Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 457. The Psychology of Empowered Dating

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457. The Psychology of Empowered Dating · Do You F*cking Mind?

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Speaker 1: Since Hello, beautiful Boons, and welcome to the podcast episode
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Speaker 1: of Today. So today we are talking about dating, the
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Speaker 1: psychology of empowered dating. This is if you are deciding
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Speaker 1: to get back in the game of dating. This is
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Speaker 1: if you've been single for a while but you want
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Speaker 1: to just feel more empowered and kind of take a different,
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Speaker 1: fresh approach to dating. So I'm very excited to bring
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Speaker 1: you this episode. I'm actually bringing you this episode in
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Speaker 1: conjunction with Bumble. So if you're someone that's never actually
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Speaker 1: you know, used the dating apps, or you have used
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Speaker 1: the dating apps and you're not quite sure if it's
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Speaker 1: for you, I want this episode to kind of be
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Speaker 1: a way that you can potentially look at the apps
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Speaker 1: in a way that makes you feel empowered. Because if
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Speaker 1: you're someone that tried it and thought, m it's not
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Speaker 1: for me, I didn't really feel like it was like
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Speaker 1: I didn't feel empowered. You're going to take back control.
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Speaker 1: You're going to be able to use the app and
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Speaker 1: not feel like it's kind of using you where you
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Speaker 1: don't really know where you stand. And I'm going to
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Speaker 1: give you a whole bunch of tools for you to
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Speaker 1: feel like you can get back in the game. Feeling fabulous,
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Speaker 1: Welcome to bumble around. Basically. Now, this is also if
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Speaker 1: you are newly single. If you're a newly single and
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Speaker 1: you're thinking, do I want to get back in the game?
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Speaker 1: Do I not? Just have a listen to this episode
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Speaker 1: and see how you feel, to see if you're emotionally
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Speaker 1: ready to kind of re engage into the dating scene. Okay,
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Speaker 1: so in this episode you can expect dating with confidence
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Speaker 1: avoiding emotional traps. Because this is something that's really important
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Speaker 1: because part of really getting good at using the dating
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Speaker 1: app and just the dating scene in general, not just
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Speaker 1: a dating app, but part of using a dating app
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Speaker 1: has to do with really getting good at picking who
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Speaker 1: is a good candidate to go on a date with
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Speaker 1: in the first place. Okay, so we're going to be
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Speaker 1: doing that. We're going to talk about how to teach
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Speaker 1: people how to treat you that is key when we're
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Speaker 1: entering the dating scene, and how to keep control off
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Speaker 1: your dating life. So not feeling like you're kind of
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Speaker 1: you know, I think we've all been there when you
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Speaker 1: just re enter the dating scene and then you get
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Speaker 1: swept up in things and limerents and all of that,
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Speaker 1: and feeling like you've lost control, and you've got that
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Speaker 1: nervous anxiousness instead of that cool, calm, collected I'm in control.
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Speaker 1: I'm loving my life, my single life right now. Okay.
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Speaker 1: So we're going to break it down into different segments
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Speaker 1: in today's episode, and the first thing we're going to
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Speaker 1: be talking about is just re entering the dating scene. Okay.
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Speaker 1: You're going to find that when you are first starting
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Speaker 1: kind of re entering the dating scene, it's going to
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Speaker 1: trigger a lot of feelings of vulnerability and also excitement
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Speaker 1: because you're going to feel nervous, You're going to feel hesitation,
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Speaker 1: and I don't want you to be confusing that with
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Speaker 1: anxiety as such. Okay, so let's start with the first
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Speaker 1: section point one of the entire episode, and this is
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Speaker 1: re entering the dating scene. You're going to be ended
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Speaker 1: with nerves and excitement, and a lot of the time
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Speaker 1: that combination of nerves and excitement can be kind of
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Speaker 1: confused with or go hand in hand with feeling anxious
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Speaker 1: as well. Okay, So I want you to number one,
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Speaker 1: really acknowledge that that is perfectly normal to feel a
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Speaker 1: little bit of this nervousness and anxiety around dating and
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Speaker 1: re entering dating I don't want you to think, oh,
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Speaker 1: my god, I shouldn't be feeling any of this. Until
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Speaker 1: I feel none of this, I can't put myself out
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Speaker 1: there to date. You can always be working on your
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Speaker 1: emotions and how you take control of your emotions, but
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Speaker 1: still allow yourself to go out there and put yourself
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Speaker 1: out there and be vulnerable and be dating. Okay, I
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Speaker 1: don't think that as long as you're thinking, I'm going
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Speaker 1: to be self aware, I'm going to work on what
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Speaker 1: I need to be working. I don't think that you've
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Speaker 1: got to be oh, I've got to have everything perfectly
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Speaker 1: aligned before I'm allowed to meet somebody. I don't think
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Speaker 1: that's the case. Okay, So we're going to look at
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Speaker 1: this as as I re enter the dating scene. It's
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Speaker 1: going to be something new. I'm not repeating the past.
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Speaker 1: I'm going to approach this with new you, fresh eyes,
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Speaker 1: because I'm going to feel a bit more empowered and
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Speaker 1: I'm going to be way more in control. Because you
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Speaker 1: can't control other people. You can't control what other people do,
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Speaker 1: but you can control how you perceive things, how you
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Speaker 1: interpret things, what you do with what people say and
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Speaker 1: their actions, how you set healthy boundaries and how you
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Speaker 1: teach people how to treat you. That is within your control,
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Speaker 1: and you're going to realize that just by controlling those
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Speaker 1: different factors, you're going to feel like you are owning
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Speaker 1: the dating scene and your own dating life. Okay, so
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Speaker 1: let's start with intention Let's get intentional when it comes
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Speaker 1: to dating. Because if you're someone that's thinking I've just
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Speaker 1: broken up, I've been dumped, I've been single for too long,
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Speaker 1: or whatever, you're thinking, I'm just going to throw myself
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Speaker 1: out there, that's not going to be good enough. You
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Speaker 1: need to really ask yourself. Let's be honest. What am
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Speaker 1: I looking for? Okay, and be honest with yourself. You
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Speaker 1: don't have to announce it to your friends or family.
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Speaker 1: Just know what am I looking for? Do I actually
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Speaker 1: want a long term relation? Some people are not the
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Speaker 1: kind to want to date a thousand people and have
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Speaker 1: a really good time. They just want to find the
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Speaker 1: one person, settle down, and that's what they want. Other
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Speaker 1: people are like, nah, nna, I can't do a relationship
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Speaker 1: right now. I really just want to have some fun
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Speaker 1: because I've been in a relationship for so long. I
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Speaker 1: just want to date. I want to meet new people.
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Speaker 1: I want have fun. I want to go on dates.
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Speaker 1: I want to have stories, I want to have adventure.
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Speaker 1: But get clear on what you want. Okay, what kind
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Speaker 1: of connection energizes you right now? Are you looking for
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Speaker 1: multiple fun interactions? Are you looking for like sex and
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Speaker 1: the city kind of energy or are you looking for now?
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Speaker 1: I want my one person. I want this like stability.
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Speaker 1: I want just get know what the feeling feels like. Okay.
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Speaker 1: And when you are like with your you know, say
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Speaker 1: you go on Bumble, you've downloaded Bumble and you want
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Speaker 1: to be updating that app, you have to be dead
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Speaker 1: honest with what it is that you are looking for.
