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Before Positions Harden: Preparing Parents to Navigate Parenting Conflict · Divorce Coaches Academy

• Tracy Callahan: Welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy. I'm Tracy, and today I want to talk about something I see from two different places in my work. One as a divorce coach, and the other as a parenting coordinator. So in my work as a parenting coordinator, I see parents come in with years of unresolved conflict. By the time we are actually sitting together. Often because the court told them to, positions have become so deeply entrenched. There is this huge history of disagreements, disappointments, and attempts to get the other parent to understand. And yeah, they want them to change. And sometimes the thought of moving from a position feels almost impossible. Right? That parent may have spent years defending it, they've explained it to the courts, to attorneys. Family members and other professionals. They may have organized decisions around it, right? Each new disagreement has become another reason to hold on more tightly. So when someone asks them to consider a different approach, they may hear something like, what happened to you doesn't matter, or you were wrong all along, or you're the one who needs to give in. So we need to understand that before we expect movement, there's so much going on. A position may have begun with a reasonable concern or a well intentioned effort to protect something important. Perhaps the parent wanted consistency for the kids. Perhaps they wanted their role respected. Perhaps they were trying to prevent another disappointment. Or establish some predictability during a difficult transition. Those original concerns deserve to be understood. But we also need to help that client examine what holding that position is doing now. Is it still addressing the concern that led them there? Does it fit the children's current needs? What does maintaining it require for them? And Is it helping them create that parenting experience they want or keeping them engaged in the same unresolved conflict? Yeah, those are difficult questions, especially, especially after years of defending a particular answer. And when I see this in parenting coordination, God, I think about the opportunities we have so much earlier in divorce coaching. Many of us are working with parents, right, before an acknowledgement, during separation, before mediation, or while they are developing the details or proposals around a parenting plan. We are there when their expectations are forming, when new boundaries are being tested, and when parents are beginning to decide what each interaction means. So, yeah, that timing matters. A disagreement about an exchange become can become a pack practical problem to address. It can also become the beginning of a position that says, you know what, I'm never going to accommodate them again. A difference between households can become an opportunity to examine what a child needs. Or it can also become the basis for. They are incapable of parenting properly, and I need to control what happens over there. We have an opportunity to help our clients, that individual parent, examine that thinking before it becomes the organizing principle for years of decisions. And I believe it addresses a question our courts and the broader family dispute resolution system are still trying to figure out. How do we help families before recurring conflict requires another professional intervention? So from where I sit, much of our response is reactive, right? We become involved after the disagrees has escalated, after communication has deteriorated, or after parents have returned to the same dispute again and again. I would like us to give more attention to what happens before that point. A parenting plan can certainly establish details and arrangements, but that parent still needs the capacity to navigate the disagreements, changes, and difficult interactions that arise within those arrangements. Divorce coaching gives us a place to support that capacity at the individual level. We don't have to wait for both parents to enter the same room before helping one parent become better prepared. So today, I want to make that work practical for us. What can we help a parent recognize, examine, and practice now so they have more usable choices later? So I think the best place to start is really reminding us about what a position means. A position a client holds is often the answer that they've settled on, right? The client thinks that exchange must always happen at the same time or never agree to a schedule change or the children can't participate in that activity. But the concern beneath that position may be quite different. The why, right? Predictability, perhaps, access to children, managing work responsibilities, being included in decisions, having reliable information. That difference matters because a parent can become so focused on defending the position that they stop often examining. Whether it still addresses the concern and why it's even being defended. Right? And the longer that they defend it, the more personally costly it can feel. The client may wonder if I change my mind now, what does that say about everything I have argued before? It can certainly feel like revising one decision requires admitting that their entire history was wrong. That's a huge. Our job is to help make that exploration more specific and more manageable. So I want to use a hypothetical client and we're going to call them Jamie. And Jamie is early in the divorce process and often says things like: Once we have a schedule, there'll be no changes. I know how this goes. If I give an inch, suddenly my whole week revolves around what they want. There may be a