Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode12: Strategies For Dealing With An Annoying Family Member

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Episode12: Strategies For Dealing With An Annoying Family Member · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there everyone.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: How are you guys doing?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: It is almost Christmas.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for Christmas?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Are you stressed out?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you at?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully you are not stressed out.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are and haven't done so already, please go back and listen to last week's episode called How to Stress Proof Your Relationship.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Most people so far, the feedback that I've gotten is that it's actually quite helpful.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: So go check that out.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are talking about how to deal with annoying family members.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: But of course, you can apply this to anyone in your life.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: I chose to talk about this today because there seems to be some pre-holiday anticipatory dread going around.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Last week, I did a lot of coaching last week, and I literally had four people in a row bring up that they were not looking forward to the holiday season because of certain annoying family members.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, you know, this might be able to help one of you out there.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So do you have a family member that just annoys the heck out of you?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to picture that person.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Notice how you feel when you think about having to interact with them.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel dread, annoyance, maybe pre-exhaustion?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's usually what I feel.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever emotion it is, it probably doesn't feel so great.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if this person happens to be your partner or spouse, well, that is a whole nother episode that at some point we will get to.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: But many of the strategies that we are going to cover today still apply to that scenario, at least in the short term.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: So this can still be helpful for you if it is your partner or spouse.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So the thing about being annoyed is that the more that you focus on it, the more annoyed you're going to get.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just thinking about that person can cause you to become pre-annoyed and not want to go to this family gathering, right?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: It has the potential to ruin an otherwise wonderful evening or gathering.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought that I would share with you a couple of specific things for you to consider depending on whatever your situation is.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if this is a pretty significant problem for you, and we all have differing degrees of tolerance for people or with certain people and certain behaviors, I do suggest taking the time to jot down some notes so you can work through this properly and actually like pay attention to it and try to work through it.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So the first step of minimizing your annoyance or irritation is identifying exactly what it is about this person that bugs you so much.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So think about them.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can you pinpoint their behavior?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that I would share with you just some common behaviors that most people tend to find rather annoying.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: The overtalker.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: They dominate the conversations and they don't let anyone get a word in edgewise.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: A person that's really negative, someone who is constantly complaining or pointing out the negative side of things.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: We also have the brackers and the one uppers.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is like anything that you share, any story that you have, theirs is going to be better than yours, right?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then the person that offers the unsolicited advice.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And last but not least, the drama queen or the drama king.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is the person that every story they tell is over the top, they exaggerate everything, they create drama where there simply doesn't need to be drama.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: That can be very annoying to people.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get back to this person in your life that tends to be annoying to you.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Can you identify the thing that annoys you the most about them?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And can you tell me in a sentence or two why their behavior bothers you so much?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is important because the behavior that's bugging you is actually neutral.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's not annoying or not annoying.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's not good or bad.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's your thought about the behavior that makes it so irritating or not.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to feel less annoyed, you have to be able to understand why you're annoyed in the first place, which means you need to take a step back and notice the thoughts that you're having.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So there is someone in my life who always seems to dominate the conversation, it will turn everything around to herself, and it literally becomes a monologue.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I find this very annoying, and it's gotten to the point that it's hard for me to be around her.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to question why, because I don't want to be annoyed by her.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I actually like her.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's just hard for me to have conversations with her.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So here were my thoughts.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: When we're in a group of people and she turns the conversation to herself, my thought is that she's being rude and everyone is just trying to have a normal freaking conversation.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to hear what other people have to say and contribute.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm with her by myself and I'm not like proud of this, but my thought is that I really don't care about whatever it is she's talking about.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: She and I have very little in common.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know any of the people in her stories.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have a relationship with these people.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so I kind of get bored.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm also an active listener, which means that I engage and it uses a lot of my energy.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: So by the time we're done with the conversation, I'm going to put that in quotation marks.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm usually pretty wiped out.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So once you know specifically why this uh why this person's behaviors annoys you, you can start to work on it.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So the purpose here isn't to completely get rid of feeling irritated.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: If that happens, that's awesome.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: But the goal here is um really to get you to a place where you are less annoyed and that you can engage with this person and have interactions and just make it more enjoyable for yourself, which should hopefully make the whole gathering more enjoyable.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: If the level of annoyance is really high for you, you can always consider distancing yourself from this person or minimizing the amount that you're around them, either just by um coming up with excuses to go, you know, go into another room or going and finding someone else to talk to.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: If it's really bad, you can always consider bowing out of the out of the event altogether.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: But if that's not an option, or if that's not an option that you want to take, you can um do a couple of these suggestions I'm about to give to make your experience just a little bit better.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest with you, not bowing out is an opportunity for you to practice managing your mind and your emotions.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: So the first suggestion, and I for all of us, is to start by examining your thoughts.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you want to look at the current thought that's causing you to be so annoyed by their behavior, and then pick a new thought on purpose that can help you feel less annoyed.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, because remember, it's your thought about the behavior that makes the behavior annoying, it's not the behavior itself.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if your know-at-all cousin gives unsolicited advice, instead of thinking in your head, here she goes again, right?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Which is very annoying, you can think, she's actually just trying to be helpful, or she's coming from a good place.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you can't get yourself there, because those are pretty positive thoughts, something like, this poor thing, this is just her way of making herself feel important.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that works because it helps you get to a place of more like empathy for the person.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: The second suggestion that I have, in addition to working on your own thoughts and mindset, is to make it a game.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you can try to make it a game and make it fun about their annoying behaviors, you're probably gonna have more fun.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: So you can place a bet with someone or yourself of how many times you predict that they are going to have that annoying behavior when you see them.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is not intended to be mean.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's just supposed to be, you guys, a lighthearted way of getting through the event.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So make a bet with your sister how many times do you think your cousin is going to give someone unsolicited advice.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kind of laughing right now because in our family, when the over-talker is coming over, we make bets on how many times she's going to turn the conversation around to herself.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then we see, we keep track, and then we see which one of us had the closest guess.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's actually made it quite amusing and a lot more fun.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it's actually helped me personally stay more engaged in the conversation.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So for our family, this has made the interactions just a little bit more easy.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're with a one-upper, this is another good one.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: We've done this one before.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You see how many times you can response with a one-down response.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, pretend one person is telling their story about this cool ski trip they're on and it was amazing, and all they did, they spent their whole time on the black diamond runs all day.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And inevitably, the one-upper will say something like, Oh, well, I only do, you know, triple black diamonds now.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if I was there, I would say, Oh, I prefer the bunny slopes.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever they say to one up somebody, you purposefully say something to one down them.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually quite amusing.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And um, again, this is not meant to be mean.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's just kind of a fun, lighthearted way of making an annoying situation just a little bit more tolerable.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then the third suggestion that I have is find a way to kind of turn the situation around.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: If the over talker is your issue, you can come up with questions that you might actually be interested in hearing the answer.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I've started doing with R Overtalker.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've brainstormed questions that I'm going to ask or have started asking that I actually am genuinely interested in hearing about.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: That has been really helpful.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Negativity is the issue, you can just remind them, yeah, I thought about that, but you know, I'm really trying to stay positive and look at the bright side.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So shifting your mindset and trying just a couple of these other suggestions, playing around with them will hopefully make this holiday season a little bit more enjoyable for you.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I would like just to remind you to keep your thoughts about this person in check.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that when people have these annoying behaviors, it's usually kind of from a lack of security, like they're insecure.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: It might be because of their upbringing, or they're just not very socially aware.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to suggest taking a look at your own behaviors because most of us have at least one thing that is annoying to somebody else.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I will talk to you next week.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahopskins.com to learn more.