Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 29: Mother's Day Habits - Balance of Traditions & Self-Care

Transcript

Episode 29: Mother's Day Habits - Balance of Traditions & Self-Care · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So join me, jenna Zint, habit Coach, teacher and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: This is Jenna Zint.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: I am going to do this episode on Mother's Day habits because I have a few and I have a few thoughts and I thought it'd be helpful and Mother's Day is right around the corner.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: So let's pretend that I didn't just put my mom's card in the mail.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Sorry, marsha, totally missed that.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: I have alerts in my phone for everybody's birthday, which I imagine most people do in my family.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: But then I did this year I added 10 days before I added an alert to get a gift or get a card, and then, three days after, mail card because I realized that it's more important to remember ahead of time so that the card gets there or the present, than me having a day before reminder.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: So that's been huge, I don't think.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: And I just realized I was like man, how did I miss this?
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I don't have that reminder set up in my phone like I do for birthdays.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: So, as I'm talking about a free little habit for you relevant to Mother's Day, but bonus habit talk, you're welcome, okay.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: So I'm laughing because I was like I'm going to do a Mother's Day podcast and I was like, well, I'll just write some of my thoughts before I go, and then I ended up having like two pages of notes, so this might be a smidge longer.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: I'll try to keep it concise and in the spirit of all things, because it doesn't really make sense to make this a two-part episode, since next week won't be Mother's Day.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: First off, I just wanted to start with some testimonies.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: You know, my last episode was on gratitude and I think I have gosh I'm terrible with numbers I think it's around 50 people doing the May Gratitude Challenge with me.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: If you haven't listened to that episode, it kind of just frames this idea.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I've discovered gratitude as a tool for combating areas of my life that I feel pain or disappointed, and as I changed my perspective for what I was noticing, watching Breakthrough follow as, like I kind of stirred up hope.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: So that's that perspective around gratitude, but it's been so amazing so you can listen to that whenever you're listening to this episode.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Go back and you can totally listen to that one.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: Probably too late to join my challenge in May, but no problem, you can do it on your own whenever.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: 30 days of two minutes of gratitude around that area would be so helpful regardless.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: But I've been getting these testimonies back from these people who are doing it with me and then even just having some really sweet times with the Lord around myself, and it's just been phenomenal.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: I've truly cried almost every day reading someone's shift in perspective or heart posture or encounter with the Lord.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: It's just been so profound and that's one of the reasons I love doing things in group context, especially around habits.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: There's this level of social community accountability not just accountability, but watching other people's breakthrough.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: As you know, you're all focusing on this area, even though we're around the country world together.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: It's just, it feeds me and it reminds me of like, oh, I want to experience that level and then going after it more intently my own habit in that.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: So that's one.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: And then the next thing I want to talk about is life coaching.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: You know, I would love to meet with you.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: It's funny because I've called it habit coaching but then I realized it's accidentally pigeonholed myself.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: I do help people with their habits, that's true.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: But I actually love, I would say, most of the people I meet with on a regular basis.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just a life coach.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: What it looks like when you meet with me is I unpack pain, like listening to people's pain, like we process through it in a way that's helpful and outside perspective, to listen and to process.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: But then what I do, I think well, is I reflect back what I'm hearing, noticing patterns, whether it's behavior patterns or thought patterns, and then we look at them together to decide like are they serving you, is that helpful?
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: And then I help clients build plans for how to form new patterns so that they have new modes of operating if those ones that we're noticing aren't helpful.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: So that's where the habit work comes into play.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Is that most of the plans for new patterns, as we've uncovered pain or noticed trends?
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: It's like an offensively small action step or homework.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: So if you I've done enough, new client, I have 10 minute calls I'm willing to do with people.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: If you want to be like, hey, does this make sense, would you be a good fit for me?
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: And we just chat through it.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: But most people don't realize that I love doing the life coaching side of things.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: They think I'm just habit.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: So if you are looking for a life coach, think of me.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I was going to read a testimony from Naomi about she's met with me a few times, life coaching and she responded to a story and I was like, hey, can I read this on my podcast?
