Latest / Reverse Jackass / Ep50: The Reverse Jackass Podcast's 50th Episode (Nick and Evelyn sell out).

Transcript

Ep50: The Reverse Jackass Podcast's 50th Episode (Nick and Evelyn sell out). · Reverse Jackass

0:00
SPEAKER_02: It's reverse.
0:07
SPEAKER_01: All right, here we go, folks.
0:09
SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the reverse jackass podcast.
0:11
SPEAKER_01: Evelyn, the Canadian Blade, is here with me.
0:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm Nick.
0:14
SPEAKER_01: And today, Evelyn.
0:16
SPEAKER_01: Stop.
0:17
SPEAKER_01: Today is today, Evelyn, as you know, is a very, very important episode.
0:23
SPEAKER_01: Tell the people why it's important.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: It's important because this is uh the last episode of reverse.
0:29
SPEAKER_00: Just kidding.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: Just kidding.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: You can't get rid of us.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: Dickheads.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: You can't get rid of us that easily.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: Like let's let's uh let's not get ahead of ourselves.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: We're never going away.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: So um, and we're gonna record this podcast long after even one of us is dead.
0:47
SPEAKER_01: Sure, sure.
0:48
SPEAKER_01: Maybe one of us already is and we don't know it.
0:50
SPEAKER_01: But Evelyn, tell people why this is a special episode.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, I can tell you're all business today because you're like, I'm ready.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm ready to pull.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: I've been waiting for this for weeks.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: I know.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: There's no time, there's no time to be funny today.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: Um, well, it's a special it's a special episode.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: Some people would say that I never have time to be funny.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, I might be some of those people.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: It's a special episode today because it's this is our 50th episode that's out.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: Five-zero.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: Five-zero.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: And you know, some of you have only listened to single digits, and to that I say, shame.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, shame.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: You're pathetic.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: You can do better.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: You can do better.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: Some of you have listened to all 50 multiple times for certain episodes, too.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: And those are our favorite people, those are our favorite people, and we have taken the time outside of the recording to to add those people into our wills, our will and final testament.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: So we'll talk more about that later.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: But Nick, in honor of our 50th episode, uh, we have some really exciting news to share.
1:51
SPEAKER_00: Share it, Evelyn.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: I oh, I'm I get to share it.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, yes, please.
1:55
SPEAKER_00: We've had interest in the reverse jackass podcast regarding sponsorship of this podcast.
2:01
SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: Oh man, you know what happens when you monetize something?
2:06
SPEAKER_00: It gets better and better and better.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: It gets better and not at all deters from the direction that you originally experienced this thing in.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
2:14
SPEAKER_01: And so you all are set to reap the vicarious rewards of us getting paid to do this podcast.
2:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
2:22
SPEAKER_01: Congratulations to you.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're the real winners here.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: You're the real real champs here.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: But we decided to bring you into it.
2:30
SPEAKER_00: And Nick and I have spent hours talking about, you know, what we want in a sponsor, how we want to approach this.
2:38
SPEAKER_00: We want to be uh careful and sensitive and discerning.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: So nothing like what we've been in the last 49 episodes.
2:48
SPEAKER_00: Total, total 180.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, total 180.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: And we have narrowed it down to like 10 or 11 finalists, one could call them.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: Finalists.
2:58
SPEAKER_00: And we thought we would leave it in the in the hands of you, our listeners, to tell us really what way we should go.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: We really need your help.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: And we proposed to these corporations that they give us an ad to test run.
3:13
SPEAKER_00: And on this episode, this very episode, we're going to be reading these ads, and you get to tell us basically which one, which business we should accept.
3:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, which of these you think is the sort of the hottest ad?
3:26
SPEAKER_01: Which of them makes you the most excited about the product or service?
3:29
SPEAKER_01: Um, if any of them inspired you to avail yourself of these products or services, and basically just which of these is a good fit for us as a podcasting team.
