Latest / Authentic Living / Thriving Through Trauma and Adversity...No Matter What with Heather Reid

Transcript

Thriving Through Trauma and Adversity...No Matter What with Heather Reid · Authentic Living

• 0:01
  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
• 0:08
  things that really matter in our lives.
• 0:11
  And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:35
  Hi, Boanne.
• 0:36
  It's Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:37
  I'm authenticating with Roxanne.
• 0:38
  Thanks so much for tuning in again, this week.
• 0:42
  Today, I have someone very special that's, Come to join us today.
• 0:46
  Her name is Heather Read.
• 0:48
  Hi, Heather.
• 0:49
  How are you?
• 0:50
  Very well, Christine.
• 0:51
  How are you today?
• 0:52
  I'm good.
• 0:53
  I'm good.
• 0:54
  So Heather has, I'm gonna say some pretty fascinating, stories that I We chatted and got
• 1:02
  connected by another colleague.
• 1:04
  And, I'm gonna talk to her.
• 1:06
  She's her background is, quite diverse in business.
• 1:09
  But what we're gonna talk today about is more around, concepts of resilience and how do you
• 1:16
  get through things that you know, oftentimes life deals us and we don't know how we're gonna
• 1:21
  get through and somehow we get through the other side.
• 1:23
  So we're gonna talk a little bit about that.
• 1:25
  But let me tell you a little bit about her background she's, has 25 years of experience in
• 1:30
  the Canadian meeting and events industry as an entrepreneur event planner and an award winning
• 1:35
  industry consultant.
• 1:36
  Heather's no stranger to change and challenges in a business life and, comes up and and to bat
• 1:42
  and and has, been doing this for 20 Roxanne.
• 1:45
  Since 1994, she's owned a full service event planning agency, and in 2016, founded the award
• 1:51
  winning consultancy known as Plana Project Inc, a company dedicated to addressing the needs for
• 1:57
  education and consulting for event contract negotiations.
• 2:01
  She has reached received awards for thought leadership and commitments to events, including
• 2:06
  a smart women in meeting award, the innovative category, and the meetings in incentive travel
• 2:12
  Canada's Hall of Fame Award.
• 2:16
  Heather's also, no stranger to change and challenges, not just in her professional life,
• 2:20
  but personally, She's a survivor of, sexual trauma in her youth and mom to 2 adult children
• 2:26
  with, some thought provoking stories of their own, bicamidis sharing these lessons she's
• 2:33
  learned through her life.
• 2:35
  Heather hopes to help others with their journey true change in challenges.
• 2:40
  Now you've, you know, obviously started a a successful business and we know what what it is
• 2:47
  to create a business and to keep it afloat for 25 years.
• 2:51
  I'm sure there's a lot of things that you've learned about change.
• 2:56
  So, Heather, let's talk a little bit about how you think of change because I think that would
• 3:00
  probably kind of help people understand kinda your space.
• 3:05
  Sure.
• 3:07
  Change to me is is something that happens with warning and without warning.
• 3:12
  I think sometimes we we can see the writing on the wall that changes coming and sometimes we
• 3:18
  can feel completely blindsided by it.
• 3:21
  And, and for good and for bad reasons, change can be a very positive thing, but, change can
• 3:28
  also mean, unpleasant trees and, misfortune and things like that.
• 3:33
  So, for me in business for the 25 years, it's interesting.
• 3:37
  I actually just had a quite a vivid discussion with my family.
• 3:41
  We were away for a week, together, and, we were talking about how I felt.
• 3:46
  I wasn't as successful as an entrepreneur as I would have liked to have been.
• 3:50
  And I measure myself and and success, at least I typically think of it as monetary success.
• 3:58
  And, and I was quickly reminded by my adult children and my husband that There was so much
• 4:05
  more successful about my business than just the bottom line.
• 4:09
  And I didn't see the bottom line as being successful because it wasn't even though
• 4:14
  revenues were, you know, in the six figures, some years, not every year by any means, I
• 4:19
  didn't feel like I saw it in my paycheck or in my take home.
• 4:22
  But what I was reminded was that I was successful in terms of I was at home with 2
• 4:28
  children from the day they were born until they they left the to go to post secondary.
• 4:34
  I contributed to the mortgages of up to 6 staff at some point.
• 4:40
  I was, you know, the parent that was able to go and help with a hot lunch day.
• 4:46
  I was able to do all the, you know, the field trips other parents didn't have the luxury of
• 4:50
  doing because of their work.
• 4:52
  And so there were lots of things that they defined success for me that I didn't see and I
• 4:57
  had forgotten of.
• 4:59
  We have tremendous flexibility.
• 5:01
  My husband went through a period where he was 20 fourseven at work.
• 5:06
  And someone had to hold down the fort.
• 5:08
  And so, change for me is something that I I think it's just been there, and I think it is
• 5:14
  for every woman, that is carrying any more than one role at a time.
• 5:20
  Whether it be, you know, strictly mom or strictly, you know, a worker or strictly, a
• 5:25
  sister or a daughter or whatever role.
• 5:27
  I think we carry so many hats that change is inevitable.
• 5:31
  And how we handle that, I think is how we view and how we get through life.
• 5:40
  If we're able to handle change, then we're able to handle what comes at us and to adapt and to,
• 5:47
  kind of come out on the other side thinking that was successful, even though it may not be
• 5:51
  that, you know, the normal kind of how others define success.
• 5:56
  And, so, yeah, yeah, it just, change is inevitable.
• 6:02
  Good, bad.
