Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #407 Dad Alone

Transcript

#407 Dad Alone · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, I have watched over the years as you have
0:12
Speaker 2: done a lot of traveling and I've been at home.
0:15
Speaker 2: But I'm a lot more disciplined when you're not here
0:17
Speaker 2: because there's no one else I rely on. I have
0:20
Speaker 2: to do it.
0:21
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:24
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:25
Speaker 3: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast and a brand
0:28
Speaker 3: new week. My name is doctor. I've just become the
0:31
Speaker 3: official welcomer to the week. Kylie. I'm officially welcoming the
0:34
Speaker 3: world to a new week.
0:36
Speaker 2: I think you might have a bit more of a
0:37
Speaker 2: springing step this week.
0:38
Speaker 3: Somehow I'm feeling good about life because well, we'll talk
0:42
Speaker 3: about that in a second. Justin Coulson, the author of
0:45
Speaker 3: six books about raising happy families in the founder of
0:47
Speaker 3: Happy Families dot com dot au, and Kylie, my wife
0:51
Speaker 3: and mum to our six children. By the way, for
0:54
Speaker 3: those of you who are wondering, yes, we knew that
0:55
Speaker 3: we were having children. We know how it happens, which
0:57
Speaker 3: is crazy about kids, and we love them even though
1:00
Speaker 3: so based on our old do better tomorrow on Friday.
1:02
Speaker 3: You might think otherwise, because, let's face it, last week
1:06
Speaker 3: was tough. Actually, we need to make a confession because
1:09
Speaker 3: of the way that our lives are. Sometimes we record
1:11
Speaker 3: things a little bit in advance, and that was a
1:15
Speaker 3: little bit in advance. Now our weeks have been a
1:17
Speaker 3: bit topsy turvy lately, and that's what we're going to
1:18
Speaker 3: talk about today. Kylie, missus happy families disappeared for a week.
1:24
Speaker 2: First time I've been away.
1:27
Speaker 3: Come on, you've had holidays. Okay, this was.
1:30
Speaker 2: Totally Have you always had a child or you or.
1:34
Speaker 3: You've got away with a girlfriend or something, You've had
1:36
Speaker 3: time away, But this was a totally solo week away,
1:38
Speaker 3: fast time, solo health retreat, gold coasts, no telephone reception,
1:43
Speaker 3: just completely blissed out, surrounded by green space, eating vegetarian food.
1:47
Speaker 3: Or you had a little bit of fish or something,
1:48
Speaker 3: didn't you?
1:49
Speaker 1: Yeah?
1:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, fish, fish and white meat, being very healthy. I
1:53
Speaker 3: was trying, trying, and how much chocolate have you had
1:57
Speaker 3: since you came home from the health retreat?
1:59
Speaker 2: I actually, you have only had one row of your
2:02
Speaker 2: chocolate that you had hiding in the cupboard that I
2:04
Speaker 2: didn't know about.
2:06
Speaker 3: Firstly, I keep on saying don't open that cupboard. Just
2:09
Speaker 3: don't don't open the cupboard because there's always going to
2:12
Speaker 3: be something there. And secondly, I didn't go on the
2:14
Speaker 3: health retreat. I didn't have the health camp. I haven't
2:17
Speaker 3: made a commitment to my health the way you have.
2:19
Speaker 2: I didn't actually go on the house retreat for a
2:21
Speaker 2: health kick. I went for some space. Uh huh?
2:24
Speaker 3: And did you get it? I did, okay, But.
2:26
Speaker 2: You know what, it wasn't as romantic as you've made
2:29
Speaker 2: it romantic.
2:31
Speaker 3: I'm not there.
2:32
Speaker 2: It was a really hard week. I've never done that.
2:35
Speaker 2: It was really hard to be away from everyone. Well,
2:38
Speaker 2: thank you while I was having a message seen by
2:41
Speaker 2: the pool side, but seriously, seriously, it was it was very, very.
2:45
Speaker 3: Confronting, confronting. It was yeh yeah ho.
