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How a Narcissist Treats You is How They Feel About Themselves · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So I'm going to tell you something that is going to
• 0:02
  change the way you look at narcissists because it's going
• 0:06
  to change the way you look at every single insult they give
• 0:09
  you, every single discard, every single silent treatment, every
• 0:12
  single narcissistic rage. As a diagnosed narcissist, I can
• 0:16
  tell you I never treated you based on you, on your value.
• 0:21
  I treated you based on my own. The way I treated you is not
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  based on your value, not based on your worth.
• 0:28
  It's based on how I feel about myself.
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  If I or that narcissist ever made you feel small, it's
• 0:35
  because they felt microscopic. If they called you unlovable,
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  it's because they couldn't find a shred of self love within
• 0:42
  themselves, within their souls. Today we're talking about the
• 0:47
  mirror effect, y'all? The mirror effect and why how I
• 0:51
  treated you is a literal map, a literal designation of how I
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  felt about myself. Bring on the intro fire right
• 1:01
  after the Super Bowl. You get super narcissist, right?
• 1:03
  But that's, that's what that's what we're talking about today.
• 1:07
  Y'all, the mirror effect. If you're new here, Lee Hammock
• 1:09
  diagnosed narcissist and let's hop right into it.
• 1:11
  Y'all think of a narcissist like a house filled with like rotting
• 1:16
  garbage. And I know that's not look,
• 1:18
  that's not difficult for a lot of y'all right?
• 1:19
  You like, Well, Lee, I already think about it anyway.
• 1:21
  That's literally how I look at them, like a house filled or
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  rotting garbage. Look, think of this shame, the
• 1:29
  insecurity, the not enough feeling that is piling up inside
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  that narcissist. Like if I don't get rid of it,
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  I'll suffocate. It has to go somewhere.
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  If I don't get rid of these negative feelings, these
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  negative thoughts, there they were starting to eat me alive.
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  So they have to go somewhere. So guess what?
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  I, as a narcissist in that situation, use you as the trash
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  can. If I am a house full of Robin
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  rotting garbage, you are the trash can.
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  I take all that internal garbage, that internal rot, that
• 2:01
  internal self hatred, that self deprecation and they dump it on
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  you. I dump it on you.
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  Like check it out like like this right here.
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  If I feel insecure about my intelligence, I will call you
• 2:13
  stupid. If I feel guilty for cheating, I
• 2:19
  accuse you of cheating, I accuse you of being unfaithful, right?
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  I know y'all going to call that projection regularly.
• 2:26
  That sound like projection. It is.
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  It is a part of right? Part of the mirror effect is
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  projection, right? I'm not describing you when I
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  accuse you or I say these things.
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  I'm not describing you right. I'm describing the contents of
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  my own mind. I'm describing what's going on
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  inside of my head. You are.
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  You are not the problem. This is what I tell people in my
• 2:47
  one on ones. You are not the problem, like
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  you're not the issue. You're just the person closest
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  to me and the closest person to it.
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  The closest person to me, the closest person to the narcissist
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  becomes the dumpster for all of the internal disagreement and
• 3:03
  internal deprecation and eternal rot that we talked about
• 3:06
  earlier. You become the dump site for
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  that, right? You become the dump, you get
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  dumped on and it's tough. It's tough being in a position I
• 3:15
  understand. Yeah, IA 100% understand how
• 3:17
  tough it could be in this position.
• 3:19
  I, you know, when I'm talking to people, I typically tell them
• 3:22
  don't take it personal, Try not to take it personal.
• 3:25
  Well, Lee, it sounds personal. They use my name.
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  It's a personal attack. I understand that they used your
• 3:31
  name, right? But just make it seem like this.
• 3:34
  Imagine that narcissist or me in this situation, right?
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  Imagine I have on a name tag. That name tag says Lee, and Lee
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  is who I am, right? Imagine me stripping this name
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  tag off and putting it on to you.
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  Now you're Lee, you know what I'm saying?
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  Now you have my name tag, so I'm just putting it on to you.
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  What I have going on inside, I am putting it on to you.
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  Well, Lee, why do they treat me so badly?
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  Because you're the closest person to them.
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  You're the dump site. You get all of this horrible
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  treatment. I know it sucks.
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  I know because because you're just trying to love somebody,
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  right? You're just trying to love them.
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  You're just trying to care about them.
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  You're just trying to be there for them.
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  And this is what you get in return, You get this horrible
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  toxic ass person that is being militia, man.
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  I said malicious. Being malicious, that is being
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  evil. That is just doing the worst of
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  the worst things to you. And what can you do about it?
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  You see what I'm saying? It's horrible behavior.
