Latest / Vox Novus with Victor Fuhrman / Áine Rock – Blow Up Your Life

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Áine Rock – Blow Up Your Life · Vox Novus with Victor Fuhrman

0:05
Speaker 1: Vox Novus, the new voice Vox Novus, the new dimension
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Speaker 1: Vox Novus thought and movement leaders who will share from
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Speaker 1: their experience and offer tools to help us navigate our
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Speaker 1: rapidly changing world. My name is Victor Furman. Welcome to
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Speaker 1: Vox Novus, the new voice on your Rock. Was the
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Speaker 1: woman who had it all together on the outside, the marriage,
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Speaker 1: the house, the coaching career, the constant motion. But inside
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Speaker 1: she was numb. She realized the missing piece was desire.
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Speaker 1: What follows is a radical unraveling and a reclamation of pleasure,
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Speaker 1: power and the right to want more. Rock is a
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Speaker 1: modern priestess of pleasure, transformational guide and founder of Sofanya,
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Speaker 1: a global movement devoted to feminine reclamation and embodied leadership.
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Speaker 1: Through her programs, retreats, and private mentorship, she helps women
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Speaker 1: reclaim their power through pleasure, integration and radical self expression.
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Speaker 1: Her website is onyr Rock dot com, and she joins
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Speaker 1: me on Vox Novus this week to share her path
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Speaker 1: and inspiring new book, Blow Up Your Life, The Wild
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Speaker 1: Art of Wanting More. Please join me in welcoming to
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Speaker 1: vox Novus. Anya Rock. Welcome, Anya, Thank you for having me.
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Speaker 1: Nice to be here, Anya, here's what you shared about
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Speaker 1: your life, and I quote, I was the woman who
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Speaker 1: had it all together on the outside, the marriage, the house,
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Speaker 1: the coaching career, the constant motion. Inside, I was numb.
2:00
Speaker 1: Life looked full, but I felt empty. Please share with
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Speaker 1: us your path that led up to that point and
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Speaker 1: the revelation that you had.
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Speaker 2: Yes, well, I was you know, quote unquote, happily married
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Speaker 2: for probably I think it was seventeen years by the
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Speaker 2: time our divorce was finalized, two kids, you know, living
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Speaker 2: the you know, living the dream, living what I was
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Speaker 2: supposed to want. And really it was a process through
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Speaker 2: a lot of my own spiritual awakening, my own inner healing,
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Speaker 2: where I began to realize that I was not really
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Speaker 2: connected to my desire, you know, not connected to what
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Speaker 2: do I really want? And these things, you know, as
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Speaker 2: we look back in hindsight are so easy to kind
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Speaker 2: of say, oh, it was this moment, this moment we
2:57
Speaker 2: can kind of point back. That's the beauty of hindsight.
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Speaker 2: But in the moment, it can just feel like you're
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Speaker 2: stumbling through these revelations as you say to oh my gosh,
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Speaker 2: what is this, you know, and how did I get here?
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Speaker 2: And what is it I really want? And that process
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Speaker 2: for me involved a lot of, as I said, spiritual awakening,
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Speaker 2: and it involved plant medicine, and it involved my own
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Speaker 2: healing through somatic therapy and really recognizing that I had,
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Speaker 2: for most of my life allowed what I wanted to
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Speaker 2: be secondary to what everyone else needed and it becomes
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Speaker 2: such an ingrained habit. And so for me, that revelation
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Speaker 2: was in realizing that I wasn't fulfilling that desire to
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Speaker 2: be authentic to me, and it meant leaving my marriage,
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Speaker 2: which is always a difficult decision, but ultimately one that
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Speaker 2: I feel served me and my children even and probably
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Speaker 2: my ex husband in retrospect more, because we were finally
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Speaker 2: living into a truth that was real for all of us,
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Speaker 2: and that was that you can really find yourself living
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Speaker 2: a life that you didn't follow an authentic path, and
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Speaker 2: so you've wound up in a place that feels like
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Speaker 2: everything it's supposed to be, but isn't setting your soul
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Speaker 2: on fire?
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Speaker 1: Was there a moment or a signal in your body
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Speaker 1: that you knew you couldn't stay definitely?
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Speaker 2: And that was actually what I had spent so long
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Speaker 2: working to kind of rewire, was that signal that I
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Speaker 2: had overridden for so many years, as many of us do,
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Speaker 2: with trauma with life, with the duties of being a
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Speaker 2: mother and obligations and spiddiness of life. And it was
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Speaker 2: more a lack of feeling than anything else. It was
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Speaker 2: a realization that I was potentially halfway through my life
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Speaker 2: and was living with someone who you know, we did
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Speaker 2: the business of marriage really well. We were friends, but
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Speaker 2: there wasn't a passion, And it was a recognition that
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Speaker 2: I could kind of no longer sit with that truth.
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Speaker 2: It was a feeling of if I don't speak this,
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Speaker 2: it's going to really have a higher cost than I
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Speaker 2: can name right now. So it felt a sudden almost
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Speaker 2: urgency in my body to just speak the truth of
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Speaker 2: what I knew to be true and let the chips
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Speaker 2: fall where they would.
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Speaker 1: How did you start that journey back to yourself?
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Speaker 2: Originally somatic therapy. I began working with a therapist in
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Speaker 2: or just about before COVID and somatic therapy being different
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Speaker 2: because it's of the body really recognizing where am I
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Speaker 2: holding energy? Where am I suppressing energy? Where have I
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Speaker 2: created masks and characters to cope with the stress and
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Speaker 2: trauma of life, growing up and for me that process
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Speaker 2: was the unraveling, the beginning of kind of moving from
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Speaker 2: my head to my heart to my soul.
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Speaker 1: For those not familiar with somatic therapy, how does that work?
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Speaker 2: It can be as simple, honestly as tuning in with
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Speaker 2: your breath. So we spent a lot of time in
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Speaker 2: our mind. Might sit in a normal therapeutic session and
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Speaker 2: be sharing something that's happening in your world in the moment,
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Speaker 2: or you know, recounting a story that feels like it
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Speaker 2: has energetic charge, and we use our mind to remember
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Speaker 2: and to rationalize. But the somatic piece asks us to
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Speaker 2: slow down, tune in and feel and feel where do
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Speaker 2: I feel that sensation or that memory or that experience.