• 6:03
  And, for me, the entrepreneurial journey has been interesting.
• 6:08
  It served a purpose when I started out.
• 6:10
  I can't say that I ever set out to be an entrepreneur.
• 6:14
  I actually became one because of circumstances like staying at home with little children in
• 6:19
  the nineties.
• 6:21
  And saw it as my only viable option because I needed to stay somehow academically challenged
• 6:30
  and, you know, contributing, and, going to work was was not what our option was at that point.
• 6:37
  So it I kind of fell in but then really kind of didn't measure it in the way that others did
• 6:43
  and others saw it.
• 6:45
  I just kept contributing it to the bottom line.
• 6:47
  I didn't contribute.
• 6:48
  I didn't you know, have this 6 figure profit.
• 6:50
  I didn't have, you know, these things that we tend to measure success by.
• 6:55
  That's why.
• 6:55
  Yeah.
• 6:56
  Yep.
• 6:56
  So now I would say that For the most part, we all go through change, especially, like, to
• 7:02
  your point, I think as women, like myself, you know, like, quite young, you know, I waited a
• 7:07
  little bit later to have my son, but, you know, I was juggling always.
• 7:11
  Do you think you grew up thinking about change in that way?
• 7:15
  Cause I think now I think change and I think, oh, I I like
• 7:18
  I think I like change, but really I
• 7:20
  don't generally like change.
• 7:22
  There's a change and I think they're coming and I'm gonna get prepped.
• 7:25
  And then there's the other ones just just careen at you and you and you go, woah.
• 7:30
  I wish I had some time to for that.
• 7:33
  Yeah.
• 7:34
  Well, I I think I, you know, I the image just came to my mind about, you know, the story that
• 7:38
  the frog that if you put the frog in the in the you know, regular temperature water, it stays
• 7:44
  in and it can cook, you know, it gets cooked to death.
• 7:46
  Whereas if you put it into a pot of boiling water, it jumps out.
• 7:49
  And I think that's like change.
• 7:51
  Right?
• 7:51
  Like, if you're in the midst of it and change happens around you, you acclimate to it.
• 7:56
  You adapt to it.
• 7:57
  You find what might work.
• 7:59
  You may find things that don't work more often than you find things that will work.
• 8:04
  But I think most people become accustomed to change because I don't think there's too much
• 8:11
  anymore that is absolutely a certainty or that stays rigidly in place permanently.
• 8:18
  I think we all have to become adept at change.
• 8:21
  Now I can say on the flip side, I'm not one that's really comfortable with change.
• 8:26
  We we are trying to implement a back of house system for my second business, the planner
• 8:30
  protect.
• 8:31
  And, I hate change.
• 8:34
  I hate implementing something new.
• 8:36
  And so but I think there's places where you have to change and where you're more motivated
• 8:41
  to change than there are in some other aspects.
• 8:45
  So at, yeah.
• 8:47
  So let's Now you talked a little bit about, some challenges in your youth, and I I think,
• 8:55
  you know, oftentimes, you know, if I were to meet you and I know you and I have not met in
• 8:59
  person, I'm sure we will run into each other.
• 9:01
  I hope so.
• 9:02
  Go back to normal.
• 9:03
  But, you know, when successful women see other successful women, let's say for in instance,
• 9:12
  right, whether you're on a stage or you're, you know, running an event or you're you don't
• 9:16
  think of what they've been through.
• 9:18
  Right?
• 9:18
  And you kind of assume, like we do, You know, she looks a certain way.
• 9:23
  She talks a certain way.
• 9:24
  She presents herself a certain way.
• 9:26
  She's probably not been through too much.
• 9:29
  To speak up anyway, just the normal stuff.
• 9:31
  Right?
• 9:32
  Yep.
• 9:33
  Tell you talked a little bit about some trauma in your youth.
• 9:36
  And I really, you know, with trauma, that's one of the specialties that I, in my psychotherapy
• 9:44
  career was one of my specialties, and I know how difficult it is, when you've been through
• 9:50
  something traumatic.
• 9:51
  So just time, if you wouldn't mind sharing kind of what that process was for you, because,
• 9:57
  obviously, you know, your space is so positive and and vibrant.
• 10:01
  And, you know, like you said, you've raised a family and you've ran this business.
• 10:05
  How did you get through that trauma?
• 10:06
  And what kind of things for somebody listening that maybe has been through like trauma, could
• 10:11
  could kinda learn from what you did.
• 10:13
  That's a a great question and and happy to answer.
• 10:16
  And I think Roxanne, one of the things that I've said to you in our lead up to this is that
• 10:20
  I am not shy of having difficult conversations because I truly My heart says if some one
• 10:28
  person can, have the have the ability to start candid conversation or a difficult conversation
• 10:35
  that they need to have, then to me, that's why I speak frankly.
• 10:40
  So, yeah, I did Actually, when I was, probably between the ages of 12 16 17, just before I
• 10:47
  left for university, I my mom and dad, we we had every blessing in the world.
• 10:53
  We had music lessons, dance lessons.
• 10:55
  You name it.
• 10:56
  We had every kind of lesson going.
• 10:57
  I was very privileged.
• 10:59
  But I was put in the, in a viola lesson, with a a teacher that actually molested his students,
• 11:08
  and I was an easy target for him.
• 11:11
  However, I was blessed with the fact that I didn't even know it was happening And, I mean,
• 11:17
  certainly I look back and and there was things that that obviously my psyche was hurt and
• 11:23
  traumatized by it.