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Speaker 1: I think a lot of the time we think what
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Speaker 1: do other people want to read when they stumble across
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Speaker 1: my profile or or when they when I meet someone,
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Speaker 1: what do they want me to say? So we end
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Speaker 1: up fumbling, and we end up trying to presume what
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Speaker 1: this person wants me to say, wants you to say,
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Speaker 1: and then you say that thing because you're trying to
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Speaker 1: people please. Right. It's kind of that thing of where
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Speaker 1: you really like someone and then someone says, oh, I'm
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Speaker 1: not looking for anything serious, and you're like, oh no, no,
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Speaker 1: neither neither am I but meanwhile you're like shattered instead
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Speaker 1: of saying, you know what, thank you for being honest,
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Speaker 1: I am all the best, you know, like we end
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Speaker 1: up just allowing because we so want to be liked
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Speaker 1: that we allow people to kind of sweep us up
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Speaker 1: in what they want, and then we forget the essence
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Speaker 1: of what we really want. And then when we do that,
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Speaker 1: we waste time. We fall in love with the wrong
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Speaker 1: people because we invest too much time and energy even
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Speaker 1: when we know what they want and it's not aligned
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Speaker 1: with what we don't want. So the best way to
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Speaker 1: start putting a bit of a distance between the people
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Speaker 1: that are going to want something different to you is
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Speaker 1: to get really clear on what it is that you
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Speaker 1: want and put it out there. Put it out there
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Speaker 1: on your profile, put it out there when you talk
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Speaker 1: to people, and you don't have to say, oh my god,
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Speaker 1: you know I want to marry someone. On the first date,
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Speaker 1: I need to know you just say I'm looking for
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Speaker 1: something really serious. So when I date, I'm going to
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Speaker 1: date with intention or I genuinely am not looking for
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Speaker 1: a long term relationship. I want to put my feelers
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Speaker 1: out there. I want to have a really good time,
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Speaker 1: I want to hang out with people that are here
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Speaker 1: just for a good time, not a long time, and
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Speaker 1: want adventure whatever that is. Okay, the next thing that
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Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about is how we're going
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Speaker 1: to make dating feel a bit more fresh, a bit
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Speaker 1: more exciting, a bit more something that you're actually going
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Speaker 1: to look forward to and not give you a sense
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Speaker 1: of like doom and gloom because it hasn't worked for
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Speaker 1: you in the past. Okay, So what I want you
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Speaker 1: to do is I want you to kind of avoid
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Speaker 1: falling into like repetitive patterns that you've fallen into before.
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Speaker 1: So make a list of things that you've done in
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Speaker 1: the past that haven't worked for you, Like it could
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Speaker 1: have been what I just spoke about in the first
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Speaker 1: point where we're talking about or I wasn't clear on
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Speaker 1: what I wanted because I wanted to please too many people.
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Speaker 1: Or I found someone that I had to crush on,
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Speaker 1: and then because of that, I altered what I wanted
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Speaker 1: so they would like me, like, what a kind of
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Speaker 1: behavioral traps that you've fallen into and how can we
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Speaker 1: identify them and then turn it around? Okay, now I
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Speaker 1: want you to change your approach also in dating. What
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Speaker 1: kind of dates have you been on in the past,
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Speaker 1: and you're like, I need to change it up, I
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Speaker 1: need to freshen it up. I found maybe the kind
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Speaker 1: of dates I was going felt stale. I didn't really
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Speaker 1: get to show the true essence of who I was
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Speaker 1: on this date. And then it ended, and my nerves
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Speaker 1: got the better of me, and this person never really
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Speaker 1: got to know the real me, or I was so
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Speaker 1: hell bent on getting them to like me that the
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Speaker 1: funny side of me never came out because I was
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Speaker 1: too nervous and I couldn't feel comfortable. So how can
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Speaker 1: I turn that around? What could I suggest as a
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Speaker 1: date moving forward where my true colors would shine? And
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Speaker 1: I think the best, in my opinion, one of the
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Speaker 1: best ways for your true colors to shine when you're
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Speaker 1: dating is to do an activity based date and not
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Speaker 1: a dinner drinks kind of date, Because a dinner drinks
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Speaker 1: kind of date works really well if you have zero expectations,
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Speaker 1: if you feel really comfort in your own skin, if
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Speaker 1: you're like, if this person doesn't like me, so be it, okay, imber,
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Speaker 1: then great. You can sit face to face, staring down
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Speaker 1: the barrel, staring at someone in the eyes and you
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Speaker 1: feel comfortable. But if you're someone that's like, ah, really nervous,
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Speaker 1: and then an activity based date is the best thing
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Speaker 1: for you because you have something else to focus on,
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Speaker 1: You're not staring each other in the eye, its not
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Speaker 1: intimidating emotionally intimidating in that sense, and you're able to
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Speaker 1: really kind of relax and let loose. So that could
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Speaker 1: be whether you're playing mini golf, whether you're going to
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Speaker 1: an escape room, whether you're going making pottery classes or
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Speaker 1: doing a paint and sip or whatever. It is something
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Speaker 1: where you actually have to do something while chatting, then
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Speaker 1: the conversation starts becoming more and more natural. And when
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Speaker 1: there isn't natural conversation, you can comment on the activity.
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Speaker 1: So it's not like, oh, the ball has dropped, there's
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Speaker 1: nothing to talk about now, we're just sipping on a
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Speaker 1: drink and kind of like, oh, this is awkward, okay.
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Speaker 1: So it allows for your authentic, funny self to come
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Speaker 1: through and it also allows that for the other person.
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Speaker 1: So that's what I would highly recommend. So you're kind
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Speaker 1: of focusing on exploration within the date. Now, another thing
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Speaker 1: that you can look at is bumble has this kind
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Speaker 1: of question game and like badgers that you can use
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Speaker 1: within the app to spark conversation. So if you're like, well,
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Speaker 1: I'm not yet sure if I want to go on
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Speaker 1: a date with this person, you can already start, like,
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Speaker 1: you know, putting your feelers out by playing this question
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Speaker 1: game or doing things that again get someone out of
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Speaker 1: the Hey, how are you, I'm good? How are you? So?
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Speaker 1: What do you do for work? So it's like just
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Speaker 1: more entertaining questions that get that person out of this
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Speaker 1: nervousness state and gets you out of that nerve state
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Speaker 1: and get you, you know, more relaxed, more kind of
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Speaker 1: loose and free. Now, the next one we're going to
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Speaker 1: be talking about the next section three is self esteem
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Speaker 1: in dating. So self esteem plays a massive role in
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Speaker 1: the success of your relationship, not just your romantic relationship,
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Speaker 1: but actually all relationships. So there's a huge correlation of
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Speaker 1: how you feel towards yourself and how that impacts the
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Speaker 1: quality of your romantic that's for the sake of this episode,
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Speaker 1: romantic relationship, right, So I think it's really important to
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Speaker 1: look at how am I feeling about myself as I
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Speaker 1: enter the dating scene, because no matter who I date,
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Speaker 1: whether they're a flop or whether they're amazing. If I'm
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Speaker 1: not feeling comfortable and good about myself, I'm going to
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Speaker 1: be in my head about this. Whether they really like me,
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Speaker 1: I'm going to be in my head about it, whether
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Speaker 1: they don't like me. I'm going to be really self critical,
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Speaker 1: you know, to myself instead of thinking they do them,
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Speaker 1: I do me. Whatever, it's fine. So let's talk about
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Speaker 1: ways that you can feel quite grounded even before you
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Speaker 1: go on that date or before you start engaging in
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Speaker 1: a conversation, especially if you're just re entering, especially if
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Speaker 1: you're feeling like you've got a bit of like, you know,
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Speaker 1: you're sensitive towards rejection because it's recently happened to you.