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Speaker 2: And it's something as a society that would come disconnect
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Speaker 2: from largely, So it's a practice.
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Speaker 1: I know in your book many of the chapters end
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Speaker 1: with a meditation exercise. How do those come to play?
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Speaker 2: Yes, meditation has been such a huge piece for me
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Speaker 2: as far back as you know, ten years ago. I
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Speaker 2: originally I was a yoga teacher back in New York
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Speaker 2: in the early two thousands while I was going to
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Speaker 2: theater school. But even as a yoga teacher, I didn't
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Speaker 2: have a dedicated meditation practice, and it was only when
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Speaker 2: I had small children and I was feeling quite frantic
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Speaker 2: about life that I began a meditation practice. It began
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Speaker 2: actually with a morning a commitment to waking up early, meditating, journaling,
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Speaker 2: and visualizing. And at the time, I mean, it felt like,
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Speaker 2: honestly the biggest overhaul possible with two toddlers and a
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Speaker 2: full schedule, but it was such a profound difference in
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Speaker 2: my life. It's one of the things that when I
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Speaker 2: work with clients, it's like the first thing we work
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Speaker 2: on is do you have this practice, Let's build you
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Speaker 2: a practice, And that's how each ritual was woven in.
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Speaker 2: Because throughout my own journey, I've continued my meditation practice.
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Speaker 2: I've also studied with other people in a priestess lineage
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Speaker 2: to understand kind of the feminine embodiment of spirituality through
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Speaker 2: Mary Magdalene and reconnection with nature and cycles, and so
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Speaker 2: ritual becomes such a grounding and centering way to bring
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Speaker 2: both the mind and the body together.
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Speaker 1: Many women feel that low grade restlessness. They're not miserable,
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Speaker 1: but they're not really alive either. What do you call
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Speaker 1: that and why do you think it's so common.
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Speaker 3: Hmmm.
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Speaker 2: I like to call it the prison of fine because
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Speaker 2: we are taught, many of us as young girls. And
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Speaker 2: you know, I can't speak as much to men, but
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Speaker 2: for sure for women like not to want too much,
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Speaker 2: not to be too big, or to have our emotions,
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Speaker 2: you know, kind of take the get the better of us.
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Speaker 2: And so we do practice over life kind of dimming
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Speaker 2: and saying, oh, it's fine, I don't need that. It
9:42
Speaker 2: will just kind of set it aside. But I think
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Speaker 2: that what happens is we begin that that low grade
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Speaker 2: feeling is it is really our true nature. It's really
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Speaker 2: our desire, our intuition coming online and saying there is
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Speaker 2: something more, and that's where meditation and ritual and coming
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Speaker 2: back to our body. It's like, can we stop taking
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Speaker 2: out input from the world and tune in to our
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Speaker 2: own inner guidance. And I believe each of us has dreams,
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Speaker 2: has intuitive hits, has desire because it's on our path.
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Speaker 2: And when we are able to kind of tune out
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Speaker 2: all of the external shoulds. And you know the ways
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Speaker 2: in which we especially on social media now, and the
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Speaker 2: way we we're constantly kind of looking outward for information
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Speaker 2: to guide us. And when we can stop that, when
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Speaker 2: we can slow it down and go inward, we can
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Speaker 2: truly tune in and let ourselves turn the volume up.
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Speaker 2: Because when a woman says I'm fine, it means I'm
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Speaker 2: living in some kind of status quo. I don't want
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Speaker 2: to tell you that things are, you know, feeling out
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Speaker 2: of control, or that I'm not happy, because are you
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Speaker 2: really going to sit with me in that conversation? Are
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Speaker 2: you really? Are we really going to go there together?
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Speaker 2: And so we just cover, we mask it. It's fine,
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Speaker 2: everything's fine, I'm fine, You're fine, And we all kind
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Speaker 2: of walk around a little bit less than our authentic
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Speaker 2: expression because of this prison of fine.
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Speaker 1: You share that fine is not a word, it's actually
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Speaker 1: a condition.
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Speaker 2: Mmm mm hmmm. Yes. I remember in theater school years
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Speaker 2: and years ago, if you said you were fine, you'd
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Speaker 2: get quite the lecture because it meant that you were
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Speaker 2: fed up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. And it is. It
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Speaker 2: is a condition. It's a condition of a willingness or
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Speaker 2: inability in the moment. Sometimes it's a it's reality. To
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Speaker 2: investigate my authentic condition, my authentic expression of how I
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Speaker 2: would name what's happening in my body or my experience,
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Speaker 2: and so fine becomes our cultural acceptable way to move
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Speaker 2: past and stay in the social nicety land.
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Speaker 1: It's like saying denial is not a river in Egypt.
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Speaker 2: Mm hmm, exactly.
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Speaker 1: Absolutely. The title of your book, blow Up Your Life
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Speaker 1: is provocative. Are you actually telling women to blow up
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Speaker 1: their lives?
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Speaker 2: Sometimes? Yeah, it is. As I say in the first
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Speaker 2: part of the book. You know, not everybody needs to
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Speaker 2: blow up their life. Some people might be able to
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Speaker 2: disc antle it, and I believe it. When we get
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Speaker 2: to this place in life where we are asking the
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Speaker 2: question do I need to blow up my life? The
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Speaker 2: answer is usually yes, But sometimes people can do it
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Speaker 2: with you know, more of a precision dismantling. But it
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Speaker 2: requires really kind of taking the hood off and looking below,
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Speaker 2: like where where's this coming from? How do we get
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Speaker 2: into these patterns? Can we get out? It also really requires,
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Speaker 2: for those of us in long term relationships, a willing
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Speaker 2: partner to do the same work, and I do believe
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Speaker 2: it can happen. But for many of us it's not
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Speaker 2: not always just about blowing up your life, like get
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Speaker 2: a divorce, but blow up the version of you that
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Speaker 2: got you to this moment, whether it's leaving a job,
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Speaker 2: moving to a new state, you know, leaving a partnership
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Speaker 2: or a marriage. Are you willing to blow up that version?
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Speaker 2: Because often there's a lot of stagnant and see in
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Speaker 2: that state. And that's why the provocative like blow it
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Speaker 2: up and what I very intentionally thread it Underneath the
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Speaker 2: provocative title is the subtitle the wild Art of Wanting More,
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Speaker 2: because that is truly the current underneath all of it
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Speaker 2: is a radical rewiring of our system to not only
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Speaker 2: allow for wanting, but actually celebrate it.