• 11:24
  But in the moment, what he and he's actually in jail, 30 courageous women other than myself,
• 11:33
  actually did a a lawsuit and and, they won.
• 11:37
  And, he he chose his target so carefully so And what he did was just so benign, really, like,
• 11:46
  like, to me as a student at that time as a teenager and yet, violated each of us.
• 11:52
  And and then so that was the 4 or 5 years before I left home to go to university.
• 11:59
  And, then in university, just the summer after my first, well, actually I had 3 years under my
• 12:06
  belt, changed universities.
• 12:09
  And my 1st year in my second university, I had a field supervisor, that I was raped by.
• 12:15
  We were out in the field, and, on an on I was working for this field supervisor who was doing
• 12:22
  his masters.
• 12:24
  And, that was a hellish experience.
• 12:29
  And it came Again, I I just didn't know.
• 12:33
  And and you have to know that this was in 1987 when things were just absolutely not talked
• 12:40
  about There wasn't social media.
• 12:42
  There wasn't Google.
• 12:43
  There wasn't a lot of things.
• 12:45
  I came from a a privileged, narrow, tight family that did not have these conversations
• 12:51
  that just it wasn't part of of my growing up.
• 12:55
  And that was an incredibly isolating time.
• 12:57
  I I couldn't I couldn't go home.
• 12:59
  I couldn't talk to my parents, and it was through the blessing of one one.
• 13:05
  Very, very close friend who was in, studying to be a nurse, who I confided in, then I actually
• 13:11
  ended up getting pregnant from that rape, that solitary act, and she walked me through the
• 13:17
  process, of the abortion.
• 13:19
  And but that was 30 years ago.
• 13:21
  And, And now I think so many of of women go through that kind of experience in some manner,
• 13:28
  that we have it as part of our our psyche part of who we are.
• 13:33
  And I think part of it for me is that I want to succeed despite that.
• 13:39
  I want to that pushes me.
• 13:41
  It drives me.
• 13:42
  It, it I'll show you if that's such a thing is that was kind of my response.
• 13:51
  When it came time to deal with the after effect of the rape, mean, there was no counseling.
• 13:55
  I didn't, you know, I dealt with university, medicine, department kind of thing as far as
• 14:03
  the on-site, medical staff.
• 14:05
  There was no counseling offered.
• 14:07
  There was just you know, procedural medical, you know, and it was we were left to our self.
• 14:15
  And and how do you deal with that?
• 14:16
  And and I think for me, it was I just had to kinda just shove it away for quite a long time.
• 14:22
  And, it was probably about 10, well, not quite 10 years.
• 14:26
  It would probably be 6 or 7 before I spoke to anyone other than my husband, and this one
• 14:34
  girlfriend.
• 14:35
  And then after that, it it it, you know, and and I got reactions like, well, were you
• 14:39
  flirting with him?
• 14:41
  Were you, you know, what were you wearing?
• 14:43
  Kind of that mentality then.
• 14:46
  And, and that had nothing to do with it.
• 14:50
  So, yeah, there there's been trauma for sure.
• 14:53
  And I carried that trauma through weight.
• 14:57
  I didn't resort to gambling or drinking or You know, but I did eat how I felt, and, that was
• 15:05
  certainly evident.
• 15:06
  That's not something that you can hide, right, at, I ate through all of that hurt.
• 15:14
  And I got to myself to almost close to £400.
• 15:19
  And then, through the course of, I think, just years of of sharing, years of, you know, just
• 15:29
  realizing that I'm worth it, that it wasn't my fault that I am not to blame that, these things
• 15:35
  were done to me.
• 15:37
  They weren't done, you know, they weren't done for me.
• 15:41
  I I I don't mean that in that way, but it It was it had nothing to do with me.
• 15:46
  Right?
• 15:46
  Neither of them, they were chosen, deliberate things done to me.
• 15:52
  And the more I worked through that and and tried to and the more I parented as well and
• 15:57
  realized, you know, I can't come from a a damaged place.
• 16:01
  I need to do the work.
• 16:02
  I need to explore.
• 16:04
  I'm a ferocious reader.
• 16:06
  I've done a lot of reading of, you know, that self help kind of working through things.
• 16:11
  And so it was, you know, and a lot of really amazing women that I have learned to surround
• 16:17
  myself with, who I can share with openly.
• 16:20
  And, so, yeah, it's been, I don't have my crap together.
• 16:26
  I think I think most of us will continue to work on that, Heather, to
• 16:29
  be a giant, you know, I mean Absolutely.
• 16:32
  Because we are human beings that are constantly in in interaction with, less than ideal
• 16:37
  situations.
• 16:38
  But Yes.
• 16:38
  You know, what I what I'm struck by truly is that, you know, we know the symptoms can be,
• 16:45
  you know, everything from the sense of depression, anxiety.
• 16:49
  You talked about eating disorders, which is very normal.
• 16:51
  Addiction.
• 16:54
  Things because to your point, this wasn't this wasn't about you.
• 16:57
  You're you're of the circumstance, but what happens, unfortunately, and tell me if this
• 17:01
  makes sense is you know, if you don't get the right supports or you don't like, you had a bit
• 17:06
  of a I'm gonna I'm gonna I got this because I'm not gonna give it up, because this was this was
• 17:12
  about somebody that hurt me, but what happens, unfortunately, the psyche sometimes, because it
• 17:17
  becomes the paid has to be stored somewhere.
• 17:20
  Yes.
• 17:20
  It's housed and people internalize it, and those messages become bigger and bigger.
• 17:25
  It's like a bullhorn.
• 17:26
  I don't know if that makes sense.