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Speaker 1: So let's talk about some grounding practices that you can
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Speaker 1: put into practice before you start going on these dates
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Speaker 1: or engaging with people on on the app. Okay, So
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Speaker 1: the first thing that you can do is you can
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Speaker 1: work on affirmative statements towards yourself. Not oh my god,
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Speaker 1: this person loves me or everybody loves me or whatever,
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Speaker 1: but statements. More so, I'm grounded and comfortable within myself,
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Speaker 1: you know, I you know things that you know, how
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Speaker 1: when I talk about affirmations. I talk about laddering affirmations,
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Speaker 1: where you don't start with a statement that feels unrealistic
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Speaker 1: to you. You start with the realistic statement. Like you can say,
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Speaker 1: I am lovable, and I have examples of people that
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Speaker 1: love me all around me, not romantically, but I have
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Speaker 1: examples of people that love me, So I am lovable. Okay.
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Speaker 1: So that way, it makes you feel like if this
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Speaker 1: person isn't into me, it's not because I'm not lovable,
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Speaker 1: it's because we're not a good match right now. Another
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Speaker 1: thing that you can practice is detachment, and this is
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Speaker 1: really getting clear on what someone's reaction is and what
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Speaker 1: someone's behaviors are towards you is not a direct reflection
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Speaker 1: of who you are as an individual. So you've got
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Speaker 1: to always remind yourself, I am not this individual. We
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Speaker 1: are always going to approach everything differently. What works for
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Speaker 1: me doesn't necessarily work for them. If this person doesn't
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Speaker 1: like me, it doesn't make me a bad person, and
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Speaker 1: it doesn't make them a bad person. We're removing the
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Speaker 1: emotion because if you start thinking, well, they're an asshole
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Speaker 1: because they didn't say the good in me, and they didn't,
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Speaker 1: then you're getting riled up. You don't want to be projecting, Okay.
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Speaker 1: You just want to think, if this person doesn't like me,
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Speaker 1: it's because it just wasn't a good match. And that's
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Speaker 1: a good thing, because why waste time? Okay, So we're
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Speaker 1: practicing that detachment and you make those statements. If this
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Speaker 1: date doesn't work out, I'm grateful because I didn't waste time. Okay.
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Speaker 1: I got the answer as soon as I possibly could,
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Speaker 1: and that's a good thing. I also got, you know,
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Speaker 1: I slayed that drag and I got that uncomfortable date
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Speaker 1: out of the way, and I survived it and I
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Speaker 1: felt fine, you know, because I entered it saying, no
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Speaker 1: matter what happens, I'm the one that's going to be
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Speaker 1: with myself at the end of the day, at the
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Speaker 1: end of the night, and I like me. Okay. Another
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Speaker 1: thing that you can you can also do is don't
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Speaker 1: feel like you have to give everything of yourself right
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Speaker 1: at the beginning. It's like, I don't owe you every
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Speaker 1: single thing. I don't know you all my time. I
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Speaker 1: don't have to, you know, like be giving you all
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Speaker 1: my time, all my attention. Sometimes if we like somebody,
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Speaker 1: we think that I've got to be checking my phone
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Speaker 1: all the time. I've got to be replying straight away.
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Speaker 1: I've got to always have something witty to reply. I've
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Speaker 1: got all. You can take time to yourself. You can
14:16
Speaker 1: kind of get some balance within your life and don't
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Speaker 1: overgive way too much at the start. Not as in like,
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Speaker 1: it's not about having your walls up, but it's about
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Speaker 1: I'm allowed to pause. I don't have to reply immediately.
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Speaker 1: I'm allowed to take time to think about the response
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Speaker 1: that I want to respond. I'm allowed to say I
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Speaker 1: can't make this date, however I can make this other time.
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Speaker 1: Don't think I've got to drop everything for this person,
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Speaker 1: otherwise they're not going to like me, because that's not true.
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Speaker 1: If someone likes you, they like you. If they don't
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Speaker 1: like you, they don't like you. Okay, Now, the next
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Speaker 1: thing that we're going to talk about is teaching people
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Speaker 1: how to treat you. I have a whole episode on
14:50
Speaker 1: teaching people how to treat you. It's literally called how
14:52
Speaker 1: to Teach people how to treat you, or teach people
14:55
Speaker 1: how to treat you. So just right teach in the
14:56
Speaker 1: search bar and it will come up. Okay, So this
14:59
Speaker 1: is very very importan. So if this strikes a cord.
15:01
Speaker 1: God check that episode out as well. But we're going
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Speaker 1: to be talking about how early patterns in your interaction
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Speaker 1: with someone really set the tone moving forward. Now, mind
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Speaker 1: you having said that, you can always re teach someone
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Speaker 1: how to treat you. You could be like, you know what,
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Speaker 1: I've let this person walk all over me, but it
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Speaker 1: ends today and I'm going to change my tune. You
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Speaker 1: can do that, but it is a lot easier, to
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Speaker 1: be fair, it actually is a lot easier to teach
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Speaker 1: someone how to treat you from the beginning. So if
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Speaker 1: you are just meeting someone, then it is a fresh,
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Speaker 1: clean slate and there's no better time to teach someone
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Speaker 1: who you are, what you're willing to put up with,
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Speaker 1: and what you are not willing to put up with. Okay,
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Speaker 1: So this is where healthy, clear boundaries get instated. If
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Speaker 1: you can do this while you're putting, when you're entering
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Speaker 1: the dating scene, when you start, when you download Bumble,
15:48
Speaker 1: when you start using the dating app, I can guarantee
15:51
Speaker 1: you you are going to feel so in control because
15:54
Speaker 1: you're like, you know what, I'm not at the mercy
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Speaker 1: of if you like me, if you don't like me,
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Speaker 1: if you don't adhere to these boundaries, and it's just
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Speaker 1: not gonna work no matter who you are. I don't
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Speaker 1: care who you are. If you don't adhere to you know, teaching,
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Speaker 1: treating me a certain way, speaking to me in a
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Speaker 1: certain way, aligning with these like deep moral standards, whatever
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Speaker 1: it is, then it's just not gonna work. Okay. So
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Speaker 1: one of the things that you can do is learn
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Speaker 1: how to set the tone for the first interaction. Okay,
16:23
Speaker 1: so you've got to be very clear and consistent with
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Speaker 1: your boundaries. If you're someone that's just a shit communicator,
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Speaker 1: then so be it. You can you can communicate that
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Speaker 1: from the beginning well, which is ironic because you're a
16:33
Speaker 1: shit communicator. But if you're someone that really values communication,
16:37
Speaker 1: you've got to set the tone right from the beginning.
16:40
Speaker 1: So when you start chatting to someone, one of the
16:42
Speaker 1: things that you can say straight away is one of
16:45
Speaker 1: the things I value the most is clear communication, just
16:48
Speaker 1: honest communication. You know, if you are busy and you've
16:52
Speaker 1: got a full day, just say you're busy and you've
16:53
Speaker 1: got a full day. I'm not gonna expect much from
16:55
Speaker 1: you today. That's fine. But this leaving me on red
16:58
Speaker 1: for three days is not gonna happen. Mind you. You
17:01
Speaker 1: don't have to enter saying like, bh, this is, this is,
17:04
Speaker 1: this is. You can just go, you know, day by day.
