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Suicide, Addiction and Recovery: The Struggles of being an Artist in Recovery · Recovering Out Loud

0:01
Welcome to Recovering a Loud podcast.
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The opinions expressed here are those of the individuals and not
0:06
of any organization. The best question that I get to
0:18
ask myself whenever I feel like that, those kind of envious
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thoughts, it's like, am I willing to do the work and the
0:24
sacrifices that it took? Yeah.
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Do I do I really want this persons life or do I just want
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this thing? I probably don't want their
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life. They probably sacrificed
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everything to happen. Like do I actually want like do
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I value wealth over everything else?
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Yeah, bro, not really. In today's episode, we sit down
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with our good friend Will L, an artist, podcaster, and creative.
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We discussed what it's like being in recovery.
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We talked about suicide, other mental health issues, power of
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gratitude, emotions and how to let them out.
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We discussed losing brothers in recovery.
0:55
We talked about anger and coping mechanisms, misconceptions about
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addiction, honey and sacrifice to follow your dreams.
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If you like the show, please rate, follow or like in whatever
1:08
medium you listen to. Thank you and enjoy the show.
1:11
We're fucking doing it, boys. We're in the studio.
1:14
We're we're like, I feel like pros now, man.
1:16
No, we got Will here. We got the setup boys.
1:18
Thank you, Will. In the majors bro, Thank you.
1:21
Will air fucking bitch. No, we love you buddy.
1:25
Thanks for coming on. And you know, we were talking
1:27
about this outside today, but I was thinking about this this
1:29
morning too. You're, and I'm not just saying
1:32
this, 'cause you're here, but you're the reason that I wanted
1:35
to start podcasting and that I thought it was realistic.
1:37
So I appreciate you, man. Like we came up with this idea
1:40
when, you know, you started talking about it with us.
1:43
So thank you. And you know you got a
1:45
successful podcast right now The Loft cast.
1:47
It's brand new. I wouldn't, I appreciate that
1:49
and I wouldn't call it successful yet, but I love you
1:52
guys. It's coming.
1:53
The Loft cast, you know, we're all on all platforms.
1:56
We're going crazy. I won't be able to get a job
1:58
ever again. So if you guys like dark humor,
2:02
TuneIn there, I won't be doing that.
2:04
Those bits here. Yeah.
2:05
But if you like that, go there. You're here, you're here for a
2:08
in a different capacity, right? This is one of the only times
2:11
you guys will see me serious in the near future on.
2:14
Camera ever. And this man also just dropped
2:16
the new album as well just a week ago.
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Go check that out. Run That Up visual came out like
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a week ago and yeah, we're gonna have more visuals.
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So absolutely lots of music and some, yeah, some serious songs.
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You'll see me be serious in music, but you won't really see
2:30
me serious in interviews. So this is a nice little switch
2:32
out. So tell what's the, what do you
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like about the two things? So you're very creative person
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you I would call you a creator and artist for sure.
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What like what do you like about rapping and what do you like
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about podcasting and differences and similarities?
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It's a great question. Yeah.
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So there's just many. Like I was so happy to get into
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podcasting at first. I was a guest, so shout out
2:55
three balaclavas and shout out all the people that had me on
2:59
podcast before I ever thought of doing that.
3:01
Like before I was ever like a fan of comedy podcast, I had my
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buddy Ronnie had me on his. I was on a podcast with
3:11
Vengeance and some different people had me on for interviews
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and I made a difference. But the thing with me is like,
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I've always been kind of like a troll before that was a thing,
3:21
before we knew what to call it that I've always had like two
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sides of me, like a serious dark side and like I need to like a
3:26
mess around side. So having an outlet for that is
3:29
really important to me. And that's why I'd like, you
3:32
know, I'm just happy that I can do that stuff and then double
3:35
down on the on the music. Because like even some of my
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music, like I have a lot of like pretty jokes lines, but I also
3:40
talk about a lot of very serious subject matter pertaining to
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like addiction recovery, all kinds of stuff.
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So I don't know, it just different sides of myself, you
3:49
know what I mean? Interesting.
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But they're both like creative outlets, and you're releasing
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energy in that way. Yeah, that's cool, man.
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I love that it's just just a lot of fun.
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I, I feel like podcasts is, is great 'cause especially in
4:00
sobriety, like I'm a really social guy and I love just
4:04
joking around with my friends. So it's like, why would I not
4:06
want to have it on camera and stuff like that?
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There's so many times I'm just like on the phone where I'm
4:10
like, this would have been a banger podcast, Why isn't this
4:13
recorded? So now I'm just trying to set it
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up more. It's also a good excuse because
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like the older we get, the busier our lives get.
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Sometimes it's harder to schedule stuff and then it's
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like almost an excuse to like get together with people.
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Yeah. That's a great point actually.
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I was, I was saying this like 15 minutes ago as we're setting
4:28
everything up. I'm like, you know, this could
4:30
be a horrible podcast, but it's still fun to just get together.
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If nothing else, we hung out tonight and had a great time.
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I have a great time, yeah. Exactly.
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It's a little bit. Stressful in the beginning,
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setting all this shit up. It's.
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Worth it after yeah man, not. Really.
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No, it's all good. We're here.
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No, we're doing. So how long have you been sober
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for? Will almost nine years now.
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Wow, man, God willing, I'm gonna knock on.
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I hope that's wood. Knock on.
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Wood or plaster? There's a stud.
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There's a stud behind me. I heard a stud.
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Yeah, yeah. So yeah.
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Man blessed to be. Here blessed to be alive.
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What? What was it like in addiction
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for you? Terrible.
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I was like a completely different person, like in every
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sense of the word, like addiction stole my entire
5:13
personality. I lost, I was like I'd be I had
5:16
basically lost all my social skills and then just growing up
5:19
as a kid, like all kind of like all my issues just as a kid that
5:23
I was able to deal with when I was self medicating and kind of
5:25
went away. Then as the worst I got, they
5:28
came back and they multiplied. They were much worse.
5:31
So like my self esteem was never lower than like when I was
5:34
tanking, you know, my self-confidence completely gone
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myself worth myself talk. I was also in like drug induced
5:41
psychosis. I have a bunch of mental health
5:43
issues as well that were obviously I mean I I've seen a
5:48
bunch of different specialists and people that were trying to
5:50
help me, but it's like even with medic like actual medications,
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not just drugs that I was taking but like doctors that were
5:56
trying to help me, none of those meds would even work.
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I didn't really have a shot. I didn't know at the time it was
6:01
hard to diagnose me because of everything that was going on.
6:04
I didn't know until like 2-3 years in the sobriety that I
6:07
even had OCD and that I had a bipolar too.
6:10
I just thought I was crazy and that I was a danger to myself
6:13
and other people. Like at one point I literally
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thought I was going to like, I didn't know what intrusive
6:18
thoughts were, but I, I literally thought that I was
6:21
like a terrible person. And if I didn't keep in like
6:25
just keep a raps on my shit that I was going to inflict harm on
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other people. So like I used to just, I would
6:31
never talk to somebody the way that I talked to myself, you
6:34
know, and my, my skin was terrible.