• 17:28
  Absolutely.
• 17:28
  You have to learn what are the steps to turn down that bullhorn because that is not who you
• 17:33
  are.
• 17:34
  Someone hurt you And in in allowing that bullhorn to run that, you've given away your
• 17:39
  power yet again.
• 17:41
  Yeah.
• 17:41
  Right?
• 17:42
  Well, in in that bull that bullhorn speaks up at at the most inopportune times too and and
• 17:48
  continues to 30 so many years later, I can't do the math on the spot here, but But it it shows
• 17:54
  up at times where you kinda go, where did that come from?
• 17:56
  And and you realize, yeah, it's it's that child in me or it's that hurt in me that, you know, I
• 18:03
  actually just had a conversation and someone asked to, be an accountability partner partner
• 18:09
  with them.
• 18:09
  And this is a woman that I just hold in such high esteem.
• 18:12
  And my gut reaction was, well, I'm not worthy.
• 18:15
  And I'm like, hold on.
• 18:17
  Where did that come from?
• 18:18
  Course I am.
• 18:19
  Right?
• 18:19
  Like, but yet it's those gut reactions.
• 18:22
  And so I I do struggle with that.
• 18:24
  I struggle with some confidence issues and yet, you know, I seem to plow ahead and just keep
• 18:29
  putting one foot in front of another, but but absolutely, there is a a recording.
• 18:33
  There's a, you know, a tape player that goes comes back every once in a while and you think,
• 18:39
  wow, where did that come from?
• 18:40
  But I know exactly where it came from and and, you know, identifying it and And having
• 18:45
  conversations like this with you, it it helps me every single time to say, you know, this I
• 18:52
  am not this I am so much more.
• 18:55
  Struggle with those things.
• 18:56
  Right?
• 18:57
  Yeah.
• 18:57
  Even without trauma, like, if we were talking about what it is and how many things women to
• 19:02
  go through.
• 19:02
  And if you think about it, you know, I was, you know, Madeline Albright, you know, who she not
• 19:09
  all sorry, all red.
• 19:11
  The lawyer who was the advocate for women's issues.
• 19:14
  And she talked a lot about her experience and she talked to why she be she became such an
• 19:19
  advocate because she had, likewise, had been raped and she became pregnant.
• 19:24
  And then when she got the strength.
• 19:26
  What she did is she took it upon herself.
• 19:28
  And this is when, you know, before the me too and all of that stuff, she's been, you know, in
• 19:32
  that role for so long.
• 19:34
  And it really brought it home because you and I had chatted, you know, I just listened to her
• 19:38
  story on, you know, a documentary and, you know, women, it's, you know, the stats
• 19:45
  unfortunately are quite high.
• 19:46
  It's 1 in 3 women, you know, before the age of eighteen that would have gone through stuff.
• 19:50
  And we see how society how things get tucked away until recently there's more people are
• 19:56
  recognizing.
• 19:56
  We have to really support others and you know, stand together and you did some, you know, so
• 20:02
  interesting, right, because, you know, people would say, what are the paths?
• 20:06
  What what should I do?
• 20:08
  You instead of, staying alone and you're paying, you're connected.
• 20:12
  Yep.
• 20:13
  You had a dear friend.
• 20:14
  Dear dear friend.
• 20:15
  That allowed you a space and and have basically, you know, held you in every sense of
• 20:20
  the word to Yeah.
• 20:21
  To give you the steps.
• 20:23
  So, you know, I I call those inoculated factors.
• 20:26
  Right?
• 20:27
  And then you started to slowly, you know, the pain was still there.
• 20:31
  Absolutely.
• 20:31
  You talked a little bit about carrying the the weight because the weight becomes a protector.
• 20:36
  Yes.
• 20:36
  Yes.
• 20:36
  He just says, don't look at me.
• 20:38
  I'm gonna, you know, I I'm gonna make sure I'm okay, which really becomes intuitively, what
• 20:42
  does the brain and body do?
• 20:44
  It protects you at at all odds until you finally start to realize with time step by step
• 20:50
  that I can do this.
• 20:51
  Yeah.
• 20:51
  I hear I hear that voice.
• 20:54
  What am I gonna do to turn it down?
• 20:55
  And it it there's so many variables that come into play where you, you know, you you kinda
• 21:00
  try something when you think, oh, that's not working so well, and you try something else.
• 21:04
  And then you before you know it, you know, you you create that that success.
• 21:08
  And I I'm I'm so happy you talked about the definition of success for women, right, because
• 21:14
  women are constantly juggling all these things.
• 21:17
  Plus you put put the added element of trauma and, you know, women are often second guessing
• 21:22
  themselves because of so many things that they do plus you, laden them with trauma, is it any
• 21:27
  wonder that we have so many women that would probably second guess am I good enough?
• 21:31
  Am I doing it right?
• 21:32
  Am I successful enough?
• 21:33
  Am I a good mom?
• 21:34
  Am
• 21:34
  I smart enough?
• 21:35
  Yes.
• 21:36
  Am I pretty enough?
• 21:37
  Everything.
• 21:37
  I'm told enough.
• 21:38
  Am I blond enough?
• 21:39
  Am I, you know, all those things things that are bombarded with women, and I think it's, you
• 21:44
  know, your story speaks to what happens, unfortunately, is, you know, the instinct of
• 21:51
  trauma as it wants you to curl up in a ball and kinda tuck yourself away and become invisible.
• 21:56
  And truly what's needed is that I call it the expansion of saying, it's not about it's not
• 22:02
  about me.