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: And she was like, yeah, so this is her response.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: I could not believe how amazing you are at the emotional side of things.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: You seriously have so many tools in your tool belt to come at all the angles with people.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: You are like a unicorn.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: So if you're looking for a unicorn not my words, people of a life coach consider Jenna Marie Zint.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: And then, lastly, I wanted to let you know I actually am in the middle of making a little mini course that is going to be called Setting Up your Summers.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: There is going to be called setting up your summers.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: There is going to be a primary focus for moms and families, but there will also be a lot of it just if you're not a mom, actually the intentionality of building a summer, like what's your goal and then what are the habits that will get you there, and I am not type A, so it's way more of a gentle roadmap than this rigid formula, but the idea is like, if we don't know where we're headed or what we want our summer to be, how will we get there?
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Like you, don't fall into it.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: It takes intentionality with your habits.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: So that's going to be a new mini course that I'm excited about.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: That'll be coming out soon.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Okay, so Mother's Day let's talk about all the things I think I'm not alone in experiencing, especially the first few years of motherhood, like my expectations versus what happened, versus what my husband did, versus what I thought would feel fun, versus like all the things.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: So now I've got Mother's Day pretty dialed in, this kind of reminds me of my birthday podcast I did on my birthday in December.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: So what we do, what I've realized, instead of hoping that it hits all these things without thinking about it, I've experimented over the years and come up with like, I guess, honestly, mother's Day habits that actually make me feel connected and honored with my family, with my kids, but then also feeling refreshed and getting a minute to you know, like a mom moment, getting both.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: So, just logistically, what that looks like for me, my Mother's Day habits specifically is in the morning, is with family, so it kind of varies, but usually some level of the kids like to make me breakfast, whether it's in bed or not, it's just cute.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: They usually write or make me cards.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: I would say.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Often there's a gift not usually each kid or anything like that they give me whatever they made at school, which is really sweet.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: Maybe my husband usually has something.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I would say he often has something between 10 to 20 bucks, but that's all I'm really interested in.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: It's helped me to like, define, almost like, for both of us as we've experimented over the years, what success is, so that he's not hoping or trying to hit a target that moves every year.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: Nor do I have unrealistic expectations that I haven't talked to him about.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: It's been like, hey, this is enough, this is the point, this feels loved.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: And then at some point in the morning usually because my kids are younger so they can't write it in their cards, but I'll, we'll go around and almost do like an honoring mom moment.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: So like, what do you like about having me as your mom?
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: What's one of your favorite things about me?
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: What do we, what do we do well together?
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: What is different about me as a mom versus other moms?
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Or why are you glad I'm your mom?
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: So somewhere around that I just help facilitate, like, oh, actually part of me feeling honoring is like feeling words of affirmation and like maybe compliments and connecting with their heart.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: But like we don't usually stumble into that, they need some little level.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know like I love questions because I think facilitating the conversation, the depth of conversation that I'd like to have, just makes me feel so loved and seen.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: But I don't need it to happen organically.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I realize their age and then it's more of my gifting than my husband's.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: So I kind of usually facilitate that.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: But we always have that moment of probably realistically at my kid's age it's about maybe max 10 to 15 minutes.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: But like, oh, I feel loved and purposeful and they connect with the purpose of like Mother's Day, beloved and purposeful and they connect with the purpose of like Mother's Day.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: So then in the afternoon I think we're on year six of having this tradition of a mom's only lake afternoon.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: So I literally made a graphic, sent it.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: Now my friend Autumn and I co-host it if you will.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: But we just make a graphic every year and we blast it to our friends.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: So we probably send out like 30 invites, but it's mom's only.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: It's usually in the afternoon, either like after church, either one to three or two to four depending.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: But the idea is we have like, especially when you're thick in the little kids season I've heard from some moms of adult kids you don't actually want time away from your kids, but when you're in the thick of it, having a Mother's Day, that I feel connected to my family, feel a little honored with their words, got some honoring with their action, have like connection.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: That is 100% what I want.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: So that's what we do in the morning, but then the afternoon, like, oh, I actually want a piece of some self-care or a mom moment that actually I need when I'm.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: It's so labor intensive with little kids, so sometimes they feel a little sad, like truly, they usually are like, ah, we don't get to go with you on Mother's Day, but I just set the precedence of like, oh, I love, like our family celebrates.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: We do the morning with Mother's Day and I feel so loved.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: But do you know that this is the only day in the whole year that I go to the lake by myself?
