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Transcript

I Relapsed Before 2 Years Sober And Now I Can’t Stop · Recovering Out Loud

0:18
Like I remember the first time I came here, it was like you were
0:22
sweating. You're like trying to make
0:23
everything. Around OH.
0:25
My God, yeah. We were just like, yeah, you
0:27
might want to like, wipe your face a little bit.
0:30
Man, thanks for reminding me about that.
0:31
You know you. Come far, you have come so far
0:34
and it's so good to see because even like these cameras too,
0:37
like there was an iPhone, there was something else like you had
0:40
stuff. But even I was inspired too from
0:43
it because it made me want to move forward too.
0:45
And when I had you on my podcast, do you remember how
0:47
much of A shit show that was? So much trial and error, so much
0:51
just like figuring it out, seeing what works doesn't work.
0:54
Does this sound good? And like, that's what I think
0:57
drove me to not want to do so much anymore.
1:00
Which really sucks because I do love the production part of it.
1:04
Like, it's cool, it's fun, I like editing, I like being here.
1:10
But this shit, it's hard. The in between, right?
1:14
The in between yeah and I. Don't.
1:16
I don't think a lot of people realize it though too.
1:18
Like everybody wants to start a podcast until they realize 1.
1:20
You either pay somebody a shit load of money to do all this
1:23
stuff for you, yeah, or you learn it yourself.
1:26
And what people don't realize is the behind the scenes, what
1:29
happened at your on your podcast that day.
1:31
That's happened to me so many times where it's just like, and
1:34
that's how I learned is 'cause I I bang my head, I scrape my knee
1:38
so many times and nobody sees that stuff.
1:40
Right. Oh, I know.
1:41
And you make all the mistakes and then you try not to make
1:43
them again until you do. And then you're like, what the
1:46
fuck am I doing? But no, I'm really happy to be
1:49
back because this is kind of what I needed to.
1:51
Because obviously I like with my podcast that I have called Talks
1:55
on the Rocks, I haven't done much with it because it's
1:58
actually going to be ending completely.
2:02
And the reason why is because I'm not doing good.
2:05
Basically, it's just where am I going with this?
2:09
But also I've been relapsing a lot and it's just like, I'm so
2:13
sad to talk about this. I don't mean to like get sad
2:16
better now, but like it's, it's hard to just like put yourself
2:20
out there, but it's a lot of pressure.
2:24
There's a lot of pressure going on with me in my life right now
2:26
that I just, I want to take it back.
2:28
I want to go, I want to move forward with it.
2:30
And I think the podcast has seen enough.
2:33
It's seen me go through so much shit where, you know, I got my
2:37
nose surgery at the beginning. That was a huge pivotal moment,
2:41
my recovery because it's like, OK, I'm like, I was like, I
2:44
don't know, two years clean off of cocaine and I'm like, I'm
2:47
getting that nose surgery. The one that everyone talks
2:50
about, the free nose job that everyone talks about who does
2:53
cocaine and who has the hole in their septum.
2:55
And I got it. So I like reached that moment.
2:58
And then afterwards I relapsed quickly because my mom passed
3:01
away. So it's like the podcast has
3:03
seen enough. It's seen me go through a lot of
3:06
shit, especially with my relapsing too.
3:11
And it almost came to a point where I'm just like, should I
3:14
just keep relapsing and talk about it on the podcast 'cause
3:16
it's like good content. That's where it went.
3:19
And it's so fucked up to think that because I don't want to
3:24
people please on other people and I don't owe anybody anything
3:28
in that sense. So it's just about myself and
3:31
it's about what I need in my life because as much as the
3:36
podcast kept me accountable, as much as it did help me with
3:40
people coming to me and having that Instagram and people having
3:44
it open for people, I, I, it's, it just got too much.
3:50
But then again, like, that was my favorite part about it too,
3:54
was helping others. And as much as like, you know, I
3:57
went into the podcast not wanting to, I'm like, Oh my God,
4:01
please don't ask me anything. I'm not a professional.
4:04
But no, it, it, I ended up helping a lot of people and I
4:07
have a lot of like personal people that have their stories
4:10
and how I've been a pivotal part of it.
4:12
And it's so great to hear that. But then I'm not doing well and
4:20
my life is in shambles and I'm relapsing and relapsing and
4:24
relapsing and I can't get out of it.
4:27
And I think about doing the podcast and I think it's like a
4:30
chore. Like I'm like, fuck, I got to
4:33
record this. I got to talk about this now or,
4:35
you know, so I just decided to end it.
4:38
It might come back, it might not.
4:40
I'm still in the works with it. But I know right now is not a
4:45
good time for me to keep continuing because of I need to
4:49
just heal in so many other ways. I obviously like, I don't need
4:54
to go back to rehab, but there's times where it's like, OK, get
4:58
me back down to those church basements type of thing.
5:01
And there's a lot in my recovery that I'm missing.
5:04
There's a lot that I don't do that I should be doing.
5:08
And you're going to always keep shooting yourself and I should
5:13
do this and I should do this and that's going to be that's going
5:16
to come. But I'm, there's a lot of
5:18
shoulds right now and I'm so aware of it that I heard how
5:23
aware of it I am. It's really frustrating.
5:28
But, yeah, I kind of wanted to start like, 'cause I, I, I don't
5:31
mean to use your platform as something for me to, like, give
5:34
out, but I haven't told anybody about this yet, 'cause I didn't
5:38
want to. I don't want to like, I don't
5:41
know, you know, when, like, celebrities make those, like,
5:44
videos, like, sorry, videos or I'm ending this or this isn't
5:47
happening. Yeah, I know.
5:48
Like, I'd rather kind of talk about it in real life.
5:52
But I always felt really good and comfortable on your podcast.
5:56
And I always say, like everything that you've talked
5:57
about, like, you know, you've had an episode where it was like
6:00
about your identity and sobriety that like, I'm going through
6:06
that right now. Trying to figure out who you are
6:08
sober, kind of. Thing yes, and I had so much
6:11
confidence before when I had the podcast and I'm like, Yep, sober
6:14
Sally, sober Sally. This these last few months I got
6:18
a new job and this job requires I do like live events.
6:25
I do live concerts, a lot of nights out, a lot of clubs,
6:30
pubs, alcohol everywhere type thing, which it's always been
6:34
such a trigger for me. It's always been a dangerous,
6:37
dangerous path for me. But since I'm actually in the
6:40
sales part of it, so I work 9:00 to 5:00 in office and you know,
6:44
the only way I need to actually make the sales is like go to
6:48
these type of events. And now I'm really nervous and
6:54
it sucks because now where am I with my sobriety?
6:58
What do I say? Do I say I don't drink?
7:00
Oh, but are they going to like it's it?
7:02
I don't know what to do anymore. And it's, it's really shitty
7:05
because I used to be so confident in it and I, I took a
7:09
lot for me to be confident in it.
7:11
And now I'm just like, I know my sobriety is going to be safe
7:16
with me. I just can't do it out loud.
7:21
For now, right. And that's The thing is like you
7:23
don't have to put a pin in it. You're putting a pin in it.
7:25
It's not burying and and under 6 feet of sand and.
7:28
And it's gone forever, right? Yeah, it's just not going to be
7:31
gone forever. It's still going to be up.
7:33
Like people can still message me.
7:34
I'm going to have my gratitude list there 'cause that does help
7:37
me a lot. And I know a lot of people
7:38
gained a lot from that. I'm just going to be kind of
7:41
going out in different ways, you know?
7:44
It's just the more and more I think about it, it makes me more
7:47
and more pressured and I feel more sad and I just don't want
7:51
to feel sad anymore about it. Obviously with the relapse that
7:55
I'm dealing with. They're they're pretty.
7:59
They're like, I use very dangerously, like very so.
8:09
Can you can you like walk us through?
8:12
So how did we get to this place? Yeah, walk, walk us through.
8:16
In case people haven't seen your first episode.
8:18
Yeah. What was your last day like
8:20
using before this relapse and then your last day?
8:24
Maybe not. Well, let's start with what was
8:26
your last day using before you got sober the first time?
