Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Is My Marriage Over, Or Am I Just Tired? | Why You Feel So Exhausted? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep454

Transcript

Is My Marriage Over, Or Am I Just Tired? | Why You Feel So Exhausted? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep454 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is my marriage over?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of commitment in marriage.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Can you outgrow a soulmate?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Rebound relationships, healing, or escaping.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: The value in solitude and growth, our big fuck up?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: When kids replace your spouse, is my marriage over or am I just tired?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the More Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: What a question.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's your first thought now?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Is my marriage over or am I just tired?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds like the stupidest comparison I've ever heard.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I can't wait to hear what he's gonna say.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, am I so right, am I am I just exhausted?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Do I not have anything left to give?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: If you can recognize that you're just tired and you're exhausted of the crap, that doesn't mean your marriage is over.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: That means that you just fucking quit.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Ding ding ding ding ding.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I I had to bring this up.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's not the same.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Your marriage is over, only if you're you're like when when you've actually tried everything, which is impossible by the way, unless you've worked with us and everybody else in the world, when your marriage is over, you actually feel, if you've done all the work, you feel more refreshed at the end of it because you do everything that you possibly can.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: You grow, the the goal is to influence your partner into growth.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: No matter what program you're doing, no matter what you're doing, you want to grow together.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: At the end of that, if your partner really doesn't grow with you and you've grown, you are so strong, you are such a powerhouse that you are ready for life and you are not exhausted, you are not tired.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're just tired, that means that you're checked out, you're doing nothing, you're making excuses, and you're validating a bunch of BS that just isn't true.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's my wife on the rant today.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: You mean me.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I just I I never, you guys know I never see the title before we start talking about it.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: And what a stupid thing to say.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: I normally don't call people stupid, I'm not calling you stupid, but that's a stupid thing to say.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: It is, but here's a little passionate about this.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the thing.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're lucky you didn't read all the emails.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So when we go to film four or five episodes, guys, I go look and see what your questions are.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because we have a form you can fill out on the website.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, did somebody ask this question?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, not somebody.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there was like 12 emails in the last 30 days with this sort of topic, right?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: One, for example, is like this, this one is the worst one, but was like, um, my partner's sick, she's got mental issues, she won't do anything with her meds, so she's really checked out.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm exhausted.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Is it over?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck did you just say?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: You just said your wife has mental issues and she won't go to the doctor.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: That means you need to help her.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: She needs help.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's what you signed up for.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: 25 years of marriage.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Or worse.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: This is the worst part that they talked about on day one.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember those vows?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: This is it right now.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Pull it out.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't read all the questions.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Seriously, this topic is making me upset.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this is why you say for better or for worse.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the problem is people just use words because it's part of a ceremony to look pretty and have a great day.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's not, you guys.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Those they're vows.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like you, you actually you're supposed to mean them.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: My goodness.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is, you guys, too many of you.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Your vow should have said, when my wife gets sick, I'm going to abandon her.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's it.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Say that.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: If that's what you mean when you get married, put that put it in your vows.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I also say.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I always tell people I do this on reels all the time to go viral.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, well, you didn't say it, I'll stay with you as long as you don't fuck someone else.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're not supposed to cheat.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of you need to put that shit in your vows.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's too late.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's too late.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to know something funny?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's that?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: So when I was a little girl, I hated putting the dishes away.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: It was my um chore.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have to do a lock growing up, but I hated it, and my dad said, make sure when you get married, you put in your vows that you're never putting away a dish.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because then you won't have to do it.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Vows are real.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Vows are real.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't put it in our vows.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: I do put dishes away occasionally.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the thing.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Recently we did well, we're doing quite often, uh, these inform in online trainings, information, like uh teaching, okay, webinars.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You like I hate the term webinar because it's like let's go sell, go sell.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's not that's not what we want to do.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: But we're talking about space, which means smothering, which means um feeling like someone is actually exhausted because there's too much love, it's not real, though.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's tied to contracts, for example, giving to get, blah, blah, blah, blah, okay.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Partner wants space, and also separation and divorce.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're all the same, they're just a different level.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: When you are trying to like rationalize this, I want you to realize that if your partner wants space, or if you're the one who wants space, okay, which that's what you're doing.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you're this dude, your wife's got this mental illness, you've been married for 25 years, and you're thinking about getting divorced, that's you wanting space, okay?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, guess what?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your life is about to get way more chaotic.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been a single dad?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I realize your kids could be older because you're married 25 years, but the point is, like, you're just literally saying, remember, Catherine said, you you feel like supercharged, like you feel like on fire.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you take on the world when you've actually grown, that means your patience also grows.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: That means contempt fades, the resentment fades.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: You like literally have more.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, things get easier, right?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: You actually have better people in your life that support you, that love you, that can help you.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: You actually, all these things start to change in your life that prove that you're a different person.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And time and time again, excuse me, if even if one of us says to our client, well, I think we should probably look at boundaries.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Almost always they're like, I could do something better.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I could do something more.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's somebody who grows.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're never too exhausted or too tired.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: They feel better every day, and they're like, What else could I do differently?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's like when Catherine and I have a thing.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: If I apologize for something, she'd be like, baby, I I I should have done XYZ.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're always like fighting to see you could be wrong.