Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 490. Ten questions to ask yourself if you are unsure about having kids

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490. Ten questions to ask yourself if you are unsure about having kids · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast. Episode after Day.
0:16
Speaker 1: So this episode is one that I've wanted to do
0:19
Speaker 1: for a very long time, and I've had a few
0:21
Speaker 1: requests about it. I've had a lot of questions come
0:23
Speaker 1: through via email. Also, every time I put up a
0:26
Speaker 1: question box, I have at least well, I don't know
0:28
Speaker 1: how many, but quite a few people asking can you
0:30
Speaker 1: please do an episode around how to know if you
0:34
Speaker 1: want to have children? So I have ten questions to
0:37
Speaker 1: ask yourself if you are not sure if you want
0:41
Speaker 1: to have children or not. Okay, this is specifically for
0:44
Speaker 1: people that are legitimately on the fence. This is not
0:46
Speaker 1: for people that have decided they don't want children and
0:49
Speaker 1: want to have you know, some good thoughts to back
0:51
Speaker 1: it up or vice versa. This is if you're genuinely
0:54
Speaker 1: on the fence and you just are not sure. Now,
0:57
Speaker 1: there is a few little disclaims of things there. One
1:01
Speaker 1: of the things that I'm not going to cover is,
1:03
Speaker 1: and the reason I'm specifically mentioning this is people saying,
1:08
Speaker 1: but how can you bring children into this world? How
1:11
Speaker 1: can you bring children into the world if it's such
1:13
Speaker 1: a terrible place. Now the world's gone to share the
1:15
Speaker 1: world's whatever. If you genuinely believe that the world is
1:18
Speaker 1: a terrible place and your child will have a terrible life,
1:22
Speaker 1: then I don't know why it's a question for you.
1:25
Speaker 1: If you think you can give your child a good
1:26
Speaker 1: life and that the world as a whole is not
1:28
Speaker 1: a horrible place, then that's a different story. But I'm
1:31
Speaker 1: not here to tell you to have children. I'm also
1:33
Speaker 1: this episode is not for me to tell you to
1:35
Speaker 1: not have children or for you to have children. It's
1:37
Speaker 1: got nothing to do with that. It's for you to
1:38
Speaker 1: ask yourself questions to give you a bit more clarity. Okay.
1:43
Speaker 1: There will be no answer that I can give you
1:45
Speaker 1: or nothing that I can say that's going to make
1:47
Speaker 1: the decision for you. They are questions where your answers
1:50
Speaker 1: will help you get closer to a decision or just
1:53
Speaker 1: a bit more clarity around the subject. Okay. But I'm
1:56
Speaker 1: not going to talk around the state of the world. Firstly,
1:59
Speaker 1: because everyone is in a different life personal situation. People
2:03
Speaker 1: live in different countries where their experience of life is
2:07
Speaker 1: very different too in another country. The world is also
2:10
Speaker 1: constantly evolving. There's going to be good times and there's
2:12
Speaker 1: going to be really bad times. But I think it
2:15
Speaker 1: just comes down to if you genuinely thought that the
2:17
Speaker 1: world is literally a piece of shit, then why would
2:19
Speaker 1: you want to bring a child into this world? If
2:20
Speaker 1: that was your real belief? Okay, because when you have
2:23
Speaker 1: a child, it's not about just you and your experience
2:27
Speaker 1: as a parent. It's also about that humans experience through
2:30
Speaker 1: their life. So I think that goes without saying. And
2:33
Speaker 1: the reason I say that is a few people have
2:35
Speaker 1: asked me, and I'm not I don't take offense to
2:36
Speaker 1: it because I don't think they're meant to say it
2:38
Speaker 1: in an defensive way. But when I had my kids,
2:42
Speaker 1: a few people did ask me kind of along the lines,
2:45
Speaker 1: not verbatim, but you know, how were you able to
2:48
Speaker 1: bring kids into this world? Or how were you able
2:50
Speaker 1: to feel comfortable bringing kids into this world when it's
2:52
Speaker 1: turned into such a horrible place. Do you think it's
2:56
Speaker 1: a selfish thing? Blah blah blah blah blah. So that's
2:58
Speaker 1: why I did want to make that comment. I'm not
3:00
Speaker 1: going to be delving into that much in this episode.
3:03
Speaker 1: It's more about if you really genuinely are like do
3:05
Speaker 1: I do? I not? I don't know. Okay. Now, the
3:10
Speaker 1: reason I also wanted to cover this is because there's
3:12
Speaker 1: very few decisions in your life that are as permanent
3:16
Speaker 1: as having a child. Very few decisions, if any really
3:20
Speaker 1: even marriage can be turned around. You can get a divorce,
3:24
Speaker 1: you can, but with children, that is like, once you've
3:27
Speaker 1: made that decision, once you've had the children, there is
3:30
Speaker 1: literally no going back. Okay, even if you're an absent parent,
3:33
Speaker 1: you will always be You will always have a child,
3:36
Speaker 1: whether you're going to be there or not, so you
3:38
Speaker 1: best be there, right. You know. There are the major
3:42
Speaker 1: decisions that we make, but none of them are as permanent.
3:45
Speaker 1: So I think that because of this, so many people
3:49
Speaker 1: have this conundrum of I don't know where I stand.
3:53
Speaker 1: And I think that more so than ever, there is
3:56
Speaker 1: a bit of indecisiveness around having children because before or
4:01
Speaker 1: and I don't know exactly when it really started to change,
4:03
Speaker 1: but even decades earlier. Obviously, as we know, it was
4:06
Speaker 1: kind of just a given, whether you're happy about it
4:08
Speaker 1: or not, whether you want it or not, you kind
4:10
Speaker 1: of just have children, and whether you get depression or not,
4:12
Speaker 1: just too bad. So it's sad, that's just the life
4:14
Speaker 1: that you're going to have whether you are maternal or
4:16
Speaker 1: paternal or wanted or whatever. That's just how it is, okay,
4:19
Speaker 1: whereas now there's way more choice around it, and especially
4:21
Speaker 1: for women, where we are way more financially independent and
4:24
Speaker 1: we do, you know, provide one hundred percent for ourselves
4:27
Speaker 1: before we even get into a relationship. It's definitely something
4:30
Speaker 1: that needs to be considered, okay, because the dynamic of
4:33
Speaker 1: our life has evolved massively over the last few decades,
4:37
Speaker 1: more so than men. You know, when you look at
4:38
Speaker 1: what like the norm was as far as you know,
4:42
Speaker 1: parenting and taking on these major responsibilities and things like that.
4:45
Speaker 1: So you're going to be answering so many questions. You're
4:47
Speaker 1: answering questions, yes, about it's not just do I want kids,
4:50
Speaker 1: You're answering questions about your fears, about your relationships, about
4:53
Speaker 1: your personal identity, about the child and their upbringing, about
4:58
Speaker 1: you know, what you can provide for the child. Okay.
5:02
Speaker 1: So also, so much is happening to you and so
5:06
Speaker 1: much that you have to think about that's happening to you.
5:08
Speaker 1: But also there's so many things you've got to think
5:09
Speaker 1: about about this child that you are having. Okay. So,
5:13
Speaker 1: without further ado, let's get into the ten questions, which
5:18
Speaker 1: I'm going to obviously flesh out and talk a little
5:21
Speaker 1: bit more in depth in each question to help you
5:23
Speaker 1: get closer to getting some clarity. Everything is about clarity
5:28
Speaker 1: or getting as close to clarity as possible. Number One,
5:32
Speaker 1: Am I unsure about having kids? Or am I unsure
5:35
Speaker 1: about the life that I will have around the kids?
5:40
Speaker 1: Because you might love children, you might love spending time
5:45
Speaker 1: with children, your nieces, your nephews, your best friend's kids.