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Because the rest of the days when it's not Mother's Day, we love doing family things and your sand toys and meeting your friends and popsicles.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: But on Mother's Day, part of it is mom getting to do what feels restful for mom and having a little bit of alone time at the lake without having to do all the kid stuff is so special and it's cool because they understand.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes in motherhood, especially in our culture or climate, we could be so afraid of leaving them out or, I don't know, hurting their feelings or saying that they're not, I don't know messages that they potentially could hear.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: But I'm like oh, actually we can do both.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: It's not either.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Or it's not a day totally away from my kids where I'm saying you're the problem, I need to refresh.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: This is what I want.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, space away.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Nor is it saying it's selfish to take any space away.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: It's like, oh, actually, both is what makes for a beautifully restful, fun gift of a day for me.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: So I can like ditching that all or nothing mentality, you can get your needs met.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I bet there's other moms out there.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: We had to kind of turn the culture of like almost it was this mindset when we'd invite people to there Like are we allowed to do stuff on Mother's Day without our kids?
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: Is that illegal?
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: And I'm like I know, I know, susan, I had the same question.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: Let's try and we'll see what we get.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: I'm teasing, but actually true.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: So if you're going to start this in your own community, it doesn't have to be like you might not have a like.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: It could truly be like coffee and walking in your favorite park or go something outside.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: That feels restful, no one's hosting, it's not super expensive, but it's just casual, fun time that you wouldn't do Like the luxury feels like oh, I wouldn't do this without my kids or take this moment on other days, but on motherhood, let's, or on mother's day, let's do it, and then inviting other people in it's really special.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: It's been one of my favorite.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: My friend Autumn, who and I who we do it together.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: She sent me, as we're planning it this year, she sent me a bunch of pictures from past years and it just it's so sweet and nostalgic and it's truly the only time during the day that I go to the lake without my kids all year.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: So one of the things that I found, though, thinking about you know you could call these traditions, if you want, or habits, habits and traditions are kind of similar.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Traditions usually maybe happen less often, you know, like once a year versus daily, but I found that it makes it easier when I find this recipe that works enough, instead of needing something new or continually reinventing the wheel.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: Going back to tried and true is, like, helpful for me.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: So you don't have to take my suggestion or like.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: The goal is never for you to copy my habits.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: They need to fit in your season, in your life, your personality, what feels restful.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: But I would just say that, like, if you find, if you experiment for a few years and then you find something that works, that hits that need of feeling honoring, refreshing, luxurious for Mother's Day, duplicate it, hit it on repeat for a few years.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: The questions that I would ask myself if I were in your shoes is what sounds restful and what could I do that would be either honoring or unique to the day?
