Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep20: "In Her World: Comedy & Control"🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep20: "In Her World: Comedy & Control"🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_04: I'll tell you this though.
0:01
SPEAKER_04: That's when you realize that your wife is your best friend.
0:04
SPEAKER_04: Right?
0:04
SPEAKER_04: I have best friends, they won't have a baby with me.
0:08
SPEAKER_04: We made a human together.
0:10
SPEAKER_04: And she did that for us.
0:11
SPEAKER_04: And that's how you know that your wife is your best friend.
0:13
SPEAKER_04: And I looked at that little boy and I thought to myself, one of these days he's gonna leave.
0:17
SPEAKER_04: And I'm gonna be stuck with her again.
0:21
SPEAKER_04: Forever.
0:22
SPEAKER_04: Till death.
0:25
SPEAKER_04: Not till death.
0:26
SPEAKER_04: Well, we die first.
0:29
SPEAKER_04: We do.
0:30
SPEAKER_04: Men die first, ladies.
0:31
SPEAKER_04: It's not the notebook.
0:31
SPEAKER_04: We don't hug and die.
0:35
SPEAKER_04: In real life, we die first.
0:37
SPEAKER_04: And then, ladies, years later, you die.
0:40
SPEAKER_04: Right?
0:40
SPEAKER_04: It's true.
0:41
SPEAKER_04: Everybody in here has a grandma.
0:46
SPEAKER_04: At some point, grandpa goes, fuck it.
0:50
SPEAKER_04: I'd like to be in heaven by myself for a little while.
0:56
SPEAKER_04: You know, all the grandpas are in heaven having a good time, and all of a sudden, oh, I gotta go.
1:03
SPEAKER_04: I tell you not to eat the salt and vinegar potato chip.
1:07
SPEAKER_04: Well, Brenda showed up.
1:11
SPEAKER_04: I love what I do, man, and I love that you guys come out.
1:14
SPEAKER_04: I love that you call your wife's Captain Evil like I call mine.
1:19
SPEAKER_04: I love to watch you laugh, man.
1:20
SPEAKER_04: That makes me happy, you know.
1:21
SPEAKER_04: You guys like to watch me, I like to watch you.
1:23
SPEAKER_04: I like, yeah, I do.
1:24
SPEAKER_04: I like when you laugh, you hit your wife, you know.
1:28
SPEAKER_04: And your wife looks at you when you laugh too hard.
1:33
SPEAKER_04: My favorite thing though is sometimes after my show, these girls in their 20s, and they've never been in a real relationship, you know, but they'll come up to me and they go, You're my favorite comedian, because your jokes are so funny.
1:45
SPEAKER_04: And I'm like, jokes?
1:51
SPEAKER_04: This is a documentary.
2:02
SPEAKER_04: So here's to all you women in your twenties who are single, listen to me because I want you to be happy faster.
2:11
SPEAKER_04: Lower your expectations.
2:14
SPEAKER_04: You're not a princess, your father lied to you.
2:20
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna marry somebody rich.
2:22
SPEAKER_04: Probably not.
2:24
SPEAKER_04: But if you really want to be rich, rich in the things that matter, find a real man, a family man, a man that wakes up every day and goes to work.
2:33
SPEAKER_04: You will be happy and you'll be rich.
2:36
SPEAKER_04: And I know you young girls are like, oh my god, I want that.
2:40
SPEAKER_04: But can he also have abs?
2:42
SPEAKER_04: No.
2:46
SPEAKER_04: Men that work hard don't have abs.
2:49
SPEAKER_04: We have one ab.
2:52
SPEAKER_04: One big amount.
2:54
SPEAKER_04: And it's hard.
2:57
SPEAKER_04: There's only one.
3:00
SPEAKER_04: And I know all you young girls are like, uh I'm never gonna sleep with a man that looks like that.
3:08
SPEAKER_04: Yes, you will.
3:13
SPEAKER_04: Maybe not tonight.
3:17
SPEAKER_04: But eventually there's gonna be a fat, hairy, sweaty, baldy man on top of you.