5:48
Speaker 1: You've always been maternal or paternal, You've always had this
5:51
Speaker 1: thing in you, like that's definitely literal. But then as
5:55
Speaker 1: you grow up, you start getting all these different responsibilities,
5:58
Speaker 1: you start having, you know, financial pressures, you start having
6:00
Speaker 1: all these things, and you start looking at people and
6:02
Speaker 1: you see a huge array of people with children. There's
6:05
Speaker 1: people that seem to have it kind of relatively put together,
6:09
Speaker 1: and then you see other people who really seem like
6:12
Speaker 1: they're having a really really hard time and things don't
6:15
Speaker 1: seem to like happen easily for them, and it's really
6:18
Speaker 1: fucking painful for them. So you're like, which life is
6:21
Speaker 1: it going to be for me? Right? So it's understanding
6:24
Speaker 1: that those two things aren't the same thing having children,
6:27
Speaker 1: and you know, knowing you know I'm sure about having kids,
6:29
Speaker 1: are unsure about the life around having kids. So it's
6:33
Speaker 1: we're going to look at your relationship dynamic, the division
6:36
Speaker 1: of labor, the financial pressures, the loss of independence. When
6:40
Speaker 1: you separate those two things, the answer is going to
6:42
Speaker 1: become a bit clearer for you because there are going
6:46
Speaker 1: to be certain things that can be changed, you know,
6:48
Speaker 1: whether it be relationship finances. Not saying that it's easy
6:51
Speaker 1: to change, but these things are changeable. Right when you
6:54
Speaker 1: look at what my life looks like with kids, you
6:56
Speaker 1: know where am I going to live? Am I going
6:58
Speaker 1: to live close to support or am I not? Am
7:00
Speaker 1: I going to choose a partner that is actually going
7:03
Speaker 1: to be an actual partner raising this child? Or am
7:06
Speaker 1: I doing it alone? Or will it feel like I'm
7:08
Speaker 1: doing it alone? Am I going to be working? Am
7:10
Speaker 1: I not going to be working? All these factors, you know,
7:12
Speaker 1: can be altered here and there depending on your life situation,
7:16
Speaker 1: but the actual having of the child, that that thing
7:19
Speaker 1: is not something that you can really control and not
7:21
Speaker 1: something you really change once the child is here. Okay,
7:24
Speaker 1: So to really understand the lifestyle around the kids. Are
7:28
Speaker 1: you unsure about that or are you unsure about having
7:30
Speaker 1: the kid? Because if you're like, no, no, no, no,
7:33
Speaker 1: it's actually the lifestyle that's freaking me out. But I always, always,
7:35
Speaker 1: always want to have the kid, then that's something that
7:38
Speaker 1: you can set your sights on and put things into
7:40
Speaker 1: practice to kind of work towards a solution for that. Okay,
7:43
Speaker 1: Because I think that when it comes to having children,
7:46
Speaker 1: if you know deep down for sure you want children,
7:48
Speaker 1: it's really hard to negotiate with yourself on that. You
7:51
Speaker 1: might try and talk yourself out of it from all
7:53
Speaker 1: these other factors that might be making it difficult for you.
7:56
Speaker 1: But if you know deep down, yes, I want children,
7:59
Speaker 1: then that's something that you've to think. Okay, Now, how
8:00
Speaker 1: am I going to set my life up in a
8:02
Speaker 1: way that it's going to be possible for me to
8:05
Speaker 1: have children but also to maintain my happiness and my
8:09
Speaker 1: sanity and my relationships and all of that as well.
8:11
Speaker 1: Question number two, do I want a child or do
8:15
Speaker 1: I want a feeling? Am I kind of in a
8:19
Speaker 1: position in my life where I'm a bit stuck and
8:21
Speaker 1: I'm wanting connection, I'm wanting a sense of purpose I'm
8:25
Speaker 1: wanting family, I'm wanting a meaning, I'm wanting a sense
8:29
Speaker 1: of belonging, or do I also want the day to
8:33
Speaker 1: day reality of raising a child because they are Yes,
8:39
Speaker 1: they're the same thing, but they're also separate. Of course,
8:42
Speaker 1: it's important that you want family you have kids. Yes,
8:45
Speaker 1: obviously you know connection, purpose, meaning, All of these things
8:49
Speaker 1: happen with children, but they can also happen without children.
8:52
Speaker 1: That's what I'm trying to say here, Okay, because everything connection, purpose, family, meaning, belonging,
8:56
Speaker 1: everything I wrote down there, all of that will be
8:59
Speaker 1: experienced when you have children, for sure, but you can
9:02
Speaker 1: experience all those things without children. You can, depending on
9:06
Speaker 1: your life situation. Obviously. What I don't want you thinking
9:09
Speaker 1: is a child is going to solve all these things
9:13
Speaker 1: for me, okay, because if you feel like you don't
9:17
Speaker 1: have a sense of purpose, no family, no meaning in life,
9:20
Speaker 1: no belonging, no connection. I'm going to tell you right now,
9:23
Speaker 1: a child might make might feel a few voids in
9:26
Speaker 1: your life, but it's not going to fill all those voids.
9:28
Speaker 1: If you're not actively working to feel kind of complete
9:32
Speaker 1: in your life. In addition to the children, or separate
9:35
Speaker 1: from the children, you are still going to struggle with children.
9:37
Speaker 1: Because if it was the case that a child would
9:39
Speaker 1: be the thing that answers all your questions, and every
9:42
Speaker 1: single parent out there would be completely fulfilled with no depression,
9:46
Speaker 1: no postpartum depression, no lack of autonomy, no loss of independence,
9:50
Speaker 1: no loss of their sense of self or their identity.
9:53
Speaker 1: They just be flying high cruising. And that is not
9:55
Speaker 1: the fucking case. There's many people out there there, while
9:57
Speaker 1: they adore their children, have a really fucking hard time. Okay,
10:01
Speaker 1: they're two separate things. You can love your children with
10:04
Speaker 1: all your heart, but then your personal experience, off your
10:08
Speaker 1: life existence ends up being a whole lot harder, you know,
10:12
Speaker 1: a whole lot more of a challenge for you. You
10:14
Speaker 1: feel like you're not yourself anymore. There's all these other
10:18
Speaker 1: layered problems that come with that. So you have to
10:21
Speaker 1: ask yourself, what kind of experience do I want as
10:24
Speaker 1: a parent. Is just having the child enough and I'm
10:27
Speaker 1: not gonna worry about anything else, or am I really
10:29
Speaker 1: trying to look at the thing as a bigger picture
10:32
Speaker 1: because I want to maintain this happiness and this autonomy
10:34
Speaker 1: as well. And is that possible for me? And if
10:36
Speaker 1: it's not possible for me, then what's it going to be?
10:39
Speaker 1: Which one am I going to choose? Okay, so when
10:42
Speaker 1: we look at this feeling, we've got to ask ourselves,
10:45
Speaker 1: am I able to also create these feelings for myself
10:49
Speaker 1: alongside having this child? Because you don't want to look
10:52
Speaker 1: at the child and say, well, I had kids expecting
10:54
Speaker 1: for all my answers to be solved, and here I
10:56
Speaker 1: am sitting like I'm sitting here feeling very scared about
11:00
Speaker 1: my future because I'm still very unhappy. Adore my child,
11:03
Speaker 1: but I'm very unhappy personally. Okay, you still have to
11:06
Speaker 1: think where can I work on getting these feelings independent
11:10
Speaker 1: from the child. You also don't want to be putting
11:11
Speaker 1: pressure on the child that they are responsible for your
11:14
Speaker 1: happiness either and everything around that. You know, you're meaning
11:19
Speaker 1: your purpose, you're belonging your everything, because that's all well
11:23
Speaker 1: and good when they're a baby and they don't understand.
11:25
Speaker 1: But if that's how you carry on for the rest
11:26
Speaker 1: of your life, that is putting pressure on this child,
11:29
Speaker 1: teenager adult as they grow up through life. Okay, now
11:32
Speaker 1: when we talk about purpose, before I move on to
11:34
Speaker 1: part three, let's quickly give a rundown on what purposes.
11:38
Speaker 1: I have episodes on finding your purpose, but it's pretty
11:41
Speaker 1: much a strong direction in your life, something like a long, long,
11:44
Speaker 1: long term goal that provides meaning to your life and
11:48
Speaker 1: also a sense of contribution to the world outside of
11:51
Speaker 1: you where you feel useful. Right, So there's like this
11:54
Speaker 1: purpose because you're useful. But it also has to feel
11:57
Speaker 1: fulfeeling and good to you as well. So being a
12:00
Speaker 1: arta doesn't count here. It's not you're doing something like,
12:02
Speaker 1: oh my god, but I get nothing out of it.