• 22:03
  You know, it's unfortunate, but what can I do about it?
• 22:06
  Let that you know, that backhand, perspective that you had that, you're not gonna take this
• 22:11
  away from me, which is this, which is the thriver mentality, which is clearly what you
• 22:15
  did.
• 22:16
  Yeah.
• 22:16
  And and and he was.
• 22:17
  And and I was very blessed that I was I grew up in a household of 3 girls, and my mom and dad
• 22:23
  told us that we could do anything we wanted.
• 22:25
  And I already had that instilled in me as far as I can dream big.
• 22:29
  I can do what I want.
• 22:30
  And even though it seems like I and I took a big hit, I those those two things were big
• 22:36
  hits.
• 22:37
  Actually, it was my very 1st day of university that, I went to me to the 1st university for
• 22:43
  music And it was my viola instructor that very 1st day who went to measure me for, if you
• 22:50
  know, a viola, you play it underneath your chin, and he went to measure me And he didn't
• 22:54
  do it like my teacher.
• 22:55
  And I said, well, don't you have to, like, take off my top and go down in my bra?
• 22:59
  And he's like, what?
• 23:01
  And it wasn't until that moment.
• 23:03
  And then that I realized that I just went through 5, 6 years of being traumatized that I
• 23:10
  didn't even know it.
• 23:12
  And and that was like this I don't know how do you like, a brick wall that just kinda came
• 23:17
  trump crumbling down.
• 23:18
  It's like, what what was that?
• 23:20
  And yet I was able to kinda tuck it away and you just move on.
• 23:23
  I mean, I was in my late teens and and and then the the the neck you know, the the summer of 87
• 23:29
  that I would have been, almost, well, I don't know, 64 to 87.
• 23:37
  Whatever it is.
• 23:37
  Right?
• 23:38
  Like, and and so it it just but then the older I get, the more distance you have from it, the
• 23:47
  more that you have time to to process what it was and you find other things that you're good
• 23:53
  at, it's not that it's just that period of time.
• 23:56
  And I was very lucky that I had my husband turned out to be a friend that I started I keep
• 24:01
  became a friend with when I was 12.
• 24:03
  He knew me before any of this had happened.
• 24:07
  And so I was able to confide in him and and He was like, you can do anything and you're gonna
• 24:12
  do anything you want and you're, you know, you you this is not going to define you and you can
• 24:16
  have whatever resources you want.
• 24:19
  And I think you and I talked to, briefly about our daughter, our oldest daughter, in her 4th
• 24:26
  year of university, horribly.
• 24:30
  We got a phone call, you know, at 10:30 at night, and she was couldn't breathe on the
• 24:36
  other end of the phone, and we're like, what's going on, she actually was raped, on campus,
• 24:43
  and it was heinous, horrendous, horrendous, horrible.
• 24:49
  And yet it was a it was an opportunity where I was able to say, You know what?
• 24:55
  There is no shame.
• 24:56
  You are not gonna live in this for a moment.
• 24:59
  We're going to, you know, get you every resource possible and her journey is going to
• 25:04
  be very different than mine because now there are resources.
• 25:08
  Now we can talk about it.
• 25:09
  Now we know that It's not about what you wore, what you or maybe maybe we do and maybe we
• 25:14
  don't.
• 25:14
  Maybe people, some people don't yet, but I knew that it wasn't about her.
• 25:20
  And and that we were able to to really help her get the resources.
• 25:24
  And 2, 3 years later, she is further along that journey of healing that it took me decades and,
• 25:31
  you know, to get to.
• 25:33
  And it's just a a different, that was a an challenging time to watch as a parent when you
• 25:41
  know that the the pain that they're going through firsthand and you go, oh, you know,
• 25:46
  what can I do?
• 25:47
  But yet, I knew what I could do because I'd been there,
• 25:50
  been there, and and and not, sharing with your parents at that time.
• 25:55
  I should not.
• 25:55
  Not at all.
• 25:57
  Through your adversity, then you recognize what could I do differently.
• 26:00
  And I, you know, and we know that.
• 26:02
  Right?
• 26:02
  Like, once, you know, you know, whoever the assault is happening to has that proper
• 26:07
  support.
• 26:09
  That there's a it is a such an additive element to healing and to your point, there's resources
• 26:16
  everywhere, you know, victim services.
• 26:18
  There's respondents at the hospital.
• 26:20
  There's you know, all those things that get done that they can get help immediately to
• 26:24
  start to, you know, obviously initially, get, you know, get ahold of the trauma when they're
• 26:29
  in crisis and then eventually go back and, you know, we process from a space of strength what
• 26:36
  has happened and give back the responsibility to who it liaise with.
• 26:39
  And then, obviously, our judicial system is getting a lot better.
• 26:42
  They're still not there.
• 26:44
  Around, you know, victim blaming, which I think, you know, with a lot more education,
• 26:49
  it's gonna get better.
• 26:50
  And then, unfortunately, with the celebrity that comes with the me too and stuff like that,
• 26:55
  we have to use those advocates to to tighten, you know, women's voices.
• 27:00
  We've we've not been involved
• 27:02
  in in that much in the in the, legal aspect because she chose very purposely for herself,
• 27:09
  not to,
• 27:11
  at this time.
• 27:12
  And she still has that window of time because we did everything by the book.
• 27:16
  But she has shown at this point not to because it she has to protect herself first at this
• 27:23
  point, wasn't prepared to go through that.
• 27:26
  And I really respect for her that that she's made the choice for herself, but it's been very
• 27:31
  informed choice.
