Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #883 Santa Tightens His Belt

Transcript

#883 Santa Tightens His Belt · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the.
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  Speaker 3: Time poor parent who just wants answers. Now more times
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  Speaker 3: than not, our kids are actually going to tell us
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  Speaker 3: the things that make Christmas special. It's not the gifts,
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  Speaker 3: it's everything else that's around it. And now here's the
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  Speaker 3: stars of our show.
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  Speaker 2: My mom and dad.
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  Speaker 1: With only fifty four days left until Christmas, gift giving
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  Speaker 1: is just around the corner, but the cost of living
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  Speaker 1: crisis is still very much front of mine, with a
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  Speaker 1: lot of parents feeling the pinch. Inflation is it I
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  Speaker 1: don't know if it's record levels, but it feels like that.
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  Speaker 1: If you've got your kids in the car while you
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  Speaker 1: listen to this podcast, we're going to talk about some
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  Speaker 1: of the financial aspects of dealing with costs around Christmas.
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  Speaker 1: That means that this might be a slightly sensitive conversation
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  Speaker 1: for some families, and you might want to consider whether
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  Speaker 1: the kids are going to join you in this discussion,
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  Speaker 1: this conversation with us.
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  Speaker 2: But that's where we're going today.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I don't keep up with all of your interviews,
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  Speaker 3: so usually somebody tells us I saw you on TV.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't even know you had an interview.
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  Speaker 1: This week today's show, we talked about this topic and
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  Speaker 1: I've just thought, oh gosh, they're on it.
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  Speaker 2: This is a topic that's worth discovering again.
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  Speaker 3: But this is a conversation that we have regularly in
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  Speaker 3: our house.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, because last year, how many kids have you lost?
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  Speaker 2: Count a man?
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  Speaker 3: Last year? I had this a really, really good plan.
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  Speaker 3: I thought it was a great plan.
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  Speaker 1: You're about to throw me under the bus, so I
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  Speaker 1: can feel it. I know where this is going already.
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  Speaker 3: We lost our beautiful, beautiful puppy dog a couple of
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  Speaker 3: years ago, and the kids had been wanting one, and
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  Speaker 3: it took us a little while to come round to it.
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  Speaker 3: But I decided that last Christmas was the perfect time
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  Speaker 3: to get a puppy and I thought I had it
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  Speaker 3: all stitched up, one present, the whole family done, dusted.
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  Speaker 2: A dog is kind of pricey, pretty big deal.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we bought this beautiful, little cheeky dog that I
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  Speaker 1: regret buying, called Ruby, who is a what do you
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  Speaker 1: call it?
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  Speaker 2: A king? Yep?
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  Speaker 3: And she should be a show pony.
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  Speaker 2: She was supposed to be the.
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  Speaker 3: Gift and then she was, and then what happened, and
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  Speaker 3: then what happened two days before Christmas, somebody in the
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  Speaker 3: household decided that we just didn't feel like Christmas without
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  Speaker 3: the gifts under the tree.
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  Speaker 2: I got this urge.
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  Speaker 1: Now I hate shopping, I mean shopping centers of the worst,
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  Speaker 1: but I got this urge, and next thing you know,
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  Speaker 1: I was down at Sunshine Plaza, spinning go down at
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  Speaker 1: Sunshine Plaza, spinning up a storm, spinning up a storm.
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  Speaker 1: I think I was because I wanted the credit. I
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  Speaker 1: want the kid I wanted the kids to open a
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  Speaker 1: gift from Dad. It just feels, is now what it's
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  Speaker 1: all about. I've been trying to work it out the
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  Speaker 1: last few years. You've brought gifts for the kids, and
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  Speaker 1: now I know why.
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  Speaker 2: I just love giving them something that I know what's
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  Speaker 2: in the wrapping.
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  Speaker 3: You could just come shopping with me.
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  Speaker 2: Eat shopping, especially with you, you take so long.
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  Speaker 1: Anyway, we need to talk about how we're supposed to
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  Speaker 1: have these conversations with the kids.
