Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #945 The Best Parenting Advice Ever

Transcript

#945 The Best Parenting Advice Ever · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now. I love the start of a new week, fresh starts,
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  Speaker 1: fresh attitudes, The kids are excited for a Monday morning
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: back to school house.
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  Speaker 2: Clearly, you did not wake up in our house.
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  Speaker 1: Trying to put a positive vibe on things. Okay, this
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  Speaker 1: is doctor Justin Courson. Here with my wife Munda are
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  Speaker 1: six kids, the ever optimistic, constantly positive Mishavy family. All right, Kylie,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: this time last week. Hello, what what have I done?
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  Speaker 3: Oh?
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  Speaker 1: Sorry, I was going to start. Okay, you start.
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  Speaker 2: I was going to start today.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, this this is what it's like, folks, Like, seriously,
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  Speaker 1: this is this, This is what I'm with. Just be flexible,
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  Speaker 1: just go with it.
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  Speaker 2: Last week we asked everybody to share with us their
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  Speaker 2: worst parenting advice, and they really came to the party
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  Speaker 2: with it, didn't They get us some really just devastating
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  Speaker 2: advice that people have given.
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  Speaker 1: Pretty disconcerting. That's how it felt, really disconcerting.
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  Speaker 2: But I'm really grateful to say that today we have
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  Speaker 2: asked everybody to share their best parenting advice and the
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  Speaker 2: list looks a lot better.
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  Speaker 1: So Adam Grant, who has the podcast Rethinking, regularly asks
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  Speaker 1: his guests what the worst advice they've ever received. Is
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  Speaker 1: never heard him ask what's the best advice. I think
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  Speaker 1: we're one upping the great Adam Grant today.
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  Speaker 2: You're hearing it first on Happy Families.
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  Speaker 1: I love it. We received some voice memos. Hi.
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  Speaker 4: It's Sarah from the Illawarra. The best advice I ever
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  Speaker 4: got is from a dear friend whose kids were older
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  Speaker 4: than ours, and he said to us, connect with your
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  Speaker 4: kids every day in a way that's meaningful for them.
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  Speaker 4: And that was the best advice got us through some
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  Speaker 4: really tough times and I have a really great relationship
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  Speaker 4: with my kids now because of it. Thanks Jonathan, you
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  Speaker 4: know who you are.
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  Speaker 3: My name is Haley and I'm from Kerrang. I got
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  Speaker 3: this piece of advice from a maternal child health nurse
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  Speaker 3: and it's this, be in the moment, whether it's good
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  Speaker 3: or whether it's bad. Just be in that moment, in
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  Speaker 3: a good one, when the baby has slept through the
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  Speaker 3: night and you're feeling great, don't look ahead. Just celebrate
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  Speaker 3: that moment and enjoy that moment.
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  Speaker 2: Rhiannon sheard high emotions equals low in talented. I think
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  Speaker 2: I've heard that somewhere.
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  Speaker 1: I've heard that somewhere before as well. That sounds like
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  Speaker 1: something I might have said once or twice.
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  Speaker 2: Not only does it apply to my kids, but to
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  Speaker 2: myself and my husband as well, And it one hundred
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  Speaker 2: percent makes sense. Each time I'm facing a challenging moment
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  Speaker 2: with my boys, I remember this, take a breath and
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  Speaker 2: wait for the train to make its way through the
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  Speaker 2: tunnel before trying to fix anything.
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  Speaker 1: I think I'm going to get a big head if
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  Speaker 1: we have more comments like that. It's almost like somebody's
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  Speaker 1: just teaching my parenting seven ar to me. Some really
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  Speaker 1: nice insights though, from Lisa Kay, who said, listen to
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  Speaker 1: what you know is true. If your kids be the
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  Speaker 1: parent they need, not the parent you want to be,
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  Speaker 1: how good is that? Be the parent they need, not
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  Speaker 1: the parent you want to be, and understand that this
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  Speaker 1: might be different for each child.
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  Speaker 2: So true. Kimberly said, get to know your child, each
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  Speaker 2: of them uniquely individual, Then go with your gut. Knowing
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  Speaker 2: each of my children well generally means I know when
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  Speaker 2: to let them figure stuff out and when I need
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  Speaker 2: to fight for them. It helps me figure out what's
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  Speaker 2: going on when few words are spoken.
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  Speaker 1: So the underlying theme here very much is it's about
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  Speaker 1: time with your kids, Like you can't get to know
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  Speaker 1: them unless you're spending time with them. That's how relationships
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  Speaker 1: are built. T I am, It's all about that connection.
