Latest / Beyond the Arc: Reflections on Resilience, Identity, & Life Podcast / Who Decided Empathy Was a Bad Thing?

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Who Decided Empathy Was a Bad Thing? · Beyond the Arc: Reflections on Resilience, Identity, & Life Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Who decided empathy was a bad thing?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Beyond the Arc.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Amy Gamble,
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: and today I want to talk about something I honestly didn't expect to be talking
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: about, empathy.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And more specifically, who decided empathy was a bad thing?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, when did caring about another human being become something we needed to defend?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've been thinking about that because of one simple phrase on one slide in
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: a workshop I'm about to deliver.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Empathy does not equal ownership.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Four words.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently I had a lot to say about them.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: So here we go.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was sitting in my favorite chair thinking about this upcoming workshop
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: when I homed in on that one slide.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it was almost as if the expansiveness of its meaning started growing living threads.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: The workshop is called Caring for Yourself While Caring for Others.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And without getting into all the details,
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: here's the phrase again, empathy does not equal ownership.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Before I knew it,
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was sitting in my living room as if I were in a brainstorming session,
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: except Brownie, my dog, and Mr. Kitty, my cat,
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: aren't the best at answering me back or allowing me to practice some iteration
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: of what I'm going to say on Saturday.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Although, to be fair, they are pretty good listeners.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is when I really miss my mother.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: She'd sit in her chair and listen to me practice my speeches, my transitions, and my one-liners.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes she'd even clap.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: As you know if you've been following along, no more Esther.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So instead, I decided to take this simple phrase, write about it, and share some of my thoughts.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm going to say when I get to that slide, I want to share with you.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we love someone, we are, to some degree, a caregiver.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Some people have made it their lifelong profession to care for others.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Some provide direct care to aging parents, ill spouses, partners, children, friends.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're in a caregiving role,
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I believe empathy is perhaps one of
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: the most important gifts you can offer another person.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I take that a step further.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I believe empathy is a great strength in a person's character.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But having been in both public and private roles where caring was
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: an absolute necessity, I learned something the hard way.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Empathy and ownership are two completely different things.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can offer understanding.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can offer compassion.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I can sit with someone in their pain, but I don't have to own their emotions.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to carry their suffering as if it were mine.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's an important distinction when it comes to caring for ourselves, especially now.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: We live with a fire hose of information coming at us constantly.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: In a nanosecond, we can see suffering happening across the street or across the world.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 99% certain you've seen, heard, or learned about at least one thing today that bothered you.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's, of course,
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: if you haven't subscribed to the somewhat annoying view that empathy is
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: a weakness Normally, I reserve judgment on most things.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I have opinions on many topics, some stronger and more informed than others.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: But truthfully,
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: when I heard some politician go down this pathway
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: of there being too many feminine traits in our system,
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: empathy being one of them, I was like, what kind of bullshit are you trying to sell?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Really, ask yourself the question I did.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why would anyone who cares about humanity and other people claim empathy is
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: a bad quality to have?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: To imply that empathy is some female trait that has somehow infiltrated our systems
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: and institutions as if it were some kind of disease,
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'd argue the real problem is not giving a shit about other people.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: It seems to me,
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: over the course of history,
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: when people start not caring about their fellow man or woman,
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Trouble is usually somewhere on the horizon.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps it's a good time to remember what Maya Angelou once said,
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: when people tell you who they are, believe them.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's where this gets complicated,
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: because sometimes there really is nothing we can do to help someone or change
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: a situation.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we have little to no control over what's happening in front of us.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: But there's an important distinction between having no control over something
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And deciding we don't want to feel uncomfortable because of it.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling someone else's pain doesn't mean we have to own it.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And being unable to fix their pain doesn't mean we have to look away.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I keep coming back to.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: When I look someone eye to eye, I want them to see my empathy coming through strongly.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to know they are seen.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: They are not invisible.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that what we all want anyhow?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you appreciate when someone acknowledges you in a way that makes you feel seen and heard?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: They may not have a solution to your problem.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: They may not be able to change what happened.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: They may not be able to take away your grief, your fear, your disappointment, or your pain.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes their presence,
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: their willingness to hold space,
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: their willingness to simply make a human connection can change the entire course
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: of your day.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: There were a lot of other threads that empathy does not equal ownership went down
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: while I sat on my chair thinking about that one slide.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I'll leave you with something I learned a long time ago,
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: probably in Mrs. Blake's kindergarten class and probably in Sunday school too.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Treat people the way you'd like to be treated.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty simple.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: For me, someone who is empathetic is worth their weight in gold.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to own my feelings.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to carry my pain.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to fix me.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: They just have to let me know I've been seen.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll leave you with one small exercise.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Turn to the person you love and tell them, you matter.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then say to yourself, I matter too.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is Beyond the Arc.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Amy Gamble.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, take care of yourself while you're caring for everybody else too.