12:04
Speaker 1: You've got to get something out of it. Okay, So
12:05
Speaker 1: a purpose has to feel good, but it also has
12:07
Speaker 1: to be a contribution now. And also this is different
12:11
Speaker 1: to meaning because finding meaning in something you don't have
12:15
Speaker 1: to do anything about it. You can find meaning in
12:17
Speaker 1: an experience, in a thing in your life, whereas purpose
12:21
Speaker 1: requires you to get up and take action regularly, consistently,
12:24
Speaker 1: something that you are always working towards where you are
12:27
Speaker 1: reaping the benefits from. So having children can be your purpose,
12:31
Speaker 1: but I suggest that if having children is one of
12:34
Speaker 1: your life purposes, I also suggest that you have another
12:36
Speaker 1: personal purpose as well, okay, because ideally a child will
12:42
Speaker 1: need you less and less. That's the goal right to
12:44
Speaker 1: really create a fully fledged, independent adult, best case scenario
12:47
Speaker 1: that can fend for themselves. And of course they're not
12:49
Speaker 1: always going to come back to you for whatever. But
12:51
Speaker 1: you don't want your child to not be able to
12:54
Speaker 1: have an independent life, right, that's the point. Okay, So
12:57
Speaker 1: as they grow up and become independent adults, you also
13:00
Speaker 1: want to feel like you were always an independent adult,
13:02
Speaker 1: that you're not leaning on your own children to feel
13:05
Speaker 1: good enough, or to feel loved, or to feel satisfied
13:09
Speaker 1: in life. Okay, So I think it's really important that
13:13
Speaker 1: you know you are not looking at your children to
13:15
Speaker 1: validate you as a parent and to validate your existence
13:19
Speaker 1: on this planet. You should be able to validate your
13:22
Speaker 1: own existence on this planet and not put that on
13:24
Speaker 1: your children. Okay. Number three, What part of this is desire?
13:29
Speaker 1: And what part of this decision is fear? Okay, this
13:33
Speaker 1: idea of fear of regret, fear of missing out, missing
13:37
Speaker 1: out on having the experience of children, or fear of
13:39
Speaker 1: missing out on a life that you would have if
13:41
Speaker 1: you didn't have children, fear of being alone. What if
13:45
Speaker 1: I never have kids, and what if because I decide
13:48
Speaker 1: I don't want kids, then I've got to find a
13:49
Speaker 1: partner who agrees with that, and then if I don't,
13:51
Speaker 1: then I'm alone. And then what that's a fear? Fear
13:54
Speaker 1: of running out of time? Am I think? Am I
13:57
Speaker 1: rushing this child thing because I'm looking at myself as
13:59
Speaker 1: a tea time bomb? But do I even want the
14:01
Speaker 1: kids right? Fear of making the wrong choice? This? You know,
14:06
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes this I'm not sure is wisdom. But
14:09
Speaker 1: sometimes it's a lot of fear creeping in and we're
14:12
Speaker 1: not like pausing and thinking, wait a minute, where do
14:14
Speaker 1: I draw the line? Because we could really run ourselves
14:16
Speaker 1: down into the ground. Think of all the things that
14:19
Speaker 1: were scared of. And it's important to be aware of,
14:22
Speaker 1: you know, the good and the bad and weigh everything up.
14:24
Speaker 1: But are you leaning too heavily interfere and is it
14:27
Speaker 1: stopping you from actually just living your life? Because you've
14:30
Speaker 1: got to look at it as for the most part,
14:32
Speaker 1: having children is a biological desire. And some people don't
14:36
Speaker 1: have that desire, obviously, but when you look at every
14:38
Speaker 1: single species on this planet, it is a biological desire
14:41
Speaker 1: to keep the species going. Now, there's always going to
14:44
Speaker 1: be people that don't want kids, and there's going to
14:46
Speaker 1: be people that There was an article that I read.
14:50
Speaker 1: I can't remember which one it was done. I'll see
14:52
Speaker 1: if I can reference it. Look, don't fucking kill me
14:55
Speaker 1: if I don't reference it because I can't remember. But
14:56
Speaker 1: basically it said that out of the people that decided
14:59
Speaker 1: they didn't want children, out of people under the age
15:01
Speaker 1: of fifty that had decided voluntarily that they do not
15:04
Speaker 1: want children, nearly sixty percent of those people didn't want
15:08
Speaker 1: them because they just didn't want them versus other reasons
15:12
Speaker 1: for not wanting children, making a decision that they didn't
15:14
Speaker 1: want them because they couldn't afford it, and if they
15:16
Speaker 1: couldn't afford it, they wouldn't want to bing kids into this
15:18
Speaker 1: world that they didn't want it because of you know,
15:22
Speaker 1: they didn't want to have one on their own. That
15:24
Speaker 1: even though if they were in a relationship, yeah maybe,
15:26
Speaker 1: but if I was doing it on my own, I
15:27
Speaker 1: just don't want that experience for my life. That they
15:30
Speaker 1: didn't want it because of all these other factors. So
15:32
Speaker 1: there was like forty to forty five percent was all
15:36
Speaker 1: these other factors that made them make the decision to
15:38
Speaker 1: voluntarily not have children, versus around fifty five sixty percent
15:43
Speaker 1: who just knew that they didn't want them. This is
15:45
Speaker 1: out of people that had already decided they don't want kids.
15:47
Speaker 1: They'm not talking about the population in general, them saying
15:49
Speaker 1: out of the ones I'd already said they didn't want kids,
15:52
Speaker 1: that was kind of the percentage split. So I feel
15:55
Speaker 1: like that's really interesting to pay attention to. You know,
15:57
Speaker 1: why am I talking myself out of this? Is it
16:00
Speaker 1: because I've actually genuinely thought about it, Like I remember
16:04
Speaker 1: when and this happens with a lot of like when
16:08
Speaker 1: you look at the comparison between women and men when
16:10
Speaker 1: it comes to having kids. Tyrone and I tried to
16:12
Speaker 1: have kids for two years. We're trying to fell pregnant
16:14
Speaker 1: for two years before we felt pregnant. And when I
16:18
Speaker 1: felt pregnant, I was like, yeah, like obviously I was excited,
16:22
Speaker 1: but I was like, Okay, this is the next stage
16:24
Speaker 1: in life whatever. And Tyrone's like, I haven't slept for
16:26
Speaker 1: three days. I haven't slept for three days because I'm
16:27
Speaker 1: thinking about all these responsibilities and all of this and
16:30
Speaker 1: all of that. Lah lah, he goes, aren't you freaking out?
16:33
Speaker 1: And I was like, well no, because and maybe look
16:37
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe it's different for women than it
16:39
Speaker 1: is for men. But because I've thought about being pregnant,
16:43
Speaker 1: having the children, what it would look like, we're trying
16:45
Speaker 1: to feel pregnant for two years, I've really thought about
16:47
Speaker 1: the impact on my body and hormonially in my experience
16:50
Speaker 1: and this and that. I've thought about this for years.
16:53
Speaker 1: I've put myself in the shoes of what it would
16:55
Speaker 1: be like to actually be pregnant and have children for years.
16:57
Speaker 1: So when it actually happened, I didn't have like, oh
16:59
Speaker 1: my fucking oh god, it's fucking happening. Personally. I don't
17:01
Speaker 1: know how everyone else goes, but for me, whereas I
17:04
Speaker 1: think for other people, sometimes it's this actual shock of like,
17:06
Speaker 1: wait a minute, now it's reality. What the fuck does
17:09
Speaker 1: this mean for my life? So I think it is
17:10
Speaker 1: important for you to put yourself in the shoes and think,
17:13
Speaker 1: what part of this is desire and what part of
17:18
Speaker 1: this is fear? Is it healthy fear, which then I
17:21
Speaker 1: will process and then I'm going to enjoy Is it fear?
17:23
Speaker 1: Like no, fuck no, if that happened, I wouldn't be happy,
17:25
Speaker 1: like really start to flesh out where you lie in
17:29
Speaker 1: that Okay, number four, am I deciding for my present
17:34
Speaker 1: self or my past self? Okay? So, for example, there's
17:38
Speaker 1: a lot of people that had a really awful upbringing,
17:41
Speaker 1: really bad relationship with their parents, really unhinged relationship with
17:45
Speaker 1: their entire family as it stands, never we're close with
17:48
Speaker 1: their siblings, and they're really worried that because they don't
17:51
Speaker 1: have a great example of how they'll raise their like
17:54
Speaker 1: based on my past, I don't think it's just not
17:56
Speaker 1: something I want to get into. I just don't want
17:58
Speaker 1: to do it, okay. Or some people have had a
18:01
Speaker 1: really really really great upbringing and they're saying, well, I
18:05
Speaker 1: had such a great upbringing, so it's just you know, well,
18:07
Speaker 1: obviously I'm just going to have kids, Like, but have
18:10
Speaker 1: I thought about do I want it? Or have I
18:11
Speaker 1: thought about is the only reason I want kids? Because
18:14
Speaker 1: I'm just kind of, you know, going along with the motion, right.
