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S2E43 - My Child Hits Himself and Says He's Bad—What Do I Do? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Whitney.
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  And this is about
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  her son
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  saying pretty negative self-defeating statements
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  and how to handle it,
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  and this is something that we see a lot at our practice,
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  definitely something that many kids commonly do,
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  so I'm glad that you emailed Whitney,
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  thank you for that
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  and we'll read parts of the email and dive in together.
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  We have been using child-centered play therapy parenting with our three boys,
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  6, 4,
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  and 2,
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  and our 6-year old was in play therapy for about
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  6 months with major improvements in managing his emotions.
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  Let me pause there.
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  Whitney,
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  I'm so glad that you were able to find a child-centered play therapist.
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  I'm so happy to hear that you saw the progress you were hoping for,
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  and play therapy really does support kids in a special way.
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  So I'm really encouraged by that
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  continuing.
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  Lately we've noticed our oldest has been getting down on himself,
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  saying negative things about himself,
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  and gently hitting himself when he makes a mistake.
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  For example,
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  he lost a toy he loved.
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  We were looking for it,
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  and he kept saying,
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  I'm so stupid.
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  I'm bad.
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  Why did I do that?
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  And then hitting himself on the shoulder,
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  and he slapped himself on the face.
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  I told him you're disappointed you lost your toy,
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  but you are not for hitting.
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  What do we do?
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  I tried to I try to encourage him all the time.
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  And then in parentheses,
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  also,
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  I would love more suggestions on encouragement because I feel
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  like we use the phrases you tried so hard,
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  you didn't give up and you're so proud of yourself over and over.
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  But I'd love more ideas.
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  I'll,
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  I'll circle back to that,
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  Whitney.
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  I want him to have a high self-esteem and it breaks our hearts to see him like this.
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  OK,
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  so
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  let's dive into
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  what's going on,
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  why,
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  and then
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  how we can adjust in our interactions.
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  So first and foremost,
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  if a child has low self-esteem,
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  low frustration tolerance,
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  and high anxiety,
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  that is typically the trifecta
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  that creates
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  phrases like this in kids.
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  And here's what's going on when you don't have a strong self concept.
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  When you don't handle things
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  in a regulated way.
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  And when
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  everything
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  upsets you because of your
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  consistent anxiety levels.
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  You end up
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  internalizing things as
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  you are bad,
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  you are wrong,
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  you are a failure,
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  rather than,
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  oh,
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  I lost this toy.
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  Oh,
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  I made a mistake.
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  Oh,
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  I made a choice that I wish I wouldn't have.
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  So essentially the message that gets internalized is different than
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  what it should be,
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  but it's because of those three undercurrent issues.
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  So if we can recognize that that is at the root,
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  we then understand that it's just maladaptive coping.
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  So it's not an issue independently,
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  Whitney.
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  It's not that he is saying negative things
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  and that's the issue.
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  The negative things are just a representation
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  of what's going on for him internally.
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  So we have to understand what's going on first.
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  And secondly,
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  this is actually very normal.
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  When kids
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  do not
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  feel that they can trust themselves,
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  when they do not
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  value and accept themselves.
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  They will naturally feel like they should punish themselves.
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  Now,
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  let's kind of unpack that for a second.
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  Often,
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  kids will punish themselves because they feel like they deserve it.
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  They're so hard on themselves
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  that
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  I know that I screwed up,
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  so I'm going to punish myself.
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  They think that that's retribution,
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  even though it's not.
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  It doesn't solve or fix anything.
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  But again,
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  kids aren't rational.
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  So we know,
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  I mean,
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  your son is 6,
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  Whitney,
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  so
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  he's so far away from rational thought and abstract reasoning.
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  He's got a very long way to go,
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  more than twice what he is now.
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  So it's just a natural byproduct
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  of I screwed up and I should be punished.
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  So they will sometimes hit themselves,
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  smack themselves,
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  pinch themselves,
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  bite themselves,
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  things like that.
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  Also common behavior.
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  We also recognize that that behavior
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  is sometimes rooted in,
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  well,
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  if I punish myself first,
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  then no one else will.
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  So sometimes it's avoidant and fear-based.
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  If I punish myself,
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  maybe I won't get in trouble
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  by someone who could actually get me in trouble,
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  you know,
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  teacher,
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  parent,
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  caregiver,
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  authority figure,
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  whomever.
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  So that's another potential cause.
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  Keep in mind that when children say things and do things
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  they don't have an emotional context for it.
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  It is just their way of showing other people in the world how badly they feel.
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  That's,
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  that's all that it boils down to.
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  So when kids say I hate myself,
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  I hate my life,
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  I wish I was never born,
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  those are phrases that are really alarming.
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  When kids hit themselves,
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  smack themselves,
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  bite themselves,
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  say I'm so stupid,
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  I'm so dumb,
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  I'm an idiot.
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  Those are also alarming,
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  but they don't have the emotional context that we do for those things.
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  They're basically saying,
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  I hate this feeling and I don't know what to do about it.
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  And I've done other podcasts on when kids say crazy alarming things.
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  So if that resonates with you,
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  please go back and search for that episode.
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  The point is,
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  when he's saying and doing these things,
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  it's not really what it seems.
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  That's just representation of,
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  I hate this,
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  I want to escape this,
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  and I'm trying to solve the problem.
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  And it's
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  maladaptive and it's disregulated,
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  but that's what it's rooted in.
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  It's an intent to fix it.
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  So now that we understand what's likely causing it and why,
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  now we can address how we're going to respond.