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  It's toxic behavior. It's narcissistic, isn't it?
• 4:30
  But it's what goes on in their minds, y'all?
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  So again, try not to take it personal.
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  I know it's hard in that moment, but take a deep breath when
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  they're accusing you or insulting you, take a deep
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  breath and ask yourself why are they doing this?
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  This is not about me. There's no just understand that
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  this is directly not about you, right?
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  This is directly not about you. Like seriously.
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  And now I'm going to do some like some, a few comparison
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  right here or comparison things right here, like what a
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  narcissist says and what they versus what they actually mean,
• 5:01
  what they're actually feeling right here.
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  So if a narcissist comes up to to you and said this, y'all let
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  me. It's a good, Yeah, it's a crazy
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  stuff right here. So the first thing is you're
• 5:12
  lucky to have me. If they say you're lucky to have
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  me, what they're actually thinking, what is actually going
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  on inside of their mind is I'm terrified.
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  You'll realize that I'm not enough.
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  I'm actually afraid to lose you. You.
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  I'm the lucky 1. I'm surprised you are.
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  I'm surprised you decided to be with me.
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  How did you pick a Wretch like me?
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  How did you pick a wreck like me?
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  How we even together. But I'm not going to say that to
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  you because that would give you all the power.
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  And This is why so many people in touch with relationship
• 5:45
  dynamics go so far, go so long without being complimented.
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  I haven't got a compliment in 10 years.
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  Yeah, this is not. They're not going to need a
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  compliment because they compliment they might think they
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  think will empower you in order to leave them.
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  Right. Which sounds stupid.
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  I know it sounds stupid. I know it sounds ridiculous but
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  this is literally how the mind of a narcissist works for his in
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  this situation. Y'all.
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  The next one I have written around y'all is you're too
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  sensitive, you're too emotional, you're crazy, you're too crazy.
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  What they actually saying is my behavior is indefensible and I'm
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  losing control. If they call you crazy or
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  emotional or you too much into your feelings, you do you
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  dwelling in the past. I am trying to get off of the
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  topic. I'm trying to I'm trying to
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  invalidate what are probably good feelings.
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  Well, I'm trying to invalidate what are probably good thing,
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  good thoughts. I'm trying to invalidate you
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  trying to hold me accountable. I'm trying to get away from
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  these horrible toxic feelings that I'm feeling right now.
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  I'm not trying to be held accountable.
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  I'm trying to escape this. I matter fact I'm trying to
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  escape accountability. I don't want anything to do with
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  it right? I don't want anything to do with
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  accountability. So they tell if they call you
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  crazy, there's just trying to invalidate you.
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  They know they've done something wrong.
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  You just crazy. You you're, you're too
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  sensitive, you're too emotional. No, If you said the same thing
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  to them, did they say to you, would they be happy and smiling
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  in your face? Hell no they wouldn't.
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  Or would they? Hell no.
• 7:17
  So don't do that right there, y'all.
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  The next one I have right here is when they do the silent
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  treatment, the silent treatment. Like lady, the silent treatment
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  isn't saying anything, but it is right here.
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  Y'all? I called the silent treatment
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  silent rage. If I'm being silent to you, if
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  I'm being silent to you, then what I'm doing is I'm refusing
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  communication. I want to talk.
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  I want to say something to you. But I understand that if I do,
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  I'll lose. My words are being used against
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  me. Like it's kind of like the
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  Miranda rights, right? You're using my words against
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  me, and rightfully so. So if they give you the silent
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  treatment, what they're actually saying is I feel empty and I
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  need to prove to look. I need to prove how powerful I
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  am by hurting you. I need to prove to you that you
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  don't deserve my words. I need to prove that you you're
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  unworthy of my words. I'm going to try to do something
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  horrible to you. I'm going to try to be
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  manipulative to you and do all this other stuff.
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  That's what they're doing to you right there in the flesh.
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  And I know it can be tough. Look, I know again, it could be
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  so tough and just crazy to deal with, but this is the mentality
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  that they that narcissists are fake that you're facing right
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  here when you're going up against a toxic, abusive,
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  manipulative narcissist. Their silence is they feel like
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  it's power. My voice is my power.
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  My voice is like my voice or lack thereof is power is is my
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  power. Am I narcissistic robot
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  resetting, Talking to Vash. Reset.
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  No. Yeah.
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  Silent treatment is power is rage is all this stuff all in
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  together, y'all? And the last one I have right
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  now. I think it's the last one.
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  Yeah. It's called extreme jealousy.
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  Y'all, If a narcissist is being extremely jealous to you, what
• 9:00
  that really means is I know I am jealous.