history of unreliable arrangements. Jamie may have made accommodations that created real problems. We need to understand that history before we start encouraging flexibility. So I'd want to ask something like, What has happened when you have agreed to changes in the past? Now Jamie may respond, well, I rearranged work, then they changed their mind, and now I'm left finding childcare. Now we have a concern we can see, right? Jamie is saying that she needs predictability and a way to avoid taking on costs without clear arrangements. So I might ask, what would you need to know before you can evaluate a request? Or what would help you distinguish a request you can consider from one that creates a problem for you? That conversation can help Jamie prepare questions, right, about how requests will be handled. It can help Jamie identify practical information she needs. It could help her recognize that considering a quest does not mean automatically accepting it. Now we've opened up the room for options and consideration. We've also left room. For Jamie to conclude that a particular request may not work, right? We are not quietly steering this client toward being more accommodating just because that sounds easier. We're really helping them develop a way to evaluate circumstances instead of relying on a permanent answer to every future situation. So earlier in the process, one useful thing divorce coaches can listen for is the moment an experience becomes what I call a rule. Right? They were late becomes they will never respect my time. They didn't answer becomes there is no point in asking. The children came home set, becomes every visit is harmful. Sometimes these statements reflect serious repeated conduct. Okay, we need to hear the facts and take concerns seriously. But we also need to help the client understand how moving from an event to a conclusion is hindering them. And from that conclusion is forming their next decision. We can ask, what happened in this particular situation? Then, what does that lead you to believe? And how is that belief shaping what you plan to do next? Yeah. That sequence slows the thinking down enough to examine it. So suppose Jamie receives a request to change an exchange and immediately says, Well, they're just testing me. If I say yes once, they'll know they can get away with anything. We can explore that concern without confirming that we know the other parents' intentions. What exactly was requested? What would the change require? What does the client understand about the existing arrangement? What needs to be clarified? And then what would a response look like that addresses this request and protects what matters to you? That is certainly very different. Then helping Jamie draft a a beautifully worded declaration that no request will ever be entertained again. We can make a rigid position sound exceptionally professional. Give it three paragraphs, right? Put it in bit format, courteous closing, and a font with good intention. It is still a rigid position. So we need to look at the thinking behind the communication. What is the client trying to establish? What do they fear would happen if they responded differently? Are they solving the current problem or setting out to make sure the other parent never tries this again? That last goal can keep a person occupied for a really long time. When we notice a rule being formed, We, as divorce coaches, have an opportunity to help the client examine it before it becomes something they carry into every interaction. Now, what about the client who has already held a position for years? Maybe from the marriage, right? We begin with the same respect for what it represents. Tell me how you arrived at this approach. What were you trying to protect? What has made it important to maintain it? We need to listen before we ask additional curious questions. We can explore its present effect. What does this approach make possible for you? Where does it create difficulty? What has changed since you first made this decision? Right? Things change, children get older, parents' activities change, kids change, work circumstances change. A response that addressed one situation certainly may need to be examined in another. Let's go back to Jamie, right? Jamie, several years later. The rule against schedule changes has become a standing position. Their child now has an opportunity to participate in an activity that would require discussing a different exchange arrangement. And Jamie says, absolutely not. We have an agreement. We do not decide whether a change is appropriate, and we do not advise Jamie to disregard an agreement. Questions about obligations or changes belong with the relevant process. But in coaching, we can certainly ask what concerns you about considering this? Jamie might say, Well, if I agree, then they'll think they were right all along. Well, that tells us something important here. The decision is now carrying a concern about what another person will conclude. About years of history. We, as divorce coaches, could ask, what would you want to consider about the activity if you did not have to settle that historical argument through this decision? And we need to give Jamie time with that question because we're asking them to separate things that may have felt inseparable for years. They might recognize that the activity matters to that child. They might identify a genuine transportation problem. They might need more information. They might still decide that that proposal does not work. But the important movement is that they are examining the present decision more fully. We can also ask, what would need to be protected in any alternative that is considered? That helps the client carry forward a legitimate concern while exploring options. Right. Reconsidering