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: And then remember, it's not all or nothing.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: You could do some with your family and help facilitate that, and then you could have some alone time or spa or whatever it looks like.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: But even with friends, you could do a mix of both and then just give yourself permission to experiment and edit as you try.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: I almost expect, especially when I'm going after trying to build something that hits these things I'll probably get some parts right the first year, but then have feedback or takeaway of like, hey, that didn't actually hit it.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Next year I want to do X Y, z.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: So part of it I would say we did it at people's houses a couple years, but having to facilitate, like we had food that felt working, versus now it's just show up at the lake, bring your own snacks, bring your own towel I don't control who comes like in the sense of I don't need a head count.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: That is actually low stakes enough facilitation that it feels fun and luxurious.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Versus when I was at someone's house a couple years, it was different people's houses, so it wasn't like the person, it was, just the level of planning was not restful.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: So experiment, imagine that you're not going to hit it right the first year and you'll have notes for yourself of things you'd like to edit for the next year.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: The next thing I want to talk about so that was just kind of the logistics of my Mother's Day habit morning with her fam, intentional conversation, low stakes, what they do for me and then afternoon, a little bit of alone time with friends that feel luxurious and restful.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: The next thing I want to talk about is setting your husband up for success.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: For me that looked like being okay, with imperfect effort on his part.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: I realized that we just would.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I know we're not alone in this.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I've heard this conversation around in other marriages and even just saw it and you know, growing up too, of the wife wanting to feel honored and loved.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: And then the husband like no, I haven't met a perfect husband.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Maybe you have the perfect husband, I just don't know who you yet.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: But the idea that like, oh, they, they missed it somehow.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: But then it becomes really like raw and it sends a big message and fights or disconnect or sadness or loneliness on Mother's Day, even for moms I know there's a whole demographic of ones who want to be moms and has so much empathy for that.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: But even just the loneliness sometimes I hear in motherhood when they don't feel seen or known or honored or celebrated in a way that feels like hits their heart.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: So the loneliness there.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: So for me realizing like, oh, actually that's one of the reasons we've kind of defined like what Aaron generally does, cause I want to set him up for success and I'm okay when he gives me an effort and it's not perfect, like I actually see a good man trying and I can feel loved by his effort, even if it's not my exact flavor, like, oh, I would have done this differently or I wish this had happened.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, what I can do is a few days later.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: I usually don't give, like I said for myself, as I give edits about what worked and didn't work in the years, building to what the morning with the family looked like.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: I would talk through that, but I never do it on the day of.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I actually usually wait a while, probably like a week, because it's not urgent and I don't want him to feel criticized or diminished.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: And then also I recognize that a week gives my emotions time to settle and I feel I'm a little bit more.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: I can take any blame or judgment out of what I'm gonna say and give just like simple, like hey, next year I think it would be so fun to actually get a gift.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: I think for a while maybe we tried no gifts because we were, you know, budget, and then like I don't need something.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: I'm like actually I think I do, I would love a gift and hearing it day of would feel hurtful and be potentially pretty disconnecting.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: Hearing a week or two later like how I felt so loved.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: I saw that you did breakfast and I realized that I had said no gifts, but I think next year, even something simple.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: I just this is actually an honest conversation I had with Aaron, like I think something around 15 bucks where it doesn't break the bank and I don't have high stakes expectation of you nailing it.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: But I'm like, oh, he thought of me and he went out of his way and this is what he thought it would like and I won't critique you about your gift, but just the act of giving one makes me feel loved.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: So, communicating that rather than oh, I want him to read my mind, for me to sometimes communicating in real time on the day of if adjustments need to be made, which an example would be like I'm trying to think, making oh, I can't think of something like, oh, do you think?
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: Oh, maybe the conversation.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: So like, they made me breakfast and this is so sweet and cute, but for me, I really wanted to ask them, like, why do you love me as a mom?
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Or what's special about me versus other mothers?
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: Or why do we get along so good?
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: You know, whatever, what flavor do I bring to our motherhood?