3:37
SPEAKER_01: So thank you in advance for your input.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, we really will take it seriously.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: Um, and the beautiful thing is that we have sponsors from uh both sides of the border.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: This is it was fair game.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: Clamoring.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, clamoring.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: That's exactly what it was.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: Uh, to the point of begging and death threats.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: Like they really the pendulum swung wide in both directions.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: As we do on this podcast.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: So um, Nick, how do we want to how do we want to start here?
4:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, do you Do you want to do the first one or do you want me to?
4:09
SPEAKER_00: Well, I think you should do the first one.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: I think you should.
4:13
SPEAKER_00: I would I would love it if you read the first one.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: So this first ad for your for your uh engagement, for your review, is uh for Canadian Summer.
4:25
SPEAKER_01: No, like like just summer in Canada in general.
4:27
SPEAKER_01: Just the season of summer in Canada from the Canadian Summer Board.
4:31
SPEAKER_01: So without any further ado, here's the ad.
4:34
SPEAKER_01: The Reverse Jackass podcast is brought to you by Canadian Summer.
4:38
SPEAKER_01: Is it summer yet?
4:40
SPEAKER_01: It's mid-June and the denim is starting to stick to the small of your back.
4:44
SPEAKER_01: You know what that means.
4:45
SPEAKER_01: Canadian summer is approaching, and you'd better be ready.
4:49
SPEAKER_01: As the snow on the periphery of your lawn starts to melt and the humidity sets in, it's time to start thinking about what you want to do with the 48-ish hours that constitutes Canadian summer.
4:59
SPEAKER_01: Will you host a barbecue?
5:00
SPEAKER_01: What about a hoe down?
5:02
SPEAKER_01: Is this the year you visit one of our many forgotten quadrangle-shaped provinces?
5:06
SPEAKER_01: Whatever it is, choose fast because Canadian summer will be over before it begins.
5:11
SPEAKER_01: You could swim in a 15-degree lake or get snarled up by a Quebecois or go boogie boarding on some of our two-inch lake waves.
5:17
SPEAKER_01: Don't think, act, Canadian summer is almost over.
5:20
SPEAKER_01: Remember, you'll need to leave at least 18 hours to drive on the 401 to wherever you're headed and pack the aloe because your pale face will be burning through the windshield of your car.
5:28
SPEAKER_01: Why are you still sitting there?
5:30
SPEAKER_01: Canadian summer is almost over.
5:31
SPEAKER_01: Grab your children and leave home.
5:33
SPEAKER_01: Just go anywhere.
5:34
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter where.
5:35
SPEAKER_01: Don't pack.
5:35
SPEAKER_01: Just bring a change of clothes.
5:37
SPEAKER_01: Fast.
5:37
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I just saw a snowflake.
5:39
SPEAKER_01: And there's another one.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: Okay, get the tire chains out and we'll try again next year.
5:43
SPEAKER_01: Canadian summer.
5:44
SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be a hot one, wasn't it?
5:50
SPEAKER_01: So there you go.
5:50
SPEAKER_01: That one seemed like a hit with Evelyn.
5:53
SPEAKER_01: Oh it's like they were speaking right to me.
5:58
SPEAKER_00: All of us in Canada.
6:00
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so you felt scene.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: That felt like I could fell again.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: That is that is that is really important.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: Really important in an ad.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: Oh, but that was so good.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, we start off with a strong contender.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if we have to even read anymore.
6:14
SPEAKER_00: It might that just might be it, actually.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: We're just the new Canadian summer podcast.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: That's just that's it.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: That's what we do.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: We just complain about the 48 hours of summer.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: Well, I have one on on my end that I've received from the law firm of Miles Fahrenheit Foot and Yard.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: Um so I would I would love to read it.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: The reverse jackass podcast is brought to you by the law firm of Miles Fahrenheit Foot and Yard.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: Were you injured trying to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit?
6:41
SPEAKER_00: Humiliated by a recipe measured in grams?
6:44
SPEAKER_00: Emotionally rattled by the metric system making absolute perfect sense?