17:07
Speaker 1: If someone does the whole, doesn't message you for two
17:09
Speaker 1: days in a row, that's a good opportunity for you
17:11
Speaker 1: to be like, hey, I'm interested. However, this whole not
17:14
Speaker 1: messaging for two days doesn't really work with me. I'm
17:16
Speaker 1: not really interested in that. However, if you can be
17:19
Speaker 1: more open with your communication when you're busy and when
17:20
Speaker 1: you're not, I'd love to keep this conversation going, that's
17:23
Speaker 1: very healthy, that's very unemotional, that's very like, I'm I'm
17:27
Speaker 1: detached from this. If you and I aligne, I'm interested.
17:31
Speaker 1: If we don't align, I'm not interested. You can also say,
17:34
Speaker 1: if you know, if someone leaves, if you've got great
17:36
Speaker 1: banter for the first day, and then they leave you
17:37
Speaker 1: on red for a couple of days, and then they
17:39
Speaker 1: come back when they're like bored and they want another interaction,
17:42
Speaker 1: you can say, hey, good to see you that you're back.
17:46
Speaker 1: I actually find being left on red for a few
17:48
Speaker 1: days in a row quite unentertaining or quite boring or whatever.
17:52
Speaker 1: That something that just shows that you're not hurt, you're
17:54
Speaker 1: not upset, but it's it's boring. Okay. So if you
17:58
Speaker 1: want to catch up, meet up and see if there's
18:00
Speaker 1: you know, potential here, I'd love that. Otherwise I'm not
18:04
Speaker 1: into this, okay. And then if they're like you, they'll
18:08
Speaker 1: reply straight away. If they don't like you, they'll continue
18:11
Speaker 1: to leave you on red. And there's your answer. And
18:12
Speaker 1: if you think, oh my god, I blew what I blew?
18:14
Speaker 1: It good? So you should you want to blow these
18:18
Speaker 1: blow off? Blow That sounds inappropriate, but you want to
18:21
Speaker 1: like blow off these people if they're not going to
18:24
Speaker 1: be into you. We're so scared of turning someone off
18:29
Speaker 1: when they're the wrong person anyway. And then what we
18:31
Speaker 1: do is we we string them along, string them along,
18:34
Speaker 1: we string us ourselves along, and then ultimately it doesn't
18:37
Speaker 1: work because it was never gonna work, and then we
18:39
Speaker 1: get really really hurt, which leads me to my next point,
18:43
Speaker 1: and that is Limrens. Okay, so limbren I've got an
18:47
Speaker 1: episode on Limerenz. Of course, what is Limerens and how
18:50
Speaker 1: we're gonna avoid Limerens? So Limerens is this obsessive infatuation
18:56
Speaker 1: with like fantasy over the actual reality. So let's say
19:00
Speaker 1: that you meet someone on Bubble and their profile is
19:06
Speaker 1: like textbook, this is exactly exactly the person that they're
19:11
Speaker 1: exactly the look that I want. They're exactly the you know,
19:14
Speaker 1: the tall, dark, handsome, the height, the everything there, like
19:17
Speaker 1: they align with the magical whatever that I had decided
19:20
Speaker 1: in my head of whatever, and then what they do
19:22
Speaker 1: for a job of it. So then immediately even before,
19:25
Speaker 1: like let's say you just match, but even before you
19:28
Speaker 1: had a conversation, you start falling in love with the
19:31
Speaker 1: fantasy of what it could be if you were to
19:33
Speaker 1: date this person, if that date was to turn into
19:35
Speaker 1: it like ongoing dating and then a relationship. Before you know,
19:38
Speaker 1: you've made and directed and produced a film in your
19:42
Speaker 1: head of this individual that doesn't even exist because you've
19:47
Speaker 1: not actually met this person, but you've created them already.
19:50
Speaker 1: Now you're in love with that. That is Limerens. Okay,
19:53
Speaker 1: I'm in love with the potential, with the fantasy of
19:56
Speaker 1: what could be. We then fall in love and we
20:00
Speaker 1: think it like we think that we are in love,
20:03
Speaker 1: but you are in deep infatuation and in Limerens, because
20:07
Speaker 1: I believe, and it's not even belief, but love, true love,
20:12
Speaker 1: real love can only happen when you really know somebody
20:17
Speaker 1: and when you know their character. Limmerence is what we
20:21
Speaker 1: confuse for love, because it's just as intense and just
20:24
Speaker 1: as painful, sometimes more painful actually, because it's like such
20:28
Speaker 1: a deep feeling like it is love, but it's more
20:30
Speaker 1: limerence because you're in love with the fantasy of this person. Okay,
20:34
Speaker 1: so this is intense crushes very quickly. It is these
20:37
Speaker 1: crazy emotional highs and emotional lows. And then when they
20:40
Speaker 1: finally do message you, the high you feel is euphoric, right,
20:44
Speaker 1: and we've all been there, and it is like you
20:46
Speaker 1: can just fly high for the whole day. You could
20:48
Speaker 1: sit in a room with nothing to entertain you, but
20:50
Speaker 1: just your thoughts about the fact that they message you
20:52
Speaker 1: is enough to entertain you. It's full on, right, And
20:55
Speaker 1: then you're like projecting traits that this person hasn't really
20:59
Speaker 1: shown you yet, and you're expecting now these things from
21:02
Speaker 1: this person. You're expecting this, expecting that. So one thing
21:05
Speaker 1: that now we've got to focus on grounding techniques. If
21:07
Speaker 1: you think that you're someone that slips into limereents quite early.
21:10
Speaker 1: You've got to ask yourself if am I avoiding doing
21:14
Speaker 1: or saying something because I'm scared that it's going to
21:15
Speaker 1: push them away? And if that's the case, am I
21:18
Speaker 1: having limerent feelings? Because for example, like I mentioned earlier,
21:23
Speaker 1: if you're someone that's like, ooh, I don't want to
21:24
Speaker 1: say this yet, or I don't want to set that
21:26
Speaker 1: boundary yet because they might not want to actually go
21:28
Speaker 1: on a date with me and they're just so perfect.
21:29
Speaker 1: Are they perfect for you? If they don't want to
21:31
Speaker 1: go on a date with you, no matter how good
21:34
Speaker 1: they are on paper, they're not perfect because they don't
21:36
Speaker 1: like you. And part of a relationship requires the other
21:39
Speaker 1: person to like you. Right, So we've got to shake
21:44
Speaker 1: ourselves and snap out of it. Right. So, if you're
21:48
Speaker 1: starting to come up with these excuses of why it's
21:51
Speaker 1: okay that this person left you in red on what,
21:53
Speaker 1: then you're being limberent okay, and you need to wake up.
21:57
Speaker 1: So we need to have these grounding techniques. You've got
21:59
Speaker 1: to say, I can't fill in the blanks with fantasy?
22:03
Speaker 1: Number one, am I feeling in the blanks with fantasy?
22:05
Speaker 1: Have this person actually shown me these traits have they
22:08
Speaker 1: shown me? Because it's all well and good to have
22:10
Speaker 1: the job you want, the looks you want, your adventurous
22:13
Speaker 1: bangu bang, You've ticked all the boxes. But how do
22:15
Speaker 1: they make you feel? Do they make you feel comfortable
22:17
Speaker 1: in your own skin? Are they the kind of person
22:19
Speaker 1: that is jealous? Are they the kind of person that's possessive?