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you don't do that shit.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're literally blaming when you every one of you sent those emails asking the question, should I leave?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is it over?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know when it's over?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, how do I know when you try?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I know.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know when you try?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what do you do?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're about to, like, actually, I was gonna say about to, we always have like these next things that we add in, these next things that we we build and we create and we implement and we show and we teach, you know.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: I got new stuff just just coming out this week.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if we are doing that all the time, you don't get to say you're exhausted.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what, we're doing way more than you.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Never mind learning, creating.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's just because of our job.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: She worked late out, so we did the Father's Day thing, then we came home, did farm shit, and then they did more farm shit than me.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I got to work with music stuff for you guys, and then we stayed up late, like 9-10 to get a bunch of stuff done.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: You did a bunch of stuff too.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I wrote two papers yesterday.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like what are you guys talking about?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You tried everything.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta realize that you're exhausted because you're not doing things correctly.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're doing things that make you tired.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly right.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: You waste time and energy on things that are draining you instead of fulfilling you and giving you life.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: When you start to do that correctly, you will have more energy.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you just this is this, don't think this is a workout thing, but it's kind of like you've all heard if you work out and eat right, you'll have more energy.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you sleep better, you'll have more energy.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Will you sleep better when you work out?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: What if you start using your brain differently?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm just gonna say, learning, for example, okay?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: What if you learned emotional control so you don't feel the same pressure if your partner's, I don't know, screaming at you?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: What if you learn how to be more connected to your children so you're not up and down their roller coaster right now?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: You don't feel so fucking tired and less likely to quit then?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what I like that you said?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: You're tired because you're doing things wrong.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: So go back to my example, which is very simple and not related to this at all, but putting dishes away.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: What happens if you put all of the plates where the mugs are supposed to go?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: What do you have to do?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: You have to go take the plates and then put them where the plates go.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: So if you do it wrong the first time, that means you have to do it a second time.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: So you're doing something twice, that's why you're tired.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now that's a simple example with dishes.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: It could be anything that you're doing.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: So when you say you've tried everything, you let's say that you've tried therapy and you went to therapy and you didn't do any of the homework, you guys fought on the way home.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Going to therapy isn't about the one hour that you sit in the room.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's about digesting the things you learn, doing your homework, and implementing it at home.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: So you're doing it wrong if you're just going and said, Oh, I did my part, I went to therapy.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: I dragged my husband to therapy, he didn't want to be there.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well, he didn't want to be there because you probably emotional vomited on the therapist, all the things that he's doing wrong, or vice versa.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then you get your homework and you think he's supposed to do it, you're blaming.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is just another example of how you could be doing something wrong.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're doing therapy wrong.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I've tried therapy.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you did it wrong.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now you have to do it again, do it right, find the right therapist.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Everything that you're doing, potentially you're doing wrong, meaning that you're wasting energy.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: This is why you're tired, because you're spinning your tires going nowhere.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I love that.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I wasn't even thinking about that, but the do over thing.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like do you ever heard the expression do it uh you always have time to do it uh over, but never enough time to do it right.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you understand measure twice, caught once.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, do it right.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: So there is um like anything you can think of that you're moving, even just the kitchen that she was just talking about, especially because most of you aren't really in great shape, let's get real.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so like at the end of the day, reaching high and moving, there was more steps in there, by the way, because if you're putting the plates where the mugs go, that means you had to move the mugs too.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like it just you had to.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you're doing all this extra.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: It should be obvious.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: What he's saying is it should be obvious that you're doing it wrong, but you're so complacent and you don't care that you don't even, it doesn't matter what you're doing, so you just do it just to say that you did it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: No, how exhausting, of course you're asking about being exhausted.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: How exhausting is it talking about the past?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: When we tell you time and time again, in fact, we show you when you do online trainings, we show you in our programs, we talk about this stuff all the time that we didn't talk about our past to figure out our poop.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: The past, the pain, the abuse, the bullshit was all a result of other issues.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: We address those issues, right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not exhausting when you're happier, when you're laughing more, when you're having a good time.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's just the more and more you understand, the more you learn, the more you'll create the life that you want.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: You won't be exhausted, you'll be happy.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're not it's like when we were talking about the that cheese outgrowing you thing.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's all on fire with that song.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: But like, I had a beautiful message from somebody who was like, I I see it.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I see it.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine was there for you.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Good.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Men and women, can you be there for your spouse?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because truly, when we've seen people move forward, what if it does take a little while?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: What if it does take four years?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna get better all the way.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna take four years to be healed, it's gonna take like four years or five years, or we're still receiving breakthrough.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: We're at the five-year mark now from the real, real, real work.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not to mention all the other work when we didn't know what we were doing.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: So it'll be six years in November.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's it's better and better and better.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: You don't look at it like, oh my gosh, it's all chaotic.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Most of those years have been great.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Most of those years have been a lot of them have been incredibly great.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Incredible, wonderful, on fire, perfect.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Not dumpster fire.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: You are.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: You are, but you guys look at it like you want the damn magic pill.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So after, and here's the thing, and you relate that to your decades together, that means there's decades of pain.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, you should be grateful that we can get you there in with 30 days, 60 days, 90 days.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, that's out of the chaos.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And now let it build.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy the ride.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Have some fun.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: See you guys.