2:49
Speaker 2: So well, I've actually, in my whole twenty plus years
2:53
Speaker 2: of mothering, there hasn't been a time where I haven't
2:58
Speaker 2: been needed. I've always had someone who's needed me to
3:03
Speaker 2: do things.
3:04
Speaker 3: Even before you were mothering, I needed you.
3:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's not go there. I always say I have
3:10
Speaker 2: more than sixe os.
3:10
Speaker 3: Oh gosh, wow, Well, today we need to talk about
3:16
Speaker 3: what I learned while you were away. So today's podcast
3:18
Speaker 3: is actually all about the life of doctor Justin Coulson,
3:21
Speaker 3: single parent for a week. Now, before we start, I
3:24
Speaker 3: want to highlight number one, tremendous, enormous respect to anyone
3:27
Speaker 3: who is a single parent, legitimately and ongoingly. I got
3:31
Speaker 3: to do it for a week, and my insights from
3:35
Speaker 3: that are going to be I think fun to talk
3:38
Speaker 3: about and hopefully we'll give all of us as parents
3:41
Speaker 3: some ideas about how we can do better in our parenting.
3:44
Speaker 3: But I want to really really be clear that I'm
3:46
Speaker 3: not actually a single parent, and doing it for a
3:48
Speaker 3: week is very different to day in and day out
3:51
Speaker 3: having to having to do the juggle but also having
3:54
Speaker 3: to live with the emotional realities and the psychological realities
3:57
Speaker 3: of being a single parent. So I just I just
3:59
Speaker 3: want to be respectful to those who are doing it
4:03
Speaker 3: all the time. But I thought today I might share
4:05
Speaker 3: some lessons learned from you being away for a week
4:10
Speaker 3: literally seven was it seven nights or six nights?
4:13
Speaker 2: Seven?
4:13
Speaker 3: Yeah, I felt like it felt like every It just
4:16
Speaker 3: felt like a long time. So Number one, my big
4:19
Speaker 3: lesson is that the kids are capable of stepping up
4:23
Speaker 3: like they're much more capable we know that they're able
4:26
Speaker 3: to do things, and at home we have to harangue
4:29
Speaker 3: them and harass them and cajole them and coerce them
4:31
Speaker 3: into helping out. But with you being gone, I sat
4:34
Speaker 3: down with the kids once I dropped you off, walked
4:36
Speaker 3: in the living room and said, all right, guys, we
4:38
Speaker 3: didn't have a conversation. Mum's gone. How's it going to be?
4:41
Speaker 3: What are we going to do about dinners? And the
4:42
Speaker 3: kids volunteered. They're old enough, We're fortunate enough that they
4:46
Speaker 3: are sufficiently mature that I didn't have to cook a
4:49
Speaker 3: meal all week. Well, actually I cooked the Sunday night
4:51
Speaker 3: meal after I dropped you off, but other than that,
4:53
Speaker 3: I didn't cook a meal all week. I said to them,
4:55
Speaker 3: I've still got to work. Like I can't go on
4:57
Speaker 3: holidays because mum's on holidays, I can't look after you
4:59
Speaker 3: guys the house full time. We got to work together
5:01
Speaker 3: as a team, and they stepped up. They cooked meals,
5:04
Speaker 3: they did folding and washing, and they tidied their bedrooms,
5:08
Speaker 3: They vacuumed floors. They even did some ironing, not much,
5:12
Speaker 3: but they even did some ironing, and I was just amazed.
5:15
Speaker 3: In fact, they clept their bedroom cleaner than I kept
5:18
Speaker 3: my bedroom.
5:19
Speaker 2: I did ask you when I got home if the
5:21
Speaker 2: bed had been made while I was gone.
5:23
Speaker 3: And the answer was no, no, no, no, it looked it.
5:27
Speaker 2: Looked like it had had a hard week.
5:29
Speaker 3: Well, only one side of the bed hadn't had a
5:31
Speaker 3: hard week at all. I just slept on that one
5:33
Speaker 3: side and then I'd climb up and I was like,
5:34
Speaker 3: I'm going to get back into it tonight. No one
5:36
Speaker 3: else is going to look at this bedroom for the
5:38
Speaker 3: rest of the day until tonight when I walk in
5:40
Speaker 3: exhausted from looking after all of these children, running the house,
5:43
Speaker 3: running the business.