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  Speaker 1: Really really nice stuff. I'm going to share the next couple.
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  Speaker 1: They both come down to this idea that I talk
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  Speaker 1: about a lot in terms of supporting our kids autonomy.
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  Speaker 1: First one from Vanessa in Sydney. I just love this,
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  Speaker 1: Vanessa and Sydney said, are you ready? This might be
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  Speaker 1: the best advice I've ever heard. If they're cold, they
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  Speaker 1: will put a jumper on. Isn't that great? I grew
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  Speaker 1: up in a home where I was constantly told it's cold,
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  Speaker 1: you need to put a jumper on. And I would
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  Speaker 1: be saying to my mum, but I'm not cold, and
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  Speaker 1: she'd say, that's ridiculous, Stop being silly, it's freezing, put
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  Speaker 1: a jumper on. But I wasn't cold, and if I
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  Speaker 1: was cold, I would have put a jumper on.
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  Speaker 2: Well, in our house, they are cold, but I don't
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  Speaker 2: want to turn the air conditioning cold, so I am
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  Speaker 2: telling them to put a jumper on as.
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  Speaker 1: Samantha said, this is some advice from the author John Hold.
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  Speaker 1: If I had to make a general rule for living
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  Speaker 1: and working with children, it might be this. Be wary
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  Speaker 1: of saying or doing anything to a child that you
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  Speaker 1: would not do to another adult whose good opinion and
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  Speaker 1: affection you valued.
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  Speaker 2: Oh that's good, that's really good. I particularly loved the
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  Speaker 2: advice emphasizing the importance of ensuring your children know that
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  Speaker 2: they loved unconditionally.
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  Speaker 1: This is my big one, right, I love this.
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  Speaker 2: Jessica said, my best advice I give all the time
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  Speaker 2: and live by. When hugging your child, never let go first.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, my heart, my heart, my heart.
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  Speaker 2: A Lisky said, when they are hardest to love, love
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  Speaker 2: them harder. Sit down and read a book together, or
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  Speaker 2: just cuddle.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's I often say. When your children are the
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  Speaker 1: least deserving is when they need it the most. Not
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  Speaker 1: that they're ever not deserving of love, but sometimes you
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  Speaker 1: don't really want to give it to them, but can't.
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  Speaker 1: Just go back to Jessica for a sec When hugging
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  Speaker 1: your child, never let go first. I love how practical
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  Speaker 1: that is. I want to go and try that now, Like,
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  Speaker 1: just finish the podcast, and go and hug one of
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  Speaker 1: the kids and just keep hugging until they let go.
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  Speaker 1: How good is that? I think I should do it
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  Speaker 1: with you as well. Might never get anything done.
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  Speaker 2: Lisa said, kid's behavior is rarely what it seems. Anger, disrespect,
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  Speaker 2: non compliance, etc. Requires a parent to put away their
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  Speaker 2: own anger and to sit with a child and ask
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  Speaker 2: the right questions. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Nice stuff. And a couple of quotes here, one from
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  Speaker 1: Jules who's quoting Ross Green. Kids do well if they can.
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  Speaker 1: That's from his explosive child. We had Ross on the
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  Speaker 1: podcast about a year ago, one of the most popular
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  Speaker 1: podcasts episodes we've ever done. Kids do well if they can.
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  Speaker 1: They're not naughty, manipulative, or intentionally in the challenges. They're
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  Speaker 1: not giving us a hard time. They're having a hard time.
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  Speaker 1: Ross might be one of the nicest humans I've ever
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  Speaker 1: spoken to. Such a great guy.
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  Speaker 2: Christy shared her advice from La Nost, who said, discipline
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  Speaker 2: is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making
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  Speaker 2: a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problems,
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  Speaker 2: solvers focus on solutions, not retribution. L R.
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  Speaker 1: Nost is sublime, right, so many great things. I have
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  Speaker 1: often said something similar. I didn't realize how close I
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  Speaker 1: was to what she was saying. But I'll regularly say, really,
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  Speaker 1: good disciplines not really about anything except helping kids to
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  Speaker 1: figure out solutions to problems, challenge your behavior, difficulty with
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  Speaker 1: the sibling, problems with too much screen time, not going
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  Speaker 1: to bed, not liking food. Great discipline is about helping
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  Speaker 1: kids solve problems, and lr Nost has been much more
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  Speaker 1: pithy and effective at saying that than me.