8:30
The last day that I used before, so that was when my mom passed
8:34
away and I used, but I did like one line I grabbed and then I
8:38
flushed it in the toilet 'cause this is when I started the
8:40
podcast. After that, a year sober and it
8:43
was a great year. Hard, not easy.
8:49
You know, time went by, things happened.
8:53
The loneliness is really what's hard right now because yeah,
8:58
like, it's I do live alone and I do have a lot of friends, but I
9:02
felt like my addiction was pushing me to isolate every
9:05
fucking day. And like, I could hear this
9:08
fucking addiction just being like, you just want to stay in
9:10
right now. You just don't want to go out.
9:11
You want to cancel on these people.
9:14
Oh, you're too sick to do these dance rehearsals or go to this
9:17
show? Because I'm like, I do dance and
9:19
I have shows coming up and sometimes I just won't even show
9:21
up for rehearsals. And that's what led me to just
9:25
say no, might as well. But it's almost just, it was me
9:32
feeling bad for myself and me victimizing myself because I've
9:35
talked about this before too. I love victimizing myself.
9:39
Like I love kidding me. It's it's so true.
9:42
And I just love like the whole poor me, poor me, like, you
9:45
know, I have to deal with this. I have to do this.
9:47
I have to, you know, I, I have so much, like it's so much
9:52
harder. I have it way harder than you
9:54
do. And I'm, I know this about
9:56
myself too, which is so fucking frustrating 'cause I'm just
10:00
like, Emily, No, shut the fuck up.
10:02
Like you're not special. You're nothing like how you're
10:06
talking about yourself right now.
10:09
And this is where I didn't take a step back.
10:12
I did. The first thing that came to my
10:15
mind was you drugs. I use drugs.
10:17
That's the first thing and it's sad because I talk about, I
10:20
think about the drugs first before the drink, which is not
10:26
normal normally I guess. I mean, I it happens.
10:29
That's me. I'm I'm an addict through and
10:31
through. Yeah.
10:32
I don't think about a cold beer. I think about.
10:35
Yeah, I think about coke. Like that's.
10:36
That's it. And it's so frustrating too,
10:39
because I did at first like walking through how I kind of
10:42
been relapsing. I tested the waters like, you
10:46
know, I've been at this for 10 years and I still believe that I
10:49
can control it. I still believe that and I still
10:53
believe I can control my drinking.
10:54
But I am so fucking powerless over this.
10:57
And I had I went out, I didn't even go out.
11:00
I actually just like picked up like a six pack and I just
11:03
started drinking thinking let's test the waters here.
11:06
Literally 2 beers later, I'm on the phone and I'm going
11:10
downstairs and it like even on like the weekday too.
11:15
So I'm like in a dangerous position right now where I, I'm
11:20
not, I know recovery is messy and everyone has their shit and
11:26
I'm, I, I hear that and I don't want to give myself more guilt
11:30
and shame about it because it's, that's what's killing me as
11:33
well, but. I think though, a lot of people
11:37
can relate and I'm, I'm really happy you came on and are so
11:39
open and vulnerable to talk about this.
11:41
Cause I think a lot of people can relate to the isolation
11:44
piece. And even me, like I've been
11:46
doing this a long time and it doesn't go away.
11:48
Like my brain tells me to just stay at home because it's easier
11:52
because poor me, I, I have self pity all the time, right?
11:56
And it's like, I don't know, it's, it's one of those things
12:00
that it just keeps happening. And the only, and this, this
12:05
sucks to say and no one wants to hear this, but the only antidote
12:09
to not feeling like doing something is doing it.
12:12
Like it's so annoying. And so, but it's, it's the only
12:16
antidote. It's the only answer to doing
12:18
things. And like even, you know, with
12:20
this podcast, with anything in my life going to recovery
12:23
things, I can't tell you how many times I'm dragging my ass
12:26
to them. And it's like I just, the good
12:30
thing is my brain and my feet aren't always connected, right?
12:33
And it's like, I can't tell you how many times I just show up to
12:36
things and like I'm literally praying, talking to myself,
12:39
praying, talking to me like help me get through this.
12:41
Help me do this, help me do this.
12:43
Anthony, shut up. Stop being a bitch.
12:44
Stop it. That's literally like that's
12:46
what's going on in my head. And it is exhausting.
12:48
But I mean, it doesn't. In my experience, it doesn't
12:50
last. It just when you're in it, Yeah,
12:53
it doesn't help. You it well when.
12:55
You're hearing that doesn't help.
12:56
You no, absolutely not 'cause when you're in it, you're only
12:58
on one mindset and you have tunnel vision.
13:00
And it's like, when can I use next?
13:02
So I'll be honest, the last time I just used was like this
13:05
weekend, which was pretty bad because it's Mother's Day.
13:09
And like I remember too well, I remember it was just a couple
13:12
days ago. I, I woke up after using and I
13:16
still had some leftover and I was like, OK, what do I do with
13:23
this? Do like it was such a battle
13:26
back and forth and it was one of those things where I couldn't
13:29
flush it down the toilet. I ended up using it and I
13:33
literally was in my bathroom looking at myself crying while
13:37
I'm rolling up the bill thinking I don't want to do this.
13:39
You don't want to do this, you don't want to do this, but I
13:41
still do it. That's what's really fucking
13:44
frustrating right now is that I can't, it's, I'm powerless.
13:50
And I think this is a good time for me to come back on this
13:52
podcast because, you know, I'm not checking off the boxes.
13:57
I'm not doing much to do it. But I know the life that I had
14:03
before and I know the life that I created and I loved it.
14:08
Things just got hard. But then, you know, relapsing
14:12
isn't the answer because now we're look, it's I'm back into
14:17
that phase. So in that year that you the
14:22
first time around, what did you do that you think that worked?
14:26
I did. So I did go to like a lot of
14:28
recovery meetings then too. I had a therapist.
14:32
I, you know, what worked was my confidence in my sobriety.
14:37
I didn't care what people thought.
14:38
I didn't want to care what people thought.
14:41
And I was just like, I, I don't drink.
14:44
I don't drink. This is it.
14:45
This is good. I was good lately.
14:50
It's just my brain kind of tricking me and my addiction,
14:55
especially, I think with, you know, this new job turn around
14:59
and it's not like this job has made me relapse or anything, but
15:02
there's just a lot that I do that talks about a lot of like
15:05
alcohol consuming and I'm in just this weird place about it.
15:11
Have you been out to a lot of events with them?
15:13
Just one actually. They invited me to a lot, but I
15:16
said no. And then it's one of those
15:18
things where it's like I'm a home alone and like they're
15:21
doing the events and it's like, oh, I could be networking, I
15:23
could be doing this, I could be making money in that sense.
15:26
So it's like, and I'm not trying to justify it by being like, oh,
15:30
this job is not good for me. It's it's a good job overall.
15:34
I'm just, I'm, I'm just really want to separate my recovery
15:39
from it, which can be hard 'cause now I feel like I'm back
15:46
to living like 2 separate lives. And I used to try to make it all
15:51
in one. Like even with my Instagram I
15:53
would, I took like, I took like a content creating like course.
15:59
I don't know, actually, you might know her, but she lived in
16:01
Liberty Village. She lives in Mexico now, but she
16:04
did these content creating courses and you know, she told
16:06
me she's like, you have to make it all one Instagram.
16:09
You can't have them separately. And I was like, no, I have my
16:13
personal, I have my talks on the rocks separate.
16:16
And then that's kind of why I made like Emily off the rocks to
16:18
kind of connect it. And now it's not like that
16:21
anymore 'cause I don't want to connect it at all because now
16:25
I'm reaching out to like event venues and like, who'd want to
16:29
work with somebody who's like this?
16:30
But then again, it's not like a bad thing either.
16:34
But when I'm struggling. It feels like a curse.
16:38
It's a curse and it's just like I feel like it's just a 22 ended
16:42
sword. I, I feel like I just can't win
16:46
with a lot of things, and that's what makes me want to use.
16:51
So yeah, poor me, poor me. I.
