Latest / Frontiers of Psychotherapist Development Podcast by Daryl Chow, Ph.D. / HomeKit: Helping Your Clients Get Unstuck (Part II: Assertiveness)⭕️

Transcript

HomeKit: Helping Your Clients Get Unstuck (Part II: Assertiveness)⭕️ · Frontiers of Psychotherapist Development Podcast by Daryl Chow, Ph.D.

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  SPEAKER_00: Today's topic will be on assertiveness.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is taken from the audio series called HomeKit.
• 0:09
  HomeKit is your just-in-time human companion to help you
• 0:12
  immediately shift state
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: and get unstuck as quickly as possible.
• 0:17
  HomeKit is a series of densely packed topics covering more than
• 0:20
  50 domains,
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: 50 areas,
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: such as anxiety,
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: discipline,
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: procrastination,
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: motivation,
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: and guilt to grieve.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, go to darylchow.com slash homekit.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's d-a-r-y-l-c-h-o-w dot com slash homekit.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's h-o-m-e-k-i-t.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Today, we'll look at assertiveness.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Stay tuned to the end.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: There will be a special promo code for you to use,
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: which will be available till the 12th of October,
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: 2025,
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: where you get a 25% off for the entire series.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: So let's dive in.
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  Assertiveness is an act of lessening the divide between what's
• 1:24
  on the inner and the outer life.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because the life that is inside needs to be heard on the outside.
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  SPEAKER_00: Here's how.
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  There are three strategies that you could take about becoming
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  more assertive.
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  SPEAKER_00: The first is
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  asking the question what do i really want what do i really like
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  at any given point
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  in time we live in two walls one on the inside and one on the
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  outside and our task
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  is to learn to tune in on what's not just asking us on the
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  outside but what's
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  SPEAKER_00: quietly beckoning on the inside
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  SPEAKER_00: Learning to ask that question,
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  SPEAKER_00: what do I really want,
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  SPEAKER_00: is a really simple but deceptive question.
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  SPEAKER_00: You could go further and think about, actually, what do I really like?
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  SPEAKER_00: Art offers us that sort of chance.
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  SPEAKER_00: When we look at a piece of aesthetic art,
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  SPEAKER_00: be it a painting,
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  SPEAKER_00: a sculpture,
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  SPEAKER_00: or listen to a piece of music,
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  it beckons us about what kind of feelings that elicit within us
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  on the inside,
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  SPEAKER_00: and what do we really like.
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  SPEAKER_00: What we like is idiosyncratic, that's specific to our tastes.
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  SPEAKER_00: And
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  SPEAKER_00: I would suggest for this question,
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  SPEAKER_00: for you to write this out,
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  to just write as a header in your journal and to try and answer
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  these questions.
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  SPEAKER_00: What do I really like?
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  SPEAKER_00: What do I really want?
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  SPEAKER_00: What do I need that's missing in my life?
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  And if you find that difficult to answer,
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  stay with it and come back to it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself some spaciousness to work through this question as well.
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  SPEAKER_00: We'll come back to it another day.
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  SPEAKER_00: Another way to think about this is to invert it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Ask the question, what makes me angry?
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  SPEAKER_00: What makes me upset?
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  SPEAKER_00: What pisses me off?
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  SPEAKER_00: Our anger gives a hint.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not the end road,
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  but it's the beginning sign to tell you about some things that
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  you really care
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  about and allows you to voice what is on the inside and find a
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  way to exist on the
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  SPEAKER_00: outside.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let me give you an example.
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  SPEAKER_00: Recently,
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  my wife was sort of upset whenever she goes to the kitchen and
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  she's looking in a
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  SPEAKER_00: dishwasher and I couldn't bear the kind of look that she has.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I was asking, what was it?
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  SPEAKER_00: What's happening?
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  SPEAKER_00: What's making her a little bit upset?
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  And she didn't want to say anything about this because I think
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  she didn't want to
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  SPEAKER_00: make a small,
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  SPEAKER_00: a big deal out of something small,
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  SPEAKER_00: I guess.