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  Speaker 2: Marie from Suffolk, England said that the way you talk
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  Speaker 2: to your child becomes there in a voice.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I love that. Marie is in Suffolk in England,
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  Speaker 1: and the next piece of advice came from Mary in Louisiana,
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  Speaker 1: who got some advice from Trudy her friend.
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  Speaker 2: A child can repeat word for word what you thought
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  Speaker 2: they haven't heard.
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  Speaker 1: Had that happened so often? What is it about? Did
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  Speaker 1: you used to love listening to your parents' conversations when
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  Speaker 1: you're a kid. Did you sort of sneak into the
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  Speaker 1: room and just try to listen to everything that they
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  Speaker 1: were talking about, especially when they had friends over.
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  Speaker 2: We have a house full of them. Ella will regularly
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  Speaker 2: say to me, Mum, you're talking too quietly. I can't
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  Speaker 2: listen in. I'm talking so quiet because they know you're
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  Speaker 2: trying to listen in.
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  Speaker 1: All right, we need to wrap this up. Here's a
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  Speaker 1: couple more pieces of advice that came through from Facebook.
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  Speaker 1: We really appreciate you jumping on. We had hundreds of comments.
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  Speaker 1: Once again, I love the way they interact with us
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  Speaker 1: on Facebook. We would love more voice memos, by the way,
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  Speaker 1: please feel free to send those voice memos through. Sophie said,
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  Speaker 1: breathe and don't take it personally. When I remove myself
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  Speaker 1: from the backchat, that defans the rudeness from the kids,
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  Speaker 1: I do a much better job. I love that because
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  Speaker 1: so often it's not really it's just not really about you.
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  Speaker 2: I've got a couple more to go through. Sarah from
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  Speaker 2: Adelaide said, for all those noisy, buzzy, loud and obnoxious
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  Speaker 2: toys that don't have an adjustable volume button, a piece
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  Speaker 2: of clear sticky tape over the speaker is a game changer.
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  Speaker 1: That's great piring advice that I never knew I needed,
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  Speaker 1: never never knew I needed that, but that is brilliant.
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  Speaker 1: The other thing is just don't replace the batteries. I
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  Speaker 1: mean that works. Treat although the kids often get upset
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  Speaker 1: about that. The wonderful Mim Hammond's from All and Gone
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  Speaker 1: said one of the best parenting tips I've ever been given,
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  Speaker 1: possibly from you, doctor j. When your child asked for
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  Speaker 1: something at the shop, don't just dismiss that desire and
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  Speaker 1: straight out say no. Admire what they're admiring, have a
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  Speaker 1: little conversation about what's so cool about the toy, and
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  Speaker 1: then say not today, but I'll take a photo of
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  Speaker 1: it so that we remember that you loved it. It
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  Speaker 1: hasn't yet failed to work, no meltdowns. The child walks
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  Speaker 1: away from the toy of the lolly happy, knowing they
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  Speaker 1: would listen to You've made a moment of connection, set
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  Speaker 1: of boundary, and avoided big feelings, all in a matter
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  Speaker 1: of minutes. Ninety nine percent of the time, the item
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  Speaker 1: is never mentioned again.
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  Speaker 2: She also just ed, hi, did the fancy ice creams
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  Speaker 2: in an empty bag of mixed frozen veggies. Your children
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  Speaker 2: and possibly husband too, will be nonetherwise for their existence.
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  Speaker 1: That's genius. That is jenius. That is genius. I want
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  Speaker 1: to pick up on what Mim said though about that
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  Speaker 1: whole giving them in fantasy what they can't have in reality,
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  Speaker 1: living into that moment with them and saying I get it.
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  Speaker 1: Wouldn't it be great if you could? Let's take a
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  Speaker 1: photo of it. Let's imagine. I got an email just
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  Speaker 1: the other day from a guy who was in one
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  Speaker 1: of my parenting presentations. Unfortunately I didn't get his name.
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  Speaker 1: My team passed this along, but here's what he said.
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  Speaker 1: He was messaging about this giving them in fantasy what
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  Speaker 1: they can't have in reality. Technique. I'd been talking about
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  Speaker 1: it in this presentation. He sends me an email. He says,
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  Speaker 1: the technique is great by the way. I used it.
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  Speaker 1: The next day, when my daughter, four years old one
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  Speaker 1: dress that she saw in a store that we were
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  Speaker 1: only going into for one item, I used the technique,
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't it be great to have all the dresses? Don't
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  Speaker 1: you wish you could? And so on. I used it
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  Speaker 1: maybe two or three more times that day, he said.