16:57
Mean listen, you're, you're getting honest and vulnerable
17:00
about it. It's, it's the, I mean, the fact
17:04
that you even showed up today. I know, honestly.
17:07
If I used on the weekend, I wouldn't be here.
17:08
Oh, no, honestly, yeah. I'm surprised too, because I'm
17:12
like, literally like when I was trying to go to bed last night.
17:15
It's like, you know, things were, you know how you know, the
17:18
feeling, the calm down. And I'm like, how am I going to
17:20
do this tomorrow? But I showed up to work today.
17:22
I did my job. I, I do well at my job too.
17:26
And I knew coming today was going to help me because at
17:28
least if I'm vulnerable here, I can help other people because
17:31
talks on the rocks has always been about that vulnerability.
17:36
And that's kind of why I wanted to take a break from it because
17:40
I don't want to, I don't want to talk about my struggles anymore.
17:45
I just kind of want to leave it. But I'm here.
17:49
So if this, if your platform can help people, then that's what I
17:54
want. But the podcast, it just needs
17:57
to end. I mean, again, let's put a pin
18:00
in it, right? It's it's not forever.
18:02
You can get back to it. But essentially, yeah, you said
18:04
it perfectly right off the top. You said I need to work on
18:06
myself first before I can start trying to focus on other people
18:10
because that's an important part of recovery.
18:12
Helping others is, is probably one of the most important parts
18:15
of my recovery, but I have to get sort of right with myself in
18:19
the beginning. And like, I know the exact when
18:22
you're, as you're talking to me, I, I can feel the pain and I, I
18:25
know 'cause I've been in that situation when I relapse after 7
18:28
1/2 years, like I didn't jump right back into this thing.
18:31
No, fuck no, no, I wanted to. Keep.
18:34
Going the obsession of every alcoholic or abnormal drinker or
18:37
user is that one day he or she will control his drinking like I
18:42
I'll beat the game this. Yeah, that's, Oh my God, all the
18:45
time. Like, when is this just going to
18:46
be over for me? Like when am I going to, you
18:49
know, I'll be 15 years sober and things are great.
18:51
Like it's so fucking. It's not like that.
18:55
It's not that easy. If it was easy, everybody would
18:58
be doing it, obviously. And if drinking was my problem,
19:01
then rehab would have fixed me forever.
19:03
Oh my God, it's a thinking thing.
19:04
It's, it is, it's a mindset. And I'm, I'm not using that part
19:10
either because I've learned so much in the past like 10 plus
19:13
years that I've been trying to work on my coverage because my
19:15
first rehab was in 2018. And I was like thinking, this is
19:20
just a break. And this is when I was like in
19:23
such a different place in my life, like I was dating a drug
19:25
dealer. I was like, you know, hooked and
19:27
hooked. But I thought, OK, this is just
19:29
a break. I'm going to go back into this.
19:32
Or at least I'll just drink and not use, but I'll of course.
19:35
And then that's how you learn. And then that's what I'm
19:38
learning about myself too. And it's, I think I'm just
19:42
frustrated in myself now because here we are 2026, I'm 35.
19:47
Why am I still doing this? So and then also too, it's not
19:52
like people are pressuring me. It's my mind.
19:55
It's fucking my mind. Yeah.
19:58
So I don't like that. Yeah, it's, it's terrible 'cause
20:04
you can't escape it, right? And you can't run away from it.
20:08
What, what are the thoughts like?
20:10
What do drugs do for you? Honestly, the first the first
20:14
thing like the first time I use. I don't want to trigger B2
20:17
triggering or anything, but the first time I use like it just
20:21
gives me something that it's like OK, everything's gonna be
20:24
OK. But even just like the whole
20:28
like the building up to it. I love texting the dealer and
20:34
seeing like it's on WhatsApp, seeing those two check marks
20:36
light up. That gives me dopamine telling
20:39
him he's gonna be a couple minutes.
20:40
That gives me dopamine going downstairs.
20:42
That could be. And once it happens, I'm like,
20:45
OK, that was, that was cool. And then it's like, you're
20:48
almost like, hey, now I got to do this.
20:50
And that's where my addiction tricks me.
20:53
It's like, you don't have to, but I do also.
20:57
I don't, I'm not. I have so many people that reach
21:03
out to me and that love me. And my phone is like heavy with
21:07
numbers, but I don't use them. And that's what Christine always
21:10
told me. She's always so annoying with
21:12
that because she's just like, your phone should be so heavy
21:16
with all these numbers and. That's the problem.
21:17
Is too heavy. And I'm like, yeah, I don't want
21:19
to pick it up and do it. Yeah.
21:21
And I'm not somebody that just like calls.
21:23
But even like today, This is why I think this is kind of like
21:26
divine timing in a way, because having that person call me today
21:30
when I don't really even know him and he's struggling and
21:34
wants to call me, I'm like, whoa, like I felt like a little
21:39
bit of a godshot there. And then now I'm here and I'm
21:42
talking about it. This.
21:46
I know this could be a huge pivotal moment in my life if I
21:48
make it and I have options. I have the choice before.
21:55
Once I have that first drink, I don't.
21:58
Yeah. Can you talk a little bit about
21:59
that? Like what does that look like
22:00
for the people? Cause I know a lot of people,
22:03
myself included alcohol. Yes, I'm an alcoholic.
22:06
I can say that because when I use alcohol, I break out into
22:09
cocaine and drugs. Like I just, I have an abnormal
22:12
allergy. I have an abnormal reaction.
22:14
What does that look like when you had that the first six pack
22:17
And like, how do you how do you relate alcohol to drugs and.
22:20
Yeah, I honestly just 'cause I know alcohol can just, like,
22:23
make me really messy. I, you know, start going on
22:25
dating apps, I start doing stupid shit, messaging people I
22:29
shouldn't be messaging. And then with cocaine, it helps
22:34
me just wire up, right? Like, evens you out.
22:37
But thing is, cocaine doesn't really work for me that well
22:40
because I still have, like, a big hole in my septum that it's
22:44
like, it goes through, but then it just comes right out.
22:47
Like, it doesn't work. Yeah, like through my throat.
22:50
You get nasty drips. I do and it's disgusting and
22:54
like I wake up with like bloody tissues because I'm like, what
22:57
the fuck happens, right? Like it's This is why I feel
23:01
like I'm it's so dangerous for me to use because I do it alone.
23:05
And then also I'm I'm literally bleeding out and it's it's, it's
23:12
not good and I'm it's, it's something, it's a it's a problem
23:17
right now. So like I said, I'm glad I'm
23:20
here. But then again, you know, I
23:26
don't want people to think, oh, she's in trouble.
23:31
But see, I don't like This is why this is so, so hard.
23:33
Like caring what people think is what's got me like into
23:37
podcasting in the 1st place 'cause when people were talking
23:41
about an overdose that I had a couple years back, I'm like, I'm
23:44
going to make a podcast and I'm going to talk about everything.
23:47
And it turned out great and I felt great.
23:49
And now I'm back to I care about what people think.
23:54
It's like fuck. What was it was overdose like?
23:58
It was scary. It was so I actually went into
24:01
work, I was working at like it was kind of like a social
24:05
Wellness club and I was a manager at a restaurant and like
24:08
thank God there is alcohol there 'cause like it was bad.
24:11
It's like 2 nights of just straight and I went to work and
24:15
all of a sudden I just felt like numbness coming through and then
24:19
I ended up passing out and I went to the hospital and there
24:24
ended up being fentanyl and the cocaine that I had.
24:27
And I talk about that on my podcast and I'm very honest and
24:30
open about that. And then like, you know, it's
24:32
funny, 'cause my ex-boyfriend, he was my emergency contact, but
24:37
he wasn't my boyfriend then either and he was still on my
24:40
emergency contact list. So my work's calling him being
24:43
like Emily's in the hospital. He's like we're not dating
24:45
anymore. This was like recent after we
24:47
broke up because of his drinking.