18:20
Speaker 1: So I want you to ask yourself, is this a
18:22
Speaker 1: desire of mine or is it a reaction to what
18:24
Speaker 1: I experienced growing up? And can I learn my own lessons?
18:28
Speaker 1: And can I change history? Like can the bucks stop
18:32
Speaker 1: here with me? And do I feel like I've learned enough?
18:35
Speaker 1: And do I think I have a healthy enough relationship
18:37
Speaker 1: with my partner and that we can bring children into
18:39
Speaker 1: this world. And I'm not going to have the fear
18:41
Speaker 1: of history repeating itself. And can I just say, if
18:44
Speaker 1: you are one of those people that have that fear,
18:46
Speaker 1: you're likely not going to repeat history because you have
18:49
Speaker 1: that awareness already. You know what you don't want for
18:52
Speaker 1: your child, you know what you don't want to pass on,
18:54
Speaker 1: and already that awareness is great. One of the key
18:58
Speaker 1: issues with so many pods is just a basic lack
19:01
Speaker 1: of awareness in general. So if you already have that
19:03
Speaker 1: awareness before having children, you're already a step ahead. Number five.
19:08
Speaker 1: Which version of me is answering this question, because it's
19:13
Speaker 1: always going to change. There's going to be the romantic version,
19:16
Speaker 1: when you're feeling so in loving you think, oh my god,
19:18
Speaker 1: I want a child that's a part of you and
19:20
Speaker 1: a part of me, and this and that and so,
19:22
Speaker 1: and it's all like sunshines and rainbows. Then there's the
19:25
Speaker 1: ambitious version, thinking, but my career is everything and this
19:28
Speaker 1: and that, and I look at my life down that
19:30
Speaker 1: lens and whatever, and what would this mean for my
19:31
Speaker 1: career and whatever. Then there's the really independent version, the
19:35
Speaker 1: one that loves to be alone, make decisions for yourself,
19:39
Speaker 1: that you know doesn't want to have to lean on
19:41
Speaker 1: all these other people in order for something to get done.
19:44
Speaker 1: You don't like depending on people, you don't like asking
19:46
Speaker 1: for help that version of yourself. Then there's the people
19:49
Speaker 1: pleasing version. Then there's the tired version. There's all these
19:53
Speaker 1: different versions, and you might be constantly flipping between each one.
19:57
Speaker 1: So different parts of you are going to give you
19:59
Speaker 1: different answers. So which version of you is the one
20:03
Speaker 1: that you want to trust that you the one that
20:05
Speaker 1: you want to kind of move ahead with the answer, Okay,
20:10
Speaker 1: And I guess for you, you've got to think which version
20:13
Speaker 1: of me does overall represents me the best, okay, because
20:17
Speaker 1: the tired version not so much the romantic version aspects
20:22
Speaker 1: of it. Yes, of course. Then there's you know, the
20:25
Speaker 1: independent version. So look at someone like me. I really
20:28
Speaker 1: really really like identify to someone who was really independent
20:35
Speaker 1: to the extent that there were times in my life
20:36
Speaker 1: where I was hyper independent and it was unhealthy, like
20:38
Speaker 1: walls are rejecting people not being vulnerable. But then I
20:41
Speaker 1: became really healthily independent where I could be vulnerable, where
20:44
Speaker 1: I ask for help where I could lean on my
20:46
Speaker 1: partner and all of that. But everything I loved my
20:49
Speaker 1: independence still do. I loved having my alone time. I
20:52
Speaker 1: loved being able to get up and go or travel
20:54
Speaker 1: here or go you know, fly here, or do that,
20:56
Speaker 1: and spend my money on me and not worry about
20:59
Speaker 1: other financial press and all of that. So there was
21:01
Speaker 1: all these things that I loved about my independence, primarily
21:05
Speaker 1: what I did with my time. I also love being alone,
21:08
Speaker 1: so I think that was another part of my independence
21:11
Speaker 1: that I really valued. So when it came to this
21:13
Speaker 1: decision of having kids, because mind you, if you haven't
21:16
Speaker 1: been on this journey with me for a long time,
21:18
Speaker 1: I did not know. For a while, I didn't know
21:21
Speaker 1: if I definitely wanted kids or not. And it was
21:24
Speaker 1: something that you know, I kind of opened up to
21:27
Speaker 1: my partner about and it was for me. This is
21:30
Speaker 1: a hard thing for me. I always said, I can
21:33
Speaker 1: see myself as a parent to older children, like teenagers,
21:37
Speaker 1: young teenagers or ten year olds whatever, and I love
21:40
Speaker 1: like I've got a big family, and I would love
21:42
Speaker 1: to have a big family and all that, but I
21:43
Speaker 1: don't see myself with babies, with toddlers. The day and
21:46
Speaker 1: day out day, and I can't even imagine it. I
21:49
Speaker 1: can't even like, I don't see it in my future.
21:51
Speaker 1: I don't see it. I'm not overly maternal. When I
21:54
Speaker 1: see a newborn, I'm like, that's really cute. I don't
21:56
Speaker 1: want to hold it. I just feel awkward. I'm even
22:00
Speaker 1: unless they're like children in our family. I'm even awkward
22:03
Speaker 1: with toddlers like other people's three year olds. I've just
22:05
Speaker 1: I was just never really that overly maternal, And to
22:08
Speaker 1: this day, I think I am still awkward with other
22:09
Speaker 1: people's kids, Like I think they're cute, but I'm not
22:11
Speaker 1: like one of those people that I was never a
22:13
Speaker 1: natural around kids. So I also had this thing of like,
22:16
Speaker 1: what's what does that mean for me? Like, you know,
22:19
Speaker 1: I'm so independent of this and that I'm not really maternal.
22:21
Speaker 1: What does this mean for me? So I also had,
22:25
Speaker 1: you know, a lot of questions that I had to
22:27
Speaker 1: kind of unravel. And so when it was which version
22:29
Speaker 1: of me is answering this question, I was trying to
22:31
Speaker 1: look at which version of me would also evolve with
22:35
Speaker 1: time and what was a temporary version. Okay, so which
22:40
Speaker 1: one are you going to trust? And why are you
22:42
Speaker 1: going to trust? That version, which one is the most
22:45
Speaker 1: stable version? What parts of you have evolved as you've
22:48
Speaker 1: gotten older. So for me, I've spent you know, more
22:52
Speaker 1: time becoming more vulnerable, more time opening up. I've found
22:55
Speaker 1: it like easier and easier to lean on other people
22:58
Speaker 1: for support and help and things like that, like my
23:01
Speaker 1: closest friends, my partner, my family. So that was something
23:04
Speaker 1: that I also factored in as being really really important. Okay,
23:09
Speaker 1: next one, do I want to parent? Or do I
23:13
Speaker 1: want to reproduce? Okay, this is probably one of the
23:18
Speaker 1: most important questions. This is in my top two most
23:21
Speaker 1: important questions. And this is probably a question mainly for
23:23
Speaker 1: men that it is for women, because men, you know
23:26
Speaker 1: with the whole, like you know, the legacies, your genes,
23:30
Speaker 1: the gene pull, my fucking legacy, You're passing the name down,
23:33
Speaker 1: all that shit. It's all about reproducing, Okay, And there is,
23:37
Speaker 1: Like I said, it is kind of like a biological
23:39
Speaker 1: push that most of us have to reproduce. I understand that,
23:43
Speaker 1: But personally for your own life experience, am I here
23:47
Speaker 1: just to reproduce and I haven't really thought about the
23:48
Speaker 1: ins and outs of parenting? Or do I actually want
23:51
Speaker 1: the experience of parenting. And this is where a lot
23:54
Speaker 1: of people get stuck. They never ask their partner before
23:57
Speaker 1: going into it, do you want to be a parent
24:00
Speaker 1: or do you expect me to do all the parenting
24:02
Speaker 1: and for you to just have kids? Because a lot
24:05
Speaker 1: of people out there just want kids and they want
24:07
Speaker 1: their partner to do all the parenting. They don't even
24:09
Speaker 1: think about They don't even think about that, mind you.