• 27:32
  And I think that's where the difference is that she's made purposeful choices where I kind of
• 27:36
  feel like I bumbled along and, you know, didn't make it deliberate choices because they weren't
• 27:42
  at that time.
• 27:43
  It wasn't just a structure or a a process or a journey to follow.
• 27:47
  It was, you know, I'd go off the rails and not really know.
• 27:50
  And and then, you know, I dealt with depression.
• 27:53
  As I said, the weight was awful.
• 27:55
  I I kinda just carried this shroud, as you said, it protected me from a lot of things.
• 28:02
  And, yeah, it's it's been a completely different journey, for the 2 of us, but I think
• 28:07
  a unique one where we see different And she grew up in a household where I spoke about what
• 28:12
  had happened to me.
• 28:14
  And so she knew that calling home was not going to be there was gonna be no judgment, no, like,
• 28:20
  what were you doing?
• 28:21
  You know, it was going to be you know what?
• 28:23
  I I'll be there, and I had to take a train.
• 28:25
  That was the worst 9 hours of my life was sitting on a train to get to the university
• 28:31
  town to scoop her up in her car and bring her home.
• 28:35
  But it it just there wasn't the same reaction, that I feared if I was to have called home.
• 28:43
  I didn't.
• 28:44
  I didn't feel I could.
• 28:46
  And yet, Kayla knew that she could.
• 28:49
  She absolutely could, and she did.
• 28:51
  Within mere hours.
• 28:53
  You talked a lot about, and I'm curious because I wanna understand that.
• 28:58
  That you when you became a parent, you recognized that you had to have a certain level
• 29:04
  of strength because now you had these children to raise and tell me what happened when you
• 29:10
  became a parent and then you had gone to your truck.
• 29:13
  What shifted that you said?
• 29:15
  You know, I'm gonna use a benign link.
• 29:16
  I'm gonna use a story of mine.
• 29:18
  I always had problems.
• 29:20
  When I when, you know, I had to go to the doctor and they had to put a needle in my arm
• 29:23
  to get blood.
• 29:24
  I'd be like, I'd look away and I'd, you know, I I go all this stuff and then my son was born,
• 29:29
  and he was born a month early, and he was jaundiced.
• 29:32
  And I
• 29:32
  remember saying to myself, And here's this little, you know, little thing because, you
• 29:36
  know, feeder, you know, this tiny, and I had to take him in to get they had to take blood.
• 29:44
  And I looked at him and, you know, obviously, he's using his helpless, and I I thought I'm
• 29:49
  taking this helpless little baby.
• 29:51
  I'm his mother.
• 29:52
  And they're gonna have to prick him several times a week.
• 29:54
  I have to start looking because I need to give him the support and not think about myself
• 30:01
  because I'm a grown, you know, grown ass woman.
• 30:03
  Sorry.
• 30:03
  Don't mean to say that.
• 30:05
  And I that's when I shifted to say, you can look at that needle because he needs for you to
• 30:10
  look at that needle, and you'll be okay.
• 30:12
  And something shifted in me and ever since that day, I've been able to look at It doesn't
• 30:17
  bother me again.
• 30:19
  Well, it's it's interesting.
• 30:20
  And and my dad has passed.
• 30:22
  My mom is still living, and I I love her.
• 30:25
  But and so but I grew up in an era, and I think many women of my 56 year era, grew up with year
• 30:34
  to be seen and not heard.
• 30:37
  And, you know, that we were you didn't talk back.
• 30:40
  You didn't express your opinion.
• 30:43
  You, you know, at least that was my experience as the oldest child.
• 30:48
  And, we were as I said, we were given every blessing in life, and we came from an amazing
• 30:54
  household, amazing community, but not without, you know, some issues or if you wanna say that,
• 31:01
  but I grew up really knowing that that we just didn't challenge the authority.
• 31:05
  We didn't challenge you know, elders or I grew up feeling voice less if that's that's how I've
• 31:13
  coined it since the time.
• 31:15
  Like, I certainly didn't feel that as a as a young child or as a teenager, or even those 1st
• 31:20
  few years going off to university, I didn't feel that way.
• 31:23
  But I've come to identify it as just not feeling like I had my own personal voice.
• 31:29
  And I I was thirty when our oldest was born.
• 31:32
  And so I had a few years under me, and, if you experiences by then, and I I decided very, very
• 31:38
  early on, and I can't say I, we, my husband and I, that we wanted our kids to have a voice, and
• 31:45
  we didn't have to agree with their voice.
• 31:47
  They were gonna learn respect, but we wanted to hear them out.
• 31:51
  And it was interesting because my kids are as different as day night.
• 31:57
  You could not have 2 biologically biological siblings be more different than mine too.
• 32:02
  And so it it caused a lot of of me because if one would say black, the other one would say
• 32:07
  white.
• 32:07
  If one said I'm gonna go right, the other one said I'm gonna go left.
• 32:10
  Like, it just was a constant, right, from the day the second one was born.
• 32:13
  And And but, yeah, I was very true.
• 32:16
  We were very true to the fact that we wanted them to be able to express themselves and have
• 32:20
  their opinion and and tell us what they were thinking And a lot of that came from the fact
• 32:25
  that I wanted to have a voice that could talk to them as well.
• 32:31
  I wanted them to know that they could tell us anything anywhere, anytime, but that came by
• 32:36
  being deliberate because it's not what I had experienced growing up.
• 32:41
  And so I think I don't I don't think it was anything more earth shattering than that was
• 32:45
  that when we had children, we decided very specifically that we were going to be very open
• 32:50
  and allow them to be individuals, and they were.