24:49
And so then that that hit me where I'm like, oh fuck, here we
24:53
go, 'cause then he tells people and then other people come to me
24:56
and then I have like my aunt from, you know, my hometown
24:59
asking me about it. So that's what drives me insane
25:03
too, 'cause it's like, This is why I need to just let go of
25:06
what people think. Like, yes, it happened, but I
25:08
want to take back this power. I want to be able to say yes,
25:12
I'm an addict alcoholic and I'm struggling and that's OK.
25:19
Why is it so hard to call people 'cause I, I, I struggling with
25:22
it too? No, it's you're not alone on
25:24
that. There's a lot of people.
25:25
I think it's just like what I get I get nervous about is that
25:28
people will be like, OK, I'm coming over.
25:30
I'm like, no, I like one time I was so like I was on like a
25:35
Bender. It was a while ago, but my
25:37
friend, she actually just passed away a couple years ago due to
25:40
alcoholism, but she called me while I was on like day three
25:44
maybe. And she's just like, OK, I'm
25:46
going to come over. I'm, I'm coming over.
25:48
I'm like, dude, if you come over, I'm going to slam the door
25:50
in your face and I'm going to be like, just not happy with you,
25:54
'cause This is why I didn't want to talk, 'cause you're now going
25:57
to try to help me and I don't want to help, you know?
26:00
And then it leads to like, oh shit, oh shit, now this is
26:02
serious. It's like this.
26:06
It's sort of like this. It's why conundrum of I want the
26:09
pain to stop but I don't want to give up my failed solution, my
26:13
medicine with little drugs and alcohol.
26:15
Like I don't want to stop using yes, but I want the pain to go
26:17
away. Yes.
26:19
And it's like you're, you know, you call people because you feel
26:21
like, OK, this is a good idea. And then after, it's like that
26:24
was a bad idea. It is.
26:26
It's always a good. Idea.
26:27
It is always a good idea, absolutely.
26:29
The key for me is like, I have to call people when I'm
26:31
struggling before I pick up, right?
26:34
And I I mean, I know you. See, I pick up and then I call.
26:37
Because then because cocaine, I used to call people all the time
26:40
when I was high because I would get dopamine from talking and
26:43
that's what cocaine does. And I was like you.
26:45
I mean, by the end of my last relapse I ended up at after
26:48
hours. But I like to be alone too.
26:49
Like I would I would go to after hours by myself because I didn't
26:54
again. Yeah.
26:54
I didn't like if I used around you, you were judging me, like
26:57
unless you were right. So I was like, I could you know
27:00
what? I'm just going to do this alone
27:01
anyway because I don't like when people are, you know, I'm using
27:04
more than people and it makes me.
27:05
Unfortunate if they, yeah, like I always feel judged about like,
27:08
you know, how much I'm using or how big my lines are or
27:12
everything like that and how many I'm taking in a row because
27:15
like, for me and my nose and everything, takes a lot for me
27:18
to get high now. A lot.
27:20
Tolerance goes way up. Yeah.
27:22
So I'm, I'm just like right now, yes, I'm in this place where I'm
27:27
just feeling a lot of pressure from just having to having to
27:35
have to talk about it. But I'm glad I'm talking about
27:39
it here because at least with this platform, I'll be able to
27:42
kind of, like you said, put a pin in it and go from there.
27:47
And now, like in my head right now, it's so crazy.
27:49
I'm like, oh fuck, I shouldn't have said any of this.
27:51
Oh fuck, you know, isn't that fucking crazy?
27:54
It's telling on yourself. It's.
27:56
Literally like Oh my God, you. Just came.
27:58
Worst idea ever. Why did I do this?
28:00
Because I thought you had, because Emily, there's something
28:03
inside of you that wants this pain to stop and knows that it
28:06
can stop. Otherwise you wouldn't have come
28:08
here. You wouldn't be reaching out.
28:09
You would just say fuck it and and use until you die, right?
28:13
There's a piece inside of you and inside everybody that's
28:16
like, no, you're better than this dude.
28:18
And and like this, it doesn't have to be the way you live the
28:20
rest of your life. And you know that I do and it,
28:23
but it's like, why? Why is it so hard to call
28:27
someone? And why is it so hard to go to
28:28
rehab? Because you mentioned that right
28:30
off the top. You're like, I don't think I
28:31
need rehab. I needed rehab three times.
28:33
Like all three times. It's straight up, I couldn't
28:35
stop by myself. And I'm not saying you need
28:37
rehab. Maybe you do, maybe you don't,
28:39
but why is that so hard to go to rehab?
28:40
Yeah, well, obviously we're all going to use the same excuse
28:43
about it. Like, you know, oh, I'm in a
28:45
point in my life where my work's going well, this is going well.
28:47
We're going to use every single fucking excuse in the book.
28:51
I can't afford rehab anymore. That's like out the drain.
28:54
And I'm, I do have the tools now to come back into it to
28:59
understand 'cause my awareness of it is so crystal clear that I
29:04
know. And there's just there's
29:07
planning that I need to do, especially like when it comes to
29:10
my weekends, like, hey, Friday night, I should try to make
29:12
plans with like my brother and my nephews, you know, trying to
29:17
reach out more in that sense before I pick up because once I
29:20
pick up, like I'm gone. But I need, I have those
29:23
options, right? And that's it's just the choice
29:27
at the end of the day. And at some somebody actually
29:30
told me like after like a couple relapses ago, I was like, I'm
29:34
just doing this to myself. Like this isn't benefiting
29:37
anyone at all. It's not benefiting me.
29:40
It's not, this isn't doing anything for me.
29:43
And then I'm like, I chose this. But then I think also too, like
29:47
you choose to either fight or give in And like I just chose to
29:52
stop fighting 'cause I got tired.
29:55
I got tired and now I'm fighting to get out of it.
30:00
So This is why, like it's so hard to talk about because I
30:07
don't get it either. I don't know.
30:11
It's sort of that leap of faith that we have to do in the
30:13
beginning. And yeah, I mean, yeah, rehab's
30:16
hard. Going to rehab's hard.
30:18
Going to government funded rehab is hard.
30:20
There's more obstacles in the way because you have to wait and
30:22
stuff like that. But there is, there's always a
30:24
way, right? I mean, if you wanted to go to
30:26
rehab, I'm sure you could find a way to go to rehab.
30:28
Yeah, you're right there. It's just I know what you're
30:30
trying to. Do right.
30:32
I work at a rehab. So.
30:33
Oh, do you really? Yeah, I do.
30:35
I'll tell you after. OK.
30:37
OK, but it's in the city. But.
30:40
It's OK, I think I know which one you're talking.
30:42
About, but like, why, why is rehab so hard?
30:44
Because it's like, I have a job. I have a, I'm not saying for
30:48
you, it was hard for me to go to Like I'm just why for an addict,
30:51
is it so hard to go to rehab? I think 'cause you're ultimately
30:54
giving up the chance that you'll ever you're, you're kind of
30:58
giving into this idea that maybe I, maybe I can't do this alone.
31:03
Yeah, but then I still think, OK, let's just go back to
31:06
meetings, let's just do this, let's get a sponsor, let's work
31:09
the fucking steps. Why not?
31:11
You know, and I probably shouldn't talk about anything
31:13
about those type of meetings or anything, 'cause it's like a
31:18
part of the tradition or whatever.
31:19
But that's where my mind goes first before it's like, hey,
31:22
wait, wait, wait before rehab. There's so much I could do that
31:26
I'm not doing today. But then this is my addiction
31:28
talking. I mean, that's it's true though.
31:30
I mean, there's, there's not everyone goes to rehab, right?
31:34
Not everyone has to go to rehab. I know.
31:35
And I judge people sometimes, too.
31:37
If, like, you didn't go to rehab, you're not real, like a
31:40
real addict. And like, I was such an asshole
31:42
because my one friend, she's in recovery and she just doesn't
31:45
drink. And she's like, well, Emily, not
31:46
everyone can afford it. I'm like, Oh my God, yeah.
31:49
A privileged fucking. Person like I feel like such an
31:52
asshole 'cause I'm just like OK, I've been at 2 rehabs and no,
31:58
clearly there is more than work I need to do.
32:01
There's a lot of work that I need to do and I think starting
32:04
here, it's Monday, I went to work today.