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  Speaker 3: I think the first thing we really want to look
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  Speaker 3: at is for so many families, Christmas feels magical, especially
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  Speaker 3: our young kids Santa Clans. He knows exactly what they
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  Speaker 3: want and they find it under the tree the next morning, miraculously, magically,
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  Speaker 3: it's all there, but for whats of families we're really
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  Speaker 3: starting to fill the pinch financially. So the question is
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  Speaker 3: when do we become realistic with the kids about what
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  Speaker 3: Christmas looks like?
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  Speaker 1: So I think the real question here needs to actually
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  Speaker 1: be what does the magic of Christmas mean?
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  Speaker 2: What does it encapsulate and what doesn't it include?
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  Speaker 3: Well, clearly in our house it's the Dad brought us
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  Speaker 3: a present.
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  Speaker 1: If we are ignored that, if we want to make
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  Speaker 1: it all about materialism dad and fulfilling our children's every wish,
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  Speaker 1: then we probably need to be realistic with ourselves.
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  Speaker 2: And this year I'm not going to be doing that.
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  Speaker 2: You have my word.
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  Speaker 3: Are we buying another puppy dog?
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  Speaker 1: No, we're not buying another dog? But there's been like
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  Speaker 1: fourteen fifteen interest rate hikes and I'm not buying presents
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  Speaker 1: the way that I did last year. It's not going
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  Speaker 1: to happen, But I get where you're coming from. There
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  Speaker 1: are going to potentially be some children who are disappointed.
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  Speaker 1: It usually won't be the little kids. Their aspirations, their
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  Speaker 1: dreams of givet so are usually somewhat more tempered. As
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  Speaker 1: kids get older, their opportunities to be expansive in their
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  Speaker 1: gift lists increase, and that's when we start to experience
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  Speaker 1: those those problems.
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  Speaker 3: So what age would you suggest that we actually tackle
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  Speaker 3: the conversation of Christmas budgets with our kids.
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  Speaker 1: What have you noticed about the kids, like when do
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  Speaker 1: they start noticing money talk?
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  Speaker 3: By the time seven eight nine ish.
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  Speaker 2: That's where I was going to go as well.
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  Speaker 1: So one of the things that kids get really hung
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  Speaker 1: up on is whether or not their parents have got
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  Speaker 1: enough money and whether they're going to be okay.
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  Speaker 2: Like some kids are really attuned to this.
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  Speaker 3: We've got a couple in our house and they'll actually
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  Speaker 3: tell us they don't want anything. Yes, they're so.
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  Speaker 1: And when we dig under the surface, it's always about money,
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  Speaker 1: and it's like, hang, no, no, no, no.
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  Speaker 2: This is this is a cool thing.
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  Speaker 1: We're fine with this that don't worry about the money
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  Speaker 1: on this one. But if we're too explicit with the
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  Speaker 1: kids about money conversations, they start running everything through that
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  Speaker 1: money filter.
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  Speaker 2: They don't think that they're going to be okay.
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  Speaker 1: And I guess what I'm saying is younger kids won't
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  Speaker 1: be that sensitive to that. They won't have a clue
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  Speaker 1: what it is but once you get north of six,
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  Speaker 1: kids really do know what money is, and by seven, eight, nine, ten,
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  Speaker 1: they start to be a little bit more restrained because
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  Speaker 1: they understand what financial pressure looks like and how it
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  Speaker 1: makes their parents feel. So I think we need to
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  Speaker 1: emphasize this need for a careful conversation.
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  Speaker 3: I think there are going to be some families listening thinking,
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  Speaker 3: my kid's not attuned to anything. They just want the
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  Speaker 3: latest I Pad, the latest Nintendo game, whatever. So how
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  Speaker 3: do you deal with those challenges?
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  Speaker 2: So again, what's the magic of Christmas?
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  Speaker 1: Like, the magic of Christmas for a child is very
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  Speaker 1: much about getting the surprise under the tree, but it's
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  Speaker 1: also about all the other things. So now is the time,
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  Speaker 1: fifty four days out to say, hey, guys, this Christmas,
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  Speaker 1: we need to have a conversation about gifts. Let's get
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  Speaker 1: the lists together. But don't just give me a list.
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  Speaker 1: Here's how we're going to do it this year. So
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  Speaker 1: over the years, we've done things like a homemade Christmas.