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: Whatever, my question is maybe in real time.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: As we're sitting and eating, realizing my heart's longing for a little bit more, I'm like, oh, I can actually communicate that in real time.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: What I have to be aware of is not letting bitterness or offense that this narrative of he should know this, or I'm just disappointed, or if he loved me better or if he was better at caring for me, he would do this.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: Actually, if I recognize something in me that's a little basic and it would be an easy thing to say and would keep bitterness out of my heart, then it'd be easy to be able to ask to make some like real-time adjustments versus critiquing the effort.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: So there's like a balance you have to play there.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: But for me, when I think about setting my husband up for success for Mother's Day, I remind myself.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: But for me, when I think about setting my husband up for success for Mother's Day, I remind myself.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Aaron cannot read my mind.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: I do not need to take whatever he does or doesn't do, or I wished he did or hoped he did, as proof that he doesn't love me or care for me.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: That's when he gets dangerous.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I might experience pain, but what I won't let it do is become evidence that he doesn't care for me or love for me.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: That's where bitterness grows, that's where offense I'm like oh, I can process this in the moment without adding it to that account.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: I realized that he can't read my mind and my needs are more likely to get met if I have something little that pops up in real time that I could tell him and we can make the adjustment.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: So it's not because he sometimes I'm like, oh, he should know this.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: If he loved me, he would know.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: I love words of affirmation, therefore have planned to ask the kids.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: But the fact that I have to ask the kids shows he doesn't care for me like I would and how I do it on Father's Day.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: I'm like whoa To me.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Whenever I notice those trains of thoughts, I'm like, oh, that's that is me trying to get.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: I notice those trains of thoughts.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's that is me trying to get, that's the inner dialogue that go that.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: That path leads to bitterness and offense, and offense will actually rob from my mother's day.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Like, hey, pause, like e-break on that line of thought.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Like, oh, I can actually just help me get my needs met and that'll help us all stay connected more, rather than taking it as evidence he doesn't know me and care for me, or whatever, either.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, the idea that either if he knew me or loved me better, I wouldn't have to tell him this.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: I wish that he just knew or do this or have told him once or twice, and the fact that he doesn't remember is proof that he doesn't care for me.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: All those lines of thought I realized like oh, that's pain.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: Trying to forecast my future or paint Aaron's's character in a different, that's unhelpful.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: I can feel my pain in real time with all it letting Bitterness or offense grow.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: So sometimes aaron needs like so the things that I remind myself to set him up for success Is he can't read my mind and he might need reminding.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: So even if I remind like hey, I'd love the kids to give me words of affirmation he might forget and be like hey, do you think we could do a word?
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: So, instead of like, oh man, watching him miss it and then hoping he does it and not saying and withholding and almost like evidence see, he didn't remember it Like, oh, we're sitting down and be like do you think that this we could do, the words of affirmation at breakfast?
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: Like that would feel easy and how do you think about that?
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: So, instead of controlling him with like this is when it needs to happen, it almost feels like a spectrum to me.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: You know, like either one end is like this is how it has to happen, this is control, and like you need to do it my way in my formula, or the other end, not saying anything and passively, almost like proof of like he forgot it or he missed it, the middle ground of like can I give him some information so that thinking of success for the whole family, not just Jenna, like Aaron's failing, or Jenna needs to do it all?
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so he might need reminding.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I wonder if I can graciously help him course correct, because I care more about our connection than Aaron being a mind reader, more about our connection than Aaron being a mind reader.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: While I was preparing for this podcast, like I said, I was writing out my notes when I got to this part about the ways I've had to choose to set Aaron up for success versus almost this waiting to be disappointed, which I would say it would be so subconscious, but I felt like an invitation to the Lord of that some of you listening might realize that you have accidentally been living in past pain from past Mother's Day, living under, realizing like, oh my gosh, I have had this expectation that my husband should be able to read my mind and not wanting to remind him and taking all of that as evidence of him not loving me or valuing me or caring me, and realizing that, like you've accidentally been, like I said, I discovered feeding bitterness or evidence for offense.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: So while I was listening to that, I just wanted to say, if you realize that's you and you need to take, like you're feeling, some conviction, just take a second.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: That's the beautiful part about the grasp is that really it's just this moment of when you feel the conviction, leaning in and just repenting and letting go of past offense and pain that may be spoiled into bitterness about how your husband or kids have missed it in the past.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: One of my little expressions or habits for myself is offense never serves me.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: It likes to tell me that it'll help me get my needs met, but actually it just steals from me.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: So anywhere that you need to that this feels true Mother's Day, about your date nights or about your birthday can you forgive your husband or your family for the way they maybe have missed it in the past, I feel the Holy Spirit.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: Can you give them a fresh start?
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: Are you willing to experiment in finding a rhythm that feels honoring and fun, and would you be willing to be part of the process to find that rhythm?
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Are you willing to restore the standard?
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: When I think about the past times that maybe Aaron's missed it, it almost feels like oh, but he's missed it too much, the pain's too great, too repetitive, and like how many times am I meant to forgive him?
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: Or how many times will he miss it, and I instantly think of that scripture about forgiveness of 70 times seven.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, it's almost like I look to God like do I need to keep doing it?
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Or when does your expectation for me change?