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Speaker 1: You're right about pleasure as a resource, not a reward.
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Speaker 1: That's a very different way of thinking. Can you walk
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Speaker 1: us through what you mean and how that actually shows
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Speaker 1: up in daily life.
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Speaker 2: Definitely, the pleasure as a reward, meaning I'm going to
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Speaker 2: get all my calls done today, I'm going to finish
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Speaker 2: my to do list. I'm going to you know, finish work,
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Speaker 2: finish the kids, finish making sure everyone has everything they need.
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Speaker 2: And then at the end of the day, I will
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Speaker 2: do something that brings me pleasure, whether that is put
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Speaker 2: my feet up and you know, watch a show, or
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Speaker 2: it's you know, look to intimacy. Those things that are
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Speaker 2: pleasurable are at the very bottom of our list, and
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Speaker 2: I'm asking my clients and women to use pleasure as
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Speaker 2: a guiding principle. So, for example, I might wake up
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Speaker 2: in the morning and ask myself what would feel pleasurable today?
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Speaker 2: Where might pleasure take me? Will I still get my
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Speaker 2: to do list done? Absolutely? Although I might be more
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Speaker 2: inclined to hold better boundaries say no to things that
15:51
Speaker 2: aren't in alignment, because I am tuning in constantly to
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Speaker 2: this pleasure. And pleasure might look like self pleasure. It
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Speaker 2: might mean time for intimacy with a partner. It might
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Speaker 2: mean sitting with my coffee and being completely in the
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Speaker 2: moment of the miracle of this warm, delicious beverage, touching
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Speaker 2: my lips as I drink it in, and I look
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Speaker 2: around at the life that I have, the birds playing
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Speaker 2: in the trees, and I allow for presents, And a
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Speaker 2: lot of pleasure requires presents. So I think the two
16:31
Speaker 2: are very closely tied. And when we prioritize pleasure in
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Speaker 2: this way, everything changes the watershed of the day. The
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Speaker 2: energy of the day shifts from hustling and grinding to
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Speaker 2: allowing and exploring and experiencing.
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Speaker 1: How do you define presence and how may the presence
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Speaker 1: be manifested?
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Speaker 2: Hmmm. Presence is such a beautiful experience. I think we
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Speaker 2: all can bring ourselves to presence through each moment, even
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Speaker 2: here in this moment with you. I can take a breath,
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Speaker 2: I can feel it in my belly, I can feel
17:16
Speaker 2: it in my body. I can use my senses. So
17:21
Speaker 2: one of the most the simplest ways to kind of
17:24
Speaker 2: bring presence in any situation, in anywhere you are, is
17:28
Speaker 2: to tune into the senses. I can feel my body
17:31
Speaker 2: in the chair, I can hear the sound of my voice.
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Speaker 2: I can look and see the lavender growing outside my window.
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Speaker 2: I drop out of a kind of future casting or
17:44
Speaker 2: you know, scrolling through the past, and I bring myself
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Speaker 2: into this moment, in this body, through my senses, and
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Speaker 2: that presence is it just feels miraculous. I think, you know,
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Speaker 2: it really is a game changer for so many of us,
18:05
Speaker 2: and something that we feel a lot of my clients
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Speaker 2: are kind of avoiding the presence. It feels scary to
18:13
Speaker 2: get quiet, but there's such it's like moments can literally
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Speaker 2: slow down. I'm sure you've experienced this in your work too,
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Speaker 2: that you can just almost stretch out time with this
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Speaker 2: feeling of presence.
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Speaker 1: Absolutely, and the opposite of presence is absence, and you
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Speaker 1: don't want to be absent in your life. What do
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Speaker 1: you say to a woman who reads your book and thinks,
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Speaker 1: I want that alive this but I have kids, a mortgage,
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Speaker 1: and people depending upon me.
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Speaker 2: M I say, I feel you, sister.
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Speaker 4: You know.
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Speaker 2: It is easy to look around and say, you know, well,
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Speaker 2: she can do that. That's easy for her insert X reasons.
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Speaker 2: But it's actually those of us who are carrying the
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Speaker 2: most on our plate, who do have children and a
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Speaker 2: mortgage and a partner and a job where we're most
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Speaker 2: needed in this work. I am a mother of two.
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Speaker 2: I also have a mortgage. I you know, have real
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Speaker 2: world responsibilities. And I'll address the children peace first, because
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Speaker 2: I do think that as a mother, every woman that
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Speaker 2: I talk to feels a desire for her children to thrive,
19:37
Speaker 2: to live a life, you know, maybe that even exceeds
19:39
Speaker 2: the life that we've lived. It's kind of a natural
19:44
Speaker 2: genetic imprint for us to want more for the generation,
19:46
Speaker 2: for our children that we're raising. But they are watching us.
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Speaker 2: They are not just listening to us, They're not just
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Speaker 2: hearing what we tell them to do, but they're watching
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Speaker 2: how we operate in the world, and when they learn
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Speaker 2: from us that we self abandon we put everybody first,
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Speaker 2: We live a smaller, more dimmed out life because we
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Speaker 2: want more for them. That actually sets them up for
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Speaker 2: repeating that in the future. And so I really believe
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Speaker 2: we have an opportunity to break those generational codes that
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Speaker 2: we hand down by saying it is possible for me
20:31
Speaker 2: to live in my aliveness and thrive and maybe recognize
20:37
Speaker 2: that the story I have that it's somehow more accessible
20:42
Speaker 2: for someone else isn't true, but that I can be
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Speaker 2: fully expressed in my version in the life that I'm in,
20:51
Speaker 2: that I can be a better mother, even a better partner.
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Speaker 2: That if you have again a willing partner who's on
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Speaker 2: this journey with you, myaliveness fuels and feed everyone around me.
21:05
Speaker 2: It's like fill your cup. Get the oxygen mask first.
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Speaker 2: This is the oxygen mask. Your aliveness is the oxygen
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Speaker 2: mask for you then to be able to pour into
21:16
Speaker 2: the people that you love.
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Speaker 1: You had talked about the difficulty many people have in
21:22
Speaker 1: setting healthy boundaries. Why do you think that's so?