• 32:53
  And, I mean, you know, like, Chris was wearing their fighting.
• 32:56
  Right?
• 32:56
  Like, it's just It was, it made for some uncomfortable ties, but, for the most part,
• 33:03
  they are very individual individuals.
• 33:07
  Who now get along and and for the most part, but they, so I I think that's one thing that I
• 33:12
  look back and I think, yeah, that was a a a a move that worked out for us.
• 33:17
  Right?
• 33:17
  There was that both kids, knew that they could talk to us about anything, anytime, anywhere.
• 33:23
  Go through your adversity, and I'm gonna gonna and, you know, I'm also in your era because I'm
• 33:28
  54.
• 33:28
  And I grew up in the Caribbean, which is probably gonna be less open.
• 33:32
  I think I times than seeing North America at that time.
• 33:35
  And, you know, if you think about it, that adversity of I couldn't I didn't feel safe
• 33:43
  enough to say what happened.
• 33:45
  And you could have you could have repeated that pattern, Heather, but you is.
• 33:50
  Yep.
• 33:50
  Yep.
• 33:50
  You you said, okay.
• 33:51
  Well, I this has happened.
• 33:53
  I'm gonna figure out my way.
• 33:55
  And then, like, when you married like you said, then you decided together that, systemically,
• 34:01
  you were gonna create an open system that set your children regardless regardless of what
• 34:06
  happens even though you didn't grow up with that loving kind parents in a different
• 34:11
  context, then you said, Openbook.
• 34:16
  Yeah.
• 34:17
  And and and I don't know why.
• 34:19
  It just was very important to me to be heard.
• 34:22
  And if I wanted to be heard, I wanted kids that were raised to be heard and that would listen
• 34:27
  to others.
• 34:28
  And, yeah, I Yeah.
• 34:32
  I don't know.
• 34:32
  I really don't know why, and I I probably should give that some thought, Roxanne, as to
• 34:36
  why it was so important to me, but maybe it was, you know, it's it's interesting because in
• 34:41
  the moment of, my assault, with the field supervisor, The one thing that I constantly the
• 34:48
  image that flashes back to me is me screaming no, repeatedly.
• 34:53
  And and I think part of that is when I say I didn't have a voice I wasn't heard.
• 34:59
  And and I didn't I knew I didn't have a voice with the viola teacher.
• 35:02
  I mean, I I didn't even know better, right, quite frankly, I didn't know better.
• 35:05
  But with the with the rape, I I knew what was happening to me.
• 35:09
  It was slow motion, but I know that it kept just saying no, no, no, and And whether that
• 35:14
  drives me and and whether I just I have this compelling need to be heard.
• 35:18
  And it's interesting because even in my professional work, I have a drive to be heard.
• 35:25
  I think that's why I started my second business was because I had an area of expertise that I
• 35:29
  wanted to share but I also wanted to be heard as an expert.
• 35:34
  And and, you know, whether that's just intrinsic in me that that's part of how I work
• 35:39
  through things.
• 35:40
  I don't know.
• 35:41
  But, yeah, it's certainly been, a big part of of who I am and how I've handled things.
• 35:49
  That makes sense then because, like, if you look at it, like, that that concept of having a
• 35:53
  voice, I think you will hear a lot of survivor's talk about it.
• 35:56
  It becomes a pinnacle, but I think intuitively as human beings, there's a deep part of us that
• 36:03
  needs to be heard.
• 36:04
  And then if it gets taken away by a trauma, it's almost like it has that reverberating
• 36:10
  effect.
• 36:10
  It has to come out at some point, right, as developmentally, I think as human beings, and
• 36:15
  as women, like with some of the things we're talking about, you have to fight that much
• 36:19
  harder.
• 36:19
  And then when that gets ripped away, it it it it it gets created in energy.
• 36:23
  And sometimes, Unfortunately, some women go the other way where they curl in and and they they
• 36:29
  they become smaller and they become invisible, which I clearly out of this interview for
• 36:33
  anybody listening, you have shown what it is to thrive through adversity, right, and not let
• 36:41
  events, that has nothing to do with you.
• 36:45
  Take your power.
• 36:46
  Yeah.
• 36:47
  Yeah.
• 36:47
  And and I hope that is a message because I I didn't set out to know that.
• 36:51
  Like, I I it's but but it has proven itself to be incredibly solid thinking is that that reach
• 37:00
  out.
• 37:00
  One of the the things I say is be patient with yourself, but have the courage to to ask and to
• 37:05
  reach out and to talk to others.
• 37:07
  Like, you know, go quiet.
• 37:09
  Yes.
• 37:09
  But not forever.
• 37:11
  Not, you know, to your detriment that you've gotta reach out and and talk to others.
• 37:15
  And I Actually, one of the one of the, so our our son, who's the second born, is an amazing
• 37:25
  person, and I was sharing his story one time from the stage.
• 37:28
  And I had a mom come and say because of of what you've said, I know I'm gonna be okay.
• 37:33
  And I think what we have to do all the time is is just say, you know, what?
• 37:37
  This is my story, and the more you say it out loud, others will will learn from that, but
• 37:41
  you'll learn about yourself when you talk out loud and you learn how other people have coped
• 37:45
  and you can take that and and, you know, course correct if you have to for your self, but,
• 37:51
  trying to be an island that just tries to figure out things out on your own doesn't work.
• 37:56
  No.
• 37:56
  No.
• 37:56
  You need you need every life raft there is.