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, okay.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: So the good news is that, if you like, get a clean slate in your own heart, like it allows you to enjoy mother, like I remember when I did this, when your mother's day was so actually more fulfilling, and I don't know that Aaron really changed.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: It's not like he magically did all the things that year, but my heart posture changed.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: So then his efforts and imperfect attempts at loving me actually saw a man who appreciates me as a partner and was trying so hard or trying, how about that, trying to communicate that Could I feel loved and accept a bid for honor, connection, love that was imperfectly given.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: So I bet some of you are going to feel a difference, even just forgiving and letting go past pain or offense and giving them a fresh start.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, so the other half of this episode I wanted to talk to.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: So we talked about logistics, of what my motherhood habits, our Mother's Day habits, actually look like.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Then even just the habits of setting yourself, your husband, up for success, helping be a team to make this successful, rather than like expecting him to read your mind or you know, and then reminding yourself he's probably going to need you to say it a few times, maybe even day of be like, oh, do you think we could do those words of affirmation.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: Or even if there were no cards that were drawn from the kids, like, do you think I would love it, I'd feel so special if maybe the kids could draw some cards and some of you are going to have husbands that would be like, oh, so grateful, see here how kind you are.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: And be like, oh man, I missed it.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: Yes, like, let's do that.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: Maybe some of you are going to have husbands that would be defensive and feel not aware but triggered with the shame that they missed it.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: No problem, you still get to one of the things I remind myself, even if Aaron does respond in defensiveness.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, I was super busy trying to get these pancakes that you asked for and that's why we didn't cards.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I see shame happening.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: I actually don't have to respond or engage with this shame.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: I'm going to keep it Like I'm still not triggered.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: But I know you're like, the pancakes were awesome, they were so delicious.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: It would just be so special if the kids would do some cards too, do you think so?
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: And maybe he says something defensive enough.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: But if I just stay there and I don't actually take the bait or engage he's not trying to bait me, but it almost feels like if I don't interact with the shame that's probably triggering some of the defensiveness then it stays here, it stays low and we get connection so much faster.
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: The other part of this episode I wanted to talk about was actually one of the reasons that I feel like Mother's Day can feel so high stakes of missing it or not feeling honored or refreshing, or even if you're not blaming your spouse or your kids, whatever.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: If it feels just disappointing for you, whatever.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: If it feels just disappointing for you.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: The high stakes-ness of it almost points back to how all-consuming the job is.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: It's like one day a year that's a nod to this job.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: That requires everything in you.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: Of course, that is not going to actually meet all that need to recognize the effort and love and heart and life that you've laid down for this role, you know.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: So for me, recognizing like, oh, if I, what is underneath this?
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: That makes it almost feel chronic disappointment, and the high stakes-ness, realize of the job, one day to acknowledge all that the job entails, realizing like, oh, there's this chronic feeling of it never being enough, like underneath all of that was actually this mom guilt a bit of I give every.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: It's two sided, it feels like I give everything and it's still not enough for you people, or an awareness of, like me, not being enough, like my own shame of criticizing my lack too.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: So this one day on motherhood, um, I actually had this really sweet encounter with the Lord where I was feeling a little disappointed or I don't know like kind of low key triggered and I realized that under this was that I was more aware on Mother's Day of the ways that I'd like to grow or I wasn't the mom that I wanted to be or had the goal of becoming and realizing.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: The disappointment actually stemmed from me not thinking I was enough.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: And then too, like it's interesting with your kids, like sometimes we hear that if that not enough is in us already, like if we are thinking that about ourselves, then we're going to interpret people's actions.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: Or you might actually have had a family, or sometimes my kids have said it that I'm failing, or if you loved me, you'd do blah, blah, blah or so-and-so's mom, and it can like enforce that narrative I already have going, you know it's like evidence for it.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: So, whether it's like actual words or your interpretation of the words, like actually sitting with that part in me that isn't proud of the kind of mom I am.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: So every Mother's Day I do this little moment where I actually connect with being proud of the kind of mom I am and how I've shown up and sitting with myself.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: I usually do it in the morning.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: No, sometimes in the morning, sometimes it's been the afternoon, depending on when the time is, but it's been a game changer for how I can connect with the vibe of the day when I give myself the vote of approval and honor that I've been.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: Actually it means the most Internally, like they could give me all the words externally or things.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: But if I have this low, like almost like hole in my bucket of me being like it doesn't quite hit it or I'm like, oh, that's because I have this hole that I don't think I'm, I think I'm failing.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: Therefore, your gift or your efforts are actually never going to hit what the real problem is.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: So I sit and I think about the ways that I, what my flavor of motherhood looks like, what I've done recently, and I actually just take a moment of like thank you, like you are, I see what you're doing, I see how hard you are trying.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: I have my eyes closed right now because I actually really mean it.