22:23
Speaker 1: Do they try and control you? Are they like all
22:25
Speaker 1: these things that we don't even know yet because we
22:26
Speaker 1: haven't actually met them, we haven't actually spent adequate time
22:29
Speaker 1: with them. So taking things slowly, not filling in the
22:32
Speaker 1: blanks without actually no it stay rooted in your routine
22:37
Speaker 1: and your life. If you find yourself daydreaming way too
22:39
Speaker 1: much about this person, you need to kind of snap
22:42
Speaker 1: out of it and do an activity or do something
22:44
Speaker 1: that brings you joy independently, and those things are going
22:47
Speaker 1: to help you kind of pull away from those limerent feelings.
22:51
Speaker 1: But check out my episode on Limerates as well if
22:53
Speaker 1: you want a deeper insight, because you always have to
22:55
Speaker 1: remind yourself, am I connecting with this person? Or am
22:58
Speaker 1: I connecting with the idea of this person? Ask yourself
23:03
Speaker 1: that again and again and again and they're normally, someone
23:06
Speaker 1: who is experiencing limerens is likely to kind of fall
23:10
Speaker 1: into that trap more often. And if someone who's never
23:12
Speaker 1: experienced limreates orlways like, nah, I need to get to
23:14
Speaker 1: know this person before I can even whatever, then you've
23:16
Speaker 1: kind of already a bit more protected in that realm.
23:18
Speaker 1: So kind of figure out what person you are now.
23:23
Speaker 1: The next thing we're going to talk about is stop
23:26
Speaker 1: wasting time on the wrong fit. You will have way
23:29
Speaker 1: more fun. Even if you're someone that's like I want
23:32
Speaker 1: to find my person, you will still have way more
23:34
Speaker 1: fun using the dating apps, using Bumble, using your profile,
23:39
Speaker 1: using other people's profile, and looking into it. You're going
23:42
Speaker 1: to enjoy it so much more if you don't waste
23:45
Speaker 1: time on the wrong fit. Do you know how empowering
23:47
Speaker 1: it is? Do you know how good it is for
23:49
Speaker 1: your self esteem to be able to be the one
23:52
Speaker 1: that says, as much as I like you on paper,
23:55
Speaker 1: I'm going to walk away from this one because I
23:57
Speaker 1: don't think it's the right fit. How you treat me
24:00
Speaker 1: is not emotionally aligned with how I would treat you,
24:02
Speaker 1: and that's okay, But I'm not gonna waste time because
24:05
Speaker 1: if I waste time, I'm actually doing myself a disservice.
24:08
Speaker 1: And every time I waste my time on someone that
24:10
Speaker 1: disrespects me, I am telling myself that's my worth. I'm
24:14
Speaker 1: worth sitting around like a fucking fucking hamster doing fuck
24:19
Speaker 1: all while this person decides maybe I want to spend
24:23
Speaker 1: time with you, maybe I don't want to spend no, no,
24:24
Speaker 1: no year, And here I'm waiting. What does that say
24:27
Speaker 1: to you? Your self? Estem is gonna go down if
24:29
Speaker 1: I keep waiting for someone to decide if they want
24:32
Speaker 1: to hang out with me, if they want to reply,
24:34
Speaker 1: and then I send a second message, and then I've
24:35
Speaker 1: said two messages in a row, and then they still
24:37
Speaker 1: haven't replied. What am I saying to myself? I'm saying
24:40
Speaker 1: that's what you're worth. Okay, So we need to stop
24:43
Speaker 1: wasting time on the wrong fit. And your self esteem
24:45
Speaker 1: is going to skyrocket when you're able to do that.
24:48
Speaker 1: And if you're someone that's like, oh my god, but
24:50
Speaker 1: I feel like I just haven't given this person enough time.
24:52
Speaker 1: And what it doesn't matter if someone's left you on
24:56
Speaker 1: read and you've asked a legitimate question, or you've you've
25:00
Speaker 1: you know, prompted them to ask you on a date,
25:03
Speaker 1: or you've asked them on a date, and they're not whatever,
25:05
Speaker 1: they're not. They haven't not seen it, they're not too busy,
25:08
Speaker 1: they're not like, stop making excuses for these people. They
25:11
Speaker 1: can read. Okay, they read it, so it's up to
25:14
Speaker 1: them now to do something about it. And I'm all
25:17
Speaker 1: for messaging people twice in a row, but not three times. Okay,
25:22
Speaker 1: so you know I've put it out there once you
25:25
Speaker 1: didn't bite the bait. I'm gonna put it out there
25:27
Speaker 1: one more time. If you didn't bite the bait, I'm
25:29
Speaker 1: not fucking putting it out there a third time, because
25:32
Speaker 1: how thick is this person that they're not going to
25:34
Speaker 1: be able to realize something. You are wasting your time
25:36
Speaker 1: on the wrong fit. And then what happens. You start spiraling,
25:39
Speaker 1: You start falling into these limberent thoughts. You start making
25:41
Speaker 1: fantasies over this person when in reality their behaviors don't
25:44
Speaker 1: match the dream that you had for a person. Okay,
25:47
Speaker 1: you need to snap out of it, and when you do,
25:49
Speaker 1: you feel so good, and then you're actually able to
25:51
Speaker 1: engage with other people. You're able to look at other
25:54
Speaker 1: people and say, you know what, you might not be
25:56
Speaker 1: perfect on paper, but you're interesting and you seem really funny,
26:00
Speaker 1: and the people that were perfect quote unquote on paper
26:02
Speaker 1: were boring. So I'm gonna give you a try this time,
26:05
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna actually have fun. Right, I'm gonna have fun.
26:09
Speaker 1: Looking at your profile, I'm gonna be like, Wow, this
26:11
Speaker 1: is actually more spontaneous. It's a more more adventurous person
26:14
Speaker 1: that I normally date. I'm gonna give you the time
26:16
Speaker 1: of day. Someone then sends you a message and it's
26:18
Speaker 1: actually really funny and you're like, you know what, maybe
26:22
Speaker 1: I need to spend more time with people that are
26:24
Speaker 1: gonna make me laugh on a date. And that's what
26:25
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do. Okay, I'm going to invest time in
26:28
Speaker 1: the people that are investing time in me and see
26:30
Speaker 1: where that goes. Because at the end of the day,
26:33
Speaker 1: until we've actually met, I don't even know this people anyway,
26:35
Speaker 1: So why not treat people the way that you know,
26:39
Speaker 1: like treat people. If they're treating me really well, then
26:42
Speaker 1: I'm going to read that as a positive sign. And
26:44
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you have to go on a date
26:45
Speaker 1: with anyone that's really nice to you. But I'm saying
26:47
Speaker 1: that look into it and say, you know what, maybe
26:50
Speaker 1: this is an opportunity that I never would have looked at.
26:53
Speaker 1: Somebody that maybe I would never have considered if I
26:55
Speaker 1: cross them on the street. But the people that are
26:57
Speaker 1: normally my type, are they still my type? Is it
27:00
Speaker 1: still working for me? Okay? So that helps you stop
27:03
Speaker 1: waste time on the wrong fit. It helps you, you know,
27:05
Speaker 1: speak to multiple people and look, who is a good
27:07
Speaker 1: fit instead of locking in one person, becoming obsessed and
27:09
Speaker 1: thinking this is the be all, end all. And I'm
27:11
Speaker 1: speaking from experience because I used to be like that.
27:13
Speaker 1: I used to like fixate and just be so in
27:15
Speaker 1: love with someone that like just was not reciprocating, and
27:19
Speaker 1: it is such a waste of your time. Sense sense, Okay.
27:30
Speaker 1: Now the next thing is get good at asking for
27:33
Speaker 1: what you want. Okay. Again, we really struggle to ask
27:37
Speaker 1: for what we want because we think it's going to
27:39
Speaker 1: turn people off if it burns the bridge, burn the bridge. Okay.
