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When His Eyes Wander: Reclaiming Respect in a Relationship · The Diva Details

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  Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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  Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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  From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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  Well, hello. This is Diva Mia, and today we're going to talk a little bit about,
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  when your man is checking out another woman.
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  I think a lot of women have been through this. Some women haven't, by the way.
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  A lot of women don't have their men that are at that level of rudeness,
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  but there's a difference between a man just glancing at a woman and it becoming
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  a problem when they're completely checking out a woman, because there's a difference
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  between noticing and disrespect.
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  When a man glares at a woman or checks her out for an extended amount of time,
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  especially when you're sitting right next to him, there's a problem in your relationship.
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  Let's talk about something women were tired of feeling and being told that we're
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  overreacting about this.
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  Men checking out other women in relationships is extremely disrespectful.
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  Women, if you're doing it to men or your boyfriend, it's disrespectful on your
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  part too. This is not about control.
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  It's about respect, boundaries, and emotional safety. Because men,
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  quite frankly, if women were glaring at men all day long and you were watching
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  them look at other men, I think you would feel the same way that women do.
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  We just don't do it out of respect, at least most women.
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  There is a difference in biology between men and women. Men tend to be visual creatures.
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  I understand that they like to look at things great, but glancing at a woman,
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  a pretty woman that walked by, and then checking her out from head to toe.
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  And staring at her is completely different.
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  I was in a relationship once where I noticed the man checking out a woman.
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  I just stared at him the whole time while he was staring at someone else.
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  Then I took his picture. And that was the beginning of the end of our relationship
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  because I was like, wow. And it's so disrespectful.
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  And, you know, it's a sign you're with a low value man. It really is, ladies.
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  If the men you're with are checking out other women while you're with them,
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  they are clueless about respecting you. Automatic noticing happens,
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  but intentional staring is when they keep looking after they notice the person.
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  It is extremely disrespectful, and it is instinct, but it's not an excuse.
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  Because impulse is biology, but discipline shows a person's character.
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  If you're with a low-value man or a low-character man, and he's glancing or
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  glaring at other women while you're with him, you should say something.
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  You're going to learn a lot about the men when you say something.
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  Because if you mention it, they may say, you're insecure. They may say all men do this.
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  You're overreacting or they may even mock you and it's a red flag A better response
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  would be I didn't realize it came across that way I'll be more mindful or i'll
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  work on it They need to work on it because when men do this it shows you who
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  they are when I bring this up I'm, not looking to argue.
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  I'm looking to see if my feelings matter to a man if he wants to check out other
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  women Why doesn't he go ask them out instead of me because I just don't want
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  to deal with it anymore And the guys that I'm with,
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  if they're sitting there checking out women, it just shows you how low value
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  of a quality of a person they are. It really is, men. Well, why?
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  If you're so in love with the person you're with, why are you looking up and
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  down other women? It's almost like you're putting them on the menu.
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  For women, we feel strongly about this because when it happens to women,
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  we feel unchosen. We feel like you're disrespecting us.
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  We have no idea what's going on in the middle of your mind either.
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  We don't know what your private thoughts are while you're checking some woman
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  out. if you're thinking about having sex with them, if you're just admiring
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  their body, we don't know.
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  Takes our nervous system and makes us feel unsafe. It may also open up past
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  wounds from betrayals in the past.
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  Maybe we were cheated on. So when we see you checking out other women,
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  it brings back all those memories.
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  Women aren't upset because you guys notice beauty.
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  We're upset because it signals that you guys are emotionally absent in our relationship.
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  Because if you were actually truly tuned in to a woman, you wouldn't be doing
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  that, especially when the woman's sitting right next to you.
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  It may be a habitual behavior.
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  Maybe you've been single for a really long time.
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  Heck, maybe you want to validate your ego by checking out a woman to see if
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  she'll check you out as well. Who knows?
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  But what it does is it causes stress on the relationship.
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  It causes strain on the relationship. It also disconnects you from your partner.
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  It'll begin to emotionally disconnect you, sexually disconnect you.
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  If you want less sex and you want to be less emotionally connected to your partner,
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  then go ahead and keep checking out other women.
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  Because what will happen is she will start to disconnect from you.
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  Women are a little bit different.
