Latest / Classic Adventure Books - Daily / 06 - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
Transcript
- Chapter six, Pig and Pepper. For a minute or two she stood looking at the house and wondering what to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the wood. She considered a footman because he was in Livery, Otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called him a fish, and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It was opened by another footman in Livery, with a round face in large eyes like a frog, and both footmen, Alice noticed, had powdered hair and curls all over their head. She felt very curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen. The fish footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying, in a solemn tone, for the Duchess an invitation from the Queen to play croquet. The frog footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little, from the Queen an invitation for the duchess to play croquet. Then they both bowed, and their curls got entangled together. Alice laught so much as that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her. And when she next peeped out, the fish footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky. Alice went timidly up to the door and knocked. There's no sort of use in knocking, said the footman, and that for two reasons. First because I'm on the same side of the door as you. Secondly, because they are making such a noise inside that no one could possibly hear you. And certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on within, a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then a great crash, as if a dish or a kettle had been broken to pieces. Please, then, said Alice, how am I to get in? There might be some sense in your knocking, The footman went on, without attending to her, if we had a door between us, for instance, if you were inside, you might knock and I could let you out. You know, he was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking. And this, Alice thought, decidedly and civil. But perhaps he can't help it. She said to herself. His eyes are so very nearly at the top of his head. But at any rate he might answer questions, How am I to get in? She repeat aloud. I shall sit here, the footman remarked, till tomorrow. At this moment, the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming out straight for the footman's head. It just grazed his nose and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him. Or next day maybe, The footman continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothing had happened. How am I to get in? Asked Alice in a louder tone. Are you to get in at all? Said the footman, that's the first question, you know, It was no doubt. Only Alice did not like to be told. So it's really dreadful, she muttered to herself, the way all these creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy. The footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark with variations. I shall sit here, he said, on and off for days and days. But what am I to do, said Alice. Anything you like, said the footman, and began whistling. Oh, there's no use in talking to him, said Alice desperately. He's perfectly idiotic, and then opened the door and went in. The door led right into a large kitchen which was full of smoke from one end to the other. The Duchess was sitting on a three legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby. The cook was leaning over the fire, stirring a large caldron which seemed to be full of soup. There's certainly too much pepper in that soup, Alice said to herself, as well as she could for sneezing, there certainly was too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess sneezed occasionally, and as for the baby, was sneezing and howling alternately without a moment's pause. The only two creatures in the kitchen that did not sneeze were the cook and the large cat, which was laying on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear. Please, would you tell me, said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak. First, Why you are cat grins like that? It's a cheshure cat, said the Duchess, and that's why pig. She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice quite jumped, But she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the baby and not to her, so she took courage and went on again. I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned. In fact, I didn't know that cats could grin They all can, said the Duchess, And most of them do. I don't know any of that, do, said Alice, very politely, feeling quite pleased to have gotten into a conversation. You don't know much, said the Duchess, and that's a fact. Alice did not like it all the tone of this remark, and thought it would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation. While she was trying to fix on one, the cook took the caldron of soup off the fire and at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby. The fire irons came first, then followed a shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them even when they hit her, and the baby was howling so much already that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not. Oh please mind what you're doing, cried Alex, jumping up and down an agony of terror. Oh there goes as precious nose as an unusually large saucepan flew by, and very nearly carried it off. If everybody minded their own business, this said the Duchess in a horse growl. The world would go around a deal faster than it does, which would not be an advantage, said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. Just think of what work it would make of her the day and night. You see, the earth takes twenty four hours to turn around on its axis. Talking of axis, said the Duchess, chop off her head. Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook to see if she meant to take the hint, but the cook was busily stirring the soup and seemed not to be listening. She went on again, twenty four hours, I think, or is it twelve? I? Oh, don't bother me, said the Duchess. I never could abide figures, And with this she began nursing the child again singing a sort of lullabye to it as she did so, and giving a violent shake at the end of every line, speak roughly to your little boy, and beat him when he sneezes. He only does it to annoy because he knows it teases. And then the chorus, in which the cook and the baby joined Wow Wow Wow. While the duchess saying the second verse of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so that Alice could hardly hear the words, I speak severely to my boy and beat him when he sneezes, for he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper when he pleases. Wow wow Wow. Here you might nurse it a bit if you like, The duchess said to Alice, flinging the baby at her as she spoke, I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen. And she hurried out the room, and the cook threw a frying pan after her. She went, but just missed her. Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer shaped little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions, just like a starfish, thought Alice. The poor little thing was snorting like a steam engine when she caught it, and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether for the first minute or two, it was as much as she could do to hold it. As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it, which was to twist it up in a sort of knot, and then keep tight hold of its rear end and left foot to prevent its undoing itself, she carried it into the open air. If I don't take this child away from me, thought Alice, they're sure to kill it in a day or two. Wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind? She said the last words out loud, and the little thing grunted in reply. It had left off sneezing by this time. Don't grunt, said Alice. That's not at all a proper way of expressing yourself. The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the matter with it. There could be no doubt that it had a very turn up nose, which was more like a snout than a real nose. Also, its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby altogether. Alice did not like the look of the thing at all. But perhaps it's only sobbing, she thought, and looked into its eyes again to see if there were any tears. No, there were no tears. If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear, said Alice, seriously, I've got nothing more to do with you mine now. The poor little thing sobbed again or grunted, it was impossible to say which, and then went on for some while in silence. Alice was just beginning to think to herself, now what am I supposed to do with this creature when I get home? When it grunted again so violently that she looked down into its face with some alarm. This time, there could be no mistake about it. It was neither more or less than a pig, and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it any further. So she let the little creature down, and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the woods. If it had grown up, she said to herself, it would have made a dreadfully ugly child, But it makes a rather handsome pig. I think and she began thinking of her other children she knew who might do very well as pigs, and was just saying to herself, if one only knew the right way to change them. When she was a little startled by seeing the cheshire cat sitting on the bow of a tree just a few yards off. The cat only grinned when it saw Alice, and it looked good natured, she thought. Still, it had very long claws and a great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect. Cheshire Puss. She began rather timidly, and she did not at all know whether it would like the name. However, it only grinned a little wider. Come, it's pleased so far, thought Alice, and she went on, would you tell me please which way I ought to go from here? That depends a good deal on where you want to go, said the cat. I don't much care where, said Alice. Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said the cat, so as long as I go somewhere, Alice added with explanation. Oh, you're sure to do that, said the cat, if only you walk long enough. Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another question, what sort of people live about here? In that direction, the cat said, waving its right par round, lives a hatter, and in that direction, waving the other paw, leaves a march here. Visit either you like? They're both mad, But I don't want to go among mad people. Alice remarked, Oh, you can't help that, said the cat. We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad. How do you know I'm mad? Said Alice. You must be, said the cat, or you wouldn't have come here. Alice didn't think that proves it at all. However, she went on, and how do you know that you're mad to begin with? Said the cat. A dog's not mad? You grat that? I suppose so, said Alice. Well, then the cat went on. You see a dog growls when it's angry and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad. I call it purring, not growling, said Alice. Call it what you like, said the cat. Do you play croquet with the Queen today? I should like it very much, said Alice. But I haven't been invited yet, you'll see me there, said the cat, and vanished. Alice was not much surprised at this, she was getting so well used to the queer things happening. While she was still looking at the place where it had been, it suddenly appeared again by the bye. What became of the baby? Said the cat. I'd nearly forgotten to ask. It turned into a pig, Alice answered, very quietly, just as if the cat had come back in a natural way. I thought it would, said the cat, and vanished again. Alice waited a little half expecting to see it again, but it did not appear. After a minute or two, she walked on in the direction in which the march Hare was said to live. I've seen hatteras before, she said to herself. The march Hare will be much more interesting, and perhaps, as this says, may, it won't be raving mad, at least not so mad as it was in March. She said this, she looked up, and there was the cat again, sitting on the branch of a tree. Did you say, pig or fig? Said the cat. I said pig, replied Alice. And I wish that you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly you make one quite giddy, all right, said the cat, And this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. Well. I've often seen a cat without a grin, thought Alice. But a grin without a cat, It's the most curious thing I ever saw in all my life. She had not gone much further before she came in sight of the house of the march Hare. She thought it must be the right house, because the chimneys were shaped like ears, and the roof was thatched with fur. It was such a large house that she did not like to go nearer till she had nibbled some more of the left hand bit of a mushroom, and she raised herself about two feet high. Even then, she walked up towards it rather timidly, saying to herself, suppose it should be raving mad. After all, I almost wish I'd gone to the hatter instead. End of Chapter six