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10 Signs Your Narcissist or Emotional Abuser is Future Faking- Learn God's Answer · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever met someone who promised you the moon, the stars, and a beach house in Malibu, but couldn't even remember to call you back on a Tuesday?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the wild world of future faking, where the future is always bright, but the present is a dumpster fire.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible, and today we're diving into the 10 signs that someone is selling you a fantasy instead of building a real relationship.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Joining me is Caleb Hayes, a sophomore majoring in Bible studies who's helping out while we search for a permanent co-host.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Caleb, welcome.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: Thanks, Shannon.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: I'm excited to be here.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_04: And you know, as someone studying scripture, I see so many parallels between future faking and what the Bible warns about false promises.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_04: It's like the enemy's favorite trick, get you hooked on a vision so you ignore the reality.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_02: And that's what we're unpacking today.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: The content we're discussing comes from an article that breaks down 10 signs of future faking, and it's packed with wisdom and some pretty sharp biblical insights.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: So let's start with the first sign.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: They design your entire future before learning your middle name.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: Caleb, what's your take on that from a spiritual perspective?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: Well, Proverbs chapter 19, verse 2 says, Desire without knowledge is not good.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_03: And that's exactly it.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: Someone who rushes into planning a future without truly knowing you is operating on desire, not wisdom.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's like building a house on sand.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_03: You can't have a solid foundation if you don't know the person you're building with.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_03: And from a Christian view, love is patient.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: 1 Corinthians 13 says, love is patient and kind, not rushing ahead of wisdom.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_03: So if someone is sprinting toward a future before they've even walked through the present with you, that's a red flag.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: Right, and it feels romantic at first, like, oh, they know what they want.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: But healthy intimacy takes time.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: You can't know someone is your perfect partner before you've seen them handle conflict, money, or assembling furniture with instructions in six languages.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: That last one is a true test of character, by the way.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen so many clients get swept up in the fantasy of a whirlwind romance, only to realize later that they didn't even know the person's core values or how they handle stress.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_04: Ha, absolutely.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_04: And it's not just about knowing facts, it's about seeing fruit over time.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_04: Jesus said, you shall know them by their fruits, not by their five-year relationship plan or their inspirational text messages.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_04: So if someone is promising you a future before they've even earned your trust in the present, that's a major warning sign.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: Sign number two.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: This is the classic emergency relationship defibrillator.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: You say you're done, and suddenly they've had a revelation that rivals the road to Damascus.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: Caleb, you're studying to be a pastor.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: What does real repentance look like?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_04: John the Baptist said produce fruit in keeping with repentance.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_04: That means changed behavior, not just dramatic speeches.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_04: If someone only changes when you're halfway out the door, that's not transformation.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_04: That's manipulation.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_04: It's like a fire alarm that only goes off when the house is already burning down.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_04: Real repentance is consistent, not crisis-driven.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_04: And it's not about making promises, it's about demonstrating change over time.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, good analogy.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: And sign three.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: They offer details but never create a plan.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: They can describe the wedding down to the napkin color, but they can't give you a realistic engagement timeline.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: They want to buy a house but haven't paid last month's electric bill.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's all sizzle, no stake.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: I always tell my clients to ask practical questions.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: What's the first step?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: When will it happen?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: What are we doing now to make it possible?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: If those questions cause outrage or another romantic monologue, you've got your answer.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_04: And Jesus said, let your yes be yes and your no be no integrity means your words match your actions.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_04: If someone's promises are all glitter and no follow-through, that's a problem.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_04: Ecclesiastes chapter 5, verse 5 says it's better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_04: So empty promises are actually worse than no promises at all.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_04: It's like a contractor who gives you a beautiful blueprint but never shows up to build.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: After the wedding, after the move, after the baby, after Mercury stops doing whatever Mercury is allegedly doing.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: But meanwhile, today is full of dishonesty, criticism, or neglect.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: Caleb, how do you counsel someone stuck in that cycle?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_04: Luke 16, verse 10 says, Whoever is faithful with little can also be trusted with much.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_04: So if someone can't handle the small things today, like showing up, telling the truth, being kind, they won't magically become trustworthy tomorrow.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_04: Marriage doesn't cure selfishness.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_04: A new house doesn't create empathy.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_04: You have to look at the fruit of today, not the fantasy of tomorrow.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_04: And I'd add that waiting for a future event to fix a relationship is like waiting for a bus that never comes.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: Sign 5.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: Their promises require more sacrifice from you than from them.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: You're asked to move, wait, lend money, overlook betrayal, and their contribution is just a promise.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's a one-person endurance contest, and you're the only one running.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen this so often in narcissistic relationships.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: The victim gives up everything while the narcissist gives up nothing but words.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_04: Philippians 2, verse 4 says, to consider the interests of others, not to have one person sacrifice everything while the other does nothing.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_04: That's not love.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_04: That's exploitation.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_04: And it's a common tactic in narcissistic abuse.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_04: Keep you invested so you feel like you can't leave because you've already given so much.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_04: It's like a gambler who keeps doubling down on a losing bet because they've already lost so much.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: But Caleb, here's a challenge for you.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't there a risk of becoming too cynical?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Some people genuinely do change, and sometimes love requires patience and sacrifice.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: How do you balance discernment with grace?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_04: That's a fair question, Shannon, and I think the key is evidence.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_04: Grace doesn't mean ignoring patterns, it means offering forgiveness while also setting boundaries.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_04: Jesus was full of grace and truth.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_04: He didn't pretend that sin wasn't sin, but he also offered redemption.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_04: So we can hope for change, but we can't build a life on hope alone.