6:48
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever stood in a grocery store wondering whether 16 ounces is a lot of sour cream?
6:53
SPEAKER_00: Have you tried to explain why a person is five foot eight, a road trip is 300 miles, and a football field is 100 yards, but somehow none of those things are the same thing?
7:03
SPEAKER_00: Well, you should call miles Fahrenheit foot and yard today.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: Our attorneys specialize in measurement confusion, unit-related humiliation, and defending your God-given right to preheat an oven to a number that sounds more like a credit score than a temperature.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: Miles, Fahrenheit, foot, and yard.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: Proudly protecting America from the tyranny of a logical measuring system.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: Oh all right.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: Take that one on the chin.
7:33
unknown: Yeah.
7:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I mean, it's not, I mean, I'm sorry, you felt seen.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: You clearly felt seen there too.
7:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, that was uh that was uh right through the heart, that one.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: Um right through the heart.
7:43
SPEAKER_00: Well, I have a feeling that a lot of these might be Yeah, exactly.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's it's gonna get worse on both sides of this.
7:49
SPEAKER_01: Okay, that's good.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: Okay, that's good.
7:51
SPEAKER_01: Well that it's good to know that I because I literally have been humiliated by a recipe that used grams.
7:56
SPEAKER_01: Oh, and so I know that pain very well.
7:59
SPEAKER_01: Okay, well, so that's a contender.
8:01
SPEAKER_01: I I like that.
8:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:02
SPEAKER_01: Should I try to move on to the next one?
8:03
SPEAKER_01: I think you I think we gotta keep going here.
8:05
SPEAKER_01: We got a few to get through.
8:06
SPEAKER_01: All right, so our next ad is for Canadian sports.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: I can see I already know you're partial to this because you talk about this almost every conversation that we have.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so this might be another one offers money.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: I hope you I hope you can place your put your bias aside and we can look at this objectively.
8:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, again, this was this copy was largely provided by the Canadian Sports Authority.
8:29
SPEAKER_01: These really don't reflect my attitudes.
8:31
SPEAKER_01: This is, you know, what I've been told to advertise.
8:33
SPEAKER_01: So Yes, of course, of course, of course.
8:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:36
SPEAKER_01: Here we go.
8:37
SPEAKER_01: This podcast is brought to you by Canadian sports teams.
8:40
SPEAKER_01: Attention, sports lovers.
8:42
SPEAKER_01: Do you love watching professional sports but find yourself getting angry that all the best teams are American?
8:47
SPEAKER_01: Well, you may not have known it, but Canada has its own sports teams for you to root for.
8:51
SPEAKER_01: They're smaller and less accomplished than their counterparts from the States, but they make up for that with sheer Canadian can-do attitude.
8:57
SPEAKER_01: And don't even get me started on how cheap the ticket prices are.
9:00
SPEAKER_01: All the best seats are perennially available.
9:03
SPEAKER_01: Don't waste your time waiting in line for Bruins or Red Wing tickets.
9:06
SPEAKER_01: Be first in line to get tickets to the Maple Leafs, a team that plays the exact same hockey as American teams, but at a much lower level.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: And best of all, they're local.
9:15
SPEAKER_01: And that's not all.
9:16
SPEAKER_01: Canada has six other hockey teams in addition to the Maple Leafs.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: Be the first person in our hemisphere to memorize the names of all seven.
9:23
SPEAKER_01: Even if you're not into hockey, Canadian sports has something to offer you.
9:26
SPEAKER_01: Do you like basketball?
9:27
SPEAKER_01: Toronto has its own NBA team that has sent exactly five players to the Hall of Fame in over 30 years of operations.
9:34
SPEAKER_01: Whoa, Nelly, James Naismith would be proud.
9:37
SPEAKER_01: Or if basketball is too fast-paced for you, grab a plate of poutine and turn on a Toronto Blue Jays game.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: Just as fierce as their name implies, the Jays finished as runners-up in this past year's World Series, bringing Canada's second best overall spirit to the world stage.