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Speaker 2: I think it's also goes back to this cultural and
21:30
Speaker 2: societal raising of girls that we should say yes. We
21:35
Speaker 2: should be light and appeasing and easy going, you know,
21:40
Speaker 2: the go with the flow, and we as a byproduct
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Speaker 2: that we kind of pile on all these things we've
21:48
Speaker 2: said yes to, and when we're not practicing presence, when
21:54
Speaker 2: we're not practicing our ability to tune in to Is
21:58
Speaker 2: this a full yes? Is I call it a full
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Speaker 2: body yes. When we say yes out of obligation, we
22:05
Speaker 2: then end up in resentment. And so recognizing One of
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Speaker 2: the practices I do often with my clients is a
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Speaker 2: full life audit of all the roles that we have
22:17
Speaker 2: and then all of the obligations and things that we've
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Speaker 2: kind of said yes to. Then we go through and
22:23
Speaker 2: we really analyze an audit and say, is this aligned
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Speaker 2: with who I want to be? Or have I said
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Speaker 2: yes to this because I don't want to disappoint someone
22:34
Speaker 2: I don't I'm worried that that person is not going
22:37
Speaker 2: to like me because I have now changed, you know,
22:42
Speaker 2: my willingness to always be the one to bring the
22:45
Speaker 2: food to the party. It's like I don't want to
22:47
Speaker 2: cook this year. Okay, can you honor that? Can you
22:50
Speaker 2: say I don't want to prefer what else can I do?
22:54
Speaker 2: And that can be actually surprisingly difficult for us because
22:57
Speaker 2: of usually we learn and as children, how we were
23:03
Speaker 2: loved was be by being easygoing and or as things
23:08
Speaker 2: were chaotic in our environment we had parents who were
23:13
Speaker 2: managing their own trauma, or you know, if you grew
23:16
Speaker 2: up in an alcoholic house, or there's any kind of
23:18
Speaker 2: substance or any kind of discord. There is a part
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Speaker 2: of us as children that does an incredibly fast calculation
23:28
Speaker 2: of what will keep us safe. And it is often
23:32
Speaker 2: if everything's okay with me, I'm good okay, if I'm
23:35
Speaker 2: not a problem, everything will be okay. And we do
23:38
Speaker 2: that kind of calculation and then we just continue that
23:41
Speaker 2: through life.
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Speaker 1: The life wisdom of my guest on Your Rock her
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Speaker 1: book Blow Up Your Life, The Wild Art of wanting
23:49
Speaker 1: more on your Please share with our listeners where they
23:51
Speaker 1: can get your book and find out more about you.
23:54
Speaker 2: Yes, you can pre order the book, or you can
23:56
Speaker 2: actually order by the time this is out, so you
23:58
Speaker 2: can order the book by going to my website, on
24:02
Speaker 2: your Rock dot Com, Forward Slash, blow Up Your Life,
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Speaker 2: or at any of the favorite places you love to
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Speaker 2: buy books, whether it be your bookstore, small bookstore that
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Speaker 2: you like to support, or if you're going for convenience,
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Speaker 2: Barnes and Noble Amazon available everywhere as of July seven.
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Speaker 1: And for your website, your name is spelled AI n
24:24
Speaker 1: E correct and we'll be back with moravonya after these words.
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25:34
Speaker 7: More than twenty four million Americans have an autoimmune disorder,
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25:55
Speaker 7: Join me Sharon Sailor Friday night, seven pm Eastern for
25:59
Speaker 7: the Autoimune Hour on Life Interrupted Radio to find out
26:02
Speaker 7: how to live your life uninterrupted.
26:05
Speaker 1: Back on Box Novus, my guest this week is on
26:08
Speaker 1: your Rock her book Blow Up Your Life, The Wild
26:12
Speaker 1: Art of Watting More Anya, What are the ways that
26:16
Speaker 1: dreams are sabotaged when wounds are at the helm?
26:21
Speaker 2: Mmmm? It is? You know. I think we can very
26:28
Speaker 2: subtly allow ourselves to put our dreams on the back
26:34
Speaker 2: burner when we are you know. And I say, when
26:37
Speaker 2: our wounds are at the helm. I think we're all
26:40
Speaker 2: on some level operating from a wounded version of ourselves
26:43
Speaker 2: unless we've done an extraordinary amount of work. You know,
26:46
Speaker 2: there is I we talk about. Many of your listeners
26:50
Speaker 2: are probably familiar with the inner child, and there are
26:53
Speaker 2: I think I often look almost like a nesting doll, right,
26:57
Speaker 2: I'm like the actual version of that got me to
27:00
Speaker 2: this moment, from the little girl to the teenager, to
27:04
Speaker 2: that woman in her mid twenties with full optimism getting married,
27:10
Speaker 2: saying yes to a life, and for me letting myself
27:14
Speaker 2: to be diverted from a path that felt like mine
27:18
Speaker 2: because I was marrying the love of my life. And
27:23
Speaker 2: so those versions of ourselves are often driving the bus,
27:30
Speaker 2: particularly when things get stressful, and it's helpful to be
27:36
Speaker 2: on the lookout. I'm often on the lookout for my
27:39
Speaker 2: petulant three year old when she, you know, kind of
27:42
Speaker 2: starts acting up and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I
27:45
Speaker 2: don't need you hear. It's okay. But when we are
27:49
Speaker 2: unaware of how our inner child at different, very different ages,
27:56
Speaker 2: shows up, then we can make decisions unconsciously. We can
28:02
Speaker 2: end up in relationships and in patterns unconsciously like a
28:07
Speaker 2: marriage where you know, we are not fulfilled, where we
28:14
Speaker 2: have found ourselves in a situation. Even I work with
28:18
Speaker 2: clients who find themselves in work situations where they just
28:21
Speaker 2: cannot seem to get themselves out of a toxic environment.