24:11
Speaker 1: They just want kids, but they don't actually even think
24:13
Speaker 1: about the parenting thing because they just presume that the day,
24:17
Speaker 1: day and out will be done by their partner, normally
24:19
Speaker 1: men versus women doing all the shit. Okay, so you've
24:23
Speaker 1: got to really ask yourself do I want to raise
24:26
Speaker 1: a human? Do I want to be guiding a human?
24:28
Speaker 1: Do I want the responsibility of that? And mind you,
24:31
Speaker 1: can I just say there's also so much fucking fun
24:34
Speaker 1: that happens too, because this sounds like a really heavy podcast,
24:39
Speaker 1: but part of parenting, like I've got two seven month
24:43
Speaker 1: old twins, for those of you that don't know it is,
24:47
Speaker 1: has been one of the most enjoyable things I've ever
24:53
Speaker 1: done with my life ever ever, by far, Okay, it
24:56
Speaker 1: has been. It has allowed me while It's given me
24:59
Speaker 1: way more response ability than I've ever had. It's also
25:01
Speaker 1: allowed me to be a kid again. And they're only
25:03
Speaker 1: seven months old, so imagine when they're three. Imagine when
25:06
Speaker 1: they're fine going to have a fucking ball. I'm having
25:07
Speaker 1: a ball. Is there a lot more work? Yes? Is
25:10
Speaker 1: there way more on my plate? Yes? Do I have
25:12
Speaker 1: to have infinitely better at time management? Yes, there's all
25:15
Speaker 1: these other things. But as part as like do I
25:18
Speaker 1: want to be a parent, I actually want to get
25:21
Speaker 1: on the ground with them and roll around and play
25:23
Speaker 1: with them and read books and do this and do that.
25:26
Speaker 1: I'm really enjoying this part of my life. This, you know,
25:29
Speaker 1: when they discover new things, I'm like, this is fucking unreal.
25:33
Speaker 1: I'm now realizing how cool that thing is too. You. So,
25:37
Speaker 1: when I say do I want a parent? It sounds
25:39
Speaker 1: really heavy, like the raising, the responsibility, but also do
25:42
Speaker 1: I want to have that like fun play as well.
25:46
Speaker 1: I've seen reels and stuff of parents being like I
25:51
Speaker 1: don't think it's fun to play with these games, Like yes,
25:54
Speaker 1: I love my child, but oh my god, get me
25:55
Speaker 1: away from this what And I'm like, okay, each to
25:57
Speaker 1: their own, but to me, there's nothing more enjoy mobile
26:00
Speaker 1: then seeing like your kid's face light up when they're
26:02
Speaker 1: finding something fine and exciting. You are their fucking parent.
26:04
Speaker 1: How could that not be so fun? Anyway? That's me personally.
26:10
Speaker 1: But when we talk about this parenting thing, it's all encompassing.
26:14
Speaker 1: Do I want that kind of fun plus the responsibility,
26:17
Speaker 1: plus the guiding plus you know this, I'm also learning.
26:21
Speaker 1: It's the biggest learning curve of my life. So are
26:23
Speaker 1: you ready for that? Do you want that? Or do
26:26
Speaker 1: you just like the idea of my child, my legacy,
26:30
Speaker 1: the name being carried down, all that shit, Okay, because
26:32
Speaker 1: they are not the same experience, not even close. Okay,
26:35
Speaker 1: Next one number seven. When I picture me being a
26:40
Speaker 1: parent having a child, do I see myself disappearing? Who
26:47
Speaker 1: I am, my identity, everyone, everything that I that everyone
26:50
Speaker 1: knows me as vanishing? Do I see myself evolving, keeping
26:54
Speaker 1: parts of like my core self, but things evolving. Do
26:58
Speaker 1: I just see the baby and I kind of the
27:00
Speaker 1: imagine what my life is going to be like? Have
27:02
Speaker 1: I even really thought about what it could look like
27:05
Speaker 1: for me? Because granted, there's many things that are going
27:07
Speaker 1: to happen that you can't prepare for. That you're not
27:09
Speaker 1: actually going to know until that actually happens. But for
27:13
Speaker 1: a lot of women, especially women, the fear isn't the child.
27:17
Speaker 1: It's this loss of identity. It's a loss of freedom,
27:20
Speaker 1: it's a loss of autonomy. It's this becoming a mum
27:23
Speaker 1: and then nothing else around the mum. And you know,
27:26
Speaker 1: I don't want it to be offensive when I say
27:29
Speaker 1: just a mum, but in the sense of like a
27:31
Speaker 1: mum and nothing else. And for a lot of women
27:34
Speaker 1: that is important because for me, of course, being a
27:37
Speaker 1: mum is one of the greatest things in the world.
27:39
Speaker 1: But I'm still me, I'm still my own self, and
27:41
Speaker 1: I think it's important that I put value on things
27:44
Speaker 1: outside of being a mum. We're also not martyrs here.
27:47
Speaker 1: I don't like it when people are like, do it's
27:48
Speaker 1: so just a mom? It's like, you fucking know what
27:50
Speaker 1: I mean? Can't you know what I mean? And I
27:53
Speaker 1: mean that I still was a person before I had kids.
27:55
Speaker 1: Why can't I still be one after? And I think
27:57
Speaker 1: it's important that you face those feelings and you call
28:01
Speaker 1: it for what it is, because I had those feelings too,
28:03
Speaker 1: and I think it's really really like valid for you
28:09
Speaker 1: to say that outside of being a mum. I also
28:12
Speaker 1: want to be other things. And the way I look
28:14
Speaker 1: at it is when you have a child, or when
28:16
Speaker 1: you look at someone having a child, or when you
28:18
Speaker 1: imagine yourself having a child, you don't look at them
28:21
Speaker 1: thinking all right, when are you going to be a
28:22
Speaker 1: parent next? When is your identity no longer going to
28:25
Speaker 1: be important? And when are you going to procreate? You
28:27
Speaker 1: don't right, you think I want the best life for them.
28:30
Speaker 1: I want this for them. I want them to have
28:31
Speaker 1: experiences and just you know, be happy and find love
28:35
Speaker 1: and you know, like learn things and have a really
28:40
Speaker 1: fulfilled life. You're not thinking, okay, when will it stop
28:42
Speaker 1: for you? And pump out a child? Now? Quick, pump
28:44
Speaker 1: out a child? You know where their identity is just
28:46
Speaker 1: about being a parent. So I think this push pull
28:49
Speaker 1: of what is my identity? Is it just going to
28:52
Speaker 1: be parenting and nothing else. It's really important to look
28:56
Speaker 1: at that and ask yourself, why do I think this
28:59
Speaker 1: is going to happen to me? If the reason you
29:01
Speaker 1: are not having a child is because you see yourself disappearing,
29:05
Speaker 1: ask yourself, why do I see myself disappearing? Is it
29:09
Speaker 1: because everyone around me who has children has had that experience.
29:14
Speaker 1: Is it because I know that I'll be doing it alone?
29:18
Speaker 1: And how else am I not going to disappear? Because
29:20
Speaker 1: my entire life is now going to be based around
29:22
Speaker 1: to this child and I have no fucking help or support?
29:26
Speaker 1: Why do you feel like this is going to happen? Okay?
29:31
Speaker 1: And I want you to really pay attention to Okay. So,
29:36
Speaker 1: for example, I've got a really good friend of mine.
29:39
Speaker 1: She lives in Sydney, and she was always conflicted about
29:42
Speaker 1: having kids as well, always had this conflicting feeling. And
29:46
Speaker 1: she's not from Sydney originally. When she goes back to
29:48
Speaker 1: her hometown, all her friends from her hometown have this
29:52
Speaker 1: loss of identity, really difficult lives with the children and
29:57
Speaker 1: not much support from their partners, and it's really intense, Okay,
30:00
Speaker 1: And their life is completely completely a life that she's like,
30:03
Speaker 1: I don't want that for myself. She's a very independent woman,
30:06
Speaker 1: she's all She's like, I don't want that for myself.