9:51
SPEAKER_01: As you can see, Canadian sports has something to offer everyone.
9:54
SPEAKER_01: Come check out a game.
9:55
SPEAKER_01: We'll pay you to go.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: Canadian sports.
9:58
SPEAKER_01: It's second best, and it's almost definitely in Toronto, but it's there.
10:02
SPEAKER_02: But it's there.
10:04
SPEAKER_02: But it's there.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: Whoa.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: I mean, oh gosh, that was that was that was painful.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: That was that was, I gotta say, I don't know if I'm gonna accept sponsorship from that one because that was just they seem like they have an agenda, if I may say so.
10:19
SPEAKER_01: There's and frankly, a surprising agenda for a Canadian Morgan, right?
10:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't know.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but I they really covered a lot in there.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: They really covered a lot.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: They sure did.
10:31
SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh.
10:33
SPEAKER_01: Watching you take that deep breath is the best part of this podcast.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: There's oh I'm gonna have to have to lay off the coffee to sip on this episode for sure.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: Well, we have we have another one.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: Now, this one is it might be a little hard for our Canadian listeners to relate to because it's something we don't have here.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, this is a specific sponsorship, not just by Starbucks, but by their Trenta sized beverages, which we don't have here.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: This podcast is brought to you by the Starbucks Trenta Beverage.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: At 32 ounces, it is our largest beverage size because Bucket tested poorly with focus groups.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: Do you need an iced coffee for your commute, your work day, and that strange little weird hidden second life you live between 3 and 5 p.m.?
11:20
SPEAKER_00: We've got you covered.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: The Trenta is perfect for anyone who ever looked at a drink and thought, that's nice and all.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: But what if it came with a tide chart?
11:28
SPEAKER_00: Starbucks Trenta, only 32 ounces because a swimming pool won't fit through the drive-thru window.
11:34
SPEAKER_01: That's is that a real product?
11:36
SPEAKER_01: The Trenta?
11:37
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
11:38
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: It's like the next size up of a venti.
11:40
SPEAKER_00: Like we, you know, there's the tall, the grande, the venti, and the trenta.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: And we don't have the trenta in Canada.
11:47
SPEAKER_01: And it's a 32.
11:48
SPEAKER_01: So America now has a 32-ounce Starbucks?
11:50
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: You've had it for quite some time.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: So I don't I don't know if that's gonna be one.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: I feel like it didn't even land with the American audience.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: If you didn't even know you had it, how can we make sense of it?
12:01
SPEAKER_01: I just don't drink no oh god.
12:03
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
12:04
SPEAKER_01: No, people will love it.
12:04
SPEAKER_01: I just don't I don't drink coffee, but I do love I do love an elephantine beverage.
12:10
SPEAKER_01: Um anyone that knows me knows that my soda consumption is irresponsible at best.
12:15
SPEAKER_01: Um so I just didn't know other people in the coffee world were doing it too.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: And 32 ounces of coffee is a lot of coffee.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: 32 like how big is a big gulp?
12:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm gonna tell you, but I'm gonna equivocate a little bit.
12:27
SPEAKER_01: So a big gulp is around 64 ounces.
12:30
SPEAKER_01: Or sorry, that's not a big gulp, that's a double gulp.
12:32
SPEAKER_01: A double gulp is like 64.
12:33
SPEAKER_01: But but remember that diet soda has like a third of the caffeine in it that uh that costs.
12:39
SPEAKER_01: Right.
12:39
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
12:40
SPEAKER_01: So it's not like drinking 64 ounces of coffee.
12:43
SPEAKER_01: It's still bad and bad for you, and you shouldn't do it, even though I do it all the time.
12:47
SPEAKER_01: But it's more like like the amount of caffeine that would be blazing through your system with 32 ounces of Starbucks coffee.
12:53
SPEAKER_01: Folks, if you've enjoyed the Trenta, let us know.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: Let us know how you survived it.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: We want to know, and we also want to know how your pacemaker's doing.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
13:02
SPEAKER_00: Uh who's on your who's on your health team?