28:26
Speaker 2: How do we allow ourselves to get in there? It's
28:29
Speaker 2: often because there's some part of us, that inner child,
28:33
Speaker 2: that version of us that learned what safety was, what
28:40
Speaker 2: love was, what you know, what is the value of
28:43
Speaker 2: the money, or what is the value of the work
28:46
Speaker 2: I bring? What is my inherent value when it's not
28:50
Speaker 2: tied to output work, when I'm not playing the good
28:56
Speaker 2: wife or good mother. So to answer your question, when
29:00
Speaker 2: we're not bringing our conscious awareness to these patterns, that's
29:04
Speaker 2: when we can find our We find ourselves in you know,
29:10
Speaker 2: a life that doesn't feel like ours, which is where
29:12
Speaker 2: I found myself. And through the work that I was doing,
29:15
Speaker 2: the somatic therapy, the spiritual awakening, plant medicine, it was
29:20
Speaker 2: an unwinding and rewiring of those synapses that fire so quickly,
29:28
Speaker 2: like why did I say yes to that? When I
29:30
Speaker 2: really I'm not sure I meant yes? And we can
29:33
Speaker 2: start to sort of slow down the pattern. We can
29:37
Speaker 2: look for those unconscious ways in which we make agreements
29:42
Speaker 2: that don't serve the dreams we have. And I find
29:48
Speaker 2: that women like me sort of look around in our
29:52
Speaker 2: mid forties or sometimes early fifties, and we do we
29:57
Speaker 2: start to it isn't awakening, It's a midlife awakening too.
30:01
Speaker 2: Am I living the life that I set out to live?
30:04
Speaker 2: Where did the detours happen? Where did I get wrapped
30:08
Speaker 2: up in sort of everyone else's agenda and forget my
30:11
Speaker 2: own desire and my own path.
30:15
Speaker 1: I have a lot of friends who refer to that
30:17
Speaker 1: as the third chapter. Are a lot of people experiencing
30:20
Speaker 1: that third chapter?
30:23
Speaker 2: Yes? Yes, And I like the midlife awakening the third chapter.
30:27
Speaker 2: I love that it is. I believe it's the perfect
30:31
Speaker 2: storm of kind of our children having gotten to a
30:34
Speaker 2: certain age if you have them, hormones shifting and beginning
30:41
Speaker 2: to look as we do in this chapter, at the
30:46
Speaker 2: potential last part of our life, and we begin to
30:50
Speaker 2: ask these questions, you know, if I'm halfway through my life,
30:55
Speaker 2: what do I want to do with the rest? What
30:57
Speaker 2: does the other half look like? And and I believe
31:02
Speaker 2: for women, our tolerance level also goes down. I think
31:06
Speaker 2: it's a combination of where we are in our you know,
31:11
Speaker 2: life cycle hormonally, and we kind of we come out
31:17
Speaker 2: of the mother mode of like making sure everyone has
31:22
Speaker 2: what they need, and it's almost like we get this
31:24
Speaker 2: new perspective of like, why am I not on the
31:27
Speaker 2: map anywhere? How do I put myself back on it?
31:33
Speaker 1: And do you write about the wild art of wanting more?
31:36
Speaker 1: And why it's not greed, it's guidance? Please explain.
31:40
Speaker 2: Yes, wanting is not the problem, and for many of
31:46
Speaker 2: us that feels revolutionary, that wanting. I was recently out.
31:53
Speaker 2: I can't remember where I was. I think I was
31:55
Speaker 2: at the car wash and I heard a mother saying
31:57
Speaker 2: to her young daughter, if if you stop asking for that,
32:01
Speaker 2: I'll give it to you later. Yeah, right, Like what
32:05
Speaker 2: a mixed message, but it was so profound in that moment,
32:09
Speaker 2: I had this, you know, aha, like that's where it starts.
32:14
Speaker 2: You'll get what you want if you stop asking for it.
32:16
Speaker 2: But that doesn't make any sense. I want my daughter
32:23
Speaker 2: to know what she wants. I want her to sit
32:26
Speaker 2: down at a restaurant and tell me exactly what she
32:29
Speaker 2: wants on that menu. I want her to tell me
32:33
Speaker 2: what she wants in you know, she's beginning, you know,
32:37
Speaker 2: looking to boyfriends and dating, Like, what are you looking
32:40
Speaker 2: for in intimacy? What do you want? What do you
32:43
Speaker 2: want to be in life? I want to fuel that
32:47
Speaker 2: in her because when we tune in, we were kind
32:54
Speaker 2: of like conditioned that it's it's greedy, that it'll it'll
32:58
Speaker 2: lead to gluttony, it'll put us on a path of narcissism.
33:03
Speaker 2: And I just don't believe that's true. And believe for
33:07
Speaker 2: those of us that even question the desire, it's something
33:12
Speaker 2: we want to cultivate, we want to encourage, we want
33:15
Speaker 2: to give ourselves the space and knowing, you know, just
33:20
Speaker 2: because I want something doesn't mean it's on my path.
33:23
Speaker 2: So the wanting doesn't always lead to me getting it.
33:29
Speaker 2: But the wanting is information. I want to be in
33:34
Speaker 2: a relationship where intimacy is centered. That is a desire
33:39
Speaker 2: that I'm willing to speak. And when I speak it,
33:42
Speaker 2: I cast a spell out in the universe that says
33:47
Speaker 2: I am open, I'm opening my vibration to this new
33:52
Speaker 2: way of being an intimacy for example, and it is
33:59
Speaker 2: our and I believe when we minimize that in our children,
34:03
Speaker 2: and then all the way through life they don't want
34:05
Speaker 2: too much. It's really heartbreaking.
34:12
Speaker 1: So much of blow up your life. The wild art
34:15
Speaker 1: of wanting more is rooted in the body, including the
34:18
Speaker 1: nervous system, the physical experience of desire and pain. You
34:22
Speaker 1: had talked about your somatic experience. Why did you choose
34:25
Speaker 1: to write it that way instead of a more conventional
34:29
Speaker 1: self help approach?
34:31
Speaker 4: Hmm?
34:33
Speaker 2: I really write what I know I wanted to. I
34:37
Speaker 2: set out to write a book because I am a
34:40
Speaker 2: writer and I also write poetry, and I believe that
34:47
Speaker 2: creativity is in desire, very tied together, that we are
34:53
Speaker 2: creative life beings. In fact, if you look around at
34:58
Speaker 2: your life right now, you have created everything around you.
35:02
Speaker 2: And so again, this idea of speaking what we desire
35:06
Speaker 2: is a form of allowing for manifestation. We want to
35:10
Speaker 2: create something, we have to we want to bring it
35:12
Speaker 2: into the manifest We want to speak it and use
35:17
Speaker 2: our energy in our words. And it is it is
35:25
Speaker 2: beginning in the body and bringing the body in the
35:31
Speaker 2: presence into the experience. So for me, even when I write,
35:35
Speaker 2: I largely write by hand to start a lot of
35:39
Speaker 2: the stories in the book woven through our my personal stories,
35:43
Speaker 2: many of them written by hand, and then I dictated
35:45
Speaker 2: or typed in later edited and all the things. But
35:50
Speaker 2: I wanted I want women, people, anyone who reads this
35:54
Speaker 2: book to really feel me and see my se themselves,
36:00
Speaker 2: because I believe stories are the way that we connect.