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  Speaker 1: When I was a UNI student and we had nothing,
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  Speaker 1: we decided to do a homemade Christmas and it was
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  Speaker 1: one of the most memorable and delightful Christmas is ever
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  Speaker 1: because of all the work that went into putting those
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  Speaker 1: gifts together.
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  Speaker 2: There's that little phrase that has.
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  Speaker 1: Been going around the internet for years, what is it
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  Speaker 1: that you need to give them something they want and
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  Speaker 1: something they need and something.
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  Speaker 3: To wear and something to read?
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  Speaker 2: Thank you for finishing that. I always get it muddled up.
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  Speaker 1: And when the kids know that they're going to get
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  Speaker 1: those four things, you get to have conversations about values.
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  Speaker 1: What is something that you want, what is something that
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  Speaker 1: you need? What's the difference between a want and a need?
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  Speaker 1: And let's give you something that's practical as well. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: once upon a time when I was kid growing up,
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  Speaker 1: you kind of got all the essentials. You've got your
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  Speaker 1: socks and jobs, even as a kid with one exciting gift,
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  Speaker 1: and maybe book that concept.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think that there's anything the matter with moving
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  Speaker 2: away from.
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  Speaker 1: An overly indulgent materialistic mindset and saying we're just going
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  Speaker 1: to pull it right back. Even doing that, though, we've
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  Speaker 1: got six kids, and when you do something they want
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  Speaker 1: and something they need and something to wear and something
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  Speaker 1: to read, that can be astronomical. So even that can
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  Speaker 1: be a lot.
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  Speaker 3: I remember reading a post a handful of years ago.
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  Speaker 3: It was a letter to parents, and just the acknowledgment
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  Speaker 3: that if Sander is attributed to all of the expensive
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  Speaker 3: things that we get for our children, there are plenty
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  Speaker 3: of children who are not as fortunate to have a
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  Speaker 3: Santa in their home who's able to gift them that
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  Speaker 3: kind of gift, and the impact that that has on
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  Speaker 3: those children and their sense of well being and mattering.
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  Speaker 1: So that same post, I remember that, and at the
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  Speaker 1: end of it said, so any substantial gifts, make sure
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  Speaker 1: they don't come from Santa. Make sure they come from
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  Speaker 1: the parents or the caregivers, so that there's an understanding
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  Speaker 1: in the playground. There's an understanding when kids saying what
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  Speaker 1: did Santa bring you? That Sander brings some tokenistic kind
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  Speaker 1: of gifts, but it's my parents because they're the ones
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  Speaker 1: with the means.
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  Speaker 2: Otherwise, Santa looks like he's speaking.
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  Speaker 3: And choosing who he's going to gift, who's going to bless.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, the wealthy kids get all the good stuff basically,
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  Speaker 1: and I really love that. In terms of having the conversation, though,
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  Speaker 1: I want to go back to the three e's of
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  Speaker 1: effective discipline. I think that this is a three ye's conversation.
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  Speaker 1: So when we're talking about how the Christmas list might look.
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  Speaker 1: We sit down with the kids and we explore their desires,
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  Speaker 1: and we explain how Christmas is going to work this
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  Speaker 1: year in our home, and we empower them to develop
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  Speaker 1: a list based on the principles or the framework or
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  Speaker 1: the structure that we've given them, and we have lots
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  Speaker 1: of empathy when it doesn't feel fair.
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  Speaker 3: So I wasn't on the TV show with you on Monday,
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  Speaker 3: but I think I would actually be having a really
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  Speaker 3: different conversation with my kids.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, tell me.