5:44
Speaker 4: So we need the violin.
5:46
Speaker 3: That's what I'm working on. Curiously, I'm sure jr. Or
5:49
Speaker 3: will have put something in the background there, just to
5:51
Speaker 3: highlight how hard I've had to do it while you've
5:54
Speaker 3: been away. Second thing, second big learning that I picked
5:57
Speaker 3: up I can drop things. I think this is really
6:00
Speaker 3: important for all of us as parents. I remember hearing
6:02
Speaker 3: an analogy. I think that it was from the CEO
6:04
Speaker 3: of Coca Cola years ago. It did all the blog
6:07
Speaker 3: rounds and the well whatever social media was at the time.
6:10
Speaker 3: I think Facebook was only just becoming a thing like
6:12
Speaker 3: it's that old. It was one of those email chain
6:15
Speaker 3: things that went around in the early first decade of
6:19
Speaker 3: the two thousands, and this Coca Cola CEO said that
6:23
Speaker 3: in life, metaphorically, we're all juggling balls. Some of them
6:26
Speaker 3: are rubber, they bounce. Some of them are glass they
6:29
Speaker 3: don't bounce. And he said, sometimes the juggling gets too
6:32
Speaker 3: much and we have to let go of some balls.
6:33
Speaker 3: The trick is to not let go of the glass ones.
6:36
Speaker 3: And this week I discovered that I could drop some
6:40
Speaker 3: balls and just keep on juggling the glass ones. So
6:44
Speaker 3: you discovered what I dropped. One of them was making
6:46
Speaker 3: the bed. Did you notice any of the balls that
6:47
Speaker 3: I'm allowed to drop.
6:50
Speaker 2: Let's just say the laundry pile was a little bit
6:53
Speaker 2: bigger than I was anticipating.
6:55
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I had a feeling. You're going to mention
6:57
Speaker 3: the laundry. Yeah, yeah, anything else.
7:00
Speaker 2: You did a pretty good yess.
7:01
Speaker 3: Yes, And I'm going to mention a third one just now,
7:05
Speaker 3: the dropped No no, no, that third lesson a third
7:09
Speaker 3: Learning from all of this, I'm mentioning this one before
7:12
Speaker 3: the break so that I can run away from you
7:14
Speaker 3: while the break is on and then come back and
7:16
Speaker 3: we can get on with the podcast. But in some ways,
7:19
Speaker 3: in some ways, I just want to be clear, not
7:21
Speaker 3: in all ways, just in some small ways, things are
7:26
Speaker 3: actually easier. Like routine happens when we're not together, because
7:33
Speaker 3: when we're together, we get caught up in conversations and
7:36
Speaker 3: you've got your agenda and I've got mine, and we're
7:38
Speaker 3: kind of Even though we're on the same page and
7:40
Speaker 3: we're wonderfully united as a couple, we still sometimes have
7:43
Speaker 3: to pull in different directions, or we pull as a
7:45
Speaker 3: couple in a direction that's not consistent with what the
7:48
Speaker 3: rest of the family needs, because we want to catch
7:50
Speaker 3: up about what happened, So we'll sit in the bedroom
7:52
Speaker 3: and talk for fifteen minutes rather than being out with
7:54
Speaker 3: the kids when they need this, or running them somewhere
7:56
Speaker 3: and suddenly we've discovered that we're late or something like that.
8:00
Speaker 2: I'm very happy for you to send me away anytime
8:02
Speaker 2: you would like to just get the routine back on track.
8:05
Speaker 2: That's fine.
8:06
Speaker 3: Well, I mean, I just let's just.
8:08
Speaker 2: Put it into context. Things run a lot smooth th
8:11
Speaker 2: when you're not here.
8:14
Speaker 3: I guess i'd asked for that, didnight.
8:17
Speaker 2: I think what happens, and I watch it with lots
8:19
Speaker 2: of people, is just when there's two people in the house,
8:25
Speaker 2: there's almost this unspoken law, unspoken rule, that there's somebody
8:30
Speaker 2: there to pick up the pieces, to pick up the slack,
8:33
Speaker 2: to fill in.