36:07
Speaker 2: And I think a self help book would have been
36:12
Speaker 2: a disservice because I'm on a self discovery journey of life,
36:20
Speaker 2: and this book is a remembering and an offering to
36:26
Speaker 2: those also on the journey that they get the permission
36:29
Speaker 2: slip that I didn't have. They get a permission slip.
36:33
Speaker 2: They get to connect in my grief and in my
36:36
Speaker 2: joy and in my pleasure and hopefully see possibility for themselves.
36:42
Speaker 2: And so much of that was through story, through experience,
36:46
Speaker 2: and through the body. It's really what my practice daily,
36:51
Speaker 2: the way I live my life, the way I work
36:53
Speaker 2: with my clients, the way that I build my company
36:58
Speaker 2: and my business is tune in to this human experience
37:03
Speaker 2: in this body today.
37:05
Speaker 1: And as you mentioned, your book is a memoir, but
37:08
Speaker 1: it also has real practices and frameworks within it. How
37:12
Speaker 1: did you weave these two things together and why did
37:14
Speaker 1: you choose to structure it that way?
37:18
Speaker 2: A great question it, I mean a lot. Thanks to
37:23
Speaker 2: my editor for her wise counsel, I can lean a
37:27
Speaker 2: little more towards the storytelling and you know her guidance,
37:32
Speaker 2: which I think is also important, right that we don't
37:36
Speaker 2: really do anything in life alone where the culture we
37:44
Speaker 2: live in wants to tell us we do. But everything
37:47
Speaker 2: is better with someone by your side, showing your blind spots,
37:51
Speaker 2: helping you see, you know what's possible where you might
37:56
Speaker 2: be going off stray. So building in community, building with partnership,
38:01
Speaker 2: building with mentors, and so my editor was an incredible
38:04
Speaker 2: part of that of saying, you know, there is can
38:10
Speaker 2: we take the story now and reflect with your wisdom
38:14
Speaker 2: and so she was a big part of helping me
38:17
Speaker 2: to to take the time and to you know, use
38:24
Speaker 2: that that reflection of wisdom. And I remember a long
38:26
Speaker 2: time ago Elizabeth Gilbert and Glennan Doyle both you know,
38:36
Speaker 2: incredible writing mentors and people I admire in their creative journey.
38:42
Speaker 2: I think it was Glennan Doyle said, you don't write
38:46
Speaker 2: from the wounds, you write from the star. And that
38:51
Speaker 2: is such a part of it, right, is that I
38:52
Speaker 2: can have lived this experience, but now with my with
38:56
Speaker 2: some time and healing and work. I can share the
39:00
Speaker 2: wisdom of what I experienced, and so I wanted the
39:04
Speaker 2: book to be a pathway through storytelling, wisdom and reflection
39:13
Speaker 2: and ritual and I also wanted to let it be
39:20
Speaker 2: a priestess path through. You know, there's an I refer
39:26
Speaker 2: in the book to Joseph Campbell and the Hero's Journey,
39:31
Speaker 2: But I wanted to move into the lineage of the
39:36
Speaker 2: priestess path, which is less about going out and slaying
39:40
Speaker 2: the dragons and more about a willingness to go into
39:44
Speaker 2: the depths of our inner the inner temples, the spaces
39:51
Speaker 2: where we do carry those wounds, carry those inner child
39:55
Speaker 2: carry those patterns, heal and do the work and realize
39:59
Speaker 2: we we're always the medicine. So I purposely structured the
40:03
Speaker 2: book to incorporate those rituals, those offerings going inward, and
40:13
Speaker 2: hopefully to kind of create a path of we are
40:16
Speaker 2: going to do a dissent, we are going to go
40:18
Speaker 2: in and then we're going to emerge, and we're going
40:21
Speaker 2: to live our life with this medicine entwined and then integrated.
40:26
Speaker 2: That's the big piece, is the integration.
40:28
Speaker 1: Absolutely, And you had mentioned the patterns inherited from our
40:32
Speaker 1: parents and how they shape what we love and what
40:35
Speaker 1: we allow ourselves to want. What did uncovering those patterns
40:39
Speaker 1: cost you? And what did it give you?
40:41
Speaker 2: Hmm? You know, and I often share that writing the
40:46
Speaker 2: book was medicine in itself, because in order to reflect
40:53
Speaker 2: and crystallize and then communicate these lessons and the wisdom
41:03
Speaker 2: that also requires a lot of inner work and shadow
41:06
Speaker 2: work and sitting with different things. And so for me,
41:12
Speaker 2: it the cost was high in that it required a
41:18
Speaker 2: level of radical honesty about the things I'd been participating
41:23
Speaker 2: in that were very uncomfortable. And what it gave me though, ultimately,
41:32
Speaker 2: was a freedom to rewrite those agreements and real healing
41:40
Speaker 2: and generationally, you know, specifically the things that I grew
41:45
Speaker 2: up with without a father presence, so I mostly you know,
41:49
Speaker 2: had my mother as the primary figure, and by osmosis,
41:55
Speaker 2: learned a lot of patterns of you know, being quiet
41:58
Speaker 2: and enduring. I say, I come from a long line
42:02
Speaker 2: of women who politely endured, and it took a lot
42:06
Speaker 2: of work, real spiritual and physical and emotional work to
42:12
Speaker 2: learn how to move past that thing that you learn
42:16
Speaker 2: really early, which is to quietly kind of endure and
42:21
Speaker 2: be not make a fuss, not be too much. But
42:25
Speaker 2: it's given me a freedom to appreciate my mother in
42:33
Speaker 2: a different light. And while there were some rocky times
42:38
Speaker 2: as we navigated the changing of agreements, I really believe
42:44
Speaker 2: we've come out on the other side of that with
42:47
Speaker 2: more healing and a better connection. And that my daughter,
42:53
Speaker 2: who so much of you know, what I do is
42:56
Speaker 2: for my children's to witness it and we you know,
43:04
Speaker 2: it's interesting, it's like I felt it happening. It's like
43:08
Speaker 2: it happens on an energetic level. That our relationship changed,
43:12
Speaker 2: not by anything I said, but by the way I
43:15
Speaker 2: rearranged my experience and my participation in agreements in the world.
