Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #728 Confessions From an Absent Parenting Expert

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#728 Confessions From an Absent Parenting Expert · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now that don't need you to be perfect. They're not
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  Speaker 2: expecting you to be perfect. All they need to know
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  Speaker 2: is that they're loved and that we'll carry them through
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  Speaker 2: all of the other stuff, all of the other junk.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Well, Kylie, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do.
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  Speaker 3: I'll do better tomorrow. Today in our Happy Families podcast
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  Speaker 3: episode that's all about how we're learning from our parenting
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  Speaker 3: and there's a really good reason for it, which I'm
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  Speaker 3: going to explain in just a sec. But before we
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  Speaker 3: do that, we promised our podcast listeners that we would
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  Speaker 3: fill them in just briefly on our wedding anniversary getaway,
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  Speaker 3: which we are now four days back from. And I
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  Speaker 3: don't know about you, but I'm still tired from the
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  Speaker 3: time zone difference and from the late nights and everything.
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  Speaker 4: Else that's happened since we've gotten back.
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  Speaker 2: It never ceases to amaze me that sitting in a
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  Speaker 2: car or a plane tiring, so tiring, but all of
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  Speaker 2: the commute it really really takes it out of you.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah. So for those of you who missed it, Kylie
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  Speaker 4: and I celebrated our.
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  Speaker 3: Twenty fifth wedding anniversary at the start of the week
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  Speaker 3: and we've kind of created this, I don't know, unwritten,
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  Speaker 3: weird tradition thing where Kylie looks after Valentine's and I
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  Speaker 3: look after our wedding anniversary. And I loved to surprise Kylie.
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  Speaker 3: So this year we did something we've never done it before.
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  Speaker 3: It was inspired by mister Beast walking across the university campus.
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  Speaker 3: For those of you who are not familiar, Miss to
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  Speaker 3: Beast is a YouTube the number one YouTube video producer
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  Speaker 3: in the world, walking across the university campus and saying, hey,
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  Speaker 3: I'll give you some money if you'll fly to Paris
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  Speaker 3: and pick me up a baguette and bring it home.
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  Speaker 3: So some guy said, yeah, I'll do it for three
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  Speaker 3: hundred bucks. And I just thought, got to do something
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  Speaker 3: crazy like that with Kylie for our anniversary. So we
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  Speaker 3: organized for a weekend. Well, I organized a surprise weekend
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  Speaker 3: in Queenstown where we went and we walked on a glacier,
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  Speaker 3: the Tasmin Glacier at Mount Cook. Mountaint Cook's at New
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  Speaker 3: Zealand's highest mountain.
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  Speaker 4: What else did we do?
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  Speaker 3: We went in the super fastold you call it.
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  Speaker 4: The Shotover jet boat.
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  Speaker 3: Crazy drive fast through the ravines in the jet boat.
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  Speaker 2: Those things were awesome, But I think the thing that
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  Speaker 2: was probably the biggest highlight for.
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  Speaker 3: Me spending a weekend uninterrupted with me, is that what
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  Speaker 3: it was?
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  Speaker 4: No kids, no kids. No.
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  Speaker 2: We tried riverboarding, yes, yes. A few weeks ago on
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  Speaker 2: the podcast we talked about the fact that I wanted
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  Speaker 2: to do things that challenged me. Yeah, you did, and
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  Speaker 2: when you go to touristy places, there's always you know,
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  Speaker 2: bungee jumping or crazy canyon swings and things like that.
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  Speaker 4: They tried to convince you to do that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I don't enjoy. It's actually less about the
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  Speaker 2: fear and more about the the massive shot of adrenaline
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  Speaker 2: that goes through my body and it just doesn't feel
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  Speaker 2: good to me. Even when I get to the other end,
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  Speaker 2: I actually feel sick. So I didn't want to do
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  Speaker 2: something like that. But I'm all about kind of pushing
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  Speaker 2: myself and pushing boundaries. And we were going to go
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  Speaker 2: whitewater rafting, but the guy the counter said, if you
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  Speaker 2: really want to thrill, you need to try riverboarding. Riverboarding
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  Speaker 2: is literally wet suit, flip is, helmet and a boogie
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  Speaker 2: board in the rapids, And it was.
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  Speaker 4: Just awes was so much fun, wasn't it.
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  Speaker 2: I was so scared. I thought for sure I was
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  Speaker 2: going to not drown because we had life jackets on,
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  Speaker 2: but just get lost in it all. And once you
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  Speaker 2: understand the movement of water, it's actually quite easy to navigate.
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  Speaker 2: But going through the rapids with nothing more than just
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  Speaker 2: your being was a little bit nerve wracking. And you
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  Speaker 2: hit the water fast, you're in the water, you're in
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  Speaker 2: the flow, and the next thing, like what we were
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  Speaker 2: in the water for maybe ten fifteen seconds and we'd
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  Speaker 2: hit our first set of rapids.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, but it was so much fun. It really was.