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  Speaker 3: I would actually sit down with them and ask them
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  Speaker 3: what are the things that they love about Christmas. I
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  Speaker 3: want to know what things stand out to them. And
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  Speaker 3: I can tell you right now, not one of them
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  Speaker 3: will tell me that it was a specific gift that
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  Speaker 3: they got. It will be spending time with family. It'll
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  Speaker 3: be the fact that they get to have the special
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  Speaker 3: dessert that only comes out at Christmas time. It'll be
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  Speaker 3: seeing Nan and Pop. Like more times than not, our
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  Speaker 3: kids are actually going to tell us the things that
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  Speaker 3: make Christmas special. It's not the gifts, it's everything else
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  Speaker 3: that's around it. And by having that conversation with them,
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  Speaker 3: that's the magic of Christmas, and therefore we can then
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  Speaker 3: lead into the gift giving and talk about how maybe
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  Speaker 3: this year we might actually change the way our gift
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  Speaker 3: giving goes.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, so gifts can still be a part of Christmas,
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  Speaker 1: but that's not what it's really all about. For those
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  Speaker 1: with a religious basis as well, then that conversation leads
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  Speaker 1: beautifully into the religious values associated with Christmas. I think
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  Speaker 1: there's a couple of other things to highlight here. If
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  Speaker 1: you've got older kids, what I might also encourage is
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  Speaker 1: giving them a fantas see what they can't have in reality.
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  Speaker 1: I've talked about that a thousand times on the podcast,
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  Speaker 1: so I won't go into it here. You can do
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: a quick search and find that very phrase, and you'll
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  Speaker 1: find what I'm talking about, just saying, oh, don't you
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  Speaker 1: just wish wouldn't it be amazing if?
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  Speaker 2: But that's not what we're doing this Christmas.
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  Speaker 1: Like, yes, I know that you are sixteen and on
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  Speaker 1: your l's and you a like a new car and
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: the Ferrari looks good, But we don't buy kids cars.
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  Speaker 1: You're gonna have to save up for it, which leads
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  Speaker 1: into a maybe not a Christmas conversation, but an important
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: conversation about encouraging entrepreneurship, getting kids involved in earning their
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: own money, developing their own businesses, finding ways that they
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: can add value to the lives of other people who
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: will then transfer money into their bank account so that
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  Speaker 1: they can have those very expensive things that they want
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  Speaker 1: that don't fall under our Christmas remit.
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  Speaker 3: But the reality is sometimes as parents we still kind
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  Speaker 3: of beat ourselves up, right. We want to give our
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: kids the world.
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  Speaker 1: That's why I wanted shopping last year, beating myself up.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know what's under the tree in those things.
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  Speaker 3: So how do we lower or ease up the parental
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  Speaker 3: guildt that we feel when we want to be able
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  Speaker 3: to gift our kids things that we just are not
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  Speaker 3: in a position to give them.
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  Speaker 1: Here's my cheesy line for the day. Kids don't need
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  Speaker 1: presents nearly as much as they need your presence.
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  Speaker 3: It's pretty cheap.
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  Speaker 1: It is pretty cheesy, isn't it. But I think that,
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  Speaker 1: I mean you sort of said this before. That's at
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  Speaker 1: the heart of the most magical Christmas experiences.
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  Speaker 3: I really believe that. Like I think about the times
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  Speaker 3: we've been away from our home for Christmas, and one
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  Speaker 3: year we were actually overseas, like this was a really
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  Speaker 3: big deal. It was the first time we'd ever left
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  Speaker 3: the country.
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  Speaker 2: And we went Christmas. We were gone on Chris mistake,
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  Speaker 2: and the.
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  Speaker 3: Kids were sad because they wanted to be at home. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: it was that simple. And so I think that that
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  Speaker 3: conversation is really really powerful. If we can tap into
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  Speaker 3: the things that make Christmas so special, then it actually
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  Speaker 3: helps to put things in perspective for everybody, including mom
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  Speaker 3: and dad.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and be kind to yourself, like inflation is not
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  Speaker 1: your fault. And the cost of petrol at two dollars
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  Speaker 1: twenty a leader or two dollors thirty a leader or whatever,
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  Speaker 1: it's not your fault. And interest rates and rental increases
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  Speaker 1: and not your fault. So if things are expensive, and
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  Speaker 1: if the budget is tied, it's not your fault.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think that we can beat.
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  Speaker 1: Ourselves up for that. It's outside of our control. Let's
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: work on what is within our control. Hope that there's
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: been a helpful conversation. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: by Justin Roland for Bridge Media with Craig Bruce is
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: our executive producer. If you want more info about making
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: your family happier. Please visit us at happy families dot com,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: dot a