43:23
Speaker 1: Her book, Blow Up Your Life, The Wild Art of
43:26
Speaker 1: Wanting More my guest on your Rock. We'll be back
43:29
Speaker 1: with more after these words on the Own Times Radio network.
43:34
Speaker 3: Humanity Healing International is a small nonprofit with a big dream.
43:39
Speaker 3: Since two thousand and seven, HHI has been working tirelessly
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44:04
Speaker 4: This is Kathy Biele, host of Celestial Compass featuring astrology.
44:09
Speaker 4: You can use Celestial Compass points you to what's going
44:13
Speaker 4: on in the sky and what you can do with
44:15
Speaker 4: it down here on Earth. We also explore fun, effective
44:20
Speaker 4: and cosmic tools for navigating this adventure we call life.
44:25
Speaker 4: Join me the first and third Monday of the month
44:27
Speaker 4: at five pm Eastern Time for Celestial Compass. It's enlightening, entertaining,
44:33
Speaker 4: and empowering.
44:36
Speaker 8: Grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine
44:38
Speaker 8: and tune in for inspired conversations with publisher Linda Joy
44:43
Speaker 8: on Tuesdays at two pm Eastern. Linda creates sacred space
44:47
Speaker 8: for leading female luminaries, empowering authors, art centered female entrepreneurs, coaches,
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Speaker 8: and healers. A soulful venue where guests openly share the
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Speaker 8: fears andstles they've overcome, wisdom and lessons learned, and the
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Speaker 8: personal journey that led them to the transformational work they
45:07
Speaker 8: do in the world. Inspired conversations to empower you on
45:12
Speaker 8: your path to authentic, soulful living.
45:16
Speaker 2: Hi.
45:16
Speaker 9: This is Bill mart I. Can find humor in almost anything,
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Speaker 9: but one thing I never laugh about. It is cruelty
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45:31
Speaker 1: On Blocks Novus. My guest this week is on Your Rock.
45:34
Speaker 1: We're talking about her new book Blow Up Your Life,
45:37
Speaker 1: The Wild Art of Wanting More on You. You also
45:41
Speaker 1: share generational healing as daily activities stressing, pausing, and compassion
45:47
Speaker 1: rather than becoming activated. Can you give us an.
45:50
Speaker 2: Example, yes, so specifically of the mother. The system gets
45:58
Speaker 2: overwhelmed quite easy leader. And for a long time I
46:04
Speaker 2: was like the wake up and keep up mom, right,
46:06
Speaker 2: It was like constantly reacting to everybody's needs. And you
46:11
Speaker 2: know children are by nature kind of less regulated, and
46:16
Speaker 2: that that's okay. For those of us that can regulate
46:20
Speaker 2: our nervous system, we have a bigger capacity to let
46:24
Speaker 2: other people and their disregulation kind of exist without needing
46:30
Speaker 2: to fix it or change it. So if that makes sense,
46:33
Speaker 2: So for example, you know, toddler walks into a restaurant
46:37
Speaker 2: and is losing their mind, you know, having a normal,
46:41
Speaker 2: very normal toddler tantrum. But if I'm disregulated as the mother,
46:48
Speaker 2: it's going to trigger it's just going to put me
46:51
Speaker 2: into kind of a spin. And so the more that
46:56
Speaker 2: I can learn to build my capacity in my nervous
47:00
Speaker 2: system and quickly move from a disregulated state aka also
47:07
Speaker 2: known as sort of activated. So you might think of,
47:12
Speaker 2: you know, something that triggers you. I often use the
47:15
Speaker 2: word activated, but it is really your nervous system being dysregulated.
47:21
Speaker 2: And we mostly desire to move from that disregulated state
47:26
Speaker 2: back into a state of regulation to kind of feel
47:28
Speaker 2: that calm, feel our heart rate come down, kind of
47:30
Speaker 2: come back into a place where we can say to
47:33
Speaker 2: our child, you know, it's okay for you to have
47:37
Speaker 2: these big feelings. I'm okay with them. I'm gonna let
47:40
Speaker 2: you have them, rather than it being something that now
47:42
Speaker 2: we're both in a disregulated state. So the generational heeling,
47:48
Speaker 2: if you can imagine that same scenario, comes because I
47:52
Speaker 2: can give that toddler now the space to be expressed
47:57
Speaker 2: to move through that dysregulation. They don't have the know
48:01
Speaker 2: the formula of their brain isn't developed yet, and so
48:04
Speaker 2: they need our they need us to kind of contain
48:06
Speaker 2: and hold and let it happen and move them through it.
48:09
Speaker 2: But now there's only one of us in that state
48:11
Speaker 2: instead of two, and so that toddler their experience of
48:17
Speaker 2: being dysregulated is that, oh, I got to experience that,
48:21
Speaker 2: I got to move through it and everything is fine,
48:24
Speaker 2: instead of I had this emotional experience and then my
48:29
Speaker 2: parent got really angry and upset, So therefore it's not
48:32
Speaker 2: okay for me to have that experience. So again, so
48:39
Speaker 2: much of this is happening unconsciously. We don't even realize it.
48:42
Speaker 2: But or my experience of generational healing was that the
48:46
Speaker 2: more I worked on my own wounding and healing and
48:51
Speaker 2: my nervous system capacity. And I do actually believe that
48:55
Speaker 2: the pleasure build is a huge part of this. The
48:58
Speaker 2: more I build a capacity or pleasure, it's like the
49:02
Speaker 2: grief and everything else gets room too, Like we build
49:05
Speaker 2: our capacity like an athlete all around, and so we
49:10
Speaker 2: become much more easily able to flow through life's challenges.