3:23
SPEAKER_04: He's gonna have sex with you for a good three minutes, strong.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: Lately I've been studying a lot of evolutionary psychology, and by that I mean I've been getting high in watching the animal planet.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you can learn a lot from watching animals.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: Can't cause there's this whole misconception that some people have about life that life is all about survival.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: And not only is that depressing, but it just doesn't explain a lot of things.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, for example, you could say that clothes originated for survival, and you'd probably be right.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't explain why I'm wearing these dumb designer bootsies that are uncomfortable, there's no traction on them, they're a ridiculous waste of money.
4:05
SPEAKER_00: It's the opposite of survival.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: The reason why I'm wearing these baby skin bootsies is because my girlfriend picked them out for me, and she controls the puss distribution.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: Come to find out, that's what life's about.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: Mating and reproduction.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: It's far more important than survival.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: It is.
4:35
SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: In the big picture, in the scope of things, none of our ancestors survived.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: None of them.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: Not a one.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: We are all here because of an unimaginable amount of shitting.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: Isn't that wonderful?
4:57
SPEAKER_00: When it comes to mating, what you figure out in a hurry is that ladies, they're the gatekeepers.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: Females do the selecting, it's just guys' job, just to get selected.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: So if you ever watch Planet Earth or one of those animal documentaries, what you'll see is a lot of life is just males trying to get attention from females.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: Like the classic example is the peacock.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: Male peacock has a big huge plumage that the pea hen doesn't have.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: Why doesn't she have one?
5:23
SPEAKER_00: Because the thing's stupid.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: It weighs him down so he can't fly very good.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: Makes him stick out to predators.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: It's horrible for survival.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: So for the longest time, scientists are like, why in the hell?
5:36
SPEAKER_00: What do you have that thing?
5:37
SPEAKER_00: Turns out it's just pretty stuff for the ladies.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: That's all it's there for.
5:41
SPEAKER_00: Hey ladies, look at all my nonsense.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: And the pee hands are just like, ooh, look at all that nonsense.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: Deer antlers are kind of like that too.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure the first people that saw deer antlers are like, oh, they must use those to fend off predators or something.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: No, not at all.
6:06
SPEAKER_00: Just for the ladies.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: That's it.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: Fucks, they start growing them in the springtime, and then they peak in the fall for mating season.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: And all they're used for is their singular purpose.
6:17
SPEAKER_00: As soon as a doe comes by, a deer, a female deer.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: The bucks, they just start bashing each other's heads in with those antlers, and whoever wins gets laid.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: That's all there is to it.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: After mating season, their antlers just fall right off.
6:42
SPEAKER_00: Don't need that anymore.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: Getting caught up in tree branches and whatnot, pain in my ass.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: And it's not that females don't compete for mates as well, they just don't have to be quite as aggressive.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm sure all the does are gossiping about one another.
6:59
SPEAKER_00: Oh, she's a slut.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: I hear she has Lyme disease.
7:02
SPEAKER_00: She's got ticks on her pussy.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: Or however, does denigrate one another.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: Ladies like making guys dance too.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: That's not just a human thing.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: A lot of species.
7:23
SPEAKER_00: Even the fruit fly, believe it or not.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: Male fruit fly during courtship.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you like that?
7:28
SPEAKER_00: Check that out.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: It's got some sweet moves.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, humans look for a variety of traits.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: If it's just up to dancing, I'd be out of luck, as you just saw.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: I went dancing with my girlfriend recently.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: She was like, I think I sort of understand what you're trying to do with your shoulders.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: But what song are your legs listening to?
7:56
SPEAKER_00: All life is like that.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: It's pretty incredible.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: If you hear birds singing, it's most likely a male bird.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: I can just about guarantee you.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: Male birds, some of them, they'll memorize thousands of songs just to get attention from females.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, I'm trying to sleep in.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: I got this horny bastard outside my window.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: Will somebody fuck this guy already?
8:19
SPEAKER_00: Give him a wing job or something.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: So why is that the case?
8:27
SPEAKER_00: Why are females so picky about who they choose to mate with?
8:31
SPEAKER_00: There's some interesting basic kind of science behind that.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: Basically, we're all biologically driven to breed.
8:38
SPEAKER_00: That's why sex feels so amazing.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: That's why the Japanese have subway packers.
8:50
SPEAKER_00: To do that, you have to make a baby.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: To make a baby, females have a higher physical cost of making a baby than men do.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: Females have to grow a life inside of them.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: Which is bizarre, by the way.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: We don't even think about how crazy that is.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: But pregnant women will still like go to work and run errands.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: If I eat a burrito, I don't want to get on stage.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: They're growing a life inside of them.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: Then there's painful childbirth.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: At least when human babies come out, they just kind of lay there and you can hold on to them.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: Some species, the baby comes out just on the move.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you can imagine what that would be like, ladies.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: That nightmare?