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: I'm like you have done.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: You've given everything, jenna, and I, like you've worked so hard because you care so much about these little people and they love you and you love them.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there are ways that you're going to keep growing and there's areas that you can get better at, but please don't steal from all that you have given by where you still want to go.
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: Can you take a minute and look back at how you've shown up, how you've given, and just honor your own effort at motherhood?
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: So, yes, motherhood's about other people honoring what you've sown into motherhood, but actually it's going to feel so different if you sit and honor your own investment into this role that's so important, and then their words hit different.
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: Their words are cherries on top, their words are the icing on the cake, but me having my own sense of gratitude towards the effort I've put into this role, oh, that has changed mother or mother's day for me.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, I was waiting for all these other people to tweak the thing to make it feel like it's meant to feel, but really it's me that needs to acknowledge my own gratitude for my effort here before I can build upon it with their words.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: So what I was just imagining is realizing that we have to first decide internally that you're proud of yourself and that you're doing a good job.
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: So what I was wanting to ask yourself this is what I do.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm like can you collect evidence for how you're a good mom?
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: And when I collect evidence, when I actually think of things, I think of tangible examples.
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: I would think, maybe more recently, 24 hours, or the last week or the last month or this last season I don't.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: Long-term or far away ones are harder for me to emotionally connect and feel and believe.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: So more tangible evidence.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: But it can be as simple and really practical.
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: So not like I'm a loving mom that won't do anything for me.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: But when I'm looking for evidence like oh, let me think of one.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: This morning or yesterday, when I got my groceries delivered, I had this new set of watercolors and a new watercolor pad in our grocery delivery.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: Because I'm the kind of mom who's noticed Audrey's bent towards, oh, I feel emotional, creative expression.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: And it's been a little painful because she doesn't love the doing, she's not as much of a doer, she's more sedentary in her hobbies and interests.
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: But I want to invest in who she is versus ever giving her the narrative that I wish she was more like me.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: So I bought those watercolors and like that's evidence that I'm a good mom.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: That watercolor set and that paper is so much more than me being generous.
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: That's me seeing my daughter knowing that she's different, but actually championing all the things that are growing in her and wanting to be on her team for those strengths that she has and be the biggest cheerleader for them.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: So like, oh, that would be one thing, but do you see how I didn't say I'm generous, like if I was like I'm a generous mom, that wouldn't emotionally move me, like digging into what it represents and how much bigger of a picture it is for the case of Jenna being a good mom.
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: And if you experience some resistance when you're trying to collect evidence for being proud of yourself or doing a good job or evidence of you being a good mom, I'd ask like I always think like, yeah, there's part of me that's like, but this area and I kind of acknowledge it, like I usually right now, I instinctively I always put my hand on my heart when I'm talking to myself, because it's like a bit of remembering, I'm focused inward and it's like some self-comfort.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: So, as you're listening to this, I'd actually highly recommend you pausing and doing this exercise.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: If you're in the car and can't do it immediately, you could do it a little bit afterwards.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: But being so soft and kind with yourself and actually thinking through five pieces of evidence recently of how you're a good mom and actually connecting, being like internally proud of yourself and believing that you're doing a good job and if any of you feel resistance, what I was trying to say before is like yes, there are growth areas.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, you are not perfect, but can you show appreciation for the effort you are giving?
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: You do not want to be a cruel taskmaster who says it's never enough.
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: You do not want to be a cruel taskmaster who says it's never enough.