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  Speaker 3: So we and of course we got to spend a
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  Speaker 3: whole lot of time together with my mum looking after
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  Speaker 3: the kids, my mom and dad looking after the kids.
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  Speaker 4: It was great, I have to.
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  Speaker 2: Say, probably outside of the time that we spent together,
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  Speaker 2: the other highlight was just how much attention your parents
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  Speaker 2: gave to our children while we were gone.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: They have been, like us, very busy with their life
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  Speaker 2: and sometimes kind of just get caught up in their life.
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  Speaker 2: But this time they really slowed down and they just
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  Speaker 2: made sure that every child got time with them and
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  Speaker 2: did something they wanted to do. And I just loved it.
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  Speaker 2: Your mum was in the pool playing Marco polo with
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  Speaker 2: the kids, and that was the highlight. I don't actually
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  Speaker 2: ever remember her doing something like that with them, She
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  Speaker 2: never did it with me. It was just it was
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  Speaker 2: so I was just so excited to hear the kids'
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  Speaker 2: stories and the things that they did.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah together, really nice stuff.
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  Speaker 3: So we know that's a little bit indulgent, but we
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  Speaker 3: wanted to let you know that we do love each other,
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  Speaker 3: celebrate our anniversary together, and now it's time for us
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  Speaker 3: to dive into our old do better tomorrow for this week.
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  Speaker 4: If you're new to the Happy Families.
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  Speaker 3: Podcast, first of all, welcome, thank you for joining us.
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  Speaker 3: What we do on a Friday as we reflect on
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  Speaker 3: the week that was, we consider our parenting, our child
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  Speaker 3: wearing practices and try to work out are we doing okay,
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  Speaker 3: where are we going right, where are we going wrong?
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  Speaker 3: How can we do better as parents tomorrow? Because we
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  Speaker 3: really want to be intentional great parents. And I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to go first today, Kylie, because I know you've got
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  Speaker 3: a little bit of a story whereas I don't. Because
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  Speaker 3: we got back on Monday night, Hud the kids fell
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  Speaker 3: asleep because we were exhausted. Tuesday, I flew to Sydney
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  Speaker 3: and I did a parenting presentation to about one hundred
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  Speaker 3: and twenty parents in Watson's Bay on the Upper East Side,
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  Speaker 3: I guess of Sydney. It was just such a great
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  Speaker 3: night talking about carrots and sticks and how we can
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  Speaker 3: create discipline strategies that work with our kids. Then I
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  Speaker 3: managed to get home briefly on Wednesday. Thursday, I as
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  Speaker 3: an adelaide. Today Friday, I'm off to Darwin. I'll be
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  Speaker 3: back again tomorrow. Feel like I really haven't seen the
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  Speaker 3: kids this week, and so my older better tomorrow is
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  Speaker 3: when you can't be with them, make sure that you connect.
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  Speaker 3: And my big priority each day while I've been away
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  Speaker 3: this week, literally traveling all over the countryside, has been
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  Speaker 3: those FaceTime calls, those really quick touch base in the
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  Speaker 3: morning or touch base in the evening, have a great day,
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  Speaker 3: how is your day? Just checking in with the kids,
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  Speaker 3: and it's actually been really nice to do it. But
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  Speaker 3: boy a boy, I can't wait for tomorrow when I
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  Speaker 3: get back from Darwin, so that I get to hang
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  Speaker 3: out with the kids that they've been begging you to
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  Speaker 3: take them surfing, and I'm just itching to get in
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  Speaker 3: the water with them. So that's it, the importance of connection,
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  Speaker 3: even when you can't be there being an absent parenting expert, sorry,
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  Speaker 3: an absent parent because you're so busy helping other people
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  Speaker 3: have happier families and being the parenting ex But that's
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  Speaker 3: my older Better Tomorrow, really short, really simple. Connect even
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  Speaker 3: if you can't be there in person. Connect, Connect, Connect,
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  Speaker 3: make sure those kids feel seen and heard and valued.
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  Speaker 2: Last week on I'll Do Better Tomorrow, we talked about
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  Speaker 2: me finding a new outlet and I've started drawing, and
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  Speaker 2: obviously we've been away and so I haven't had a
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  Speaker 2: chance to do it. And the other day I actually
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  Speaker 2: pulled them out and I had the two big girls
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  Speaker 2: at home. I said, you want to come and do
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  Speaker 2: some drawing with me, and Chanelle has again never tapped
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  Speaker 2: into that.
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  Speaker 3: So when you said the two big girls, you're talking
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  Speaker 3: about our eldest who's moved in around the corner. So
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  Speaker 3: she's in her twenties, she's very been married for nearly
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  Speaker 3: four years now.
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  Speaker 4: And who was the other big girl?
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  Speaker 2: Ella?