32:07
I come here, I'm going to go home, I'm going to walk my dog,
32:11
I'm going to order a pizza and I'll go to bed.
32:15
And that is a huge fucking win. Huge.
32:19
One day at a time, right? And as long as I can just focus
32:22
on that, like that's how I know. But like I said, I think I'm
32:27
just, I don't want, I'm kind of scared to now be this whole
32:33
person on the Internet that is sober because I can't help
32:37
anybody and I still need to help myself.
32:40
There's a lot of healing that I still need to do.
32:43
And I it's just like, I hate being like a poster child of it
32:47
all. Like people see your face and
32:49
they're just like, oh, Anthony the sober guy.
32:51
And like, that's you love that. I'm here being like, Oh, no.
32:55
I mean you, but yeah, you have to anyone that goes public on
33:00
the there's days, don't get me wrong, there's days where
33:02
sometimes I'm like, fuck, can I ever get like a normal job
33:04
again? Like with the stigma and stuff,
33:07
right? Yeah.
33:09
But I don't know when you. It is the stigma, I think that's
33:13
what's getting me. And I've heard actually this
33:15
just happened at my job not too long ago because like we talked
33:19
to vendors a lot and there's somebody that I recommended who
33:22
has a sober market and he sells non alcoholic drinks and he, you
33:27
know, makes mocktails and whatever.
33:29
And I suggested that, you know, we should because he wanted to
33:32
be a part of a festival that we were holding.
33:35
And he ended up being like a huge Dick I guess.
33:38
And everyone was talking about it and after the meeting and he
33:41
everyone was like, oh, I guess he just needs a drink.
33:44
And I was like laughing at it, but I'm like, oh fuck, it's
33:46
actually horrible. It's.
33:48
Awful, you know, like that's awful because I know who this
33:51
person is. Like, you know, deep down he's
33:52
not a Dick, but yeah, he's an entrepreneur or whatever.
33:55
He's going to say what he needs to say.
33:56
But like saying that like, you know, I think this person just
34:00
sounds like he needs a fucking drink.
34:01
That's so fucked up. And I'm just like, damn.
34:06
And then my mind goes back to where it was, you know, my
34:08
confidence and my sobriety goes room and I, I don't know how to
34:14
handle it anymore. Like it's just little things
34:17
that have been happening here and there, you know, and it's
34:21
good like because my last job before was like very alcohol
34:25
driven. Like, you know, the office, like
34:27
Toronto offices, they all have, you know, those kegs and beer
34:31
fridges and people are doing, especially in like my industry,
34:34
people are doing lines in the bathroom.
34:35
And you know, that was like at my last job, this job.
34:38
No, But why am I feeling this pressure about still feeling
34:42
that I could control my drinking now and when alcohol doesn't
34:47
really be talked about at all? Except, you know, when we're
34:49
talking about this? It's everywhere, everywhere I
34:53
go, I'm there, right, I take myself with me.
34:56
So it's like it doesn't matter what, like any form of you
35:01
mentioned it. I when I asked you what drugs
35:03
and alcohol do for you, you basically said relief quiet, no
35:09
problems, right. And This is why spirituality
35:13
works so well for a lot of people is because the power
35:16
greater than myself thing. It's like drugs and alcohol were
35:20
that power are that power and it works.
35:23
Otherwise we wouldn't get into it, right?
35:25
It takes away the problems. Whenever I have fear, it's gone.
35:29
Whenever I have worry, anxiety or they're thinking about me,
35:32
they're because all those insecurities you talked about,
35:34
we all have them. It's just some people.
35:36
How we deal with it is is different.
35:38
And so your brain, my brain, when I'm in early, when I'm in
35:43
active addiction, my brain is like, I know what worked every
35:46
time I'm going to go back to drugs because it's a shortcut.
35:49
It works and my brain doesn't know any other way to do it
35:52
right. But I mean.
35:55
I also forget about where it brings me to.
35:58
I also forget to like, you know, they tell you like the Fast
36:01
forward those tapes. All the way through.
36:03
All the way through, don't think about what's going to happen an
36:06
hour. Think about the next morning.
36:08
Think about your day. The next day, think about who
36:11
you be disappointing. Think about, you know, like they
36:14
say, it's like a family disease. Who what attachments are you
36:17
going to be losing in some ways? And that's coming.
36:21
I know that's that's coming. And it's it's like I said, like
36:25
relapsing has it's been here, but like, you know, it's recent
36:30
obviously too. But see, this is like, I don't
36:35
want to justify that what I'm doing is OK because it's not.
36:40
And I know with your ears and you're hearing me being like,
36:43
this girl needs rehab, right? No, not necessarily.
36:47
You need help, but I mean, so did I.
36:50
So do millions of people around the world.
36:52
How many people don't fucking talk about this shit?
36:54
Well, and I think that's why the judgement of it all, but.
37:00
There's people suffering right now as we speak, doesn't even
37:02
have a house on the street going through the same.
37:04
Thing I but we could easily be that person too.
37:07
And like, that's what I always, you know, always judged as well.
37:10
Like when I first went to my first meeting, I was in rehab
37:14
and I'm like, I am not as bad as all these people.
37:16
And then I was like, you know, you grow into it.
37:18
And as you learn more about yourself, like, Oh my God, I
37:20
could totally be that homeless person drinking out of a brown
37:24
paper bag under the bridge easily, easily.
37:29
Can you tell me about the progression?
37:30
Like how has it gotten worse since you relapsed?
37:32
How's. It gotten worse since like.
37:34
So what do you mean? Just how?
37:36
I mean, for me it got way worse every time I relapsed.
37:39
I was doing new drugs. I was oh.
37:41
OK. I was in places I said I would
37:43
never. Go oh OK OK yeah so I like I
37:46
stay home. I keep to myself, but like the
37:49
isolation is what my addiction wants and the isolation is what
37:53
my addiction feeds off of. And so when I say it gets worse,
37:57
like using a lone and how much I'm using, that's dangerous.
38:00
Cause all who I'm, I'm, I live alone and you know, I, I don't
38:05
have like any crazy thoughts of me like wanting to go out and do
38:08
stuff. It's just me being alone and
38:09
just like feeling nothing. That's all I care about.
38:13
And it could be dangerous cause what if I overdose there?
38:17
What if something happened and no one's around?
38:20
That's what's scary you. Have a dog?
38:22
Right. Yeah, yeah.
38:24
And she would just be like, probably.
38:26
What the fuck? No, she knows.
38:28
Oh, my God. I think she she does know.
38:31
Yeah. Every time she sees my head go
38:33
to that table. No, she's always going to love
38:35
me. And like, I know.
38:36
And it's bad because like, I'll look at her the next day and I
38:39
tell her like, I am the worst mom in the world.
38:42
And she's like, like I can say she's like, no, you're not.
38:44
No, you're not. You're just going through this.
38:46
This is just hard. But I This is why I like, I
38:51
don't love myself right now. And I think also too, a lot had
38:55
to do with going back on dating apps.
38:57
And I know you had somebody on here that talked about that
38:59
cause hope, my God, it's so true.
39:02
Like you just feel like worse and worse and worse and worse
39:05
than you about yourself. And that's kind of where my
39:07
addiction came back is feeling so much worse for myself.
39:12
And then like, yeah, let's go for a drink.
39:14
And then, you know, they ghost you or they're just picking you
39:16
and it's like, you just feel like, am I not enough?
39:19
And I thought really would trigger my addiction as well
39:22
because I do have like that trauma and I do have, you know,
39:27
people are not believing in me or I don't feel like I'm enough.
39:31
So that really triggered a lot. And it's funny, 'cause like the
39:35
year, the first year that I got sober, I told everybody, like,
39:39
podcast host here, I'm not going to date until, I mean, you're
39:44
sober. And I still didn't date even
39:46
after that. Like I was like here and there
39:49
or whatever, but like being on the apps and everything like
39:52
that was scary. And then I thought, OK, I feel
39:55
like, cool, now I have this new job, I feel like everything's
39:58
kind of coming together. Let's see what's out there.
40:00
Let's have fun this summer. Let's say yes more.