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My diet like obviously still right now isn't the best, but
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compared to then, like I, I ate next to nothing.
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I'm like 511. Like the first time I went to
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rehab, I was like 110 lbs, basically just a shell of a
6:50
person man. And like this all, just like
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everything that I'm excited about, like my, all my passions
6:56
completely gone. Like literally the only reason I
6:58
was getting out of bed in the morning was to, to get high and
7:01
to drink. And yeah, that was pretty much
7:04
it. And like, and I saw no way out.
7:05
I thought about killing myself every single day and like just
7:08
totally hopeless. Like just self pity.
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I didn't even know I was like resentful at all.
7:14
So much fear, just like, yeah, just a really, like, miserable
7:18
existence. Yeah.
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And there were light moments too, but like, generally pretty
7:22
dark. Yeah, yeah, No, I can relate a
7:24
lot to that. You mentioned.
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I I something you said really jumped out at me.
7:30
I would never talk to anybody else like that.
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And it's, I find that a lot with people in recovery is like, I
7:36
mean, even people not in recovery, the most important
7:39
conversation we have is with ourself.
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I've heard that so many times and it's so true.
7:42
It's like some of the shit I say to myself, oh, you fucking
7:45
idiot. Like why?
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How did you just even little things like that.
7:47
I would never say that to anybody else, right?
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It's so self defeat. I've heard this is a saying,
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too. It's like no one beat the shit
7:54
out of me worse than I beat the shit out of me.
7:56
You know what I mean? Like the way that we beat
7:58
ourselves up. It's like I don't need any of
7:59
you guys to give me a kick in the teeth.
8:01
I've kicked myself in the teeth enough in life.
8:03
Yeah. Right.
8:04
Absolutely. And then the worst part about
8:06
that, too, is like the deeper that I get into that and that
8:08
thinking, then I ended up taking it out on other people.
8:11
Yeah. Because I feel so badly about
8:14
myself. I just have to get it out there
8:15
100%. And if I'm not working on myself
8:17
and looking at myself and I like immediately, I almost need just
8:20
a release. It's terrible.
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I remember someone said this to me.
8:24
I can't remember the exact scenario, but I was talking with
8:27
someone and I was getting upset with them, right?
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I was kind of calling them out on something that I didn't like
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about them. And they looked at me dead in
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the eyes. And they're like, I think the
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reason that you, you see this in me is because you see it in
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yourself. Yeah.
8:40
You know, I think, and I think I was, I think I was calling them
8:42
a liar, or maybe I was calling them arrogance or something.
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And like, you know, you're a pretty big lying, arrogant
8:47
person, buddy. I think you're, I think you're
8:48
looking at a mirror right now. And I was like, wow, you know, I
8:51
I didn't admit to it then and there in the conversation, but
8:54
looking back on it now, being sober, it was 100% true, right.
8:57
You're projecting, you know, you're projecting it.
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And that happens so much with people.
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I think that's what a lot of life is, is that it is the
9:03
mirror and that we don't always want to because sometimes it's
9:06
hard to look at that it's hard to it's, it's a lot easier to
9:09
just deny, deny, deny, backpedal, guilt trip, whatever
9:14
other manipulation forms is like it, it sucks sometimes just
9:17
being honest and like, oh wow, actually I was like really out
9:20
of line there. And that's not cool at all, you
9:22
know? Yeah, it sucks.
9:23
To your point, it takes you don't notice in the moment.
9:26
I mean as you say sober longer. I've I've come to this
9:28
realization that the time gets like shorter and shorter to you
9:32
realizing that you fucked up. The self-awareness and just the
9:35
ability to even admit it. Yeah.
9:36
Yeah. Because it's, it's a humbling
9:37
thing. It's like, it sucks to have to
9:39
like go back up to someone and be like, hey man, that wasn't
9:43
cool. Thing I did yeah, I.
9:45
Totally wasn't nice. Well.
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Well, for you, so like, you know, in the scene of, of making
9:50
music and, and, and then filming entertainment, like what's it
9:53
like doing that sober versus doing that?
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Like while you were, you know, an addiction, like, you know
9:58
what I mean? Because in this industry that
10:00
you're in, like, you know, a lot of guys promote, you know,
10:02
whether that's violence, drugs, whatever they're, they're
10:04
promoting like you're around a lot of that, right?
10:06
Whether that's including when you're performing in shows, like
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what's it like doing that sober? A million times better.
10:13
Like, I have no idea how I used to ever make music or just be in
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the scene. Not, you know, like I'm able to,
10:20
you know, it's very easy to get tied up in all kinds of bad
10:24
things in the industry very quickly without realizing it.
10:28
And to be able to navigate that, to learn the business things, to
10:32
talk, to have mentors in both recovery music business and to
10:38
learn all these things. It's a huge blessing that I had
10:41
no idea how I used to function like I wasn't functioning.
10:45
And, and also like have other people that depended on me,
10:48
like, you know, a good friend of mine, Trey Gold and I, we used
10:51
to run Vampires Prom together. So we ran like 13 something
10:53
underground shows that would have never happened if I was
10:56
like if I was intoxicated, there is absolutely no way that we
11:00
would have ever been able to stick it out and to invest in
11:03
those, those shows and to make that happen, to build a
11:06
community and have people depend on me, you know?
11:09
As soon as times get hard, I find when you're in addiction,
11:11
it's you. Just like I'm.
11:13
I'm not doing this anymore, I'm done.
11:15
You know this is way too hard. Oh for sure.
11:17
And the even the productivity man, like you know, since last
11:20
August, so August of 2024, I've made like 85 songs or something.
11:24
And a. That would have never happened
11:26
if I was using and drinking, but there's no way I wouldn't have
11:29
been able to write. It a lot goes into this behind
11:32
the scenes, like to be messed up, like I'm remembering myself
11:35
when I was messed up, like, you know, to try and make plans,
11:38
coordinate with guests. Then all the production behind
11:41
the scenes, like hours and hours of of, you know, editing and,
11:44
and all that. Like it's different when you're
11:46
at the level of like, you know, say a rapper, like, you know,
11:50
say, Kodak Black, That guy could just show up to a show.
11:52
Have a team. Everything's done for him,
11:54
right? But like this takes a lot of
11:55
like discipline for one, because like, you know, we're all
11:58
working jobs. So it's not like we have all day
12:01
to do this, right? We got to coordinate guests.
12:03
You know, you had to drive an hour, probably more than an hour
12:06
to get here today. You know, then this took an hour
12:08
to set up like this lot goes into this, right?
12:10
So to do that, try to even think of doing that when you're messed
12:14
up like. Just picture the amount of stuff
12:15
I would have forgot, you know? Exactly.
12:17
I could have got arrested on the way.
12:19
He yeah. So many variables.
12:21
Literally, I might have just not shown up I.
12:23
Forgot the camera? I I might have just like had an
12:26
anxiety attack and now I wanted to talk.