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_04: We need to see consistent fruit over time.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_04: If someone is truly repentant, their actions will show it, not just their words.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: That's a great point.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: Sign six.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: They get angry when you remember what they promised.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: You gently ask, hey, did you schedule that counseling appointment?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: And suddenly you're the bad guy for pressuring them.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Apparently, remembering their exact words is emotional aggression.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_04: That's gaslighting, plain and simple.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_04: And it's the opposite of what Jesus taught.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_04: He said, Let your yes be yes, meaning your word should be reliable.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_04: If someone attacks you for expecting consistency, that's a huge red flag.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_04: A sincere person would say, I messed up, and I'm sorry.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_04: A manipulator says, How dare you hold me accountable?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_04: It's a way of shifting blame and making you feel crazy for having a memory.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: They use God to make the fantasies sound official.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_02: God told me you're my spouse.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: The enemy is attacking our relationship.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: You need to have faith in the future, God showed me.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: Caleb, as a Bible student, how do you respond to that?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_04: 1 John 4, verse 1 says, Do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_04: You are allowed to examine character, seek wise counsel, and say no.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_04: God doesn't need manipulation to accomplish his will.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_04: If someone is using God's name to silence your discernment, that's spiritual abuse.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_04: And it's one of the most damaging forms of future faking because it makes you feel like leaving is a sin.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_04: But God gave you a brain and a conscience for a reason.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_04: You don't have to accept every prophecy that comes your way.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: Sign 8.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: Every broken promise is replaced with a more exciting one.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: They didn't take you on that weekend trip, but now they're planning a two-week cruise.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: They forgot your birthday, but next year it's Paris.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_02: Each unfulfilled promise gets buried under a bigger one.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_04: Ecclesiastes chapter 5, verse 5 again.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_04: Better not to vow than to vow and not fulfill.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_04: God values faithfulness over impressive declarations.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_04: It's like a Ponzi scheme of promises.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_04: You keep investing hope, but the returns never come.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_04: And eventually, the whole thing collapses.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_04: The bigger the promise, the bigger the letdown when it doesn't happen.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: Sign 9.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: You're in love with who they're going to become.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: You say, he'll be wonderful once he heals, or she has so much potential.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: But potential doesn't apologize, arrive on time, or help with the dishes.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: Caleb, how do you balance compassion with wisdom here?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_04: Proverbs chapter 4, verse 23 says, Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_04: Guarding your heart isn't cruel, it's stewardship.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_04: You can have compassion for someone's struggles, but you can't build a relationship on potential.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_04: You have to make decisions based on who they repeatedly choose to be, not who you hope they'll become.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_04: It's like buying a car based on the salesman's description instead of the actual vehicle in front of you.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: And sign 10.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: The future disappears as soon as they get what they want.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: Once you reconcile, move in, lend money, or recommit, their enthusiasm evaporates.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: The counseling appointment is never made, the engagement talk becomes too much pressure, and the dream home quietly vanishes.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_04: That's the ultimate reveal.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_04: The promised future was just a tool to regain access to you, and love, as 1 Corinthians 13 says, rejoices with the truth.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_04: It doesn't need an imaginary future to conceal an unhealthy present.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_04: So if the only thing growing is another promise, you're allowed to put down the watering can.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: Now, the article includes a powerful story about Rachel and Adam.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_02: Rachel dated Adam for three years, and he kept describing an engagement ring.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: But never actually bought it or proposed.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_02: Whenever she asked for a timeline, he'd add another detail and accuse her of ruining the surprise.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_02: Finally, she ended it, and he claimed he was going to propose the next weekend.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: Classic.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_04: That story is so relatable, and it shows the pattern, beautiful promises, no action, and then blame shifting when you ask for accountability.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_04: Rachel did the right thing.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_04: She looked at the fruit, not the fantasy.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_04: And walking away hurt.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_04: But she realized she wasn't losing a shared future.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_04: She was releasing a fantasy that kept her from seeing the present.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_04: It's like waking up from a dream and realizing the dream was never real.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: So, Caleb, what's your final word for someone who suspects they're being future faked?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: What should they do?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_04: First, stop debating the fantasy and examine the pattern.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_04: Ask yourself, what has this person consistently done?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_04: Do their actions match their words?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_04: Can I ask reasonable questions without being punished?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_04: Do their promises lead to measurable steps?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_04: And most importantly, am I staying because of present love or future hope?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_04: Seek counsel from a qualified therapist, pastor, or mature Christian who understands emotional abuse.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_04: And remember, forgiveness doesn't require unlimited access.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_04: You can forgive someone and still set boundaries.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: That's so important.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_02: And as a life coach, I always tell my clients, you don't need to determine whether every broken promise was intentionally deceptive.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_02: You just need enough honesty to recognize that repeated promises without action can't provide a safe foundation.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: The future is built through ordinary choices today.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: Pay attention to the fruit.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_04: Amen.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_04: And if you're listening and this resonated with you, we'd love for you to join our community.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_04: Subscribe to the Toxic Podcast channel on YouTube to help us grow, and visit ShannonAlder.com for more resources.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_04: Shannon's next book is coming out in July 2027, so stay tuned for that.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_04: And if you're on Facebook, join Staying Positive University for daily encouragement and support.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Caleb.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_02: And thank you all for listening.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_02: Remember, you deserve a relationship built on truth, not just beautiful promises.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_02: Until next time, take care of your heart, and don't be afraid to put down the watering can when the only thing growing is another promise.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: Goodbye, everyone.