8:33
Speaker 3: The gap that might be what it is, and so.
8:37
Speaker 2: You don't feel like you have to run a marathon
8:39
Speaker 2: in a day because there's someone else there who's got
8:42
Speaker 2: your back.
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Speaker 3: Do you see how you've spun this around. I've said
8:44
Speaker 3: that when you're not here, I can run the routine
8:46
Speaker 3: better and things don't fall through the cracks. But what
8:49
Speaker 3: you've really said is, Justin, when we're both here, you're
8:52
Speaker 3: lazy picking up the slack.
8:57
Speaker 2: I have watched over the years, as you have done
9:00
Speaker 2: a lot of traveling and I've been at home that
9:02
Speaker 2: I'm a lot more disciplined when you're not here because
9:05
Speaker 2: there's no one else I rely on. I have to
9:07
Speaker 2: do it.
9:08
Speaker 3: That's precisely that's bring we're together.
9:11
Speaker 2: There's almost a sense of relax because it's like it's okay,
9:14
Speaker 2: Justin's here. He's here to help.
9:17
Speaker 3: Okay, he's here to talk to me and hug me
9:19
Speaker 3: and take me away from the routine. And all this stuff,
9:21
Speaker 3: and so you're blaming me, I'm blaming you. Maybe we
9:23
Speaker 3: should both move out. Seriously, after the break, I'm going
9:28
Speaker 3: to share my last learning of what it's like to
9:31
Speaker 3: go single dad with five kids for a week. And Kylie,
9:34
Speaker 3: did you lose one? Well, we've got one actually, do
9:37
Speaker 3: you know what? Even our oldest she came home for
9:40
Speaker 3: a night or two. Her husband's away working and so
9:42
Speaker 3: she was feeling a bit lonely. She came and stayed
9:44
Speaker 3: as well. I had six kids that I looked.
9:46
Speaker 2: Stuff that might have been on an errand.
9:49
Speaker 3: You can't believe you said that. As a Happy Family's
9:52
Speaker 3: podcast with Justin and Kylie, It's the Happy Families Podcast.
9:56
Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
9:59
Speaker 4: to feel bad. Are in trouble? The do's and don'ts
10:01
Speaker 4: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
10:04
Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies
10:08
Speaker 4: dot com dot au slash shop.
10:11
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
10:13
Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we
10:17
Speaker 2: are enjoying a wonderful look into single life for Justin.
10:21
Speaker 2: After a week of me being away.
10:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, and we've been talking about those lessons that I've learned.
10:27
Speaker 3: Kids are capable, I can drop things, and the routine
10:31
Speaker 3: actually works better when you're on your own because there's
10:33
Speaker 3: nine to pick up the slack. That's really what it
10:35
Speaker 3: came at it. I'd started by insulting you, you insulted me,
10:38
Speaker 3: but that's where we've ended up. So I had one
10:40
Speaker 3: more life lesson that really struck me while you were gone.
10:44
Speaker 3: But I'm wondering, while you were gone and looking at
10:47
Speaker 3: all of this, what life lessons did you come up
10:50
Speaker 3: with when it comes to me being here running things
10:52
Speaker 3: on my own?
10:54
Speaker 2: I had a couple. The first one for me was
10:57
Speaker 2: that when you are used to being in control, letting
11:02
Speaker 2: go is really hard. And the thought of leaving my
11:08
Speaker 2: five children behind with you on your own was hard
11:14
Speaker 2: for me.
11:14
Speaker 3: As we were driving to the Gold Coast, you were
11:16
Speaker 3: actually saying, is sure going to be okay? You know
11:18
Speaker 3: you've got to do this? Yeah? Like it? I could.
11:20
Speaker 3: I could tell you didn't want it was almost like
11:22
Speaker 3: you didn't want to relinquish.