13:04
SPEAKER_00: Who's your major health care provider?
13:06
SPEAKER_00: And and when's your next appointment?
13:08
SPEAKER_00: Probably next week.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: House your insurance.
13:10
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: All right.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: Should we move on?
13:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, who's next, Nick?
13:14
SPEAKER_00: Who's next?
13:15
SPEAKER_01: Well, so this was this was a uh bid that was submitted to us by the Travel Board of Newfoundland.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, this is exciting.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: Get the Newfoundlanders chime in here.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: I want to hear what you think.
13:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so here we go.
13:29
SPEAKER_01: Uh here here is our Newfoundland ad.
13:31
SPEAKER_01: This podcast is brought to you by the province of Newfoundland.
13:34
SPEAKER_01: When you hear the word island, what do you think of?
13:37
SPEAKER_01: If you're anything like me, the word island conjures up images of a relaxing beach paradise where the ocean quietly laps at the shore as people relax in bathing suits and soak up the sun.
13:46
SPEAKER_01: Sounds great, doesn't it?
13:48
SPEAKER_01: But what would you say if I told you that there's an island right here in Canada that is absolutely none of that?
13:53
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
13:54
SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about Newfoundland.
13:56
SPEAKER_01: If island living feels like your style, but you're terrified of the sun, you'll love Newfoundland.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: If you've always dreamt of being cast away on a desert island, but every item of clothing you own is three inches thick, Newfoundland is the place for you.
14:08
SPEAKER_01: Am I getting warmer?
14:09
SPEAKER_01: Or I mean, am I getting colder?
14:12
SPEAKER_01: Do you like the gentle smell of salt water rushing through your frozen nose hairs?
14:16
SPEAKER_01: D-Di does, my cocks.
14:17
SPEAKER_01: Newfoundland is blistering cold ten months out of the year.
14:21
SPEAKER_01: When you get here, you'll definitely want to take part in our screeching in ritual.
14:24
SPEAKER_01: It's all the best parts of the Newfoundland experience in one.
14:27
SPEAKER_01: Inscrutable patois, non-perishable meat, frozen seafood, rot gut liquor, and an awful bar filled with people who know the pain of losing a toe.
14:36
SPEAKER_01: Best of all, you still get to pay premium prices for everything, since it all has to be shipped in via a months-long process that includes multiple boats.
14:44
SPEAKER_01: Whatever you love, Newfoundland is guaranteed to be the opposite.
14:47
SPEAKER_01: So grab your family, your one furlined thing, the rest of your fur-lined bullshit, and probably some matches and provisions, and join us at the island that the Sentinelese call inhospitable in the extreme.
14:57
SPEAKER_01: Newfoundland.
14:58
SPEAKER_01: When you're here, you're marooned.
15:02
SPEAKER_00: You're marooned.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: Wow, they really I got I gotta go there tomorrow.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: Like I've never had such a burning desire to go visit.
15:10
SPEAKER_01: I got chills, no pun intended.
15:12
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I got chills because it's still winter there and it's the end of June right now.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: Oh, strong contender.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: And I would love nothing more than to have a podcast sponsored by the entire province of Newfoundland.
15:26
SPEAKER_01: Oh, sure.
15:27
SPEAKER_01: But how could we get how could we get 12 people on board all at the same time?
15:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, especially when most of them are out there fishing.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: Right.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh yeah, not this is not for fun.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is or we don't eat.
15:42
SPEAKER_00: That's what this is.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: Oh gosh.
15:44
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's a good one, Nick.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: That's a good one.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: I got another one uh cued up here.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: Please.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: Um, and another one, this is straight from the United States of America, not a Canadian company at all.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: I can't I can't stress that enough.
15:59
SPEAKER_00: The reverse jackass podcast is brought to you by outspokenness.
16:07
unknown: Okay.
16:07
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had a belief, a grievance, or a half-remembered statistic you simply could not keep contained inside your own body?