12:28
Yeah. A what?
12:29
I what would I even say of value?
12:31
Nothing. Yeah.
12:32
Nobody. Shares what I have to say.
12:34
Oh, I get in my head, I just, I don't know, like obviously I
12:37
wouldn't be have been able to talk about recovery.
12:39
Yeah. Yeah, no, for real.
12:42
But it's like, yeah, I think too, it's like especially when
12:44
you don't have a machine behind you, like if you're if you're a
12:46
major artist, you can get away with being unprofessional and
12:51
kind of wild for a certain period before people don't want
12:54
to deal with you. But being an indie artist, it's
12:56
like, it's just me. If like if I'm not doing
12:59
anything, it's like nothing's going to get done.
13:02
I'm pushing 30. Like life goes by really quick.
13:04
I'm going to snap my fingers, wake up and be 40.
13:07
It's like if I'd haven't accomplished some stuff, it's
13:09
like, guess who has no security because who has no future?
13:14
It's real. And you know, you mentioned I,
13:17
I, I can't help but think about this.
13:19
I was thinking about this today, actually.
13:20
I don't know if you guys follow like what's going on with Justin
13:22
Bieber right now. Oh, yeah.
13:24
He's, he's struggling a lot, it seems.
13:27
And I was watching a video the other day of him at Coachella,
13:29
like dancing with another guy and the look in his eyes.
13:33
I see. That video I.
13:34
Just I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it.
13:35
Like I know that feeling he like his soul was just gone, right?
13:39
He was just gone. And I feel bad for the guy
13:41
because I hope he makes it back, man.
13:43
He's good, you know. Yeah, he was sober for a while.
13:46
I know he's got Lyme disease and stuff too.
13:47
A lot of challenges. And then whatever else is
13:49
happening in the industry because the deeper you get into
13:52
this stuff, I know we're not going to get into all the other
13:54
stuff, but there's there's a lot of crazy stuff with with that
13:57
particular individual. But yeah, man, it's it's, it's a
14:00
wild thing. Like, I can't even imagine, you
14:02
know, to your point, it's on the drive over here today.
14:05
I had AI have AI. Don't know if you guys have
14:08
these like, kind of emotional gratitude moments where you're
14:11
just like by yourself. Yeah, maybe with someone.
14:13
I was driving through Parkdale on the way here.
14:15
And there was a long period of time where I was kicked out of
14:18
my house and I was in an Airbnb in Parkdale.
14:20
Yeah. And it was like a studio on top
14:22
of a, of a, a, some kind of business.
14:26
And it was so depressing, dude, like so depressed.
14:28
It smelt like old, you know, like, you know, when like an old
14:31
guy walks in and he just had a cigarette, like that old coat,
14:35
sweat, cigarette smell. The whole apartment smelled like
14:38
that, right. And I'll never forget, like I
14:40
just, I started like tearing up as I was driving over here
14:43
because I was by myself. I was, you know, I had a bunch
14:47
of plates of coke like all over the house and it was just never
14:50
enough. Like it was never enough.
14:51
I was, I thought I was doing like I thought I was happy.
14:54
I thought I was living the dream and having a good time.
14:56
I was going to work, so I was all good.
14:58
But you know, those, remember ones are important.
15:00
And I just had this moment. I was listening to I think
15:03
Willie Nelson or something like a song came on and I just, I was
15:06
like, man, I'm so happy I'm sober.
15:08
Yeah. Because I miss this feeling of
15:10
1. Showing up to be able to do
15:11
things like this, having purpose in life and not being stuck on
15:16
top of this fucking apartment where every day was just like
15:20
miserable. Yeah.
15:21
Miserable for. Sure, you know, and you like
15:24
wake the the worst feeling. It's like waking up just being
15:26
like, oh, every day felt like such a chore to me.
15:29
I'm like, oh man, like I like my attitude is completely
15:32
different. Like when I wake up today, I
15:34
want to seize the day and get as much as I possibly can and I
15:37
think about other people and what I can do for them, whereas
15:39
every day before I'd wake up and I'm just like, I just hope I can
15:43
get through the day. Like I was literally just
15:45
getting through the day. Like what a shitty way to.
15:46
Live, you know, and medicated to with my with my medicine.
15:50
Just, I just like, I think about that a lot now because like I, I
15:53
have very, very busy days, like my days actually have purpose,
15:56
right? But like, I remember man, when I
15:58
was in addiction, like I would wake up in the morning, I'd go
16:01
to bed at night, like like overthinking, waking up the next
16:06
morning, like woke up. When I wake up, I got to somehow
16:08
get a little bit of money, somehow get high.
16:09
And then after that I got to do this, this and this and then I
16:11
got to get high again at 5:00 PM, right?
16:13
Like that's all I would think about now.
16:14
Like I say this all the time. My favorite part about waking,
16:18
my favorite part about sobriety, One of them.
16:19
There's lots, but one of my favorite parts is just knowing
16:22
how I'm going to feel when I wake up, you know, not having to
16:25
like freak out about, oh, I'm going to like have shakes.
16:27
I'm not going to want to talk to anybody.
16:29
I'm going to be miserable. I'm going to be sick.
16:30
Right. And yeah, like Anthony just said
16:33
about the gratitude thing, like when people ask me like, oh,
16:36
like, what are some things that help you?
16:38
Right. There's a lot, the long list of
16:39
things that help me, but one of the most consistent things that
16:42
I use every single day is gratitude, right?
16:44
Like just, you know, even when things get tough, because things
16:47
get tough, right? And it's like, oh, things are
16:49
pissing you off, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.
16:51
And it's like, OK, well, like I'm thankful that I have a job.
16:55
I'm thankful that I have friends I can reach out to.
16:57
I'm thankful that I have food, right?
16:58
Because you look around the corner and there's, you know, 20
17:01
guys that don't have that, right?
17:03
And not to, to use yourself to bring people down, but it's
17:06
like, you get what I'm saying? Like life really is great.
17:08
Yeah, man, we're blessed. We're so blessed.
17:10
And I love what you said too in the car about like, yeah, man,
17:14
emotions coming back, you know, for so long, like just growing
17:17
up, I had such an unhealthy like attitude that like, oh, I could
17:21
never cry. So I would push it down as like
17:23
a like growing up with these ideas about like what a man is
17:26
and how I, you know, how I should feel.
17:28
And like now, like, you know, I'm comfortable enough with
17:30
myself. Shit, whenever it comes, I just
17:32
let it out and I feel so much better, man.
17:33
Like even like past couple days, just like random like memories
17:37
and like I lost a friend recently, a brother in like
17:39
recovery. And whenever that would come
17:41
out, I'd just let it out, feeling any particular emotions,
17:44
whatever. And like, I'm so grateful that I
17:46
can do that. Instead of running from it,
17:48
yeah, pushing it down. Just like just keeping sick, you
17:51
know? I was actually talking to my
17:52
mother about this last night. I was.
17:54
Hoping you'd bring this up. There was a few things that were
17:57
now this is the one I was talking about today.