• 37:59
  And time, you know, backups to backups to be
• 38:01
  able to see.
• 38:03
  Yeah.
• 38:03
  Absolutely.
• 38:04
  Yeah.
• 38:05
  So what I'd like people to really recognize and why it's so important for me, with trauma is
• 38:11
  that a lot of people lose their way, right, where because that the pain is that palpable
• 38:18
  when a trauma happens, and the brain and the body does its thing.
• 38:21
  It does what it needs to do to keep us alive.
• 38:24
  And in your situation, why I find this so powerful is that you've been able to pivot
• 38:29
  that, and, you know, use different methods Right?
• 38:33
  Like you said, you didn't do the traditional way.
• 38:36
  You know, you figured out the friendships.
• 38:38
  You got the connections.
• 38:39
  You you and then when things got bigger, you thought, okay.
• 38:41
  I gotta do something different.
• 38:43
  You connected, you connected, you connected, because again, when we're depressed, we wanna
• 38:47
  fall in and we wanna just kinda shut out the world.
• 38:49
  We need to maybe do that initially when there's a trauma but then the more the quicker that you
• 38:53
  can open up, then you're you're gonna get that connection.
• 38:56
  And as soon as, like, you know, you and I have not met in person, but we've had two
• 39:01
  conversations.
• 39:01
  And now I see your beautiful face, you know, there's a connection that happens human to
• 39:06
  human, and that's where, healing happens.
• 39:10
  Well, and I also think I I I think back to a woman that's in my life now who I I think
• 39:16
  people are putting your path and and they see in you what you may have lost in yourself.
• 39:21
  And and that for me, back in 2013 when my dad had passed away just probably about 6, 7 weeks
• 39:27
  prior, and and he was a big figure in my life.
• 39:30
  And and, I was pretty lost and I was very, very heavy.
• 39:34
  And I was in the throes of of, you know, parenting teenage kids and all of that.
• 39:39
  Right?
• 39:39
  And and all of that and running.
• 39:41
  And I had employees at the time and and I had this vision of of who I thought I could be and
• 39:46
  I wasn't delivering on it.
• 39:48
  And it just I was I called myself a hot mess at that point.
• 39:52
  But, she saw in me what I didn't see in myself, and I would encourage other people that if you
• 39:57
  have people that that say to you, you are this or you are that, or I see you as this trust
• 40:03
  them.
• 40:03
  Trust them because you you don't you don't, you don't, buy into yourself.
• 40:11
  If, you know, like, we're we're hardest on ourselves.
• 40:14
  And and so if you can trust that what someone else sees in you is really real, then lean on
• 40:21
  that and and invest in that and and lean into what they're saying and how you are.
• 40:25
  And if you can't trust yourself or rely on yourself, then rely on someone else.
• 40:29
  And and I have to say that at that point, and, when this woman, you know, saw in me what I
• 40:35
  could be and what I had lost sight of, those people in your life are so, so important.
• 40:40
  And it doesn't have to be this lady was a a business coach, actually.
• 40:45
  And and didn't know me from anyone else in the room, but over time, got to know me and then
• 40:51
  spoke to me in a way that I went, oh, Wow.
• 40:53
  You see that?
• 40:54
  You know, I don't see that in myself and and, so I think it's listening to others and and
• 40:59
  trusting others that they see you differently.
• 41:02
  Than how your own recording, your own, you know, tape, your own, you know, mindset may
• 41:08
  fail you.
• 41:08
  So Oh, this has been an amazing interview.
• 41:12
  Thanks so much for sharing your story.
• 41:15
  And for anyone out there that, you know, is inspired by this, you know, Heather, they might
• 41:22
  want to chat with you.
• 41:24
  They might want you to tell your story on stage about, adversity and change, where is it that
• 41:31
  people can get a hold of of you if they'd want you to do that?
• 41:34
  Well, first of all, I'd love to just a simple phone call, if that's what someone needs, just
• 41:40
  an ear to listen and to to, share with.
• 41:43
  I can be reached through my second business primarily, which is, email, which is
• 41:47
  heather@plannerprotect.ca.
• 41:52
  So just as it sounds, the word planner the word protect.ca.
• 41:58
  Or, yeah, it's probably the easiest way is by email.
• 42:01
  You could probably find me on Facebook pretty easy to find, but, I would be delighted to
• 42:06
  connect with anyone that that needs a confidant or, you know, that I can shore up with some in
• 42:12
  some manner, I would love to have that privilege to do that.
• 42:15
  So
• 42:16
  Thank you.
• 42:16
  How gracious of you, Heather?
• 42:18
  So what am I walking away with?
• 42:21
  You know, I I talk a lot about relationships, and I think what what Heather showed today is
• 42:28
  that there will be things in our lives that gets us disconnected for who we are truly meant
• 42:33
  to be.
• 42:35
  And to use, to her last point, because we are so tough on ourselves.
• 42:42
  Use others, that see that keep that reflective lens clear
• 42:47
  and
• 42:47
  then go along a bit at a time.
• 42:49
  And eventually, you'll reconnect to that authentic self.
• 42:52
  Yep.
• 42:52
  And, again, Heather, this has been amazing, for anyone that ever wants to, you know, work on
• 42:59
  that piece within themselves.
• 43:02
  I can be reached at Roxanne com.
• 43:05
  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive,
• 43:11
  healthy change.
• 43:12
  Roxanne is a keynote speaker psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne.
• 43:18
  Visit rocksandurhaj.com/blueprint.
• 43:22
  We'll see you next time on authentic living with Roxanne.