16:16
SPEAKER_00: Well, with outspokenness, you don't have to.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: Our patented confidence technology helps you share your thoughts at dinner parties, school board meetings, public parks, online comment sections, or just when seated beside someone who is visibly trying to enjoy a bowl of soup.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: Outspokenness gives you confidence to tell everyone exactly where you stand at all times.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: Outspokenness.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: Because keeping it to yourself is exactly how communism starts.
16:44
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's subtle in a way I'm not accustomed to being where I'm from.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's why subtlety is not a sponsor.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: That's a diggin' us, fellow Americans.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: I mean, if subtlety was a sponsor, I'd be reading that one, but they didn't submit anything.
17:00
SPEAKER_00: But outspokenness was one of the first submissions we got, actually.
17:04
SPEAKER_01: I gotta say, very little illustrates uh the differences regionally between us than the contrast between the Newfoundland spot and the outspokenness in terms of subtlety.
17:16
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
17:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that really kind of had a whole bunch of nails on all their heads at this point.
17:21
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, powerful stuff.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: Are we ready for our next one?
17:24
SPEAKER_00: We're ready.
17:24
SPEAKER_01: We're totally ready.
17:25
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so this is an ad spot from Tim Hortons.
17:30
SPEAKER_01: This podcast is brought to you by Tim Hortons.
17:32
SPEAKER_01: Hey there.
17:33
SPEAKER_01: You may think you're hidden over there, but Tim Hortons sees you.
17:36
SPEAKER_01: Come closer.
17:37
SPEAKER_01: Hold out your mug.
17:38
SPEAKER_01: You're quivering for donut holes, aren't you?
17:41
SPEAKER_01: Tim Hortons knows what you want.
17:42
SPEAKER_01: We could give you a two by two, but that wouldn't satisfy you.
17:46
SPEAKER_01: You want a four by four.
17:48
SPEAKER_01: Or maybe something even bigger.
17:50
SPEAKER_01: Whatever it is, Tim Hortons will fill you up and send you back to your family.
17:53
SPEAKER_01: And don't worry.
17:54
SPEAKER_01: We won't tell anyone you were here.
17:56
SPEAKER_01: Drop by unannounced in the middle of the night.
17:58
SPEAKER_01: Or you can stay here all day if you want to.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: Whatever it is, Tim Hortons serves at your pleasure.
18:03
SPEAKER_01: Tim Hortons.
18:05
SPEAKER_01: Hort me, Daddy.
18:06
SPEAKER_01: Don't stop.
18:07
SPEAKER_01: I'm so close.
18:11
SPEAKER_02: Oh no.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: Oh no.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: Oh gosh.
18:19
SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's Tim Hortons trying to pivot in a different direction.
18:23
SPEAKER_00: You know, like they're all, oh, we'd have coffee and breakfast sandwiches.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: And they they submitted an ad that was like the Dr.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: Sue midnight Tim Hortons.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: Maybe you're just going to Tim Hortons on a different shift than I am.
18:38
SPEAKER_01: Like it sounds like you're an inveterate morning shift on the way to work kind of person.
18:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: Well, those of you who are there at night, I can tell by the you know the men passed out in the corner and the someone satiated?
18:52
SPEAKER_00: No.
18:52
SPEAKER_00: But more secretly cramming a McDonald's cheeseburger from next door in their mouths.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: So cramming in secret.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's a lot of that is the Tim Hortons way.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm gonna take my generously gifted Tim Hortons gift card that I got from you, and uh I'm gonna check it out at two o'clock this morning and I'm gonna report back.
19:14
SPEAKER_01: I hope that you do.
19:15
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
19:15
SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: Well, let's see what we have next on the list here.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I have it, I have another one ready to go that I don't know if it's as dark as that one, but we're really wanting something for everybody here.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: We have a wide listenership, and yeah, oh, it's just important that we try and you know cover as much ground as we can.