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  SPEAKER_00: But at the end,
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  SPEAKER_00: she told me,
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  SPEAKER_00: she said that it was the way that I laid out stuff in the dishwasher.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I asked, what about it?
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  SPEAKER_00: And she said that,
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  could you just put all the spoons one side and all the fork on
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  the other so that
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  SPEAKER_00: when we grab it,
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  SPEAKER_00: it would be easier to put it back into the shelf.
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  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
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  I thought it was a brilliant idea because I didn't really think
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  too much about
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  SPEAKER_00: these sort of things.
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  SPEAKER_00: And she expressed that that matters.
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  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it makes perfect sense.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to do it.
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  I think it's really important that we find a way to speak
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  what's on the inside to the outside.
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  That's so fundamental about assertiveness because assertiveness
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  is not just being
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  SPEAKER_00: abrasive and upfront,
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  but it's really about figuring out a way to speak what's on the
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  inside to the
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  SPEAKER_00: person on the outside that they can receive,
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  they can hear and receive you and not just hear you yelling at
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  them that makes
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  SPEAKER_00: sense to them.
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  SPEAKER_00: Here's the second strategy.
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  SPEAKER_00: Practice using your nose.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean N-O-S-E.
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  SPEAKER_00: I mean yes and no, N-O.
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  This idea originated from entrepreneurial and brilliant writer
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  Derek Sivers when he
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  SPEAKER_00: had a chapter called
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  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah or no.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hell yes or no in his book, Anything You Want.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I thought it was a brilliant rule to have.
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  SPEAKER_00: But of course, this is not a universal rule.
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  It's something that you use when you are overcommitted or
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  you're too scattered.
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  SPEAKER_00: And you got to learn to practice to say no in general.
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  SPEAKER_00: And only when something is hell yes, then you would say yes.
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  SPEAKER_00: If not, all else is defaulting.
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  SPEAKER_00: to a no.
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  SPEAKER_00: Saying no is hard.
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  SPEAKER_00: Increase autonomy by learning to say no.
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  SPEAKER_00: And this is hard because it feels like we are letting other people down.
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  SPEAKER_00: Many of us would rather suffer on the inside than disappoint others.
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  SPEAKER_00: In the past,
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  I kept taking on project after project even though I was
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  already doing 100% things
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  SPEAKER_00: over the brim.
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  SPEAKER_00: And why did I do that?
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  SPEAKER_00: The explanation in my head went like this.
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  I think I can work on this for a few evenings after I put the
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  kids to bed and maybe
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  SPEAKER_00: wake up at 6am to finish up.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's doable.
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  SPEAKER_00: Despite not being employed in the halls of academia,
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  SPEAKER_00: which meant that I had no incentive to publish peer review articles,
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  SPEAKER_00: I would take on research studies,
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  sign up for extracurricular activities outside of my role as a
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  clinician in the
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  SPEAKER_00: hospital,
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  SPEAKER_00: and often say yes to reviewing studies as a peer reviewer,
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  SPEAKER_00: even though I really didn't have the bandwidth to do so.
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  Apart from my wife,
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  no one else knew I was suffering because of these yeses.
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  SPEAKER_00: Here are some more examples of the narratives I used to convince myself.
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  This would be a good opportunity for me to get more exposure to
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  this particular
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  SPEAKER_00: clinical research.
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  SPEAKER_00: This would help me build a name for myself.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or this would be good for learning more about how organisations operate.
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  SPEAKER_00: And one of the biggest kicker was...
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  SPEAKER_00: What if I miss this chance and is not going to come back again?
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  Even though my rational was meant to be self-beneficial,
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  this led me to burnout.
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  SPEAKER_00: More on this about burnout in HomeKit in the other section.
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  The only way I could turn things around was to base my
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  decisions not on the
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  SPEAKER_00: potential of benefit,
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  SPEAKER_00: but on autonomy.
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  SPEAKER_00: Given the lessons learned as I operate from a place of autonomy,
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  SPEAKER_00: my default answer to new projects is a no,
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  SPEAKER_00: even if the benefits seem enticing.