17:59
You have to I. Will.
18:00
I will say this next, but the first thing I was going to say
18:03
was I was talking to my mom last night and there was a couple
18:04
things that were, you know, pissing me off and making me
18:07
angry. And then I like, you know,
18:09
realizing like these things aren't actually making me angry
18:11
or pissing me off. It's actually like hurting me a
18:13
bit and upsetting me. And I'm, I'm taking it out as
18:18
anger because that's just what I do.
18:19
No, fuck that guy. That's bullshit.
18:22
That's just how I that's how I know how to do.
18:23
Coping mechanism. Right.
18:25
But like it's like a secondary feeling to the to the first
18:28
feeling where no actually something's happening that's
18:30
upsetting me a little bit. Maybe if I just talk about it,
18:32
you know, figure it out, I won't be getting mad and like I'm able
18:35
to do those those things now because I'm sober.
18:37
And that's the only reason, right.
18:38
One of my favorite things about this podcast so far is that
18:41
people reaching out to me that I know that are like, Hey, I
18:43
actually struggle with with this, this and this too.
18:45
And it's great to hear you talk about it.
18:46
But it's like, now we're gonna get on a platform that can reach
18:49
more people. Sure, right.
18:50
That might be struggling with the same thing because, you
18:52
know, you don't hear enough young people talk about
18:55
absolutely. You do not hear enough young
18:57
huge. Misconception and like, you
19:00
know, the world's at such a difficult place right now that
19:03
people have a billion excuses to, you know, go hard on drugs
19:08
and alcohol. Life is life is tough.
19:11
Let's be honest. You know, some people I talked
19:13
to are almost like living in this fantasy land of like, oh,
19:16
everything's OK, blah, blah, blah.
19:17
It's like no, like the, the economy is not doing well.
19:20
Our country is like kind of crazy.
19:22
The states is pretty crazy all over the world.
19:24
There's a lot of unrest and and things like it.
19:28
People have enough excuses. So like, now is a good time as
19:32
ever. You and I were talking about
19:33
this on Saturday. Yeah, I was telling you I'm
19:35
like, you know, how happy I was and how things are going good.
19:37
But we were also talking about like how sometimes people you
19:41
could be like, you can read it right away when someone's like,
19:43
Oh man, life is great. I love this.
19:45
Like things are awesome right now.
19:46
Like you only mean like, and you're like, you can tell right
19:48
away that the person's putting a front on right?
19:51
And it's so nice to not have to do that anymore, right?
19:54
It's like, Hey, now this is upsetting me and that doesn't
19:56
mean your life is, is shit again.
19:58
But it's like, no, you got to deal with those problems and
20:00
putting on the front. It's exhausting.
20:03
It's exhausting to do that because I did that for a long,
20:05
long time. And I would tell my I would lie
20:07
to myself and be like and I like I mentioned my.
20:10
Podcast before I come from a small town where everyone knew
20:12
me I would walk around the town like everyone thinks I'm just
20:15
chill Bill, you know nothing's wrong.
20:17
But deep down inside I knew everyone knew something was
20:20
going on and it was so exhausting have having to face
20:22
people and just act like, yeah, life was great lie to people
20:26
about what I'm doing lie to people but where I'm working.
20:29
But really deep down inside that would just kill me kill me
20:32
because it's like I'm lying to myself yeah, you know so that's
20:35
that's a good point man. Like just being honest and open
20:38
with about how you feel and people say it's just a man
20:41
thing. I think it's it's women to just
20:44
anyone in general. It's like it's so hard to just
20:46
be open and honest with how you feel because it's not an easy
20:49
thing to do to just be like, man, like this person kind of
20:52
hurt me today. They said this and it, yeah, it
20:54
kind of hurt a little bit, right?
20:55
Or, you know, this is going on with work and it's kind of
20:57
upsetting me right now, right? It's so much easier for me to
21:00
just be like, that's bullshit, man.
21:02
Fuck, I don't care. No, that's.
21:04
That person's an asshole. Yeah, it's that's the easy
21:06
route. I got to be honest, I was.
21:07
I was more alluding to the fact that you told me about your mom
21:10
calling you last night on her birthday.
21:12
Oh, and that was a beautiful gift to recover.
21:15
Yeah, my mom's birthday was yesterday and you know, it's
21:19
it's she called me earlier in the day.
21:21
So third thing my mom told me, my mom's all have lost his fire.
21:24
Shout out, mom. Let's.
21:26
Go. So yeah, she called me last
21:27
night and or I call, I talked to her earlier in the day.
21:30
She was it was her birthday. I wish her happy birthday and
21:32
she was going to have a family dinner with my grandparents and
21:34
cousins, whatever. And I was like, you know, I wish
21:36
I could be there. You know, I don't see my parents
21:39
as much now that I live in Toronto, but I was like, you
21:40
know, it's it, it, it sucked a little bit to not be able to be
21:43
there. And I talked to her later on in
21:45
the night and she shared with me that there's this place my
21:48
parents have behind the garage, have this big deck rate that
21:50
overlooks the lake. And she's like, you know, for
21:52
like a year, she's like, I, I spend so much time.
21:54
That's she, that's her little spot.
21:56
She told me she said she spent so much time out there crying
21:59
and just wondering if like what was going to happen and if you
22:02
were ever going to get better, if she would get that phone call
22:04
one night, right. She said she spent so much time
22:06
crying, but she's like this like, you know, this is the best
22:10
bird they gift ever that you're sober now.
22:12
And like, I just, I love you. I was like, whoa, like, you
22:15
know, I was just like, well, I literally texted Anthony right
22:18
away and I'm like, my mom just had this.
22:19
He made me so happy. And I tell my mom I said this
22:22
for this morning. One of my favorite parts about
22:23
sobriety is just like, like having my parents be like happy,
22:28
you know, because they deserve that.
22:29
They, they did a great job raising me.
22:30
It wasn't their fault while I become a drug addict.
22:32
So the fact that they can enjoy it makes me so happy.
22:35
Yeah, it's a gift, man, huge gift.
22:38
So what what happened to you will that brought you into
22:41
recovery? What was the initial?
22:43
What was the moment or moments? Couple couple different things,
22:49
like the first time I came into recovery, I was 19, my first
22:54
initial attempt and basically what brought me in was I just
22:57
didn't want to live anymore. You know, I was attending audio
23:01
school and really struggling to keep it together.
23:05
So I decided to defer school for a little bit.
23:08
So take in. So like I, I, I was going to an
23:10
university program that I dropped out of.
23:13
Now I'm finally studying like literally exactly what I want to
23:17
do with my life. And I enjoyed the program.
23:19
I wanted to be there more than anything.
23:21
I wanted to take this and take this as seriously as possible.
23:24
And my addiction was so bad that like I literally couldn't
23:27
throughout the day. I would have to stop at the bar
23:30
the second I woke up. I would start my morning with
23:32
pills, immediately smoke and just get fucked up all day.
23:35
So like it was just such a train wreck.