an approach does not erase what happened. A parent can say, Well, I had reasons for choosing this then, and I have review reasons to review it now. That is something we can help clients practice early on. It gives them somewhere to go when circumstances change. And I've said this time and time again, practice matters because insight in a coaching session, right? That aha moment can be very impressive, certainly right up until the next message arrives. A client can understand. Everything we have discussed in session and still respond from the old position when they feel criticized, excluded, or frightened. So let's make that preparation concrete. We can ask which interaction is most likely to pull you back into that familiar response. For one client, it might be the request arrives at the last minute. For another, It may be hearing that the children did something differently in another household. For another, it could be a message that combines a practical question with a personal accusation. But in our work, we can choose a situation and we can ask a client to walk through it. What do they notice first? What do they tell themselves it means? What do they feel compelled to do? What actually needs a decision? Suppose a parent receives a You never make everything anything easy. Can we exchange at six instead of five? Well, certainly that client wants to provide a complete history of all the times they have made things easy. They have dates, right? They have screenshots. They have a whole appendix of supporting documentation. We can understand the wish to correct the record. But then we can help them identify what this exchange needs to accomplish. Can they simply evaluate the requested time? Do they need additional information? What would they like their response to communicate? We can have them prepare their own response and then review the reasoning together. Informed, intentional. Right? Which parts address a request? Which parts begin another argument? What concern remains unaddressed? And where does it belong? Now change one of those conditions. What if the other parent responds with criticism? What if they do not answer? What if the requested change will not work? The client can rehearse explaining a limit without turning it into a verdict on the other parent's character. They can practice asking a curious question. They can identify when further advice is needed. We should also help them review what happens afterwards. Where did they use that preparation? Where did it become difficult? What would they adjust next time? Reflect and assess. This is how we support a skill the client can carry forward, conflict capacity. If all we did was help clients rewrite messages, they certainly are going to leave with better emails. And The same unanswered questions about how to handle tomorrow. Progress might be noticing the familiar reaction sooner, asking for information before deciding, recognizing that declining one request does not require declaring a permanent policy, or realizing that accepting one workable request does not obligate them to accept the next. Those are certainly useful forms of preparation for a relationship as co-parents that is going to continue to change. And there's another part of this work that deserves our attention. How the client holds the child's experience while examining their own positions. Parents may be convinced that the position is entirely about protecting the child. Sometimes protection is precisely what is needed. We cannot assume that a parent's concern is merely resentment because we would prefer a more cooperative relationship. But we can certainly help the client get specific about the child's needs and the information available. What have you observed? What has your child told you? What remains unclear? Who might be more qualified to help you understand or address this concern? We can also explore how the parent responds when a child shares something difficult. Imagine a child saying, I hate going back and forth. Hmm. Well, a parent who already opposes the schedule may hear this as a confirmation that the other household is the problem. Well, our assumption iceberg, right? So before we leap to that conclusion, is there room to listen to what the child is describing? Perhaps packing, missing friends, forgetting belongings, a difficult interaction, something that requires immediate professional attention? The parent can acknowledge the child's experience without making the child responsible for resolving the adult disagreement. In divorce coaching, we can help the parent practice listening without immediately building a case against the other parent. We can help them prepare appropriate questions for a child specialist or perhaps their attorney if needed. We can explore how to keep a child from becoming the messenger for a position the parent already holds. And we can ask when you think about your child's experience a year from now, what would you like your own participation to contribute? That gives the client a longer view. It also helps us return to the reason this work matters. A parent's ability to examine a decision, ask for guidance and help, and respond with greater intention can actually affect. the daily experience around that child. We are helping the client consider that influence with care. We're not assigning them responsibility for everything that happens in that family. So the distinction needs to stay clear throughout this conversation. Working with clients at the individual level does not mean one parent can make the other parent reliable, respectful, or safe. It does not mean a well-written message can resolve coercion or that flexibility and mindset is the correct answer to every dispute. If there are threats, intimidation, abuse, or concerns