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  The shift from benefit to autonomy means that I now anchor
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  myself on things that
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  SPEAKER_00: can increase my sense of agency and control of my life.
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  SPEAKER_00: This means that I have to not just go with what might be useful,
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  SPEAKER_00: beneficial,
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  SPEAKER_00: or even helpful,
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  SPEAKER_00: but also be governed by a different principle,
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  SPEAKER_00: one that is about enacting true choices.
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  SPEAKER_00: In order to exercise true choices,
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  SPEAKER_00: we have to learn to make big decisions to avoid small decisions.
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  Moving our thinking from benefit to a real consideration of
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  autonomy isn't so straightforward.
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  SPEAKER_00: In order to make difficult things easier,
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  adopt that principle of making a big decision so as to avoid
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  small decisions.
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  If someone invites you to a gathering that you aren't actually
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  100% keen to attend,
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  and you already have 19 other big commitments and deadlines
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  tied down for the next
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  SPEAKER_00: eight weeks,
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  SPEAKER_00: say a gracious no.
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  If someone at work gives you a perfect project opportunity that
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  might even lead to
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  SPEAKER_00: a promotion in the near future,
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  but you actually only have 5% interest in the project and the
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  potential role,
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  SPEAKER_00: bravely give a kind no.
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  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying a hesitant yes and then regretting it later on,
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  SPEAKER_00: consider some variant of the following response.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for thinking of me.
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  SPEAKER_00: At the moment,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll have to turn down the invite,
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  SPEAKER_00: but if things change in the next few weeks,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll definitely give you a call,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll let you know.
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  SPEAKER_00: At the outset,
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  SPEAKER_00: instead of being confronted with the in-the-moment small decisions,
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  SPEAKER_00: or even the pressure to say yes,
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  SPEAKER_00: make a pre-decision to say no.
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  SPEAKER_00: Your yeses depend on your noes.
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  The ability to make a big decision upfront by saying no
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  requires you to know what
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  SPEAKER_00: we've talked about in the first strategy,
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  SPEAKER_00: which is what you really want and what is important to you.
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  And if you are often put on the spot and have difficulties
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  defaulting to a no,
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  buy some time.
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  SPEAKER_00: Say to the other person,
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  let me get back to you so that you can think through it clearly
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  in your own time.
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  The third and final strategy on assertiveness is the practice
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  of strength and warmth.
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  SPEAKER_00: Think of strength and warmth like a hydraulic system.
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  SPEAKER_00: When one goes up, the other goes down.
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  SPEAKER_00: When strength goes up, warmth goes down.
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  SPEAKER_00: When warmth goes up, strength goes down.
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  Nearly everything you do to increase your strength diminishes
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  your warmth and vice versa.
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  SPEAKER_00: So in each context,
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  SPEAKER_00: you have to exercise your choice between these two factors,
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  SPEAKER_00: meaning to say more concretely,
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  when is a moment where you should be more warmth and agreeable
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  and to just go with
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  SPEAKER_00: the flow?
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  SPEAKER_00: Or when are the other moments where you need to speak up,
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  SPEAKER_00: even though you might not be agreeing with the majority?
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  We become more compelling to others when we know when to keep
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  an open heart and
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  SPEAKER_00: when to keep a strong spine.
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  This differentiation is important because that really helps us
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  to be less divided
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  when we know when we need to stand firm and when some things we
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  just need to be
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  SPEAKER_00: more agreeable and to go with the flow.
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  Struggle for most people who have difficulty with asserting
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  themselves is often the
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  SPEAKER_00: issue of when to bring the hydraulic system up for strength.
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  SPEAKER_00: So that's something that you need to practice and to use.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now that we have talked about the three strategies for assertiveness,
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  SPEAKER_00: that is,
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  SPEAKER_00: what do I really want?
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  SPEAKER_00: What do I really like?
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  SPEAKER_00: Answering those questions.
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  Second is making a differentiation between what's a hell yeah
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  and the rest is a no.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the third one is about the difference between strength and warmth.