9:33
SPEAKER_00: You just get done.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: Hours of horrible painful child labor.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: Now you have to chase something?
9:43
SPEAKER_00: Point is that's a lot that females have to go through to make a baby compared to a male.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: What does a male physically put into making a baby?
9:52
SPEAKER_00: Just as a uh that's all we gotta do.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: Pretty sweet deal.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: By the way, I apologize.
10:03
SPEAKER_00: I do suffer from immature ejaculation.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: Look like a point is I can make a baby in two minutes flat, no big deal.
10:15
SPEAKER_00: And I can make thousands of them given the opportunity.
10:19
SPEAKER_00: So if you've ever wondered why no one gives a shit about Father's Day, there you go, there you have it.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: Pretty simple explanation.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: Think about it on an even smaller level.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: Females, they're born with about 400 eggs, they're released at specific times, when they're gone, they're gone.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: Men, on the other hand, we can produce up to 12 million sperm in an hour.
10:41
SPEAKER_00: We can just make it rain anytime we want to.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: Oh, here you go, ladies.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: Oh, oh.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: So generous.
10:54
SPEAKER_06: I'm getting too old for that stuff anyway.
10:56
SPEAKER_06: I'm too old, I'm too old for that stuff.
10:57
SPEAKER_06: I can't do that anymore.
10:58
SPEAKER_06: I'm getting old, people.
11:00
SPEAKER_06: The signs are there.
11:01
SPEAKER_06: The signs of aging are there.
11:03
SPEAKER_06: You know when you're getting older.
11:04
SPEAKER_06: Certain signs of aging.
11:06
SPEAKER_06: For instance, I'm addicted to QVC.
11:11
SPEAKER_06: That's a sign of aging, people.
11:13
SPEAKER_06: I watch QVC like it's a soap opera.
11:18
SPEAKER_06: I'm like, holy shit, is that a blender that can chop concrete?
11:27
SPEAKER_06: Oh my god, I've got to have those heated slippers.
11:36
SPEAKER_06: I think I've just come.
11:37
SPEAKER_06: Is that a blanket with sleeves?
11:38
SPEAKER_06: Is that I'll wear that to my clubs, I don't care.
11:55
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, you can laugh at me, bitch, but later on when we're waiting for a bit.
12:08
SPEAKER_06: Okay, and I'll just start.
12:10
SPEAKER_06: This is the worst time of aging, though.
12:11
SPEAKER_06: This is the worst time.
12:12
SPEAKER_06: Ladies, some of you might have experienced it so we enough, this is what you've got to look forward to.
12:17
SPEAKER_06: So, ladies, you know when we go to a public toilet and we want to weed.
12:23
SPEAKER_06: But we don't want to sit on the seats, do we?
12:24
SPEAKER_06: Because they're nasty.
12:26
SPEAKER_06: They're nasty.
12:26
SPEAKER_06: In a public toilet, we don't want to sit on the seats because we don't know who's been there and all kinds of stuff.
12:30
SPEAKER_06: And I don't trust them paper things that they have.
12:33
SPEAKER_06: They rubbish those paper sink covers.
12:35
SPEAKER_06: Because they they're like they collected water, they're like blotting.
12:55
SPEAKER_06: I put it on the floor.
13:19
SPEAKER_06: It's the light for paper things.
13:20
SPEAKER_06: What do we do, ladies?
13:21
SPEAKER_06: What do we do when we want to win?
13:23
SPEAKER_06: Squat.
13:24
SPEAKER_06: Did you know that?
13:25
SPEAKER_06: Did you know that?
13:26
SPEAKER_06: Hey, did you know that, young man?
13:31
SPEAKER_06: Squat, that's what she does.
13:35
SPEAKER_06: Squat! That's why, let's do that to the legs there.
13:39
SPEAKER_06: Every woman in the world, strong ties, strong ties.
13:50
SPEAKER_06: Squat.
13:51
SPEAKER_06: We paint.
13:53
SPEAKER_06: Straight lines, guys, straight line.
13:55
SPEAKER_06: Straight down the middle of the bottle.