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: So I want you to think of five things you've done that are evidence of you being a good mom in the last 24 hours.
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: And this to me, if I do this every Mother's Day, it sets the stage for like.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: I actually go into the Mother's Day feeling proud of the mom I've been and I've gotten my own vote of like you're doing a good job.
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: So then, whatever they give me, it's not filling this deficit or trying to combat this big like lie or not enoughness.
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: It's actually just extra because Jenna's decided, jenna's been being a good mom and Jenna knows what Jesus says about my version of motherhood and how I'm showing up in this role so that I get to receive what they have to give, rather than coming to them as like a starving person who's looking for them to fix this thing.
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: That's actually partly an internal job.
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: Before I go, I just had one last little Jesus moment.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: I just wrote this down as I was preparing for the Holy Spirit.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I want to say this, and I just felt like he was saying this.
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: So if you could close your eyes, take a deep breath.
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: This is actually so much how my coaching calls go, put your hand on your heart.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: And this is what I felt like he was saying to you.
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: I knew what I was doing when I chose you to be their mom.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: You were my number one choice for the role.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: I didn't make a mistake.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: Your personality, your history, your flavor of motherhood is not the hindrance for shaping them.
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: All of who you are was exactly part of my plan.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: This kind of dialogue is a little bit like I had this one time I was on a run and it wasn't on motherhood Actually, it might've been on motherhood and I was frustrated at my inability to stay present.
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: And with ADHD it's just hard.
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: I just end up.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: I sit down to play with them and then accidentally end up over here doing something or sorting through our puzzles.
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oops, oops.
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: I was like what was I doing?
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I was going to turn around to watch Rosie's face be a little sad as she realized mom left once again.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: So I feel emotional.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: I was on my run and I was just bummed at how my ADHD costs them sometimes and I was like, oh Jesus, are they going to grow up feeling the deficit of that?
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: And that was when this moment he was like Jesus, like, are they going to grow up feeling the deficit of that?
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: And that was when this moment he was like you think I made a mistake giving them a mom with ADHD, but I actually knew fully who you are and I also personally believe, after some chats with Jesus, that ADHD is not actually me being broken, I'm just wired differently and he wanted me to be wired differently.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: It's not a handicap by any means.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: There's this level, there's this whole food of thought that I actually read somewhere I can't remember that 90 something percent of entrepreneurs have ADHD or something.
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: Man, I wish I remember the exact statistic, but it was really, really high.
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: It was more than 75%.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: And it's because of our brain, because of the beautiful way that our brains are wired differently.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: We can think.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: We just naturally approach things not from traditional standpoints, out of the beautiful way that our brains are wired differently.
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: We can think.
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: We just naturally approach things not from traditional standpoints, out of the box thinking and, yes, the flip side of that is maybe some linear thoughts are harder for us than other people, but the beautiful part is that creativity flows so much more.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: So people with ADHD are historically like super creative and it manifests differently and, yes, you get to grow and how you manage that.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: But I felt like the Lord was, like I knew what your brain was going to look like when I gave them you as their mom and you are perfect, the perfect one for the job.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: So do not believe that you are misshaping them from that.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: So I just wanted you to take that moment where he knew what he was doing.
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: When he chose you to be their mom, you were his number one choice for the role.
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: He didn't make a mistake.
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: Your personality, your history, your flavor of motherhood is not a hindrance.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: All of who you are is exactly part of his plan.
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: You're doing a good job.
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: On this Mother's Day, I would love for you to actually be proud of yourself and how you're showing up in this role and believe that you're doing a good job and see how that shifts.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: Whatever your family brings to honor you, it shifts to being the cherry on top versus the evidence of you believing this.
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: You're convinced of it.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: You don't need someone else to convince you of you doing a good job.
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: You believe it first.
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: So then you just feel love and honored versus this grasp for helping you find this settled.
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: You're going to settle in yourself first.
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: Okay, everybody, happy Mother's Day.
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: I hope you have a great time.
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: I'd love to hear from you.
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: If you experimented with anything, send me a DM, tell me what you tried.
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: I'm here for it.
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's Habit Lab.