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  We start to disconnect based off of even little minor disrespects.
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  Every time it just adds up and eventually we don't take any more.
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  Once that happens, sometimes it only takes one or two disrespects for a woman to walk away.
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  Sometimes it takes 20, but eventually they will walk away.
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  So it is a sexual disconnection for your woman.
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  It's an emotional disconnection and it's disrespectful.
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  In midlife, our identities shift.
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  What we may have allowed when we were younger, we don't allow anymore.
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  Because when we were younger, we were naive. We didn't really know what we wanted.
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  But if you're in a dating relationship, or even if you're married and you're
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  checking out other women, understand this, women get sick and tired of it.
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  They don't tolerate it after a while.
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  Just because a woman may understand that you're just glancing,
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  or, well, glancing would be okay, but that you're just, you know,
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  you're looking at her beauty, It doesn't mean she's going to tolerate it.
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  So if you want to determine that you're a high-value man, a man worth anything,
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  a man with a high-value woman, if you're with a high-value woman,
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  why the hell are you checking out other women in the first place?
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  If your woman is what you want to be with, you're going to lose that woman by all the disrespect.
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  Just realize that. The tone matters more than the words, too.
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  When you talk to your man...
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  And say, hey, look, I don't like you looking at other women.
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  It makes me feel disrespected.
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  Don't demand respect. Just demonstrate the standard and say,
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  I don't check out other men.
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  I don't understand why you need to check out other women. I have boundaries
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  and they're not movable.
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  And don't feel like you need to compete. If you're a high value woman,
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  don't compete with other women. You need to set the standard.
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  Now, if you're a woman and you're checking out other men, then you've kind of
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  set the standard and you don't have a leg to stand on.
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  But if you demand that they treat you with the same amount of respect you treat
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  them, you have to let them know this.
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  Because men a lot of times, quite frankly, are dumb when it comes to women.
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  And they sometimes don't even realize what they're doing. But emotionally mature
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  men, they're not going to be the ones checking out other women.
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  They're also not going to be defensive if you are with them and you say,
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  hey, I'm very uncomfortable with this.
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  But if you're with an emotionally unsafe man, he will be checking out other women.
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  He will disrespect you, and he will do it over and over and over again.
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  There's not a lot you can do. You can let him know. You can let him know a few times.
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  But eventually, you may just have to leave. The issue isn't really him looking.
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  The issue is whether he cares that if he hurts you or not.
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  If you've mentioned it several times, and he continues to do it,
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  he's showing through his actions that he doesn't care that he hurts you.
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  If you've had conversations with them, say, hey, I don't want to be disrespected.
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  Hey, I have this standard. Hey, I expect this. And now women,
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  I know that a lot of women think that men should just know. And I agree.
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  By the time we're 50, men should know. However, a lot of times they've been
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  with women that didn't care and that were low value women.
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  And if they were with low value women before, those women didn't care that they
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  got disrespected over and over again.
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  Then they broke up with that low value woman, obviously.
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  Respect goes two ways. If you're with a man that's in their 50s or their 50s
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  or their 60s and they're still doing this and you tell them they should stop,
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  if they don't, then they don't care about your feelings.
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  If somebody minimizes your feelings, they're not minimizing the issue,
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  they're minimizing you.
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  Remember that whenever you're talking to your partner, if they try to make you
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  feel small because you had a feeling about something or it hurt your feelings,
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  what they did, they're trying to minimize you, not the issue.
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  And that's not an emotionally mature man.
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  The right partner doesn't want access to everyone. They want to go deeper with
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  you. They want to learn you. They want to know you.
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  If they don't, then it might be time to say goodbye.
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  Because if they're into everyone else, why are you hanging on to them?
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  Because that's an emotionally mature man that has to constantly have his ego stroked.
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  If that's the case, then he's not really the one you want to be with.
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  Reflect on all your communication with your partner.
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  And you need to communicate. I say communicate once, but you may have a follow-up
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  as well. But observe their behavior.
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  Don't listen to what they're, oh, I'll never do it again. Because if they keep
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  doing it, you're going to have to make a decision to stay or to go.
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  Just looking is harmless if it was a glance.
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  But looking and checking out up and down. is not harmless.