23:37
And every single day I'd be taking the subway from Union
23:40
Station and think about jumping in front of it every single day.
23:43
That's heavy. So like, it just it just felt
23:47
like I like that that pit in my stomach, which is getting louder
23:50
and louder. And I was just like, oh man, I
23:51
don't know how much longer I can keep this going even when.
23:54
So I went with my mom to check out a center and she wasn't
23:58
trying to like, Oh, we're just going to like pretend and then
24:01
throw you in kind of thing. It's like literally I was just
24:03
checking out of rehab. I had no intention of staying
24:07
and I basically just like broke down there when I like I
24:10
actually why it was crazy. So we we show up, we drive in or
24:13
whatever. I'm not going to say what the
24:15
place is called doesn't matter. But anyway, so we get there and
24:18
they're like, oh, hey man, how's it going where they're trying to
24:20
be nice to meet something like that.
24:21
The the current inpatients or whatever you want to call them.
24:24
And I was like fucking terrible. And they're like, nice, you're
24:27
in the right place. I was like, what the fuck?
24:29
What's wrong? With these.
24:31
People, I'm like, what? That's hilarious.
24:33
And I go inside, whatever we're bringing around, like, yeah, I
24:35
literally just broke down in the basement and like, first for
24:38
like a guy like me, like that does not happen.
24:40
Like, you know, like I said, like it's a miracle that I'm
24:42
able to, but it's so crazy. So like that there was that
24:45
moment and then Fast forward, boom, that was 2015.
24:48
Then 2016, I had screwed up several times, relapse,
24:52
whatever, lots of bad things. And then I had a week where
24:54
there was 2O DS in a week my previous mentor was driving me,
24:59
we were coming back from a form of community therapy and we hit
25:03
black ice. The car almost flipped and then
25:05
someone drove into US and and my mentor was sober.
25:08
But just the fact that there was like 4 weird experiences in one
25:11
week. I'm like, yo, I think I'm
25:12
finally open to like the universe and a God like thing.
25:15
I'm like something's clearly trying to tell me that I'm not
25:18
going to be around at this point I'm like 20 years old.
25:21
I'm like, I don't think I'm going to make it to 21.
25:24
This is like really, really scary.
25:26
Like I think they are right that this probably is the last house
25:29
on the left. I'm finally going to listen.
25:31
And I came to another center and like, yeah, at that, that night
25:34
at a therapy session, like I, I broke down in front of the whole
25:37
group. And that's something that never
25:39
happens to me in a setting like that.
25:41
Like I just, I could not hold it in.
25:42
I was like terrified. I, I, I did not think that I
25:47
was, I had a chance at sticking around.
25:50
So I was like totally desperate, you know?
25:53
Finally like able to wave the white flag and and open up for a
25:57
new way. Yeah, new idea.
25:59
And then I still, so then the last time I had left that center
26:05
several months after I took my will back one day and I got high
26:10
one last time. I didn't get honest about it for
26:12
like another three months. And I'd say that was like my
26:15
final and like my real estate bottom was that I was sitting
26:18
with a lie. So I was telling people I
26:19
remember this story after six months, but I really had three.
26:23
And every single night I would pray that my higher power to
26:27
take that memory away. I'm like, oh, it didn't happen,
26:30
but I knew what happened. And what was so scary is the
26:31
second that that has. So that's why my dry day is July
26:34
13, 2016 and not April 10th. And this was terrifying because
26:39
the second that happened, even though it was just like, you
26:41
know, 1 pop or whatever, it doesn't matter.
26:43
The next thought in my head, oh, I could get away with this.
26:47
Yeah. No one has to know.
26:49
Yeah, like, immediately that thinking came back, like, right
26:51
away. And I'm like, oh, man, this is
26:53
really, really bad. And for that month, those months
26:56
when I was holding that in, I was getting sicker and sicker
26:59
and sicker. And I knew if I didn't get
27:00
honest, I was going to go on, like, a really, really bad tear.
27:04
And I don't think that I might have come back.
27:06
And, like, now that that's, like, the biggest, like, many
27:09
motivators to stay sober, but like, any time.
27:11
And I rarely ever get thoughts, but any time that even like
27:15
crosses my mind, I'm like buddy, like you're not like you're even
27:19
though I'm I'm. I've been sober longer now.
27:23
My disease has gotten worse. Yeah, progressive illness.
27:25
Yeah, I'm not going to go back to like I would.
27:28
And I can't even like the way this society is now.
27:30
Like I don't like my eyes. It's really Russian real life.
27:32
Yeah, Yeah. No for.
27:33
Real. I have no desire to entertain.
27:35
I'm like, yeah, I'm going to like, I knew I was going to die
27:37
then. I'm like, now I'd bet 100 grand
27:40
that I'd die within a year, probably much less than that.
27:44
And I have noticed, you know. Shit man, I want to see how long
27:47
I can take this. Like if I can live to 85 that
27:49
sounds pretty cool to me. Wasn't even an option before,
27:52
right? Absolutely enough, Absolutely
27:54
enough. I was.
27:54
I'd like, I'm 29 now, that's crazy, But I didn't expect to
27:57
live to 30. Wasn't in my, wasn't in my deck
27:59
of cards. For real bro.
28:02
So yeah, man, blessed to be here.
28:04
Wow. What?
28:07
So you, you mentioned the, the, you know, the podcasting as
28:11
being kind of front and center and we've talked about this
28:15
before, but like sacrifice to kind of, you know, not to be
28:18
cheesy or anything, but to like live your dreams.
28:20
Like that's essentially what we're doing here.
28:23
This was a dream that I had. It was a dream that you had
28:25
dream that, and you know why not me?
28:27
I just talked to you about this. Not me SO.
28:29
Why not me? Yeah.
28:30
I mean, like, tell us about like sacrifices that you've had to
28:34
make and, and what that looks like and, and why you do that
28:38
because. Yeah.
28:39
So my honesty, like the biggest motivator for me to finally get
28:44
on us and get sober was so that because I wasn't satisfied with
28:47
the music that I had out in active addiction.
28:50
And it's crazy, like more than my family, more than my ex at
28:53
the time, more than like literally anything in my life.
28:56
Like I just want to leave like some kind of better art behind
28:59
that that if I, if I die, that like, I know, hey, I really did
29:03
this shit. Like I did.
29:04
Like, at least there was something here, something
29:06
tangible. So yeah, like, I still feel the
29:09
same way. I don't really.
29:10
And I look at life so differently now.
29:12
Like, I don't really believe in the whole legacy thing because
29:15
at the end of the day, like, you know, we all eventually get
29:17
forgotten. And that's actually a very
29:19
beautiful thing. But while I'm here, I want to do
29:22
like you. Like, like I said, I try to just
29:24
seize the day as much as possible.
29:25
I want to leave behind as much as I can, inspire as many people
29:29
as I can be involved in like, and hopefully just, you know, do
29:32
do my, it sounds corny, but like, yeah, just try to do like
29:35
my little imprint on the people that I interact with to make the
29:38
world a better, like just a little bit better than when I
29:40
got here. I'm not too worried about like
29:42
all the macro stuff. I'm not trying to save the world
29:45
or anything, but at least the lives that I touch, I want to
29:48
have a positive impact on, on the people around me.