19:33
SPEAKER_00: So this one, next this next one might surprise you that they were interested in sending in a submission, but I thought it was important to represent them and maybe finally get some clarity on this.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, this podcast is brought to you by the Electoral College.
19:47
SPEAKER_00: Oh it's not a college, not electoral in the way you would think, and no, you can't apply, graduate, or major in whatever it is.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: Here at the Electoral College, we believe democracy should be simple, which is why we've created a system where the person with the most votes can lose, swing states become everyone's problem, and every four years, Americans have to rely on a man named Chuck down at the news station to decipher a glowing map like he's trying to land a plane in a thunderstorm.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: So whether you're confused or angry, or just pretending you understand what Pennsylvania is doing, the Electoral College is here for you.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: The Electoral College.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: We're not sure what we do either.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: I didn't say that is right between the eyes.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I uh I think I I might have picked the ads from a pile that had a bit more vitriol than maybe the ones you chose were.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just all coming out.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: Maybe by episode 50, this is where I am not apologizing.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: No, I love it.
20:42
SPEAKER_01: Take a minute.
20:43
SPEAKER_01: No apologies necessary.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: I think you I think that those who would want to advertise the Electoral College opted for the most truthful version of their um what they offer.
20:51
SPEAKER_01: And that ad reflects that.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: So I think so.
20:53
SPEAKER_01: And well read, Evelyn.
20:54
SPEAKER_01: Well read.
20:55
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
20:55
SPEAKER_01: Uh, do you have any more left in the pile over there, Nick?
20:57
SPEAKER_01: I have one more that was submitted, and it was submitted to be read in your voice.
21:02
SPEAKER_01: So I'm hoping that you will open the email I just sent you and scan all the way down to the bottom ad and then read it for us aloud.
21:08
SPEAKER_01: I absolutely would love to.
21:10
SPEAKER_01: So just scroll all the way down, it's on the last page.
21:13
unknown: Okay.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: This podcast is brought to you by Canadian Currency.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: Hi folks, Evelyn Flanagan here.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes in the dull gray of winter, I'm desperate for a pop of color to brighten my day.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: For me, that's when I turn to Canadian paper currency.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever seen a Canadian open their wallet and produce more colorful plumage than a peacock?
21:33
SPEAKER_00: That's the breathtaking splendor of Canadian money.
21:36
SPEAKER_00: Canadian currency comes in an enormous variety of seemingly random colors, and it features more forgettable white people than anyone would have dreamed possible.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: It's like a 1970s stag film for your wallet, and it's printed on plastic, so you know it'll be there catching people's eyeballs as it sticks out of the 18 inches of snow long after we've destroyed all of our natural resources.
21:58
SPEAKER_00: Canadian money.
21:59
SPEAKER_00: Make a colossal.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: out of it use it to sew a complicated Halloween outfit for your baby or just trade it in for park place whatever you use it for Canadian currency won't let you down and it won't make you proud Canadian currency we're loony for it for the record trade it in for park place was my favorite line that I wrote for so good or trade it in for park place it'll stay out of the 18 inches of snow long after we've destroyed all of our natural resources you know they're not wrong they're not wrong that's exactly what's gonna be happening at least we'll be the most colorful post apocalyptic landfill on the globe indisputably there might be one here for you too if I oh well before I do that though I still have a couple left over here but I think one of them is for you and one's for me so I'm gonna do mine and then I think it's only appropriate if you read yours to close us out today.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: I would accept that here's mine this is just another submission that I think really would be a great sponsor maybe one of the top three in my personal opinion but we do have to hear what you have to say and hear what you know our listenership has to say.
23:06
SPEAKER_00: This podcast is brought to you by the Second Amendment.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: Are you looking for a constitutional right that says I support freedom but also I have extremely strong feelings about what happens if someone walks too close to my shed.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Well then you should try the Second Amendment.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: It's perfect for town halls, bumper stickers, family arguments and anyone who has ever said the phrase actually it's about freedom stupid while standing in a Bass Pro shop.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: The Second Amendment because nothing says well regulated like everyone interpreting that sentence differently for over 200 years.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: It's as much an ad for Bass Pro Shops as it is a lot for the Second Amendments isn't it I thought so I thought maybe we could just do like a little bit of a tag team tag team sponsorship there.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: I don't know I just felt like I included this one in my final list because I just thought there would be opportunity for expansion.