40:05
And I'm saying yes to the wrong thing, you know?
40:08
And it's like that. So like, I know there's a
40:11
connection there with my addiction.
40:14
It's either like, you know, love or just being wanted that or
40:20
attention, you know, validation. There's so much that connects
40:25
it. And like, that's what I want to
40:26
talk about a lot. And I do talk about my podcast,
40:28
but it's a friend of mine who I don't even really know if this
40:30
is a friend. They were like, I'm so sick of
40:34
you hearing about your addiction and how it connects everyone.
40:37
And I'm like, that's how my life is.
40:42
It's like, it's literally, I will blame my addiction if I
40:45
feel like I'm doing too much of something, if I'm being too much
40:49
or if I get hyper focused on it. I'm like, addict addict here,
40:53
addict here. And they were just kind of like,
40:56
you know, stop saying that. And that's what also like drove
41:01
me down. So I think there's a lot of
41:05
reasons why this relapse happened and it's happening
41:08
because it, I'm back to where I, I'm feeling judged and I'm back
41:13
to where I care what people think and I'm back to where
41:19
let's see if I can control this. And here we are again, you know.
41:23
That's that's such a good point. It's like, why do you always
41:25
talk about your addiction and and it leading to everything?
41:28
I think that's one of the big issues people have with the
41:31
whole sober culture. It's like we keep shoving into
41:33
my face, I don't want to hear about it's 'cause it's like for
41:35
us, it's, it's the most important thing in my life
41:38
today. And it does all connect back.
41:40
And This is why recovery has to come at the top of everything,
41:44
because you lose everything else otherwise.
41:47
I did never believe. That it's the same thing with my
41:49
addiction's connected to everything, so is my recovery.
41:51
Yeah, and my recovery is so important right now, like it's
41:56
number one, especially being recently off a relapse.
41:59
I'm it, it has to be #1 like not coming here today.
42:03
I would have let addiction win if I didn't go to work.
42:06
I would have let addiction win if I didn't.
42:09
You know, if I like, there's a lot of what could have happened,
42:13
but I'm making the choices today to let Emily win.
42:17
But then also it's you. It's that identity part too.
42:21
Like I'm Emily, but I'm also an addict and alcoholic.
42:25
I'm not just an addict and alcoholic, but it is a big part
42:28
of my life and it's what makes me function.
42:31
If you want Emily, she needs recovery.
42:34
If you want like addict Emily and not her to be around always
42:38
saying she's too sick to do stuff.
42:41
And I actually had that like now a couple weeks ago I had like at
42:44
least three people being like, Oh, you weren't here because you
42:46
said you were sick. I'm like, I was using Oh, you
42:49
said that you were too sick. I'm like, Oh, no, I wasn't, you
42:51
know, and it came a lot where I'm like, oh, wow, Normally
42:55
people aren't this sick all the time, but I am sick.
42:58
Like I'm very, very sick. And it's, it's, it's, it's what
43:03
I'm trying to figure out right now.
43:05
And like I said, like my, I'm so hyper aware of everything that I
43:09
know what I need to do. It's just having to do it.
43:14
I just think, you know, I used to, I used to let every little
43:19
excuse make me relapse. And I think that's what I'm
43:22
doing now, which I don't want to, but I feel that after
43:25
talking about it, you know, oh, I've unpacked on dating apps.
43:28
I relapse. Like, no, you don't, you know,
43:31
or like people start saying stuff or people, you know,
43:34
little things are just like, I got to be stronger than that.
43:37
And I have been before. So I know I'll get back there.
43:41
But like I said, I'm there's a lot of work that I need to do.
43:45
There's a lot of things that I need differently.
43:47
There's a lot of things that I'm still not aware of.
43:51
Even just with myself, there's still so much and I'm constantly
43:55
going to be learning until the end of it.
44:00
Yeah, and I mean, I, I, yeah, until the end of life, until the
44:02
end of time. Like I'm still learning every
44:04
single day that you're triggered by the stupidest shit sometimes.
44:07
Like it just there's so many times where I'm just like, damn,
44:10
this sucks like I don't want to deal with this anymore.
44:14
Why can't I just use normally? Why can't you know, I go out and
44:18
just have like, you know, fun with friends and not use the way
44:21
I use why, why, why? And then you, that's when you
44:26
feel bad for yourself and that's when you victimize yourself.
44:29
And then you say, Oh my God, poor me.
44:30
And then. Swear if I'll come this like
44:33
shame and self pity are the two huge driving forces for for any
44:37
addiction but mine especially. Especially if you have a year
44:41
and I had 7 1/2. Like any any amount of time
44:43
where people know you as the sober person now and then you
44:46
relapse. It's really hard to come back
44:48
and say, hey, I fucked up. Yeah.
44:50
Yeah. Now I have to start over.
44:51
And I mean, yeah, you're not starting over.
44:53
It feels like you are. A lot of people say, but you
44:55
didn't lose that year. See, and that's.
44:57
And I hate it when people talk I.
44:58
Know I. Hate.
44:59
Well you don't lose those 7 1/2 years.
45:01
It's like, yeah well fuck if you felt like me right now.
45:02
I felt like I lost. Like don't fucking say that,
45:04
that's not what I need to hear 'cause I was almost at 2 years,
45:07
like I was at a year and like 11 months, That's right.
45:09
And it was just like, Oh my God, like that's not what I want to
45:12
hear right now. That's like the exact opposite.
45:14
But it's so true, 'cause like I look back at that year and I
45:18
hold that year so close to me because that was like one of the
45:20
worst years of my life where I was grieving and I sorry, I
45:31
didn't want to cry this, but it's funny, I only cry on my
45:34
podcast. I don't know why I cry on other
45:36
people's. But yeah, this that that year
45:40
was really hard, but I got so I stayed sober.
45:42
So I know I can do it again. And like, it's just like, I want
45:45
to go back to that Emily think right now I'm just like grieving
45:48
that Emily, if that makes sense. I'm like grieving her and her
45:52
confidence and her ability to talk about everything that she
45:57
does with her sobriety and how she does it.
46:01
And so even like being here today, I think it's like a big
46:04
catalyst of what I need to do. But, you know, sharing all of
46:09
this is only what's gonna help me.
46:13
But starting doing, putting the pin in the podcast is just
46:18
what's best for me 'cause I still feel like I'm reliving a
46:21
lot of things. So I'm just in this hard, hard
46:27
place. I've, I've found it a lot easier
46:30
to talk vulnerably on the podcast than to talk with other
46:33
people. And and I mean, that's, that's
46:35
just the crux of it right there is like you and I, we need to
46:39
talk vulnerably with humans. Yeah, the podcast is great.
46:43
Me opening up helps a lot of people for sure Helps me as
46:46
well. Yeah.
46:47
But if I'm not connecting with human beings and listen, I'm not
46:50
a fucking poster boy of recovery here.
46:52
Trust me, I don't answer my phone when people call a lot.
46:54
Of the time I know I. Get scared, like it's scared.
46:57
It's fear. It's also like, I don't really
47:00
feel like doing this right now. I.
47:01
Just don't want to talk. I work on that all the time.
47:03
Like I, I struggle with that a lot, yeah, but if you ever
47:07
notice people call you when you're kind of at the worst
47:11
place, did you ever notice that didn't?
47:12
That just what? Happened.
47:13
I had no idea you were struggling and I texted you I
47:16
knew you were relapsed. I know, but literally when you
47:19
asked you to come back, I'm like, this is the worst time for
47:21
me to do it, but let's. I.
47:23
Know like This is why this is like kind of divine timing in a
47:26
way. And so this is what gives me
47:29
hope and this is what gives me that faith too.
47:32
Because that's where, you know, the spirituality stuff can come
47:35
into it 'cause I do pray everyday.
47:37
I pray in the morning, like when I'm taking my medication, I just
47:41
say like, get me sober today. Just help me get through the day
47:44
sober and then, you know, I just try to go about my day, even if
47:49
it's not much, I still do it and even at night, there's like a
47:55
lot that I need to do as well. The gratitude list is something
47:57
very important to me journaling as well.