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  It doesn't automatically mean that they desire to act on it,
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  but the fact that they're thinking about it and looking, it's the beginning
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  of the end in most relationships.
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  It doesn't equal dissatisfaction for sure, but it's not promising when they're
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  checking another woman out, especially when you're sitting right next to them.
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  I mean, how clueless do you have to be, guys?
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  For some men, I think looking is more about their ego and self-validation so
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  they can say, hey, look, I matter, especially if they get a glance back.
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  It's true, especially for men in their midlife transition, I will say,
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  or if they have declining testosterone, or if they feel weak,
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  or if their career is not going the way they wanted it to.
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  But it becomes a habit for some. It's not harmless, and it's not normal.
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  When guys are checking out other women, when they're supposed to be with the
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  woman that they care most about, it's so disrespectful.
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  The disconnection will continue into other areas of your relationship.
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  The disconnection will continue into your bedroom.
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  The disconnection will continue into daily fights. You think that the lingering
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  stare or the flirting is not disrespectful, but you're wrong.
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  Your partner's feelings matter if you're doing this to your man or if your man's doing it to you.
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  Self-control is one of the most attractive things when it comes to emotional
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  maturity. A man who cannot regulate his behavior will not regulate his behavior in the future either.
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  His behavior shows his character, and his character shows that he can control his biology.
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  It doesn't automatically mean that they're going to go cheat on you,
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  but it does open the door.
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  It doesn't automatically mean he loves you less, but it makes you question it.
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  It doesn't automatically mean that you're not attractive, but he makes you feel that way.
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  Just realize, men, you're causing a lot of rifts in relationships.
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  I call it when women, when men check out other women, women.
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  Either or. Wandering eye syndrome. Your eyes wander, but they never seem to wander back.
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  Yes, a man can reassure you, but boy, it does make a rift in a relationship and unnecessarily.
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  Because quite frankly, most of the time that the guys that are checking out
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  these other women, either they're way younger or in bigger boobs or better shape or whatever.
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  Honestly, your man probably couldn't get them anyway. But that's not the issue.
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  It's the disrespect because they're choosing to disrespect you.
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  That level of disrespect is harmful to women.
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  One of the things you can say is, I want to share something calmly, not emotionally.
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  I've noticed when you openly check out other women, it doesn't feel good to
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  me. And I'm not saying you can't notice people.
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  I'm saying the way it happens make me feel less chosen.
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  Feeling secure and respecters matters to me in a relationship.
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  I'm telling you this because I care not to control you, but to be honest about
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  what I need. There's no accusations in that statement.
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  There's no insecurity in that statement. And it lets them know clearly your
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  standards and not that they're guilty.
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  It allows them to self-correct and understand that you have a standard.
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  And you can also say, I've already shared that this bothers me if it happens
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  again. So I want to be clear about my boundary.
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  I'm not comfortable being with a partner who openly checks out other women in
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  front of me. I value presence and respect.
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  And I need to feel chosen when I'm with someone. I'm not asking for perfection.
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  I'm just asking for mindfulness.
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  That's what you would say the second time. That has clearly established a standard.
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  It removes any debate and it shows your maturity and self-worth.
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  Now, if they continue to do it, then it might be time for you to leave.
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  Some men will argue with you. Some men will direct and blame you.
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  But, you know, I always say when I bring this up, I'm not looking to argue.
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  I'm not looking to see if my, I'm just looking to see if my feelings matter to you.
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  And how we handle moments like this tells me a ton about us.
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  And it tells you a ton about the other person.
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  If they blame you, if they project on you, if they gaslight you,
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  meaning they say, oh, it never happened.
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  And you know it happened. Hell, you can record it with devices.
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  Now just record your guy checking out another woman.
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  If they say it never happened or they project that it's your fault because you're
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  not pretty enough or whatever, it's probably time to leave because they're not
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  taking your feelings into consideration at all.
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  The problem with that is long-term, it only seems to get worse.
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  It doesn't seem to get better.
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  I know this is a quick episode, but I just wanted to let you know, ladies, it's out there.
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  There are men that do disrespectful things, and it's up to us to set our boundaries
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  and either to allow it or to say no, and if it continues, to say goodbye.
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  This is Diva Mia. Have a wonderful week.
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  Welcome to Connect. See you next week for more.
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