13:57
SPEAKER_06: No PPH trip.
13:58
SPEAKER_06: No PPH strip.
14:04
SPEAKER_06: Squat.
14:05
SPEAKER_06: We paint.
14:20
SPEAKER_06: Can you do this now?
14:21
SPEAKER_06: Can we do this?
14:23
SPEAKER_06: No, you can't.
14:24
SPEAKER_06: Only women can do this.
14:28
SPEAKER_06: Because we are toilet legions.
14:34
SPEAKER_05: You know, I think the thing that irritates me is that, you know, we have become so disconnected as many women when it comes to relationships.
14:42
SPEAKER_05: You know, men think they're players and women think they're players, but in the end, let's be 100.
14:48
SPEAKER_05: Women are the most gangster at that shit.
14:50
SPEAKER_05: We're the most gangster at that shit.
14:52
SPEAKER_05: Men think they're such players, you know, but y'all mess up the game every time because y'all have different values when it comes to out here living your life and doing dirt.
15:00
SPEAKER_05: You know, when it comes to cheating, y'all believe in quantity over quality.
15:04
SPEAKER_05: You know what I'm saying?
15:05
SPEAKER_05: And therefore you got a whole bunch of bitches that you can't manage like you some unorganized pimp.
15:13
SPEAKER_05: Really, I blame a lot of you men for chicks on the side not knowing their role anymore.
15:18
SPEAKER_05: They walking around with a chip on their shoulder, thinking they the main bitch, because your ass lying to them, giving her hopes and dreams, telling her she's gonna be main bitch in August 2021.
15:27
SPEAKER_05: Now she walking around with a calendar with hope in her heart.
15:31
SPEAKER_05: No side chick supposed to have hope in her heart.
15:34
SPEAKER_05: They don't know their role no more.
15:35
SPEAKER_05: That's why some of y'all need to go talk to an OG because an OG understood the game.
15:39
SPEAKER_05: You know, these OGs never disrespected the queen.
15:42
SPEAKER_05: They never bought their dirt home.
15:44
SPEAKER_05: You know what I'm saying?
15:45
SPEAKER_05: OG man, shoot, he could be married with four kids, have a whole other family cross town.
15:50
SPEAKER_05: And that side bitch knew that to never leave Brooklyn.
15:53
SPEAKER_05: She knew.
15:56
SPEAKER_05: But this new age side chicks got they're cocky, they're arrogant.
15:59
SPEAKER_05: You know what I'm saying?
16:00
SPEAKER_05: And it's so funny, because I blame you men.
16:02
SPEAKER_05: Like women, you know, men, you have to keep lying to chicks and giving them this hope and you know, breaking them promises.
16:08
SPEAKER_05: See, women are the best cheaters.
16:10
SPEAKER_05: When it comes down to cheating, we're the best cheaters.
16:12
SPEAKER_05: Because unlike men, you have to keep rotating out their women because a bitch catch feelings and start doing dumb shit like tagging your wife and pictures on Facebook.
16:20
SPEAKER_05: Women ain't gotta deal with that.
16:22
SPEAKER_05: We can keep a side dude of a decade.
16:24
SPEAKER_05: You know what I'm saying?
16:25
SPEAKER_05: We ain't gotta, you know, he's very happy being DOC, dick on call.
16:28
SPEAKER_05: That's it.
16:29
SPEAKER_05: That's all he is.
16:30
SPEAKER_05: You know what I'm saying?
16:31
SPEAKER_05: We ain't gotta lie to him.
16:32
SPEAKER_05: We can set him down day one and give him the rules of engagement.
16:35
SPEAKER_05: Look here, bruh, don't call me except on Tuesday between 2 o'clock and 203.
16:39
SPEAKER_05: If I answer, I want some.
16:41
SPEAKER_05: If I don't, let that shit ride.
16:43
SPEAKER_05: Now, if I answer, I might be with him, so I'm gonna sneeze three times.
16:49
SPEAKER_05: That me, me at the holiday in by the airport room 202, that's the room face the pool, not the street.
16:54
SPEAKER_05: Now, when you get there, don't you come to 202, go down to the front desk of the key for 200.
16:57
SPEAKER_05: You're gonna come through 200, come to the interior door to 202.
17:01
SPEAKER_05: Now, while we're doing, don't you ever ask me who's is it?