48:00
But you know, I, I stopped doing that as time went.
48:06
So there's, like I said, I'm I was missing a lot of things in
48:10
my recovery. Do you remember a specific
48:12
moment before that relapse after almost two years where you can
48:17
kind of pinpoint and say, Oh yeah, that's where I decided or
48:21
the the, the days or weeks leading up to it?
48:23
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48:25
So I quit my job like back in October.
48:29
I quit my job because I had something lined up and this job,
48:33
it was like an event as well 'cause like going back into
48:36
events is kind of a risky thing for me, especially being in the
48:39
atmosphere. But this was also another nine
48:42
to five office sales job, which I was OK, this seems good and
48:46
that's what I'm in right now. But the job didn't work out.
48:49
Not because of like myself, it's just it wasn't what I expected.
48:53
So I wasn't working for a really long time and I was living alone
48:58
and it was the dead of winter. November, December came around.
49:02
It was December 1st I relapsed and. 25.
49:05
Of yeah, 2025. And like, Christmas was coming
49:09
around. Holidays are so hard.
49:11
This is when I just let my addiction win.
49:14
I let it win and it's not, I don't like, it's not like I'm
49:21
like, this is what I'm trying to say.
49:22
I don't want to justify this shit and just say this is OK
49:25
though. No, it's not.
49:26
It's not OK. But I needed that relapse in
49:29
order to figure out like what I was doing.
49:31
Because then after that I had six months and now here I am.
49:35
It's such a fucking roller coaster.
49:37
Yeah. Like why?
49:39
And like, you know, I'm not trying to excuse that.
49:44
Obviously, yes, like I'm, I think there's a lot that I'm
49:48
still grieving. Like I said, old Emily, my mom,
49:51
old life, but I just, I need to look forward and have that
49:59
tunnel vision of just being like, you need to recreate this
50:03
life that you had once and get it back, get that shit back.
50:09
And it makes me excited even thinking about it.
50:10
Yeah, 'cause I like, you know, even like if I was sober for
50:13
like 2 weeks and it happened, like I was sober for like 2
50:16
weeks and then I'd relapse again.
50:17
I felt so good at those two leaks.
50:19
Like, why am I doing this to myself?
50:20
And then it's like, 'cause I chose to not fight anymore and
50:25
that was it. It's so fucked up.
50:29
Yeah. I mean, yeah.
50:31
Addiction's fucked up. It's hard, it sucks, and that's
50:35
why it's like anything, you know?
50:36
I was always taught first thought wrong, and so the first
50:39
thought that I have in any situation in my life is usually
50:43
the wrong thought the very first.
50:45
Thought right. It's like.
50:47
I know I have no control over that first thought, but I have
50:49
control over the 2nd and the 3rd and then my action.
50:52
Yep, right. Absolutely.
50:53
For me it's like I can't I every week I do shit in recovery that
50:57
I don't want to do. Yeah, I.
50:59
Know, but I, I know I need to because I don't want to go back
51:01
to that place because I know as you're sitting here talking like
51:04
you don't even have to tell me what's happening when you
51:06
relapse. Like I just know when you get to
51:08
levels like us it's the same desolate hell every single time
51:15
it actually gets worse. No, Yeah.
51:16
And you think it's just going to, you know, get better.
51:19
No, it doesn't. And it's funny, like you ask me
51:22
questions of like, you know, what does drugs give you?
51:25
What does it give you? And like I say relief.
51:27
Yeah, for a minute and then it doesn't.
51:29
But like, you know, I always, it's funny because I have this
51:32
tattooed on my arm. It's this too shall pass.
51:34
And I got it before even I was like addicted at all.
51:38
Like I went to my first rehab. Someone decided like, that's
51:40
like a huge recovery saying like, no, it's not.
51:43
I'm like fuck off. And now I'm in the middle of it
51:46
getting removed because I just don't want anything on this arm,
51:50
but I want to get it like re tattooed on myself because I do
51:53
believe this saying is like a huge part of what it is as
51:56
cliche and as like cringe it is. I do believe this too shall pass
52:00
because every thought that I have is the first thought.
52:03
It's never the best one, which I think is hard to accept about
52:08
myself too, you know? And like being like almost two
52:12
years sober, like you think like I got this, I got this.
52:18
And like even before that, I was so back and forth.
52:20
Like getting a year was a huge thing for me, huge.
52:24
And I'm so grateful that I got that, especially after with my
52:28
mom passing like that year, I should have been dead.
52:32
And like, I, it's, it's scary. Is that to say like I should
52:36
have? You had every reason to to
52:38
relapse, right? And a a lot of people probably
52:42
wouldn't have faulted you and said that, you know?
52:44
Oh, yeah, That was a hard time for it.
52:46
But you got through it. Yeah.
52:47
So how did you get through it? I just like, I don't know, I was
52:52
confident. If you can do that, fuck, you
52:54
can do anything. I can do anything and that's
52:55
like kind of why I think to my awareness means a lot to me.
52:59
And it's important to me because I use it to, you know, this is
53:04
how you are, that you know, this about yourself.
53:06
Just don't think about this, you know, But then, you know, once I
53:14
make that first text, I don't know what it is.
53:19
Yeah. I don't know what the fuck it
53:21
is, but it's just it lights something up in me.
53:23
It's like, and it's it's literally like, you know, even
53:27
with shopping too, like putting something in that cart, buying
53:30
something saying your order is confirmed, that get like that
53:33
lights me up. And maybe also too like with the
53:36
dating apps, somebody match with me, somebody saying like, oh,
53:39
you're beautiful. That validation lights me up.
53:43
But what about me? Like, why don't I like myself,
53:46
you know? Yeah, and it's like so hard to
53:51
keep up with sometimes, 'cause even the person that called me
53:54
today, it's like, you have a heart of gold, you know, let's
53:57
not be strangers. And I'm just like, Oh my God, I
53:59
don't. If only you knew.
54:01
If only. You knew, yeah, exactly.
54:03
Like, bro, I'm not like, I'm not like, yes, I can tell you
54:07
everything, but I'm not like, This is why I wanted to put a
54:10
PIN in the podcast as well, because I feel like such a fraud
54:14
having this recovery podcast interviewing people.
54:18
But I'm not doing it, you know? And here I am today on yours,
54:23
feeling happy that I did it. Now, yeah, me too.
54:26
Yeah, feeling happy I did it also.
54:28
Like there was parts in it where I'm like fuck, then I'm like,
54:31
OK, no, this is good. No, it's not good.
54:33
It's good. Like I'm so back and forth and
54:37
yeah, I, I'm glad I'm here overall.
54:45
I know actually I like, like I said, I need to get myself back
54:49
to those church basements. I need to because I think that's
54:53
what I'm missing is just like the community part of it.
54:56
Like I have a women's group that I'm really close.
54:58
To that's what I was going to ask you if I if I told you you,
55:01
how many people could you call right now?
55:03
So many women. How many do you have?
55:05
So many. Like you can't, you don't, you
55:06
can't even give me a number. It's that many.
55:08
Yeah, there's a lot. That's literally your answer.
55:12
Right, I know. Like I don't even that's what I
55:15
would tell everybody is like, go find that you're you're lucky
55:18
that you've done the work to cultivate that list of people.
55:21
But it's like. But I don't use it.
55:23
Well, fuck, it's hard. I don't want to tell people I'm
55:25
struggling. I want to.
55:26
I want to tell people I don't even want to talk to you at all.
55:29
Yeah. Like I just, I don't want to at
55:31
all. But then you know.
55:32
It's the only thing that works, right?
55:34
Yeah, it is the only. Thing that fucking works.
55:36
It is, and that's what I think I'm just missing right now.
55:39
Well, I I thought I could do without.
55:42
I literally thought I could do this by myself.
55:44
I'm like, no, you're wrong again, Emily.
55:47
You and everyone else. You and everyone else.
55:49
Me too. Yeah.
55:50
And like, my addiction. Like, you know how they always
55:53
say that, Cliche. Like it's doing push ups in the
55:55
parking lot. Oh, she was working out.