• 9:04
  If I call you jealous, I'm an extremely jealous person, right?
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  I know that I'm capable. I will call you jealous because
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  I know I, I want to invalidate you again.
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  Pretty much, right? It's kind of very similar with
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  the side of treatment is I, I know I'm capable of betrayal, so
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  I assume you are too, right? I know that I can cheat.
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  I know I probably cheated, right?
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  So I think you're doing the same thing.
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  So, yeah, if I can be, if I'm extremely jealous to you, if I'm
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  calling you extremely jealous, then yeah, I'm, I know what I'm
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  capable of. So I think you're doing the same
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  thing. Isn't that the truth with most
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  narcissists though? I think you're doing the same
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  thing. I know what I'm capable of.
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  I know what I've done. So I'm assuming you're done the
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  same thing. I'm assuming that you have done
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  or do or doing the same thing and this is the way it goes
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  right here. Seriously, You're doing a toxic,
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  narcissistic, abusive person. This is what they're going to
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  put you through right here, y'all.
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  So in this instance right here, y'all guys, anybody like this,
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  the next time a narcissist lashes, lashes, lashes out at
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  you, the next time they rage out on you, look at them, look, look
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  at them directly, right? Not what the I know y'all, it's
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  hard looking at them directly when they're angry at you, when
• 10:14
  they're yelling and screaming or whatever, or when they give you
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  the silent treatment, but don't look at them in an angry way.
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  Observe them. Y'all, You ever hear the term
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  observe not don't absorb. This is what it is.
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  This. This is the mode you have to go
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  into. Observe them for who they
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  actually are. Don't absorb what they're saying
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  because what they're saying really does have no weight
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  because they're just trying to hurt your feelings, right?
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  Just absorb, observe what they're doing.
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  Watch them analyze this person. They analyze you.
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  So analyze this person back, right?
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  And what you'll see is them from without the mask on.
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  Like you're watching the person tell you exactly how unhappy
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  they are with themselves. You're watching a person tell
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  you exactly how miserable they are with themselves when they're
• 10:54
  angry out of nowhere, when they're lashing out of nowhere,
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  when you and you just confuse you like what the hell is going
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  on here? I haven't done anything to you,
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  but you're lashing out at me. You're being abusive, you're
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  lying, you're screaming at me, you're threatening to hit me,
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  you have hit me, whatever. You don't know what the hell is
• 11:09
  going on and how to deal with it.
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  You see them for who they really are, right?
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  This is them. Their treatment of you isn't
• 11:17
  like your fault. It's really them confessing to
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  how about how they feel about themselves.
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  So it really is the mirror effect.
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  It's just like, you know what those two way, those one way
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  mirrors in the Police Department were like, they have the
• 11:28
  interrogations going on. Like you can see, like the
• 11:31
  detectives will be sitting outside of there.
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  It's like I'm we're going to go in there and play.
• 11:34
  They can see the they can see the suspect.
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  We're going to go in there and play good cop, bad cop.
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  You first, right? This is how it is.
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  It's a one way mirror. Like instead of holding it in,
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  they reflect outwards. How I feel about myself goes
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  down and reflects outward mind down to my heart reflects
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  outward towards you. You get the behavior that I
• 11:57
  should help myself and deal with myself, right?
• 11:59
  You get it instead, right? You get it instead.
• 12:02
  And that's why I like sometimes when you're dealing with people
• 12:04
  like this, who, who behave like this, who act like this, This is
• 12:08
  why it's important to understand and take your power back and
• 12:10
  just take this strength away from them and just like
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  understand, like whatever they say, it's about them.
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  It's not about you. It really is 100% how I feel
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  about myself. How I feel about me is how I
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  treat you. If you take nothing else from
• 12:24
  that, just take that one sentence right there.
• 12:25
  How I feel about me is how I treat you.
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  How that narcissist feels about themselves is how they're going
• 12:31
  to treat you. No if ands or buts about it.
• 12:34
  If ands buts peanuts, coconuts fruit, buts anyways y'all if you
• 12:40
  like this video, make sure if you if you've experienced the
• 12:42
  mirror effect, make sure you drop a mirror in the comment
• 12:44
  section. Just type in the word mirror.
• 12:45
  An emoji will pop up and you just drop in the comment section
• 12:48
  y'all I appreciate you make sure you hit that subscribe button if
• 12:50
  you haven't already Mental illness.net for all things Lee
• 12:53
  hammock, my coaching, my courses that have happened thousands of
• 12:56
  people, everything is there y'all.
• 12:58
  I appreciate y'all so much and it's always always mental
• 13:01
  illness is out. Peace.