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  SPEAKER_00: Treating doors like a hydraulic system when you use them.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now we can go into the reasons behind why all these works.
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  SPEAKER_00: And here's why.
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  SPEAKER_00: The first one.
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  SPEAKER_00: Assertiveness is a form of truth-telling.
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  SPEAKER_00: Make sure when you say yes on the outside is not a no on the inside.
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  I mean,
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  this might sound strange to some,
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  but deeply conflicting to others.
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  This benign question that we sort of asked earlier about what
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  do we really want is
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  SPEAKER_00: really tricky.
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  SPEAKER_00: See, what do we really want speaks on desire.
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  SPEAKER_00: And desire is the seed of knowing,
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  SPEAKER_00: deeply rooted in our psyche,
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  SPEAKER_00: especially when you are at significant transitions in your life.
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  Such periods hint at not only what you like,
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  but also who you're going to become.
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  SPEAKER_00: For instance,
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  a person who decides to leave a high-paying job in his 40s
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  because he can no longer
• 14:07
  work in a place that violates his values about the environment
• 14:10
  and how to treat
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: people now has to recalibrate in a new direction.
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  SPEAKER_00: If he stayed at his previous job,
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  SPEAKER_00: even though it paid well,
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  SPEAKER_00: the ongoing moral injury would likely inflict psychological symptoms like
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  SPEAKER_00: depression,
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  SPEAKER_00: anxiety,
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  SPEAKER_00: insomnia,
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  SPEAKER_00: and feelings of overwhelm and even alienation.
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  SPEAKER_00: So at first blush,
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  SPEAKER_00: the question of what do I really want sounds highly indulgent,
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  but affording ourselves the chance to carefully reflect on it
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  can lead to deep
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  SPEAKER_00: reckoning,
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  which is why I was recommending that you write down these
• 14:49
  responses in your
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  SPEAKER_00: journal.
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  And what we have to reckon with is the idiosyncratic
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  particularities of what makes
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  SPEAKER_00: us as individuals come alive.
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  SPEAKER_00: Your biggest need is to figure out what you really want.
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  If you don't know what you really want,
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  it's really hard to be assertive in your life.
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  SPEAKER_00: The second point is to be divided no more, and here's why.
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  When you go against what you stand for,
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  you violate an integral part of yourself.
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  SPEAKER_00: This type of moral wounding eats at you.
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  Even when you think you have sufficiently distracted yourself
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  and gotten those
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  SPEAKER_00: negative thoughts out of your mind,
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  SPEAKER_00: the inner division festers.
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  SPEAKER_00: Quaker author Parker Palmer notes in his book, A Hidden Wholeness.
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  SPEAKER_00: Dividedness is a personal pathology.
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  SPEAKER_00: The divided life at bottom is not a failure of ethics.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is a failure of human wholeness.
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  SPEAKER_00: Wholeness, by my estimation, is not some fluffy New Age concept.
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  To go against what is unknown for you on the inside and saying
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  yes on the outside
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  SPEAKER_00: creates what Parker would call a divided life.
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  This division not only affects individuals personally,
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  but it also impacts others around you.
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  SPEAKER_00: When your yeses and noes are not aligned with your inner and outer life,
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  SPEAKER_00: people around you are not getting a chance to really know you.
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  SPEAKER_00: What they experience of you is only a veneer then.
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  SPEAKER_00: The last point about why this is important,
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  and particularly saying yeses and noes to make the
• 16:42
  differentiation between strength
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  SPEAKER_00: and warmth is particularly difficult for people who are highly agreeable.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is, they are more compassionate and polite.
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  And if you look at one of the more grounded research in human
• 16:57
  personality and the
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: big five,
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  SPEAKER_00: you could remember the big five in terms of these five factors.
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  Openness to experience,
• 17:06
  conscientiousness,
• 17:08
  extroversion,
• 17:10
  agreeableness,
• 17:11
  and neuroticism.
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  SPEAKER_00: And just briefly,
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  let me explain each of them and I'll go down to the one that's
• 17:16
  particular for us
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  SPEAKER_00: here.