30:08
Speaker 1: But the friends that we have in Sydney, all of
30:11
Speaker 1: us happen to have, well not all of us, but
30:14
Speaker 1: a bunch of us have kids, and we have a
30:16
Speaker 1: lot of balance in our life, right we haven't lost
30:19
Speaker 1: our identity. We never went through that loss of our
30:22
Speaker 1: sense of self, you know, and why is that? So
30:26
Speaker 1: she's kind of looking at both scenarios and thinking, here's
30:29
Speaker 1: a group of friends that I don't want that experience
30:31
Speaker 1: for myself. Here's a group of friends where I can
30:34
Speaker 1: see myself having this experience. I can see myself having
30:36
Speaker 1: kids if it is similar to this experience. Now, I've
30:40
Speaker 1: not done the stats. I'm not I don't know exactly,
30:43
Speaker 1: but one thing that I've noticed, and this is anecdotal,
30:47
Speaker 1: to be fair, I've not done the research, but anecdotally,
30:50
Speaker 1: one of the things that seems to be a pretty
30:53
Speaker 1: fucking constant is who you have kids with the partner,
30:56
Speaker 1: and how much of a partner they actually are in
30:58
Speaker 1: parenting and what are you doing that's fulfilling to yourself,
31:03
Speaker 1: whether that be career or something else that's also fulfilling
31:07
Speaker 1: outside of the mother motherhood. Because in this particular anecdote
31:13
Speaker 1: that I'm sharing with you that's not backed by stats,
31:15
Speaker 1: mind you, the Sydney group have unbelievable partners that really
31:21
Speaker 1: want to be dads, like really want to be dads,
31:23
Speaker 1: and they are partners in this game of parenting, and
31:28
Speaker 1: we all work a job that we love. All of
31:31
Speaker 1: us love it. Okay, we love what we do and
31:33
Speaker 1: we're like, we're driven by it, we're inspired, whatever. So
31:36
Speaker 1: we've got that nice balance, so whereas the other group
31:40
Speaker 1: is the opposite. So I think that that definitely comes
31:43
Speaker 1: into play. I'm not saying that if you have a
31:45
Speaker 1: partner that's there one hundred percent and you've got a
31:47
Speaker 1: job that you love, it's all sorted, it's all well
31:50
Speaker 1: and good, that it's all fucking going to happen for you.
31:52
Speaker 1: You're gonna be happy. You're not going to lose your identity.
31:53
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that because I'm sure that other things
31:55
Speaker 1: come into play with that, but it's something to consider.
31:59
Speaker 1: So think about that. Number eight. Am I trying to
32:03
Speaker 1: answer a permanent question with an unsure relationship? This is
32:07
Speaker 1: the biggest one, you know, when I said the top
32:09
Speaker 1: two most important one, this is the most important one.
32:11
Speaker 1: Okay by far the most important one, because I think
32:16
Speaker 1: the person you choose to have a relationship with in
32:18
Speaker 1: your life, the person you choose as your life partner, is,
32:23
Speaker 1: along with having kids, the most important decision you're ever
32:26
Speaker 1: going to make, if not more important because if you're
32:28
Speaker 1: going to have kids with this person, they can make
32:32
Speaker 1: or break how you experience that thing. Okay, So, if
32:36
Speaker 1: you are with someone and you're kind of unsure deep
32:41
Speaker 1: down about the parenting experience and having a child because
32:45
Speaker 1: of this person in your life, because of this partner
32:48
Speaker 1: that you're with, you maybe need to pivot all those
32:51
Speaker 1: questions and be like, is this partner the right person
32:54
Speaker 1: versus do I want children? Because you might deep down
32:56
Speaker 1: want children, but your partner is just not it and
33:00
Speaker 1: you're scared to leave them, and so then you're making
33:02
Speaker 1: this conundrum about do I actually want kids or a
33:04
Speaker 1: when in reality it's like do I want this person
33:07
Speaker 1: to raise kids with or not? Okay? So, and this
33:14
Speaker 1: is where research does come up. It shows that supportive partners,
33:18
Speaker 1: a fair division of labor, and emotional stability will dramatically
33:22
Speaker 1: change the parenting experience for the mother. Okay, dramatically from
33:28
Speaker 1: when we talk about postpartum depression, when we talk about
33:30
Speaker 1: the loss of identity. Having these things does change the
33:34
Speaker 1: parenting experience. So I think it's really important that you
33:38
Speaker 1: sit down with this person and have a really hard
33:40
Speaker 1: conversation before you have kids. Well, obviously, if you're listening
33:43
Speaker 1: to this episode, you don't have kids, and you ask
33:47
Speaker 1: these difficult questions. Okay, you've got to get a good
33:50
Speaker 1: gauge about how they feel about having kids, procreating versus
33:53
Speaker 1: actually parenting. You want to say, what do you see
33:57
Speaker 1: changing in your life when we have kids or if
34:00
Speaker 1: we have kids? What do you see as far as
34:03
Speaker 1: parental leave? What do you see when the leave is finished?
34:07
Speaker 1: What do you see as responsibilities around the household? What
34:10
Speaker 1: do you see when it comes to you know, all
34:12
Speaker 1: these different things? How will we support each other? How
34:14
Speaker 1: will you support me when I'm pregnant? How will all
34:18
Speaker 1: these questions need to be asked? And if you're sitting
34:20
Speaker 1: here thinking, up, I could never have that conversation with
34:22
Speaker 1: my partner, can you imagine, then there's your answer. Right
34:26
Speaker 1: If you are already thinking, oh my god, like I
34:29
Speaker 1: just know that my partner wouldn't I just know? Then
34:31
Speaker 1: there's your answer. You are trying to make a really
34:35
Speaker 1: big life decision with someone that's not going to show
34:38
Speaker 1: up to the party. And some people say, you know what,
34:42
Speaker 1: I would have kids regardless, because for me that is
34:46
Speaker 1: the be all end all. But those people are not
34:47
Speaker 1: listening to this episode because if you're someone that's like, no,
34:50
Speaker 1: kids are the be all end all for me. They
34:52
Speaker 1: are the fucking bell end all, no matter if I
34:53
Speaker 1: do it alone, no matter if I do it, then
34:55
Speaker 1: you are not listening to this fucking episode this episode.
34:57
Speaker 1: You are listening to this episode because you're unsure. And
35:00
Speaker 1: I can tell you right now if you're unsure, you
35:01
Speaker 1: need to really think long and hard. Would I be
35:04
Speaker 1: willing to do this alone? Because when you have a
35:07
Speaker 1: partner that's a fuck wit who doesn't show up, who
35:10
Speaker 1: just wants to pro create, who's like, no, well, I
35:12
Speaker 1: went to work and you fucking do this, or where
35:15
Speaker 1: you both go to work and they just presume that
35:16
Speaker 1: you take on those responsibilities, then you have to realize
35:21
Speaker 1: that you're going to be parenting more than one person.
35:24
Speaker 1: You probably are better off just being completely single without
35:27
Speaker 1: that partner in your life, Okay, so you don't have
35:29
Speaker 1: to take care of their bullshit as well. So that's
35:32
Speaker 1: something that is probably one of the most important questions
35:36
Speaker 1: out of these ten questions. Is your partner going to
35:39
Speaker 1: be a willing parent? So I did this episode when
35:43
Speaker 1: I first found out that I was pregnant, and I
35:45
Speaker 1: spoke about how I really thought about, you know, my
35:48
Speaker 1: partner and tyrone and this and that, how he would
35:50
Speaker 1: be a good parent in all of this, and this
35:52
Speaker 1: is why I chose to have children, because I found
35:54
Speaker 1: the person that want to have kids with. If it
35:56
Speaker 1: wasn't for him, I literally would not be able to
35:58
Speaker 1: have kids on my own. And that was the decision
35:59
Speaker 1: that had made blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
36:01
Speaker 1: And I did have many people saying to me, good luck,
36:04
Speaker 1: You're gonna have a root awakening, like literally dming me,
36:07
Speaker 1: I am not joking, dming me, and commenting on the
36:10
Speaker 1: social videos that we put up on the podcast page
36:13
Speaker 1: that we took from that episode, saying it ends up
36:15
Speaker 1: being the woman doing ninety five percent of the work,
36:18
Speaker 1: like good luck, ha ha ha ha ha. And I
36:20
Speaker 1: just kind of want to say, well, firstly, you can't
36:22
Speaker 1: can all eat your words eat them now, because I
36:25
Speaker 1: was right. I do have a great partner. And secondly,
36:29
Speaker 1: if you are of that belief that and you are like, like,
36:33
Speaker 1: you know, feeling scorned towards me for making a statement
36:36
Speaker 1: like that even before the children come along, that I've
36:39
Speaker 1: picked the right partner that's whatever, that I'm being delusional.