27:44
Speaker 1: That is one of the best pieces of advice I
27:46
Speaker 1: can give you when it comes to early dating, because
27:48
Speaker 1: if you're thinking, oh my god, if I say that thing,
27:50
Speaker 1: that person's never gonna like me. Well, if saying what
27:53
Speaker 1: you feel is the truth to you means that that
27:57
Speaker 1: person is not gonna like you, give them the opportunity
27:59
Speaker 1: to not like you, so you can move on to
28:01
Speaker 1: the next thing. Okay, burn the bridge. If you have
28:04
Speaker 1: to second guess everything you say to hope that someone
28:07
Speaker 1: will like you. Oh but if I say that, maybe
28:09
Speaker 1: that's true, maybe they're not gonna align in this way,
28:12
Speaker 1: or maybe maybe they're into that and I'm not. And
28:14
Speaker 1: so I've got to pretend that I am into that,
28:15
Speaker 1: because then if I don't, then they're not gonna want
28:18
Speaker 1: to go on the day. Burn the bridge. Burn the bridge.
28:20
Speaker 1: You gotta be straight up and honest with yourself because
28:22
Speaker 1: here you are wasting your time pretending to be someone
28:25
Speaker 1: that you're not. So someone likes you, and then they
28:28
Speaker 1: like you because they like the fake version of you,
28:30
Speaker 1: and then the real you eventually comes out and then
28:32
Speaker 1: you don't align anyway. Okay, So ask for what you want.
28:36
Speaker 1: Get good at asking for what you want. Okay, You're
28:38
Speaker 1: not too much, you're not too demanding, you're not too anything.
28:45
Speaker 1: Just be just be straight up and like I said,
28:48
Speaker 1: you don't have to say I want marriage right now.
28:50
Speaker 1: I want it. No, But you could say, I want
28:53
Speaker 1: someone that's you know, able to reply. I want someone
28:56
Speaker 1: that wants to take me out on a date. I
28:57
Speaker 1: want someone that you know, whatever it is, just get
29:02
Speaker 1: clear on what it is that you want and ask
29:04
Speaker 1: for it. I want someone that when we do go
29:06
Speaker 1: on a date, they're not inviting me to their home
29:09
Speaker 1: because creepy. I want someone who actually puts in the effort. Okay.
29:14
Speaker 1: I also want someone that if we decide to go
29:17
Speaker 1: on a date, even if I'm the one that invited
29:19
Speaker 1: them on a date, I still see effort on their end,
29:21
Speaker 1: you know. I want someone that after the first date,
29:23
Speaker 1: they then follow up with another date. And if they're
29:26
Speaker 1: the ones that ask for the first date, I want
29:29
Speaker 1: someone that when they do that, they're putting in the effort.
29:32
Speaker 1: And another thing is that you can also say I
29:34
Speaker 1: want someone that you know. And I've had listen to
29:38
Speaker 1: questions about this as well. Some people say I need
29:40
Speaker 1: someone that is messaging me like every morning and every evening,
29:46
Speaker 1: but I don't need anything throughout the day. Other people
29:48
Speaker 1: are like, no, I need someone that's communicating way more often.
29:50
Speaker 1: I need this, And if that's the case, then this
29:52
Speaker 1: is a really good opportunity for you to start actually
29:56
Speaker 1: like talking about how much community or how little communication
30:01
Speaker 1: you actually need. Okay, because it's also important to meet
30:04
Speaker 1: in the middle, but you have to be clear on
30:06
Speaker 1: what it is that you want, which then leads me
30:08
Speaker 1: to my next point, and that is being honest with yourself. Okay.
30:13
Speaker 1: So when you're honest with yourself, this is asking you
30:17
Speaker 1: yourself these questions and do it regularly. Okay. You meet
30:21
Speaker 1: this person, you love their profile, you start talking to them,
30:24
Speaker 1: ask yourself, am I forcing this or is it happening organically?
30:28
Speaker 1: There's a difference between effort and forcing. Effort is where
30:33
Speaker 1: you put in the effort, where you engage, where you
30:36
Speaker 1: take the time out to talk to somebody, where you
30:39
Speaker 1: ask them questions, where you remember what it is that
30:42
Speaker 1: they told you and you ask follow up questions. Where
30:45
Speaker 1: you listen, okay, where you come up with great ideas
30:49
Speaker 1: for a date or a story, or where you actually
30:52
Speaker 1: reply with a full sentence or a paragraph, things like that.
30:55
Speaker 1: That's effort. Forcing is follow up message, follow up messas,
31:00
Speaker 1: it's pretending to be someone that you're not putting on
31:02
Speaker 1: a facade, putting on a that's forcing sitting there day
31:06
Speaker 1: dream enforcing? Okay, So am I trying to force this
31:11
Speaker 1: thing to work? And you know the truth, you don't
31:14
Speaker 1: need other people to tell you know. Okay, then you've
31:17
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself do I feel And this is
31:20
Speaker 1: the biggest one, the biggest one. Do I feel safe
31:24
Speaker 1: and myself around this person? Whether it's when I'm messaging
31:28
Speaker 1: them or whether it's when we actually go on that
31:30
Speaker 1: date and meet up. You know, and you're going to
31:33
Speaker 1: feel nervous the first date, that's a given. But at
31:35
Speaker 1: the end of the date, after an hour, two hours,
31:37
Speaker 1: however long the date is, at the end, how comfortable
31:41
Speaker 1: did you feel in yourself by the end of the
31:43
Speaker 1: dates or by the third date or whatever? Okay? Because
31:47
Speaker 1: if you still feel that you've got to put on
31:52
Speaker 1: a version of yourself, then you're forcing it. Okay. Am
31:56
Speaker 1: I ignoring my intuition for potential? Those little warning signs,
32:01
Speaker 1: That little comment that they made that made you think, oh,
32:04
Speaker 1: this person's going to be possessive or jealous, this person's
32:08
Speaker 1: but they're so hot, so maybe I just not. No, Okay,
32:12
Speaker 1: that is a red flag. That is intuition telling you
32:16
Speaker 1: I saw the signs. Am I going to ignore the sign.
32:19
Speaker 1: What am I going to do? Okay? This is the
32:23
Speaker 1: more honest you can be with yourself, the easier and
32:26
Speaker 1: quicker you nip things in the bud and you move
32:29
Speaker 1: on to something that actually works for you. That's when
32:31
Speaker 1: you feel empowered dating. That's when you take control of dating, okay.
32:36
Speaker 1: And the beauty of you know, when you're messaging people
32:38
Speaker 1: back and forth, a lot of these warning signs you
32:41
Speaker 1: can already see in their language in the messages before
32:43
Speaker 1: you even go on a date with these people. Okay.
32:46
Speaker 1: So that's the beauty of it, And that's how you
32:47
Speaker 1: take back control because you might think, oh, but you know,
32:51
Speaker 1: I'm letting go off something that could potentially because that's limericks.