about a child's safety, those concerns require appropriate professional support. Divorce coaching should help the client identify the resources and the guidance they need. We should never treat a protective action as inflexibility simply because it limits contact or cooperation. We also need to be careful with the way we talk about patterns. Both parents may participate in an exchange, but that does not mean their conduct, power, or responsibility is equivalent. Our focus is the client's available options and their actual circumstances. Sometimes the useful choice is to prepare a clearer request. Sometimes it is to stop having the same unproductive conversation and consult with a professional. Sometimes it is to recognize a concern that needs a different process altogether. And when we are acting in this role, we need to remain in that role. Supporting one parent and examining their participation is different from serving as a person who is responsible for resolving the conflict between the two parents. My experience in parenting coordination informs what I see coming later. It does not give a coaching conversation authority to decide a dispute between those parents. We also have to watch our own attachment to cooperation. If a client is revising their thinking mainly because they sense that we approach or approve of a particular answer, we need to examine how we're showing up. We can want the client to have more clarity. We cannot quietly choose that arrangement they should accept. So let's return to that question about prevention. When I see parents with years of unresolved conflict and parenting coordination, I wonder where an earlier opportunity might have existed. Where could someone have helped this parent examine the conclusion they are drawing? Where could they have learned to identify a concern, prepare a question, or evaluate a request without making every decision about the entire history? I am not suggesting that earlier divorce coaching would have prevented every difficulty. Families face circumstances that divorce coaching cannot control, and some situations will continue to require court involvement or another professional intervention. But I do believe that preparing the individual parent deserves a more deliberate place in that process. We spend so much time establishing what will happen on the calendar. We also need to consider what the parent will do when life does not do something that was not on the calendar. Because life has a remarkable lack of respect for a parenting plan everyone worked so hard on to finish. Children grow, schedules change, a request arrives at an inconvenient time. The other parent says something the client really wishes they had not said. Those moments are part of the relationship our clients are preparing to navigate. We can help them anticipate some of them and develop a way to think through the ones they did not anticipate. In your next session with a parent, consider asking, what disagreement do you expect will be difficult for you after the divorce? Then stay with the answer. What makes it difficult? What position are they already forming? What does the position protect? What might it cost? What would help them evaluate the situation when it actually happens? That gives us specific work to do now. And this is exactly the work we will be exploring in our coming six week live course coaching parents through conflict, reducing escalation, strengthening parenting plans, and keeping children at the center. In this course, we're going to draw on experience in divorce coaching, mediation, and parenting coordination to connect conflict dynamics with the practical situations. you as a divorce coach encounter with clients. Through case examples, discussion, and applied exercises, we're going to look at escalation patterns, parenting triggers, and how to help clients consider entrenched positions. We're going to also spend time on parenting plan details that can become recurring sources of conflict, right? Transitions, holidays, communication, information sharing, and decision making. Because we'll work it out can sound perfectly reasonable until two people discover they have very different definitions of it. We're also going to explore how divorce coaches can help clients prepare their priorities and practical concerns for discussions with their attorneys and mediators, developing clearer communication and effective boundaries, and identify changes they can make even when the other parent is not participating. So If you're interested in this course, we're going to meet live on Mondays, November 9th through December 14th from 1 to 2 30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. So that's six classes and nine instructional hours designed for divorce coaches and related to family dispute resolution professionals. This is professional development. It does not convert certification, it's just building on your skills. Right? Our focus is thoughtful, practical application within our professional scope. So if you're interested, please visit DivorceCoaches Academy.com to learn more. If you register before October 26 and use the promotional code GROW, you will receive $100 off the cost of the course. So for today, I want to leave you with one question. What can a parent learn now that will help them approach the next difficult decision more thoughtfully? Whether we are helping a parent before a position hardens or supporting someone who has spent years defending it, there is meaningful work available. We can help them examine what the position protects, what it is doing now, and what might serve them and their children as they move forward. As always, I want to thank you so much for joining me at the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. Until next time.