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  O for openness means how much are you open to ideas or
• 17:22
  ecstatics or stuff that's
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: intellectually challenging.
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  c for conscientiousness means how organized and methodical a
• 17:30
  person are you e for
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  extroversion that's somebody who who gains positive emotions
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  and energy being with
• 17:38
  people especially and the opposite of that is introversion
• 17:42
  which is where you you
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: gain more energy being uh in solitude and
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  SPEAKER_00: N. N for neuroticism, which means proneness to negative emotions.
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  SPEAKER_00: But specifically to our discussion here, A. A is for agreeableness.
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  People who are highly agreeable are generally very nice to be
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  with because they are
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  SPEAKER_00: not only polite,
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  SPEAKER_00: but they are compassionate.
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  SPEAKER_00: They are very empathic and warmth to people.
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  SPEAKER_00: So they are very nice people to be around with.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're always considering other people.
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  SPEAKER_00: In fact,
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  SPEAKER_00: sometimes to the detriment of themselves.
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  This is why people high in agreeableness have more difficulty
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  exercising assertiveness.
• 18:26
  This is where the particular strategy of differentiating
• 18:29
  between strength and
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: warmth is really going to play out,
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: where you need to make decisions where
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  SPEAKER_00: in specific contexts where you need to carry on to be warmth,
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  SPEAKER_00: polite,
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  SPEAKER_00: and nice to others,
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  SPEAKER_00: and others where you have to learn to assert your strength to speak up.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to raise your volume,
• 18:50
  but you do need your voice to come out from the inside to the
• 18:54
  outside to allow it
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  SPEAKER_00: some space to be aired,
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: to be shared.
• 19:06
  Today's episode on assertiveness is taken from one of the more
• 19:10
  than 50 topics from
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: the audio series called HomeKit.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: And why is this in an audio format?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well,
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: HomeKit is meant to be like a whisper in your ear,
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: accompanying you whenever you're on the move,
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: whether you are exercising or traveling.
• 19:29
  The main thing is for you to take action and not just focus on
• 19:35
  consumption.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: So for example,
• 19:37
  say you're listening to the section on procrastination and you
• 19:40
  got the tip that
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: makes sense to you.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't go listening to just another section just yet.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: This may be a form of procrastination.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Get doing and get going.
• 19:51
  And also you can revisit this series at any point in time and
• 19:56
  go back to specific
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: sections where you need them,
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: like a first aid kit to help you get unstuck when you need it.
• 20:03
  Again,
• 20:04
  the focus of this is action,
• 20:07
  not consumption,
• 20:08
  which will change your life.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the benefits of HomeKit is threefold.
• 20:16
  One is to quickly help you shift state as when you need it to
• 20:20
  get out of the rut
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: before things escalate.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Two,
• 20:24
  the collection of these specific principles and strategies are
• 20:28
  life skills that are
• 20:30
  generalizable and has a huge payoff to your emotional and
• 20:35
  relational health,
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: as well as your productivity.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: The deep lessons in each of the segments target specific routes,
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: not just abstract diagnostic labels.
• 20:48
  So feel free to sample various topics that I've made available
• 20:52
  in there before you
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: make the decision.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: But to find out more, go to darylchow.com slash homekit.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's D-A-R-Y-L-C-H-O-W.com slash HomeKit.
• 21:09
  And for people who are listening to this,
• 21:11
  you've got a few more days left.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And by the 12th of October,
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: so at the time of this recording,
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: that's close to another four more days.
• 21:23
  And for you to use this,
• 21:25
  go to the checkout,
• 21:27
  key in the following promo code,
• 21:30
  FULLCIRCLESVIP.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's F-U-L-L-C-I-R-C-L-E-S VIP.
• 21:41
  And I was told that you should put that in full caps to get
• 21:46
  yourself a 25% off.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Just bear this in mind, the date's closing in.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: And with this, this will be available till the 12th of October, 2025.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you find HomeKit useful for yourself,
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: for your clients,
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: for your family members,
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: for people you care about,
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: that you get to use this whenever you need it.