11:25
Speaker 2: It actually has nothing to do with you and your capacity,
11:28
Speaker 2: and everything to do with my mother heart. Not ever
11:32
Speaker 2: wanting to be in a position where I'm not there
11:34
Speaker 2: for my children if they need me, And that was
11:36
Speaker 2: really hard. It was really hard knowing that I'm gone
11:39
Speaker 2: for a whole week and normally I can at least
11:43
Speaker 2: make a phone call, where I didn't even really have
11:45
Speaker 2: the option to do that. So I had a whole
11:47
Speaker 2: week of radio silence from all of you. And so
11:51
Speaker 2: the realization for me was just that process of letting
11:55
Speaker 2: go was actually way harder than I thought it was
11:57
Speaker 2: going to be because I've been asking for that week
12:00
Speaker 2: away for nearly twenty years.
12:02
Speaker 3: Oh, come on, twenty years really, actually, you probably have
12:06
Speaker 3: It was nearly twenty years ago that I went and
12:08
Speaker 3: did it, that's right, Yeah, yeah, but I did it
12:10
Speaker 3: as part of study and we didn't have to pay
12:12
Speaker 3: for it.
12:13
Speaker 2: You still got it, Billy, twenty years ago.
12:16
Speaker 3: But I was working on that week away at that
12:18
Speaker 3: health retreat, having that time off. Did you have anything
12:20
Speaker 3: else that really stood out to you?
12:22
Speaker 2: Well, I guess as part of that process was just
12:24
Speaker 2: this realization that my way of doing things isn't the
12:27
Speaker 2: only way to do it, and that I needed to
12:30
Speaker 2: learn to trust in the process.
12:32
Speaker 3: Well, you say that, you sorry, you say that, but
12:34
Speaker 3: when you came home and you saw the way the
12:35
Speaker 3: kids had folded the clothes, you stepped straight back into No,
12:38
Speaker 3: there is only one way to do this, and it's
12:40
Speaker 3: my way.
12:40
Speaker 2: I didn't in the bedroom, nobody saw.
12:44
Speaker 3: But anyway, I took you off tangent you trusting in
12:47
Speaker 3: the process, is what you're saying.
12:49
Speaker 2: Sometimes I think that as parents, and I'm going to
12:53
Speaker 2: specifically say me as a mum, I don't allow the
12:58
Speaker 2: space for you as dad to actually step in and
13:03
Speaker 2: have these beautiful moments with our girls. Yeah, and so
13:08
Speaker 2: learning to let go, recognizing that my way is not
13:12
Speaker 2: the only way to do things, and then just trusting
13:14
Speaker 2: in the process of me being gone and you being
13:19
Speaker 2: the capable dad that you are to just have the
13:24
Speaker 2: week unfold the way it needed to and whatever that
13:27
Speaker 2: looked like that was going to be okay.
13:29
Speaker 3: I love that learning. I think that any parent listening
13:33
Speaker 3: to this conversation, especially any mum, could take so much
13:36
Speaker 3: from that. I hear from mums of little ones, like
13:40
Speaker 3: kids with separation anxiety because they're only twelve or eighteen
13:43
Speaker 3: months old or ten months old, whatever it is, and
13:45
Speaker 3: these kids are like mums will say, I can't put
13:48
Speaker 3: the child down and walk out of the house without
13:49
Speaker 3: them losing the plot. And so therefore Dad doesn't do
13:51
Speaker 3: anything because I'm at the top of the attachment hierarchy,
13:54
Speaker 3: and I keep on saying, sometimes you just need to
13:56
Speaker 3: put the child down and walk out. He or she
13:58
Speaker 3: will stop crying within I don't know a mineral two.
14:01
Speaker 3: It might go for three or four minutes. But just
14:03
Speaker 3: go to the shops, go and catch up with your girlfriend,
14:06
Speaker 3: go and do that stuff, and let Dad figure it out.