49:16
Speaker 2: But then the people in our lives who are looking
49:20
Speaker 2: to us or how do people respond when I have
49:23
Speaker 2: this feeling, they get a lot more space to move
49:30
Speaker 2: through the experience of being human without it having a
49:34
Speaker 2: negative impact. And so the more I did that, the
49:38
Speaker 2: more I recognize myself like, oh, I can now give
49:41
Speaker 2: my I'll use my You know, my son, for example,
49:44
Speaker 2: can have a big emotional experience of anger, and instead
49:50
Speaker 2: of me having this sudden internal need to shut it
49:56
Speaker 2: down because it's it's too much for me, I can
50:01
Speaker 2: just hold space for it. I can sort of say, okay,
50:04
Speaker 2: you know, here are the parameters of what can happen
50:07
Speaker 2: when you're feeling like this. You know, you can have boundaries,
50:10
Speaker 2: like you're allowed to express but you're not allowed to
50:12
Speaker 2: hurt anyone or project that anger on to anyone, So
50:15
Speaker 2: you can create safe boundaries. But I can do that,
50:20
Speaker 2: and I can allow him to have his experience and
50:22
Speaker 2: it isn't affecting me, and so therefore he's learning subconsciously, Oh,
50:30
Speaker 2: it's okay for me to have this experience, and now
50:35
Speaker 2: I'm actually even being given tools to allow this energy
50:38
Speaker 2: to move through me safely, and then it's gone and
50:41
Speaker 2: we can much more quickly go back to whatever it
50:46
Speaker 2: was that we were trying to do before this experience
50:49
Speaker 2: of anger or overwhelm or frustration moved through the body.
50:54
Speaker 1: You share four foundational principles that reshape how a woman
50:58
Speaker 1: relates to her life. Please share those principles.
51:04
Speaker 2: Oh boy, test question here. I believe that the principles
51:13
Speaker 2: include tuning in. Really, I'm going to say it over
51:19
Speaker 2: and over, the most foundational principle of any of this
51:23
Speaker 2: is having a deeper relationship with your own experience to
51:30
Speaker 2: be able to read the signals as they come through. Like,
51:35
Speaker 2: imagine you're tuning into a radio frequency and it's all
51:40
Speaker 2: fuzzy and you've got every You've got all these distortions
51:43
Speaker 2: of everyone else's you know, words and voices and things
51:47
Speaker 2: coming in. It's really hard to get a clear signal.
51:51
Speaker 2: And the tuning in I listened for what I call
51:54
Speaker 2: a flicker, because when I first started this work, I
51:58
Speaker 2: would find myself in situations where I would take me
52:04
Speaker 2: a day or a week to say like, ah, something
52:08
Speaker 2: happened and it didn't really feel great, but I can't
52:12
Speaker 2: quite name it. And what I wanted to do was
52:15
Speaker 2: lessen the time between the sensation and the ability to
52:19
Speaker 2: process what it was. And that's the flicker for many
52:24
Speaker 2: of us. It's it's just like, can I start to
52:27
Speaker 2: practice tuning into that frequency? And that in itself is
52:35
Speaker 2: quite quite a lot, you know, it's that takes practice,
52:38
Speaker 2: and it takes the tunem in, and it takes patience,
52:41
Speaker 2: and it takes grace because we don't get it right
52:45
Speaker 2: all the time. There's there is no right, but we yeah,
52:50
Speaker 2: we don't. We just got to give ourselves like, oh
52:52
Speaker 2: I missed that one, It's okay next time. And the
52:56
Speaker 2: other one is then really believe, really, once you have
53:00
Speaker 2: the flicker and you have the sense of Okay, I
53:06
Speaker 2: send something and I'm clear, trusting it, trusting that you
53:14
Speaker 2: can name it and speak it. I also believe that
53:23
Speaker 2: we talked about presence is so important, and this is
53:26
Speaker 2: another foundational principle, is that we can learn to prioritize
53:35
Speaker 2: presence over performance that in the world many of us,
53:41
Speaker 2: most of us grew up in we're performing fine, we're
53:45
Speaker 2: kind of we're trained to perform intimacy, to sort of
53:52
Speaker 2: let the world think everything is okay. And we have
53:55
Speaker 2: a highlight reel called Instagram, and we have you know,
53:59
Speaker 2: the work we put out in the world, and we
54:00
Speaker 2: let everyone know how great it is. But we're so
54:05
Speaker 2: craving authenticity, and that authenticity comes from our willingness to
54:11
Speaker 2: be present. And the other is that this threat of
54:16
Speaker 2: self responsibility of sovereignty and safety in the body. That
54:25
Speaker 2: we live in a world again that really celebrates growth
54:30
Speaker 2: and whether it's personal growth or you know, being the
54:35
Speaker 2: biggest and the best and the richest and the most.
54:39
Speaker 2: You know travels the most and kind of the most
54:41
Speaker 2: of everything, but that you are the authority on your body.
54:47
Speaker 2: You are actually the authority on your desire, on your boundaries,
54:53
Speaker 2: and learning to listen for and trust the no, speak
55:00
Speaker 2: our no, and trust that it is safe to say
55:04
Speaker 2: no to something even if it's a maybe, because I'm
55:08
Speaker 2: willing to wait for a full body yes. And watch
55:13
Speaker 2: how your life reorganizes when you live by that principle.
55:19
Speaker 1: The life wisdom of my guests on your Rock her
55:22
Speaker 1: new book, blow Up Your Life The Wild Art of
55:25
Speaker 1: Wanting more on you one more time. Please tell our
55:27
Speaker 1: listeners where they get your fabulous book and learn more
55:30
Speaker 1: about you.
55:31
Speaker 2: Thank you. You can learn more about me and see
55:34
Speaker 2: all about the book at onyr Rock dot com. That's
55:36
Speaker 2: spelled AI n E R O c K forward slash
55:41
Speaker 2: blow Up your Life and you can order the book
55:44
Speaker 2: wherever you buy your books. I do hope we all
55:50
Speaker 2: support our local bookstores because they're fabulous and one of
55:53
Speaker 2: the most beautiful places to go into and I hope
55:57
Speaker 2: we have them forever. But wherever you at your books,
56:00
Speaker 2: you can get it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, your
56:03
Speaker 2: local bookstores and you can find it there.
56:07
Speaker 1: Anya, thank you so much for joining us and sharing
56:09
Speaker 1: this life wisdom, truly life wisdom with an audience mostly
56:13
Speaker 1: women who really need to hear this message.
56:16
Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you so much for having me.
56:18
Speaker 1: It was such a pleasure, and thank you for joining
56:21
Speaker 1: us on Vox Novus. I'm Victor the voice Firman. Have
56:25
Speaker 1: a wonderful week.