36:43
Speaker 1: If you feel that way, then maybe you yourself never
36:46
Speaker 1: asked these questions from your partner, or maybe, like I
36:49
Speaker 1: just find it difficult to imagine a world where you
36:53
Speaker 1: could have a partner that displays all these qualities, someone
36:56
Speaker 1: that actually wants to be a parent, not just pro create,
36:59
Speaker 1: but then all of a sudden, when the kids roll around,
37:01
Speaker 1: they just flip a switch and change. I genuinely believe
37:04
Speaker 1: that some of us don't pause and think, is this
37:07
Speaker 1: the right person to have kids with? Am I actually
37:09
Speaker 1: having kids with someone who can meet me here as
37:12
Speaker 1: a parent. Because people sometimes don't want to ask the
37:16
Speaker 1: hard questions. They don't want to ask questions that they
37:18
Speaker 1: don't want to hear the answer to, and for a
37:20
Speaker 1: lot of people, they end up having kids with someone
37:23
Speaker 1: who's not an adequate partner and they didn't even want
37:25
Speaker 1: to face it beforehand, and then they're like, well, yep,
37:28
Speaker 1: of course it's all on me. Now, they're not even
37:30
Speaker 1: helping out. It's all on me, whereas that wasn't the
37:32
Speaker 1: case for me. I did ask the hard questions, and
37:34
Speaker 1: I did genuinely think, well, if he's not going to
37:36
Speaker 1: be the right partner, then I will have to forego
37:38
Speaker 1: having children. Okay, for me personally, that was my decision,
37:42
Speaker 1: and of course because he wants to be a parent.
37:46
Speaker 1: It's just been amazing, Like why would I be with
37:49
Speaker 1: someone who's such a like a caring man to me,
37:53
Speaker 1: so caring, so caring to his family, so caring to
37:56
Speaker 1: my family, to a stranger on the street, the biggest,
38:00
Speaker 1: the most generous man, but all of a sudden, when
38:03
Speaker 1: he has kids, none of that towards his children. They
38:05
Speaker 1: wouldn't make sense, right, Like are you just You've got
38:07
Speaker 1: to learn to read someone's character and understand where their
38:11
Speaker 1: motivations are. And when you understand someone's true character and
38:14
Speaker 1: true motivations towards wanting kids or a family or this
38:17
Speaker 1: or that, then it's going to be easier for you
38:19
Speaker 1: to make the decision if you want to have kids
38:20
Speaker 1: with that person or not, or just not have kids
38:23
Speaker 1: at all and stay with that person. Up to you.
38:24
Speaker 1: But that is the biggest one you're going to make. Okay,
38:30
Speaker 1: Number nine, I keep hitting this lamp. If you're watching
38:33
Speaker 1: the video, I've hit this lamp with my bun like
38:34
Speaker 1: forty five thousand times. Number nine, what would need to
38:38
Speaker 1: be true for this to feel like a yes. So
38:41
Speaker 1: instead of saying do I want kids, ask yourself what
38:45
Speaker 1: conditions would make this feel safe, supportive and desirable? So
38:52
Speaker 1: physical support systems around you? What would that look like
38:55
Speaker 1: your partner, Number one, I use your family nearby? Does
38:59
Speaker 1: your family want to be involved with helping, like grandparents,
39:02
Speaker 1: Are they keen, do they want to be involved? Are
39:04
Speaker 1: they even close? Are they far away? What would that
39:06
Speaker 1: look like? What's that dynamic? Is it possible, aunties, uncles,
39:09
Speaker 1: all of that. Is that something you can lean on
39:11
Speaker 1: or is it something that they're just come and visit
39:12
Speaker 1: and not really? Okay? So for me, Tyrone and I
39:15
Speaker 1: have help from both our parents. Okay, so that's something
39:20
Speaker 1: that I also looked into when having kids. I'm like,
39:22
Speaker 1: I know that they'll be well supported in the family. Okay, Finances,
39:26
Speaker 1: you have to look at your finances. You've got to
39:28
Speaker 1: look at obviously, like I said, your partner, you also
39:31
Speaker 1: have to look at your lifestyle. Are there parts of
39:33
Speaker 1: my life that I really really want to keep? Like
39:36
Speaker 1: in my lifestyle, it could be you know, the gym
39:39
Speaker 1: that I go to, the class that I go to,
39:40
Speaker 1: or like this weekly dinner that I have with my
39:42
Speaker 1: friends that it's just I fucking love and it's non negotiable.
39:45
Speaker 1: And talk to your partner about these things, just say,
39:47
Speaker 1: you know, in order to maintain a bit of normality,
39:49
Speaker 1: these are the things that I want. Another thing is
39:51
Speaker 1: that am I going to move? Am my planning to
39:54
Speaker 1: move away from all my emotional support system when I
39:57
Speaker 1: have kids? And what would that look like? Because we
40:00
Speaker 1: have to think about it. I might have a bigger home,
40:02
Speaker 1: but would that mean all like my friendship, everything going
40:05
Speaker 1: like suffering? Like? What is this going to look like?
40:08
Speaker 1: What do I need to be supported? Because your social
40:11
Speaker 1: circles are everything when it comes to your mental health,
40:14
Speaker 1: your family, the people around you. If you can have
40:16
Speaker 1: the nearby, that's also important. You've got to weigh it up.
40:18
Speaker 1: Do I move away from my friends to be in
40:20
Speaker 1: my family vice versa? What is it going to look like?
40:23
Speaker 1: What would I need for me to feel safe, supported
40:26
Speaker 1: and desirable financially? How am I set up? Okay, think
40:30
Speaker 1: about that. I can't answer that question because there's you know,
40:33
Speaker 1: I don't know who's listening right now. But sometimes the
40:36
Speaker 1: answer isn't no, I don't want kids. Sometimes the answer
40:39
Speaker 1: is I don't want kids like this, how my situation
40:42
Speaker 1: is set up right now. However, if these couple of
40:45
Speaker 1: things were to change, maybe my answer would be different.
40:48
Speaker 1: Maybe if I'd really felt supported and if my life
40:52
Speaker 1: looked desirable because I felt safe and supported and I
40:55
Speaker 1: still had these things that I could lean on for
40:57
Speaker 1: my mental health normal, like my weekly dinner with my
41:01
Speaker 1: friends or whatever, then maybe you know, it would feel like, yeah,
41:06
Speaker 1: if that was the case, then yes, I would have kids,
41:08
Speaker 1: and then you can focus on those things like my
41:10
Speaker 1: Tuesday night cooking with my cousin Josell literally continued when
41:14
Speaker 1: the babies were like nine days old, like literally, she
41:18
Speaker 1: just came over and we made like a ten minute meal.
41:20
Speaker 1: We just kept doing it. And these little things that
41:22
Speaker 1: maintain that normality. And I'm talking about like just cooking
41:25
Speaker 1: something at home, or you know, maybe you have this
41:28
Speaker 1: tradition where your best friend comes over and you do
41:31
Speaker 1: whatever it is. But keep things that are all so
41:33
Speaker 1: good for you as well, and think, wait a minute,
41:35
Speaker 1: all these things that I have in my life I
41:37
Speaker 1: could still keep with kids, There's going to be things
41:39
Speaker 1: that you can't keep, or things that temporarily have to
41:41
Speaker 1: go away, or things that temporarily have to look different
41:44
Speaker 1: for you know, maybe six months or a couple of years,
41:47
Speaker 1: depending on what it is. But then there's going to
41:49
Speaker 1: be many things that you still can keep, so you
41:50
Speaker 1: don't want to say everything going to be tied upside down.
41:53
Speaker 1: Try and keep that normality in your life wherever possible,
41:56
Speaker 1: and look at when normality could be kept versus where
41:59
Speaker 1: it would be unrealistic for it to be kept. And
42:01
Speaker 1: that's going to help you kind of flesh out like
42:03
Speaker 1: a really nice reality for you if that's what you want.
42:07
Speaker 1: Or you might realize I'm not willing to forego all
42:10
Speaker 1: these things, or I don't have a setup where I
42:12
Speaker 1: could feel safe, supported and this life be desirable. It's
42:16
Speaker 1: just not possible. So the answer is no, because I
42:18
Speaker 1: wouldn't feel those things no matter what last one, number ten,
42:23
Speaker 1: if no one expected anything from me, what would I choose?