29:51
And, and through like, yeah, podcasting, like even though,
29:53
yeah, my comedy is super dark, it's not for everybody.
29:56
A lot of people have that kind of 6th sense of humor and, and I
29:58
bring some joy that way. And then same thing with like
30:01
with the music in a different sense, you know, So I like just
30:04
really just try to like, yeah, leave, leave.
30:07
This is my way. You know, I'm blessed that God
30:10
gave me these different things that I can do and I just I
30:14
wanted to Rick Rubin writes really well about this.
30:18
He says that, you know, like when we put out a piece of like
30:21
whatever any form of art you doing, and he believes that
30:23
everything is art. It's like that is for that's an
30:27
offering to God. So I want to give as many
30:29
offerings as possible while I'm here.
30:31
I don't know what's going to happen in the next stage or
30:33
where I end up. It's not really my business, but
30:36
just trying to make them. I feel like it's the least I can
30:38
do to just make the most of it. Like I don't know how I'm still
30:41
around so. Sacrifices.
30:43
This is a big one though man, because like for example.
30:47
It's I didn't really answer the question.
30:49
No, no, you did you. Did, but it's.
30:51
For example, like it's 10:00 at night, right?
30:53
You're an hour away from home. We're still filming a podcast.
30:56
I got to work. I got to be up at 6:00 in the
30:58
morning. You have to work in the morning
30:59
and. Wouldn't want to be anywhere.
31:01
Else and yeah, but like, that's the beautiful thing.
31:03
Where we're supposed to the. Beautiful thing about doing
31:05
something you love. Like this is like, I don't mind
31:07
at all but like to correlate 3 different schedules.
31:10
You know? Like we got to make some
31:11
sacrifices. Like, I'm going to have a little
31:12
bit less sleep tonight, right? But like, I think we live in a
31:15
society now where it's so tough to make a buys for sure.
31:18
So you need to stay on your grind.
31:19
And like literally, I know you guys are probably all watching
31:22
TikTok videos right now. This, you know, David Goggins,
31:24
like grind, grind, right. But that's literally what you
31:26
got to do if you want to work, like make things work.
31:29
Like we all work a lot of hours. You know, we're trying to do
31:32
this, which is our dreams, but this takes a lot of work.
31:34
Yeah, plus a job, right? Plus you're going to school.
31:37
Yeah, plus we have, you know, a life, right And.
31:40
Emily and friends. Right.
31:41
And it's it's so easy to just be like, Nah, like nice playoff
31:45
time right now. Yeah, I want to watch playoff
31:47
basketball right now. But like, no, this is we got you
31:49
got to stay on your P's and Q's. And that's just with everything
31:52
in life, sobriety, obviously, like it'd be very easy for us to
31:55
just go to the nearest bar and I'll have a drink and whatever,
31:58
right. But no, like you got to just
32:00
like one of the biggest things that helps me in life is that D
32:02
word discipline. Yeah.
32:04
Doing things that, you know, doing the harder.
32:06
Thing you don't necessarily want to do you.
32:08
Don't want to do, but, you know, and I was also speaking about
32:10
this to my mom last night because I'm like sending her
32:13
money, money every paycheck, right?
32:14
Yeah, to just to help save money and make sure I got money for
32:18
rent and food and all this. And I'm like, you know, like
32:20
last time I sent you money on Friday, I was like, you know, I
32:22
was thinking it was 500 bucks. I'm like, I was like, fuck, like
32:25
I could get away with just not sending money this week and then
32:27
do it next week. And I'm like, fucking go buy a
32:29
nice pair of sneakers. Like, you know, maybe go for
32:32
like a nice supper. And I'm like, I really thought
32:34
about it for a few hours. I sent it to where the next day
32:36
that I was supposed to send and then I sent it the next day and
32:39
I was disciplined. I'm like, even though I didn't
32:41
want to do it up until the 2nd I did it after I did it, I felt
32:44
better because you did the right thing, right?
32:46
Doing the right thing is not easy thing.
32:48
Doing the wrong thing is the easy thing, right?
32:50
Getting that instant gratification, which would be
32:52
buying some sneakers, right? But discipline man, in life
32:56
takes you a long, long way. I think it's one of the key
32:58
things in my life is, is discipline.
33:00
And I, I feel like I'm doing a good job at it right now, but
33:02
still I could do so much better. So many other areas of my life.
33:06
I had AI, had a therapist in my first treatment center in
33:08
Minnesota. Name was Doctor Joseph Lee.
33:11
I think he's pretty famous psychiatrist in the addiction
33:14
field. Shout out, shout out, Lee.
33:16
Shout out. Shout out Hazelden.
33:17
Yeah, Minnesota. And I was able to get a session
33:20
with him, which I realized today was actually is is a huge thing
33:23
because he's a pretty big guy, right?
33:26
And he always told me, and this blew my mind because I was 23, I
33:29
didn't understand addiction, but he made it.
33:32
He explained it in such a easy way for me to to digest.
33:35
And he used like visuals with his hands.
33:37
He's like, you know, addiction is like, you know, looking at
33:41
this kind of. So he put it in terms that I
33:43
could understand. You have an iPhone here, the
33:45
newest iPhone, you have your house over here.
33:48
Addiction is about bringing both of those things together, right?
33:53
Instead of buying the new iPhone today, it's like you're saving
33:56
the money, like you said, for that house down the road and
33:59
you're kind of like levelling out that instant gratification
34:02
for that long term gain. And that's what addiction is.
34:05
It's like I'm going to give up this line of coke because I know
34:09
that I'm going to feel better in the long run.
34:11
And it's just slowly you're bringing it together.
34:14
And when he said that to me, I was like, that just totally
34:16
makes sense. I get it now.
34:18
You know, you're giving up. It's I don't even remember.
34:22
Yeah, man, like any, anything worthwhile takes a lot of time.
34:25
Yeah. To to answer that question a bit
34:27
better. It's like what?
34:29
What does sacrifice look like? I've been doing music 13 years.
34:33
Most people would have quit. For.
34:35
Sure, I thought about it a million times, I'll be honest.
34:37
But I just, I just keep going and I'm never going to stop
34:40
doing that. I'm never going to stop
34:41
podcasting. I just, I want to just, you
34:44
know, everything that I do, you know, like, yeah, you mentioned
34:46
with scheduling too. Yeah.
34:48
I usually work like 30 hours a week doing shit that I have no
34:51
interest in doing. But that's what I got to do
34:53
because I got to pay my responsibilities.
34:55
I didn't want to move back home like a year and a half ago.
34:58
I had absolutely no desire to do that.
35:00
But you know, I decided to do that to save money.
35:03
And now I'm trying to like, yeah, more sacrifices.