23:55
SPEAKER_01: Of course well that's the thing about the Second Amendment there's always opportunity for expansion of our rights to own deadly weapons.
24:01
SPEAKER_01: We don't reduce them we only increase them.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: Okay well I got a last one here and it says to be read by Nick so I'm all right all right I'm ready and I am not previewing this I'm just going for it.
24:11
SPEAKER_01: This podcast is brought to you by RFK Jr's Roadkill Rescue.
24:14
SPEAKER_01: When America sees a dead animal on the side of the road most people say that's sad.
24:18
SPEAKER_01: RFK Jr says pull over at RFK Jr's Roadkill Rescue we believe every raccoon deer and mystery lump deserves a second chance or at least a moment where someone asks is anyone else going to use that before pointing at something absolutely no one should touch.
24:35
SPEAKER_01: Whether it's public health wildlife removal or telling America to treat a preventable disease with raw milk and pond water we're here to help.
24:42
SPEAKER_01: RFK Junior's Roadkill Rescue taking care of roadside cleanup one raccoon penis at a time wow gosh wow I'm so invigorating I know yes yes please it changed how I think about roadkill and preventable disease yeah and and maybe one might say raccoon penises.
25:01
SPEAKER_01: No I'm stalwart on raccoon penises.
25:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah okay wow well so uh gosh so first off and congratulations you did fabulous work there um both in the in the concocting and the delivery of these oh same same this is just if there was an award for this we'd both get it I well I think the reward is money um I think the capitalistic reward that we're both seeking is uh any and all of these agencies to reward us and then you the listeners might get to enjoy a podcast that's actually more ads than cast which is uh what really successful people do with it is that they you know you just get a lot of really long ads and you read them yourself so that people don't know which part is the podcast and which part is the ad.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: And then you clean up and then before you know it uh you know everyone's saying that you're a paid Russian asset.
25:51
SPEAKER_00: Like Russia didn't submit any ads.
25:53
SPEAKER_00: I wonder that we know of that we know of they I mean you never know we might accept ads further down the list too further down the road.
26:02
SPEAKER_01: This podcast is sponsored by Russia.
26:05
SPEAKER_01: Russia are you a numbnuts listening to a stupid low content podcast getting angry all the time then it's probably paid for by us Russia how does such a poor country own so much yeah Russia when's it gonna be over well there you have it folks yeah that's our 50th.
26:27
SPEAKER_00: I mean that's our 50th episode and what better way to celebrate than with uh the potential leaning into capitalism with all your your entire body weight makes me warm well clearly you're not Newfoundland but you might be in Canadian summer Evelyn was in Canadian summer.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: Sorry was it's behind us now it's practically Christmas.
26:53
SPEAKER_00: Yep yeah oh gosh well Nick thanks for a great 50 episodes do you want to do 50 more?
26:59
SPEAKER_01: Hey I do I do I'm officially signing on right now for 50 more episodes you yeah I think I'm down I think I'm down and maybe I said yes you said you think you're down it's exactly what everyone wants to hear probably probably oh you're fully committed I'll let you know tomorrow in in a text good for you that's good oh you showed some vulnerability great yeah I'm not I'm on the fence yeah yeah folks thank you for listening to the Reverse Jackass podcast we love you we love that you listen to us we thank you in advance for any feedback you want to give us on these ads and any other feedback on the podcast is welcome at reversejackass at gmail dot com in the meantime signing off I'm Nick with me as always is Evelyn the Canadian Blade.
27:37
SPEAKER_02: See you later everyone see you in the next 50 see you then some neighbors are besties others quarrel bitterly stuck together through geography one of us has nukes and the other has tokes it's American Canadian diplomacy it's reverse