55:58
She was strong. Jacked as.
56:00
Fuck she is jacked as fucked. She knocked on that fucking door
56:03
and like knew she was coming. Kicked in right.
56:06
Through and I'm like, welcome, come on in like this is it's so
56:12
funny to like because like talking about it like it's I
56:16
like I see, like I think it's like funny.
56:18
I can laugh at it and everything, but like it's still
56:20
like fuck. That's where they like think
56:23
addict humor can not be funny, but I think it is.
56:26
If I mean I've cried a lot, I can either today in my life I
56:31
can either cry or laugh. I'd rather laugh.
56:34
I've cried a lot. Yeah, I'm sure you haven't.
56:37
Oh my God. Both at the same time so many
56:41
times. But like I said, I'm grateful
56:44
today. I'm grateful that I woke up
56:46
today. I'm grateful that I chose life.
56:48
I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning, eat,
56:54
go to work, be a good employee 'cause I'm actually doing pretty
56:58
well at this job. Like they're offering me a lot
57:00
of other stuff that's like, it's exciting, exciting stuff.
57:03
So this is the life that I've been wanting forever.
57:07
And if I look back at this, like if I look at hold on when I was
57:10
like maybe like 2324 and they think like, Oh my God, Emily,
57:13
you work for this and you do this and you do that, like, holy
57:16
shit, we're doing great. So like I'm living a good life.
57:20
I love this life without drugs and alcohol.
57:25
That's when it goes down. I'm so fucking happy you came
57:27
down Me too. I'm I'm happy that you got
57:29
honest and vulnerable and I was always taught the best share is
57:33
an honest. One yeah, well, you have to
57:35
because like I'm if I keep lying to myself about it, I that's how
57:38
I'll die and I I keep using death as a thing, but it's just
57:42
the way like I just know I. Buried a lot of people in 10
57:44
years I've been doing this. Yeah, a lot of people.
57:46
It's so hard. And yeah, I think about so many
57:50
people that, you know, I've lost because of this.
57:53
And you think it'll never happen to you.
57:58
It will. Like it will.
57:59
And I remember I had somebody like, this was a while ago when
58:02
I was first, like, using and it was fun then he's like, I don't
58:05
believe in overdose. I'm like, oh, me neither.
58:09
Here we are. This is why I'm laughing, 'cause
58:12
it's funny, because this is like, I got it.
58:14
Yeah, like you said, laugh or cry.
58:15
I'm laughing right now, 'cause I'm here.
58:20
And I know, like, even just talking about my life and what
58:24
I'm doing right now. Yes, the pins in the podcast,
58:27
for sure. I still have it.
58:29
It's still going to be something that I'm going to keep going
58:31
with, like at least the Instagram of it.
58:33
But I have like dance now. And dance was something that I
58:36
gave up like like when I was 18 because of like a lot of
58:40
traumatic events with like my dance teacher.
58:43
And then now I have it back and it's like the best thing that's
58:47
ever happened to me because even like I have a show coming up and
58:50
I have a solo and it's dedicated for my mom.
58:53
And every time I do that solo, even if it's shitty, even if I
58:56
felt not strong in it, like I know I'm like, Oh my God, I
58:58
could never do this if I was like still in my addiction, you
59:01
know? And even though I'm like
59:03
technically not really out yet, I'm talking about it and like,
59:08
I'm grateful for it and I can still grab it.
59:12
Like I can get there. And I, I'll guarantee you this,
59:16
there's going to be a day when somebody is going to come to you
59:20
going through the exact same fucking thing you're going
59:22
through right now. Yeah.
59:24
And you'll be able to guide them through.
59:26
Yeah. It's happened to me.
59:27
Yeah. Right where you're like, Oh
59:28
yeah, it wasn't for nothing. Yeah, now I can help this person
59:33
go through it. Who doesn't?
59:35
I'm working with a guy right now.
59:36
He's it's crazy how similar we were, our past, like all the
59:39
things we do, he he trusts and confides in me because it was
59:46
the same exact situation. Like the identification was
59:49
there, right? So my point is, whatever
59:51
anyone's going through in in addiction, those specific things
59:55
are important to talk about because there's one person out
59:57
there that when they hear that specific thing, isolation.
1:00:02
Hole in your nose like these specific things were like, I
1:00:06
didn't know any of anyone else did that to themselves.
1:00:09
Suck. I'm not alone.
1:00:10
I'll listen to her. That's going to happen, right?
1:00:14
And I think it has during my podcast, but right now, yeah, I.
1:00:19
I mean with the relapse thing too, like as this updates, it's
1:00:22
like now you know what it feels like to chronically relapse.
1:00:27
I've been there. I never thought I would get
1:00:29
there either. I never thought I'd get there
1:00:30
again. That's a thing.
1:00:32
Never thought I'd get there again and but you know, here we
1:00:36
are. But like it takes work like once
1:00:39
I have just one thing that's off like it's and I keep that thing
1:00:45
off and I keep, you know, slacking off on it.
1:00:48
Like you say, you always like drag your feet to like go places
1:00:50
and like your heart and your feet are never in the same
1:00:53
place. My head and my feet.
1:00:54
Yeah, yeah, sorry, your head and your feet and yeah, my head's
1:00:57
one way, but like I keep my feet there because it's easier, it's
1:01:01
comfortable, it's comfortable. But now I just, I have like I
1:01:05
say, like there's so many options, there's so much.
1:01:07
I have that fucking heavy ass cell phone.
1:01:11
I have options. And I keep saying that.
1:01:15
I think it's because of that, that song, there's that.
1:01:18
What the fuck? His name?
1:01:19
Jack Harlow, No. No, no, no, no.
1:01:21
He's like a country singer, Whitcomb or something.
1:01:24
But he's like, I got options. And it's about like, it's about
1:01:27
recovery because he's like, is it still a relapse if it's just
1:01:31
a drink? That's what he starts off with.
1:01:33
And I feel like, who is it? Yeah, it is.
1:01:38
But even like before, it's like when I didn't think because
1:01:41
alcohol is was actually something I never thought I.
1:01:44
I was 1. Of those, yeah, I was, I was one
1:01:47
of those girls that's like straight addiction, straight
1:01:50
addict, you know, don't fuck with me.
1:01:53
And it's like, Oh no, like there's like alcohol will put me
1:01:57
right back into that place. I have an abnormal reaction.
1:02:00
I break out in cocaine. Yep.
1:02:02
And meth. And other.
1:02:03
Things, yeah. That's great.
1:02:06
I mean, I'm so happy you came down.
1:02:08
Me too. This is good.
1:02:10
It's good seeing you too. It's it's good connecting
1:02:12
because that's what we need. And yeah, I just like to let
1:02:17
your listeners know that like this is obviously it's not the
1:02:22
end, but it's up to you, you know, if you want to fight,
1:02:25
fight, but just know there is a beautiful life there.
1:02:30
And I see it now. It's like even just talking
1:02:35
about, you know how I felt like I had to do the rest of my
1:02:37
baggie sober, looking at myself crying.
1:02:40
I don't want to do it and I still did it like it's that's
1:02:45
the power of it. So being here was a big step.
1:02:52
Like I said, I didn't want to let my addiction win today.
1:02:54
I don't think it did. No, I.
1:02:56
Don't think it did. And tomorrow you do the same
1:02:58
thing. The exact same thing. 24 hours
1:03:01
at a time, sometimes 15 minutes at a time.
1:03:03
Yeah, seconds. I can hate that shit too.
1:03:06
And it's, oh, God, I, I'm not trying to roll my eyes because
1:03:10
like, it's, it's what it's, I don't want to say it, but yeah,
1:03:15
it's like the recovery meetings that we'd go to that just keep,
1:03:18
you know, putting stuff in our head.
1:03:20
And I'm not trying to say that's wrong because it is.
1:03:23
It isn't. I think I was.
1:03:25
I'm just in this place where I'm like, heard it before.
1:03:28
I've heard it so many times. I know what's wrong with me.
1:03:30
I get it. I know now it's just about me
1:03:34
and myself and just getting through it.
1:03:38
One step after another. Yeah.