35:06
I, I've walked away from multiple relationships, like
35:08
serious, serious long term relationships, people that I
35:10
thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with,
35:13
you know, because for, for like, you know, largely for this
35:16
dream, like I'm trying to move to America, restart, get
35:20
property. If I can't do that, I might move
35:22
across the world. I've got a ability to get like
35:25
citizenship in New Zealand, like I might wherever I know I want
35:28
to leave Canada so that boom, more sacrifices, like complete,
35:31
like walking away from from family, all kinds of different
35:34
things, you know, So like, I'm willing to go to like the same
35:38
way what I have to be like, sobriety always comes first for
35:40
me. But like trying to apply that
35:42
principle to like everything that I value, you know, I have,
35:45
am I willing to go to any lengths for like, for what I
35:47
want to do and like I have to. Be and this guy will man like
35:51
like you had mentioned about him getting you know the dream
35:53
started podcasting. You do embody that because since
35:56
I've been your, your homie man and hasn't been that long, like
35:59
say four months, I've known you now, there's been multiple
36:02
occasions where I've seen you like put certain things aside in
36:05
your life feeling no, like this is getting in the way of my
36:07
dream right now of making music and entertainment.
36:09
You're like, no, like this is, you know what I'm doing, right?
36:12
And I've seen you do that and it's so motivating, right?
36:13
Like that's why it's good to have people like you and my
36:16
circle and, and my circle, you know what I mean?
36:17
Because you're like, like the greatest part, like you said,
36:19
sobriety. We talk about that all the time,
36:21
But like, as far as just, you know what you're doing right
36:24
now, Like, like I said, I've seen you do it on multiple
36:26
occasions and it's like, wow, like he's really putting it out
36:29
there right now and trying to make this work.
36:30
And that's so motivating to me, man.
36:32
What, like the way I see you move when it comes to your music
36:35
and the way you promote things and you know, you're always
36:37
connecting with new people, like.
36:39
Likewise, boys, yo real shit. You guys like the second as soon
36:43
as you guys came out, boom, bear clips, bear clips.
36:45
I was like, oh man, I got to fix up.
36:46
I got to get more clips. I swear to God, that's how it.
36:48
Works. Yeah, it's.
36:49
Fired bro. I love when I get motivated when
36:51
I see my friends doing their thing.
36:52
Like it's so it's so motivated. I saw some of my other buddies
36:55
that were accomplishing things. Every time I see my friends
36:58
getting on playlists or getting nominated or like the another
37:02
one of my buddies I saw this week, he had a video that went
37:05
up like 12 million views. This guy like up like 5K
37:08
followers. Like it's so motivating.
37:10
It's like just people, you know, And I'm like, damn, like this
37:13
is. Will shared on his social media
37:16
tape. Man, it like touched me.
37:17
Like, I just want to see my brothers win, you know?
37:19
Yeah, man. And I'm gonna tell you something
37:21
that didn't come with sobriety I hated seeing.
37:24
People, I was just going to say. That I hated seeing people do
37:26
better than me right, like people I grew up with people
37:29
like I'm like no man, this guy's doing better than me right now,
37:31
but now that I'm sober, I love seeing people do good like it
37:34
makes me so happy so it's. Possible.
37:36
It's possible so like. Possible.
37:38
Wow, that's crazy. That's so cool.
37:40
I can. Do it.
37:40
Why can't I when I seen? You share that today.
37:42
I'm like, man, like it just fits.
37:43
It fits today so perfectly. Like you just want to see,
37:46
obviously you want to see me and Anthony do good.
37:48
So you're traveling, you're meeting us.
37:49
We're connecting, right? Like I just love seeing that.
37:52
It's like we're pushing each other, Yeah, at the end of the
37:54
day, right? And that's not something I used
37:55
to do before. I used to just want to.
37:57
Grab your shirt and bring you to the.
37:58
Ground with me like I'm down here, buddy, Come with me.
38:00
Why am I not where he is, you know?
38:02
100% the envy, self pity. Oh man, I've been through those
38:07
cycles so many times. I used to drive through like
38:09
nicer areas and be like oh fuck you, you rich piece of shit,
38:14
whatever. And then I'm like yo, like hey.
38:16
And then then like the best question that I get to ask
38:19
myself whenever I feel like that, those kind of envious
38:21
thoughts, it's like, am I willing to do the work and the
38:24
sacrifices that it took? Yeah.
38:26
Do I, do I really want this person's life or do I just want
38:29
this thing? I probably don't want their
38:31
life. They probably sacrificed
38:33
everything to happen. Like, do I actually want, like,
38:36
do I value wealth over everything else?
38:38
Yeah, bro, not really. Like, for me even like, you
38:40
know, I want to be comfortably wealthy.
38:43
But like some of the guys I used to look up to, like I bought
38:44
this book years and years ago when I went on a trip to Bahamas
38:48
called the like how the Art of Being Rich or How to Be Rich
38:50
with Felix Dennis. He passed away from the UK.
38:53
This guy's was like a multi billionaire, whatever.
38:55
But yo, this guy was like was crazy, bro.
38:57
Like I wouldn't. And he's saying like to actually
38:59
be like rich, rich, rich, rich. It's not for the faint of heart,
39:03
man. This guy lost like basically
39:04
everything. Just for that.
39:06
It's like, am I willing to trade everything for that?
39:08
No, I don't really have that option.
39:10
Like sobriety comes first before.
39:11
Yeah. I mean, I mean.
39:13
That's what it takes. I've I've heard a good analogy.
39:15
It's like, you know, everybody. So there's like a a bag at the
39:18
top of a ladder and everybody's trying to get to the top of the
39:23
ladder, right? Climb the ladder, whatever that
39:24
looks like the job, the car, the the girl.
39:27
And you can have your buddy that's already been to the top
39:31
tell you, dude, it's not worth it.
39:32
It's there's nothing in the bag, right?
39:34
But you need to go to the top. Yourself.
39:37
And I've heard, I've heard, I think it was the the CEO of
39:40
Lululemon on a podcast, he was saying it.
39:42
He's like, I've been to the top. He's like, he was right.
39:44
It's not worth it at the end of the day.
39:45
Like you get to the top and you're like, what's next, right?
39:48
It's the bag is empty, you know, but you need to go and scrape
39:51
your knee and hit your head against the wall.
39:53
And that's my case in being an addiction, too.
39:55
It's like I I wouldn't have come into recovery if I didn't bang
39:59
my head against the wall 50 million times before I finally
40:02
realized that guy was right. Yeah.
40:04
And today, my mentors, they're always right.
40:06
Yeah. My mom always right, you know,
40:08
because they've been there, you know, it's like in the moment,
40:11
you're like, oh, I'm right. You know, I always say this, but
40:14
like, my biggest problem today is I'm right.
40:16
You know, that's my biggest problem.
40:18
No, that's so true. I.
40:19
Literally had that happen again today when I decided to bring up
40:22
some of my ideas about politics and different stuff at all and
40:25
I'm just like Yep, just shouldn't.
40:26
Like why did I? Did it again.
40:29
Just kind of kept all these things to myself.