32:54
Speaker 1: We're not falling in love with the fantasy. We're falling
32:56
Speaker 1: in love with what we see. What you see is
32:58
Speaker 1: what you get. And if someone is a great person
33:01
Speaker 1: but they're just not in the right space at the time,
33:04
Speaker 1: that they're still not the right person for you. I
33:06
Speaker 1: don't care how good you are, how good are you
33:08
Speaker 1: to me right now? Because if you're a great person
33:12
Speaker 1: but you're treating me like shit, be a great person
33:14
Speaker 1: to somebody else. Okay, that's fine, but I don't have
33:17
Speaker 1: to put up with your bullshit behavior because it's just
33:20
Speaker 1: not the right time. I don't have to wait for
33:22
Speaker 1: the timing to be right for you. Okay, So just
33:24
Speaker 1: be honest with yourself. And then lastly, we're going to
33:29
Speaker 1: talk about really reclaiming your control in dating. Okay, So
33:34
Speaker 1: you've got to remind yourself that when you date, you
33:38
Speaker 1: are not auditioning. Okay. It is kind of like a
33:42
Speaker 1: mutual interview for both parties. I think a lot of
33:47
Speaker 1: the time we think, does this person like me? Do
33:51
Speaker 1: they like me? Are they gonna like me? I know,
33:53
Speaker 1: you ever asking yourself? Do I like this person? Do
33:55
Speaker 1: I want to date this person? Do I like that
33:58
Speaker 1: part of their personality just because they look good on
34:00
Speaker 1: But do I actually like that? Do I want to
34:01
Speaker 1: date them? Are they ticking off the criteria for how
34:04
Speaker 1: they make me feel? Okay, it's mutual. It's all well
34:08
Speaker 1: and good for like. I think it's healthy to be like,
34:10
Speaker 1: I hope this person likes me in the sense of
34:13
Speaker 1: I hope I'm being polite, I hope I'm being respectful.
34:15
Speaker 1: I hope I made this person feel heard and listened to.
34:19
Speaker 1: I hope that that person had an entertaining date. I
34:22
Speaker 1: hope that they found humor in it, that they could
34:24
Speaker 1: laugh with me. That's you being a good person, because
34:26
Speaker 1: you actually want someone to have a good time in
34:28
Speaker 1: your company. But make sure that that's not the only
34:31
Speaker 1: thing you're asking yourself. You've also got to flip it
34:33
Speaker 1: around and say, are they making me feel entertained? Or
34:35
Speaker 1: am I the only one bringing the humor into this?
34:38
Speaker 1: Are they making me feel secure? Or am I the
34:39
Speaker 1: one trying to make them comfortable the whole time? And
34:41
Speaker 1: they've done none of that for me. Have they made
34:44
Speaker 1: me feel heard? Have they asked me follow up questions?
34:46
Speaker 1: Or is it the show all about them? Right? Like?
34:49
Speaker 1: I used to be so into this person. This is
34:51
Speaker 1: like literally ten years ago now, I want to say,
34:55
Speaker 1: soon after I moved to Sydney, and it was like
34:57
Speaker 1: the first person I was into after like like my
34:59
Speaker 1: first heartbreak. And it was quite good because it was
35:03
Speaker 1: I thought it was quite good because it was distracting
35:06
Speaker 1: me from the heartbreak, right And it was in hindsight
35:10
Speaker 1: crazy limereates like textbook limereates. I can't even begin to explain.
35:14
Speaker 1: But we would see each other. This guy was not
35:16
Speaker 1: into me at all how I would want someone to
35:19
Speaker 1: be into me. They enjoyed my company enough ish and
35:22
Speaker 1: we would hang up maybe like once a week, and
35:24
Speaker 1: it was always me going to his We'd never go
35:26
Speaker 1: on a day. It was very like he was comfortable
35:29
Speaker 1: and I was like, pandering, pandering, pandering like a fucking joke.
35:32
Speaker 1: But anyway, one thing that I noticed, and that's when
35:37
Speaker 1: I started kind of snapping out of it because I
35:39
Speaker 1: used to like this at the time when I was
35:41
Speaker 1: doing private pilates and I was teaching this client and
35:44
Speaker 1: I was telling her all about him, and she was
35:46
Speaker 1: saying to me, well, ask him, are we exclusive? And
35:48
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, no, no, no, I couldn't ask that. I
35:50
Speaker 1: could never. I just couldn't. And she's like, well, if
35:52
Speaker 1: you're feeling that way, then maybe you're nervous and you
35:55
Speaker 1: feel that way for a reason. Maybe it's because you
35:56
Speaker 1: know it's not the right thing. And I hated how
36:00
Speaker 1: right she was, but she kind of got me thinking of, like,
36:03
Speaker 1: I need to start getting real with myself. If I'm
36:05
Speaker 1: not willing to ask him are we exclusive, it's because
36:08
Speaker 1: I'm scared of the answer. It's because I kind of
36:10
Speaker 1: know the answer. I know that he's not into me
36:12
Speaker 1: enough to ask that question yet. And if I can't
36:15
Speaker 1: ask that question yet and it's been months, then what
36:17
Speaker 1: am I doing? And then one day I realized. Soon
36:20
Speaker 1: after that, I went to his house, we you know,
36:22
Speaker 1: hung out, watch movies, had dinner ordered in, and it
36:25
Speaker 1: hit me that not just that night, but every other night,
36:28
Speaker 1: he had never asked me a question about my life
36:31
Speaker 1: other than how was your day? How was work? I
36:34
Speaker 1: knew all about his family, his relationship with his aunties,
36:39
Speaker 1: his you know, schooling, and how his high school life
36:42
Speaker 1: was and what he did with he didn't I don't
36:44
Speaker 1: think he even knew what I studied at UNI or
36:48
Speaker 1: what I like. He knew fuck all about my life.
36:51
Speaker 1: And I'm like, that is so telling, right. We are
36:55
Speaker 1: so good at lying to ourselves to you know, so
37:00
Speaker 1: in the hope that something's gonna get better because well
37:02
Speaker 1: they're giving me. You know. The delusion is wild that
37:07
Speaker 1: we experience when we're dating because we say, oh my god,
37:09
Speaker 1: they watch my stories. Oh my god, they watch my stories.
37:13
Speaker 1: That's not enough. Do you know how many stories I
37:15
Speaker 1: watch with people that I would never shag with a
37:17
Speaker 1: ten foot poll? Okay, it doesn't matter if they've watched
37:19
Speaker 1: your stories. It doesn't mean they want to marry you. Okay,
37:21
Speaker 1: snap out of it. The amount of times that you think,
37:25
Speaker 1: you know, oh my god, this person like they replied,
37:28
Speaker 1: they said good morning. Yeah. Cool, that's the bare minimum.
37:32
Speaker 1: I've just got to be a bit more honest. I've
37:33
Speaker 1: got to reclaim the power. Okay. I'm able to look
37:38
Speaker 1: at this and say, do you do I like you
37:41
Speaker 1: as much as you like me? Or do or you
37:43
Speaker 1: treating me the way that I'm treating you? Is this reciprocal? Okay?
37:48
Speaker 1: Because in hindsight, if I was using that thing of
37:50
Speaker 1: do I actually like how this person treats me? I
37:52
Speaker 1: was so focused on loving the image of this person
37:55
Speaker 1: and then hoping that they like me that I never
37:58
Speaker 1: stopped until months later to think, do I want to
38:01
Speaker 1: date someone that knows nothing about me? Do I want
38:03
Speaker 1: to date someone that never puts in the effort to
38:05
Speaker 1: take me out? In a date that never comes to
38:07
Speaker 1: my place, I always have to go to his that
38:09
Speaker 1: like he is like the lack of effort when you
38:11
Speaker 1: think about it, put aside the you know, the oh,
38:14
Speaker 1: but they're so good looking and they're successful. Put that
38:16
Speaker 1: aside like boring, you're a flop, like where's the effort right,
38:20
Speaker 1: And then we can look at it that way. You
38:22
Speaker 1: snap out of it and you think, I'm taking the
38:24
Speaker 1: fucking control back. I'm now empowered, you know, like that
38:27
Speaker 1: that shiny version of you has disappeared and I'm able
38:31
Speaker 1: to be like, you know what, thank you, No, thank you.