17:03
SPEAKER_05: Because I'm gonna tell you the truth.
17:03
SPEAKER_05: Here, it's just barring this shit.
17:05
SPEAKER_05: And if you ever see me out with my main dude, don't you ever acknowledge my presence.
17:09
SPEAKER_05: But if you want to let me know, I can get that whenever I need, a simple will suffice.
17:16
SPEAKER_05: We gangster with our shit.
17:18
SPEAKER_05: We gangster with our shit.
17:20
SPEAKER_05: Trust me, trust me, we're so gangster.
17:22
SPEAKER_05: It's a chicken here right now sitting next to her main dude and her side dude.
17:26
SPEAKER_05: And her main dude think her side dude her cousin visit from Jersey.
17:31
SPEAKER_05: We just that gangster with it, you know what I'm saying?
17:33
SPEAKER_05: I'ma tell you how we know.
17:34
SPEAKER_05: I know that women are gangster with it.
17:36
SPEAKER_05: My aunt and uncle were married for 64 years, man.
17:39
SPEAKER_05: They had that I see Davis Ruby D, Miss Ellen Obama, you know what I'm saying?
17:44
SPEAKER_05: Denzel and Pauletta shit, you know?
17:47
SPEAKER_05: They had that marriage everybody talked about.
17:49
SPEAKER_05: And when my aunt passed away, beautiful funeral, I mean 400 family members just came from everywhere, packing in a little country church, and we waving their cousins we ain't seen in years, you know?
17:58
SPEAKER_05: With this one man walked in in a lavender suit and some purple Stacy Adams.
18:05
SPEAKER_05: I'm assuming he was an old Q or something.
18:12
SPEAKER_05: And he walked up to my aunt's casket and laid a single rose on her body, blew her a kiss, and walked out.
18:20
SPEAKER_05: Now, when we get to the repass, I find that one aunt that know everybody's business.
18:26
SPEAKER_05: And I gave her a couple of glasses of reuniti.
18:30
SPEAKER_05: And I started asking questions.
18:33
SPEAKER_05: And I said, Oh, Aunt Lily, that was a beautiful funeral.
18:35
SPEAKER_05: Wasn't she so pretty?
18:36
SPEAKER_05: She looks so peaceful.
18:37
SPEAKER_05: I don't know why black folks always say the funeral look like they were sleeping.
18:40
SPEAKER_05: They were sleeping, you know.
18:41
SPEAKER_05: And she said, Yes, baby, yes.
18:43
SPEAKER_05: I said, I was just curious.
18:44
SPEAKER_05: Um, there was that one man in the purple suit.
18:48
SPEAKER_05: Uh I didn't know him, and she just started laughing.
18:52
SPEAKER_05: Ha ha, baby.
18:55
SPEAKER_05: Uh baby, that's Bernard.
18:58
SPEAKER_05: I said, Bernard.
18:59
SPEAKER_05: I'm like, oh I know Uncle Bernard.
19:02
SPEAKER_05: I said, Who he?
19:02
SPEAKER_05: Your auntie boyfriend.
19:04
SPEAKER_05: I said, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait how the devil did she have a boyfriend?
19:07
SPEAKER_05: She was married to Uncle Walter for 64 years.
19:10
SPEAKER_05: How long were they together?
19:11
SPEAKER_05: 63.
19:13
SPEAKER_07: There's an intimacy when you're married.
19:15
SPEAKER_07: An intimacy.
19:16
SPEAKER_07: I I can only I can't tell you, but I can only share with you a situation where the intimacy came out that no one told me about.
19:23
SPEAKER_07: The other day my husband walked in the house like this.
19:28
SPEAKER_07: I said, honey, what's wrong?
19:29
SPEAKER_07: He said, I gambled and I lost.
19:33
SPEAKER_07: He his pants is what happened.
19:45
SPEAKER_07: You see, that's an intimacy I would not be privy to if we just lived together.
19:51
SPEAKER_07: Because when you live with someone and you sh yourself, it's better you come home with no pants at all.
19:56
SPEAKER_07: You're like, oh my, what the happened?
19:59
SPEAKER_07: I thought I had a mom.
20:03
SPEAKER_07: Because that then puts the onus on the other person.
20:06
SPEAKER_07: They then have to ask themselves, if I ask the question, will I be happy with the answer I receive?