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  Speaker 4: Ella. So she's a three, she's at university now, a
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  Speaker 4: third daughter. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Well, she was actually doing some Uni work. She's doing
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  Speaker 2: some beautiful architectural drawings.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: So she was sitting down doing that and sheell was like, ah,
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  Speaker 2: do you have a coloring in book? So she sat
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  Speaker 2: down and colored next to me, and I got so
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  Speaker 2: absorbed that I almost miss cross country. It was so
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  Speaker 2: nice to just be in space and just draw. So
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  Speaker 2: I just wanted to follow up, because.
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  Speaker 4: You're fulfilling your commitments. I am, Yeah, I am.
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  Speaker 2: But my story today is actually about a conversation that
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  Speaker 2: I had with baby number two, who's over in England
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  Speaker 2: at the moment and has been gone for a few
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  Speaker 2: weeks now. Well, it was Mother's Day over there last week,
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  Speaker 2: so she'd had some time to think about me and
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  Speaker 2: her relationship with me, and she actually just sent me
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  Speaker 2: this beautiful little message about obviously how much she loved
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  Speaker 2: me and how grateful she was. And she remembers going
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  Speaker 2: to church one Sunday as a young girl, and they
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  Speaker 2: did a lesson and they asked the girls which Disney
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  Speaker 2: princess would best represent their mum, and most of the
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  Speaker 2: girls were like Cinderella. Everybody loved Cinderella. And Abby acknowledged
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  Speaker 2: that she said the same, but Chanelle, being a little
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  Speaker 2: bit older, had actually broken the mold a little bit,
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  Speaker 2: and she said, no, I think, my mum, if I
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  Speaker 2: was to pinpoint one princess, it would be Tiana.
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  Speaker 4: Who's Tiana.
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  Speaker 2: She's from the Frog and the Prince.
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  Speaker 4: I don't know it. I haven't seen it. I have
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  Speaker 4: to watch it.
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  Speaker 2: So she starts off really poor. She's working a couple
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  Speaker 2: of jobs so that she can save it because she
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  Speaker 2: wants to own her own restaurant one day, and so
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  Speaker 2: she works really really hard and finally gets there and
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  Speaker 2: you know, kind of fulfills her dreams. And so Abby
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  Speaker 2: was actually reflecting on that conversation that she'd had all
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  Speaker 2: those years ago, and she said, I realized, Mum, that
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  Speaker 2: I think Chanel was actually right. She said, because when
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  Speaker 2: I think about you, she said, you've always set an
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  Speaker 2: example of working hard towards your goals, and you've done
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  Speaker 2: some amazing things as a result of that. She talked about,
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  Speaker 2: you know, just the way she felt about me, and
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  Speaker 2: how grateful she was for all of the sacrifices that
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  Speaker 2: I'd made for her. It's so interesting to me when
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  Speaker 2: I hear my kids say things like that. In my mind,
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  Speaker 2: I've got this big, long list of misdemeanors, all of
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  Speaker 2: these things that I got wrong, I wished I could
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  Speaker 2: have done differently, all of these regrets about who I
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  Speaker 2: was and who I wanted to be, or the fact
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  Speaker 2: that I'm so different now and I wish I could
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  Speaker 2: have had my time over again, knowing what I know now,
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  Speaker 2: and yet to hear my children share the feelings that
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  Speaker 2: they have, I'm just so overwhelmingly grateful that their list
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  Speaker 2: is so different from mine. So my message today for
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  Speaker 2: anyone who feels like it's just all too hard, they're
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  Speaker 2: getting everything wrong, and that the kids.
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  Speaker 4: Are judging them forward.
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  Speaker 2: Is that your kids probably aren't. Yeah, your kids are
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  Speaker 2: seeing the hard, but what they're actually seeing is the
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  Speaker 2: love that you put into everything. They don't need you
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  Speaker 2: to be perfect, they're not expecting you to be perfect.
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  Speaker 2: All they need to know is that they're loved and
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  Speaker 2: that will carry them through all of the other stuff,
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  Speaker 2: all of the other junk. We're so hard on ourselves,
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  Speaker 2: and so today, just be a little bit kinder. A
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  Speaker 2: little bit softer on yourself and recognize that you're doing
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  Speaker 2: the best you can and your kids probably see that.
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  Speaker 3: We really hope that the Older Better Tomorrow episode that
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  Speaker 3: we've just shared with you is useful in helping you
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  Speaker 3: as you navigate the ups and downs of the daily
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  Speaker 3: challenges of parenting.
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  Speaker 4: Kylie, thanks for sharing. It's a really beautiful story.
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  Speaker 3: Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Hey, next Thursday, we've
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: got our Raising Resilient Kids Summit. If you haven't grabbed
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: your ticket already, times running out, It's going to be
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: an amazing summit. You can consume it however you like
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: via podcast, one episode at a time, one video at
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: a time, one talk at a time, or you can
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: binge the entire thing on Thursday as it drops live.
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: The Raising Resilient Kids Summit.
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  Speaker 3: Tickets are available online at Happyfamilies dot com dot A.
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  Speaker 3: You have a great weekend and we'll be back on
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: Monday with maybe the biggest news of our year on
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: the Happy Families Podcast.