42:27
Speaker 1: No timelines, no pressure, no opinions, no nothing, No you're
42:31
Speaker 1: gonna regret it, none of that shit. What would your
42:34
Speaker 1: answer be? Okay, And you don't have to discuss this
42:37
Speaker 1: with anyone. It's just something that sits with you because
42:40
Speaker 1: this idea, if you're going to regret it, you're not
42:42
Speaker 1: going to regret it. I don't like, you know, when
42:49
Speaker 1: it's such a major decision where there's so many hard
42:52
Speaker 1: things to think about, I don't think that's something that
42:55
Speaker 1: we can really focus on regretting or not regretting. I
42:57
Speaker 1: think it's unfair to put regret on something when you
43:01
Speaker 1: are so stuck between all these really conflicting but very
43:05
Speaker 1: valid points. I think regret is more useful when you
43:09
Speaker 1: were like, oh, I really should do that thing, but
43:11
Speaker 1: then you didn't do it, and then you look back
43:13
Speaker 1: being like, I fucking knew I should have done that.
43:15
Speaker 1: Now I'm not fucking doing it, and now I regret
43:17
Speaker 1: it because I knew I should have done that. This
43:18
Speaker 1: is different. So I don't think it's fair to be like,
43:20
Speaker 1: you're going to regret this later, not like I would. Firstly,
43:23
Speaker 1: I'm the last person in the world that ever would
43:25
Speaker 1: say that to someone. But when other people say that,
43:27
Speaker 1: it's so uneducated, like, can't fuck off firstly and grow
43:34
Speaker 1: a brain. Secondly, because why would you say that to
43:38
Speaker 1: someone who was going through a really really important decision
43:41
Speaker 1: in your life. Now, if someone's saying that to someone
43:43
Speaker 1: that actually already decided that they don't want kids, and
43:45
Speaker 1: they're sitting comfortable with that decision. Again, why do you
43:47
Speaker 1: think they're going to regret it? Okay? People don't like
43:51
Speaker 1: people project. They project their bullshit all the time. Okay,
43:54
Speaker 1: but I don't think that. You know, if someone says
43:57
Speaker 1: you will regret it, you're you know, I wouldn't wait
44:00
Speaker 1: too heavily on that. That's something that I would dismiss
44:04
Speaker 1: because you also don't want to make a huge life
44:06
Speaker 1: decision just because some fuck win on the corner told
44:10
Speaker 1: you that you're going to regret it. That's the worst
44:11
Speaker 1: reason to make a decision. You're going to make a
44:13
Speaker 1: decision based on your life situation, your relationships around you,
44:17
Speaker 1: your support system around you, your true desires, your identity
44:21
Speaker 1: around yourself, what you see for your life, what you
44:24
Speaker 1: want for your life personally as well as for the
44:26
Speaker 1: life of your children, and the life that you could
44:27
Speaker 1: give to your potential child or not. Okay, So those
44:32
Speaker 1: are the ten questions basically, but pretty much in a nutshell,
44:39
Speaker 1: A lot of the research supports that parental happiness really
44:44
Speaker 1: depends on relationship quality and overall support around you. Okay, So,
44:50
Speaker 1: especially in the early stages where where there's a lot
44:53
Speaker 1: of like a lot of your time is spent with
44:56
Speaker 1: the child, looking after the child, looking after their every
44:59
Speaker 1: single need, so that you know, the relationship with the
45:03
Speaker 1: co parent number one, and how much like you're both
45:06
Speaker 1: pulling your weight that is massive. And then what kind
45:09
Speaker 1: of support do you have around you? Is it daycare
45:12
Speaker 1: or family support, or like what kind of financial support
45:15
Speaker 1: or social support? What does that support look like? And
45:18
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be people coming and taking care
45:21
Speaker 1: of the children, like I said, it could be you
45:23
Speaker 1: spending time with your friends and having like that time
45:25
Speaker 1: where you can like be your old self again, you know,
45:29
Speaker 1: and or not even I don't even like calling it
45:30
Speaker 1: your old self, but just be who you are normally
45:33
Speaker 1: around your friends where it doesn't always have to be
45:35
Speaker 1: around talking about children or talking about babies or whatever.
45:37
Speaker 1: So you've got that like nice normality that flows through
45:40
Speaker 1: this major life transition in your life. What does that
45:42
Speaker 1: support look like? And that really helps happiness in parents. Okay,
45:47
Speaker 1: Another thing that's really important is that the transition to
45:50
Speaker 1: parenthood also does decrease relationships satisfaction initially, and I think
45:54
Speaker 1: that might come down to a lack of communication before
45:57
Speaker 1: the children are born and knowing how you're going to
45:59
Speaker 1: support each other, and knowing how much input each person
46:03
Speaker 1: is going to give, because in general, a lot of
46:04
Speaker 1: people always overestimate how much they contribute in the household.
46:09
Speaker 1: So I think it's really important to discuss with your
46:11
Speaker 1: partner what does contribution look like to you and what
46:13
Speaker 1: would you think I would do, and vice versa, and
46:16
Speaker 1: discuss that, because then it really comes out when you
46:18
Speaker 1: really discuss whose role is what. Okay, but yeah, obviously
46:24
Speaker 1: if you have really strong partner support, you're going to
46:26
Speaker 1: have lower stress, better bonding, better well being, and your
46:29
Speaker 1: relationship is not going to suffer nowhere near as much. Okay. Yeah,
46:34
Speaker 1: So in closing, I think I have not been able
46:40
Speaker 1: to give you an answer, but hopefully I've been able
46:42
Speaker 1: to give you things to ponder, to think about, to
46:45
Speaker 1: like lean closely into and know that there's no version
46:49
Speaker 1: of this decision that doesn't come with the loss of something. Okay,
46:52
Speaker 1: there's the loss of the potential life you could have
46:54
Speaker 1: had as an independent individual and who's like fucking floating
46:58
Speaker 1: around the world making decisions for yourself an epic fucking epic, right,
47:04
Speaker 1: or the loss of the potential like child or children
47:09
Speaker 1: or families that you could have had. Okay, and as
47:10
Speaker 1: I'm saying this, you can hear my children going in
47:13
Speaker 1: the background love them so much like I actually do. Well.
47:17
Speaker 1: So the goal isn't to find the option where there
47:19
Speaker 1: is no loss, is basically what I'm saying. It's to
47:22
Speaker 1: decide which life is going to feel like I am aligned,
47:27
Speaker 1: I am you know it's the right thing for me,
47:29
Speaker 1: and also a life where I feel like I can
47:32
Speaker 1: actually give a good life to this child. Okay, it's
47:35
Speaker 1: not about am I being selfish? What's selfish? What's selfless?
47:38
Speaker 1: What's this? What's that? I don't like this idea of
47:40
Speaker 1: calling people without children selfish or people with children selfish?
47:43
Speaker 1: I think that's fucking bullshit. I think we all have
47:46
Speaker 1: to live our life according to what is going to
47:48
Speaker 1: be the best decision. All right, Cool. I really hope
47:52
Speaker 1: that that helped. I really hope that this has you know,
47:55
Speaker 1: share this fucking listen to this episode with your friends
47:58
Speaker 1: and kind of discuss the idea years around it and
48:00
Speaker 1: hopefully you can. Yeah, you can just feel find a
48:03
Speaker 1: little bit more clarity in this. Yeah, and let me
48:06
Speaker 1: know comment below, let me know if there's another few
48:09
Speaker 1: questions that you would like to add to it, and
48:10
Speaker 1: maybe I'll do a part two, or I can do
48:12
Speaker 1: a part two on my socials or whatever. If there's
48:14
Speaker 1: any other really cool questions that maybe I haven't even
48:16
Speaker 1: thought about that you could share with the community, I
48:19
Speaker 1: would love that as well. Maybe you've had kids and
48:21
Speaker 1: you're listening to this episode just for vibes because you
48:23
Speaker 1: love my podcast so much, and you're thinking, well, I
48:26
Speaker 1: actually thought of this really great question that I asked
48:28
Speaker 1: myself and she hasn't said it, so I'm going to
48:29
Speaker 1: put it here. I would really appreciate that. Cool guys,
48:33
Speaker 1: love you so much, thanks for tuning in, and that
48:36
Speaker 1: is all for today. Also, we did a vote on
48:39
Speaker 1: last Monday's episode about the Neuroscience off like breaking habit
48:42
Speaker 1: and making a habit, and yeah, it seems like you
48:44
Speaker 1: guys definitely do want that one in the one coming up,
48:47
Speaker 1: so we'll be doing that. That is all for today, guys,
48:50
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. As always, remember behind yourself, we
48:52
Speaker 1: count to your brand. Don't text it from anyone, and
48:55
Speaker 1: especially don't text shit from yourself. Dunk