazing. Michael Chestnut: my mom asked me, Did your dad have that talk with you? I go, Well, yeah, I don't know what the big deal was. And she's like, Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah. Michael Chestnut: What do you mean? I go, Well, I already knew all that stuff. And my mom's like, You already knew that stuff. How did you know that? I was like, I see birds and bees all the time. I've been stunk. And then my mom is screaming for my dad to find out what he what he did. And truth is, my dad did not have that conversation with me. He did not want to have that conversation. Now, I'm gonna be Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah. Michael Chestnut: honest with you. There is a big part of me that said, I am so thankful my dad did not have that conversation with me because it's awkward, right? It is awkward. But had my dad had that conversation with me, would the struggles I went through? Have been different because he would have set, helped me set boundaries that I was too immature to do. Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah, no, I I love that you shared that, and there's a lot that I can relate to. Not the exact story. But no, honestly, you know, there's what comes to my well, let me let me just say this. When it comes to these types of conversations, understandably, yeah, they can be awkward. It for whatever reason, you know. Whether someone gets wrapped up in, you know, a sexually compulsive behavior, whether it's sex itself or masturbation or porn, just like any of those words are just kind of like kryptonite to, you know, we do this impression of people that have never heard those words before. For whatever reason, it's just this thing. I can go in front of a group of people and say, you know, due to the power of God and his grace and his overwhelming mercy, I no longer have an attachment to alcoholism, and people will cheer, yeah. And I'll say the same thing about, you know, disorder when it comes to a relationship with a substance. But the moment I mention porn, it's like, yeah. Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: It's it's it's whatever reason. It's like the red-haired stepchild of the addiction world, Michael Chestnut: I know. Chris - Rebooted Teen: you know? So really, the the answer is to just be matter-of-fact about it. I mean, like your body parts have names, right? Michael Chestnut: Mm-hmm. Chris - Rebooted Teen: It's like, you know, we didn't just Come out of nowhere. It's like the stork is a cute story, but there's a way we all got here, right? And Michael Chestnut: Right. Chris - Rebooted Teen: there's this comedian's bit that that comes about. the b comedian's name's Chris Dalia. A lot of his stuff is just kind of, you know, just, you know, the comedy equivalent to just like, you know, eating Doritos or something. But he had this one bit that actually found kind of profound, especially now that I'm in this world that I'm in. he has this bit where he talks about he's never drank alcohol before. He just never did. And all of his friends who are comedians assumed, you know, it's because you had a problem. And he was just like, No, I just straight up was never interested, never wanted to do it. And people were asking him, like, why? You know, just out of curiosity, why? And he talks about this situation where, you know, his parents had a liquor cabinet, as you know, many families do. And the parents were just like, Okay, this is what's in this cabinet, this is what alcohol is, this is how it affects you. We'd rather you not drink. But then again, we can't stop you. So then he's sitting there just like, I mean, okay. G give me rules so I can be naughty, you know? It's just it's just like this is what this is. This is Michael Chestnut: Uh-huh. Chris - Rebooted Teen: how the stuff works. And we've got some life experience, so we've been there ourselves, you know? So at the end of the day, so that's why I made that distinction, like, dad's over here, son's over there. You're your own person having your own experience. I can't stop you, but this is just what this is. This is what to expect. You know, it's our role to literally pull the curtain to see the man behind it. You know what I mean? This is what's going on. So that's that's really what comes to mind for me. And but get back to the awkwardness. I get it, but not to be all self-pluggy, but literally this is why I built what's called the Rebooted Teen Parent Program. Which is, you know, the free resources. You know, again, you know, rebooted teen.com. If you feel like, yeah, I don't want to be a hypocrite, I don't want to shame my child, I don't want to make them feel awkward, I don't want to be overbearing or annoying or whatever, this is for you. It's how to initiate these types of conversations without, you know, feeling like you need to be a certain way. You can be yourself. Again, you can't. heal or protect a heart that you haven't reached. So when you make the star of the show your child and not the behavior, you're more likely to have a breakthrough. You know? So that that's really what we talk about. So if anyone happens to resonate, like, yeah, that feels weird to me having that type of talk. Or if that's just the talk that you're used to, you know, then feel free to check it out. I'd love to help. Michael Chestnut: Well, and I think that's that's why your resource is really good because I think it's embarrassing, it's awkward. I don't even know how to approach this because my dad never approached me about this. how do I do this? And that's great about, one of the pluses to technology today is now we do have online resources, and this is one of them. This is Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah. Michael Chestnut: a place where a parent can go. Get some free resources on okay, how to address the situation so that you're not going into it blindly and have a strategy to do it. Because I I know this when we set a goal and we can write it down, me is go and prepare. Don't don't go at the in the seat of your britches that you're just gonna barge in his room and have this conversation. No, plan it out, figure out what what how should