20:12
SPEAKER_07: What am I supposed to do now that we're married?
20:14
SPEAKER_07: What am I gonna do?
20:15
SPEAKER_07: Get a divorce?
20:16
SPEAKER_07: How am I supposed to do what we'll go to the attorney and go, ma'am?
20:19
SPEAKER_07: What's a what's the problem?
20:20
SPEAKER_07: Why do you want a divorce?
20:21
SPEAKER_07: Do you not love your husband anymore?
20:22
SPEAKER_07: No, I love him very much.
20:24
SPEAKER_07: Uh, did he cheat on you?
20:25
SPEAKER_07: Nope, that didn't happen at all.
20:26
SPEAKER_07: Oh, what he himself.
20:29
SPEAKER_07: Okay, and I do the laundry.
20:38
SPEAKER_07: We all do it.
20:39
SPEAKER_07: You never yourself before?
20:40
SPEAKER_07: Get out of here.
20:41
SPEAKER_07: We've all been in the middle of the winter with a cold and a sneeze and a oh my god.
20:52
SPEAKER_07: And you gotta throw your underwear away in the bathroom.
20:58
SPEAKER_07: That's real.
21:00
SPEAKER_07: That's real.
21:00
SPEAKER_07: See if J Lo sings about that on her next song.
21:07
SPEAKER_07: You find it funny, it's there.
21:09
SPEAKER_07: I'm telling you, it's there.
21:10
SPEAKER_07: You just gotta know where to look for it.
21:12
SPEAKER_07: You understand?
21:13
SPEAKER_07: I I'm tired sometimes.
21:15
SPEAKER_07: That's why I gotta teach other people to do it, because sometimes I'm too tired to look for it anymore.
21:19
SPEAKER_07: I'm tired all the time.
21:20
SPEAKER_07: I get grumpy.
21:20
SPEAKER_07: My husband said to me, He goes, You're like two different women.
21:23
SPEAKER_07: Sometimes you're nice, sometimes you're mean.
21:25
SPEAKER_07: Two different women.
21:26
SPEAKER_07: Well, aren't you lucky?
21:27
SPEAKER_07: It's a threesome for you every night.
21:30
SPEAKER_07: Menage your mommy, huh?
21:33
SPEAKER_07: I'm not the only woman tired with a career and a kid and all that stuff, because that's why those books, Fifty Shades of Grey, were popular.
21:40
SPEAKER_07: Because the main character ties the woman up.
21:43
SPEAKER_07: And while you're tied up, you don't have to do the laundry, the dishes.
21:55
SPEAKER_07: It's behind the mouth.
22:02
SPEAKER_07: I just bought her and choose it! So much fun.
22:13
SPEAKER_07: I'm tired.
22:14
SPEAKER_07: I know I'm tired because I used to watch all those polygamous documentaries.
22:18
SPEAKER_07: Right?
22:19
SPEAKER_07: I used to watch them and like with the the just with so much energy and verve and get mad because I I mean I get you know I think you understand.
22:26
SPEAKER_07: Like I'm a strong woman.
22:27
SPEAKER_07: Like I get mad at those women.
22:29
SPEAKER_07: How come you don't respect yourself?
22:31
SPEAKER_07: What is wrong with you?
22:32
SPEAKER_07: You don't respect yourself.
22:33
SPEAKER_07: You're gonna take an eighth of a man, that's what you will settle for out of your life.
22:36
SPEAKER_07: Now I watch those shows, I'm like, holy, I need a wife.
22:41
SPEAKER_07: What?
22:43
SPEAKER_07: You mean one broad cooks while the other one cleans, someone watches the kids, I get sex every third night, the rest of the time I sleep in the bed in the shape of an ex, dyeing me the f up.
22:59
SPEAKER_02: That is a healthcare plan! I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man, which I guess the whole point of that is to be like, oh, here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy.
23:13
SPEAKER_02: Photos.
23:14
SPEAKER_02: If I was to do a here's what's waiting for you at home photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the freaking dishes, okay?
23:20
SPEAKER_02: The bills right now.
23:21
SPEAKER_02: My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all.
23:24
SPEAKER_02: He's trying to book me an acting job.
23:27
SPEAKER_02: It is very busy right now.
23:29
SPEAKER_02: I'm just not sexy like that.