14:09
Speaker 3: Trust that it's going to be okay because he is
14:11
Speaker 3: number two on the attachment hierarchy, and once the child
14:13
Speaker 3: realizes with a little bit of love from dad at
14:15
Speaker 3: that age, it's going to be okay. And I reckon
14:19
Speaker 3: there's some really really great wisdom there. I'm glad that
14:22
Speaker 3: you said that. I'm actually also going to add from
14:25
Speaker 3: a couple's point of view, we actually made a decision
14:27
Speaker 3: early on in our relationship that we were never going
14:29
Speaker 3: to go on solo holidays. We knew some couples that
14:32
Speaker 3: were doing that, and he would go off on the
14:34
Speaker 3: surfing trip and she would go away on a cruise
14:36
Speaker 3: with a girlfriends. And there were at different times of
14:38
Speaker 3: the year as well, so because they had kids, right,
14:40
Speaker 3: so it's like they were actually separating for that week
14:43
Speaker 3: or that two weeks so they could go and have
14:44
Speaker 3: their individual holidays. And I remember looking at you the
14:47
Speaker 3: first time we heard about that and we were like what, Like,
14:49
Speaker 3: who would do that? And I still hate the idea
14:53
Speaker 3: of you being gone. I really didn't like being away
14:55
Speaker 3: from you for that week while you were off having
14:57
Speaker 3: a holiday. It was really hard, not because you're a
14:59
Speaker 3: holda but because I missed you and I wanted to
15:01
Speaker 3: have the shared experience with you. But in terms of
15:06
Speaker 3: that process stuff that you're talking about, I really think
15:08
Speaker 3: that there's value in it. And while I'm not going
15:11
Speaker 3: to suggest that we make it a regular thing, I
15:14
Speaker 3: think that a semi regular thing is good for you
15:17
Speaker 3: and for me, and it's good for the kids as well,
15:18
Speaker 3: because they get to see, they get to adapt, they
15:20
Speaker 3: get to adjust to whatever it's going to be while
15:23
Speaker 3: that happens.
15:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, you know, thinking back on those experiences
15:28
Speaker 2: that we've had over the years, and the thoughts and
15:29
Speaker 2: processes that we've gone through as we've seen other people
15:32
Speaker 2: choose to do this, and the reality is I missed
15:36
Speaker 2: being with you in such a big way and wanted
15:40
Speaker 2: to share all of the experiences that I was having
15:42
Speaker 2: with you. But as I watched other couples that were there,
15:47
Speaker 2: what I actually saw was a disengage from the whole
15:50
Speaker 2: experience because they were so focused on each other. And
15:54
Speaker 2: what happened with all of the single women and single
15:58
Speaker 2: men that were on the retreat with me was that
16:01
Speaker 2: we actually got to develop a relationship together that we
16:04
Speaker 2: wouldn't have had had we had our significant other with us.
16:07
Speaker 4: Yeah.
16:08
Speaker 3: Yeah, you made new friends because it.
16:10
Speaker 2: Opened up my experience and enlarged the opportunities that I
16:15
Speaker 2: had as a result. And I think what I got
16:19
Speaker 2: out of it was just I just had such a
16:23
Speaker 2: deep need to have, you know, other sister hearts that
16:27
Speaker 2: could nurture me and experience things with me in a
16:31
Speaker 2: different way, and it was it was enlarging.
16:35
Speaker 3: Yeah, great to hear. My last lesson was just how
16:39
Speaker 3: grateful I am for you. You do so much and
16:42
Speaker 3: as a as a dad to all these kids and
16:45
Speaker 3: your husband for all these years. I mean, I work
16:48
Speaker 3: really hard to make sure that you know that I
16:50
Speaker 3: don't take you for granted, that I appreciate all of
16:53
Speaker 3: the incredible things that you do for our family. But boy,
16:56
Speaker 3: a boy, with you being gone and actually having to
16:59
Speaker 3: do my best to muddle through and get all that
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Speaker 3: stuff done that I can normally rely on you for,
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Speaker 3: it just made me grateful. So I'm really glad you're home,
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Speaker 3: even if you are stealing my chocolate out of my
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Speaker 3: secret stash cupboard. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by
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Speaker 3: Justin Ruwan from Bridge Media. Creig Bruce is our executive producer,
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Speaker 3: and if you'd like more info about making your family happier,
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Speaker 3: we love it when you visit happy families dot com
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Speaker 3: dot a U, because a happy family doesn't just happen