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  Speaker 1: The funny part is the next day, we will seated
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  Speaker 1: on the sofa together, having just got home from somewhere.
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  Speaker 1: My wife yels out from the kitchen asking me to
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  Speaker 1: clean something up. Can't remember specifically, hence why she was
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  Speaker 1: reminding me. I quietly say, oh, I don't feel like cleaning.
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  Speaker 1: My daughter turns to me and has this trend and goes,
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't it be great if the house could clean itself?
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  Speaker 1: At first, he says, I didn't catch on. I was like, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: that would be and we both added more details of
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  Speaker 1: the self cleaning house. While going back and forth with
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  Speaker 1: this conversation with my daughter, I was standing and cleaning
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  Speaker 1: while she sat there on the sofa. I realized moments
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  Speaker 1: later that my four year old daughter is going to
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  Speaker 1: be a criminal master. It works on dad's too, works
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  Speaker 1: on dad's too. Great parenting advice. It was mine. I'll
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  Speaker 1: take credit for it. I'm so glad that it's been
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  Speaker 1: helpful him, and I'm so glad that it helped that
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  Speaker 1: dad as well.
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  Speaker 2: And a lucky last Valerie. She says, wipe the wee
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  Speaker 2: picks up when it's wet, and the rice when it's dry.
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  Speaker 1: Great parenting advice. All right, we need to wrap this up, Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: I want to wrap this up with your very best
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  Speaker 1: ever parenting advice, the best advice you've ever heard being
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  Speaker 1: given around raising care. I'm going to share mine as well.
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  Speaker 1: Do you want me to go first or do you
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: want to go first? I'll go first, Okay, what's the
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  Speaker 1: best pairing advice you've ever heard? And it doesn't have
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  Speaker 1: to have been from me, but if it's not, I'll
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: be sad.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think it was from them.
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  Speaker 1: My heart just exploded a little bit earlier because of
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: that view.
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  Speaker 2: I wish I wish I had lived it so much
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  Speaker 2: earlier in my parenting journey. It was just so that
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  Speaker 2: I needed to trust myself and my ability to meet
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: my children's needs. For so long, I second guest myself
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: and everything and really really struggled to know whether or
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: not I was doing the right thing. I was speeding
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: them enough, I was changing the nappy is the right way,
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  Speaker 2: And it was just it's taken a lot of children
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: to get to that place where I have learnt to
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: be comfortable with knowing that deep down at grassroots, I
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: actually do know what my kids need. Sometimes it takes
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: talking to the person to draw the information out, but
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: I do know it. And as I've leaned into that,
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: specifically with the kids now that they're at home, I'm
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  Speaker 2: really seeing some beautiful things happen between them.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: The idea of trust, trusting in the organismic development of
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: the child. I know I used a big word there,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: but there's some really great research around that, and it
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: seems to be one of the best predictors of great
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: outcomes with kids. I love that you said that mine. Well,
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: I can't help myself. I have to go to I'm sorry.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: One of them three words, force creates resistance. My mum
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: used to say it when I was growing up, and
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I don't think that she ever really was able to
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: implement it effectively in her own life. Maybe that's why
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: she said it so often, But that has been at
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: the very forefront of so much of the research that
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: I've done and so much of what I teach today,
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  Speaker 1: and it's changed the way that we raise our kids.
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  Speaker 1: Force creates resistance as profoundly good paring advice. But the
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: one that I have to finish on is trite. It's
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: not mine. I read it way way, way, way way back,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: and it's always stuck with me. And that was to
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: a child, love spelled tame. Thanks so much for the
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: very best advice you shared with us. I really like
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: the idea that we should hide our ice creams in
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: the mix of vegies bag, Thank you, mim. And I
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: really like the idea of when you're hugging your child.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: You should never be the first one to let go.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Thank you Jess for that one. Dr Justin Colson's Happy
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Family's on Facebook. If you'd like to see the entire
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: thread of all of the very best pairing advice, you
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: could write a book about it. There's so much there.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced as always by the
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: wonderful and patient Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: is our ideas guy. He's our executive producer. For more
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: information about how to make your family happier and to
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: join us on the quest to make your family happier
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: step by step, with us holding your hand all the
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: way along the way, a very clearly organized and structured
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  Speaker 1: program to help you get there and make your family flourish.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Join the waiting list for the quest now at Happy
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au