I talk to them about it. Because whenever you do a goal, one thing I've I learned is if you write out your goal, you got a sixty-five percent greater chance of success. And a lot of it is because you're more t apt to follow through with the goal. But second is because you're also now writing a strategy out of what to do and not to do in there. what what to say and then what not to say, and you've got on there because the natural In instinct is to shame people with this, and so it sometimes it comes across without us meaning to. So you having it written down, I am not shaming. And for me, that would be my face because I am not a poker player. I my Chris - Rebooted Teen: Ha ha. Michael Chestnut: face shows everything. So I have to, I would have to write it out, Watch your face, right? Because people are Chris - Rebooted Teen: Right. Michael Chestnut: reading your body language. Our kids are reading our body language. So Chris - Rebooted Teen: Yeah. Michael Chestnut: That so to me, I appreciate, that you have a resource for that. But before we go, I'd like to ask you this too. What is one thing if a dad is listening today, what's one action after this episode that maybe they should take? Chris - Rebooted Teen: Well, if you suspect that your child might be struggling with a compulsive sexual behavior, understand first things first, it's not 100% their fault. Okay. You know you know, I saw it myself. Like I remember working as a teacher in the middle of the pandemic. You know, we were all doing school online. And I ran the whole gamut from kindergarten all the way to twelfth grade, right? And especially in my younger students, you know, there was a change in their demeanor, in their attitudes, and the light in their eyes. When we finally overstarted back sor sorry. There was a change in their overall essence when they started coming back into the building, you know? And Think about what was being taught at that time subconsciously. It's like, all right, here it is, a screen. Everything you could really ever want or need. Here's what school is gonna look like. Here's where it is. Here's where your family can be found. Here's where connection with your friends can be found. Here's where you can express yourself. Here's entertainment. Here's all the information you could ever really want or need. Again, it's a we can say, just read a book, you know, go outside, you know. it it might not compute only because this is the culture and the world that they were born into. So understand that if your child has been exposed to porn or if you suspect that they have at an early age, I really want to drive home the point that it's not their fault. And it's also not your fault either. As a parent or guardian. It does not make you a failure. It does not make you a bad parent in any straits of the imagination. If anything, where we see a problem, we have the opportunity to reframe it as an opportunity. That's really what Michael Chestnut: Yes. Chris - Rebooted Teen: it is. So if you take anything away from this conversation, I hope that it resonates. But if I could just emphasize one major point. Curiosity is a superpower. It truly, truly is. And if we want to, just like Michael said, get to know your child better than you know anything else virtually, it will require asking some questions. It will require breaching your own comfort zone. Do I want to know? You can be as direct. I will never tell a parent. How to be a parent, that's not my job. I'm a coach, right? I I I I'm not gonna tell you how to be a father, but what I can show you are different resources, different tools, different techniques that can make that conversation more smooth, more fluid, and more natural. You know? So if I can help in any way, again, you know, rebooted teen.com, you can find the free parent program. It's my gift to you. It's it's free. And if you feel it's the right move. After implementing a lot of this stuff and getting engaged in our Facebook community and whatnot, like if you feel it's the right move, certainly consider enrolling your child into the rebooted team program. But one final thing that you can start implementing right now. In the age of influencers, you know, in the age of, you know, everyone's trying to be an influencer, I wanna just encourage somebody. To walk in the confidence that you are your child's original influencer. You really, really are. And that might sound like pressure, like, I need to be perfect and I can't let them down. I I'll spoil the ending for you. You're going to let them down. You're you're going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. You're gonna slip up. That's okay. You're human just as much as your child is. It's both of your first times being a human being. Okay. So if I could I think I have a little extra grace in my pocket. Here you go. Here is some grace for you. Now give it to yourself, you know? Because when it comes to demonstrating to your son how to be compassionate to the parts of you that might be feeling lonely or isolated or needing that release of some kind. If we can't be compassionate with ourselves, we'll have a harder time demonstrating that. And teaching that to someone that we love, you know? So it's okay. It's not the end of the world. And I believe if you're listening this far into the show, clearly you care. And you're yearning for you resources and conversations from people that have been there ourselves. We both have, and we get it. So compassion, curiosity is the name of the game. And understand that you are your child's influencer. That doesn't mean pressure. That means presence. That's really all you have to do. Is your child safe? Can they trust you? When you have the answers to those questions, the rest of it will become a lot easier. Michael Chestnut: Well, Chris, thank you, brother. This was a well-needed conversation. And guys, if this episode hit home for where your son might be right now, go to rebootedteen.com and grab your free parent resource. And if it hit home for you, don't carry this alone. Take it to somebody. Find a celebrate recovery near you. Take one step. And until next time, just keep being. Intentional. Thank you all.