40:31
It just didn't matter and now I hate.
40:33
Him and him. And it's like before you say it
40:35
too, you're. Leaving with my mom for no
40:36
reason, end of the day. Before you say those things too,
40:39
you're like, I know where this is probably gonna go, but yeah,
40:41
no, fuck it, we ball. I'm gonna say it anyways.
40:43
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna say. Oh yeah, that sucked.
40:46
Had to apologize. I love it.
40:48
Well, if you could, I'm sure there's someone out there right
40:52
now, you know, struggling to make it, you know, on their
40:55
grind, working hard, not seeing any results.
40:58
Yeah, If you could say something to that person, what would you
41:01
say? Double down, expect nothing.
41:05
The biggest thing that I can do for myself is to just lower my
41:08
expectations and to double like to just focus in on the
41:12
enjoyment of the activity and to get better and better at that
41:16
and the marketing and don't worry about the results.
41:19
Like the most miserable to this day, the most miserable I make
41:22
myself is when I I trip about results.
41:25
Results are not up to me. They're up to the universe.
41:27
I just have to keep putting the work in regardless of what
41:30
happens. And like there's even look at
41:32
guys like Van Gogh ago got shit on his entire life.
41:36
Everyone thought this guy was a fuck up and a loser.
41:38
He was basically a burden on everyone that cared about him
41:42
and he's like arguably one of the greatest artists of all.
41:44
Household name. You know, so sometimes your time
41:47
is not in your time and like, does it matter?
41:50
Yes, no, like what's more important to you?
41:51
So if you love what you're doing, keep doubling down on
41:54
that. And if you're not as passionate,
41:56
then it's also sometimes it's a good opportunity to be like,
41:59
hey, you know, what? Am I really willing to go as far
42:02
as this or do I want to double down?
42:04
Maybe you want to go harder on the 9:00 to 5:00.
42:06
Maybe like doing the art stuff isn't for you.
42:08
Maybe you want to do finance. Maybe you want to do music
42:11
management. Maybe you want to start a
42:12
streaming company. Like there's a million ways that
42:16
you can be a creative that don't have to be just the one thing.
42:20
And I would never tell someone not to do the thing.
42:23
But I think it's really important to, to reflect on
42:26
like, you know what, what, why I'm, why am I doing this?
42:29
Am I doing this because of for like the theme, for the money,
42:33
for the, the image, for whatever bullshit to meet women or
42:37
something? Or am I doing this because I
42:38
love it? If you're doing it because you
42:39
love it, you got to ride out the bad times.
42:41
There's a lot of fucking bad times, you know?
42:43
Yeah, So I love that. Man, I love that.
42:45
And one thing I want to touch on about you Will that I love so
42:48
much, man, is like you're a creative guy.
42:50
You're a super interesting guy. Like I really like son.
42:53
And the thing I like about you so much man is like you're just
42:56
a like 100% authentically Will all the time.
42:59
Like you don't ever switch it up when a certain person's around.
43:02
Like you're just always yourself.
43:03
You know, you put yourself out there on all social media
43:05
platforms and like it's motivating to me.
43:08
It's like, you know, like you just you're I I, I love the fact
43:12
that you're yourself all the time, because I know that's
43:14
something I struggle with. I think that's something a lot
43:16
of people struggle with, right, sober or not, I still struggle
43:19
with it till till this day is putting on that front.
43:21
Like what are people going to think about me?
43:23
Right? But like you, man, like I, I
43:25
love that about you and. That's a lot of time bro.
43:27
And I respect that about you so much.
43:29
I. Had no self-confidence.
43:31
No, none of us did right like. But it comes with repetition.
43:34
Yeah, man. Like you said, you know, ride
43:36
out the hard times. And then you're like, hi, I got
43:38
through that. Wow.
43:38
Yeah, yeah. That's amazing.
43:40
My sponsor used to say like about like feeling comfortable
43:42
in your skin and for years I was like you talking about I'm like
43:46
my first, my first year of sobriety, I was like literally
43:49
just holding on for dear life. Just like fucking terrified.
43:52
I'm like, I'm just going to listen to like if this guy told
43:55
me to like move to the like a random island by myself and
43:59
stand on my head under a palm thing for a year.
44:01
I would have been like, okay, cool, sounds good.
44:03
I'm gonna do that. Stays over.
44:05
Like if you say so just eventually like, yeah, I felt
44:07
finally felt comfortable. And one more thing I wanna touch
44:10
on too, before we end this that you just mentioned is the
44:12
expectations thing, man, that thing, that expectation thing
44:16
helps me a lot because I expect things all every day, 25 times a
44:20
day, right? Like simple things, like, you
44:22
know, I expect to wake up in the morning and feel happy.
44:25
I, you know, I expect to wake up and have to take a pee right
44:28
away. Just think, don't expect nothing
44:30
because that's what gets you really like off your set and
44:33
upset and mad, right? Like, and it happens all the
44:36
time, man. So, and it's so it's, I think
44:39
it's essentially impossible to not expect anything, but like to
44:42
really try and minimize that to not expect things and especially
44:45
out of people in situations, right, like because people let
44:48
you down all the time and everyone's going to let you
44:50
down. You know, your job is going to
44:52
let you down, the weather is going to let you down.
44:53
Just don't expect nothing. Just wake up and just do what
44:57
you can control, which is your actions.
44:59
And that's what helps me so much.
45:01
I I, I really like trying to live by that one expecting
45:04
nothing, right? Like I don't expect the Leafs to
45:06
win tomorrow night. I got hope they do.
45:07
That's enough. But you know what I mean.
45:10
But. Yeah.
45:10
So we're drawing the line. What do they say?
45:13
Expectations are nothing but premeditated resentment, yes.
45:17
Bro, it's so true, you know? I'm so I'm just gonna end up
45:20
being pissed off. Yeah, man.
45:22
So I love that man. Thanks so much for coming on.
45:24
Yeah. Thanks for having me, she's
45:25
great. And again, guys, go check out
45:27
Will's new album, his new visual for his music video Boundaries,
45:30
right? Yeah, we'll.
45:31
Have put it up we'll. Throw it up on the screen about
45:34
and shout out Lynx Music Studios for having us here.
45:36
Thanks. I love this place.
45:38
Yeah, I love this place. You'll probably see us filming
45:40
here more. And again, just thank you guys
45:43
for all the interaction on all the on all the latest posts out
45:46
there. You know, it's motivating for
45:47
us. It's motivating for guys like
45:48
Will who do the same thing as us.
45:50
This just keeps us going, right? So, yeah, love you guys.
45:53
All. I love you boys.
45:55
Yeah, man. You're no longer alone.
45:56
That's it boys, keep rocking it. Thanks for listening.
45:59
Please help us grow the channel and like, share and subscribe
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46:05
shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational
46:08
purposes only. This content is not a substitute
46:11
for professional medical advice, addiction treatment, or therapy.
46:15
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction,
46:18
please consult A licensed physician, addiction specialist,
46:21
or mental health professional. You are no longer alone.