23:30
SPEAKER_02: I feel like girls are sexy now.
23:32
SPEAKER_02: I'm not a sexy girlfriend.
23:33
SPEAKER_02: All I do in relationships is fight.
23:34
SPEAKER_02: That's all I ever do in relationships.
23:36
SPEAKER_02: But the thing is that women, we are amazing fighters, right?
23:40
SPEAKER_02: We are amazing fighters.
23:42
SPEAKER_02: We are like emotional ninjas, right?
23:46
SPEAKER_02: Our favorite tactic is the silent treatment.
23:49
SPEAKER_02: That is our jam, right?
23:50
SPEAKER_02: Our man pisses us off.
23:51
SPEAKER_02: He pissed me off.
23:52
SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna talk to him for the rest of the day.
23:54
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna show him.
23:55
SPEAKER_02: Ladies, the silent treatment is not a punishment.
24:03
SPEAKER_02: It's a freaking reward, okay?
24:06
SPEAKER_02: He's like, oh, thank God she shut the hell up.
24:09
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
24:10
SPEAKER_02: I love the silent treatment.
24:12
SPEAKER_02: I get to watch Sports Center again today.
24:15
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna forget her birthday every year.
24:19
SPEAKER_02: Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment.
24:23
SPEAKER_02: Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game, and just ask as many fing questions as possible.
24:35
SPEAKER_01: I don't understand.
24:36
SPEAKER_01: Who's that guy in the striped shirt?
24:39
SPEAKER_01: Does he work at Full Walker?
24:43
SPEAKER_01: I don't understand.
24:44
SPEAKER_01: Why are they all wearing the same outfit?
24:47
SPEAKER_01: When are we gonna have a baby?
24:50
SPEAKER_02: Eventually he will shoot himself in the face and you fing win that argument.
24:56
SPEAKER_02: You cannot defeat a woman in an argument, right?
24:59
SPEAKER_02: It's never happened because women, we never express the emotions we're actually feeling, right?
25:03
SPEAKER_02: Look, when we're emoles pissed off you guys, what do we say?
25:06
SPEAKER_02: I'm fine! I'm fine means I'm about to stab you in the neck.
25:11
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
25:12
SPEAKER_02: Women are very tricky, we're very misleading, right?
25:15
SPEAKER_02: Not only emolish, also physically women are misleading.
25:17
SPEAKER_02: Like you'll see a girl out of the bar, she's like 5'7, you take her home, the shoes come off, she's a gnome, right?
25:24
SPEAKER_02: We're the same way emotionally, and we always express the opposite emotion we're feeling.
25:28
SPEAKER_02: We do it with other women too, right?
25:30
SPEAKER_02: We're always like the opposite with women.
25:32
SPEAKER_02: It happens all the time.
25:32
SPEAKER_02: Like one woman hates another woman, the moment she hates walks in the door.
25:35
SPEAKER_02: It's like, I can't stand that bitch.
25:37
SPEAKER_02: I cannot stand that bitch.
25:38
SPEAKER_02: I hate that bitch.
25:38
SPEAKER_02: I cannot stand a slut.
25:42
SPEAKER_02: You cannot f with that kind of crazy, okay?
25:49
SPEAKER_02: But I feel like all we want you guys to do, all we want you guys to do is ask us how we're feeling, right?
25:54
SPEAKER_02: Ask us what's wrong.
25:55
SPEAKER_02: You finally ask us what's wrong, what do we say?
25:57
SPEAKER_02: Nothing.
25:58
SPEAKER_02: Even if we do it, but it's like, yeah, something's wrong, but if you don't know what it is, I'm not gonna tell you.
26:03
SPEAKER_02: Guys, let me explain that to you, okay?
26:04
SPEAKER_02: Usually when we're pissed off at you but don't tell you why, it's because we snoop through your shit.
26:10
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
26:12
SPEAKER_02: Cell phones, we've had to be incriminating, but we can't yell at you about it, because then we'd have to admit that we snoop through your shit.
26:20
SPEAKER_02: So we just silently punish you for like months until one day it'll just randomly explode out.
26:28
SPEAKER_02: You'll be like, hey baby, do you want to go to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner?
26:31
SPEAKER_02: Oh, why?
26:31
SPEAKER_02: Is that where Julie works?
26:40
SPEAKER_02: I snoop, I don't give a few.