38:32
Speaker 1: I'm going to move on to the next of you know,
38:35
Speaker 1: someone that's actually entertaining, and you're going to realize when
38:37
Speaker 1: you start having that mentality, you start having fun in dating.
38:41
Speaker 1: Even if you don't want to sleep around and you
38:43
Speaker 1: don't want to have malta, you still can have fun.
38:46
Speaker 1: You can still you know, enjoy the dating pool and
38:50
Speaker 1: make it something that doesn't feel like, oh my god,
38:53
Speaker 1: everyone's like the soul I felt that, you know last
38:56
Speaker 1: time I was dating. You know. A lot of the time,
38:57
Speaker 1: the reason we feel this animosity towards it's dating or
39:01
Speaker 1: to being on a dating app is because we feel
39:04
Speaker 1: like we're pandering to everyone so much. We want people
39:07
Speaker 1: to like us so badly because we want to go
39:09
Speaker 1: on that date, and then we feel like we've lost control,
39:12
Speaker 1: and then it makes us question ourselves and then we
39:15
Speaker 1: start getting anxiety. Okay, if you turn it around and
39:18
Speaker 1: take control, teach people how to treat you. Get really
39:21
Speaker 1: good at identifying these behavioral patterns, get really good at
39:24
Speaker 1: identifying liberate behavior, get really good at identifying what do
39:27
Speaker 1: I want? This is a mutual thing. Okay, not only
39:31
Speaker 1: do they have to like me, I have to actually
39:33
Speaker 1: like them, not just the idea of them them. Then
39:36
Speaker 1: you're going to really start enjoying dating. Okay, you're going
39:40
Speaker 1: to like I just know that if I was in
39:42
Speaker 1: the dating scene now, with the kind of personality that
39:45
Speaker 1: I have, I would have way more fun because of
39:48
Speaker 1: who I am and how sure of myself I am.
39:51
Speaker 1: I would waste next to zero time on somebody that
39:55
Speaker 1: was showing me behaviors that they're going to play me
39:57
Speaker 1: or they're not that interested. I'd be like, thanks, but no,
39:59
Speaker 1: thanks no, And I would have fun with somebody that's
40:01
Speaker 1: there for you know, for an adventure or for you know,
40:03
Speaker 1: something spontaneous or something fun or a good date or effort. Okay,
40:09
Speaker 1: and you've got to remind yourself, I'm allowed to walk
40:11
Speaker 1: away when my peace of mind is disturbed, even if
40:14
Speaker 1: there's the running the risk that this person could have
40:16
Speaker 1: been a good match. If I feel like this is
40:19
Speaker 1: giving me anxiety, they're making me feel like I'm just
40:23
Speaker 1: you know there. When they're like bored, I'm allowed to
40:26
Speaker 1: walk away. I'm allowed to be like, you know what,
40:29
Speaker 1: I'm not here for this right now. I've already healed.
40:32
Speaker 1: I've gone through my healing process. I don't need to
40:34
Speaker 1: be doing this shit again. I'm allowed to walk away.
40:36
Speaker 1: That is perfectly fine for you to do that. Okay. Again,
40:39
Speaker 1: it is about taking back control you don't. You know,
40:43
Speaker 1: you don't owe access to anyone. If someone wants access
40:48
Speaker 1: to you and you don't want to give it, you
40:49
Speaker 1: don't have to, Okay. So yeah. Basically to recap, they
40:55
Speaker 1: focusing on protecting your energy by being clean with what
40:58
Speaker 1: you want, by explaining what it is that you want,
41:02
Speaker 1: and you don't have to have a resume of like
41:04
Speaker 1: this is what I want. But when you see behaviors,
41:06
Speaker 1: you can just identify yep, this is what I want.
41:08
Speaker 1: This is what I don't want. If everything aligns and
41:11
Speaker 1: you don't have to be like, yes, you're doing the
41:13
Speaker 1: right thing, you can just be like, Okay, I'm going
41:15
Speaker 1: to keep entertaining this because it aligns. But if things
41:17
Speaker 1: don't align, you can give it the opportunity to be like, hey,
41:20
Speaker 1: I noticed that you never reply. Is this something that
41:22
Speaker 1: you normally do? Just so I can decide if I
41:24
Speaker 1: want to move forward with this or not. You know,
41:26
Speaker 1: and you feel comfortable saying those things, You're going to
41:28
Speaker 1: realize that you're going to get into a habit of
41:31
Speaker 1: getting really clear with what you want and enjoying expressing
41:35
Speaker 1: what it is that you want to other people. Before
41:37
Speaker 1: you know it, your self esteem is going to be
41:39
Speaker 1: through the roof. Because you put yourself first, You're able
41:42
Speaker 1: to say tell it like it is. You're able to
41:45
Speaker 1: ask yourself, do I actually like this person? You snap
41:48
Speaker 1: out of limerent behaviors and you enjoy dating. You have
41:51
Speaker 1: fun putting your profile together, you have fun asking people,
41:54
Speaker 1: there's different questions. You enjoy dating. Even if you're a
41:58
Speaker 1: serial monogamist. You will have so much fun dating. If
42:01
Speaker 1: you take control and you feel like the ball is
42:03
Speaker 1: in your court, thank you very much. Because it's my
42:06
Speaker 1: time and it's my life, and I can dictate where
42:09
Speaker 1: I'm going to spend time or if I'm going to
42:10
Speaker 1: waste time who I'm going to waste it with Okay,
42:13
Speaker 1: so yeah, take on board all those little tips and tricks.
42:16
Speaker 1: Go set up your profile. If you're re entering the
42:19
Speaker 1: dating scene, or if you're like, do I go back
42:21
Speaker 1: to the apps? Do I not go back to the apps?
42:23
Speaker 1: Try download Bumble, set up your profile, try all their
42:27
Speaker 1: new features, and I can guarantee you, with this whole
42:30
Speaker 1: episode and all the tools that I've given you, you
42:32
Speaker 1: are going to feel so much more empowered. You're going
42:34
Speaker 1: to feel so good and message me and let me
42:38
Speaker 1: know how it went. Let me know what you experienced
42:41
Speaker 1: the differences, because I'd love to hear your feedback on
42:45
Speaker 1: a new, fresh approach to dating and how that has
42:48
Speaker 1: impacted your You know how you feel towards it, and
42:51
Speaker 1: how much you enjoy the dating scene, whether you're dating
42:54
Speaker 1: for fun or whether you're dating to get married, whatever
42:58
Speaker 1: it is you Yea, this will make you feel a
43:00
Speaker 1: whole lot more lighthearted, and you're going to fall in
43:03
Speaker 1: love with yourself a whole lot more. When you're able
43:06
Speaker 1: to put these things into practice, you'll find a whole
43:09
Speaker 1: new love for you, which is really the ultimate romance,
43:12
Speaker 1: isn't it. Guys, Thank you so much for listening to
43:17
Speaker 1: this episode. Definitely share this episode with anyone that you
43:21
Speaker 1: think would need this or needs like a mindset shift
43:23
Speaker 1: when it comes to dating or you know, dating online
43:26
Speaker 1: as well. So share it, let people know, give it
43:30
Speaker 1: to your best friend, and as always remember be kind
43:34
Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't text shit
43:36
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't text shit from yourself. Dunker