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  We obviously are going to set limits on self-harm,
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  and it sounds like you already did.
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  You're disappointed you lost your toy,
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  but you're not for hitting.
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  I think that it would be more important to say
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  a broader limit.
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  So,
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  you're never for hurting.
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  I think that would be a little bit more impactful.
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  You are never for hurting,
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  and if you want to add the Y in,
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  it would be.
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  Because
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  you're special,
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  or for like for my son,
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  I used to say,
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  I made you.
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  So I would say,
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  you're not for hurting,
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  I made you.
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  And
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  there are all kinds of reasons why a child isn't for hurting.
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  You can come up with the one that seems to make the most sense for you and your family.
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  But
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  you want to be clear,
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  there's a why.
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  It's not a limit arbitrarily,
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  there's a why.
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  You have inherent worth,
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  you have inherent value.
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  And
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  you should never do anything that's going to injure yourself.
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  So you're disappointed that you lost the toy,
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  but you're never for hurting,
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  and then throw a Y in.
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  Here's the thing,
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  he's going to need alternatives.
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  This is where kids get stuck.
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  This is why the limit setting process
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  offers alternatives,
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  because if we set a limit,
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  and then the child doesn't know what they can do instead,
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  they don't know to do anything else.
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  They're not rational,
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  right?
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  They're not cognitive.
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  They're not going to think their way out of this.
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  So you say you're never for hitting,
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  you're never for hurting,
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  whatever,
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  and then they're like,
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  well,
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  great.
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  And then they don't know what else to do,
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  so they go back to hitting or hurting themselves.
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  We always have to provide alternatives so you can
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  choose to hit the pillow or you can choose.
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  To
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  hit the couch,
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  which do you choose?
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  Or you can choose to tell me about how mad you are,
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  or you can choose to talk to me about how sad you are.
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  There are all kinds of options.
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  What is it that he needs to release that feeling?
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  He's,
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  he feels guilty,
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  likely.
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  He feels ashamed.
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  He feels maybe embarrassed.
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  There's all kinds of things,
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  and those are all vulnerable emotions.
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  No one wants to feel vulnerable.
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  We try to mask it at all costs unless we have high emotional IQ.
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  So we see even in adults,
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  we mask vulnerability.
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  This is what he's doing.
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  He feels all of these things very deeply.
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  I would argue,
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  Whitney,
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  he's probably a highly sensitive child,
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  so I think his feelings are bigger than they are for other kids.
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  So when he feels ashamed,
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  he feels really ashamed.
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  If he feels embarrassed,
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  it's overwhelmingly embarrassing.
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  We have to recognize sensitive kids are going to feel things deeply.
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  And therefore he needs an outlet.
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  So what does he really need
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  that's going to help him feel better
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  about the fact that the toy is misplaced?
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  Maybe he needs to hit something,
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  maybe he needs to talk about something,
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  maybe he needs to
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  throw something as hard and as fast as he can.
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  Maybe he needs to go run.
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  There are all kinds of things that you can offer based on your child's personality
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  and what's going to make the most sense as an outlet for that original need.
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  What he's trying to communicate is,
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  I'm really,
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  really upset about this.
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  That's the goal is give him alternatives that meet the original need.
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  I feel really ashamed.
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  I feel really guilty.
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  I feel really embarrassed.
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  I feel like I'm a failure,
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  whatever it is,
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  he needs a way to get that out
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  that does not include hitting himself,
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  smacking himself,
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  those kinds of things.
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  So you want to consistently make clear he has alternatives
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  and getting back to your,
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  we try to encourage him,
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  yes,
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  continue esteem building and encouragement phrases
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  and in the show notes,
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  I will post a link to
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  more than 100 encouragement phrases for all of you to have access to.
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  And that will be
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  an arsenal of encouragement phrases that you can use.
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  I categorize them in situationally specific scenarios.
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  So when you're with when he's with friends,
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  you know,
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  these are ones you would use when you're at home,
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  these are ones that you would use.
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  So you're gonna have to kind of read through them.
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  But it'll at least give you all kinds of options
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  so that you're not just defaulting to those three that you shared Whitney.
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  Continue to
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  provide self-esteem,
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  building phrases,
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  encouragement phrases,
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  and over time,
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  anxiety reduces,
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  self-esteem increases.
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  And
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  you have a child that's able to better handle emotions
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  and better regulate,
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  but it's a work in progress.
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  He's young,
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  he's 6,
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  he's emotional,
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  he's irrational,
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  and he's going to show you behaviorally what's going on.
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  So this is
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  a be patient process,
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  and this is stick to the limits and the encouragement and esteem building
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  and you will see a difference.
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  So Whitney,
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  thank you so much for the email.
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  I hope that that's helpful for all of you.
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  If you all would like me to answer a question of yours,
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  please email me brenna@heid counselor.com.
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  I'd love to hear from you if you would just like to email me and say hello.
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  I would love to chat with you as well.
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  And by the way,
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  I do get all of my emails and answer all of them.
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  So many people think I must have someone that filters them or vets them or whatever.
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  I get every single one.
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  I respond to every single one.
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  Sometimes it takes me a bit because I do get a lot,
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  but I promise I will respond.
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  And if you would like to say hello or introduce yourself or Or
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  ask a question,
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  I'd be happy to hear from you.
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  brenna at the counselor dot com.
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  I appreciate y'all.
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  Have a great week.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
• 11:36
  Thank you for listening to
• 11:38
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 11:42
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 11:45
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.